Original subtitles

Field trip worksheets, hot off the press.

What in the hot hell is this?

Today is "thee" day... two E's... that we go to Smith Memorial Playground.

We're not gonna be the only school there, but we did snag the last reservations.

And I made worksheets so that it can be educational.

This is gonna be, like, the best field trip ever.

Jacob, nobody needs this.

You pulled off a field trip with no money and no help. Baby, relax.

Yeah, we're going to the park.

- Kids don't wanna work. - Mm-mmm.

- We don't wanna work. - Mmm.

- Ava definitely doesn't wanna work. - [chuckles] I never do.

And today I get to not work while lounging in my air chair.

I love furniture that rhymes.

Yeah. So knock it off with the worksheets, or you're gonna ruin this trip.

Ah, Morton.

For all your flaws, I know you appreciate the value of education.

- Thanks, buddy. - [Melissa] Hmm.

You're a lifesaver.

["Hold 'Em" playing]

One for you.

One for you.

One for you.

Oh, here we go.

- [chuckles] Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

- [Janine] I'll see you. - [Gregory] Okay.

Gregory.

Just witnessed that interaction between you and Janine.

Putting on her coat for her was practically pornographic.

What's going on, man? Am I... Did I miss something?

- I'ma tell her how I feel. - Yay.

When I find the exact right time.

- Boo. - Look, I want it to go well this time.

Wait, is there a chance you might do it on the field trip?

When the time is right, the time is right. Whenever that may be.

Oh. On my field trip. [chuckles]

It's a little like proposing at somebody else's wedding.

But, you know, lucky for you, I'm not that kind of bride.

None of the kids wanna sit with me.

You confiscate one water balloon, and you are persona non grata around here.

- I'm just... - Uh, well, as much as I love a bus buddy,

maybe there's another open seat you'd prefer to sit in.

What are you talking about? [chuckles]

Let's just say a little birdie... [imitates cough] ...named Gregory told me

that he may have some very serious feelings for you.

Jacob, I need you to tell me the truth right now.

Did Gregory say that, or do you have a bird named Gregory?

My bird's name is Peter.

And you would know that if you ever came over to meet her.

- Basically... - Hey, Janine.

Just admit it.

You still like him, right?

Maybe.

Okay.

Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

But I already tried to tell him at the beginning of the year...

Okay. Well, you were different people then. We all were.

I was in a relationship and unhappy and now look at me.

I'm... I'm single and, you know, I'm fine.

Just... [clears throat]

Just go talk to him. Trust me.

Okay.

Hey. Oh.

Come here often? [chuckles]

- About once a year. - [chuckles]

Me too. Me too.

These field trips, they usually end in disaster.

It's crazy.

Well, maybe this year's field trip, we can break our unlucky streak.

Next stop, the park!

Whoo.

Nice to finally have some peace and quiet, huh?

In my head, things are as loud as ever.

With no kids around, I can finally take care of my to-do list.

But most pressing of all?

All these damn keys weighing my pants down.

I got duplicates, triplicates, four...

plicates.

My belt loops are rated 50 pounds or less, and suspenders are for freaks.

And if you think the seesaw is cool,

you should check out the fun-facts section of your...

Okay. No one's listening.

My air chair needs air, and there's no wind.

Try running north to south.

Miss Schemmenti, a kid pushed me.

Oh, no. You okay, kiddo? Which kid?

That kid over there from the other school.

Hey, how you doing?

So, I just was made to understand that there was some sort of incident

where your kid pushed my kid.

Well, actually I was told that your student shoved my student first, so...

Oh. Well, that's unfortunate.

Why don't we just have them apologize to each other?

Okay. Sure. I mean, I guess that's the right thing to do

no matter who shoved the other one first. Go ahead.

[both] Sorry.

- Huh? [chuckles] - Yeah. It's gonna be a great day.

- [Melissa] Yeah. - Yeah.

[Melissa] Oh, yeah. It can get like that between kids on the playground sometimes.

Especially right before snack time.

It's like a less violent version of the Squid Game.

I gotta tell you, I'm not loving the 'tude coming off that teacher though.

Alex, be careful. Your shoes are untied.

- [Alex grunts] - And he's down.

- Okay, I got Band-Aids. - Oh, no. He's back up.

It's all right. He's running it off. It's good.

Yeah, we did a pretty good job getting him to like school.

"Like" is a strong word, but he's here.

What kid would miss field trip day?

Uh, well, actually, I hated field trips as a kid.

It meant missing class.

Oh, right. I forgot. You're a nerd.

