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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:30,860 --> 00:00:34,260 Greetings not from Tromaville. 2 00:00:34,260 --> 00:00:37,150 We were trying to think long and hard 3 00:00:37,150 --> 00:00:41,090 About a hellish place in which to open our little film. 4 00:00:41,090 --> 00:00:44,690 A cold, empty, and soulless place 5 00:00:44,690 --> 00:00:47,810 That only the damned call home. 6 00:00:47,810 --> 00:00:51,400 Yes, it's a land whose inhabitants willingly allow 7 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:54,450 Their bodies to be surgically altered 8 00:00:54,450 --> 00:00:59,890 And their minds steam cleaned of all emotion and humanity. 9 00:00:59,890 --> 00:01:03,080 And what is this metropolis of the living dead? 10 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:07,920 What is this hell where all souls are sold for a car 11 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:09,140 And a good looking suit? 12 00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:14,150 It's... it's... it's Hollywood. 13 00:01:14,150 --> 00:01:15,530 Yes, it's Hollywood. 14 00:01:15,530 --> 00:01:17,900 Home of the glamorous $150 million 15 00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:20,700 Movie about a giant talking kangaroo. 16 00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:22,400 Hooray for Hollywood! 17 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,810 But at this very moment, many, many, many multiplexes 18 00:01:25,810 --> 00:01:28,650 Are being built for fewer and fewer films. 19 00:01:28,650 --> 00:01:29,600 But never fear. 20 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:33,050 There is always a small cadre of hard working people who 21 00:01:33,050 --> 00:01:35,010 Are going to change things, who are fighting 22 00:01:35,010 --> 00:01:37,540 The good fight for independent art, who are fighting 23 00:01:37,540 --> 00:01:39,360 For independent cinema. 24 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,960 Those artists who are protecting our freedom of choice, 25 00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:44,690 Our freedom of art, our freedom of emotion. 26 00:01:44,690 --> 00:01:49,190 People like... like... like... Like... why, it's James Gunn! 27 00:01:49,190 --> 00:01:50,150 James! 28 00:01:50,150 --> 00:01:53,740 James... James is the writer of Troma's 29 00:01:53,740 --> 00:01:58,490 Highly subversive $350,000 movie, Tromeo and Juliet. 30 00:01:58,490 --> 00:02:00,280 A true... a true idealist. 31 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:01,720 How's it hanging, brother? 32 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:02,630 Lloyd, it's going great. 33 00:02:02,630 --> 00:02:03,910 I've been looking all over for you. 34 00:02:03,910 --> 00:02:05,960 The people at the Red Roof Inn told me you were over here. 35 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,690 So listen, here's the thing. 36 00:02:08,690 --> 00:02:12,090 I have been really, really happy since I moved 37 00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:13,990 To Hollywood because I did the niftiest, 38 00:02:13,990 --> 00:02:15,660 Neatest, coolest thing. 39 00:02:15,660 --> 00:02:17,750 I totally sold my soul to Satan. 40 00:02:17,750 --> 00:02:19,250 I had to kill a young child to do it, 41 00:02:19,250 --> 00:02:21,310 But it's awesome because ever since I've done it, 42 00:02:21,310 --> 00:02:22,800 I've been totally rich. 43 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:24,420 I made Scooby Doo. 44 00:02:24,420 --> 00:02:26,850 I've got two more movies going into production in April. 45 00:02:26,850 --> 00:02:29,280 What's one kid when it comes to all my talent 46 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:30,730 That I have to share with the world? 47 00:02:30,730 --> 00:02:32,660 People say bad things about the Dark Lord. 48 00:02:32,660 --> 00:02:35,120 I think he is a sweet and swell guy. 49 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:38,590 So anyway, I just got a new deal with Disney to create 50 00:02:38,590 --> 00:02:41,370 A movie called Phlegm Wallaby. 51 00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:47,400 About a jive talking, rapping wallaby made of phlegm. 52 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:50,670 Everyone I tell it to laughs so hard at everything I say. 53 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,410 In fact, when I talk, people are pretty much 54 00:02:52,410 --> 00:02:54,910 Laughing all the time... ever since I sold my soul to Satan. 55 00:02:54,910 --> 00:02:57,820 And anyway... praise Satan... I would like 56 00:02:57,820 --> 00:03:01,170 To fulfill my dream project. 57 00:03:01,170 --> 00:03:04,330 And tell us about your dream project, James. 58 00:03:04,330 --> 00:03:06,510 It's called Et tu, America. 59 00:03:06,510 --> 00:03:08,910 It's a story about Irish immigrants coming 60 00:03:08,910 --> 00:03:11,510 Into the United States in the early 1900s 61 00:03:11,510 --> 00:03:13,360 And having to face the harsh realities 62 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,270 Of our great, great nation. 63 00:03:15,270 --> 00:03:17,160 They also happen to be jive talking. 64 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:20,090 It stars Meryl Streep and Sean Penn. 65 00:03:20,090 --> 00:03:21,990 And I found something really... is that Prada? 66 00:03:21,990 --> 00:03:24,140 I think I wore the same thing to the Oscar's last year, 67 00:03:24,140 --> 00:03:25,000 Only in red. 68 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:26,840 Oh, by the way, this is my assistant, Elizabeth. 69 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,090 I mean, I call her my assistant. 70 00:03:28,090 --> 00:03:30,270 Really, she's just a girl I have sex with. 71 00:03:30,270 --> 00:03:31,960 And I pass her around from friend to friend. 72 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,810 Sucks a mean cock. She's a sweetheart. 73 00:03:33,810 --> 00:03:36,980 Aw, you made the short list, Lloyd. 74 00:03:36,980 --> 00:03:38,590 The short list of directors! 75 00:03:38,590 --> 00:03:43,390 What she's telling you is that they want you and I want 76 00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:47,720 You to direct the $200 million Universal epic 77 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,240 Film, Et tu, America. 78 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:54,010 Lloyd, what do you say? 79 00:03:54,010 --> 00:03:55,380 I am not Lloyd. 80 00:03:55,380 --> 00:03:57,650 I am the Crap Keeper. 81 00:04:00,660 --> 00:04:02,220 You can have the titles read however 82 00:04:02,220 --> 00:04:03,710 You want... directed by the Crap Keeper. 83 00:04:03,710 --> 00:04:05,430 That's perfectly fine. 84 00:04:05,430 --> 00:04:08,880 So Crap Keeper, would you like to direct this movie, 85 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:10,340 Make my day? 86 00:04:10,340 --> 00:04:12,770 All you have to do is kill a little kid. 87 00:04:12,770 --> 00:04:13,870 It's great. 88 00:04:13,870 --> 00:04:14,770 Will you do it? 89 00:04:17,380 --> 00:04:20,450 We at Troma abide by the words of Shakespeare 90 00:04:20,450 --> 00:04:22,570 To thine own self be true. 91 00:04:22,570 --> 00:04:25,560 Whether it's 200 million, 400 million, a billion, 92 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:26,780 A kazillion. 93 00:04:26,780 --> 00:04:27,790 It doesn't matter. 94 00:04:27,790 --> 00:04:30,440 We do things that are of great significance 95 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,060 To the heart and the soul. 96 00:04:32,060 --> 00:04:34,080 Idealism is what we're about. 97 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:37,310 And now, we're going to present something far more important 98 00:04:37,310 --> 00:04:39,670 Than Meryl Streep or Sean Penn. 99 00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:40,600 We're going to present... 100 00:04:44,990 --> 00:04:46,460 [FARTING] Oah! 101 00:04:52,810 --> 00:04:54,820 Tales from the Crapper. 102 00:04:58,710 --> 00:05:00,300 Hey, uh, James? 103 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,500 You know, I didn't want you anyway. 104 00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:02,710 Meryl wanted you. I didn't. 105 00:05:02,710 --> 00:05:03,510 I wanted Chris Columbus. 106 00:05:03,510 --> 00:05:05,080 He'd do a much better job. 107 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:06,090 You suck as a director. 108 00:05:06,090 --> 00:05:07,040 Everybody thinks so. 109 00:05:11,150 --> 00:05:16,650 Well, why don't we watch our first mind bending story? 110 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:19,140 Ow! What the hell's wrong with you? 111 00:05:19,140 --> 00:05:20,810 Goddammit. Jeez. 112 00:05:56,140 --> 00:05:57,640 JOSEPH (VOICEOVER): Do you want to know about 113 00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,280 The night that changed my life? 114 00:06:06,690 --> 00:06:10,090 My name is Joseph Deluca, the Third. 115 00:06:10,090 --> 00:06:11,380 That's me. 116 00:06:11,380 --> 00:06:15,190 Gentleman club barker by night, aspiring Ashtanga yoga 117 00:06:15,190 --> 00:06:17,370 Instructor by day. 118 00:06:17,370 --> 00:06:19,270 It started out as a typical evening. 119 00:06:19,270 --> 00:06:23,390 Me on the street, craving a hearty bowl of guacamole. 120 00:06:23,390 --> 00:06:24,860 But something caught my eye. 121 00:06:24,860 --> 00:06:28,120 [EXPLOSION] 122 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,330 It looked like a giant bowl of guacamole 123 00:06:30,330 --> 00:06:32,380 Flying in the night sky. 124 00:06:32,380 --> 00:06:34,850 At first, I thought it was a hallucination 125 00:06:34,850 --> 00:06:37,730 Brought on by the AIDS cocktail I was taking. 126 00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,590 But then it crash landed and I knew it was real. 127 00:06:40,590 --> 00:06:43,710 I remember something my dear old Da' once told me. 128 00:06:43,710 --> 00:06:48,980 Son, he said, if aliens should ever crash land in Los Angeles, 129 00:06:48,980 --> 00:06:51,250 Be sure to try some of their guacamole. 130 00:06:51,250 --> 00:06:54,150 Supposedly, they have the best. 131 00:06:54,150 --> 00:06:55,710 But there was a fire. 132 00:06:55,710 --> 00:06:57,400 And I thought, oh no. 133 00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:00,120 I hope the guacamole is not burnt to a crisp. 134 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,900 I had to investigate further. 135 00:07:01,900 --> 00:07:04,510 I could smell the guacamole. 136 00:07:04,510 --> 00:07:05,500 There it was. 137 00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:07,570 A light shining through. 138 00:07:07,570 --> 00:07:09,410 Hello? 139 00:07:09,410 --> 00:07:11,250 [ALIEN SOUNDS] 140 00:07:11,250 --> 00:07:13,400 Are you all right? 141 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:17,590 If you are OK, may I trouble you for some guacamole? 142 00:07:17,590 --> 00:07:18,560 Ahhh! 143 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,480 [SCREAMING] 144 00:07:25,380 --> 00:07:28,300 [ALIEN SOUNDS] 145 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,080 [SPEAKING ALIEN] 146 00:07:58,310 --> 00:08:01,310 Lesbian Hoedown! 147 00:08:04,820 --> 00:08:06,090 TV NARRATOR: We interrupt the Cannibal 148 00:08:06,090 --> 00:08:09,110 Lesbian Hoedown to bring you this special news bulletin. 149 00:08:09,110 --> 00:08:11,220 This just in. Spaceship lands in Los Angeles. 150 00:08:11,220 --> 00:08:11,920 E! 151 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:13,700 News Daily rolls out the red carpet 152 00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:15,170 And no one seems to care. 153 00:08:15,170 --> 00:08:16,300 You know who I like? 154 00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:17,520 That Steve Kmetko. 155 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:19,000 - He is hilarious. - Isn't he funny? 156 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,060 He's an improv wizard. 157 00:08:20,060 --> 00:08:22,700 I'd say actually he's more of an improv sorcerer. 158 00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:25,240 And I would go one further and call him an improv merlin. 159 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:31,480 SAM (VOICEOVER): This is where I come in. 160 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:32,640 That's me. 161 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,500 Sam Black, Private Dick. 162 00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:38,170 I was hired to find out what happened to Joe. 163 00:08:38,170 --> 00:08:41,430 And I had a hunch that it all led to the Shimmering Beaver. 164 00:08:41,430 --> 00:08:46,460 I had to be stealthy like a fart in a thunderstorm. 165 00:08:46,460 --> 00:08:47,560 Ya! 166 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,520 SAM (VOICEOVER): But that was easy for me 167 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:52,150 Because subtlety was my middle name. 168 00:08:52,150 --> 00:08:53,200 Fuckin' A! 169 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,080 Bring on the bitches! 170 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,610 SAM (VOICEOVER): As soon as she walked up on stage, 171 00:08:58,610 --> 00:09:02,240 I knew she was trouble with a capital P! 172 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,200 Ya! 173 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:08,210 SAM (VOICEOVER): And ending with an U-S-S-Y. 174 00:09:08,210 --> 00:09:11,480 She had a pair of gams that would make you want to kneel 175 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,750 Down and thank the good Lord the glory 176 00:09:13,750 --> 00:09:16,980 Hole at the YMCA was nothing but a bitter aftertaste. 177 00:09:22,410 --> 00:09:26,210 It didn't take long for yours truly to see this dame was all 178 00:09:26,210 --> 00:09:27,540 Class. 179 00:09:27,540 --> 00:09:30,500 Yep, she reminded me of my mother, all right. 180 00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:31,670 Ya! Ya! 181 00:09:31,670 --> 00:09:33,010 Ya! 182 00:09:33,010 --> 00:09:34,580 SAM (VOICEOVER): This was the kind of dame that 183 00:09:34,580 --> 00:09:37,750 Makes man wish he was born a shiny strip club 184 00:09:37,750 --> 00:09:42,460 Pole instead of being little Shlomo Wilonsky, a rusty Pole 185 00:09:42,460 --> 00:09:43,490 From Warsaw. 186 00:09:43,490 --> 00:09:45,100 ANNOUNCER: All right, put your hands together. 187 00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:47,720 Get your dollars out for Sandra. 188 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,980 SAM (VOICEOVER): As soon as she walked up on stage, 189 00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:54,560 I could tell she was trouble starting with a capital C. 190 00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:56,740 Ya! 191 00:09:56,740 --> 00:09:59,000 SAM (VOICEOVER): And ending with a U-N-T. 192 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,090 This little piglet had a set of honey 193 00:10:01,090 --> 00:10:04,380 Glazed ham hocks that would make even the Rabbi Goldberg ram 194 00:10:04,380 --> 00:10:08,380 His milk filled matzo balls into her steamy rump of pork 195 00:10:08,380 --> 00:10:09,660 And call it kosher. 196 00:10:09,660 --> 00:10:11,630 Ya! 197 00:10:11,630 --> 00:10:12,580 Ya! 198 00:10:12,580 --> 00:10:14,710 SAM (VOICEOVER): Real kosher. 199 00:10:14,710 --> 00:10:16,180 Yeah. 200 00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:18,430 She was just like my donkey. 201 00:10:18,430 --> 00:10:19,350 Woo! 202 00:10:19,350 --> 00:10:21,670 Yeah! 203 00:10:21,670 --> 00:10:22,670 ANNOUNCER: All right, guys. 204 00:10:22,670 --> 00:10:25,450 Now on the stage is Larry. 205 00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:27,850 SAM (VOICEOVER): As soon as I saw the bulge in her panties, 206 00:10:27,850 --> 00:10:30,250 I could tell this bimbo was hiding more than just 207 00:10:30,250 --> 00:10:32,510 Weapons of mass destruction. 208 00:10:32,510 --> 00:10:34,660 She had more shaft than Richard Roundtree 209 00:10:34,660 --> 00:10:37,520 And Samuel L. Jackson combined. 210 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:41,110 Yep, she reminded me of Burt Reynolds, all right. 211 00:10:41,110 --> 00:10:43,340 Get ready, Mr. Happy. 212 00:10:43,340 --> 00:10:45,640 Get ready for takeoff! 213 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,080 Ya! 214 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,300 SAM (VOICEOVER): I had my hand grip 215 00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:50,910 Firmly on my pistol, the knowledge I might 216 00:10:50,910 --> 00:10:52,650 Have to open fire any minute. 217 00:10:52,650 --> 00:10:53,610 Shoot. 