Original subtitles

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It's Showtime tonight ♪

[Roger] Previously on Black Monday...

You want to buy up retail banks

to gamble on the stock market.

Amerisavings & Loan.

The other congressman won't even take a piss

without Harris' approval.

How's your side of the deal going?

I'm a fuckin' whiz at politics too.

Is it me, or is an all-female workplace extremely hostile?

I was thinking the same thing, my man.

I told you, man. I'm done.

I'm going to Kokomo.

Airport.

♪ upbeat music ♪

♪♪♪

Open it.

Jesus!

- Ugh, gross. - [Blair] No shit, Wayne.

We got hit with an anonymous sexual harassment complaint.

Apparently, the women in this office

don't want to look at that shit,

and neither do I.

[both] It wasn't me.

[scoffs] Buddy, come on.

Congress is hours from passing deregulation.

We're about to amass generational wealth.

You'll be able to set up your kids' kids' kids.

[Wayne] If I ever get to see them again.

My ex-wife's fucking me in the ass.

And she's not letting him visit his kids.

- [both laugh] - [Blair] Do you think

this is a joke? If the SEC catches wind

of any shenanigans here,

they will void our Amerisavings deal.

All because you two punch lines

couldn't keep your zingers off the Xerox.

- I'm not a punch line. - It wasn't my zinger.

Get this through your un-thick dicks:

the boys' club is officially over.

We run this shit now.

Mo is gone, and he is not coming back.

Until?

Mo's not coming back until...

- [both] Never! - All right.

At least we'll get more lines...

of coke.

That's the spirit. All right, now come on.

And to protect the firm, we've got to send

one of you two pervs to the Rubber Room.

The "rub her" room? Yes, please.

Wait, is that where they test Trojans? Yes!

The Rubber Room is detention for degenerate traders.

They take your dignity

and your trading license for a month.

I-I swear, it wasn't me.

For religious reasons, I braid my pubic hair.

Yeah. My circumcision scar runs up through my butthole.

- [Yassir] Way up there. - [Wayne] Mid-back.

- All right. - No.

You've got until close to fess up,

or you're both going.

In the meantime, you're gonna go out there,

and you're gonna apologize

to every single woman in this office.

- And until you do,

Dawn is not going to let you out of our sight.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have actual work to do.

♪♪♪

- Janet. Linda. - [Dawn] Blair!

Terri.

- [Dawn] Blair! - What?

How the fuck are you going golfing again?

We're supposed to be running this place together.

Everything I do is for this company.

Do you think I want to go to the Met Gala?

Do you think I wanted to get slimed

on You Can't Do That on Television on television?

Do you think I want my MTV?

I don't, but I said it in that commercial,

because publicity is good for TBD.

- I get the structure. - I wish you were a white man.

Harris asked me to swing the ol' bats

with him and some congressmen before they head back to D.C.

for the vote this afternoon.

What was I supposed to say? No?

Well, did you at least sign the Amerisavings contracts

on your desk?

Mm, I didn't see any contracts.

Maybe they got lost under Tiff's shit,

because you let her convert your office into an atelier

for her shit attempt at a shit Georgina relaunch!

- [shushing] I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry.

And as soon as this vote is over, I am back here for good.

But until then,

can you just forge my signature?

I can't be late for "tea time."

[sighs] Apparently, drinking tea

is a huge part of golf.

How have you not learned more about the game?

Just--just fucking go.

You're the best.

I'll be back tonight for the vote party.

Fore!

[sniffs]

Ahh!

Five, six, seven, eight!

♪♪♪

Guy, just admit that this is your guy,

and I will convince Dawn to take it easy on you,

but there is no reason

that both of us should get sent to the Rubber Room for this.

Can't you see?

This is a frame job.

We're the last men here, and they want us out.

It's so obvious.

Or women don't like unsolicited penis photographs.

There's got to be a punchier way to say that.

It is a mouthful. [laughs]

No, and that's my point.

We need to respect that the culture in the office,

it's changed, and in that change--

Offices don't have culture.

Puerto Ricans, yogurt, Boy George's club.

Those have culture.

Now, here's my plan.

We're gonna ask around

and find out which chick made the complaint,

and then we'll apologize.

Progress. That's what I like.

And then, when she least expects it,

we'll exact our revenge

and send that snitching bitch to the Rubber Room.

♪♪♪

I love what you've done with the place.

Yeah, Tiff really ripped her parents' apartment

down to the studs.

And speaking of ripped studs...