You sing Randy Newman songs to your plants.

- So who's the nerd, really? - [chuckles]

- You heard that? You did. - Yeah.

Do you mind taking a picture of me with my kids in the background?

- I barely have any from the year, so... - Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

Okay. Ready?

[Melissa] Don't go too far, where I can't see you.

[camera shuttering]

Got it?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Thank you.

Hey, are you a swinger?

What?

Do you wanna go on the swings?

- Oh, yes. - Yeah.

- I swing on the swings. - Swings.

Yeah. Do you wanna do them? The swings?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Look at 'em.

Those Liberty kids keep cutting our kids in line.

- Nah, it's just kids being kids. - [Melissa] Hmm.

See, my student, Torian? He's right up front.

Nobody's cutting...

- Ooh, just wait a minute now. - Hey.

[stammers] Hold on a second. Okay.

Let's... Let's not let this ruin my big day.

Okay. But you didn't see what happened

between me and one of the Liberty teachers earlier.

[Barbara] I am sensing a pattern here.

- Melissa. - Hmm?

I'm going to need some muscle and a sharp tongue.

- Well, let's go then. - Come on.

- [Jacob grunts] - [Melissa] Hey, nice to see you again.

Listen, your kids are on strike two, okay?

'Cause they seem to keep cutting our kids in line.

What? That is so interesting because, see,

our kids are saying that your kids are hogging all the saddle spinners.

So, I don't know, teach your kids to share.

- Do that. - [chuckles] No need to get snippy here.

Oh, no.

I see where these Liberty students

- get their manners. - [Melissa] Mm-hmm.

- What was that? - [Barbara] Nothing.

Why don't you watch your students? Why don't you, huh?

Yeah, we just, you know, want to keep things fair, all right?

All right, yeah. Well, you know, life's not fair.

You have to teach at Abbott, so...

- Excuse you? - The audacity.

No, we get to teach at Abbott.

Yeah, I get to be lactose intolerant.

- [chuckling] - [Barbara stammers]

[Jacob] She was being rude. I get it now.

- [Barbara] Thank you. - [Melissa] Okay.

I shouldn't punch someone in the park, right?

No.

Liberty everywhere you look.

Do they not understand the meaning of the word public?

I'm riled up.

You know, I thought if anyone was gonna ruin this field trip for the kids,

it was gonna be you.

Hey, Morton, are your students having any trouble with these Liberty kids today?

I honestly have no idea.

I've been angrily texting my ex-wife all morning.

She thinks she should get the grill.

What's a woman gonna do with a grill?

You're scum. Listen, these Liberty teachers must be stopped.

- [Melissa scoffs] - [Ava] Y'all need to let it go.

It's not that deep.

I'm trying to listen to An Oral History on the History of Oral Histories

and I can't hear it over all y'all's pettiness.

[teacher] A little help!

Hey, uh, that's our ball. Toss it back?

Just as far as you can.

I don't want you to hurt yourself.

It has got to be done.

- [students, teachers] Whoa. - Come on.

- Seriously? - [Melissa] Slow down.

You don't wanna hurt yourself.

How have we not talked about this?

- We haven't? - No.

Yeah. My favorite color is green. I'm a green guy.

- Wow. Green for your green thumb? - Mm-hmm.

- Okay. And my favorite color is blue. - Uh-huh.

- Not synthetic though. - Okay.

No. Blue like found in nature.

- Like fish or smurfs. - Fish or...

Can we get a turn?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah. Sorry. Okay.

Will only be a while.

Hmm.

If you could go faster, that would be great.

I'm all the way down to "no excuses."

Oh. Ugh.

Bug.

Take your time and be safe. You wanna keep your momentum, so you don't get stuck.

You know what? A little bit of help here, please.

All right, here you go.

Okay.

Thank you.

- Saved my life. - I don't know about all that.

No, you did. With my height, that's the equivalent of a two-story fall.

- Okay. I guess I did save your life then. - [chuckles] Yeah.

Pick that up from that EMT you've been hanging out with?

Maybe.

Is that bad?

No. Happy you learned something.

It's nice to just have a day with the kids and Gregory.

It feels good.

Feels great.

Ava doesn't like anyone going down there.

The basement? Why?

I don't know, but I see her going down there all the time.

Keys were bad enough. Now we got numbers? [scoffs]

What the hell, let's try: 6-9-6-9.

Sixty-nine percent of the time, it works sixty-nine percent of the time.

Well, I'll be...

[chimes]

Hello, Miss Coleman.