218 00:10:53,610 --> 00:10:55,470 Just ready to shoot. 219 00:10:55,470 --> 00:10:57,160 Ya! 220 00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:58,920 Give you all of it, baby. 221 00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:00,190 Ya! 222 00:11:00,190 --> 00:11:02,530 [SPLOOSHING] 223 00:11:02,530 --> 00:11:04,370 BARGOER: Hey, that old guy's jerking off! 224 00:11:04,370 --> 00:11:06,540 [MUSIC - THE F UPS, "I DON'T KNOW"] 225 00:11:06,540 --> 00:11:09,690 Ya! Get canned! 226 00:11:16,140 --> 00:11:17,970 SAM (VOICEOVER): But that wouldn't stop me from getting 227 00:11:17,970 --> 00:11:20,020 To the bottom of this case. 228 00:11:20,020 --> 00:11:21,560 No, sirree. 229 00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:24,460 Sometimes a little surveillance can be just as effective. 230 00:11:28,650 --> 00:11:30,570 Oh, baby. 231 00:11:30,570 --> 00:11:31,830 Yeah. 232 00:11:31,830 --> 00:11:32,660 SAM (VOICEOVER): Yep. 233 00:11:32,660 --> 00:11:35,080 Nothing beats a good stakeout. 234 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:39,740 And I had my stakeout and I was beating it real good, see? 235 00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:41,230 I had to tenderize the meat. 236 00:11:41,230 --> 00:11:42,020 Ah. 237 00:11:42,020 --> 00:11:44,080 [SPEAKING ALIEN] Ah! 238 00:11:57,020 --> 00:11:58,520 Huh? No! 239 00:12:09,970 --> 00:12:12,960 [CROWD CHEERING] 240 00:12:16,450 --> 00:12:17,440 Watch the hair. 241 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,490 That's my chair. 242 00:12:22,490 --> 00:12:23,520 Not your seat. 243 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:26,450 I don't see where it says asshole seat. 244 00:12:26,450 --> 00:12:28,510 Beat it, bitch. 245 00:12:28,510 --> 00:12:30,130 You're in my chair. 246 00:12:35,230 --> 00:12:38,620 Now you've got the AIDS, baby. 247 00:12:38,620 --> 00:12:40,630 Oh, shoot, princess. 248 00:12:40,630 --> 00:12:42,470 Oh, my god. 249 00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,390 Get back here, bitch, with that bag. 250 00:12:44,390 --> 00:12:45,970 Where did you get that? 251 00:12:45,970 --> 00:12:48,190 I must have it. 252 00:12:48,190 --> 00:12:50,170 Don't you worry, baby. 253 00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:51,600 You'll get yours. 254 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:52,540 Ow! 255 00:12:52,540 --> 00:12:54,160 Now my wrist is really limp. 256 00:13:03,510 --> 00:13:05,480 Oh man. 257 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,430 [OMINOUS MUSIC] 258 00:13:22,130 --> 00:13:24,540 Ah! 259 00:13:24,540 --> 00:13:27,920 Aw yeah. 260 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:28,890 Turn around. 261 00:13:35,550 --> 00:13:36,250 Ah! 262 00:13:41,130 --> 00:13:43,900 [SCREAMING] 263 00:13:55,630 --> 00:13:56,790 How about some breakfast, honey? 264 00:14:08,070 --> 00:14:09,510 Hey. 265 00:14:09,510 --> 00:14:11,050 You're in some mood this morning, huh? 266 00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:13,230 I do think I need some therapy, so... 267 00:14:13,230 --> 00:14:13,940 Oh, no. 268 00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:15,290 You're fine, really. 269 00:14:15,290 --> 00:14:16,150 Are you sure? 270 00:14:16,150 --> 00:14:18,360 I'm a little bit touched. No. 271 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:19,530 Really, you're fine. 272 00:14:19,530 --> 00:14:22,470 I tell you, who's ever responsible for these murders 273 00:14:22,470 --> 00:14:24,320 Is a sick bastard. 274 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,580 I need to be on this case with you. 275 00:14:26,580 --> 00:14:28,720 I'm sick of being on the B. 276 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:29,560 You love it. 277 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,180 Hey, I'll read your reports. 278 00:14:31,180 --> 00:14:33,180 You and your partner love that street violence stuff. 279 00:14:33,180 --> 00:14:35,130 Yeah, well not as much as you love working 280 00:14:35,130 --> 00:14:37,670 Undercover at a strip bar. 281 00:14:37,670 --> 00:14:39,720 Well, maybe if you were stripping. 282 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:40,810 You'd love it anyway. 283 00:14:40,810 --> 00:14:42,430 All those little titties bouncing around 284 00:14:42,430 --> 00:14:44,220 And those G-strings in your face. 285 00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:45,330 Don't give me any trouble. 286 00:14:45,330 --> 00:14:47,460 Well, it does have its pros and cons. 287 00:14:47,460 --> 00:14:49,560 Lots of peaks and valleys, if you know what I mean. 288 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:50,910 Mhm. 289 00:14:50,910 --> 00:14:52,370 You know what I can't understand, though? 290 00:14:52,370 --> 00:14:55,520 Is why Chief Doublestump won't put me on this case. 291 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,010 I think that thing is his pants is really 292 00:14:57,010 --> 00:14:58,190 Screwing with this brain. 293 00:14:58,190 --> 00:15:00,520 What do you think that really is? 294 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:04,820 Well, honestly, I think the man has two penises. 295 00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:05,520 Wow. 296 00:15:10,330 --> 00:15:11,600 TV NARRATOR: We interrupt the Cannibal 297 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,930 Lesbian Hoedown to bring you this special news bulletin. 298 00:15:14,930 --> 00:15:15,920 Good morning. 299 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:20,410 This is Sally Smirks, reporting to you live from downtown. 300 00:15:20,410 --> 00:15:22,300 It is rumored that yet another strip club 301 00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:24,030 Murder occurred last night. 302 00:15:24,030 --> 00:15:27,130 Chief Doublestump did say that he has no intentions of closing 303 00:15:27,130 --> 00:15:29,650 Down any part of downtown, claiming that he 304 00:15:29,650 --> 00:15:32,210 Has the killer in his sight. 305 00:15:32,210 --> 00:15:33,110 Yeah, right. 306 00:15:33,110 --> 00:15:36,880 Taking all the credit for your hard work. 307 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:37,840 You know? 308 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,130 I've got a hunch about this other club. 309 00:15:40,130 --> 00:15:42,630 I'm going to go check it out. 310 00:15:42,630 --> 00:15:44,960 You be safe, bunny. 311 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:46,900 I love you. 312 00:15:46,900 --> 00:15:49,810 [SLURPING SOUNDS] 313 00:15:51,050 --> 00:15:53,210 Bye. Thanks. 314 00:15:53,210 --> 00:15:54,510 Thank you. 315 00:15:54,510 --> 00:15:56,630 BRUCE (VOICEOVER): And this is where I come in. 316 00:15:56,630 --> 00:16:01,800 Bruce Kugan, professional badass and All-American pussy magnet. 317 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:03,880 After a long day of whooping ass, 318 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,920 There's nothing I like better than straddling my hot hog 319 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,860 And going over to the Shimmering Clam 320 00:16:08,860 --> 00:16:10,900 For some down and dirty poontang. 321 00:16:10,900 --> 00:16:13,870 There's Chang, always asking me for the password. 322 00:16:13,870 --> 00:16:17,070 I got your password right here, buddy old Chang. 323 00:16:17,070 --> 00:16:18,160 Course he lets me in. 324 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:19,700 What do you think about that killer? 325 00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:22,390 Stop trying to change the subject! 326 00:16:22,390 --> 00:16:25,560 It's still $50 to lick my stinkhole. 327 00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:26,260 Hey, man. 328 00:16:26,260 --> 00:16:28,130 Can I get a beer over here or what, ma'am? 329 00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:31,930 Ugh. 330 00:16:31,930 --> 00:16:32,830 What is up with this place? 331 00:16:32,830 --> 00:16:35,600 It's dead. 332 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:36,570 Hey, sweet cheeks. 333 00:16:36,570 --> 00:16:40,170 How about a dance over here? 334 00:16:40,170 --> 00:16:44,140 [MUSIC PLAYING] 335 00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:46,130 Oh, let's see what we got here. 336 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,120 Oh. 337 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:50,110 Play with that pole for Brucey. 338 00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:55,080 You're gonna get naked, right? Mhm. 339 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,070 Oh. 340 00:16:56,070 --> 00:16:57,060 Oh, yeah. 341 00:16:57,060 --> 00:16:58,060 There we go. 342 00:16:58,060 --> 00:16:59,050 Yeah. 343 00:16:59,050 --> 00:17:00,050 Oh yeah, baby. 344 00:17:00,050 --> 00:17:01,540 Oh! There we go. 345 00:17:01,540 --> 00:17:03,520 Take it off for daddy. OK. 346 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,350 That's a little bit better. 347 00:17:05,350 --> 00:17:06,970 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 348 00:17:06,970 --> 00:17:08,140 Turn it on for daddy. 349 00:17:08,140 --> 00:17:10,470 Makin' my cock real hard. 350 00:17:10,470 --> 00:17:12,200 Makin' it... 351 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:15,200 [FARTING SOUNDS] Damn! 352 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,910 I gotta piss. 353 00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:19,450 When I come back, I want the best lap dance 354 00:17:19,450 --> 00:17:23,450 Ten bucks is gonna get me. Oh. 355 00:17:23,450 --> 00:17:24,860 Oh, jeez. 356 00:17:24,860 --> 00:17:26,280 Oh, god. 357 00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:27,220 Oh. 358 00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:28,210 Oh, here it is. 359 00:17:28,210 --> 00:17:29,150 Oh. 360 00:17:29,150 --> 00:17:30,100 Oh, god. 361 00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:31,510 Oh, it burns! 362 00:17:31,510 --> 00:17:32,460 Oh, the stones! 363 00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:34,350 Oh, I should have brought my strainer. 364 00:17:34,350 --> 00:17:35,300 Oh, my god. 365 00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:36,000 It just... 366 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:37,680 [SPEAKING ALIEN] 367 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,110 Oh, you brute. You brute. 368 00:17:39,110 --> 00:17:42,020 Stop it, you... Agh. 369 00:17:44,830 --> 00:17:47,020 [SPEAKING ALIEN] 370 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:55,450 Chief Doublestump! 371 00:17:55,450 --> 00:17:57,450 Chief Doublestump, it's Sally Smirks. 372 00:17:57,450 --> 00:17:59,540 Whoa whoa whoa. Hey, what are you doing here? 373 00:17:59,540 --> 00:18:01,940 I heard that there was another strip club murder in this bar 374 00:18:01,940 --> 00:18:04,870 Last night and my public wants to know why Sergeant 375 00:18:04,870 --> 00:18:06,460 Ivanna isn't on the case. 376 00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,620 I have no comment about that and I have no comment 377 00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:09,950 About Sergeant Ivanna. 378 00:18:09,950 --> 00:18:12,450 Everyone knows, Chief Doublestump, including you, 379 00:18:12,450 --> 00:18:13,980 That Sergeant Ivanna is the toughest 380 00:18:13,980 --> 00:18:16,030 Crime fighter in this city. 381 00:18:16,030 --> 00:18:17,360 If you want to keep on pushing this, 382 00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:18,710 We can maybe go over there and talk 383 00:18:18,710 --> 00:18:20,030 About this a little in private. 384 00:18:20,030 --> 00:18:22,010 You know what I'm saying? 385 00:18:22,010 --> 00:18:23,960 Doublestump, why do you have to always do that. 386 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,400 Every time I come up here to interview you. 387 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,120 - C'mon, huh? - No. 388 00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:31,290 This is Sally Smirk with Action 6 News, signing off. 389 00:18:31,290 --> 00:18:32,990 [FARTING SOUNDS] 390 00:18:32,990 --> 00:18:35,260 You need to holster your weapon there, Chief. 391 00:18:35,260 --> 00:18:37,130 I don't want to hear it, Popo. 392 00:18:37,130 --> 00:18:38,120 She's right, sir. 393 00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:39,560 Ivanna is the toughest cop in town. 394 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:40,990 Why isn't she on the case? 395 00:18:40,990 --> 00:18:42,690 You still don't get why that loose cannon 396 00:18:42,690 --> 00:18:45,710 Isn't part of this extremely sensitive case? 397 00:18:45,710 --> 00:18:48,490 First of all, she can't arrest anybody 398 00:18:48,490 --> 00:18:49,990 Without breaking them down. 399 00:18:49,990 --> 00:18:51,490 Maybe that's what this town needs. 400 00:18:51,490 --> 00:18:55,230 Shut up, Popo. Let me explain. 401 00:18:55,230 --> 00:18:56,190 A serial rapist... 402 00:18:56,190 --> 00:18:58,050 Yeah, how do you like this? 403 00:18:58,050 --> 00:18:59,800 They're gonna give it to ya good. 404 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,960 Ooh. Here comes the hammer. 405 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,920 Get ready for a good... 406 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:05,870 [SCREAMING] 407 00:19:05,870 --> 00:19:07,620 I'll see ya later, bitch. Freeze! 408 00:19:07,620 --> 00:19:08,810 Freeze! You'll never catch me. 409 00:19:08,810 --> 00:19:10,280 I will shoot you. 410 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:11,740 I will shoot you. Get up against the wall. 411 00:19:11,740 --> 00:19:13,210 Right now. She was just um- 412 00:19:13,210 --> 00:19:15,170 [INAUDIBLE] 413 00:19:15,170 --> 00:19:16,630 Check him real hard on. 414 00:19:16,630 --> 00:19:17,460 Whoa! 415 00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:18,660 I smelled that, you son of a bitch. 416 00:19:18,660 --> 00:19:19,760 What do you think you're pulling? 417 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:20,630 She was raping me! 418 00:19:20,630 --> 00:19:21,420 Get on the ground! 419 00:19:21,420 --> 00:19:22,350 On the ground now! 420 00:19:22,350 --> 00:19:24,030 Hands on your head! 421 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,030 Do you know who my father is? 422 00:19:25,030 --> 00:19:26,500 Get down! Stay down! 423 00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:28,470 Hands above your head! Get down! 424 00:19:28,470 --> 00:19:30,430 Stay down! 425 00:19:30,430 --> 00:19:31,900 She was asking for it. 426 00:19:31,900 --> 00:19:33,380 They fucking deserved it! 427 00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:34,850 Fuck you, asshole! 428 00:19:34,850 --> 00:19:36,320 I'll show you... 429 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,290 Don't you ever do that to a woman! 430 00:19:38,290 --> 00:19:39,270 You tell him! 431 00:19:39,270 --> 00:19:40,250 You're a bad man! 432 00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:41,720 You don't have to rape! 433 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:43,200 You go to jail! 434 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:44,720 Forever. Son of a bitch. 435 00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,510 I'll show you what it feels like. 436 00:19:46,510 --> 00:19:47,400 [SPLOOGING] 437 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,500 [SCREAMING] 438 00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:50,480 Oh. 439 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:51,940 Oh, yeah. Lube it up. 440 00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:57,310 Enough of this. 441 00:19:57,310 --> 00:19:58,090 Clean up our city. 442 00:19:58,090 --> 00:19:59,900 No more rapes. 443 00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:01,460 Nobody gets away with shit over here. 444 00:20:01,460 --> 00:20:02,480 You understand? 445 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:03,830 Yeah. 446 00:20:03,830 --> 00:20:05,890 All that working out is paying off, man. 447 00:20:05,890 --> 00:20:06,590 I'm telling you. 448 00:20:06,590 --> 00:20:07,960 It's all paying off now. 449 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,220 Ain't nobody gonna get away with murder around here. 450 00:20:10,220 --> 00:20:11,300 I'm badass. 451 00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:14,060 [GUNSHOTS] Kick 'em. 452 00:20:14,060 --> 00:20:14,910 I'm gonna stop 'em. 453 00:20:17,710 --> 00:20:19,580 [GUNSHOTS] 454 00:20:19,580 --> 00:20:21,150 Get an ambulance. 455 00:20:21,150 --> 00:20:22,370 Maybe I was a little rough. 456 00:20:22,370 --> 00:20:23,530 Yeah, she caught the guy. 457 00:20:23,530 --> 00:20:25,370 That was a good bit of police work from all I hear. 458 00:20:25,370 --> 00:20:26,070 Right. 