Original subtitles

[gentle music]

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

[upbeat music]

- And action.

- Ooh, I'm ready to see your hot body.

Ooh, I'm ready. [fabric rustling]

- Oh yeah, see that, all for you, baby?

You ready to get down and dirty?

- I'm just feeling a little dry.

- Oh, you mean, down there? - Down there.

- Oh, wow. Don't worry, baby.

Look, we got Dr. Herbert's Love Goo, the solution.

This will save your Norwegian zones.

It'll get you wet as the Nile River.

- Cut. - Okay.

- Was it all right? Any notes? - Don't be so insecure.

Alright, let's not forget the most important thing is this.

The lube, the star of the show.

Now, when you squirt this,

you are gonna put both thumbs at the top.

- Okay. Here.

- And you basically just squeak.

[bottle popping] [lubricant sloshing]

[model screaming]

- What're you doing? My hair? - Fuck!

- Makeup! - Jesus, Charles,

do you get anything right? You fucking idiot.

- There's lube all over my face. It's sticky.

I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna throw up.

- Ugh. - That's a wrap everybody.

- Charles, really messed up today.

You can still work for me,

but you need to sign those divorce papers.

- Then why don't you cut off my hand and sign it yourself?

What a fucked up world. [lights booming]

No matter how hard I try, I just keep getting kicked back.

I'm in the desert with no water.

Somehow I have even less. [lively music]

I just can't do this anymore.

It's time for a change. [lights booming]

- There's my big time Hollywood director.

- Hi, mom. I'm alright.

- When am I gonna see some of these masterpieces, huh?

Who did you work with today?

Telling Jacobs, you're such a dreamy, I so wanna meet him.

- Mom, I make commercials, not feature films.

- I know. That's what I want to talk you about.

You know, features are where it's at. Commercials are passe.

People like, they just, you know, zip through them now.

Features, I think you should just jump head on into it.

- Yeah, but I don't have any ideas for any feature films.

- Just... - I don't have any money, Mom.

- Don't... Stop. Stop.

Honey, You come up with one good idea,

the money will flow in. I know it.

You just have to believe, baby. You just have to believe.

- I love you, mom. [dog barking]

- I love you. [ominous music]

[breathing deeply] [Charles grunting]

- Thanks so much, John,

for helping with all of my stretches today.

- How about I take you out to dinner tonight, on me?

- No. Can do. I don't date people who identify as male.

[graphics whooshing] - Come on, Luna.

I could tuck. - No. Stop.

[upbeat music] - Yeah, whatever.

- Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom, mom. [ominous music]

[graphics whooshing] - I told you,

I'm not interested, you prick. [flesh squelching]

[Luna screaming] [laughs]

- You ever wanna pay to die? [ominous music continues]

♪ Dance for mommy ♪ [Charles screaming]

♪ That's your tummy ♪

♪ Mommy loves you ♪

- That's it. I'm gonna make slasher.

- You cannot tell Charles about this, please.

- Trust me. I would never ruin a perfect thing. [laughs]

- [laughs] Oh shit. Do I? Wait, think he's coming. Get up.

- Mom. Mom. - Yes.

- I had a tremendous idea. Came to me in a dream.

I'm gonna make a slasher film. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna go see Tony tomorrow at the shop,

and I know he'll know how to do the funding.

'Cause in fifth grade in Boys Club,

he made $1,500 in chocolate bars.

- Oh, oh, that's wonderful, dear.

[Tony grunting] - What was that?

- Oh, the nothing. You're hearing things.

- I'm making a movie.

It's a slasher film, and I need your help.

- So you're finally done

with those butt plug commercials, huh?

- I hope so. - Wow Charles,

after so many years talking about it,

you're finally gonna become a filmmaker.

- I just wanna show people that I'm capable of making art,

you know, not just making infomercials for sex toys

that break off into people's holes.

You know, the surgical removal paperwork

is bankrupting the company.

- Well, if you're gonna make a slasher film,

you should really think about hiring that stacked girl,

Jess, from all your ads.

I mean, she was a scream queen after all.

[exhales sharply] [hands thudding]

- What do you mean by that?

- Haven't you seen any of those Camp Gore films?

Dude, she's in like six of them.

Hell, you could crowdfund this movie.

- First of all, I don't watch stupid movies like that.

Number two, what is crowdfunding?

- Well, Charles, my friend,

crowdfunding is how you're gonna get your little movie made.

You see, people like to pay good money

just to watch movies being made.

And if you get Jess involved,

it's not a question of if you'll make the money,

but how much money?

[bell ringing] - Yeah.

I guess I could give her a call.

Seems to be a bit of a flake though.

- While you are at it.

See if you can get that cue ball, Teddy involved too.

He loves to throw his money around.

Bet that bald bastard would throw in a boat load

just a star in this movie

and make a little splash on your campaign to start from.

- This movie's gonna be killer.

- Killer. [hands thudding]

[doorbell ringing] [footsteps plodding]

- Jess, did Charles say anything to you

about why we're here today? What's going on?

- I don't know.

He just said he had like some super secret projects.

- Oh Charles. - Yeah. Yeah.

I bet you didn't know that was my daughter.

[footsteps plodding] [men grunting]

[body thudding] [Charles blowing raspberry]

- All right. All right guys. Quit. Quit horsing around.

What's going on? - I'm making a feature movie

and it's a slasher. - And we're crowdfunding it.

- Wow. - So Jess.

- Yeah. - I know you have a history

in the horror genre and you have a large following.

If you could just promote the crowdfunding page

to your fans, I would make you the female lead.

And Teddy. - Yeah. Yeah. What about me?

- You're the key to the first day success of this campaign.

- I am? - [Charles] Yeah.

I need eyeballs on this. - Okay.

- Okay. I need a splash. - Alright.

- How much money are you willing

to cough up to be our male lead?

- Well, Charles, I think I'd put in 1,500,

but I'm telling you, I need a sex scene

and it needs to be two chickitas.

- Hi everyone.

Have you ever wanted to star in a low budget,

independent horror slasher film? Well, now's your chance.

- Cut, cut, cut. [graphics blipping]

We can't say horror independent slasher film

because everyone wants to be in like

a big Hollywood budget kind of movie.

You know, with like celebrities and stuff like that.

- It sounds cheap, otherwise, yeah, I wouldn't,

talk it up. - Okay.

[graphics blipping]

Hey everyone, have you ever wanted to star

in an independent horror film? Well, now's your chance.

[graphics blipping] - We gotta make them think

we're making a big budget Hollywood slasher film.

Do you get it, Charles? - Yeah, I get it.

I just don't wanna get stuck making these

horrible fucking commercials.

So whatever you say, I'll go with.

- Let's go. Okay, let's do it again.

- Yeah. - This time, I think, Jess,

you're gonna have to lead a little,

do a more leading in this. [graphics blipping]

- You wanna be in my next movie

directed by the amazing and handsome Charles.

- And starring Teddy as well.

- Yeah. - Hi, hi.

- Tony, why don't you tell us about our cast?

- Why don't we just try to give

as many a-list actors as possible?

Can't go wrong with celebs.

- We don't wanna say try. [graphics blipping]

If you say you already have celebrities,

then it's like more people are gonna join.

Now there's a siren and we're not gonna

be able to finish doing this. This is ridiculous. Come on.

Why don't bring why don't I bring Tina on board?

- You know, I separated from her for a reason.

Those fucking chattering teeth in that big mouth.

- Let me look at what we have here.

- Okay. - Let's just cut for a second.

[graphics blipping]

- All right, guys. Moment of truth.

[exhales sharply] With the click of a button,

our lives could change in an instant.

- I really hope we could make good on all those promises

that we made in the pitch. - And don't worry, Charles,

if people, you know, don't donate or we have any problems,

we can always do that perk I told you,

if someone could play my girlfriend or boyfriend

in the movie, I know someone will do it.

- Don't worry, we got this. We're already making it already.

- I know. - Yeah. Yeah.

And Teddy look, I said we would hold onto that

and you know, we'll talk about it later. All right.

- Don't let it slip away. It's a good perk.

- I'm not. I'm not, I'm not. Okay guys.

Alright, we're gonna do this. - Alright.

- All right, here we go. I'm gonna gonna press the button.

Okay, drum roll please. - All right.

[hands thudding] Let's do it together

'cause I feel like that's better luck.

- Alright. - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay. 3, 2, 1.

- "Pay to Die". - "Pay to Die".

- Boom shaka laka, laka, bing bong.

- Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

- Hey guys, Jess here, with all of my friends.

We got Teddy, Tony, and Charles.

- And we're letting you guys know

about our brand new project "Pay To Die",

which you guys can star in.

There's even a perk to act with you, Jess, right?

- That's right. For $1,000, you could be in a scene with me

and for $5,000, I'll even make out with you.

- But the coolest perk we have though

is the "Die in the film perk".

For only $5,000,

you guys can have a gory, gross out death scene

in the movie, but also tell 'em about the other things.

Tell 'em Jess.

- You get underpants and they're mine.

And they're not that expensive. It's quite a deal.

They range from different colors

and different conditions all the way through and-

- To mid condition.

- You can also purchase Dr. Herbert's Love Goo.

That's right.

Please do me a favor, help us make our dream come true.

- Make your pledge because we've got the all new pink one.

The very best camera on the line.

- It's unique opportunity that you should take advantage of.

Change your life today with "Pay To Die".

[lively music] [woman moaning]

- Boss. - What?

- Do you know what this is?