It's Mr. Johnson. But you're gonna learn that the hard way.

Okay, kiddos. Come on.

Let's go get us our lunch and get in the shade.

Oh, thank goodness. Let's get out of this sun.

Oh.

We had to move your little lunches.

I hope it's not a problem.

That was supposed to be our spot.

They threw our lunches into the sun.

I have never known evil like that, and I have been to a Cowboys home game.

You two. Where have you been?

We're at war here.

- War? - With the park?

Gregory. Uh.

Walk with me for a moment. I could... I could use some air.

We're already outside.

Well, then it won't take long.

[Gregory] Okay. So what's this about a war?

[chuckles] You're a peacetime teacher, Gregory. This isn't for you.

I merely wanted you alone to ask how the bus chat went.

Was it the right time?

No, not yet. We were having a really good time by the swings,

but then whilst taking a picture of her, Manny sent her a text

asking her to go to dinner.

Oh, no. Not the beard.

That's what's different.

I don't care about the text.

If anything, it just motivates me more to tell her how I feel.

My man.

So, we...

Next time we're alone, it's happening.

Wow.

It's like a Hallmark movie.

Janine is the city girl,

and you're the rough-and-tumble guy who tends a garden,

and I am the guy

watching that movie.

You know, hot PB&J is considered a delicacy in a lot of places.

It's like a panini, basically.

So, we're being fancy. [chuckles]

Ha! Y'all did this to y'all selves.

Ava, you're deflating.

Hey.

How are your warm, toasty sandwiches?

What'd you say about our sandwiches?

You know what, why don't we just not interact for the rest of the afternoon?

We are about to take our students to the slide, so you all have a nice day.

Actually, we're going to the slide right now. So...

- Say what? - Oh, my God. Let it go.

This is stupid playground beef.

Y'all are being more childish than the kids.

Soror!

Crystal?

- Crystal. - This is your school?

This is my school.

Okay. Let's fight these bitches.

A soror war.

You and your teachers have been messing with my school all day.

Before, when it had no effect on me, I was disengaged.

But now that my podcast has ended, and my chair is deflated,

this is personal.

It's time to end this.

And how do you suppose we do that?

Relay race.

Yeah!

Winner takes all!

The slide and the pride!

Yeah!

So just those two things!

I guess you're forgetting, I was on the track team.

Oh. [chuckles] I know you're a runner. Mm-hmm.

- That's a Chicago term for a ho. - I didn't know that.

Yeah. Ebonics or AAVE, it changes from state to state.

Jacob, Jacob.

Today, these two crews: Abbott Elementary...

And Liberty Rings!

[cheering]

...will battle it out... will battle it out park style.

A relay race through the playground.

You all know the risks.

That's what you signed up for.

And winner gets dibs on the big wooden slide.

[cheering]

Yes!

All right, here we go. Here we go. Let's go.

- Why? You don't know how to light it. - [Gregory] This is kinda nice.

- The big slide all to ourselves. - Mm-hmm.

Our kids are so excited about the relay race. They...

- So are our adults. - [chuckles]

So, should we slide?

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Just use the oven. Whatever. - [Janine] Thanks.

Have you slidden before?

- No. No, I don't, typically. - Oh.

Clear eyes, full hearts, elbows out, hip checks,

whatever it takes. Let's be aggressive out there.

- Yeah. - Wait. Where's Janine and Gregory?

Oh, who cares? Janine would just slow us down. She's got little limbs.

And let's be real, Gregory's never really been one of us.

Look, we need everybody.

I can't carry this team all by myself.

- [Melissa] Mmm. All right. - Fine. I'll go find them.

Thank you.

[Gregory] You ready?

Born ready.

[both laughing]

- [Janine sighing] - [both chuckling]

Look, Janine. Um.

I wanted to tell you...

Now, what the hell going on here?

Sorry. I had to take a call from my ex-wife.

I wasn't talking to you.

Ugh. Never date someone you work with.

[Ava] Wait, what'd you say?

- [Mr. Morton sighs] It's a long story. - No, please.

Some of us need to hear it.

Well, me and my ex-wife, we were both teachers.

Our classes were right next to each other. And we eventually got together.

Oof. Sounds so familiar.

Did you take it to HR?

'Cause when I used to date the other cashier at Cold Stone Creamery,

policy stated, if we didn't report it, they wouldn't like it or love it.

In fact, they gotta have it reported to HR,

or it would have been "berry, berry, berry" bad.

Well, we did.

- And they warned us, but we ignored it. - [Ava] Mmm.