459 00:20:26,070 --> 00:20:27,590 Stuffed an orange cone up his ass. 460 00:20:27,590 --> 00:20:29,590 He's in the hospital bleeding out of the rectum right now. 461 00:20:29,590 --> 00:20:30,210 Lawsuits. 462 00:20:30,210 --> 00:20:31,620 You know, everybody makes a mistake once. 463 00:20:31,620 --> 00:20:33,980 Right. 464 00:20:33,980 --> 00:20:35,120 Purse snatcher? 465 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:37,200 She got that guy, too. 466 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,360 Gimme that purse, you bitch. 467 00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:40,850 Hi-ya! Ah! 468 00:20:40,850 --> 00:20:42,340 Take that, you bitch. 469 00:20:42,340 --> 00:20:44,830 [POLICE SIRENS] 470 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:48,320 Freeze! 471 00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:50,310 Yow! 472 00:20:50,310 --> 00:20:51,310 Ow! 473 00:20:51,310 --> 00:20:53,300 Son of a bitch! 474 00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:55,290 Taste of your own medicine, you cock sucker! 475 00:20:55,290 --> 00:20:56,290 Want to eat my ass? 476 00:20:56,290 --> 00:20:57,780 Wanna eat my gun? 477 00:20:57,780 --> 00:20:59,770 What the hell do you think you're doing in my city, huh? 478 00:20:59,770 --> 00:21:00,770 That was my purse. 479 00:21:00,770 --> 00:21:02,540 How dare you do that to people. 480 00:21:02,540 --> 00:21:03,270 She stole it from me. 481 00:21:03,270 --> 00:21:05,480 Cocksucker piece of shit! Ow! 482 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:06,570 Get on your stomach. 483 00:21:06,570 --> 00:21:07,960 Take me to a hospital. 484 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,480 Whatever you do, don't stick your nightstick in my wound. 485 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:14,680 Give it to me, baby. 486 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:16,180 Ow! 487 00:21:16,180 --> 00:21:18,180 Ow! 488 00:21:18,180 --> 00:21:20,630 God. 489 00:21:20,630 --> 00:21:23,840 Whatever you do, don't stick a gun up my ass. 490 00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:27,460 Ow! [GUNSHOTS] 491 00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:30,390 [SPLOOGING] 492 00:21:30,390 --> 00:21:31,860 [GUNSHOTS] 493 00:21:31,860 --> 00:21:33,340 Uh oh. 494 00:21:33,340 --> 00:21:35,100 Another one bites the dust. Woo hoo! 495 00:21:35,100 --> 00:21:36,100 Woo! 496 00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:38,580 Call the meat wagon, cocksucker. 497 00:21:38,580 --> 00:21:41,070 [GUNSHOTS] 498 00:21:41,070 --> 00:21:42,060 [BIRD SQUAWKS] 499 00:21:42,060 --> 00:21:43,550 Fucking rule the city, bitch. 500 00:21:43,550 --> 00:21:44,840 Yes, we showed him. [GUNSHOTS] 501 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:45,540 [MAN SCREAMS] 502 00:21:45,540 --> 00:21:47,540 Get some more boogie going downtown. 503 00:21:47,540 --> 00:21:51,110 Keep it safe in my place out of my face. 504 00:21:51,110 --> 00:21:53,600 Gimme some space. 505 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:57,270 - Emptied her clip in his ass. - Twice. 506 00:21:57,270 --> 00:21:58,610 It's a tough town. 507 00:21:58,610 --> 00:22:00,680 Now she's not going to come near this case. 508 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:01,510 So where is she? 509 00:22:01,510 --> 00:22:03,360 She's on ice. 510 00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:05,860 Traffic detail downtown. 511 00:22:05,860 --> 00:22:09,190 She's not going to get in any trouble there. 512 00:22:09,190 --> 00:22:18,650 [MUSIC - THE F UPS, "LOOK AT YOUR SON NOW"] 513 00:22:32,930 --> 00:22:33,920 ANNOUNCER: OK, guys. 514 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:35,890 Up to the stage now is Larry. 515 00:22:49,250 --> 00:22:49,950 Popo. 516 00:22:49,950 --> 00:22:51,500 [INAUDIBLE] What are you doing, huh? 517 00:22:54,750 --> 00:22:57,220 We are not discussing the details of this case, 518 00:22:57,220 --> 00:22:59,870 But I assure you that we are closer than ever 519 00:22:59,870 --> 00:23:02,250 And doing everything we can to bring this sick son of a bitch 520 00:23:02,250 --> 00:23:04,620 To justice. 521 00:23:04,620 --> 00:23:07,820 All I can say is that we have the best people on the case 522 00:23:07,820 --> 00:23:09,040 And there is no reason to panic. 523 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:14,390 No, no, no. 524 00:23:14,390 --> 00:23:17,200 If anything, the nightlife is livelier than ever. 525 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:18,520 That's it. Get out of here. 526 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:19,820 The interview is over. 527 00:23:19,820 --> 00:23:22,530 Takin' you to jail. 528 00:23:22,530 --> 00:23:25,000 [FARTING SOUNDS] 529 00:23:42,390 --> 00:23:43,090 Oh! 530 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:48,860 Ooh. 531 00:23:58,870 --> 00:24:00,860 [CROWD CHEERING] 532 00:24:00,860 --> 00:24:01,940 ANNOUNCER: All right, guys. 533 00:24:01,940 --> 00:24:04,180 Up to the stage now is Ginger. 534 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,460 Hi, would you like some privacy? 535 00:24:12,460 --> 00:24:16,440 We have two private chat rooms to serve you. 536 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:17,140 Not now. 537 00:24:17,140 --> 00:24:18,040 Maybe later. 538 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,620 Aw, come on. 539 00:24:21,620 --> 00:24:22,790 Hey. 540 00:24:22,790 --> 00:24:24,860 You live around here? 541 00:24:24,860 --> 00:24:26,490 Shh, don't talk. 542 00:24:26,490 --> 00:24:27,530 Let me give you a lap dance. 543 00:24:30,670 --> 00:24:32,700 You don't know all the locals, do you? 544 00:24:32,700 --> 00:24:34,530 [FARTING SOUNDS] 545 00:24:34,530 --> 00:24:37,070 Have you seen anything unusual? 546 00:24:37,070 --> 00:24:37,950 [FARTING SOUNDS] 547 00:24:37,950 --> 00:24:39,790 Unusual? 548 00:24:39,790 --> 00:24:41,600 This is a nudie bar, dude. 549 00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:45,050 Weird shit happens all the time. 550 00:24:45,050 --> 00:24:47,180 Do you remember the night the old man was murdered? 551 00:24:51,580 --> 00:24:52,280 Look. 552 00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:55,750 Do you want a lap dance or do you want to talk? 553 00:24:55,750 --> 00:24:57,320 I like a lap dance just fine. 554 00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:59,340 I just like talking, too. 555 00:24:59,340 --> 00:25:01,200 I know what you need. 556 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,390 Two girl fantasy. 557 00:25:03,390 --> 00:25:05,370 Come with me. 558 00:25:05,370 --> 00:25:06,290 I'll get Boner. 559 00:25:10,990 --> 00:25:12,000 So go on in. 560 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,010 Be patient. 561 00:25:13,010 --> 00:25:13,920 I'll get Boner. 562 00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:15,900 We'll be right back. 563 00:25:15,900 --> 00:25:17,430 Be a good boy. Oh. 564 00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:40,330 [SPEAKING ALIEN] 565 00:25:40,330 --> 00:25:43,070 Ah! 566 00:25:43,070 --> 00:25:45,450 This guy looks like he has a lot of money. 567 00:25:45,450 --> 00:25:47,100 Maybe he'll pay for my operation. 568 00:25:47,100 --> 00:25:50,090 [SCREAMING] 569 00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:03,530 GUY ON RADIO: Attention, all cops. 570 00:26:03,530 --> 00:26:05,030 Attention, all cops. 571 00:26:05,030 --> 00:26:07,020 Murder at the Shimmering Beaver. 572 00:26:07,020 --> 00:26:08,510 Murder at the Shimmering Beaver. 573 00:26:08,510 --> 00:26:10,010 Possible officer down. 574 00:26:10,010 --> 00:26:11,500 Not my bunny. 575 00:26:15,980 --> 00:26:18,970 [POLICE SIRENS] 576 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,950 Jeez, I hope this isn't Detective Dance. 577 00:26:24,950 --> 00:26:28,930 I call his wallet. 578 00:26:28,930 --> 00:26:29,930 It's him. 579 00:26:29,930 --> 00:26:30,670 It's Travis. 580 00:26:33,660 --> 00:26:36,440 Is that his head? 581 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:37,760 No, Chief. 582 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:39,990 I think it's over there. 583 00:26:39,990 --> 00:26:43,030 He said he had a hunch about this place. 584 00:26:43,030 --> 00:26:46,380 Looks like he was right. 585 00:26:46,380 --> 00:26:48,470 Well, let's call it in. 586 00:26:48,470 --> 00:26:51,460 [POLICE SIRENS] 587 00:27:05,410 --> 00:27:06,430 Goddammit. 588 00:27:06,430 --> 00:27:08,070 That sounds like Ivanna. 589 00:27:08,070 --> 00:27:09,250 Pope, get out there and stop her. 590 00:27:09,250 --> 00:27:10,740 She can't see Travis like this. 591 00:27:14,210 --> 00:27:15,210 Hey, hey, hey. 592 00:27:15,210 --> 00:27:16,530 You don't want to go in there. 593 00:27:16,530 --> 00:27:17,790 He's dead, isn't he? 594 00:27:17,790 --> 00:27:19,460 Yeah, and somebody took his wallet. 595 00:27:19,460 --> 00:27:21,090 My god! 596 00:27:21,090 --> 00:27:22,030 I'm... I'm... 597 00:27:22,030 --> 00:27:23,440 Oh, my god! 598 00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:24,380 Ahh! 599 00:27:24,380 --> 00:27:25,710 What the fuck happened? 600 00:27:25,710 --> 00:27:27,990 Ivanna, I am so sorry. 601 00:27:27,990 --> 00:27:30,000 Save your condolences, Double Dick. 602 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:31,690 Travis is dead! 603 00:27:31,690 --> 00:27:33,500 And he wouldn't be dead if I was on the case with them 604 00:27:33,500 --> 00:27:34,240 And you know it! 605 00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:35,040 Now, Ivanna... 606 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:36,540 [INAUDIBLE] shit to me. 607 00:27:36,540 --> 00:27:38,250 And I'm telling you, I'm on this case starting 608 00:27:38,250 --> 00:27:39,600 Right this fuckin' minute. 609 00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:40,440 You're upset. 610 00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:42,260 Let's talk about this down at the station. 611 00:27:42,260 --> 00:27:43,580 No shit I'm upset. 612 00:27:43,580 --> 00:27:45,210 Let me see what I can do. 613 00:27:45,210 --> 00:27:46,560 I'll tell you what you can do. 614 00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:48,290 You can take your fat ass and your double dick 615 00:27:48,290 --> 00:27:51,170 And get the fuck out of here because I'm coming back. 616 00:27:51,170 --> 00:27:53,650 I'm gettin' naked and I'm going to fuck shit up! 617 00:27:53,650 --> 00:27:55,860 You stay the fuck out of my way. Hey, lady. 618 00:27:55,860 --> 00:27:57,060 I don't mean to butt in or anything, 619 00:27:57,060 --> 00:27:58,590 But a good way to get over the death of your husband 620 00:27:58,590 --> 00:28:00,160 Is to go home and have a naked training montage 621 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:02,240 That all the little 14-year-old kids on the DVD players 622 00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:03,680 Can jerk off to. 623 00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:05,590 And then they won't feel like they wasted their money. 624 00:28:05,590 --> 00:28:07,780 [MUSIC - THE F UPS, "I DON'T KNOW"] 625 00:28:32,060 --> 00:28:35,000 [FARTING SOUNDS] 626 00:29:10,900 --> 00:29:11,590 That's it. 627 00:29:15,590 --> 00:29:17,080 You little bitch whore. 628 00:29:22,370 --> 00:29:23,070 Oh. 629 00:29:36,540 --> 00:29:39,540 [MOANING] 630 00:31:29,670 --> 00:31:30,520 You stay here. 631 00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:31,520 You don't say a word. 632 00:31:39,530 --> 00:31:40,430 ANNOUNCER: All right, guys. 633 00:31:40,430 --> 00:31:43,400 Since it's National Comic Book Appreciation Week, 634 00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:48,410 Please put your hands together for the amazing Spidercunt. 635 00:31:48,410 --> 00:31:51,650 [MUSIC PLAYING] I like blood and guts. 636 00:31:51,650 --> 00:31:58,190 I like the sound of silence till it drives me totally nuts. 637 00:31:58,190 --> 00:32:03,990 Remember if you come around, you better watch your yapper. 638 00:32:03,990 --> 00:32:07,560 How many souls driven underground, watching 639 00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:09,000 Tales from the Crapper. 640 00:32:13,290 --> 00:32:16,630 I like naked strippers. 641 00:32:16,630 --> 00:32:19,620 Ripping off arms and heads. 642 00:32:19,620 --> 00:32:26,110 It makes me feel so chipper to know they're completely dead. 643 00:32:26,110 --> 00:32:32,590 If you dare to show up, speaking like some old red snapper, 644 00:32:32,590 --> 00:32:35,090 Please don't make me throw up. 645 00:32:35,090 --> 00:32:39,080 I'm watching Tales from the Crapper. 646 00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:40,080 Man. 647 00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:43,070 Ah, I would love to sniff your panties. 648 00:32:43,070 --> 00:32:44,570 Well, guess what, handsome? 649 00:32:44,570 --> 00:32:46,070 I'm not wearing any. 650 00:32:46,070 --> 00:32:47,560 Hot damn. 651 00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:48,860 - Shit! - Gross! 652 00:32:48,860 --> 00:32:49,560 Vagina. 653 00:33:02,610 --> 00:33:03,600 Ooh, you know what? 654 00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:05,490 I thought you'd have been shaving down there. 655 00:33:05,490 --> 00:33:06,570 - Yeah. - Really? 656 00:33:06,570 --> 00:33:09,020 Yeah. 657 00:33:09,020 --> 00:33:10,490 Oh, yeah. 658 00:33:10,490 --> 00:33:12,940 Yeah. 659 00:33:12,940 --> 00:33:14,900 Oh, yeah. 660 00:33:14,900 --> 00:33:17,840 What the fuck is she doing in there? 661 00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:19,800 Fuck! 662 00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:20,780 Ah! 663 00:33:20,780 --> 00:33:22,250 Shit! 664 00:33:22,250 --> 00:33:23,720 Shit! 665 00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:25,190 Shit! 666 00:33:25,190 --> 00:33:26,360 What are you doing? 667 00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:27,860 What do you mean, what am I doing? 668 00:33:27,860 --> 00:33:29,350 Oh, my nose! 669 00:33:29,350 --> 00:33:30,350 My nose! 670 00:33:30,350 --> 00:33:32,850 Oh, fuck! 671 00:33:32,850 --> 00:33:33,850 Excuse me? 672 00:33:33,850 --> 00:33:36,140 But is there a reason why you're chasing my customers away? 673 00:33:36,140 --> 00:33:38,850 I'm sorry. I... I'm just a little nervous. 674 00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:40,640 What do you have to be nervous about? 675 00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:42,740 Well, I'm here to ask you for a job. 676 00:33:42,740 --> 00:33:44,070 Oh, really? 677 00:33:44,070 --> 00:33:44,960 I wanna be a dancer. 678 00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:46,170 You wanna be a dancer? 679 00:33:46,170 --> 00:33:46,870 Then get on stage. 680 00:33:46,870 --> 00:33:48,330 Show your tits, bitch. 681 00:33:48,330 --> 00:33:49,030 OK. 682 00:33:49,030 --> 00:33:49,880 I'll get my costume on. 683 00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:52,520 Thanks. 684 00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:53,450 ANNOUNCER: All righty, guys. 685 00:33:53,450 --> 00:33:55,650 This is her first time on stage, so be kind. 686 00:33:55,650 --> 00:33:58,260 This is Ivanna. 687 00:33:58,260 --> 00:34:01,210 When Ivanna's not stripping, she's an undercover cop, 688 00:34:01,210 --> 00:34:03,370 Posing as a stripper. 689 00:34:03,370 --> 00:34:05,870 [MUSIC PLAYING] 690 00:34:11,580 --> 00:34:12,280 [INAUDIBLE] 691 00:34:15,510 --> 00:34:17,320 CROWD: Boo! C'mon! 692 00:34:22,070 --> 00:34:23,840 Hey, Larry, am I getting a bald spot? 693 00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:34,760 [FARTING SOUNDS] 694 00:34:43,500 --> 00:34:44,430 ANNOUNCER: All right, guys. 695 00:34:44,430 --> 00:34:48,030 Could you believe that this is Ivanna's first time on stage? 696 00:34:48,030 --> 00:35:30,590 Yeah, so can I. 697 00:35:33,670 --> 00:35:39,210 [CROWD CHEERING] 698 00:35:39,210 --> 00:35:40,420 So do I got a job? 699 00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:46,060 - Yeah, you got it. - Yes! 700 00:35:46,060 --> 00:35:47,320 Thank you so much. 701 00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:49,480 I won't let you down. 702 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,040 - What is she doing? - All right. 703 00:35:51,040 --> 00:35:51,740 How about... 704 00:35:51,740 --> 00:35:53,150 - Yeah. - Yep. 705 00:35:55,950 --> 00:36:00,800 I'm into some kinky shit and I hope you guys like it rough. 706 00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:01,790 Oh, yeah. 707 00:36:01,790 --> 00:36:03,280 Rough! 708 00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:04,760 Yeah. 709 00:36:04,760 --> 00:36:05,760 Hey, sweetie. 