Something that even you hasn't seen in a long time,

that Burbank reported they talking about you,

which is why you have to eat.

You have to eat because you're skinny, boss.

You are way too skinny.

There's a hurricane coming. You might fly away.

- I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.

- Open up the choo train. Come on boss.

- No, I'm not hungry. [cutlery jangling]

- Open up. Open up. - Please, I'm not hungry.

I'm not hungry. I have such regrets.

[cutlery jangling] Why did my last film

have to be a fucking golf movie

with that deep voiced Romano guy?

Why couldn't we get that fat little guy from the twins?

- It's not too late for a comeback.

You can be the comeback king. That's who you are.

The comeback king.

And I'm sure your lovely wife will be more than happy

to see you get out of the house.

- Ooh, that sounds like a splendid idea.

The last few years, all you've been doing is moping around

like an old dog. [lively music continues]

- You sure you won't miss me too much?

[laughs]

What about our board games and sexy sleepovers?

- Ugh, God. Another night of you trying all my lingerie.

I'm gonna kill myself. - We need it boss.

Go, make the call. - Alright.

[phone beeping] [phone ringing]

- Harrison Bronco and his butler are going to stab the agent

if he don't give us a job. - [Harrison] Adam.

- Hello. Who's this? - It's Harrison Bronco.

What the hell is going on up there, your little weasel?

I haven't received a script from you.

No new offer in over two years.

Did my wife tell you I'm making a comeback?

- I'm sorry. I didn't even know you were serious. Okay.

I thought maybe you were drunk

or abusing your meds or something.

- I made a lot of money for you.

I paid for your kids' college tuition.

And what are you doing for me. Bullshit. Nothing.

Now you gotta get me a job. Understand.

Otherwise, I'm gonna come up there, you a little weasel.

And I'm gonna stab you in your fucking heart.

- Okay, Harrison, we'll try to find

a nice rosy part for you, okay?

Really, really bring your everything out. [laughs]

- Listen, I want you to find me an action thriller, okay?

Where I can play my own stunts with an A-list director.

- I will look, I will look and look and look.

And I'll find something sooner or later

that'll be really rosy for you, okay?

- Yeah. You're better. - Alright. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Pain in the ass if I ever had one.

[phone ringing] [lively music]

- Hello? Who is this? - Well, hello there Charles.

A little bird told me you are doing a film without me,

your producer. - I didn't think

you'd be even interested in a movie like this.

It's a horror film.

And I just, I would've told you right away.

Of course, I want you to be involved in this.

- Save it. I already spoke to Jess and she said,

"You want nothing to do with me?"

- No, no, no, no, no. Please, Tina. I love working with you.

- I'll give you a second chance.

- Okay? Sounds good. Okay.

I'll text you the address of what we're doing it

when I figure it out, okay. [phone thudding]

[alcohol sloshing]

Tina. Tina, are you there? Hello? Tina.

[lively music]

Guys, I'm really worried.

We've raised like $30,000 in less than 24 hours

and there are all these false promises.

People are paying for perks to be acting with celebrities.

And we don't have any celebrities.

- I actually think it's pretty cool.

People are flying in from all over the world.

Some guy even paid five grand to produce a movie.

- And has there been any interest in the perk for me,

you know, to act in a scene with me

as my girlfriend or boyfriend. - We have bigger fish to fry.

- That's an important perk to me.

- The money keeps going up

and the cast is looking rather tragic.

- Yeah, and if we make a movie with only perk actors

and no celebs, the people are gonna riot and probably sue.

- That's why we need some celebs. Jess, I'm counting on you.

- Okay, I'm on it.

- What you gonna put on there, Jess?

- I, you know, a couple of lies. A couple of fibs.

No harm, no foul. - Don't worry, Charles.

All we really need is one A-list celebrity

and the rest will fall into place

with B movie actors who work for like

1,000 bucks a day.

- Yeah. Like what about Dylan Jacobs,

I mean, that guy does like 300 movies a year.

I mean, he'll do anything. We can definitely get him.

- That sounds great. I'm gonna type up a casting right now.

- Work your magic. - My mom would love this.

[horse neighing] [hooves clopping]

[chickens clucking] - Ooh, hot.

I got a job for Harrison, I got submit for Harrison.

I have to. Why? What?

So don't get, don't get them close to my eyebrows.

They... [imitating fire crackling]

You know, I don't want that. [lively music]

[footsteps plodding] [latch rattling]

- Mrs. Stevenson. [door thudding]

Mr. Stevenson. [lively music]

- Hi.

- Hi, I'm sorry to bother you so late,

but we have amazing news about the movie.

- Oh, that's splendid. I'll go fetch the boy.

Make yourself at home. Come in.

- Thank you. Thanks. [door thudding]

- Charles, your friend's here. - It's me.

- Hi. - Here to save the day.

- What's up? - Nothing.

Just meeting your mom. She's cute.

- Thanks. - She looks super young.

- Yeah, I made her that way.

- She's biologically your mom? - Pretty much. Yeah.

- [laughs] I have some amazing news for you.

- What, what's going on? - You will never guess

who we've cast in our movie. - Who, who is it?

- Harrison Bronco. [breathing deeply]

- He's a real dime piece.

- How could we even afford him? What's he cost?

Like a million bucks or something?

- He hasn't worked in many years.

So his agent was able to give us a lower rate, 1200 a day.

[breathing deeply] [hand thudding]

We're gonna be able to sell this movie to a big studio.

We might actually make money on this.

- Wow. Listen, next time, just gimme a heads up. Okay?

- I promise. [lively music]

- After a three year hiatus, you have to be on the mark.

You have to be perfect. You know, the suit looks good.

They wanted white. That's great.

I don't like that tie, but-

- I'm wearing the tie. You don't have to like it.

- Well, if they wanna change it, let them change it.

- Yeah.

- Don't start no shit with them.

- I'm not gonna start anything. I'm happy I got the job.

- Good. Finally.

- Finally is right after all the damn years.

Look how long it's taking you to get me a fucking job.

- When I wanted to get you a job three years ago,

you bitched, you screamed, you yelled.

You almost broke my fucking eardrums.

- No, you wanted to gimme a job on zombie, zombie-

- So what? - Zombie love story in Pluto,

who does a job like that? - They did it.

- No. Come on. - And they made money.

Zombie something. I don't know.

- Zombie love story. - Yeah.

- Yeah. I know.

- I would've Zombie Love Story if there's money.

That's all you care about is money and people seeing you.

What's that called? What people seeing you?

- Exposure. - That's what it's called.

- Yeah. - So that's what you need.

- Right. - And this movie

is not gonna be a lot of money.

This is gonna be a lot of exposure.

- That's all. That's what we need. Some exposure.

- Yeah. We need to- - Get paid little next time.

- Yes. Good. Okay. I hope. Yeah, that sounds great.

- I'm so excited. This is my first ever audition.

Was I supposed to read something first?

- You mean you didn't receive any lines for your character?

- Oh no, I'm not getting them. Oh, I don't want this done.

I don't wanna do this one. Oh shit.

Don't do that. No, I failed.

- You can read off my page. I aiming for the romantic lead.

- If any of us don't get the role,

we can always pay to be an "actor" in this production.

- Like hell it is, do not trifle with me little person.

I am Dr. Goul.

I have a world renowned late night horror show

on public access television.

In the Midwest, I am rated number one

right next to the farm report.

My fans will not sit idly by with this.

If you don't put me in, you will live to regret it.

Now I expect you to give me the full name and address

of whoever the hell stole my role.

- Yeah. Get him outta here. Come on.

- Get him out! [lively music]

- Hey, hey, hey. You'll rue the day. You will not...

This is not the end of me. My lawyer eats human flesh.

- He's angry. - Hello, Harry Peters.

Is there a... Oh awesome. All right dude.

Ready for your winky. I mean, reading. [laughs]

[clipboard thudding]

- Oh darling, you are the light of my life.

- What is that? That's not even in the script.

- I yearn to pee with you, my love.

- I think that's actually my stalker.

- Is this not okay? Or is this okay?

Or is it not? - Little trouser snake.

[laughs] - No, put...

- I'm so happy. Thanks God.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

- I can't understand what the fuck she's saying.

[actress screaming] [lively music continues]

- I come up from behind. [actor grunting]

- Those are my guts are pouring out.

- [Charles] Yeah, yeah. [actor grunting]

- My followers really wanna see me in a movie.

They really like this.

It's gained me almost 5,000 followers.

- Will you work for free. [lively music continues]

- I think I did really good. - Really?

- I think so- - Hey guys, I'm so late.

- Hey.

- You know if it's still going on?

I'm here for the best friend audition.

- Yeah, should be. - Cool.

- Yeah. - Thank you.

- Uh-huh. - Good luck.

[footsteps plodding]

- We now have Marley Federers reading for the role of Jenna,

the female lead's best friend in the film.

- And if for one moment to bask in their everlasting light-

- [Jess] She's really good. - Oh my gosh.

- I would sacrifice my soul. - Oh my God.

- My mind, my body. - Okay.

I think we should log this down.

- Yeah. Yeah. Would you pay to be in the movie?

[uplifting music]

- Joe Estevez auditioning for the killer of "Pay To Die".

Speak the speech, I pray you for the action to the word

and the word to the action.

Do not cut the air thusly, but speak...

Well, you listen, when you cast me,

I'll do the rest of the soliloquy for you, okay?

- 10,000 people applied to be my best friend.

- Mm-hmm.

- I don't know if you noticed,

but there's somebody out there killing us all

off one by one.

