Original subtitles

(Narrator) Folks! You've got a copy of this morning's paper. You've probably

read about the daring exploits of this brave, young soldier.

His name is Danny Weems.

Here he is on an island in the South Pacific,

where single handed he captured 20 Japs!

Imagine that!

Well, he wasn't always this fearless fighting man.

No, sir-ee!

On another island, in the Atlantic,

six short months ago,

bright and early one morning in this old school house,

a group of public spirited citizens were discussing our hero.

Order no. 1437

What are all those papers attached to his questionnaire?

Oh, those a list of his ailments.

There wasn't room on the regular form.

Show this to Campbell.

You'd better have a look at this, Dr. Campbell.

Name is, uh... Daniel Weems

Oh, yes. I know this man.

I suspect every doctor in New York does.

He's a confirmed hypochondriac.

Give you an idea of how bad he is, Maxwell,

He got himself a job running an elevator in the Manhattan Medical Clinic

just so he could be near doctors and nurses.

Oh, then those diseases of his are just imaginary, huh?

Why, according to him he has everything from

hoof and mouth disease to the galloping willies.

And listen to this...

"Nervous indigestion", "nervous digestion",

and look there,

"high blood pressure" and "low blood pressure",

"flat feet" and "rising arches"

And there's one disease there he must have found in the dictionary,

"ichthyosis colitis"

If there were such a thing, it could only happen to a fish.

Well, I hope he enjoys his diseases today.

He's due for a shock in the next mail.

1A? All: 1A!

Going up, please.

Oh, hello, Dr. Jones! Step right in.

I was hoping to see you.

I'd like you to have a look at my liver.

It's only three flights, and I'll walk up.

Oh, but Dr. Jones!

Oh, Dr. Weavermacher?

Taint it with iodine.

Taint what?

Who cares?

Good morning.

Good morning.

You're looking better, Mr. Higginbotham.

I feel great!

18 holes of golf and the day is just a puppet.

Just seeing the doctor for my final check up.

Good morning. Good morning, sir good morning.

(cough)

Not doing you much good, is he?

Oh, yes. I feel much better.

You looked better three months ago.

Oh, come now.

What's the matter?

Your eyes.

They blink.

Oh, everybody's eyes blink.

Yeah?

Everybody's eyes blink once a second.

Yours blink twice.

Twice? Hmm.

Well, is that bad?

Oh, no.

Except if it works back.

Works back?

Well, what will happen?

Oh, if I told you the truth it would only make it worse..

A man in your condition shouldn't get himself upset.

Oh, I'm all right. I'm all right!

I don't know.

In my job I see people come and go all the time.

Hoo! We just passed the 7th!

What are you stopping for?

I just remembered.

Only last week a fellow wanted the 16th floor, just like you did.

Well, I got him as far as the 8th, and ffffft, he was gone.

Maybe I should have stayed in bed.

Of course you should. Let me see your tongue.

No! Put it back! It's contagious and now you've exposed me to it.

Well, what'll happen to us?

Us? Don't say, "us". I haven't got it yet.

Oh, well, what is it? What have I got?

Don't hold back on me. Tell me! Tell me!

Well, it looks like polynary morpheosis.

It strikes without warning.

You'll be coming to your office one day, and then suddenly...

(has a fit)

And then you'll be all right for a few days.

and then... (has a fit)

Do you mean to tell me that I'll be... (throws a fit)

You see? It's started already.

Your skin is turning green.

Your knees are beginning to buckle!

And in just a second, ffffft, you'll be gone.

Oh, water, water! Please, give me a glass of water.

Water.

Water!

Dr. Freyheisen. Dr. Freyheisen!

Dr. Fre... Man just fainted. Dr. Freyheisen!

(knocks on door)

Dr. Freyheisen. Dr. ...

Dr. Freyheisen. It's... It's Mr. Higginbotham again.

What?!?

All I did, doctor, was...

Oh, doctor.

I told you to keep away from my patients!

Doctor, why is your hand trembling like that?

Because I'm mad, you idiot! That's why.

But, doctor. That wouldn't make it purple.

It's not purple!

One, two, three.

It is purple!

Except for the green and yellow streaks.

Where?

There.

(gasps)

Go away from me, you maniac!

Get away! Get out!

But, doctor...

Shut up!

Doctor, you shouldn't yell like that. It's bad for you.