710 00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:06,800 Excuse me, Deke. 711 00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:08,130 We don't want any trouble, man. 712 00:36:08,130 --> 00:36:10,140 Nobody has to worry about trouble as 713 00:36:10,140 --> 00:36:12,350 Long as you learn how to relax. 714 00:36:12,350 --> 00:36:13,250 ANNOUNCER: All right, guys. 715 00:36:13,250 --> 00:36:17,370 Entering the strip club is Deke, our resident red herring. 716 00:36:17,370 --> 00:36:18,790 This could be him, Popo. 717 00:36:18,790 --> 00:36:19,620 You sure? 718 00:36:19,620 --> 00:36:23,100 His interests are confusing viewer, combing his hair, 719 00:36:23,100 --> 00:36:25,510 And taking his coat off. Dance? 720 00:36:25,510 --> 00:36:26,280 Dance? 721 00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:27,220 Anyone want a dance? 722 00:36:27,220 --> 00:36:28,170 No, you didn't. 723 00:36:28,170 --> 00:36:30,640 That's my pretty pink bikini, bitch. 724 00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:33,600 Get the... You scummy cunt. 725 00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:34,580 I'll slice you open. 726 00:36:34,580 --> 00:36:36,310 You better give that back. 727 00:36:36,310 --> 00:36:38,250 I paid hundreds of dollars for it 728 00:36:38,250 --> 00:36:40,460 And your fat ass doesn't work in it anyway. 729 00:36:40,460 --> 00:36:41,690 You're not killing anyone else, pal. 730 00:36:41,690 --> 00:36:42,590 ANNOUNCER: All right, guys. 731 00:36:42,590 --> 00:36:44,480 Put your hands together for the poorly 732 00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:46,200 Choreographed kung fu fight. 733 00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:49,160 [GRUNTING] 734 00:36:50,630 --> 00:36:52,120 We got him. 735 00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:52,970 Let's go. He's mine. 736 00:36:52,970 --> 00:36:53,670 All right. 737 00:36:56,490 --> 00:36:57,930 - Where? - He's over there. 738 00:36:57,930 --> 00:36:58,670 Over there. 739 00:36:58,670 --> 00:36:59,660 Freeze! 740 00:36:59,660 --> 00:37:01,420 Party's over, scumbag! 741 00:37:01,420 --> 00:37:03,510 [GRUNTING] 742 00:37:04,470 --> 00:37:05,420 Cuff him, Popo. 743 00:37:05,420 --> 00:37:06,840 I gotcha. 744 00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:09,820 [SCREAMING] 745 00:37:09,820 --> 00:37:11,820 I'll get him. 746 00:37:11,820 --> 00:37:14,820 [GRUNTING] 747 00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:21,410 Oh, no, no, no. 748 00:37:21,410 --> 00:37:22,340 Not in the package. 749 00:37:22,340 --> 00:37:24,290 Oh, Yes, daddy. 750 00:37:24,290 --> 00:37:25,090 Oh! 751 00:37:25,090 --> 00:37:25,920 Put it to my temple. 752 00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:27,510 Put it in my mouth. 753 00:37:27,510 --> 00:37:30,320 I should have fucked you when I had the chance. 754 00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:31,650 Are you responsible for the murders? 755 00:37:31,650 --> 00:37:32,840 I'm the murderer, baby. 756 00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:34,450 I killed him. Thank god. 757 00:37:37,590 --> 00:37:39,490 I'm not playing anymore games with you guys. 758 00:37:39,490 --> 00:37:40,710 Shit! 759 00:37:40,710 --> 00:37:42,390 I told you this was a fun place. 760 00:37:42,390 --> 00:37:43,730 Yeah, tie me up. 761 00:37:43,730 --> 00:37:44,730 Make it real... Damn! 762 00:37:44,730 --> 00:37:45,530 I like it tight. 763 00:37:45,530 --> 00:37:47,230 - Mhm. - Mm. 764 00:37:47,230 --> 00:37:49,620 Yeah. 765 00:37:49,620 --> 00:37:53,440 Yeah, I like it tight, too. 766 00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:55,140 Hey, what the fuck you think you're doing, bitch? 767 00:37:55,140 --> 00:37:56,660 Give that back! 768 00:37:56,660 --> 00:38:00,060 Bitch, what kind of fucking lap dance is this? 769 00:38:00,060 --> 00:38:01,400 It's the kind of lap dance where you 770 00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:03,270 Tell me what I want to know. Fuck you, bitch. 771 00:38:03,270 --> 00:38:04,490 We ain't tellng you shit. 772 00:38:04,490 --> 00:38:06,930 And you can suck my dick. 773 00:38:06,930 --> 00:38:09,680 How about I make you boys my bitches? 774 00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:11,100 Agh! 775 00:38:11,100 --> 00:38:13,960 [POLICE SIRENS] 776 00:38:15,860 --> 00:38:17,610 How long are we going to make her stay in there 777 00:38:17,610 --> 00:38:20,010 And degrade herself before we tell her we caught the killer? 778 00:38:20,010 --> 00:38:21,950 Not yet. You kidding me? 779 00:38:21,950 --> 00:38:23,750 After all the headache she's caused me, 780 00:38:23,750 --> 00:38:26,640 I've been waiting for the opportunity to get back at her. 781 00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:27,600 Heh heh heh. 782 00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:31,440 Every dog has his or her day. 783 00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:32,830 Who knows what kind of degrading acts 784 00:38:32,830 --> 00:38:36,830 Ivanna's subjecting herself to right now. 785 00:38:36,830 --> 00:38:39,780 [SLURPING SOUNDS] 786 00:38:39,780 --> 00:38:41,740 Ooh, hot! 787 00:38:41,740 --> 00:38:43,210 CROWD: Oh, shit. 788 00:38:43,210 --> 00:38:45,630 Ooh! 789 00:38:45,630 --> 00:38:48,070 Now tell me who the strip club killer is. 790 00:38:48,070 --> 00:38:49,550 What? 791 00:38:49,550 --> 00:38:51,180 What the fuck you talking about? 792 00:38:51,180 --> 00:38:53,510 Tell me who the fucking murderer is! 793 00:38:53,510 --> 00:38:55,290 What the fuck are you talkin' about, lady? 794 00:38:55,290 --> 00:38:57,000 We don't know anything, lady! 795 00:38:57,000 --> 00:38:57,810 Keep those hips moving! 796 00:38:57,810 --> 00:38:58,810 Come! 797 00:38:58,810 --> 00:38:59,810 C'mon, Chief. 798 00:38:59,810 --> 00:39:00,980 It's been long enough. 799 00:39:00,980 --> 00:39:01,950 OK, OK. 800 00:39:01,950 --> 00:39:04,540 I'll cut her loose. 801 00:39:04,540 --> 00:39:06,930 Yeah, Doublestump here. 802 00:39:06,930 --> 00:39:09,360 We apprehended the strip club killer. 803 00:39:09,360 --> 00:39:11,000 Someone get word to Ivanna immediately. 804 00:39:13,620 --> 00:39:14,900 Happy? 805 00:39:14,900 --> 00:39:16,030 Very. 806 00:39:16,030 --> 00:39:18,120 That's why you put up a mask. 807 00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:19,860 There are zoning laws. OK. 808 00:39:19,860 --> 00:39:20,860 This is just coming in to me. 809 00:39:20,860 --> 00:39:22,630 Thank you, Louise. It's Ramone. 810 00:39:22,630 --> 00:39:23,730 Ramone. 811 00:39:23,730 --> 00:39:24,640 Just in. 812 00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:26,640 Strip club killer apprehended. 813 00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:28,040 - No! - Yes. 814 00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:32,470 Tromaville Action News will be live on the air 24 hours a day 815 00:39:32,470 --> 00:39:34,770 To bring you, the viewing public, 816 00:39:34,770 --> 00:39:37,950 Live coverage of every angle of this breaking story. 817 00:39:37,950 --> 00:39:39,250 We'll be interviewing the killer's 818 00:39:39,250 --> 00:39:41,480 Neighbors, his mom, his grade school 819 00:39:41,480 --> 00:39:43,200 Teachers, his reflexologist. 820 00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:44,060 [PAGER BEEPS] 821 00:39:44,060 --> 00:39:45,040 We don't know anything! 822 00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:52,900 Now don't you tell anybody about this, you buttfuck. 823 00:39:52,900 --> 00:39:53,640 You hear me? 824 00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:55,400 No shit, asshole. 825 00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:57,900 [FARTING SOUNDS] 826 00:39:59,850 --> 00:40:01,630 Oh, well. Thanks for nothing, guys. 827 00:40:01,630 --> 00:40:02,330 What? 828 00:40:02,330 --> 00:40:04,130 At least you're in touch with your own sexuality now. 829 00:40:10,590 --> 00:40:12,510 [PHONE RINGING] 830 00:40:12,510 --> 00:40:13,730 Doublestump. 831 00:40:13,730 --> 00:40:15,290 Where did you find the guy? 832 00:40:15,290 --> 00:40:16,950 The Shimmering Beaver. 833 00:40:16,950 --> 00:40:18,970 I was at the Beaver. 834 00:40:18,970 --> 00:40:20,240 When did you find the guy? 835 00:40:20,240 --> 00:40:21,410 I'm gonna come down there and check 836 00:40:21,410 --> 00:40:23,330 Your fuckin' files myself. 837 00:40:23,330 --> 00:40:25,110 Around 11:30, OK? 838 00:40:25,110 --> 00:40:27,280 You must have been in the back room. 839 00:40:27,280 --> 00:40:30,760 You left me in that chat room for half an hour? 840 00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:32,830 Are you sure you have the right guy because I'm coming down 841 00:40:32,830 --> 00:40:34,660 There to question him myself. 842 00:40:34,660 --> 00:40:36,020 No, no, no, no. 843 00:40:36,020 --> 00:40:37,870 That won't be necessary. 844 00:40:37,870 --> 00:40:40,530 Damn, I'm mad! 845 00:40:40,530 --> 00:40:43,070 Fuck! 846 00:40:43,070 --> 00:40:47,700 I hate that Doublestump dick prick piece of shit! 847 00:40:47,700 --> 00:40:50,170 [MUSIC PLAYING] 848 00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:53,370 ANNOUNCER: OK, guys. 849 00:40:53,370 --> 00:40:55,780 The girls are always available for private dances. 850 00:41:04,700 --> 00:41:07,480 We have a special for all you guys with big pimples. 851 00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:09,770 But you must masturbate into your wigs. 852 00:41:12,650 --> 00:41:36,120 I'm 853 00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:38,610 [SPLOOGING] 854 00:41:51,550 --> 00:41:53,050 [SCREAMING] 855 00:41:53,050 --> 00:41:56,530 What the hell? 856 00:41:56,530 --> 00:41:59,080 [SCREAMING] Oh, my god. 857 00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:00,780 Somebody call 9-1-1. 858 00:42:00,780 --> 00:42:04,970 [SCREAMING] 859 00:42:04,970 --> 00:42:07,530 [SPEAKING ALIEN] 860 00:42:09,970 --> 00:42:12,890 [ALIEN SOUNDS] 861 00:42:13,860 --> 00:42:16,300 [SCREAMING] 862 00:42:18,250 --> 00:42:20,360 [SPEAKING ALIEN] 863 00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:28,340 RADIO ANNOUNCER: Multiple murders in progress 864 00:42:28,340 --> 00:42:30,140 At the Shimmering Beaver. Fuck! 865 00:42:30,140 --> 00:42:30,840 I knew it! 866 00:42:33,640 --> 00:42:34,890 Yes. This just in. 867 00:42:34,890 --> 00:42:37,170 The strip club killer not apprehended. 868 00:42:37,170 --> 00:42:38,440 It is not the guy. 869 00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:39,410 False alarm, people. 870 00:42:39,410 --> 00:42:42,670 However, we will continue our 24 hour coverage of this event 871 00:42:42,670 --> 00:42:45,350 Because quite frankly, we've got nothing better to do. 872 00:42:45,350 --> 00:42:47,120 I have some zoysia grass to grow. 873 00:42:47,120 --> 00:42:49,230 I had a date tonight that was canceled. 874 00:42:49,230 --> 00:42:51,270 - Canceled. - And I'm here. 875 00:42:51,270 --> 00:42:53,580 And you know, if she wants to be a woman about it, 876 00:42:53,580 --> 00:42:55,810 She'll call me instead of sending me an email. 877 00:42:55,810 --> 00:42:56,640 Yeah, that's weak. 878 00:42:56,640 --> 00:42:57,530 A mass email. 879 00:43:00,950 --> 00:43:02,440 What the fuck? [ALIEN SOUNDS] 880 00:43:02,440 --> 00:43:04,410 Let her go! 881 00:43:04,410 --> 00:43:06,880 [GUNSHOTS] 882 00:43:08,860 --> 00:43:10,820 [SPEAKING ALIEN] 883 00:43:14,820 --> 00:43:17,820 [ALIEN SOUNDS] 884 00:43:17,820 --> 00:43:20,320 [MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO - "CANNIBAL LESBIAN HOEDOWN"] 885 00:43:23,820 --> 00:43:25,320 GUY ON RADIO: Multiple homicides in progress 886 00:43:25,320 --> 00:43:26,320 At the Shimmering Beaver. 887 00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:27,820 Chief, did you hear that? 888 00:43:27,820 --> 00:43:29,340 Looks like we might have the wrong man. 889 00:43:29,340 --> 00:43:30,220 No! 890 00:43:30,220 --> 00:43:31,090 Holy cannoli. 891 00:43:31,090 --> 00:43:32,550 No, that guy's got it all wrong. 892 00:43:32,550 --> 00:43:34,870 I hope Ivanna didn't go back there by herself. 893 00:43:34,870 --> 00:43:37,500 I'm the one that killed those bitches and I'll do it again. 894 00:43:37,500 --> 00:43:38,370 Sergeant Dance. 895 00:43:38,370 --> 00:43:40,130 Sergeant Dance come in. 896 00:43:40,130 --> 00:43:42,560 Someone's taking credit for my shit! 897 00:43:42,560 --> 00:43:44,530 Ivanna, do you read me? 898 00:43:44,530 --> 00:43:46,510 Shit, I think she went back there by herself. 899 00:43:46,510 --> 00:43:47,490 Better call for back up. 900 00:43:47,490 --> 00:43:49,260 Hit the lights. Doublestump. 901 00:43:49,260 --> 00:43:49,960 [POLICE SIRENS] 902 00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:53,410 Officer in need of assistance at the Shimmering Beaver. 903 00:43:53,410 --> 00:43:55,820 All units respond. Ugh! 904 00:43:55,820 --> 00:43:57,430 You guys have me! 905 00:43:57,430 --> 00:43:58,780 Where are you guys going? 906 00:43:58,780 --> 00:44:00,650 The jail's the other way. 907 00:44:00,650 --> 00:44:02,650 I want to get ass raped by Aryans. 908 00:44:02,650 --> 00:44:04,070 I wanna drop the soap. 909 00:44:04,070 --> 00:44:05,540 I've always heard it's so much fun. 910 00:44:05,540 --> 00:44:06,540 I wanna drop the soap! 911 00:44:06,540 --> 00:44:10,450 [SCREAMING] 912 00:44:10,450 --> 00:44:13,650 Oh, my god. 913 00:44:13,650 --> 00:44:14,610 Oh, my god! 914 00:44:14,610 --> 00:44:17,470 [SCREAMING] 915 00:44:17,470 --> 00:44:19,650 [ALIEN SOUNDS] 916 00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:35,880 [SPEAKING ALIEN] 917 00:44:46,400 --> 00:44:47,840 What are you doing laying there? 918 00:44:47,840 --> 00:44:50,930 Get up and show me what you got on stage! 919 00:44:50,930 --> 00:44:51,770 [SPEAKING ALIEN] 920 00:44:51,770 --> 00:44:52,670 ANNOUNCER: All right, guys. 921 00:44:52,670 --> 00:44:55,170 Up to the stage right now is the topless praying mantis 922 00:44:55,170 --> 00:44:56,280 Monster and Ivanna. 923 00:45:11,020 --> 00:45:13,480 [ALIEN SOUNDS] 924 00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:21,830 Yes! 925 00:45:21,830 --> 00:45:24,810 Travis! 926 00:45:24,810 --> 00:45:27,170 Ivanna? 927 00:45:27,170 --> 00:45:28,150 Are you okay? 928 00:45:28,150 --> 00:45:29,640 I don't know, am I OK? 929 00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:31,120 Am I OK? 930 00:45:31,120 --> 00:45:32,900 What the hell has happened in here, Ivanna? 931 00:45:32,900 --> 00:45:34,290 What happened? 932 00:45:34,290 --> 00:45:37,290 You've got some big time explaining to do. 933 00:45:37,290 --> 00:45:38,290 The killer! 934 00:45:38,290 --> 00:45:40,290 I killed the killer! That's what happened! 935 00:45:40,290 --> 00:45:41,250 I killed it right there! 936 00:45:41,250 --> 00:45:42,160 Bitch! 937 00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:44,450 I did it for Travis! 938 00:45:44,450 --> 00:45:47,820 I did it for Travis! 939 00:45:47,820 --> 00:45:48,880 Popo. 940 00:45:48,880 --> 00:45:50,510 Call the meat wagon. 941 00:45:50,510 --> 00:45:53,130 Tell the boys they're gonna pick up some overtime tonight. 942 00:45:53,130 --> 00:45:54,020 This just in. 943 00:45:54,020 --> 00:45:56,420 Strip club killer has been caught. 944 00:45:56,420 --> 00:45:57,490 And it's a female. 945 00:45:57,490 --> 00:45:59,300 - It's a female killer. - Oh, my god. 946 00:45:59,300 --> 00:46:00,370 The public's going to love this. 947 00:46:00,370 --> 00:46:01,360 Thank god. 948 00:46:01,360 --> 00:46:02,950 - I mean... - Midgets. 949 00:46:02,950 --> 00:46:03,930 And Jews. 950 00:46:03,930 --> 00:46:04,770 But wait, wait. 951 00:46:04,770 --> 00:46:05,710 It gets better. 952 00:46:05,710 --> 00:46:07,020 She's not just a woman. 953 00:46:07,020 --> 00:46:09,220 She's a stripper alien mantis creature, too. 954 00:46:09,220 --> 00:46:10,330 Jackpot. Give me some claw. 955 00:46:10,330 --> 00:46:11,320 Touchdown. 956 00:46:11,320 --> 00:46:13,090 Eh. 957 00:46:13,090 --> 00:46:14,490 Eh. Yes. 958 00:46:14,490 --> 00:46:16,940 We will be live on the air 24/7 to give you 959 00:46:16,940 --> 00:46:20,040 This exclusive coverage of the stripper alien mantis 960 00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:21,290 Creature massacre. 961 00:46:21,290 --> 00:46:23,590 And stick with us after the break 962 00:46:23,590 --> 00:46:27,650 When our very own Jonathan Gottlieb explores a new level 963 00:46:27,650 --> 00:46:31,230 Of underground animals. 964 00:46:31,230 --> 00:46:32,650 Tight hold. 965 00:46:32,650 --> 00:46:35,060 What's furry down there by my foot? 966 00:46:35,060 --> 00:46:35,880 Moley molerstein. 967 00:46:48,520 --> 00:46:52,500 [GRUNTING] [FARTING SOUNDS] 968 00:46:52,500 --> 00:46:53,870 Goddamn! 969 00:46:53,870 --> 00:46:55,280 [FARTING SOUNDS] 970 00:46:55,280 --> 00:46:59,490 You know, every day, I get letters just like this one. 971 00:46:59,490 --> 00:47:02,820 [FARTING SOUNDS] 972 00:47:08,530 --> 00:47:13,130 Dear Crap Keeper, please stop calling my home or I'll 973 00:47:13,130 --> 00:47:14,190 Have you shot. 974 00:47:14,190 --> 00:47:17,100 Best wishes, Hillary Rodham Clinton. 