- Listen, Joey, you're the love of my life.

I need you. You can't leave me.

- Fuck you. No one disrespects me.

- Oh, fast forward that one.

- I just feel like something's off about my heartbeat today.

- I cannot be defeated. No one can stop me.

- You think you can keep me here forever?

You're dead fucking wrong.

- You like something sexy

and I got a lot of money. [money rustling]

I wanna play. I wanna audition.

You know, the bedroom scene.

- I'll be right back. This is from a number I don't know.

A blocked collar and this thing hasn't rung

since I bought it, so I better take it. I'll be right back.

- [Jess] Okay.

- Dude, I gotta be on that set, man.

This is gonna be, I'm gonna finally...

Finally get my fucking IMDb credit, bro. Okay?

I need that fucking credit. Okay, man.

- I'm a little hesitant about the whole thing,

to be honest with you. I mean-

- I'll get all sorts of party tricks,

you know what I'm saying, bro?

We were out there with smashing hoes,

we'll do some shit, okay, bro.

- Let's not go that far, okay?

Let's just, just calm down. All right, please.

- I will produce that shit so fucking hard, bro. Okay.

Make it happen. [phone thudding]

- Okay. Yeah. [TV clamoring]

- Mom, you got that hemorrhoid thing.

[police siren blaring] [wind whistling]

- Welcome to the first day of shooting of "Pay To Die".

Welcome. Yeah, let's clap. [people applauding]

This started with a one week gym membership and yeah,

there was a woman there I wanted to kill.

I actually wanted to chop her head off, [laughs]

but I didn't.

I molded that clay into a ball that became what this is.

And it is a journey,

you're gonna learn a lot about yourselves.

So let's do that right now.

Let's go around and introduce ourselves. Jess.

- Hey guys. I am Jess.

I have millions of followers online

and I am the star in all of Charles's commercials

and the movie. - I'm a producer

and soon to be Charles' ex-wife,

the one who still lives with his mom.

- What's wrong with that? Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo yo, yo yo.

My name's Dominic, you can call me Dom

if you wanna be punched in the dick. All right.

I'm an Uber producer.

That means I'm above the other producers.

And I'm Teddy, I'm actually one of the producers as well.

I put in a little more money than you did,

and I'm one of the co-stars as well, the second co-star.

And I appreciate you all coming out for the project.

- My name is Ryan. I'm playing the killer.

Put like 10,000 bucks into this.

I had high hopes and looking around

I can't wait to kill you guys.

- My name's Tony, Charles is my best friend.

[imitates explosion booming]

I'm the one who came up with the idea

for the finance campaign.

So you're here partly because of me.

And of course, the stacked miss beautiful Jess here.

I'm not acting in the film, but I am single.

[Tony clicking]

- I'm motherfucker Chichi Vega.

I'm the pimp from New York,

from the lower fucking east side.

And I'm fucking pissed at Tina

'cause she fucking took my whore.

As a matter of fact, my whore and a half

'cause she's pregnant. See you later.

- I'm David. I'm the Key PA.

If you have any questions or concerns,

you can take them to Charles. [laughs]

No. You can take them to me. I'll handle them.

- I'm Jeff, the PA. I like lube.

- Hey, stop. [hand thudding]

- What? - Hi. I'm Jill.

I'm gonna be one of your PAs.

Looking forward to working with everyone so.

- Oh, Niccolo, what the fuck else am I supposed to say?

Okay, don't move. - What are you doing?

- I gotta place the tube. Okay.

[teeth gnashing]

- Charles, are you watching this right now?

- [Charles] Yeah, I'm watching it.

- Just don't move, okay.

- [Charles] Get this guy out of here. I think this-

- I gotta place the tube.

- [Charles] Yeah, we don't need blood.

- Inappropriate, okay. - Don't fucking touch me.

Don't fucking. [David shrieking]

[footsteps plodding] - Oh my. You sick bitch.

You sick bitch. [footsteps plodding]

- All right. Are we ready for a take?

Let's do another take. You guys wanna do a take?

- [Jess] Yeah. - Alright, let's do a take.

And action. [Jess screaming]

- Cut, cut, cut. Charles. Everybody is molesting me on set.

I'm not okay with him brazing his knife on my boobs.

- Yo. Yo, Charles, man. Yo, yo.

[indistinct] been out of pocket, dawg.

She can't be like demanding shit.

Whatever, dude, she's...

I got so many actresses on my fucking cell phone.

I got Boost Mobile Unlimited, dude.

I call any of 'em right now. Scar Joe.

Man, my friend fingered her back in college, bro.

I'll hook it up, man.

What you gonna do? Handle her man.

- Listen up, Dominic. Okay.

I let you and Daniel on my set,

but you have no say in the progress of my film.

- Oh, oh, yeah. You gonna play like that though.

All these people here because of me, dawg.

I snap my feeling was like, Thanos, they're gone, dawg.

They gone because of me. Everyone's here because of me, son.

One phone call, dawg. One phone call.

- Wow, Teddy, I'm so thrilled to be behind the scenes

at a real film.

Getting to peek behind the curtain

is such a life changing event for me, especially with you.

- Well, oh, thanks. I'm really happy for you.

- I can't wait to do our new scene together.

- Oh, wait, wait, wait.

You mean they actually did the perk

to act in a scene with me?

You got it. I didn't know if they were gonna do that or not.

- I especially requested it. Jess cut me an exclusive deal.

Only 50 bucks. - Oh, $50.

Oh, that's pretty cool.

I mean, oh, wait, where do you know me from?

- Those sleazy sex ads, of course.

Now if you'll excuse me while we were talking,

I was leaking and I think it was wet.

- Go clean yourself up before our scene. Okay?

And I don't want that. Oof.

- What I'm going for here is a very '80s horror motif.

Think the early Western Raven movies. Yeah.

I'm even thinking about putting in some petroleum jelly

on the lens to give it that dreamlike vibe.

- Sounds like a great idea, nice work.

- Yeah, it sounds cool. - Yeah, I like it.

- Hey, let's go. We have 13 more scenes left to do today.

Okay? Who gives a shit what it looks like now?

Okay, it doesn't matter. Let's pick up the pace.

- Listen [indistinct].

I put down a lot of cheddar for this production

to play my role, is there any way I can get like ventilation

or like a water tube system cooled down my shit.

Goddamn, it's hot. - Why you being a diva,

Jennifer Lopez, man. Just deal with it, dawg.

It's a hot set.

That's what I called a hot set, not a cold set.

You know what I'm talking about, bro?

Yo, I got a rash on the side of my tank, dude.

It looks like Steve Band fucking monkeypox virus, bro.

It's cool, just roll with it, dawg.

- Easy, Marky Mark. You got a hot jump jump around

in my face, fucking being real shady right now.

[tuts] [footsteps plodding]

- I have some news about one of our big actors.

- [Jess] It's not Harrison, is it?

- No, it's nothing involving him.

He's still on board tomorrow afternoon,

after the married couple scene is done.

It's Dylan Jacobs. I just got off the phone with his wife.

They're stuck in really bad traffic

and running over an hour late.

I mean, this is why

they normally have a driver pick him up, are her words.

He's also in a very sour mood and she warned us

we better have his cue cards ready,

large and easy to read when he gets on set, okay?

They gotta be perfect. [dramatic music]

- Don't worry about the cue cards. All right, I'm on it.

My brother Paul's on it with me. He's been bus token.

We understand Dylan's needs about his cue cards.

Nice and big, six point font. It'll be done.

Okay. All right. So not a worry there.

Charles, is there anything that you need me to do?

I'm gonna go grab a sandwich,

otherwise I'll do whatever you need me to do.

- You've already done enough. [dramatic music continues]

- Oh my gosh, I'm so excited.

This is my first time on a movie set.

- I don't wanna have a love scene with you.

- What? - Wait, wait...

- Wait. I'm so sorry. I'm huge fan of you guys.

Can I get a picture of you guys? Selfie?

- Okay. - Alright.

[dramatic music continues] [phone camera clicking]

- But you can't post this on social media-

- Yeah don't share it around.

- Yeah, don't share it, yeah.

- Don't share and post until the movies out.

- Yeah. [footsteps plodding]

- Wow. I'm so fucking unbelievably excited.

I can't believe I'm gonna be in this movie

acting with my hero, Teddy. I could almost sing.

Oh, I think I will. [suspenseful music]

♪ Oh, I can't wait to die ♪

[suspenseful music continues] [flesh squelching]

[actor grunting] [blood sloshing]

[door thudding]

- Don't panic anyone.

Dylan Jacobs is here to the rescue as usual.

Bring me my cards. [footsteps plodding]

[vinyl record scratching] What? What the fuck?

Did I not specify exactly the font and width I require

for these letters, this will never do.

They're gonna have to be redone. What is wrong with you?

- Okie doke. All right.

- Where was that strapping fellow that greeted me earlier?

- Yes, sir. How may I help you?

- You're gonna go with me and we're gonna redo

all those cards until they're in perfect working order.

- Yes, sir. Whatever you need.

- Not a problem. He will help you.

- Thank you. You. [metal thudding]

With me. - Okay. Oh, oh.

- Oh, Jess. What a beautiful day it is

to make your acquaintance be in your presence.

Oh, I've been following you for years.

About as long as I've been growing this beard, actually.

But when the opportunity came up to meet you,

I had to jump right on it.

The cavity search in the airport wasn't very fun

but how was I supposed to know swords weren't allowed.

I take my katana everywhere I go. [laughs]

- Great. Well, so nice to meet you, Mr. Dick. Or Rick?