I will yell!

All right, yell!

But, remember Dr. Flugle.

He used to yell.

He came it an 9 one morning, and at 9:05, ffffft...

he was gone.

Well, let me tell you something.

If you're here at 9 tomorrow morning,

at 9:05, ffffft, you'll be gone.

Oh, but, doctor. You don't...

(slam)

Here, drink this.

What is this?

Water. I heard you calling for it.

Water.

Just plain ordinary water.

Oh, Virginia. You know I never drink anything but Jupiter Springs #3, distilled.

Oh, well don't worry about it.

See?

And don't worry that Freyheisen. He just likes to make a lot of noise.

Um hmm.

Come on into my office for a minute. I've got something I want to show you.

All right.

Oh, you mean the liver extract's arrived?

Hey, you're going to be alright! You look much better today.

I do?

Uh-huh.

Oh, well wait until you see me tomorrow. I expect to have a very bad night.

Oh, ho he he dear.

Virginia, do you really think I'm strong enough to get married?

Well, of course!

If you married a nurse...

Virginia, you're right.

I'll do it!

Danny!

Co'mere.

Come closer.

Look into my eyes.

Oh, Danny.

Ever since the first day we met I've been wanting to say this.

Yes, Danny?

You're the most wonderful girl in the world.

Oh, Danny.

And I love you.

Darling.

I want you to be my wife, Mary.

Mary?!?

Well, whom did you think I was talking to?

I was only practicing.

Oh, fine.

I light the fire and she's cooking with it.

I see what you mean.

Well anyway, how about the proposal, Virginia? Do you think it'll work?

Oh, I don't see how it could miss.

I don't know how she could resist you.

Well, I... I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world

No...

No

Mary likes me more than you know.

It's the little things she said, and...

...the little things she doesn't say.

Mostly the things she doesn't say.

Yes.

Well, thanks Virginia. I gotta go now, but

thanks for letting me use you.

Oh, hello Mary!

Hello, Danny. Any new symptoms today?

Oh, Mary.

Uh, Mary. You haven't forgotten about tonight?

I've got a lot of things to tell you, and uh,

one of them is very important. You haven't forgotten that?

No, of course I remember, Danny.

This is the night I promised to go to a movie with you.

Yeah, and meet my friend, Joe.

He's going to take us to dinner.

Gee, you look pretty.

Hey, Danny, why don't we ask Virginia to come along?

No! We don't want her.

Oh, uh, I mean, uh...

Oh, thanks a lot.

Oh, excuse me, but...

...I know you've got a date or something.

She's got a date or something. Haven't you?

No. No, I'm perfectly free.

Thanks, great.

No! We can't, Mary. I mean,

That would ruin everything. Joe was going to pay for the dinner

(whispering) and we just can't take people along...

Oh, I don't mind. We can go Dutch or something.

Oh, we'll have a wonderful time, Danny. A double date.

We'll sort of pair off.

No, I'm... That's out of the ques...

Pair off? That might be fine.

(buzz)

Oh, there's the elevator. I'll pick you up at six.

(buzz)

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Ooo. Ah. Mmmm.

Lovely.

Please.

Milk

Hey, uh... What kind of milk is this?

Cow's milk.

Cow's milk?

I didn't order cow's milk.

Haven't you got any goat's milk?

No.

Our goat is out shooting pool with some friends.

Have you got any vitamized milk?

My friend, this is the Chalet San Moritz.

You want the Polyclinic Hospital

Perhaps

Now , wait a minute. If you haven't got what he asked for, okay.

But we can do without the jokes, understand?

Indeed.

What seems to be the trouble?

I bring milk to this man and he starts and argument with me.

What?

Please. I must ask you to be careful how you talk to my waiters.

Oh, just a minute...

I warn you...

One more incident like this and I quit!

Ernst!

Ernst, you are just tired.

You've been working too hard.

Go out for a while and have a smoke.

Take tomorrow off.

I think it over.

Please.

Well, how do you like that!?

Danny, I know a place that specializes in vitamized milk

You do?

Uh, huh.

It's one of the hot spots in town.

Come on, I'll take you there.

All right.

Oh, I was supposed to sit this dance out with Mary.

Oh, no, go ahead, Danny. We'll meet you in front of the theater.

Are you sure you don't mind?