975 00:47:17,100 --> 00:47:17,800 Ew. 976 00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:19,620 Ich. 977 00:47:19,620 --> 00:47:21,870 [TOILET FLUSHING] 978 00:47:21,870 --> 00:47:27,580 But every once in awhile, I get a letter like... 979 00:47:27,580 --> 00:47:30,010 [FARTING SOUNDS] 980 00:47:31,960 --> 00:47:33,420 Whew! Ah. 981 00:47:33,420 --> 00:47:36,670 Like... like this. 982 00:47:36,670 --> 00:47:38,150 Whew. 983 00:47:38,150 --> 00:47:40,620 Uh... 984 00:47:40,620 --> 00:47:45,320 Dear Crap Keeper, your films are so fucking retarded. 985 00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:49,300 How do you get investors to continuously fund your garbage? 986 00:47:49,300 --> 00:47:51,530 I hope you drown in your own shit 987 00:47:51,530 --> 00:47:53,930 And die a long and horrible death. 988 00:47:53,930 --> 00:47:56,810 Sincerely, Little Jimmy Picknoser. 989 00:47:56,810 --> 00:47:58,720 Topeka, Kansas. 990 00:47:58,720 --> 00:48:05,470 P.S. I hope a dog digs up your corpse and pees on it. 991 00:48:05,470 --> 00:48:07,470 Oh, well. Oh, well, Jimmy. 992 00:48:07,470 --> 00:48:11,560 Thanks for your great interest in independent film production. 993 00:48:11,560 --> 00:48:15,510 Now today, we're going to show you how you, Little Jimmy, 994 00:48:15,510 --> 00:48:17,140 Can make your own damn movie. 995 00:48:17,140 --> 00:48:18,570 Yes, Make Your Own Damn Movie. 996 00:48:18,570 --> 00:48:22,860 It's the hot new book by my good handsome friend, Lloyd Kaufman. 997 00:48:22,860 --> 00:48:25,720 Available at Barnes and Noble, Borders, and fine bookstores 998 00:48:25,720 --> 00:48:26,490 Everywhere. 999 00:48:26,490 --> 00:48:27,790 And you know what you're going to need, 1000 00:48:27,790 --> 00:48:29,660 Jimmy... to start your film? 1001 00:48:29,660 --> 00:48:32,870 You know what you need to begin making your own damn movie? 1002 00:48:32,870 --> 00:48:34,640 You need a script. 1003 00:48:34,640 --> 00:48:37,320 Yes, a script is a blueprint for your movie. 1004 00:48:37,320 --> 00:48:41,740 And everything must be just so with a movie that Jimmy makes. 1005 00:48:41,740 --> 00:48:44,410 Now, let's see what kind of a script we're going to get. 1006 00:48:44,410 --> 00:48:45,970 [FARTING SOUNDS] Oh. 1007 00:48:45,970 --> 00:48:47,780 Ah. 1008 00:48:47,780 --> 00:48:48,680 Oah. 1009 00:48:48,680 --> 00:48:56,720 And Jimmy, your script is going to be What Women Want? 1010 00:48:56,720 --> 00:48:58,280 No way. 1011 00:48:58,280 --> 00:49:00,640 [TOILET FLUSHING] 1012 00:49:00,640 --> 00:49:04,430 You know, John Cassavetes always said a good movie 1013 00:49:04,430 --> 00:49:06,020 Comes from the heart. 1014 00:49:06,020 --> 00:49:08,720 So Little Jimmy, we're going to improvise. 1015 00:49:08,720 --> 00:49:10,270 Yes, Little Jimmy. 1016 00:49:10,270 --> 00:49:13,960 You're going to be improvising your movie. 1017 00:49:13,960 --> 00:49:16,180 Now, what you need next? 1018 00:49:16,180 --> 00:49:18,590 You need a location. 1019 00:49:18,590 --> 00:49:22,510 Locations are places where you produce your movie. 1020 00:49:22,510 --> 00:49:26,290 Your location might want to be a sunny and exotic place. 1021 00:49:26,290 --> 00:49:30,470 So Jimmy, let's produce your movie in... 1022 00:49:30,470 --> 00:49:32,870 [SCREAMING] 1023 00:49:35,270 --> 00:49:38,570 In sunny Jamaica! 1024 00:49:38,570 --> 00:49:40,890 Uh... Hm. 1025 00:49:40,890 --> 00:49:45,690 Uh... In a sunny crack house! 1026 00:49:45,690 --> 00:49:49,230 Now, your film is going to need a protagonist... a hero... 1027 00:49:49,230 --> 00:49:52,230 Someone that every man can identify with... 1028 00:49:52,230 --> 00:49:55,350 Can say, you know, that could be me. 1029 00:49:55,350 --> 00:49:57,090 And let's see now. 1030 00:49:57,090 --> 00:49:58,600 What... the protagonist... hm. 1031 00:49:58,600 --> 00:49:59,790 Protagonist hero. 1032 00:49:59,790 --> 00:50:01,200 Perhaps, hm, I don't know. 1033 00:50:01,200 --> 00:50:04,500 Maybe... maybe your protagonist could be say, 1034 00:50:04,500 --> 00:50:08,240 A gorgeous lesbian art student with an insatiable yearning 1035 00:50:08,240 --> 00:50:09,910 For sexual gratification. 1036 00:50:09,910 --> 00:50:13,090 I am a gorgeous lesbian art student 1037 00:50:13,090 --> 00:50:18,520 With an insatiable yearning for sexual gratification. 1038 00:50:18,520 --> 00:50:19,800 Wow. 1039 00:50:19,800 --> 00:50:24,400 And what's a protagonist without a love interest? 1040 00:50:24,400 --> 00:50:26,740 I'm another gorgeous lesbian art 1041 00:50:26,740 --> 00:50:29,460 Student with an unquenchable yearning 1042 00:50:29,460 --> 00:50:31,740 For sexual gratification. 1043 00:50:31,740 --> 00:50:32,740 [SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING] 1044 00:50:32,740 --> 00:50:34,740 Excellent. Yeah. 1045 00:50:56,840 --> 00:50:58,810 [MOANING] 1046 00:50:58,810 --> 00:51:01,770 [INAUDIBLE] 1047 00:51:01,770 --> 00:51:05,190 You know, your story's going to need some kind of conflict. 1048 00:51:05,190 --> 00:51:05,970 A conflict. 1049 00:51:05,970 --> 00:51:06,920 That's the important thing. 1050 00:51:06,920 --> 00:51:10,320 You need something that the heroes can overcome. 1051 00:51:10,320 --> 00:51:12,520 An insurmountable goal, perhaps. 1052 00:51:12,520 --> 00:51:16,130 Now, your car. 1053 00:51:16,130 --> 00:51:22,290 Your car has broken down and you don't have a phone. 1054 00:51:22,290 --> 00:51:24,110 Then you have to call for a tow. 1055 00:51:24,110 --> 00:51:26,140 Our car is broken down. 1056 00:51:26,140 --> 00:51:30,170 And we need a phone to call for a tow. 1057 00:51:30,170 --> 00:51:33,590 Now, what kind of a story would this 1058 00:51:33,590 --> 00:51:35,720 Be if we didn't have a villain? 1059 00:51:35,720 --> 00:51:37,800 We need to have someone to stand in your way. 1060 00:51:37,800 --> 00:51:38,780 You're heroes. 1061 00:51:38,780 --> 00:51:41,010 We need a Moriarty for your Holmes. 1062 00:51:41,010 --> 00:51:42,800 A yin for your yang. 1063 00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:45,280 Whatever. 1064 00:51:45,280 --> 00:51:48,570 And of course, the yin to every lesbian's yang 1065 00:51:48,570 --> 00:51:51,830 Is a crackhead, totally hard up for voyeuristic 1066 00:51:51,830 --> 00:51:54,210 Lesbian activity. 1067 00:51:54,210 --> 00:51:55,610 Tada! 1068 00:51:55,610 --> 00:51:57,150 Yeah. 1069 00:51:57,150 --> 00:51:58,060 Ew! 1070 00:51:58,060 --> 00:52:00,250 No likey? 1071 00:52:00,250 --> 00:52:04,190 Well, did I mention that the surly crackhead just happens 1072 00:52:04,190 --> 00:52:06,620 To be a pre-op transsexual? 1073 00:52:09,620 --> 00:52:12,340 [SNORTING] 1074 00:52:12,340 --> 00:52:15,020 I'm a surly crackhead, totally hard 1075 00:52:15,020 --> 00:52:19,140 Up for a voyeuristic lesbian experience. 1076 00:52:19,140 --> 00:52:21,500 Did I mention that I'm a pre-op tranny? 1077 00:52:24,220 --> 00:52:26,220 [SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING] 1078 00:52:26,220 --> 00:52:29,710 Over there. Harder. 1079 00:52:33,600 --> 00:52:36,040 [MOANING] 1080 00:52:37,010 --> 00:52:39,580 Now, you film students look carefully. 1081 00:52:39,580 --> 00:52:40,500 This is a gun. 1082 00:52:40,500 --> 00:52:42,520 And whenever the occasion arises, 1083 00:52:42,520 --> 00:52:43,810 Put a gun in your movie. 1084 00:52:43,810 --> 00:52:46,010 Audiences always are interested in guns, 1085 00:52:46,010 --> 00:52:47,910 Especially American audiences. 1086 00:52:47,910 --> 00:52:49,310 Whether you're doing a movie about... about 1087 00:52:49,310 --> 00:52:52,940 A raccoon family or about pre-op transsexuals, 1088 00:52:52,940 --> 00:52:54,520 Put a gun in your movie. 1089 00:52:54,520 --> 00:52:59,640 Now, pre-op transsexual, take this gun and on with the scene. 1090 00:52:59,640 --> 00:53:00,580 OK? Hurry up. 1091 00:53:00,580 --> 00:53:01,630 Hurry up. Scene. 1092 00:53:01,630 --> 00:53:04,830 Scene. Scene. 1093 00:53:04,830 --> 00:53:08,720 What do you pussy sniffers want? 1094 00:53:08,720 --> 00:53:11,420 Our car broke down and we need to use your phone. 1095 00:53:11,420 --> 00:53:15,010 If you need a fucking phone, I gotta a phone for you, bitch. 1096 00:53:15,010 --> 00:53:16,570 Great! 1097 00:53:16,570 --> 00:53:19,780 OK, now, now, now we need even more conflict. 1098 00:53:19,780 --> 00:53:20,900 More conflict. 1099 00:53:20,900 --> 00:53:21,750 Uh... uh... yeah, good. 1100 00:53:21,750 --> 00:53:22,890 More conflict. You hear that? 1101 00:53:22,890 --> 00:53:24,270 C'mon. Come up with some conflict. 1102 00:53:24,270 --> 00:53:24,570 All right? Ready? 1103 00:53:24,570 --> 00:53:25,470 Let's go! Go! 1104 00:53:25,470 --> 00:53:29,150 Action! Act, act, act! 1105 00:53:29,150 --> 00:53:31,120 We don't have any money. 1106 00:53:31,120 --> 00:53:32,110 No money? 1107 00:53:32,110 --> 00:53:33,070 No. 1108 00:53:33,070 --> 00:53:34,940 No money, no phone. 1109 00:53:34,940 --> 00:53:36,090 You cunts. 1110 00:53:36,090 --> 00:53:42,400 Well, there must be some way we can pay you? 1111 00:53:42,400 --> 00:53:46,220 I think we could arrange that. 1112 00:53:46,220 --> 00:53:50,910 I'm smelling some nice, dripping wet pussy. 1113 00:53:50,910 --> 00:53:51,960 [FARTING SOUNDS] 1114 00:53:51,960 --> 00:53:53,090 Mm. 1115 00:53:53,090 --> 00:53:56,130 Smells like fine fudge-packed ass. 1116 00:53:56,130 --> 00:53:59,300 I think we could arrange something, cunts. 1117 00:54:03,710 --> 00:54:06,350 Take your fucking clothes off, now! 1118 00:54:06,350 --> 00:54:08,800 [SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING] 1119 00:54:12,220 --> 00:54:15,150 [MOANING] 1120 00:54:19,080 --> 00:54:22,790 Blondie, I want your clothes off. 1121 00:54:22,790 --> 00:54:23,690 Take her clothes off. 1122 00:54:36,380 --> 00:54:37,840 Mm! 1123 00:54:37,840 --> 00:54:38,900 Suck her tits. 1124 00:54:42,210 --> 00:54:43,160 Yes. 1125 00:54:43,160 --> 00:54:45,530 How do you like that ass? 1126 00:54:45,530 --> 00:54:47,160 You like it? Mm. 1127 00:54:47,160 --> 00:54:49,660 Yeah. 1128 00:54:49,660 --> 00:54:51,780 [FARTING SOUNDS] 1129 00:54:51,780 --> 00:54:52,950 Ah. 1130 00:54:52,950 --> 00:54:54,990 Now I'm a Hollywood brown nosing filmmaker. 1131 00:54:56,450 --> 00:54:58,840 [MOANING] 1132 00:55:00,270 --> 00:55:03,000 You know, this is probably a very good time 1133 00:55:03,000 --> 00:55:05,680 To talk about the musical score because your movies 1134 00:55:05,680 --> 00:55:06,960 Are going to need music. 1135 00:55:06,960 --> 00:55:09,180 You know, films and music are very, very related. 1136 00:55:09,180 --> 00:55:10,390 The symphony has rhythm. 1137 00:55:10,390 --> 00:55:11,920 A movie... editing has rhythm. 1138 00:55:11,920 --> 00:55:15,590 I think I've picked up some very, very appropriate music. 1139 00:55:15,590 --> 00:55:17,000 [MUSIC PLAYING - "SEXY CHICKEN SONG"] 1140 00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:17,700 Ugh. 1141 00:55:22,100 --> 00:55:23,690 Uh, how about this? 1142 00:55:23,690 --> 00:55:27,170 [SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING] 1143 00:55:30,660 --> 00:55:33,650 [MOANING] 1144 00:55:55,060 --> 00:55:58,050 [SCREAMING] 1145 00:56:06,020 --> 00:56:08,170 [GUNSHOTS] 1146 00:56:08,170 --> 00:56:12,810 Now most films would probably end the scene rights here, 1147 00:56:12,810 --> 00:56:14,370 But this is a Troma movie. 1148 00:56:14,370 --> 00:56:16,650 And we don't know the meaning of overkill. 1149 00:56:16,650 --> 00:56:18,080 Yeah, I'm being serious. 1150 00:56:18,080 --> 00:56:19,220 We've never looked it up. 1151 00:56:19,220 --> 00:56:23,330 We don't even have a dictionary, but I digress. 1152 00:56:23,330 --> 00:56:25,950 I don't even know what digress means. 1153 00:56:25,950 --> 00:56:28,750 You know, to make this a real Troma movie, 1154 00:56:28,750 --> 00:56:31,130 We've got to come up with a certain twist, 1155 00:56:31,130 --> 00:56:32,200 Something unexpected. 1156 00:56:32,200 --> 00:56:35,530 A twist if you know what I... 1157 00:56:35,530 --> 00:56:36,960 No, no. 1158 00:56:36,960 --> 00:56:39,810 Not that kind of a twist, you wisenheimers. 1159 00:56:39,810 --> 00:56:42,120 I meant the filmmakers have to put 1160 00:56:42,120 --> 00:56:44,220 An unusual twist in the film. 1161 00:56:44,220 --> 00:56:46,720 Something the audience is not expecting. 1162 00:56:46,720 --> 00:56:48,850 A twist, uh... 1163 00:56:48,850 --> 00:56:51,220 The lesbians are vampires. 1164 00:56:54,090 --> 00:56:55,050 Nah. 1165 00:56:55,050 --> 00:56:56,220 No, no. 1166 00:56:56,220 --> 00:56:58,000 Vampires are much too trite. 1167 00:56:58,000 --> 00:57:00,540 This movie's going to have yet another twist. 1168 00:57:00,540 --> 00:57:02,390 We're going to have something that you, the audience, 1169 00:57:02,390 --> 00:57:05,050 Is never going to forget as long as ya live. 1170 00:57:05,050 --> 00:57:06,400 Action, winky! 1171 00:57:06,400 --> 00:57:08,600 [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] 1172 00:57:10,740 --> 00:57:14,210 [GRUNTING] 1173 00:57:19,170 --> 00:57:21,180 Get over here, bitch! 1174 00:57:21,180 --> 00:57:24,280 Get over here. 1175 00:57:24,280 --> 00:57:26,730 [SCREAMING] 1176 00:57:30,640 --> 00:57:33,580 [MOANING] 1177 00:57:38,950 --> 00:57:42,380 [SCREAMING] 1178 00:57:44,330 --> 00:57:47,170 And that little, Brian McGrath, is how 1179 00:57:47,170 --> 00:57:49,610 You make your own damn movie. 1180 00:57:53,110 --> 00:57:56,070 [APPLAUSE] 1181 00:58:02,910 --> 00:58:03,880 [MUSIC PLAYING] 1182 00:58:03,880 --> 00:58:07,600 And you know what would put this film over the top? 1183 00:58:07,600 --> 00:58:12,870 A topless 500 pound candygram! 1184 00:58:12,870 --> 00:58:14,060 Candygram for Crap Keeper! 1185 00:58:14,060 --> 00:58:16,250 Candygram for Crap Keeper! 1186 00:58:16,250 --> 00:58:18,520 Everyone, let's get freaky. 1187 00:58:47,330 --> 00:58:50,340 And fade out. 1188 00:59:15,670 --> 00:59:18,650 [SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING] 1189 00:59:32,530 --> 00:59:37,980 I... Yeah, take it off of me. Huh? 1190 00:59:42,440 --> 00:59:43,420 Huh? 1191 00:59:43,420 --> 00:59:46,340 [SCREAMING] 1192 01:00:29,190 --> 01:00:32,160 [MUSIC - THE F UPS, "LOOK AT YOUR SON NOW"] 1193 01:00:46,050 --> 01:00:47,680 Heh heh heh heh, yeah. 1194 01:00:47,680 --> 01:00:48,660 Baby. 1195 01:00:48,660 --> 01:00:49,460 What're you looking at? 1196 01:00:53,910 --> 01:00:56,110 Oh! [LAUGHING] 1197 01:00:56,110 --> 01:00:58,730 - That chick's butt. - Ew! 1198 01:01:01,840 --> 01:01:02,670 I'm out of here, fellas. 1199 01:01:02,670 --> 01:01:04,570 I'm expecting some shit in the mail. 1200 01:01:04,570 --> 01:01:05,690 What? 1201 01:01:05,690 --> 01:01:07,820 Money for school. 1202 01:01:07,820 --> 01:01:09,600 That means we're celebrating tonight, right 1203 01:01:09,600 --> 01:01:10,770 I guess we should, huh? 1204 01:01:10,770 --> 01:01:11,470 All right. 1205 01:01:11,470 --> 01:01:12,200 I'm out of here, guys. 1206 01:01:12,200 --> 01:01:13,100 Back here in an hour? 1207 01:01:13,100 --> 01:01:13,800 Yep, an hour. 1208 01:01:22,560 --> 01:01:24,600 And so Timmy returned home, expecting 1209 01:01:24,600 --> 01:01:25,790 A letter from his dad. 1210 01:01:30,420 --> 01:01:31,620 TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER): Dear Timmy, 1211 01:01:31,620 --> 01:01:34,200 Had an accident at the factory the other day. 1212 01:01:34,200 --> 01:01:35,600 My arms were ripped off. 1213 01:01:35,600 --> 01:01:38,430 Since we have no health care, I guess I can't pay 1214 01:01:38,430 --> 01:01:40,050 For your college tuition, boy. 1215 01:01:40,050 --> 01:01:40,780 But cheer up. 1216 01:01:40,780 --> 01:01:42,920 Looks like all those letters you received 1217 01:01:42,920 --> 01:01:46,420 From various scholarship programs you applied to... well, 1218 01:01:46,420 --> 01:01:48,150 I'm sure they'll pay for college. 1219 01:01:48,150 --> 01:01:50,340 So you and that fat kid... You have a great time. 1220 01:01:50,340 --> 01:01:51,040 Oh, yeah. 1221 01:01:51,040 --> 01:01:54,210 And also, that... the skinny guy, uh... the other guy. 1222 01:01:54,210 --> 01:01:55,190 Have fun with him, too. 1223 01:01:55,190 --> 01:01:57,070 Who the fuck casted those idiots anyway? 1224 01:01:57,070 --> 01:01:59,600 That fucking shit ass casting director. 1225 01:01:59,600 --> 01:02:00,430 I'm going to kill him. 1226 01:02:00,430 --> 01:02:01,680 Love, Dad. 1227 01:02:01,680 --> 01:02:04,390 I'm off to the gay bar now. 1228 01:02:04,390 --> 01:02:05,620 COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 1 (VOICEOVER): 1229 01:02:05,620 --> 01:02:07,100 We regret to inform you that you are 1230 01:02:07,100 --> 01:02:10,590 Not qualified for financial aid due to the fact that you're 1231 01:02:10,590 --> 01:02:11,470 White. 1232 01:02:11,470 --> 01:02:12,170 Shit. 1233 01:02:15,560 --> 01:02:16,790 COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 2 (VOICEOVER): 1234 01:02:16,790 --> 01:02:20,770 You have qualified for a full financial scholarship. 