What's your name? - Rick. Rick, yes.

But you know, it's a good thing I don't on my katana,

because if I did, I'd have to dual anyone

who challenged you, which reminds me,

if you need any help or any protection, just let me know.

Okay? - Okay. Oh, oh, oh.

Social distancing. Right. - Right, right.

- Okay. I'll see you. - Thank you. Okay, thanks.

Hey, Charles.

Charles, we need to talk about that security officer

you promised me. - No, that's all wrong.

You moron. I need him over there. Over there.

- Over there? - Yes. Over there.

What is wrong with you? [footsteps plodding]

[lively music]

Look, I need those cards on the top right.

Gives me a better eye line. Okay? And also, here's a tip.

I don't want any reflection in my eyes.

Makes me look like I'm reading, okay?

There's a method to this, capish.

- Sir, I'm very sorry about this,

but I don't know how we're gonna cover them

in and throughout the scene.

I mean, they're wallpapering most of the room.

- Don't go blaming the tool, son.

Those cards are my tool as an elite actor,

as a true thespian.

It's how I always give a best performance humanly possible.

Capish.

- I'm not blaming your tool, sir.

I'm just saying. I don't know how best to shoot this scene.

- Look, that sounds like a you problem, not a me problem.

All right, I'm beyond this.

Now, I'm gonna go to my dressing room and call my shrink.

I need some sanity in my life. All right?

- [David] Don't worry Mr. Jacobs. We'll fix your tool

and things' gonna be fine. - You better?

- I don't know how we're gonna fix this.

- [Phone] Please hold for the next available representative.

- This is utter chaos. They were prepped about my cards.

They knew the sizes. What were these imbeciles thinking?

Come on, doc. Pick up. Pick up.

- Why, Hello, Mr. Jacobs. This is an emergency number.

I hope that's what it is.

- Yeah, but it is doctor. It is.

They're blaming the cards again.

I just wanna give 'em a deep fucking paper cut

with my cue cards. I'm an artist and nobody ever listens.

- [Doctor] Remember what we discussed

during our last session about the breathing exercises?

You can't just get so angry over trivial problems.

It will lead to an early grave.

[breathing deeply] [footsteps plodding]

- Do you think I should go check on Mr. Jacobs?

He has been gone for quite a while now.

Like, like a really long time.

- I can do a welfare check. - Oh no. That's okay.

- Well, I for one, hope he makes an appearance soon.

I'm ready to slice and dice him.

I mean, not the film, of course.

- Let's just give him some breathing room. Okay?

- Okay.

- Let's be ready to shoot once he's back.

- Right. - Yeah.

We'll do all the closeups of everyone else

and then we'll get his stuff last.

- That sounds like a good plan. That man is an asshole.

- Things better run smooth when I get out there.

[suspenseful music] [footsteps plodding]

Hey, you, quit dicking around with my cue cards.

[suspenseful music continues] [Dillon grunting]

[flesh squelching] [blood sloshing]

[door thudding] - Mr. Jacobs.

Sir, I'm sorry to barge in like this,

but I haven't heard a response

and I'm getting worried, more than usual.

So I really hope you're decent. If not, please pull him up.

Okay, Mr. Jacobs. [dramatic music]

[David shrieking] [police siren blaring]

[lively music] [car door thudding]

[radio beeping]

- This is where we last saw him.

- We got a missing person. We have blood on the set.

This is now an official crime scene

and we're gonna have to shut your movie down.

- Oh, no. - No, no, no, no, no.

Please. - Please. Pretty please.

We have the Harrison Bronco coming down tomorrow

to shoot with us out of retirement.

- Harrison Bronco. The Bronco. - [Jess] The Bronco.

- I adore the Bronco.

- You know I love that golf movie he did.

What a way to go out. - [laughs] Yeah.

- Maybe we could work something out.

Because I have been dreaming of meeting the Bronco

for like forever, okay.

So maybe you could put me in a scene with the Bronco

and then my partner and I [lively music]

could just forget about filing the paperwork

for a while and I could get an autograph and some selfies.

You'd even have Officer Murphy and I on the set

in case there's any shenanigans.

- See, you know, I could bring donuts,

but not Crusty Cream. Hate those.

- Finally, a fucking runner.

I've had to leave the set to go get snacks

for over half this shoot. [imitating explosion booming]

- Gotcha. - So Charles,

how was your first day on the set?

- We had a bit of a roadblock.

I mean, I'm just kidding. It went perfect.

- Of course it did, I told you it would.

You know, you're just like your father.

Everything he touched it turned to gold.

Yeah. I'm so happy for you. - Love you, mom.

[lively music]

- I hope they don't tear my hind for being one day late.

What can I do?

When will be the next time I get to see

the biggest ball of yarn again?

I did put 20 grand in this production

and I can check it right back. [fingers snapping]

- How did you sleep last night?

- Tossed and turned

and we didn't get anything shot yesterday.

And well also, one of my celebrities is a missing person.

- Oh, come on Charles.

He's the furthest thing from a celebrity there is.

He's not even a Z-lister.

- Do you guys think I should wax down here

for the sex scene?

You know, I don't really want any hair coming out.

What do you think? Hair? Or no hair, Charles?

- I say no hair. - Okay, good.

- Hello, hello. - Oh, hey Officer.

- We got some donuts for the break room

and I need to get my face on, so who should I talk to?

- What's up guys? Are you my fans?

- Yeah. - Awesome.

Let's go to the dressing room then. Okay.

- Excellent. - Cool.

- Think we should go get some donuts.

- I mean, at least she's distracting the cops.

- Yeah, I mean, she's doing something for us.

- Yes. - Let's go.

- All right.

- So where did you get the ticket?

- I really can't say. - What was it for?

- Well, you know, it was like for a few things.

Like mostly speeding, but also-

- You had more than one thing on the ticket?

- Well, no, I have a few tickets.

- A few. How many you got? - Six.

- Really? - Yeah.

- And have you, have you paid any of them?

- Well, no. - So you've been, she...

You know what, Murph, she's got FTAs, man.

- She does. - What does that mean?

- Failure to appear. - FTAs.

- Is that a big deal? - Absolutely.

You can get arrested. - You know,

if you give my partner Donnie your phone number though,

I'm sure he can clear this right up.

- So I don't normally do that.

But what if I follow you back. [amorous music]

- To his house? - No, online.

- We don't do that.

- Yeah, we don't give out our...

- I know you follow me- - Lying.

No. Listen- - We follow your sister.

Yeah, well she's over 18. - How did you meet her?

- Online. - Where'd she contact you?

- You're under 18? [vinyl scratching]

- Maybe.

- Alright, it's good talking to you.

- I tell you what. [footsteps plodding]

- So you are gonna call me back though.

[door thudding]

- Hello all, your producer is here.

I drove all the way down from Texas to get here.

Now where are them celebrities.

And where are those little honeys?

- Rod, why are you so late?

- I'm sorry. Sweet meat. [lively music]

I didn't mean to rustle your jimmies.

- You come late and you act like this. Ugh.

- That's right. - Okay.

I really want you to bring out my cheekbones. Okay.

Like highlighter or blush or whatever you call it. Okay.

And also my eyes. I want my eyes to pop.

Okay. - Okay.

- Pop. - Yeah.

- You know, like maybe use some smoky eye.

- Yes. - Do you have smokey eye?

- I do have smokey eye. - [Don] Oh.

- You have striking eyes. Let's bring them out.

- Thank you so much.

- Could you make his lips a little pop?

Like a little pop? Like a little, I don't know.

A little pouty look to it.

- All you gotta do is slut me, man. I'll come out.

- Is that gonna happen? [lively music continues]

- Hold on. Not too much. It's gotta look real.

- Right. - Oh yeah.

[suspenseful music]

- I can't wait to kill somebody there, dude.

Like I came to bring the pain.

This movie's been weak as fuck so far.

There's hardly any blood. - Calm down, pal.

- Harrison at 12 o'clock, everyone.

The man, the myth, the legend. [lively music]

- Okay, everybody, we gotta be prepared for greatness here.

- Fingers crossed. Nothing goes wrong here.

- Hey Charles, I was wondering,

should we use this lands or the wider one?

All in good time, Adam. [lively music continues]

- Mr. Bronco, I'm so honored to meet you.

I am so grateful that you are trusting us

with your career comeback.

- I'm not Mr. Bronco. He's Mr. Bronco.

My boss is Mr. Bronco. I'm just a butler.

- You might wanna try a different outfit next time.

- Haven't you seen any of my movies?

I guess not. Alright. [laughs]

- Hi, I'm Jess, star of the movie and executive producer.

- Mm-hmm. - So nice to meet you guys.

I can take you to your dressing room.

We have water and snacks and stuff.

- Hold on lady. Hold on.

My boss has a very strict diet,

so strict that before he eats his food, I chew it for him.

- I told you not to talk about that outside of the house.

- Yes, you did, boss. I'm sorry. You did. Yeah, you did.

- Wait, I need to look, I need to look.

What? You call that smokey eye.

- [Makeup] Yeah. - They're smaller.

They don't pop it all.

- It looks like you've got little tiny black marbles

for eyes there, Don. - Oh man. Can you fix this?

- [Makeup] I can fix it. It's- - Oh my gosh.

- [Makeup] Super easy fix. - All right, come on.

Bring in the paint brush. Let's see what we can do.

- Can do? - Yeah.

- Alright, sir, makeup will take care of you.

- Harrison Bronco in the flesh. Oh my goodness.