Oh, I can hardly wait. You know I'm just crazy about vitamized milk.

Oh, we'll see you at the movies, huh?

Hehehe

There's only one Danny.

Yeah, he's quite a guy.

And he's pretty stuck on you.

You know that, don't ya?

Yes.

I don't know what to do about it.

I've tried to tell him, but he's got the funniest way of twisting your words around.

I can't come right out with it.

Besides, Joe. He's got so many other troubles.

At least he thinks he has.

Well, uh. I don't want to hurt him.

You're a pretty nice person, Mary.

You're okay yourself.

- Would you like to dance? - Oh, I'd love to, Joe.

Step up, it will be a short wait for all seats.

Keep moving, people.

Step up, it will be a short wait for all seats.

Keep moving.

Two general, please.

Step up, it will be a short wait for all seats, please.

- Here you are, Mrs. Willoughby. - Thank you.

And take two everyday and three on Sundays.

And holidays.

Oh, come on.

Ha ha ha

See, as I was telling you, I only get $22.50 per week.

But I figure Mary could work a little while after we're married.

Yes

You know, I haven't decided yet about the proposal.

I don't know whether to blurt it out or kinda lead up to it.

- What do you think? - Well, I don't know.

Maybe I can help.

Why don't you marry him, Mary?

Oh, I'd love to.

- Except I'm Virginia. - Yeah - Oh

Then you must be Joe!

(laughing)

No, no. I'm Mary. Um, I m-m-mean, Danny.

(laughing)

- (laughing) - Come on, Joe.

Yoo hoo!

- Oh, there they are! - Hello

That's them. The one on the right's Mary.

She's pretty, isn't she.

Oh, Joe, Mary, this is Mrs. Willoughby. She's 46 years old and has seven children.

Her husband the baker gets $88 a week

(laughing)

- How do you do? - How do you do?

How do you do, you two?

(laughing)

Oh! We've lost our place.

Now look what happened, we lost our place.

Why didn't you get here?

Well, I'm glad you did get here because now we gotta get outta here.

What?

- Why? - What are you talking about, why?

The lobby is full of people and the people are full of germs.

But we came to see the picture.

I don't see why, Joe. These musical pictures are all alike.

If you've seen on, you've seen them all.

Supposin' we do go in and we do get a seat.

And the woman in front does take her hat off and you do get to look up at the screen

What do you see?

♪ (Overture) ♪

♪ Manic Depressive Pictures, presents... ♪

(lion roar)

(lion roar)

♪ Hello, fresto, ♪ ♪ goodbye ♪

♪ Produced by, ♪ ♪ R. U. Manic. ♪

♪ And directed by, Depressive. ♪

Now you know the name of the picture and you'd like to see it.

But, no.

♪ Screenplay by Gluck from a stage play by Motz ♪

♪ from a story by Bip from a chapter by Ron ♪

♪ from a sentence by Doach ♪ ♪ from a comma by Stokes ♪

♪ from an idea by Grokes ♪

♪ based on Joe Miller's jokes. ♪

Now you know the name of the picture and who wrote it.

And you'd still like to see it.

But, no.

♪ Art direction Finker Puffin, ♪ ♪ interiors Minerva Buffer, ♪

♪ photography Alonzo Tech, ♪ ♪ recorded on the needle beck ♪

♪ A postery by Zachary, ♪ ♪ knick-knackery by Hackery ♪

♪ Terpsichore by Hickory, ♪ ♪ and dickory by Doc. ♪

Now, finally. At last comes the picture.

And what'll we see.

The same old beautiful chorus girls.

The opening scene is a ranch in Fresno, California.

So, what are they singing?

♪ When it's cherry blossom time in Orange, New Jersey ♪

♪ We'll make a peach of a pear. ♪

♪ I know we cantaloupe. Come honeydew be mine. ♪ ♪ And if... ♪

Up from the gulch rides a hunk of man. He is a hero, Cowboy Dan.

A gallopin' and yodelin' buckaroo

His horse, of course, if a baritone, too.

♪ I've... got... that... ♪

♪ (bad yodeling) Old... ♪ ♪ wagon wheel inside of me. ♪

Yeah, huh, hoo!

♪ (bad yodeling) I've got that old... ♪ ♪ cactus in the hide of me. ♪

Yeah, huh, hoo!

The girls are delighted to here this.