1235 01:02:20,770 --> 01:02:23,500 That's what I would have said if you were an aborted fetus. 1236 01:02:26,460 --> 01:02:27,690 COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 3 (VOICEOVER): 1237 01:02:27,690 --> 01:02:31,790 You're not special enough. Fuck! 1238 01:02:33,990 --> 01:02:35,520 COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 4 (VOICEOVER): Declined 1239 01:02:35,520 --> 01:02:36,590 For drinking too much beer. 1240 01:02:36,590 --> 01:02:38,290 COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 5 (VOICEOVER): Not eligible. 1241 01:02:38,290 --> 01:02:39,340 COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 6 (VOICEOVER): Rejected. 1242 01:02:39,340 --> 01:02:39,830 Missed deadline. 1243 01:02:39,830 --> 01:02:40,980 COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 7 (VOICEOVER): Not black enough. 1244 01:02:40,980 --> 01:02:41,870 COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 6 (VOICEOVER): Homosexual. 1245 01:02:41,870 --> 01:02:42,150 COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 7 (VOICEOVER): Too gay. 1246 01:02:42,150 --> 01:02:43,170 COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 8 (VOICEOVER): You loser. 1247 01:02:43,170 --> 01:02:44,450 You stink. 1248 01:02:44,450 --> 01:02:45,170 COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 9 (VOICEOVER): Sorry, soldier. 1249 01:02:45,170 --> 01:02:46,560 COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 7 (VOICEOVER): Go back to Jersey. 1250 01:02:46,560 --> 01:02:48,290 COLLEGE ADMISSIONS GUY 6 (VOICEOVER): Not qualified. 1251 01:02:48,290 --> 01:02:50,520 [PHONE RINGS] 1252 01:02:50,520 --> 01:02:51,880 Tim can't come to the phone right now... 1253 01:02:51,880 --> 01:02:52,450 TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER): Hey, Tiger. 1254 01:02:52,450 --> 01:02:53,530 It's your Dad. 1255 01:02:53,530 --> 01:02:56,080 They found my arm in a field in Texas 1256 01:02:56,080 --> 01:02:57,840 And I'll be using what little savings 1257 01:02:57,840 --> 01:02:59,640 We had to get it stitched on. 1258 01:02:59,640 --> 01:03:01,350 So I certainly can't pay for your tuition. 1259 01:03:01,350 --> 01:03:02,050 Cheer up. 1260 01:03:02,050 --> 01:03:04,200 There's still 30 minutes left of this movie. 1261 01:03:04,200 --> 01:03:07,380 Maybe that fat kid... he'll come up with some plot to raise 1262 01:03:07,380 --> 01:03:08,750 The money for your tuition. Fuck! 1263 01:03:08,750 --> 01:03:09,560 Fuck! TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER): Damn. 1264 01:03:09,560 --> 01:03:11,090 Calm the fuck down, you homo. 1265 01:03:11,090 --> 01:03:12,140 Hey, what are you doing? 1266 01:03:12,140 --> 01:03:14,030 That table's an antique. 1267 01:03:14,030 --> 01:03:15,160 Fuck college. 1268 01:03:15,160 --> 01:03:16,400 Who cares if all your friends will 1269 01:03:16,400 --> 01:03:18,140 Be more successful than you? 1270 01:03:18,140 --> 01:03:20,380 In fact, you don't care if you never have sex in your life, 1271 01:03:20,380 --> 01:03:21,080 Do you? 1272 01:03:21,080 --> 01:03:23,670 Any rate, I'll call you the next time there's a hole 1273 01:03:23,670 --> 01:03:25,640 In the plot of this movie. 1274 01:03:25,640 --> 01:03:26,610 [PHONE RINGS] 1275 01:03:26,610 --> 01:03:27,450 [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS] 1276 01:03:27,450 --> 01:03:28,430 Hey, Timbo. 1277 01:03:28,430 --> 01:03:29,690 It's Dad again. 1278 01:03:29,690 --> 01:03:30,870 I forgot to tell you. 1279 01:03:30,870 --> 01:03:33,740 Don't drink the Jack Daniels. I pee in it. 1280 01:03:33,740 --> 01:03:34,940 [BURPING] 1281 01:03:34,940 --> 01:03:35,690 Heh. 1282 01:03:35,690 --> 01:03:37,240 Just kidding, kid. 1283 01:03:37,240 --> 01:03:37,940 I peed in the beer. 1284 01:03:55,200 --> 01:03:57,460 Have you been bad? 1285 01:03:57,460 --> 01:03:59,520 I've been very bad. 1286 01:03:59,520 --> 01:04:01,050 Private shows, $50. 1287 01:04:06,950 --> 01:04:08,790 I got $50. 1288 01:04:08,790 --> 01:04:12,450 And so Little Timmy ordered a stripper. 1289 01:04:12,450 --> 01:04:14,420 Fucking loser. 1290 01:04:14,420 --> 01:04:16,740 Oh, everyone's going to school, except you! 1291 01:04:16,740 --> 01:04:18,710 [LAUGHING] 1292 01:04:18,710 --> 01:04:20,190 But me. 1293 01:04:20,190 --> 01:04:21,580 You have a stripper coming. 1294 01:04:21,580 --> 01:04:23,170 Heh heh heh. [KNOCKING AT DOOR] 1295 01:04:23,170 --> 01:04:25,630 Oh, my god. 1296 01:04:25,630 --> 01:04:28,450 All right. 1297 01:04:28,450 --> 01:04:29,880 Who is it? Candygram! 1298 01:04:33,310 --> 01:04:34,850 What have I done? 1299 01:04:34,850 --> 01:04:37,060 D'oh, you ordered a stripper, you moron! 1300 01:04:41,730 --> 01:04:42,650 Hi. 1301 01:04:42,650 --> 01:04:47,310 I'm Demanda and this is a Guardo. 1302 01:04:47,310 --> 01:04:49,200 Guardo, why don't you wait in the car? 1303 01:04:49,200 --> 01:04:51,200 I'll handle this boy all by myself. 1304 01:04:53,990 --> 01:04:57,500 Don't forget to get the cookies and milk first. 1305 01:04:57,500 --> 01:04:58,860 Mhm. 1306 01:04:58,860 --> 01:05:01,420 Look at you. 1307 01:05:01,420 --> 01:05:03,890 I could eat you alive. 1308 01:05:03,890 --> 01:05:05,390 SAM (VOICEOVER): She reminded me of that girl 1309 01:05:05,390 --> 01:05:06,720 From the last movie. 1310 01:05:06,720 --> 01:05:08,710 Only this one was trouble. 1311 01:05:08,710 --> 01:05:12,960 Trouble with a capital V. A V for vampire. 1312 01:05:12,960 --> 01:05:13,740 Oh, wait. 1313 01:05:13,740 --> 01:05:16,240 Did I just give away a crucial plot point? 1314 01:05:16,240 --> 01:05:18,690 Uh, never mind. 1315 01:05:18,690 --> 01:05:22,760 Fresh meat. 1316 01:05:22,760 --> 01:05:23,550 Ah! 1317 01:05:23,550 --> 01:05:25,510 So what's your pleasure? 1318 01:05:25,510 --> 01:05:27,720 Some rough stuff? 1319 01:05:27,720 --> 01:05:31,490 Some S and M? 1320 01:05:31,490 --> 01:05:34,320 [MOANING] 1321 01:05:34,320 --> 01:05:35,570 Finger in your ass? 1322 01:05:35,570 --> 01:05:36,710 [FARTING SOUNDS] 1323 01:05:36,710 --> 01:05:39,760 Or some anal beads? 1324 01:05:39,760 --> 01:05:40,460 [FARTING SOUNDS] 1325 01:05:40,460 --> 01:05:41,160 Execution. 1326 01:05:41,160 --> 01:05:42,870 [PHONE RINGS] 1327 01:05:42,870 --> 01:05:45,260 How dare you talk back, you piece of shit! 1328 01:05:45,260 --> 01:05:46,870 TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER): Timbo, it's Dad again. 1329 01:05:46,870 --> 01:05:49,000 I want to remind you to tape the hockey game. 1330 01:05:49,000 --> 01:05:50,440 How do you like these? 1331 01:05:50,440 --> 01:05:51,400 [BOINGING SOUND] 1332 01:05:53,020 --> 01:05:54,350 TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER): And... and maybe 1333 01:05:54,350 --> 01:05:57,410 You can wear a pair of pants that'll cover your stinkhole. 1334 01:05:57,410 --> 01:05:59,500 You never know when some crazy stripper's 1335 01:05:59,500 --> 01:06:02,370 Going to come along and shove a whip up your ass, right? 1336 01:06:02,370 --> 01:06:03,750 How do you think I met your mother? 1337 01:06:03,750 --> 01:06:05,870 Oh, god. Stop. 1338 01:06:05,870 --> 01:06:07,890 Stop! 1339 01:06:07,890 --> 01:06:11,770 Ooh, you've been a bad, bad boy! 1340 01:06:11,770 --> 01:06:12,950 Stop! That hurts! 1341 01:06:12,950 --> 01:06:17,420 You didn't study, piece of shit! 1342 01:06:17,420 --> 01:06:18,470 I'm going to be sick, lady. 1343 01:06:18,470 --> 01:06:19,430 Stop. 1344 01:06:19,430 --> 01:06:21,350 [MOANING] 1345 01:06:21,350 --> 01:06:22,310 Hey! 1346 01:06:22,310 --> 01:06:24,820 I wasn't done yet. 1347 01:06:24,820 --> 01:06:25,700 I'm sorry. 1348 01:06:25,700 --> 01:06:27,130 Money's at the table. Hey! 1349 01:06:27,130 --> 01:06:28,880 Hey, come back! 1350 01:06:28,880 --> 01:06:31,820 [VOMITING] 1351 01:06:33,560 --> 01:06:36,560 What the fuck? 1352 01:06:36,560 --> 01:06:38,830 Piece of shit's lunch money. Goddammit! 1353 01:06:42,180 --> 01:06:43,590 Hey, what the fuck? 1354 01:06:43,590 --> 01:06:46,400 [VOMITING] 1355 01:06:46,400 --> 01:06:49,340 If you don't come out, I'm gonna leave. 1356 01:06:49,340 --> 01:06:50,730 I'm sorry. 1357 01:06:50,730 --> 01:06:53,600 You can go ahead and leave. 1358 01:06:53,600 --> 01:06:56,120 The money's on... on the table. 1359 01:06:56,120 --> 01:06:56,980 Yeah. 1360 01:06:56,980 --> 01:06:58,460 What is this... a tip? 1361 01:06:58,460 --> 01:07:00,350 [VOMITING] 1362 01:07:00,350 --> 01:07:02,720 I'll be back, you fucking bookworm. 1363 01:07:02,720 --> 01:07:04,830 [VOMITING] 1364 01:07:05,660 --> 01:07:06,710 I feel like Karen Carpenter. 1365 01:07:12,860 --> 01:07:13,890 Hey, here's 50 for starters. 1366 01:07:13,890 --> 01:07:16,140 I'll get the rest. 1367 01:07:16,140 --> 01:07:18,040 You stupid bitch. 1368 01:07:18,040 --> 01:07:19,560 What did I tell you? 1369 01:07:19,560 --> 01:07:21,820 Get the cookies first. 1370 01:07:21,820 --> 01:07:23,910 I said I'd get it. 1371 01:07:23,910 --> 01:07:25,810 Do you think hair grows on trees? 1372 01:07:25,810 --> 01:07:27,620 Get the fucking cookies. 1373 01:07:27,620 --> 01:07:29,080 Don't go fucking rank on me, Guardo. 1374 01:07:29,080 --> 01:07:30,570 I'll kick your ass. 1375 01:07:30,570 --> 01:07:32,420 No cookies, no ride. 1376 01:07:32,420 --> 01:07:34,600 Fuck you in your ass. 1377 01:07:34,600 --> 01:07:36,560 [MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO - "CANNIBAL LESBIAN HOEDOWN"] 1378 01:07:36,560 --> 01:07:38,510 Fuck you. 1379 01:07:38,510 --> 01:07:39,980 Fuck you. 1380 01:07:39,980 --> 01:07:41,690 [VOMITING] 1381 01:07:41,690 --> 01:07:42,560 C'mon out of there, buddy. 1382 01:07:42,560 --> 01:07:44,420 We need to talk. 1383 01:07:44,420 --> 01:07:46,560 Money, my ass! 1384 01:07:46,560 --> 01:07:48,570 Ah! 1385 01:07:48,570 --> 01:07:50,050 [PHONE RINGS] 1386 01:07:50,050 --> 01:07:50,880 [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS] 1387 01:07:50,880 --> 01:07:51,910 TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER): Hey, Timbo. 1388 01:07:51,910 --> 01:07:52,660 It's Dad. 1389 01:07:52,660 --> 01:07:54,770 This scene is really boring. 1390 01:07:54,770 --> 01:07:56,810 Let's put some boner vision on the screen. 1391 01:07:56,810 --> 01:07:59,030 Easy, bitch. I'm hammered. 1392 01:07:59,030 --> 01:08:01,030 You need to come up with $250. 1393 01:08:01,030 --> 01:08:02,410 250 bucks? 1394 01:08:02,410 --> 01:08:05,010 In cab fare. 1395 01:08:05,010 --> 01:08:07,890 Where did you come up with that number? 1396 01:08:07,890 --> 01:08:09,290 The ad says $50. 1397 01:08:12,800 --> 01:08:15,180 $50 carpet cleaning. 1398 01:08:15,180 --> 01:08:17,770 $250 private shows. 1399 01:08:17,770 --> 01:08:18,740 Oh, my god, lady. 1400 01:08:18,740 --> 01:08:19,780 I'm so sorry. 1401 01:08:19,780 --> 01:08:22,090 You're not sorry until I'm done with you! 1402 01:08:22,090 --> 01:08:23,150 You'll never... 1403 01:08:23,150 --> 01:08:25,490 [MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO - "CANNIBAL LESBIAN HOEDOWN"] 1404 01:08:28,770 --> 01:08:30,100 I... I'll think of something. 1405 01:08:30,100 --> 01:08:32,050 I promise. 1406 01:08:32,050 --> 01:08:34,480 Oh, what the... 1407 01:08:34,480 --> 01:08:37,230 [LAUGHING] 1408 01:08:37,230 --> 01:08:38,900 Don't, guys. 1409 01:08:38,900 --> 01:08:39,800 Don't leave! 1410 01:08:39,800 --> 01:08:41,270 Don't leave. 1411 01:08:41,270 --> 01:08:42,280 What's going on here? 1412 01:08:42,280 --> 01:08:44,300 You boys need to come up with some cash 1413 01:08:44,300 --> 01:08:45,730 Or your buddy here is dust. 1414 01:08:45,730 --> 01:08:47,890 250 bucks plus cab fare. 1415 01:08:47,890 --> 01:08:49,350 What does he owe you for? 1416 01:08:49,350 --> 01:08:50,830 I dance and do role playing scenarios. 1417 01:08:50,830 --> 01:08:52,840 Get it? Nice. 1418 01:08:52,840 --> 01:08:55,170 You mean, you come in here and kick the shit out of him. 1419 01:08:55,170 --> 01:08:56,780 Oh, well I'm not usually as rough, 1420 01:08:56,780 --> 01:08:59,480 But I've just been ripped off! 1421 01:08:59,480 --> 01:09:01,530 What... what? 1422 01:09:01,530 --> 01:09:04,250 All his funding fell through. 1423 01:09:04,250 --> 01:09:06,220 You're fucking kidding me. 1424 01:09:06,220 --> 01:09:09,060 No, not kidding. 1425 01:09:09,060 --> 01:09:11,160 This means you can't come to college with us next year, Tim. 1426 01:09:11,160 --> 01:09:14,020 I know. 1427 01:09:14,020 --> 01:09:16,270 This fucks up the whole plan. 1428 01:09:16,270 --> 01:09:18,260 I need a ride home right fuckin' now. 1429 01:09:18,260 --> 01:09:19,570 What are you guys talking about? 1430 01:09:19,570 --> 01:09:20,290 And my money! 1431 01:09:20,290 --> 01:09:21,110 You understand? 1432 01:09:21,110 --> 01:09:21,840 Yes, yes I do. 1433 01:09:21,840 --> 01:09:24,410 Why don't you come with us? 1434 01:09:24,410 --> 01:09:25,890 Get out of my way and get me home! 1435 01:09:25,890 --> 01:09:26,790 Yes... yes, ma'am. 1436 01:09:29,480 --> 01:09:31,350 Hey, maybe there's time you can finish your performance 1437 01:09:31,350 --> 01:09:32,750 For me and Bill. Yeah! 1438 01:09:32,750 --> 01:09:33,510 I fucking think not. 1439 01:09:37,810 --> 01:09:40,680 [MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO - "CANNIBAL LESBIAN HOEDOWN"] 1440 01:09:49,140 --> 01:09:51,790 We gotta figure something out. 1441 01:09:51,790 --> 01:09:53,460 Can't just let him stay here. 1442 01:09:53,460 --> 01:09:54,860 We'll figure something out. 1443 01:09:54,860 --> 01:09:56,740 [FARTING SOUNDS] 1444 01:09:56,740 --> 01:09:59,980 So much do you make on a good night? 1445 01:09:59,980 --> 01:10:01,510 I dunno, a grand or so. 1446 01:10:01,510 --> 01:10:03,500 [FARTING SOUNDS] Whoa. 1447 01:10:03,500 --> 01:10:05,000 They fucking what? 1448 01:10:05,000 --> 01:10:08,210 Guess how much she makes on a night of doing this shit. 1449 01:10:08,210 --> 01:10:09,000 I dunno. 1450 01:10:09,000 --> 01:10:10,340 500, 600? 1451 01:10:10,340 --> 01:10:13,080 Try over a grand. 1452 01:10:13,080 --> 01:10:15,550 [FARTING SOUNDS] 1453 01:10:15,550 --> 01:10:18,420 You thinking what I'm thinking? NARRATOR: Heh heh. 1454 01:10:18,420 --> 01:10:20,760 Yes, the boys were thinking the same thing. 1455 01:10:20,760 --> 01:10:22,620 With the exception of 10 pounds of mozzarella 1456 01:10:22,620 --> 01:10:24,740 And 30 naked schoolboys. 1457 01:10:24,740 --> 01:10:27,920 Yep, the guys deduced that the only way to get Tim to college 1458 01:10:27,920 --> 01:10:30,240 Was to form an elite society of gay ninjas 1459 01:10:30,240 --> 01:10:31,840 That would overthrow the government. 1460 01:10:31,840 --> 01:10:33,190 Heh heh heh. 1461 01:10:33,190 --> 01:10:35,780 But we couldn't find any ninjas in the Topeka area 1462 01:10:35,780 --> 01:10:38,360 So the guys decided to throw a fundraising party where Julie 1463 01:10:38,360 --> 01:10:40,350 And friends would strip and the proceeds would 1464 01:10:40,350 --> 01:10:41,910 Pay for Tim's college tuition. 1465 01:10:41,910 --> 01:10:43,640 Selling tickets for an all night stripper bash 1466 01:10:43,640 --> 01:10:45,870 At Tim's house tomorrow night. NARRATOR: Heh heh. 1467 01:10:45,870 --> 01:10:47,700 That's what I just said. 1468 01:10:47,700 --> 01:10:48,950 Would you do it for two? 1469 01:10:48,950 --> 01:10:50,230 2,000 and you got a deal. 1470 01:10:50,230 --> 01:10:51,840 [TEARS CHECK] 1471 01:10:51,840 --> 01:10:52,540 Here you go. 1472 01:10:56,400 --> 01:10:58,380 NARRATOR: And there goes Julie's strange vagina, 1473 01:10:58,380 --> 01:11:00,650 Paid for by the good people of the Bush re-election committee. 1474 01:11:00,650 --> 01:11:03,730 You'll never find me, American swine. 1475 01:11:03,730 --> 01:11:05,670 NARRATOR: Back at the vampire mansion... Poontang, 1476 01:11:05,670 --> 01:11:08,450 The studio's Vietnamese vampire art student was performing 1477 01:11:08,450 --> 01:11:10,720 Her interpretive dance on the fall of Saigon 1478 01:11:10,720 --> 01:11:12,390 And how napalm causes vampirism. 1479 01:11:20,260 --> 01:11:22,740 Did you bring the marshmallows? 1480 01:11:31,780 --> 01:11:33,290 Well, hello, Demanda. 1481 01:11:33,290 --> 01:11:35,160 Welcome home. 1482 01:11:35,160 --> 01:11:38,660 Where the hell is Guardo? 1483 01:11:38,660 --> 01:11:39,630 He's out back. 1484 01:11:43,510 --> 01:11:44,300 [WHIPPING] [SCREAMING] 1485 01:11:44,300 --> 01:11:46,000 Ow! Watch the hair, bitch. 1486 01:11:46,000 --> 01:11:47,840 You don't even know what bitch means! 1487 01:11:47,840 --> 01:11:48,950 Ow! 1488 01:11:48,950 --> 01:11:51,580 Ooh, what's in here? 1489 01:11:51,580 --> 01:11:53,520 Sucker mother fucker! 1490 01:11:53,520 --> 01:11:58,390 How dare you fucking leave me at a place like that? 1491 01:11:58,390 --> 01:12:01,740 Did Demanda forget the cookies again? 