You're a living legend. - Yeah.

- Wow. - Yeah.

- Hey, can I take a selfie? - Yeah. $20.

- $20. Sorry, I didn't get paid yet.

Hey, listen, you should take my chair.

I think you could. - Where should I take it?

- No, you should use my chair

because I think the year's been a little rough.

- Yeah, it's been rough. Hey listen.

I'm starting to regret this. Look. Look at this. Come on.

- Hey, Mr. Bronco, can we shake hands?

- I don't shake hands on the first meeting.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- Really nice to meet you. - Yeah, it's a pleasure.

- Yeah. - You too.

- Hey, thank you. - Yeah.

- You'll remember it for always. I bet.

- Say that again.

- You'll always remember this moment. I know I will.

- Who's this guy? - He's my partner.

- Hi, Detective Murphy. - Yeah.

Officer Murph, I call him. - Yeah.

- Oh, detective, what's for dinner?

- For dinner? - Yeah. I'm hungry.

- You're always hungry.

- Hey, we know a really good Italian place.

- I don't Italian. - Okay.

- We know a great steak place. - I don't eat steak.

- Alright. - What do you like?

- What do I like? - Well, the other day we went

to a Mexican restaurant owned by a black family.

- Yeah.

- It was called Casa Your Mama.

- Casa Your Mama. - Oh.

- Wow. [lively music]

- Now what in the hell is going on here?

Now, one single person has got back to me,

told me didly squat about when we're shooting our scenes.

I have 30 grand put in this project

and I can charge it all right back again.

- I was promised over 300 lines in this movie.

And I've come to collect.

- And I was promised 301 lines in this movie.

I always get more than my sister.

- If you want your question answered,

the crew is right over there.

- You know, I think he needs more color.

He looks like a corpse. - [Makeup] Yeah.

- Maybe you could give him some blush.

- [Makeup] Yeah.

- Because this is a thriller, not a zombie flick.

- And also his lips, they're dry. You got anything for that?

- He looks hella dusty. - Yeah.

- Get some moisturizer in here.

- Mm-hmm. - The nerve on these guys.

Boss, pay no mind. You look as gorgeous as ever.

Clark Gable had nothing on you.

- That's enough. That's enough. Stop.

- Give it back. - It's mine.

- Hello. Hello. [lively music]

- Rod. I know you paid a lot of money to be a producer here,

but you can't just let randoms on the set.

You don't have a call sheet or time schedule.

They're not supposed to be here.

So please don't let anybody else on the set.

- No sweat off my back. I know when I'm not wanted.

- Look, I'm not even joking. I will take my money back.

When are my daughters filming their scenes?

- I am so, so sorry.

We just have like a jam packed day tomorrow.

We have action scenes, we have death scenes,

we have karate scenes, we have sex scenes.

We're just not gonna be able to fit you guys in.

Also, we have Harrison Bronco coming

and he's like the most important part of the movie.

We could totally like try to get you guys this weekend.

- Look, I should be the most

important part of this whole film.

I put in the most money, 30 grand.

You know what, if we don't film our scenes by Saturday,

you're gonna see all kinds of problems. Girls, let's go.

- We need that back. - Let him have it.

- All that makeup Mr. Bronco. You look marvelous.

- That's way too much makeup. Way too much. Way too much.

- [Makeup] I think you look great.

- No.

- [Makeup] This is movie makeup.

- Oh... - [Makeup] It's fabulous.

- I look like the bride of Frankenstein.

- Ugh. - [tuts] Bullshit.

- No, come on, take this off.

- [censored] clowns. [glass shattering]

[cat screeching] Wipe it off and start over.

- Alright, stop it. Stop it right now.

- Guys, I cannot tell you how excited I am

because tomorrow is my big hot sex scene.

I cannot wait. - Have you decided yet

whether you're going shirtless or not?

You know, show off those man boobs.

- Well, you know, I figured, you know, Tony, if you got 'em,

you might as well flaunt 'em.

I mean, why not? We gotta have some titties in this movie

'cause Jess, you certainly aren't gonna show yours, so.

- All right. That sounds like a plan.

But we really gotta figure out when Marley's gonna get here.

We need to get her right in makeup.

And then after that we need to get Harrison in makeup

because they're in a bunch of scenes together.

- I haven't seen her. - Listen guys,

am I gonna get to kill anyone anytime soon?

I think I should get what I fucking paid for.

- Guess Marley's running late. LA traffic is the worst.

- Hi, I'm Marley Fetters. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who are you? Some kinda lot lizard.

[lively music] - No.

- I was specifically told

that everyone that was supposed to be here today

was already here.

I just got done getting my ass handed to me

for allowing randoms on set.

- I'm not a random, I'm not a lot lizard either.

I'm here for the movie. [lively music continues]

- Well, little lady, you must have been fired

from this here production

and they forgot to tell your ass so vamos.

I will not be yelled at again by some Hollywood siren.

Adios. Go, go, go, go. [footsteps plodding]

- Marley! [upbeat music]

Has anyone seen Marley? - [Rod] I seen her.

I sent her ass walking. [footsteps plodding]

That lady producer told me not to let anyone else

on set today. That's right, I do what I'm told.

- Why would you do something like that?

You're gonna ruin the whole movie.

- What are we supposed to do

without Harrison's daughter character in the film?

By the way, you should probably

go get in your wardrobe soon. [footsteps plodding]

- This is my wardrobe.

- Don't worry everyone, I have her contact info

and I'll just tell her it was a big mistake.

[footsteps plodding]

- You're a big mistake to your mother.

- Shit, I can't wait till she gets here

so I can gut her good. - Yeah, well-

- What? - Hmm?

- All right, look, I need to leave.

I can't fucking stay here.

These are fucking amateurs. - This is your big comeback.

They want throw your comeback. - This is setback.

- Fix 'em up now. - [Makeup] Okay.

- Right now. - [Makeup] Okay.

- You're fucking misfits, all of you.

- Yeah. We'll come back tomorrow.

- Well, can't we all just get along?

- I'm outta here.

- Oh him. No. - [Makeup] Sir, wait.

- [Harrison] Gabe, get outta the way.

- [Makeup] I have to fix it.

- [Harrison] Everybody get outta the way.

- Please sir, don't leave.

- Get outta the way, Bob, go ahead. Go ahead Bob.

- [Harrison] We're gonna fix it up right now, please.

- Your problem, lady, not mine.

[lively music]

- We just can't have any more setbacks today.

- This is the most unprofessional shoot I've ever been on.

No more of this no budget, low budget,

independent movie stuff. - Wait.

- Unprofessional. - Where are you going?

- Unprofessional. - We're shooting Harrison-

- I'm going home, that's where I'm going.

- Wait, Mr. Bronco, can I just, just turn this way?

Please, sir. - Get outta here.

[phone camera clicking] Get outta here.

- Yo Harrison, man slow down. [upbeat music]

He's recording already, come on dawg, don't you want that?

[crowd clamoring] - We've got tomorrow.

- Well, I guess we're done for the day.

Can't shoot anything else without our star.

- Good news guys. I just got off the phone with Marley.

She'll be back in 15 minutes so we're all set.

[footsteps plodding]

- No, no, no, no, no. We can't have Marley back.

Harrison just left. We have to call her tomorrow.

- Yeah. Tell her come tomorrow. Come tomorrow, he left.

- I just called her. - Yeah. Tell her tomorrow.

Tell her tomorrow. [footsteps plodding]

[gentle music]

- You know water is weird, right?

You order spring water. It's supposed to be purified.

You order purified water. It's supposed to be spring.

It all tastes like purified water.

Take care of yourself and each other.

[door knob rattling] [lively music]

- Tina, have you been avoiding me?

- No.

- I haven't received any information from your progress.

I have no dailies. I have no files.

I need information from you.

- I've been on set here 12 hours a day.

- Yeah, you're doing nothing.

If I don't see those files,

Pirate's Gate is not distributing your movie.

- Alright. All right. I have some of your files here.

Just gimme a second. [bottle shattering]

[body thudding] [Tina grunting]

[cat screeching] [lively music]

[breathing deeply]

No one threatens our Pirate Gate deal.

[bottle shattering] [dogs barking]

[footsteps plodding] [body scratching]

I got work. Giving you more work to do.

[door latch clicking] [gentle music]

- [Jess] Thank you so much for coming down here.

- Life coach on call, [laughs] Uber was $12.

Anyways, what's the problem? - I am just so stressed out.

I don't wanna be a producer anymore. I just wanna act.

- Okay. Firstly, firstly,

what did I teach you at the beginning?

What did you learn first? Always finish what you start.

You started this. Now finish it.

Life is wonderful

and you're always learning new things, Jess.

It's a good thing. It's a good thing. It's a good thing.

- I don't wanna be here anymore.

[breathing deeply]

- Okay, listen. You got problems. Yo, I got problems.

Well, we'll solve the problems,

but before we solve the problems, you're too tense.

You're tense. - Oh, yeah, I feel tense.

- We're gonna, I can see that you are gonna have

to do some breathing exercises.

- Okay. - Alright.

Let's go back and do a chihuahua.

- A chihuahua? - [babbles] Small breath.

[breathing deeply] [Jess imitating chihuahua]

There you go. Release the stress with the monkey.

- Oh, I feel it in my stomach.

- With the monkey. [Jess babbles]

- I feel in my stomach. - Move your legs a little bit.

[indistinct] [lively music]

- Jess, are you okay? You seem to be stressed.

Did you not sleep last night? - Charles?