- [Blair] You got that? - Yeah, way ahead of you there.

[woman] Blair?

Blair Pfaff.

Blair Pfaff!

♪♪♪

Well, well, if it isn't the home-wrecking harlot

out to destroy my--

Ooh, not what I expected.

White lady, who the fuck are you,

and what the fuck were you expecting?

I'm Corky Harris,

and I came to confront you, Blair,

the hussy who layeth down with my husband,

Congressman Roger Harris?

[laughs]

My goodness, this is a mix-up from the tits up.

First of all, hi. I'm Dawn.

I founded this place with my partner Blair,

who is a man,

and we are just huge donors of your husband.

[Corky] But Blair has to be a woman.

I picture someone rich, blonde, bunch of pretty roommates.

No, that's Blair from Facts of Life.

My Blair is all man, like Jo from Facts of Life.

Trust me, my Blair and your husband

are on the golf course as we speak.

But they golf all the time.

In a moment of weakness,

I took a peek into my husband's calendar.

The trips--I mean, the last month alone--

Palm Springs, Provincetown, San Fran, Fire Island.

I mean, they went to the Tonys together.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you know, all the facts line up perfectly.

Standard business trips.

Oh, my gosh.

I just realized what's happening here.

What's happening?

My husband and your Blair are having sex...

Uh...

...with women outside their marriages,

and using each other as alibis.

No.

No. No. Uh, no.

- No, no, no, no, no. - Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

- Hmm? - Huh.

Hmm.

Is it possible that maybe now

you're covering for both of them?

Corky, if your husband is messing around,

then I will personally rip off his dick

and pull it through his asshole myself.

If Blair says he is playing golf,

then he is playing golf.

He is obsessed.

♪ These dreams ♪

♪ Go on when I close my eyes ♪

♪ Every second of the night... ♪

[phone ringing]

[groans]

- Damn it! - [music stops]

I'm almost there.

What?

[Dawn] Hey, B.

I have someone who wants to say hi to you.

It's Congressman Harris' wife.

Excited to finally meet you, Blair.

[Dawn] Yeah, we wanted to come and meet you guys

on the golf course.

Uh, what hole are you in?

On.

Um, it's great to meet you, Corky.

Yes, we would love for you and Dawn

to meet us on the, uh, golf...field.

Uh, what hole shall you meet us on, you ask?

Uh, the-the 51st hole.

Uh, the 15th hole.

I wish there were 51 holes,

'cause I love golf.

Um, yep,

well, I look forward to meeting you.

Okay, bye-bye.

Damn it.

We got to go.

Unless you want to finish really quick.

I already did.

Great.

Okay, we're gonna go with the classic.

You be bad cop. I'll be good cop.

Okay, but all cops are bad.

That's true. Follow my lead.

All right.

[Wayne] Thank you for coming, Karen.

Water? Coffee?

- Foot massage? - God damn it, Wayne.

What's this all about, guys?

[Wayne] Well, as you may have heard,

there was a complaint

about someone in this office's distasteful--

some say "walk off home run" hilarious--

use of office equipment.

What my disgusting, sack of shit partner here

is trying to say is that we are sorry

if we ever made you feel unsafe in this office.

[Wayne] Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing?

- I'm being bad cop. - Not to me, idiot.

Be bad cop to her.

Oh!

Now watch and fucking learn.

All right, Karen,

AKA Miss Thang--

- [Yassir] Mm. - [Wayne] Where'd she go?

Please hurry up.

I have to make sure my poor sweet husband

isn't being led astray by some Nancy.

Blair is not a nancy. He's married.

I'm talking about Nancy Reagan.

Ever since she broke up Ronnie's marriage

to his first wife Jane Wyman

and his political career not only survived, it thrived,

every good Christian Republican

thinks they can survive a divorce.

It's left all us wives of a certain age vulnerable.

Leave it to the Gipper to deregulate divorce too.

I just have to remind Roger

that my daddy's money and power put him in that office,

and it can sure as heck take him right out.

Who's your daddy?

Have you heard of Pastor Newell Swofford?

He started the Honor God TV Network?

HGTV?

The guy who coined the phrase "pray away the gay"?

He also came up with "spay away the gay,"

because--well, he thinks cats are gay.

That one was less successful.

How was that, growing up with such a-a cool dad?

I mean, do you share his views?

Of course. Well, not his views on Roger.

Ever since we met, he hated him.

He used to say, "There's something wrong with that boy,"

but I defended him,

and I supported him, because I loved him.