1492 01:12:01,740 --> 01:12:04,800 Yep, and she headed straight for Guardo's room. 1493 01:12:04,800 --> 01:12:06,170 I'm going to make mince meat out of you. 1494 01:12:06,170 --> 01:12:07,310 That's what I'm gonna do. 1495 01:12:07,310 --> 01:12:09,250 You're gonna be sorry that you ever laid eyes on a woman 1496 01:12:09,250 --> 01:12:09,950 Like me. 1497 01:12:09,950 --> 01:12:11,740 You little bald head piece of shit, 1498 01:12:11,740 --> 01:12:17,130 Goatee wearing mother fuckin' tattoo piece of ass fucker. 1499 01:12:17,130 --> 01:12:19,420 You pissed me off. 1500 01:12:19,420 --> 01:12:20,170 I'm sorry. 1501 01:12:20,170 --> 01:12:21,670 I fucked up, OK? 1502 01:12:21,670 --> 01:12:23,680 Jesus. 1503 01:12:23,680 --> 01:12:25,920 - He's so fucked! - I know. 1504 01:12:25,920 --> 01:12:28,360 What's eating her anyway? 1505 01:12:28,360 --> 01:12:30,000 Should I cut your dick off or should 1506 01:12:30,000 --> 01:12:32,170 I just aim for your guts? 1507 01:12:32,170 --> 01:12:33,130 Hm? 1508 01:12:33,130 --> 01:12:36,970 Ah, my shirt! Whoa. 1509 01:12:36,970 --> 01:12:38,450 Stupid piece of shit. 1510 01:12:43,600 --> 01:12:45,880 Did you just do what I think you did? 1511 01:12:45,880 --> 01:12:46,900 I hope so. 1512 01:12:46,900 --> 01:12:48,250 He was creep. 1513 01:12:48,250 --> 01:12:50,690 Stupid piece of shit. 1514 01:12:50,690 --> 01:12:53,040 Let's get these clothes off you. 1515 01:12:53,040 --> 01:12:53,740 [FARTING SOUNDS] 1516 01:12:53,740 --> 01:12:55,330 Oh, that's so sexy. 1517 01:12:55,330 --> 01:12:56,850 It turns me on. 1518 01:12:56,850 --> 01:12:59,410 OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER): Hello, my name is Oliver Stone. 1519 01:12:59,410 --> 01:13:00,350 I am a filmmaker. 1520 01:13:00,350 --> 01:13:04,810 Some people say I directed this scene here 1521 01:13:04,810 --> 01:13:08,980 And Tuition of the Terror Twat. 1522 01:13:08,980 --> 01:13:15,520 And the feeling I was going for was to really evoke the emotion 1523 01:13:15,520 --> 01:13:19,380 Of what it means to be a vampire in today's 1524 01:13:19,380 --> 01:13:21,510 Modern oppressive society. 1525 01:13:21,510 --> 01:13:25,300 What I did was... I decided to light it 1526 01:13:25,300 --> 01:13:30,850 In this horrible green light and make it completely unwhackable, 1527 01:13:30,850 --> 01:13:32,270 Which is sort of what I was going 1528 01:13:32,270 --> 01:13:35,950 For to... to show the sickness of being a lesbian 1529 01:13:35,950 --> 01:13:37,220 And being a vampire. 1530 01:13:37,220 --> 01:13:40,580 And I think the emotion I got was 1531 01:13:40,580 --> 01:13:50,050 Repulsion, sensuality, motion sickness, and... and assholes. 1532 01:13:50,050 --> 01:13:52,810 Uh, it was important to get the shot of the woman's ass 1533 01:13:52,810 --> 01:13:58,180 To show that we really are, uh... at the end, so to speak, 1534 01:13:58,180 --> 01:13:59,830 Of existence. 1535 01:13:59,830 --> 01:14:02,350 And the asshole sort of... is sort 1536 01:14:02,350 --> 01:14:06,450 Of a symbol of... sort of the apex of where we're all headed. 1537 01:14:06,450 --> 01:14:09,340 Into this small, black hole and we 1538 01:14:09,340 --> 01:14:11,360 Don't know what's going to come out of it 1539 01:14:11,360 --> 01:14:13,120 Or what's coming into it. 1540 01:14:13,120 --> 01:14:17,150 As the, uh, poet laureate, um... uh, Dan Schnurman, said, 1541 01:14:17,150 --> 01:14:21,000 Um... in his famous poem. 1542 01:14:21,000 --> 01:14:22,960 Shitty, shitty lighting. 1543 01:14:22,960 --> 01:14:24,660 Shitty lighting. 1544 01:14:24,660 --> 01:14:27,850 Oh, how it ruins a shitty movie. 1545 01:14:27,850 --> 01:14:29,400 I think it... it... oh, OK. 1546 01:14:29,400 --> 01:14:33,030 We're rounding up and we realized that the, um... 1547 01:14:33,030 --> 01:14:36,740 The vampires clothed Julie Strain and I... 1548 01:14:36,740 --> 01:14:39,160 And it was very interesting to work with them. 1549 01:14:39,160 --> 01:14:40,950 We didn't need him anyway. 1550 01:14:40,950 --> 01:14:43,110 We didn't? 1551 01:14:43,110 --> 01:14:44,090 Hell no. 1552 01:14:44,090 --> 01:14:48,000 Tomorrow night we work and we feast. 1553 01:14:48,000 --> 01:14:49,790 Really? 1554 01:14:49,790 --> 01:14:54,080 We'll tease and we'll taste. 1555 01:14:54,080 --> 01:14:56,100 I'm hungry. 1556 01:14:56,100 --> 01:14:58,490 Soon your teeth will be biting into 1557 01:14:58,490 --> 01:15:03,510 Their thick, buttery flesh. 1558 01:15:03,510 --> 01:15:05,690 Me so hungry. 1559 01:15:05,690 --> 01:15:08,510 Why don't you girls go and get a little appetizer? 1560 01:15:08,510 --> 01:15:09,500 [FARTING SOUNDS] 1561 01:15:09,500 --> 01:15:11,990 Pu pu platter? 1562 01:15:11,990 --> 01:15:14,640 There's enough of Guardo to go around. 1563 01:15:14,640 --> 01:15:16,480 [BURPING] 1564 01:15:16,480 --> 01:15:20,020 I saved the big pieces for you two to fight over. 1565 01:15:20,020 --> 01:15:22,730 Yeah! 1566 01:15:22,730 --> 01:15:25,890 But don't forget to eat the bones. 1567 01:15:25,890 --> 01:15:29,390 I don't feel like digging any holes tonight. 1568 01:15:29,390 --> 01:15:31,300 Except my own. 1569 01:15:31,300 --> 01:15:32,850 [GRUNTING] Fucker. 1570 01:15:39,800 --> 01:15:40,970 Where's the duck sauce? 1571 01:15:43,900 --> 01:15:44,980 [INAUDIBLE] 1572 01:15:44,980 --> 01:15:46,780 BORIS KAMINSKI (VOICEOVER): My name is Boris Kaminski. 1573 01:15:46,780 --> 01:15:48,540 I director of photography. 1574 01:15:48,540 --> 01:15:51,740 Idea for the scene here... Make look very ugly. 1575 01:15:51,740 --> 01:15:54,450 We would shoot bad framing, bad light. 1576 01:15:54,450 --> 01:15:58,350 Focus on wrong character and shoot against open window. 1577 01:15:58,350 --> 01:16:00,930 The idea was to make it look very amateur. 1578 01:16:00,930 --> 01:16:03,440 It have to look shitty. 1579 01:16:03,440 --> 01:16:06,790 We're throwing a stripper party here tonight. 1580 01:16:06,790 --> 01:16:08,500 What, are you guys on fucking crack? 1581 01:16:08,500 --> 01:16:09,850 It's your scholarship party. 1582 01:16:09,850 --> 01:16:11,910 - Yes! - I told you. 1583 01:16:11,910 --> 01:16:13,030 I didn't get a scholarship. 1584 01:16:13,030 --> 01:16:14,110 Dude, we're raising money. 1585 01:16:14,110 --> 01:16:14,810 No. 1586 01:16:14,810 --> 01:16:15,740 Don't... don't... don't start. 1587 01:16:15,740 --> 01:16:17,650 D-d-d-d-don't worry about it, Tim. 1588 01:16:17,650 --> 01:16:20,180 We won't tell anybody. 1589 01:16:20,180 --> 01:16:21,290 I don't know, guys. 1590 01:16:21,290 --> 01:16:24,090 This doesn't sound like a good idea at all. 1591 01:16:24,090 --> 01:16:25,100 What are you worried about? 1592 01:16:25,100 --> 01:16:27,760 I'm gonna get my ass kicked if my... if my dad finds... 1593 01:16:27,760 --> 01:16:30,210 Your dad's going to kill you when he figures out 1594 01:16:30,210 --> 01:16:31,600 You're not going to college because you 1595 01:16:31,600 --> 01:16:32,620 Missed the fucking deadline. 1596 01:16:32,620 --> 01:16:34,630 If he finds out that I had a party and I'm 1597 01:16:34,630 --> 01:16:35,430 Not getting into school. 1598 01:16:35,430 --> 01:16:38,200 Because we're throwing a stripper party for you, OK? 1599 01:16:38,200 --> 01:16:39,420 And you're getting into college. 1600 01:16:39,420 --> 01:16:40,670 This has nothing to do with college. 1601 01:16:40,670 --> 01:16:42,230 You're getting people here... You just want to see strippers. 1602 01:16:42,230 --> 01:16:43,460 This is for you going to college. 1603 01:16:43,460 --> 01:16:45,240 You're gettin' pussy. You're gettin' laid. 1604 01:16:45,240 --> 01:16:48,540 You're gettin' fucking fucked up every night for four years, 1605 01:16:48,540 --> 01:16:50,440 And then you're gonna get a fucking degree, baby. 1606 01:16:50,440 --> 01:16:51,700 With us! 1607 01:16:51,700 --> 01:16:52,490 This is going to rock! 1608 01:16:52,490 --> 01:16:56,390 So let's Shaq attack! 1609 01:16:56,390 --> 01:16:59,650 Check it. 1610 01:16:59,650 --> 01:17:00,680 Whassup, fellas? 1611 01:17:00,680 --> 01:17:02,080 - Watch out. - What are you doing? 1612 01:17:02,080 --> 01:17:03,970 Whassup? 1613 01:17:03,970 --> 01:17:06,010 Y'all want to see some fine ass bitches tonight? 1614 01:17:06,010 --> 01:17:07,480 Yo, do you know this guy? 1615 01:17:07,480 --> 01:17:09,400 All right, if they start kicking his ass, I'm leaving. 1616 01:17:09,400 --> 01:17:10,370 Don't be leaving me hanging. 1617 01:17:10,370 --> 01:17:12,210 You know what I'm saying? Ahem. 1618 01:17:12,210 --> 01:17:14,280 Ahem. 1619 01:17:14,280 --> 01:17:16,440 Y'all want to come to the party or what? 1620 01:17:16,440 --> 01:17:18,850 Get lost. 1621 01:17:18,850 --> 01:17:20,480 Fellas. 1622 01:17:20,480 --> 01:17:26,150 For 100 bucks... intimate contact with three fine ass bitches. 1623 01:17:26,150 --> 01:17:27,060 Check it. 1624 01:17:27,060 --> 01:17:28,570 - Let me see that. - Check it. 1625 01:17:31,260 --> 01:17:32,060 All right, home boy. 1626 01:17:32,060 --> 01:17:34,400 But I'm not going anywhere with you talking like that. 1627 01:17:34,400 --> 01:17:35,630 [LAUGHING] 1628 01:17:38,530 --> 01:17:40,540 Oh, OK. OK. 1629 01:17:40,540 --> 01:17:41,570 Oh, fuck. 1630 01:17:41,570 --> 01:17:42,280 - You got me. - OK. 1631 01:17:42,280 --> 01:17:43,880 You got me. You got me. 1632 01:17:43,880 --> 01:17:45,540 Thank you. 1633 01:17:45,540 --> 01:17:46,670 And she's going to be there? 1634 01:17:46,670 --> 01:17:48,100 Yes. 1635 01:17:48,100 --> 01:17:49,370 OK. 1636 01:17:49,370 --> 01:17:52,570 Fellas, I'll see you there. 1637 01:17:52,570 --> 01:17:54,070 [LAUGHING] All right. 1638 01:18:04,470 --> 01:18:05,690 What do you think? 1639 01:18:05,690 --> 01:18:06,600 All right, stop. 1640 01:18:06,600 --> 01:18:10,140 Let's go raise some money for Tim. 1641 01:18:10,140 --> 01:18:12,450 And let's make some freaking money. 1642 01:18:12,450 --> 01:18:13,220 Hey, man. 1643 01:18:13,220 --> 01:18:14,030 We're going to have a stripper party. 1644 01:18:14,030 --> 01:18:15,290 You wanna come? Hey, buddy. 1645 01:18:15,290 --> 01:18:16,280 Want to see some strippers? 1646 01:18:16,280 --> 01:18:17,810 Hey, Jews for stripper parties? 1647 01:18:17,810 --> 01:18:19,760 Hey, come to my... oh. 1648 01:18:19,760 --> 01:18:20,550 Strippers! 1649 01:18:20,550 --> 01:18:22,050 Want to help a poor white boy go to college? 1650 01:18:22,050 --> 01:18:24,000 Come to my party tonight. 1651 01:18:24,000 --> 01:18:28,060 You think maybe I'll see your balls at the stripper party? 1652 01:18:28,060 --> 01:18:30,530 Are there going to be comic books there? 1653 01:18:30,530 --> 01:18:32,500 Strippers. 1654 01:18:32,500 --> 01:18:33,630 Oh, you gotta just pay 100 bucks. 1655 01:18:33,630 --> 01:18:34,930 Are you showing your cute little butt? 1656 01:18:34,930 --> 01:18:36,520 Huh? Yeah, yeah. 1657 01:18:36,520 --> 01:18:39,770 I'll strip for you if you're paying. 1658 01:18:39,770 --> 01:18:40,470 Jerry! 1659 01:18:40,470 --> 01:18:41,610 Here's $100. 1660 01:18:41,610 --> 01:18:45,080 I'll see you later, complete stranger. 1661 01:18:45,080 --> 01:18:46,660 $33! 1662 01:18:46,660 --> 01:18:51,140 That'll totally pay for college! Cherine! 1663 01:18:51,140 --> 01:18:53,350 Why did you turn off the editing machine? 1664 01:18:53,350 --> 01:18:54,690 The movie is great. 1665 01:18:54,690 --> 01:18:55,680 What's wrong with you? 1666 01:18:55,680 --> 01:18:56,430 We gotta hurry up. 1667 01:18:56,430 --> 01:18:57,630 Michael Hirsh is going to kill us 1668 01:18:57,630 --> 01:18:59,420 If we don't finish this movie. 1669 01:18:59,420 --> 01:19:03,640 This story doesn't make sense whatsoever. 1670 01:19:03,640 --> 01:19:04,970 What are you talking about? 1671 01:19:04,970 --> 01:19:06,500 The script is perfectly logical. 1672 01:19:06,500 --> 01:19:08,630 Do you think this kid's going to collect that kind of money 1673 01:19:08,630 --> 01:19:11,200 From some stupid, lame ass stripper party? 1674 01:19:11,200 --> 01:19:15,050 Who the hell would pay over $100 for some stupid party 1675 01:19:15,050 --> 01:19:18,340 When they can go out and get a blow job for a mere $20? 1676 01:19:18,340 --> 01:19:21,660 This story is a big pile of shit, OK? 1677 01:19:21,660 --> 01:19:23,780 The conflict of the story is bogus. 1678 01:19:23,780 --> 01:19:26,210 Why couldn't he just go out and get a student loan 1679 01:19:26,210 --> 01:19:27,620 Or go to a community college? 1680 01:19:27,620 --> 01:19:30,320 Or for god's sakes, go and get a job. 1681 01:19:30,320 --> 01:19:33,130 This story is a big pile of shit. 1682 01:19:33,130 --> 01:19:34,520 It's crap. It's shit. 1683 01:19:34,520 --> 01:19:35,730 - You... you want shit? - No, I don't! 1684 01:19:35,730 --> 01:19:36,740 You want shit? 1685 01:19:36,740 --> 01:19:39,030 The Crap Keeper is going to give you shit, Cherine. 1686 01:19:39,030 --> 01:19:40,620 Here we go. No, don't do that. 1687 01:19:40,620 --> 01:19:42,110 [GRUNTING] 1688 01:19:42,110 --> 01:19:44,580 [FARTING SOUNDS] 1689 01:19:47,050 --> 01:19:50,010 [SCREAMING] 1690 01:19:50,010 --> 01:19:51,010 Look at it. 1691 01:19:51,010 --> 01:19:54,040 It's warm and it's wet and it's for you! 1692 01:19:54,040 --> 01:19:55,000 [LAUGHING] 1693 01:19:55,000 --> 01:19:55,960 You're going to die! 1694 01:20:00,280 --> 01:20:02,050 OK, Debbie Rochon. 1695 01:20:02,050 --> 01:20:05,040 Now I think it's your turn to be the new editor! 1696 01:20:08,140 --> 01:20:10,300 Let's go back to editing Tales from the Crapper. 1697 01:20:10,300 --> 01:20:11,140 OK. Yes! 1698 01:20:11,140 --> 01:20:12,580 Yes! Yes! 1699 01:20:12,580 --> 01:20:14,030 Here we go. Here we go. 1700 01:20:14,030 --> 01:20:15,870 I say that we do the long shot over there. 1701 01:20:19,290 --> 01:20:20,740 This is going to be the greatest party. 1702 01:20:20,740 --> 01:20:21,680 Yeah, we'll see. 1703 01:20:21,680 --> 01:20:22,980 This place is going to get trashed. 1704 01:20:22,980 --> 01:20:24,700 I'm going to get in trouble. 1705 01:20:24,700 --> 01:20:25,650 Dude. 1706 01:20:25,650 --> 01:20:26,680 Relax. 1707 01:20:26,680 --> 01:20:28,510 I got Jimmy covering the door tonight. 1708 01:20:28,510 --> 01:20:29,480 What? 1709 01:20:29,480 --> 01:20:30,180 You're kidding. 1710 01:20:30,180 --> 01:20:30,880 Jimmy? 1711 01:20:30,880 --> 01:20:33,010 Yeah. 1712 01:20:33,010 --> 01:20:34,370 Not your brother, Jimmy. 1713 01:20:34,370 --> 01:20:35,900 Why not? 1714 01:20:35,900 --> 01:20:37,350 Dude. 1715 01:20:37,350 --> 01:20:39,690 I know he's your brother and all. 1716 01:20:39,690 --> 01:20:42,410 But that guy's the biggest fucking loser. 1717 01:20:42,410 --> 01:20:43,110 I mean, come on. 1718 01:20:43,110 --> 01:20:45,440 All he does is talk about how much pussy he gets 1719 01:20:45,440 --> 01:20:46,790 And how big his cock is. 1720 01:20:46,790 --> 01:20:48,780 BRUCE FANCY (VOICEOVER): Hello, I'm Bruce Fancy. 1721 01:20:48,780 --> 01:20:52,260 I was the, um, set designer here on this film. 1722 01:20:52,260 --> 01:20:54,430 And this scene, I just wanted to talk about the bucket 1723 01:20:54,430 --> 01:20:55,740 In the middle of the frame. 1724 01:20:55,740 --> 01:20:59,260 I felt that it was important to put a bucket in the movie. 1725 01:20:59,260 --> 01:21:01,200 NARRATOR: Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice. 1726 01:21:01,200 --> 01:21:02,800 This movie cost how much? 1727 01:21:02,800 --> 01:21:04,670 NARRATOR: Meanwhile, at the Hall of Big Breasted Lesbian 1728 01:21:04,670 --> 01:21:07,280 Vampires who are going to kill our heroes... uh, I mean, 1729 01:21:07,280 --> 01:21:09,290 Whose mysterious plans are unknown. 1730 01:21:09,290 --> 01:21:11,780 You girls ready? 1731 01:21:11,780 --> 01:21:13,030 Not really. 1732 01:21:13,030 --> 01:21:16,670 Hey, I was wondering if vampires menstruate? 1733 01:21:16,670 --> 01:21:18,200 Why, yes they do. 1734 01:21:18,200 --> 01:21:23,650 In fact, vampires often drink each other's menstrual blood. 1735 01:21:23,650 --> 01:21:26,070 [ROOSTER CROWS] 1736 01:21:28,770 --> 01:21:31,860 [SCREAMING] 1737 01:21:40,600 --> 01:21:42,850 Piece of shit. 1738 01:21:42,850 --> 01:21:44,520 Fucker. 1739 01:21:44,520 --> 01:21:46,150 You guys are here early. 1740 01:21:48,870 --> 01:21:50,820 [FARTING SOUNDS] 1741 01:21:50,820 --> 01:21:52,030 I smell shit. 1742 01:21:52,030 --> 01:21:53,430 Oh, wow. 1743 01:21:53,430 --> 01:21:54,870 What's your name? 1744 01:21:54,870 --> 01:21:56,190 Sunshine. 1745 01:21:56,190 --> 01:21:58,950 OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER): Hello, uh, this is Oliver Stone again. 1746 01:21:58,950 --> 01:22:00,320 This is my favorite scene in the movie. 1747 01:22:00,320 --> 01:22:01,600 Without a doubt, the best scene. 1748 01:22:01,600 --> 01:22:04,580 It's, um, the Ron Jeremy improv comedy scene 1749 01:22:04,580 --> 01:22:07,290 Where we just let the cameras roll and he uh... 1750 01:22:07,290 --> 01:22:09,460 Heh heh heh heh. See that? 1751 01:22:09,460 --> 01:22:10,320 I mean, look at that. 1752 01:22:10,320 --> 01:22:11,200 He's great. 1753 01:22:11,200 --> 01:22:14,030 We just let the cameras roll and... I'm 1754 01:22:14,030 --> 01:22:16,030 Still laughing about it... Just how good he was. 1755 01:22:16,030 --> 01:22:19,150 Uh, and like he was given a skeleton. 