Are you on another planet? Okay.

Everything that could have gone wrong on this set

has gone wrong. - All we gotta do

is split off into groups. We'll get everything done.

We got so much stupid shit to shoot

before Harrison gets here.

The karate stuff, fans plus stuff.

We'll get it all done Charles, and then we'll

be ready for Harrison.

- Yeah, that's a brilliant idea.

Let's get all the people who don't know

how to shoot a camera that paid to be in the movie

to shoot this movie.

- But then we'll get it all done.

- That's what I hate about this pay to play business, right?

So many out of place scenes.

This is the kind of thing that kills the art.

- Come on, Charles.

We're in way too deep to worry about that now.

We're in it to win it. - Yeah, Charles,

you don't wanna start something and not finish it.

We gotta finish the movie. - Come on. Come on, please.

- [Teddy] Come on, Charles. Come on. Perk up. We can do it.

Come on. You've been doing great so far. Come on.

- Please. [breathing deeply]

- Okay, everyone, I guess this is where I say action.

[dramatic music]

- I have pushed the red button on my device.

You should have sound now. - All ready when you are.

- Wait, hold on. I need a minute.

I gotta adjust, my beanbag is split,

if you know what I mean. [laughs]

- Oh yeah, well, this morning I put on

my wife's undergarments by mistake while rushing to set.

[laughs]

- [Master Rex] Silence! - Oh, can I borrow this?

It's pretty. - [Master Rex] Silence!

[lively music] [gong crashing]

Namaste. Patricia, step forward.

[footsteps plodding]

Show us your defense technique.

- What would you like me to demonstrate, Master Rex.

Here. [laughs] Thank you. - Oh, yes.

What I taught you in Goa,

the one that can take down any enemy.

- Brace yourself, Master. [lively music continues]

[hands whooshing] [footsteps plodding]

[blows thudding]

[body thudding] [Master Rex grunting]

- Oh, baby, I can't believe I'm so excited

to be your love interest in this film.

I have been infatuated with you

since your first naughty post.

I've been on your page since day one.

- I know you don't I, [amorous music]

You're the guy that likes to shop at the mall-

- Yeah.

- With the squishy plush toys, right?

Yeah. I thought you were mentally challenged.

[footsteps plodding]

- All right, gentlemen, this way, this way. Follow me.

Chop, chop. You over here. - And what up guys?

I am her love interest in this film. I am her top donor.

- Well, that's nothing. Look, I got her panties.

See these? I bought these from her.

They're pink, they're peachy and they're gently used.

- I've got five gallons of her bath water

and I bath in it nightly. - That's nothing.

Look, I bought a jar of her farts. I didn't bring it to set,

because, yeah, that's a little weird. But I got 'em.

- Baby. I'm in love with you.

But it turns out that I'm just a simp.

[man crying] [footsteps plodding]

[lively music]

- Now Rod, you don't want another repeat of you yesterday,

do we? - No, no, no ma'am.

I'm sorry about that. I swear. [laughs]

It'll never happen again. You got my word on that?

- Anybody that says they belong here,

you welcome them with open arms, all right?

- Yes ma'am. - Come on, green card.

Green card. Secret green card. [Linda exclaiming]

I want mad money. [laughs] - Honey, honey, honey,

we need to talk. - Talk what?

- I'd like to start a family, baby.

[pillow thudding]

- Family, oh, no, no family. I was not here for family.

I want green. I want money. I want green card.

I want green card. Come on. - You said you'd love me.

- I love you but because you gave green card.

I have a green card, green card.

- I can't just pull a green card out on my wallet.

That's not how it works. - You can,

because I give you my beauty. [lively music]

Look at the beautiful long legs, but I need green.

- Yes, you're beautiful, you're gorgeous.

[laughs] - I love us, huh?

- Cut, cut, cut, cut. - Good, right?

- Good. Great. You're wonderful. Thumbs up.

[hands clapping] I like it.

- All right. And roll sound. - Sound speeding.

Scene five, take 100. [breathing deeply]

Sounds good. Sound rolling.

- All right, and action.

[Master Rex grunting]

[lively music] [hands whooshing]

- What is it? - Yo, what's up bro?

So anyway, I was thinking for this scene,

I could like stab you under the chin.

We get someone from props to lift you up.

- Lemme stop you right there. Okay.

There's no way that you could ever defeat me.

That is just complete disrespect to my training.

You are cognitively inept.

- Insult our master one more time

and see what happens. [hands thudding]

- It's gonna happen, right? - You won't go well for you.

- You can leave.

- This is a goddamn parody in here. [laughs]

- All right guys, that was terrible.

Let's take, do it again from the top. Come on.

[group grunting]

- So what is that you want? [lively music]

- Well, I saw how you are friends with Jess on social media

and I thought maybe you could follow me too.

- It's me. I got millions of followers all over the world.

But that will cost, you what you got?

- Oh, oh, oh. I was hoping we,

I already paid you like a $1000 just to-

- Lying, money, money now. - I paid a lot

to be in the movie. I thought maybe we could just-

- Shh. [lively music]

[crowd clamoring] [elephant bellowing]

- Hey. Shut up, shut up, shut up, we're filming.

Be quiet, What the fuck is going on? Be quiet.

We're filming. Shh. Quiet. - Apologies.

- Stab, stab, stab.

- What the fuck are we doing?

- Sounds good. - Students, fight.

[lively music] [crowd clamoring]

[elephant bellowing] [footsteps plodding]

- Howdy little lady. Go right on in.

I won't make the same mistake twice.

- It was mortifying for me. I thought they let me go.

- Well, I'm a letting you go on in.

Have a nice day doing whatever it is you're doing

in this movie. [lively music]

Howdy, y'all supposed to be here today?

- Yeah, we belong here. - They invited us for lunch.

[footsteps plodding] [lips smacking]

- Right this way. - Yeah.

Oh, I hope they're serving chicken amandine. I'm starving.

♪ Are we living in a rib stocked tent ♪

♪ Are we living in a tent ♪

♪ Are we living in a rib stocked tent ♪

♪ Are we living in a tent ♪ [graphics booming]

- Hi, this is Michael Martinez here

with the Delicious Horror Film Spill

and I'm here with the incredible Jessica.

So there's been killings going on set with your film

and I heard that you're the producer of this project.

So what is going on with that?

- I told you that we couldn't talk about that,

so just edit that out, okay.

- I mean, I'm just wanna give the people what they want.

I mean, they want the juice.

- I can't really have him filming this.

I didn't agree to this. I didn't sign a release for this.

- Okay. No. - I'm not gonna sign

a release for this. - Keep, keep rolling.

We need this. We need this. - I'm not gonna sign.

I not gonna sign.

You told me you wanted to promote

my newest movie coming out. - Keep rolling.

- There's three guys and one girl.

I don't mind sharing. [amorous music]

- I haven't been good at sharing since, you know,

elementary school. - Guys. No, no.

We're gonna have a problem

because Stu don't do sloppy seconds.

- Guys, guys, guys. [whistle trilling]

- That is enough of that.

My name is Matilda

and I'm your intimacy coordinator for today.

I'm here to make sure there's no unwanted touching.

Honey, would it be okay if he touched your knee?

- Sure. I guess so. [laughs] - Gladly.

- No higher. Would it be okay if he touched your shoulder?

- Okay. - And you,

maybe her other shoulder. - Try to keep my eye on him.

- What is in your hand?

- Oh, well, these are panties. - Oh, that's disgusting.

- No, he paid for those.

- What a toxic work environment.

- Alright, I think we're ready to go for this.

- Yeah, let's run. - All right. Take 105.

Everyone settle and action. [dramatic music]

[footsteps plodding]

- No, no, no, no, no. What's this shit, man?

No, you gotta twist it, homie. I'm the killer in this movie.

You put down a little more money, or try to steal a role.

Ain't fucking happening homeboy.

Fuck that shit. Nah, it's fucking

my role, dude. [shuriken whooshing]

[flesh squelching] [actor grunting]

[blood sloshing]

- These special effects are fabulous.

[body thudding]

- How did they even do that? Where did they hide the tubes?

And has anyone seen any special effects artists on set?

- No.

- Now that I'm thinking about it.

- Those aren't special effects. That man was murdered.

This is the moment that I've been waiting for.

It's my time, judgment day. [lively music]

[breathing deeply] [suspenseful music]

[blows thudding] [Master Rex grunting]

- Oh no. - Hi baby.

[lips smacking] [laughs]

- I can't take this.

- Would you get the fuck off my wife?

- Yes. - Fuck you.

- Hey! - I want my money back.

- I already spent it.

- Hey, I'm gonna fucking sue you.

- And I'm gonna take the money and I'll stop-

- Come on, guys. Come on, calm down.

- Get him outta here. [crowd clamoring]

- Guys, guys, she's touching me.

- I love your boobs and your pregnant body.

[dramatic music]

You just got cut so bad. [flesh squelching]

Oh, god, I'm about to cum. [flesh squelching]

[actor grunting] [actor screaming]

[knife scratching] [flesh squelching]

- I have no dick, baby's not gonna love me now.

- You guys sure know how to show an old man a good time.

- Well, we do have the best connections

for all the most awesome local clubs.

- Oh yeah, we know the best bottle service, best lap dances.

- Most club drugs I've seen in my life.

- Whoa, those lap dances. - I don't know.

I don't know, the food in that place.

Keep, keep, make me sick. The last plate.

It was wet. - Yeah.

- The last time I was eating, it was wet.

- You're gonna have to sit in it like you did

on that plane going to Florida.