[Mr. Morton] And at first, everything was wonderful. A dream.

But then things got rocky.

We fought, and there was no escape from it.

[Ava] That's right.

Home, school, the lunchroom, recess,

field trips, parks, slides.

She was just there.

Always there.

I eventually had to change schools, take less money,

crappy studio apartment, forced to work with Mr. Hill.

Oof. I feel that.

And now, I have several ulcers...

- [Ava] Mmm. - ...all because I dated a coworker.

Mm-mm-mmm. Thank you, Mr. Morton.

It was illuminating for all of us.

Now, if you two would stop acting like a couple of schoolkids,

we gotta go win the relay race.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

I've been thinking so much about it going right,

I made the mistake of not considering it going wrong.

So I have to hold off.

But Jacob's right though. Morton sucks.

I'm 20 pounds lighter and finally done.

My pants won't have to sag anymore.

I couldn't find a match for this last one, so it's going in the trash.

Oops. Forgot my car keys.

[sighs]

[breathes heavily]

[sighs]

[bleep]

- Everyone know what they're doing? - Yes.

Wait. I want the monkey bars.

What? You got a bet on the other team or something?

- Janine. I really don't think... - No, no, no, I can do it.

- She can. - Thanks.

Fine. Gregory, you got the tricycle things,

so try not to mess it up. [chuckles]

[Melissa] Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- [teacher] Let's get it. - [Jacob] Come on.

Let's have a good, clean race.

Clean? Girl, I knew you in college.

On your mark.

Get set.

- Go! - Let's do it. Let's do it.

[all screaming, shouting]

Hey, wait a second!

- [Crystal] Ava! - [person] Cheater!

- [Ava] One, two, three, go! - [screams] Whoa!

- [Crystal] Okay, go. Go, go, go, go! - [Ava] Go! Go!

- [teacher] Clap his hand, Jacob! - [Gregory] Yes!

[teacher] Come on, Gregory. Let's go!

- [Janine] Go, Greg! - [Jacob] Go, Greg!

Let's go! Don't fall!

[Barbara] Yes, Melissa!

[Gregory] Yes. Beautiful!

[person] Oh, my God!

Go, go, go!

[teacher] Here we go. Here we go.

[Melissa] Go, Janine!

- [Gregory] She can! - [Barbara] Fly, Janine.

- Fly. - [Melissa] Come on!

- [Barbara] Yes! - [Melissa] Go, Janine!

Go, Janine!

Come on, Janine.

Come on. Put it all in.

I'm not physical in this way.

- One more, Janine! One more. - [Janine] Okay!

Stop dancing, Janine. Stop!

- Sorry. - Thank you.

- [Jacob] You got this! - [person] Let's go!

[Jacob] You got this!

[Melissa] Go, Barb, go!

Go, go!

Satan right behind you, girl.

- [Jacob] Yeah! - Yeah! [laughs]

- You're welcome, kids. - [Barbara] Yes.

Kids?

Wait, where did all the kids go?

[kids laughing, screaming]

Looks like the children can get along quite well without us.

- Okay, but her kid shoved my kid. - No. Your kid did shove my kid.

We're done.

I guess the adults are to blame here.

I'm sorry, soror.

And I'm sorry

that we had to beat your ass.

- [Melissa] Boom! [chuckles] - [Jacob] Sorry.

[exclaims]

Took you long enough.

Mr. Johnson, what you doing outside?

While I was thinning out my keys, I locked myself out.

No way back in, so I guess there's no more school forever.

Yeah!

If it was that easy, I would have locked us out years ago.

Out of my way, I gotta pee.

Lucky for me, I found that brand-new bathroom to use.

- Please tell me you didn't use it. - Use it?

Baby, I abused it.

No.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no! - Jacob.

I gotta hand it to you, man.

I thought this whole field trip was gonna be terrible.

Just a bad idea from start to finish. But...

Best field trip ever?

- Best field trip ever! - [kids] Yeah!

Smith Playground champions, baby.

That's right.

Look, I said you're not getting the grill.

Hey, um, I guess it's time to go inside.

Cool. I'm gonna, um, see if Jacob needs help with anything.

Okay.

I'll see you tomorrow?

Yeah.

You a little sore?

Forget a charley horse. I got a charley polo team in my hamstrings.

- Charley polo team. - [sighs]

Like Ralph Lauren.

Shut up, Gregory.

I said nothing.

But I did tell you all to stretch.

You all look ridiculous.

Us? What about you?

Where does your waist end and your neck begin? [chuckles]

If that's supposed to be a pickup line, it's working.