1756 01:22:19,150 --> 01:22:20,910 [LAUGHING] Look at him. 1757 01:22:20,910 --> 01:22:22,090 Look at him. He's great. 1758 01:22:22,090 --> 01:22:25,840 And everything he did... it's just from... from his own mind. 1759 01:22:25,840 --> 01:22:28,400 I don't know why you got to listen to my boring monotonous 1760 01:22:28,400 --> 01:22:30,090 Commentary. 1761 01:22:30,090 --> 01:22:31,750 Then you have Ron here. 1762 01:22:31,750 --> 01:22:33,270 Uh, you really should switch over 1763 01:22:33,270 --> 01:22:35,980 To track one and just listen to what he has to say 1764 01:22:35,980 --> 01:22:38,780 Because this is comedy, folks. 1765 01:22:38,780 --> 01:22:40,070 He's very funny. 1766 01:22:40,070 --> 01:22:41,750 Um, you know we were actually... look at that. 1767 01:22:41,750 --> 01:22:43,330 See? Isn't he good? 1768 01:22:43,330 --> 01:22:44,760 Kudos to Ron. 1769 01:22:44,760 --> 01:22:47,210 Kudos to the crew. 1770 01:22:47,210 --> 01:22:50,440 And kudos to my lighting guy for... for lighting 1771 01:22:50,440 --> 01:22:53,670 That giant halo over his head there. 1772 01:22:53,670 --> 01:22:56,130 [SHOUTING] 1773 01:22:56,130 --> 01:22:58,120 NARRATOR: Attention, party goers. 1774 01:22:58,120 --> 01:23:03,440 Today's party attendance is a record 2,000. 1775 01:23:03,440 --> 01:23:04,650 Chug, chug, chug! 1776 01:23:04,650 --> 01:23:06,050 Fucking chug it. You will suck it. 1777 01:23:06,050 --> 01:23:07,010 Chug, chug, chug! 1778 01:23:19,180 --> 01:23:20,840 Barney Gumple is a very big agent. 1779 01:23:20,840 --> 01:23:23,630 And this family comes into Barney Gumple's office 1780 01:23:23,630 --> 01:23:27,580 And is a mother, father, daughter, and a son, 1781 01:23:27,580 --> 01:23:28,710 And their dog, right? 1782 01:23:28,710 --> 01:23:29,470 This really happened. 1783 01:23:35,670 --> 01:23:36,850 Where's the fucking salsa? 1784 01:23:43,210 --> 01:23:45,380 I need some fucking salsa! 1785 01:23:45,380 --> 01:23:47,860 Barney Gumple says, what do you guys do? 1786 01:23:47,860 --> 01:23:49,600 And they said, well, let's just show you. 1787 01:23:49,600 --> 01:23:52,440 And the dad takes down his pants and the son starts 1788 01:23:52,440 --> 01:23:53,880 Sucking the dad's dick, right? 1789 01:23:53,880 --> 01:23:56,160 And... which is weird. 1790 01:23:56,160 --> 01:23:57,780 Hey! [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 1791 01:23:57,780 --> 01:23:58,930 Shut up in there! 1792 01:23:58,930 --> 01:23:59,860 Shut up in there! 1793 01:23:59,860 --> 01:24:01,550 But then the mom gets down on her knees 1794 01:24:01,550 --> 01:24:04,000 And starts fisting the dog's ass, right? 1795 01:24:08,340 --> 01:24:10,280 C'mon. Don't be shy. 1796 01:24:10,280 --> 01:24:12,340 Silicone doesn't hurt. 1797 01:24:12,340 --> 01:24:13,550 How about a shaved pussy? 1798 01:24:13,550 --> 01:24:14,870 I don't know about that. 1799 01:24:14,870 --> 01:24:16,680 Um, guys? 1800 01:24:16,680 --> 01:24:17,930 Shut up, Tim. 1801 01:24:17,930 --> 01:24:20,080 And then the son takes a crap on the floor. 1802 01:24:20,080 --> 01:24:22,180 The mom takes the son's crap and smears it 1803 01:24:22,180 --> 01:24:23,700 All over the daughter's ass, which 1804 01:24:23,700 --> 01:24:25,360 Then the dad eats out, right? 1805 01:24:41,020 --> 01:24:41,850 This is great. 1806 01:24:51,920 --> 01:24:54,120 You stay right there. 1807 01:24:54,120 --> 01:24:57,420 Oh ho ho, yeah. 1808 01:24:57,420 --> 01:24:59,480 Watch me pull a rabbit out of my ass. 1809 01:24:59,480 --> 01:25:01,170 [FARTING SOUNDS] Oh, my god. 1810 01:25:01,170 --> 01:25:02,260 Let me teach you something. 1811 01:25:02,260 --> 01:25:03,750 Dude, I'm getting tied up! 1812 01:25:03,750 --> 01:25:05,450 The mother eats that, and then shits on the floor, 1813 01:25:05,450 --> 01:25:07,410 Then jacks off the son. 1814 01:25:07,410 --> 01:25:09,130 The son comes all over the dog. 1815 01:25:09,130 --> 01:25:11,560 The daughter licks the come off the dog. 1816 01:25:11,560 --> 01:25:13,860 The dog then takes a shit on the son. 1817 01:25:13,860 --> 01:25:14,660 No, I'm sorry. 1818 01:25:14,660 --> 01:25:16,760 The dog takes a shit on the daughter. 1819 01:25:16,760 --> 01:25:18,350 Wait, no. Let's start over. 1820 01:25:18,350 --> 01:25:20,320 You boys can resist and stay put 1821 01:25:20,320 --> 01:25:23,870 While we go dance for your other homo friends out there. 1822 01:25:23,870 --> 01:25:27,320 We'll have a big surprise for you when you get back. 1823 01:25:27,320 --> 01:25:31,040 Keep those cocks hard or we'll cut 'em off. 1824 01:25:31,040 --> 01:25:31,740 Ah. 1825 01:25:36,040 --> 01:25:36,740 Fucking ass. 1826 01:25:38,720 --> 01:25:40,490 LLOYD KAUFMAN (VOICEOVER): Greetings from Tromaville. 1827 01:25:40,490 --> 01:25:41,940 This is Lloyd Kaufman. 1828 01:25:41,940 --> 01:25:45,280 Now, in this scene, I actually had a bit of a dispute 1829 01:25:45,280 --> 01:25:46,630 With the editors. 1830 01:25:46,630 --> 01:25:49,190 They had this weird idea that... that we should 1831 01:25:49,190 --> 01:25:52,280 Move the story along and... and, uh... 1832 01:25:52,280 --> 01:25:53,340 What the heck's that all about? 1833 01:25:53,340 --> 01:25:55,650 I felt that whilst the women in this film 1834 01:25:55,650 --> 01:25:58,730 Are rather attractive, the lesbian scenes just don't 1835 01:25:58,730 --> 01:26:00,720 Have the magic, the spark. 1836 01:26:00,720 --> 01:26:02,890 And we got lucky during some reshoots. 1837 01:26:02,890 --> 01:26:05,440 The winner of the Beat the Geeks' Get Killed in a Troma 1838 01:26:05,440 --> 01:26:09,550 Movie contest... she happened to enjoy being with the nice buff 1839 01:26:09,550 --> 01:26:10,780 Gal on the left. 1840 01:26:10,780 --> 01:26:12,040 And hey, what's better than that? 1841 01:26:12,040 --> 01:26:12,840 Who needs story? 1842 01:26:12,840 --> 01:26:15,510 Who needs plot when you got the hot lesbian action? 1843 01:26:15,510 --> 01:26:16,290 Look at that. 1844 01:26:16,290 --> 01:26:17,480 Now that's filmmaking. [SLAPPING SOUNDS] 1845 01:26:17,480 --> 01:26:18,630 Look... Look at it. Yeah, yeah. 1846 01:26:18,630 --> 01:26:20,210 Look at it. Ooh, ooh. 1847 01:26:20,210 --> 01:26:22,030 Oh, yeah. Yeah. 1848 01:26:22,030 --> 01:26:23,460 I'm a good director. Ah. 1849 01:26:23,460 --> 01:26:25,020 Oh. Ah, ah. 1850 01:26:25,020 --> 01:26:26,570 [SPLOOGING] Ahem. 1851 01:26:26,570 --> 01:26:27,500 Um, yes. 1852 01:26:27,500 --> 01:26:29,820 Well, I guess I'm finished with my commentary 1853 01:26:29,820 --> 01:26:32,710 And, uh... let's go back to the stupid movie now. 1854 01:26:32,710 --> 01:26:35,420 Anybody got a Kleenex around here? 1855 01:26:35,420 --> 01:26:38,040 [SHOUTING] 1856 01:26:50,820 --> 01:26:51,750 C'mon! 1857 01:26:51,750 --> 01:26:52,750 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 1858 01:26:52,750 --> 01:26:54,220 Or somebody talk to somebody. 1859 01:26:54,220 --> 01:26:56,600 C'mon! Dude. 1860 01:26:56,600 --> 01:26:58,580 These chicks are wild, man. I'm telling you. 1861 01:26:58,580 --> 01:26:59,630 The dad's balls, right? 1862 01:26:59,630 --> 01:27:02,220 And the son goes down and starts jacking off the dad. 1863 01:27:02,220 --> 01:27:04,380 The dad goes down and starts fisting the daughter. 1864 01:27:04,380 --> 01:27:07,160 The daughter's getting fisted also by the mother. 1865 01:27:07,160 --> 01:27:09,750 The mother stops and shits all over the floor. 1866 01:27:09,750 --> 01:27:11,720 The dog... 1867 01:27:11,720 --> 01:27:13,250 I wonder what's going on out there. 1868 01:27:13,250 --> 01:27:15,040 I don't know, but it's making me horny. 1869 01:27:15,040 --> 01:27:16,430 [FARTING SOUNDS] 1870 01:27:16,430 --> 01:27:18,370 Guys, I'm free. 1871 01:27:18,370 --> 01:27:20,760 Tim, what are you doing? 1872 01:27:20,760 --> 01:27:22,530 Tie yourself back up, bitch! 1873 01:27:22,530 --> 01:27:26,230 Sit your ass back in that fucking chair. 1874 01:27:26,230 --> 01:27:28,910 The father spits the dog come in the mother's mouth. 1875 01:27:28,910 --> 01:27:31,490 The mother shits the dog come out on the daughter. 1876 01:27:31,490 --> 01:27:33,130 The brother licks it off, and then 1877 01:27:33,130 --> 01:27:35,060 They all jump down in the shit and piss 1878 01:27:35,060 --> 01:27:38,280 And come and just fuckin' suck the shit out of each other. 1879 01:27:38,280 --> 01:27:41,400 And then they finally stand up and say, tada! 1880 01:27:41,400 --> 01:27:44,200 And... and the agent says, well, that's... that's an interesting 1881 01:27:44,200 --> 01:27:46,470 Act. What do you call yourselves? 1882 01:27:46,470 --> 01:27:49,360 And the father says, the Aristocrats. 1883 01:27:49,360 --> 01:27:51,360 [CRICKETING] 1884 01:27:53,360 --> 01:27:55,730 [SHOUTING] 1885 01:27:56,670 --> 01:27:59,010 Hey, this isn't the Lipschitz bar mitzvah. 1886 01:27:59,010 --> 01:28:00,770 But they got some strippers over there. 1887 01:28:11,450 --> 01:28:13,930 [SCREAMING] 1888 01:28:17,910 --> 01:28:19,400 Those strippers are vampires! 1889 01:28:19,400 --> 01:28:22,380 [SCREAMING] 1890 01:28:28,360 --> 01:28:29,750 The Aristocrats. Don't you get it? 1891 01:28:29,750 --> 01:28:30,450 It's a joke. 1892 01:28:36,640 --> 01:28:38,120 Salsa for my guts! 1893 01:28:38,120 --> 01:28:39,350 Salsa for my guts! 1894 01:28:39,350 --> 01:28:42,650 Put some fucking salsa in my gut. 1895 01:28:42,650 --> 01:28:45,530 [SCREAMING] 1896 01:28:50,880 --> 01:28:52,080 Was that a scream? 1897 01:28:52,080 --> 01:28:53,640 Yes, that was a scream. 1898 01:28:53,640 --> 01:28:56,000 Oh man, these girls are good. 1899 01:28:56,000 --> 01:28:56,970 [SCREAMING] 1900 01:28:56,970 --> 01:28:58,440 NARRATOR: Attention, party goers. 1901 01:28:58,440 --> 01:28:59,410 Note the irony. 1902 01:29:14,210 --> 01:29:15,210 [BURPING] 1903 01:29:15,210 --> 01:29:17,200 [FARTING SOUNDS] 1904 01:29:17,200 --> 01:29:18,700 We got bad chicken. 1905 01:29:18,700 --> 01:29:20,690 It's heading straight for the stinkhole! 1906 01:29:20,690 --> 01:29:22,190 [GRUNTING] 1907 01:29:22,190 --> 01:29:23,190 [SCREAMING] 1908 01:29:23,190 --> 01:29:24,190 NARRATOR: Oh, my god. 1909 01:29:24,190 --> 01:29:25,680 He's got a cock in his ass. 1910 01:29:31,170 --> 01:29:32,170 Oh, shit! 1911 01:30:03,410 --> 01:30:04,610 Taxi! Taxi! 1912 01:30:23,220 --> 01:30:23,950 Something's going on. 1913 01:30:23,950 --> 01:30:27,470 I gotta check it out. 1914 01:30:27,470 --> 01:30:29,630 Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! 1915 01:30:29,630 --> 01:30:32,920 What the heck are you doing, bitch? 1916 01:30:32,920 --> 01:30:34,460 Oh, my god! 1917 01:30:34,460 --> 01:30:35,950 Chug, chug, chu... 1918 01:30:35,950 --> 01:30:38,300 [SCREAMING] 1919 01:30:45,510 --> 01:30:46,800 Oh, my god! Oh, my god! 1920 01:30:46,800 --> 01:30:48,790 Oh, my god. Don't fucking touch me, OK? 1921 01:30:48,790 --> 01:30:49,990 Stop that. Stop. 1922 01:30:49,990 --> 01:30:50,990 Thank you. Oh, my god! 1923 01:30:50,990 --> 01:30:52,980 Oh, my god! 1924 01:30:52,980 --> 01:31:09,100 Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chu... 1925 01:31:18,560 --> 01:31:21,050 [ROARING] 1926 01:31:21,050 --> 01:31:23,540 [SCREAMING] 1927 01:31:27,550 --> 01:31:30,010 What the fuck is going on? 1928 01:31:30,010 --> 01:31:31,940 What... what the fuck? Hey, Timmy. 1929 01:31:31,940 --> 01:31:33,220 What the fuck is this? 1930 01:31:33,220 --> 01:31:34,700 Get out. 1931 01:31:34,700 --> 01:31:36,000 Guys, get out. 1932 01:31:36,000 --> 01:31:37,320 Timmy, what's going on? 1933 01:31:37,320 --> 01:31:38,490 I don't like the look of this here. 1934 01:31:38,490 --> 01:31:39,600 This sucks. 1935 01:31:39,600 --> 01:31:41,430 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] Come on. 1936 01:31:41,430 --> 01:31:42,780 [ROARING] [FARTING SOUNDS] 1937 01:31:42,780 --> 01:31:45,130 Oh, please, ladies. Stop it. 1938 01:31:45,130 --> 01:31:45,930 Really. 1939 01:31:45,930 --> 01:31:48,240 [ROARING] 1940 01:31:50,210 --> 01:31:52,670 [SCREAMING] 1941 01:31:59,060 --> 01:32:01,520 [FARTING SOUNDS] 1942 01:32:16,330 --> 01:32:17,800 What is so quiet in there? 1943 01:32:21,980 --> 01:32:23,000 Fuck, it's dead in there. 1944 01:32:23,000 --> 01:32:24,690 Hey. Come on. 1945 01:32:24,690 --> 01:32:25,570 A beer. 1946 01:32:25,570 --> 01:32:26,270 Something. 1947 01:32:26,270 --> 01:32:27,130 It's about time. 1948 01:32:27,130 --> 01:32:27,890 Hey. 1949 01:32:27,890 --> 01:32:29,290 Oh, god. Oh, god! 1950 01:32:29,290 --> 01:32:30,030 Are you Ron Jeremy? 1951 01:32:30,030 --> 01:32:30,990 Oh, god! 1952 01:32:30,990 --> 01:32:32,910 Oh, god! 1953 01:32:32,910 --> 01:32:35,310 [ROARING] 1954 01:32:35,310 --> 01:32:37,230 [PHONE RINGING] 1955 01:32:37,230 --> 01:32:38,190 [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS] 1956 01:32:38,190 --> 01:32:39,320 TIMMY'S DAD (VOICEOVER): Hey, Tim. 1957 01:32:39,320 --> 01:32:40,190 It's your dad. 1958 01:32:40,190 --> 01:32:41,940 And hopefully this will be the last time you hear 1959 01:32:41,940 --> 01:32:43,670 From me in this shitty movie. 1960 01:32:43,670 --> 01:32:45,160 Got some news for you. 1961 01:32:45,160 --> 01:32:46,200 Grandma's dead! 1962 01:32:46,200 --> 01:32:49,370 And she left you a few million dollars for school. 1963 01:32:49,370 --> 01:32:52,540 So whatever you do, don't have a stripper party. 1964 01:32:52,540 --> 01:32:54,210 Hope this message gets to you in time 1965 01:32:54,210 --> 01:32:56,920 So we can have an ironic twist in this movie. 1966 01:32:56,920 --> 01:32:59,680 And I'm still going to kill that fucking casting director who 1967 01:32:59,680 --> 01:33:01,370 Put that fat kid with a raccoon in this movie 1968 01:33:01,370 --> 01:33:02,410 And that other kid. 1969 01:33:02,410 --> 01:33:03,880 Love, Dad. 1970 01:33:12,220 --> 01:33:13,520 So what do you say? 1971 01:33:16,250 --> 01:33:17,180 Let's eat. 1972 01:33:17,180 --> 01:33:19,880 OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER): Hello, uh, this is Oliver Stone again. 1973 01:33:19,880 --> 01:33:23,440 Now, uh, we are at the closing of the, uh, film. 1974 01:33:23,440 --> 01:33:26,720 Uh, you may have some questions as to why I chose to end 1975 01:33:26,720 --> 01:33:29,290 It in such a obscure bleak way. 1976 01:33:29,290 --> 01:33:31,990 And I guess... I guess my answer is, uh, time 1977 01:33:31,990 --> 01:33:33,980 Travel movies never make sense. 1978 01:33:36,640 --> 01:33:37,970 [MUSIC - "THUNDER AND LIGHTNING POLKA"] 1979 01:33:37,970 --> 01:33:40,860 Well, we've reached a conclusion to our merriment, 1980 01:33:40,860 --> 01:33:42,490 Tales from the Crapper. 1981 01:33:42,490 --> 01:33:44,970 And I'll tell you that in the annals of history, 1982 01:33:44,970 --> 01:33:46,890 There has never been a motion picture like Tales 1983 01:33:46,890 --> 01:33:47,780 From the Crapper. 1984 01:33:47,780 --> 01:33:49,510 And what more fitting... a location 1985 01:33:49,510 --> 01:33:51,910 For the climactic ending of Tales from the Crapper, 1986 01:33:51,910 --> 01:33:55,380 But the ground zero of independent cinema... 1987 01:33:55,380 --> 01:33:59,770 Park City, Utah, land of the Sundance Film Festival. 1988 01:33:59,770 --> 01:34:02,480 And we believe that Robert Redford himself has personally 1989 01:34:02,480 --> 01:34:04,570 Selected Tales from the Crapper to be 1990 01:34:04,570 --> 01:34:07,710 The opening film of the 2000 of... buh buh 1991 01:34:07,710 --> 01:34:10,180 Buh... Sundance Film Festival. 1992 01:34:10,180 --> 01:34:12,480 Well, that about wraps it up. 1993 01:34:12,480 --> 01:34:13,750 I... I don't think there's anything 1994 01:34:13,750 --> 01:34:19,750 Else left to say, except... ah. 1995 01:34:19,750 --> 01:34:20,890 There it is. 1996 01:34:20,890 --> 01:34:22,390 Ah. 1997 01:34:22,390 --> 01:34:23,220 Ah. 1998 01:34:23,220 --> 01:34:24,450 Ah. 1999 01:34:24,450 --> 01:34:25,430 Ah. 2000 01:34:25,430 --> 01:34:26,970 I've been eating a lot of asparagus 2001 01:34:26,970 --> 01:34:28,640 Up here in the mountains of Sundance 2002 01:34:28,640 --> 01:34:32,530 And my pee is just the right color. 2003 01:34:32,530 --> 01:34:33,230 Mm. 2004 01:34:41,830 --> 01:34:43,120 [FARTING SOUNDS] 2005 01:34:43,120 --> 01:34:44,620 Oh. 2006 01:34:44,620 --> 01:34:47,620 [MUSIC - "CANNIBAL LESBIAN HOEDOWN"] 2007 01:37:00,990 --> 01:37:02,790 OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER): Hello, this is Oliver Stone. 2008 01:37:02,790 --> 01:37:04,210 I'd like to state for the record, 2009 01:37:04,210 --> 01:37:07,310 Uh, I had nothing to do with this film, Tales 2010 01:37:07,310 --> 01:37:08,210 From the Crapper. 2011 01:37:08,210 --> 01:37:11,370 Uh, in fact, this is a poor imitation of my voice. 2012 01:37:11,370 --> 01:37:15,360 Uh, and it's, uh, further proof that, uh... it was in fact 2013 01:37:15,360 --> 01:37:19,860 Lloyd Kaufman is the naked Indian who killed President 2014 01:37:19,860 --> 01:37:26,610 Kennedy on the lawn that fateful day... December 32, 1922, 2015 01:37:26,610 --> 01:37:30,240 In Dallas, while listening to The Doors.137653

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