- That was terrible but I got you.

- Hey guys, I am so happy to have you back today.

- Oh yeah. - Yeah.

I see you guys have all been partying.

I'd like to party too.

- Well, I was beginning to think this crew's

like a bunch of pussies. - Yeah.

- Still have some party favors left

if you'd like to partake.

- Oh yeah, it is Primo donut dust.

- Oh, well I might just take you to your dressing room

and do some lines. I mean, I go over your lines.

[lively music] [card thudding]

- I had to take a break from my acting.

- Hey man, you're the legend.

- To go into to rehab 'cause of my addictions.

[inhales sharply] - Welcome back.

[Harrison grunting]

- I need a touch up. Oh. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hey. - You know,

it's so easy to fall back into

this dark web of drugs and alcohol.

- I think that's making your mouth numb,

because I couldn't understand that.

[breathing deeply] [Harrison grunting]

- You can run, but you can't hide

the monkey on your back will grow hungry

when you're least expect it. - Mm.

- And mine is starving right now.

[inhales sharply] [Harrison grunting]

- I can't do drugs. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I gotta call my life coach. [lively music continues]

Tell Stacey I'll be right back.

- This is good shit. [breathing deeply]

- I'm so excited, Marley, about our sex scene.

I can't wait but at the same time,

I'm really, really nervous. - [Marley] Why?

- I have to tell you something, Marley.

A lot of people don't notice about me,

but I used to be really, really heavy.

I actually lost 456 lbs.

So I have a lot of extra skin,

and I'm just kind of worried about you being, you know,

being embarrassed in front of you

or you being disgusted by me. [gentle music]

- That's okay. That's alright. You look fine to me.

- I do. - [Marley] Yeah.

- You think I look good. - [Marley] Yeah.

- Well, here's the thing. [gentle music continues]

Maybe after the shoot, maybe I could take you on a date

and we could have a fun night together.

- Oh, I don't think my girlfriend would like that.

I'm sorry. [jack hammer thudding]

[car horn blaring] [crowd murmuring]

- All right, thought that was the one.

- Well, I normally don't talk to telemarketers,

but this is interesting.

- [Phone] Do you own your own home?

- Yep.

- [Phone] You can save hundreds of dollars.

- Then gimme a quote, and I'll call you back.

- [Phone] You can save hundreds of dollars-

- Mm-hmm. I got this there.

- [Phone] Basically completing-

- Honey, I'm on the phone, can you keep it down.

[Jess crying] Oh, wait.

Let me call you back. The heck is wrong with you?

What's wrong? - I can't be here anymore.

I just, it's too tempting.

I just, I just, I need, I need something for energy

and I don't have no energy and I just can't do it anymore.

- Wait. Whoa, whoa. You didn't do drugs, did you?

- I wanted to do the drugs. - But you didn't.

- I might've done a little bit of it.

- Did you do it or not? Now, if you did, that's good-

- I don't know if I- - If you didn't, you won.

- I don't even remember if I did it. It was there

and if I done it. - You won. You won. You won.

You didn't. - I didn't. I lost.

I'm such a loser. - [Lifecoach] No.

- I'm such a loser. - [Lifecoach] You're not a-

- I'm a loser. - I don't see losers.

And you're not a, you didn't-

- [Jess] I'm such a loser. - You won the battle.

You didn't do it. You're strong.

- [Jess] No, I think I did it.

- You did?

- I don't know if I did it.

I don't know what did? - What?

How do you not know what you did?

- I don't even know anymore. I'm so stressed out.

I'm running around. I'm doing everything.

- Oh my God. What did I teach you?

- [Jess] What do I do? - What have I taught you?

- [Jess] What do I do? - Jess? What?

- Lifecoach? - Jess, Jess, listen.

You didn't do drugs. You won't do drugs.

You're a strong woman. [lively music]

Strong. Strong. Say it.

- I'm a strong woman. - [Lifecoach] Strong woman.

- I'm a strong woman.

- [Lifecoach] I will not do drugs.

- I will not do drugs.

- [Lifecoach] Drugs. - Drugs.

- [Lifecoach] Bad. - Bad.

- [Lifecoach] Drugs bad. - Drugs bad.

- [Lifecoach] I will not do drugs.

- I will not do drugs.

- [Lifecoach] See you won, you're victory.

You're victory. You're victory.

- I'm victory. I'll not do drugs. I love you. I love you.

Oh, okay. Okay. I ready to shoot. I'm ready to go, guys.

- I gotta make a call. Oh, Jesus.

Now, what was that telemarketer's number?

Oh, he'll call back. [phone ringing]

- Oh, wait a minute, scam likely, it must be him.

Yeah. Hey, scam. So tell me how much it costs.

- That girl, Marley over there.

- Yeah. - Stop looking at her.

- I was just downstairs with her

talking about the sex scene we're about to do.

You know what she told me?

I tried to ask her out and she said,

"I have a girlfriend. I'm not interested in men."

- Excuse me, sir. - Yeah.

- Hey, snazzy digs. - Thank you.

- Love the 10 gallon hat. - Thank you.

- So me and my friends here bought the featured death perk.

- Well, you're here to be in the horror movie.

This is the right place.

I think the kill scenes

are gonna be in shot over there somewhere.

- All right.

- I'm at this post since I got yelled at.

- Alright guys, let's do it to it.

- Here you go. [footsteps plodding]

- And the beach is this way, right?

- You ain't gonna find much beaches around here, lady.

- Okay, thanks. [laughs]

- Do I get to be killed? - Yeah, hurry up.

- Ooh, I really like your hat. That brim is so long.

- Oh, thank you. You ought to see the crown.

- Ooh. - Love that shirt, man.

I got a rug just like it. - Yeah. Matches your head.

- This is the new joker.

[upbeat music] [crowd murmuring]

[inhales sharply] [Harrison grunting]

[crowd murmuring] - Oh, easy, easy boys.

[breathing deeply] - Oh, man, you're an animal.

Fucking eat it.

[upbeat music continues] [group babbles]

[inhales sharply] - Oh yeah.

[footsteps plodding]

- So Gary. - Yeah.

- Did you hear about the Bigfoot guy

that was living in the mountains around here?

And the story goes,

he took an acetic BM on this hiker's face

and his face melted clear right off.

- Oh my God. That sounds like one

of those crappy Chauncey movies we used to rent

from the library. That's atrocious.

- What kind of actor would want to do a crappy movie?

- Idiots. [breathing deeply]

Look at all this hooch. [footsteps plodding]

- Oh wow. - Can you believe it?

- Oh, my favorite here.

- Oh man. We're gonna have to take some of this

home with us. - Yes.

Let's drink to celebrate.

- I'll give you whatever you want.

You want more lines? Money? Whatever.

- She's breathing. She's breathing. Who is this character?

- This is a director. This is why I'm so upset.

- You're the reason that...

You're the reason she's having problems with her stress.

How can she act when she's full of stress?

- Listen, you can take that hairdo

and you can get a board, a surfboard and you can swim it.

And I don't know, but fuck off.

[suspenseful music] [door latch clicking]

- Oh wow. Check this out. [footsteps plodding]

Oh, look at those bodies. They are so real.

Wow. Look at that dead guy. His butt is amazing.

I bet your butt can look great too when they kill you.

- Freak. - Oh yeah. Oh wow.

Check this out. I think the beach is this way, guys.

- [Man] Will you knock it off. [laughs]

- Love to be force fed my own eyeballs?

- Are you the lifeguard for the nude beach?

- It's so cool.

- Not fair you got that cool costume?

- Oh man, what the hell is that?

That's not another vaccine, is it?

- How much did you pay for that perk?

[gloves rustling] [fluid spattering]

[group shrieking] [flesh hissing]

[suspenseful music continues] [group grunting]

[flesh squelching] [group screaming]

- This is not a house. This is a torture chamber.

- It's a... It is what it is, okay.

- But how can it go from us in a living room

in a normal house?

And then we go, oh, let's go to the bedroom and, you know,

cheat on each other. And then we go to this.

- Yes. - This is where...

Why would we come here?

- Because this is where you have sex.

And when they're watching you,

they're watching you have sex.

Is this, does this look right to you?

Does this seem right? - Yes. And also you-

- You would- - It looks right.

- This would be house sex?

- It looks right right now.

I mean, I love everything about it.

Were you here when I was talking to Chuck?

- You guys are both fools. This is... Forget it.

Just forget it. Forget it. - Listen.

Talk to your co-star. Figure it out.

Come to some sort of agreement

because this is the atmosphere.

- Now, Marley, when we do the scene,

when you do the nipple twist, do it right here

because the microphone's right here, all right?

- Okay. - Okay. Okay. Okay.

So you ready? - Uh-huh.

- Alright. Oh, darling, you're the most beautiful girl

I've ever seen in my entire life.

- [Marley] I echo those sentiments.

- [Teddy] You do? - [Marley] Yeah.

- [Teddy] You do? - [Marley] Yeah.

- [Teddy] Oh, you ready? Yeah. Take me. Come on. Come on.

Come on. [Teddy grunting]

Oh, my nipples. [Teddy grunting]

- You love it. You love it? - Ah, yes.

- Yeah. - Oh, okay.

- Perfect tension. [Teddy grunting]

Perfect tension, perfect tension. Titty pressure. Ooh.

[Teddy grunting] [Marley moaning]

[crowd clamoring] [Marley screaming]

- Whoa, whoa, Jess. Come on. Come, come on.

[blows thudding] [Teddy bellowing]

- No, this is my scene!