(giggling)

But where is our heroine?

As the bell rings for lunch (bell rings)

We find the heroine in the corral eating her heart out.

♪ (William Tell Overture begins) ♪

She is Mary Sue Ann, the tap dancing girl of an American juggling act

that was left of the doorstep of an old English castle.

Where she was found by Sir Basil Metabolism who stands there...

By Jove, a girl baby. I shall raise her as my own daughter.

Which he did.

But she want's to tap dance at Cowboy Dan who she met on the strip

It was love at first sight, who wants to marry him so she can tap dance

But she knows Sir Basil will never permit this

Never, never, never!

(gasp)

That's why she is eating her heart out, 'cause she wants to tap dance.

But through her tears she is singing a happy little song

Because she's also a coloratura soprano

♪ (Nonsense singing over opera music) ♪

♫

She is beside herself.

He favorite position.

She rushes to her father

Oh, father! You must let me marry Cowboy Dan!

He owns the biggest ranch in Texas.

Bar None

Cowboy Dan cannot believe his ears.

"Bar None"

For that's the password of the FBI.

It's can't be!

- No, no. - Yes, yes.

- No, no. - Yes, yes.

- No, no. - Yes, yes.

- No, no. - Yes, yes.

It can't be!

But it was.

He rushes to Mary Sue Ann

"Mary Sue Ann, you must help me!"

"Can you tap out a message in code?"

This is her big chance. Now she can tap dance.

Which she does.

But what has she done?

She has betrayed her own father. But he isn't her father!

He's Heinrich von Schluten... (German-sounding gibberish)

Hmm?

The dangerous German spy.

What?

Yes!

(screams)

Stick up your hands you dirty rat.

(German-sounding gibberish)

The FBI finally captures the German spy

Dan and Mary about to blend. You think the picture's about to end?

But no.

Who ever heard of a musical picture without Carmelita Pepita

The Bolivian bombshell.

♫

I wish you could come with me to my little village in Bolivia.

So peaceful. There are the purple mountains with the lovely mist and the shining stars.

And the little people who live so simple and quiet.

And every night, all they want to do is...

Conga!

♪ (Conga music) ♪

♫

♪ Coyote pierde usted en maracas ser Conga ♪

♫

♪ (Spanish-sounding gibberish) ♪

♫

♪ (Spanish-sounding gibberish) ♪

♫

♪ Conga! ♪

♪ Conga! ♪

♪ Conga! ♪

First thing is the opening chorus, where the cherry blossoms are...

That Danny's doing alright. That must be his third bottle of milk.

He's going to drink himself white.

- He's quite a guy - Yes, he is.

He's going to make some woman a wonderful medicine cabinet someday.

Shhh!

Well, I guess I'd better go in now.

It's pretty late.

Holy smoke, it's after two!

I didn't even realize.

I had a grand time, Joe.

Thanks for letting me tag along. I had a swell time too.

I enjoyed every minute of it.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Well, goodnight, Joe.

'night.

- Oh, Mary? - Yes, Joe?

Joe and Mary just met tonight so they have a lot to talk about.

Joe is a great little talker.

I can never think of anything to say. Can you?

You see, I was going to ask her to marry me tonight. I only make

$22.50 a week but I was going to ask her to marry me anyway.

I just didn't get around to it.

There were too many people around.

We're having a good time, aren't we?

See, we're out on a double date. Joe is with Virginia and I'm with Mary.

You want some milk, Virginia?

(horse neighs)

Say, what's the matter with that horse of yours?

He keeps breathing in all the time never breaths out.

Well, I'll tell you the truth, bub, but I don't want it to get around.

He ain't really a horse, he's a vacuum cleaner.

Gee, I'm awful glad you like Mary, Joe, and

I'm glad she likes you, because if the two of you didn't

hit it off maybe I'd feel different about what I'm gonna do.

What do you mean, Danny? What are you gonna do?

Well, you were with her all evening, didn't she tell you?

We're in love.

We're going to get married.

Well, Danny...

Maybe you'd better think it over for a while.

Have you asked her?

No, not right out.

But Mary understands.

The only thing keeping us apart right now is my varicose veins. (laughs)

I sure know how to pick 'em, don't I, Joe?

Yeah, you sure do.

But, uh. Maybe you'd better wait, Danny.

Things might be different.