[emotionally] I love him,

and I don't want to lose him.

Well, it sounds to me like Roger needs to be reminded

that he'd be nothing without you.

Men have a way of forgetting that behind every one of them

is a much smarter one of us.

I mean, I do everything at TBD, but...

Blair either doesn't realize it,

or he's too busy getting the credit to say thanks.

Men. [chuckles]

A bunch of horses' you-know-whats.

[both laughing]

Dawn, I like you.

And I like you.

You know, I'd love to introduce you to my dad.

He's always looking for investment opportunities,

and I'd love to support a fellow strong woman.

And I could do a lot of good work

with all that tithing money.

Great. [laughs]

Assuming Blair's not cheating with my husband.

Those dogs.

This is it. We're here.

Okay.

Now, with the tea, is it a specific kind of tea--

[tires squeal]

- Corky! - Oh, God.

- Corky! Corky! - [woman] Oh, my God.

I am so sorry to startle you, but I love you.

- You guys, look who it is! - No, I'm sorry.

I don't know who you think I am.

You have never gotten the credit that you deserve.

You are a star.

Will you take a picture with me, please?

- Thank you so much. - Sure.

♪♪♪

No one has a camera? God damn it!

- Oh, God-- - Oh, don't go! No, I--

[Dawn] Corky!

♪♪♪

[Blair] I don't get it.

So being subpar at golf is actually a good thing?

[Roger] Yep. Oh, there she is.

Just act like you know what you're doing.

Mother!

- Mother? - You made it.

- [Corky] Father! - My goodness.

What a pleasant-- exactly what I was expecting.

Corky, Blair Pfaff.

Hey. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Charmed, I'm sure.

[laughs]

- Well. - Are you enjoying the course?

Oh, it's the greatest game of my life.

It's very subpar.

- [Roger] Uh-- - Well, don't let me

interrupt your career best.

- Fire away. - Thank you, yes.

Let me just grab my favorite swingin' pole

from the ol' quiver.

- Yep. - [Blair] Yep!

Here we go.

Oh, um, the putter for the tee?

- [chuckles] - [Blair] Oh, no.

I just like to touch this for luck

before I grab my real club...

[Roger] Yep.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

You know, it's like the log at the Apollo.

- He's superstitious. - Precisely.

- Warm-up. - Warm-up?

You've been out for 14 holes now.

- [Roger] Yeah. - [humming]

[Blair laughs]

Play ball! [chuckles]

[man] Hey! Stop right there.

[sighs]

Governor Putnam?

Oh, it is you!

I thought everyone around the club was lying.

The TV does not add ten pounds or change one thing,

because you look exactly like you.

I do?

Oh! Can I get an autograph?

Uh...yeah, sure.

[both chuckle]

[Putnam chuckles]

Uh, nice meeting you.

[Dawn] Stay in school!

[exhales deeply]

[club tapping on ground]

[clicks tongue]

- Hit the ball! - Yep.

Hitting...

- [Roger] Whoa! - [Dawn screams]

Blair!

- Oh, my God. - Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

- Blair! - Blair!

Blair, are you dead? [sobs]

[whispers] Thank you.

- To Mrs. Harris, oh... - [Dawn] Yes.

Thank you so much for these pills.

I don't know what they are,

but I'm... [mumbles] fine.

Well, it is the least that I could do.

I just feel awful that you got hurt.

- What? No. - I'm sorry again.

This is so silly,

but I somehow got it in my head

that you two were out there chasing the fillies together.

[laughter]

Oh, you goofball.

Clearly, it was just business.

My fault for getting things in my head again.

Mother, on our wedding day, I made a promise to you...

[whispers] Did he call her Mother?

Yeah, it's not great.

...that I would never go anywhere without you

if a woman was present,

and I've stuck to that.

I am so sorry for doubting you, Father.

- Aww. - Nope.

Come here.

[kissing]

Tell me that you are not fucking the guy

who could fuck up our deal?

Of course not. He's fucking me.

[groans] Ohh...

And this gimlet is compliments

of the gentleman at the bar.

Can you just put it over there with the other ones, please?

- Thank you. - What's happening?

Whenever black people go to rich white people places,

they always think we're famous.

Otherwise, why would we be there?

- [laughter] - We do do that.

[softly] Bitch, who do they think you are?

I don't know. I'm so sick of this shit.

They can't tell niggas apart. What the fuck is that?

- Man, they got you fucked up. - Where you from?

- I'm from Compton. - Oh, my nigga.