- What the fuck is going on, Jess?

What're you doing? - Hey, come on.

- What the hell, it's a nice sex scene.

- I'm sorry. - Sorry.

What the hell you doing? What's wrong?

- I'm method acting.

- Alright, let's take it from the top people.

And this time let's stick to the script.

- I know we're all stressed here,

but Harrison's ready to shoot

and he's probably bored as hell.

- I'm sure he will be fine. [inhales sharply]

And action. [lively music]

- I love you guys.

We should all get matching tattoos when this is all over.

[laughs] [lively music continues]

[suspenseful music] [vacuum beeping]

[vacuum whooshing] [crowd murmuring]

- Oh god that is nasty. - Wow.

- Oh my God. Oh. - Whoa.

- Oh no. [lively music continues]

- "Pay 2 Die" Scene 106, take one.

Sex scene. [clapper snapping]

- Oh, darling, you're the most beautiful specimen

I've ever laid my eyes on it in my entire life.

- I echo those sentiments. - You do?

- Yeah. - Oh. Oh my shame.

- I love your shame. - You like my shame?

- I love your shame. [Teddy moaning]

I love that shame. [Marley moaning]

- Hey, hey. Hold on, hold on. You're-

- What are you doing- - You're not doing this-

- We're doing a scene, what are you doing?

- You wanna make it look real, right?

- Yeah. - You wanna make it real?

- But we're filming. - It's the first time,

you need blood. - [Marley] Excuse me?

- Need blood. I'll show you how to do it. Come here.

[Marley screaming] [crowd clamoring]

- It's not approved. That was not approved.

Inappropriate. Off set. Off set. Off set.

- Get him out of here. - Charles!

What the fuck, Charles?

The only reason I put money in was for this sex scene.

Now look what you've done. My co-star is upset.

- You fucked it all up. - No, you fucked up.

When was all that makeup guy trying to kiss me?

- Did you have fun in the sex scene?

- Yeah, all these fucking [indistinct] said,

the mic's falling in my head. This is thing even plugged in.

- He's brain dead basically, it's not-

- Then why did you hire him?

- Because I felt sorry for him.

- Felt sorry for him. Okay, well figure it out, Charles.

Figure it out. The next take better be better.

You better figure it out. You better figure it out.

- That's real gas. [indistinct]

- Harrison, we need to get out of here.

[lively music] [group coughing]

[vacuum hissing]

[breathing deeply]

Cut. Wait, I already did cut.

Keep rolling anyway, do a monologue.

Maybe I can turn this into a podcast.

Good evening, I'm Charles [gentle music]

and I'm gonna take you on an adventure.

An adventure you may not want to go on.

It has to do with sex, and it has to do with fun,

and it has to do with friends. Goodnight everyone.

- Oh, I bet her [indistinct] touched this. Oh.

[inhales sharply] Oh, that's so Jess,

I love you. [ominous music]

Oh, I'm gonna take you to the outback.

And we're gonna have little Joey's together.

I'm gonna do some bush whacking.

- I echo those sentiments. - You do?

- Yeah. - Oh. Oh my shame.

- I love your shame. - You like my shame?

- I love your shame. - Oh. Oh.

The first lady that's liked my shame.

- Yes. [both moaning]

[laughs] - Teddy, look at you.

Put your 10 over there, huh? - Oh [indistinct].

- Loser. Man, yo dawg. Fuck, dawg, I'm gonna get in there.

[Dominic grunting] [suspenseful music]

- Oh, I love that shame. [Teddy shrieking]

[knife whooshing] [flesh squelching]

- Dominic. - Where's Tina?

- [Teddy] Where in the hell is Marley?

- It's like everyone just disappeared.

[ominous music] [footsteps plodding]

[Dominic grunting] [body thudding]

- I have a very important announcement to make.

I've planted explosions and this little device,

I like to call it, my action stick.

And when I press this button, it'll bring the house down.

[laughs] Yeah, bring the house down.

- I don't wanna die. I'm too young and hot to die.

- I've been an actor my whole an entire life.

It's all gone to hell in the hand basket.

It's dried up overnight.

Crowd funding, pay to play. [phone camera clicking]

Has anyone a a among you, even taken a little glimpse

at my demo reel or my audition tape? Of course not.

Speak the speech I pray you, for the action to the word

and the word to the action.

Do not cut the air thusly, but speak...

Well, you, listen, when you cast me,

I'll do the rest of the soliloquy for you. Okay.

Joe Estevez auditioning for the killer of "Pay 2 Die".

And scene. [ominous music continues]

You were too busy running to the bank,

cashing your checks from those delusional

sycophant people who think they're actors.

I am not the last of this breed.

There will be plenty of more real actors like me

to carry on this work. [ominous music continues]

- Still no response.

Oh, well, I'm gonna go in there and take some action now.

This oni is not going to be pretty.

[Rick grunting]

- Are there any of you that would like to say action?

[breathing deeply] [ominous music continues]

I guess I'll just have to do it by myself.

Action! [ominous music continues]

[Rick grunting] [flesh squelching]

[remote thudding] [body thudding]

- You're like my hero. - No one touches my Jess.

[footsteps plodding]

- Oh my God. Rick. Rick, you're my hero.

How could I repay you?

- Well, the show would be if you all followed me back.

[laughs]

- Rick, I'll follow you back. I'll follow you.

I'll follow you right now. I'll follow you.

- [Rick] All five accounts. - [Teddy] Yeah, all five.

[remote beeping] - Hmm.

What does this button do? - No!

[explosion booming] [lively music]

- Did anyone really think this movie

sounded like a good idea?

- Anybody that would pay money to be in a movie is a loser.

- You're not gonna get me to pay to be in one.

- Yeah, I might get myself that acting one.

[man farting]

- It's time for crowdfunding to die.

- In case you haven't heard, a bunch of people

who paid to be in a horror film got killed.

- Apparently anybody can act in the film.

It's being crowdfunded so you can pay to play, as they say.

- And you can star as a witness.

- Crowdfunding.

So where I give my hard earned money to a shitty director

so that they can make their terrible movie.

I guess it's better than some corporate machine

making movies in a boardroom by committee.

- Pretty sure this is gonna cause a bunch of idiots

to try to crowdfund their next masterpiece.

- According to the info I gathered,

crowdfunding online has been a thing for over a decade,

and I think it's a great opportunity

to get the community together to help someone fund a project

that they normally would not be able to afford.

- 20 years ago, I was in a bad horror film,

but I didn't pay to be in that.

- I'm gonna put in 1K.

- I'm glad I didn't get casted though.

I might've been killed.

- Well, I can't believe I almost gave money

to star on that film.

- I think it's safe to say

this movie won't be releasing anytime soon.

- So Dr. Adrian, we heard you once worked with Mr. Jacobs.

What was it like to work with him? What was he like?

- Oh, Mr. Jacobs. What a character.

He was an incredible actor,

but he was always so stressed out.

I tried to help him relax,

but it was like trying to calm a tornado

with a feather duster.

- Okay, this has definitely gone into a direction

that I wasn't expecting.

- Crowdfunding a indie horror film turns to numerous deaths.

- Your life is about to leave your body.

You're aboot to die.

- I am the king.

- One good kill deserves another.

[breathing deeply]

[laughs]

- You better hire me for this part.

- Ah, if this film had clowns in it, maybe I'd be into it.

- I might get one of those welcome roles.

- I hope Hollywood doesn't do this crap.

- No.

- I'm down to die in this film.

- You are not getting my money.

- No. No.

- I would totally do it if I could be the hero.

- Oh, I'm sure this is gonna be great.

- Pay to be in a film. How mental.

- Well, it's kind of interesting.

- I think you could have filmed a guy just eating cheesecake

for an hour and a half.

That would be time and money better spent.

- This is David Goldberg here on set of "Pay 2 Die"

with Teddy, one of the main actors here.

- Yes. - Very excited about this.

I'm a big fan of your work, Teddy.

- Well, you've have you've seen all my commercials.

- Yes. Yes. I've seen nearly all of them.

- Every one of my sex commercials you've seen.

- I've seen them and-

- What is your favorite one?

What, do you like the one that's called

the Super Clear Condom ones? You like those ones? [laughs]

- I like, yeah, the glow in the dark one was interesting

as well. - You liked That one?

Yes. You like that. - The Halloween special.

- The Halloween one? Yeah.

- I bet you that guy is bald under that hat.

- If you want me in your film, you're paying me.

- Pay to be in a film. [lively music]

What? - Get a job.

[cutlery jangling]

- This has to be a joke.

♪ Start some scary night to a scary week to a scary month ♪

- I wish I had paid to be in that movie.

♪ He closes the door ♪

♪ He locks the lock ♪

♪ He walks outside and looks at his phone ♪

♪ Oh no, it is the 31 ♪ - I'll see you around.

"Pay 2 Die" in peace.

♪ Watch [indistinct] such a scary sight ♪

♪ Everyone is dressed in black ♪

♪ There's witches, zombies and his neighbor, Jethro ♪

♪ He says to himself, it's just my luck ♪

♪ I'll go to bed ♪

♪ I'll suck it up. ♪

♪ I'll wake up tomorrow when it's not the 31st ♪

♪ The next day comes, he goes outside ♪

♪ He looks up, sees a moon in the sky ♪

♪ A bat flies over his head ♪

♪ He sees a zombie and he says hi ♪

♪ What a surprise ♪

♪ The zombie waves back with his head ♪

♪ Because it's the [indistinct] Halloween ♪