- Compton, yeah. - Stay up.

- Oh, yeah, baby, all day. - That's what's up.

Motherfuckers out here getting rich on crack cocaine.

[Dawn laughs] You know how that go.

My man. Peace out.

Yeah.

So, Blair, you and Roger have gotten to travel

to so many wonderful places lately.

- Yeah. - What was your favorite?

Palm Springs? Rehoboth?

Well, you know, they're all just work trips.

It's not like we're spending the whole day in bed.

[laughter]

Well, but what about the Tonys?

I mean, come on, that must have been a hoot.

The Antoinette Perry Awards for Excellence in Broadway Theatre?

When I found out Roger was taking you instead of me?

Jealous.

- Wait, what? - It was a hoot.

Right, Blair? When you and I went to the Tonys together?

And then...booyah!

Hey, man, maybe stop shoving the evidence in their faces?

Hey, man, how about stop undermining my investigation?

How else are they supposed to know what we're talking about?

Because they know what a penis looks like.

Not if they're all lesbos!

Which is one of my working theories.

- [microwave dings] - God damn it, Pamela.

Do you have to do that here?

Yes. It's the only microwave.

So did you all catch Dallas last night?

Sue Ellen back on the bottle.

Ooh, and J.R. had her committed.

Shit, I would be hitting the bottle too.

Yeah, they don't call her Boozy Suzy for nothing.

Okay, guys, we're doing a work project here.

Now, Joyce, please.

Let's try a little word association.

- I... - Am creepy as hell.

[laughter]

- No. - Won't lie to you.

Come on, we haven't even started yet.

I'm gonna say a word, and then...

I'm gonna leave, 'cause you stink.

Sorry if we ever made you feel unsafe at work!

I'm not!

Ever gonna move out of your mom's house?

- [laughter] - Oh!

[fingers snap]

[Blair] Tell you what, Corks,

nobody had a better time that night

than your hubby.

Turns out Roger loves the Tonys.

- Yeah. - And the Oscars.

And the Steves.

[drunken slurring] Why don't you tell us all

what your favorite parts of the Tonys was?

So many great moments

I could describe in detail

instead of going to Washington this afternoon and voting

on a pretty significant regulatory rollback.

Well, I think we all fuckin' love that.

Would we, though?

- It sounds boring! - [Blair] No.

- Doesn't sound boring to me. - Yeah, no, I think so.

Seems like a fun old time--

- Let's go clean it up. - No, it'll dry here.

Blair, let's go clean it up now.

Okay. Ouchie.

Ouchie! Okay, be back in a flash.

- Whoopsy-daisy. - Okaysies.

- Idiot! - I know.

Can you believe he's cheating on me?

No, you're an idiot.

Of all the guys to fuck, you choose the one

who controls our destiny.

And you're about to fuck it all up for some dick.

It's fine. I'll handle it.

Like you've been handling it?

I've never seen someone's feelings get hurt so visibly.

Well, h-how could he do that to me?

'Cause he is a man, dummy.

Don't make me explain your species to you.

[huffs] And you didn't tell me.

My God, I could have helped you.

Us!

Fuck! This is some real Mo shit.

We're supposed to be actual partners.

- I'm sorry. - Fuck your "I'm sorry."

There you are, Big B. Can we talk?

Fix this.

So you're a piece of shit.

I thought you knew I--

That you were a piece of shit

who was doinking every guy in town behind my back?

"Doinking"?

It's how people say "sex," okay?

You're old.

Why are you having such a hard time with this?

Because you were my first.

Relationship of this kind...

and I thought it was just you and me,

and now I feel stupid.

Wow, babe, I--

I'm sorry.

All those other guys meant nothing.

- I didn't know... - [scoffs]

...you wanted a relationship, but...

I really like you, Blair.

Why else do you think I would carry around

the picture you gave me in my wallet?

You kept my penis picture.

There has to be a better way to say that.

- Dick picture? - Penis pic.

[both] Dickture!

From now on,

- I only want to doink you. - [laughs]

And my wife when I have to, for maintenance.

And the occasional secretary, for appearances.

Do you mean that?

Exclusive doinking?

Yeah, what the heck. Why not?

All the secret calls, the planning,

the rendezvouses--

it'd be so much easier if it was only you.

♪ dramatic music ♪

♪♪♪

- [Roger] We got to go. - [Blair] I know.

[Roger] Come on.

♪♪♪

Corky.

Uh...

Blair's Italian,

and you know how they are over there, I mean...

[Italian accent] Giuseppe,

uh, let-a me hold-a your hand.

Giuseppe, let-a me kiss-a your face.

[softly] Dawn, stop.

Please don't ever do that voice again.

♪♪♪

Listen, Corky...

Well, boys will be boys.

What?

Oh, I was being so silly.

Roger will never leave me for a man.

It would end his career.

[exhales]

I got scared for a second.

[laughs]

All right, let's get back out there.

Who did this? Is this you?

Did you do this? It was you, wasn't it?

- Who did this? - Wayne, chill!

Not until one of these feminazis admits to framing us.

None of you are even my type!

It was me, all right? Fuck, man.

I filed the complaint.

You're just so gross to all the women in the office

all the time, and I saw that Xerox,

and it was the last straw.

I don't know if you've noticed, but times are changing.

- [woman] Yes. - You're with it.

We just had a girl vice presidential candidate,

and granted, she got her ass fuckin' smoked, because duh,

but we're gonna have a chick president soon.

- Yes. - [applause]

These girls? They're mothers and they're daughters

and they're wives and they're sisters.

- We're also people. - Exactly.

These people are men's mothers and daughters

and sisters and wives.

He had it.

- And then he lost it. - Mm-hmm.

It wasn't me, okay?

And I can prove it.

[Roger] Ladies!

Well, the congressman has a train to catch

and a vote to vote.

That sounds great.

Knock 'em dead.

Dawn, thank you so much

for helping me get to the bottom of all this.

And I want you to reach out to Daddy.

Oh, the pastor.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

♪ upbeat music ♪

♪♪♪

[woman] There you are!

Can't believe you're actually at our club.

Who?

Who is actually at your club?

You're Regina, Regina King.

You play Brenda on 227.

Bitch, you racist.

Really? You're not gonna say anything?

I'm sorry, all right?

I'm sorry I jeopardized the deal.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you about me and Harris,

and I know that's the type of shit

Mo used to do all the time,

and-and I promise to be a better partner than that,

and I will be, I swear.

Look, Blair, I'm happy for you.

I just don't want this place to ever go back to how it was.

- I know. - [woman] Put that thing away!

- Oh, Wayne! - My dick.

- Not my dick. - [Yassir] I'm so sorry.

- My dick. Not my dick.

[Yassir] Please don't blame me.

Wayne! Wayne. Wayne!

This is my dick. This is not my dick.

- Wayne! - I apologize.

Rubber Room, now!

Can someone give me a ride?

[Dawn] Wayne!

Pull up your pants!

[Joyce] Oh, shit, the vote for Amerisavings is on.

Oh!

[laughter]

[man on TV] In regards to bill H827,

the abolishment of regulatory ordinances

in relation to banking institutions,

those in favor?

[people on TV] Aye.

[man on TV] Those opposed?

Bill H827 is ratified.

[cheers and applause]

- Oh! - We did it, we're rich!

- [Blair] We did it! - [Dawn] Yes, we did it!

- Yes! - [Dawn laughs] Oh, my God.

[dramatic music on TV]

[reporter] We interrupt our regular coverage

to bring you tragic news out of South Florida,

where the cocaine wars have escalated again.

Oh.

[reporter] A deadly shootout

tore through a busy branch

of Amerisavings & Loan.

Four dead and several injured

after gunfire erupted over what's thought to be

a money-laundering deal gone bad.

Again, this was the South Beach branch

of Amerisavings & Loan.

Stop saying the name.

[reporter] A massive investigation

is being launched into what feds suspect

is widespread criminal activity

throughout Amerisavings & Loan.

Does this affect our thing at all?

[reporter] The SEC has frozen the stock

after a steep decline.

Don't you want revenge

on all those people who fucked you over?

I mean, Dawn and Blair...

me.

This kind of gets me all the revenge I need, Keith.

[laughter]

[Keith] Fuck you! Shit! Fuck! Hey!

- [thudding] - Ah! Shit!

Why is everything fucking steel in here?

[reporter] Blood money indeed.

Meanwhile, our thoughts and prayers

go out to the victims of this horrific tragedy,

again, at Amerisavings & Loan.

- Shut up! - Stop saying the goddamn name!

[reporter] If any good can come from this senseless tragedy,

it's that Congress will immediately act

on gun control...

[TV switches off]

Mm-mm-mm!

What a da--

- [pop] - [all scream]

[Dawn groans]

♪ lively electronic music ♪

♪♪♪

♪♪