But I don't wanna wait, Joe.

You know a girl like Mary is awful easy to fall in love with.

She might meet somebody else and then where would I be?

Yeah.

Er, look...

Well, let's get some sleep now. We'll talk about it some other time.

(Danny yawns)

Oh, there's a letter here for you, Danny.

Oh, I'll look at it in the morning. It can't be anything important.

Oh.

Joe?

Huh?

I wish you hadn't told me about that letter.

Now I won't be able to sleep wondering what's in it.

Then why don't you get up and open it?

Hum, well it might be bad news and then I'll never sleep.

Well, then don't open it.

But I don't open it I'll be wondering what's in it and I'll be awake all night.

Oh, all right all right. I'll open it myself or you'll keep me awake all night.

Oh.

What's the matter?

It's nothing.

Then why did you go, "huh?"

Oh, just a little something in my throat I guess.

Oh.

That letter must be about something, Joe. Nobody send you a letter with nothing in it.

Open it up.

What is it?

Oh, nothing important, Danny. Just an ad or something.

It'll keep 'til morning.

Oh, well, if it's only an ad, tear it up and throw it away.

I can't do that. You know it's unpatriotic to throw away paper.

So why did you throw away the envelope?

Well, the envelope's just a little piece of paper. That's a big piece of paper.

Somebody went to a lot of trouble to print it.

Go to sleep for the love of Mike.

Oh, I'm too nervous to sleep now, Joey. You got me all upset.

(wheeze)

(Narrator) To Daniel Weems,

Joe!

Greetings,

It's from the president of the United States!

Having submitted yourself to the local board

for the purpose of determining your availability

for service in the armed forces of the United States,

you are hereby notified that you have now been

selected for training and service in the Army

Joe

Did you hear that?

What?

Oh, nothing. I was so nervous that I thought I he...

Joe, I'm drafted!

They drafted me!

They can't take me, Joe.

Of course I'd like to be in the Army, but

they make soldiers hike 30 miles a day.

I walk half a block and I get palpitations

even with my arch support.

I'd probably slow up the whole company, and

lose the maneuvers, and be dishonorably discharged, and

come home and I wouldn't be able to get a job any place.

All my friends would be laughing at me (crying)

Danny, take it easy, take it easy.

Joe

You gotta go over to the draft board and explain to them about me

Well, I can't go now. It's 3 o'clock in the morning!

It is?

Well, you oughta go over and get in line.

(moans)

Maybe he's not really sick, but he thinks he is.

And that amounts to the same thing.

Well, the Army may be a tough pill for him to swallow

but, I think it'll do the trick, Mr. Nelson.

I can't figure it. You'd take fellows like Danny, and

- me, I've been here dozens of times. - Mr. Nelson

You've been supporting your father in Chicago, isn't that right?

Yeah, but he's not so old. He could find some way to get along.

Well, this oughta be good news for you then.

You won't have to worry about your father anymore.

He's been drafted.

- What? - That's right, son, and so are you.

You're in 1A.

Huh?

1A? All: 1A!

Well, whaddya know.

(stamp) Next case!

♪ (Reveille) ♪

And so, after many months of strenuous training

fresh air, regular hours, and nourishing food

Danny has become a new man.

Or, has he?

My doctor's telling me I'm not sick just because they can't find anything the matter with me.

You never looked better in your life, junior.

What!?! (sniffles)

- The Army agrees with you. - (blows)

- The regular hours, the exercise. - (cough, wheeze)

- (moans) - Last night you ate two steaks

Eh, that's one of the worst symptoms. Ova-hunga.

(sniffles)

- (cough) - You'd better get rid of

that family drug store you got there, too.

Before long we're gonna be carrying only what we can carry.

Get rid of that? (glass clanking) Oh, look at that.

See how nervous I am?

I spill it all over Mary's letter.

And right on the part where she says I'm the nicest fellow in the world.

- By the way, where is she now, Danny, still in Colorado? - Yeah.

Still visiting that Aunt of hers.

- Funny, I never knew she had one there. - Weems!

- Nelson! - Here!

Come here you guys.

I got a little detail for ya.

Oh, Sergeant, we were just getting ready for weekend leave!

Oh, that's tough.

A couple of lieutenants just arrived with a few bags and we're fresh outta Red Caps.

They're waiting for ya at the sentry gate.

Come on.

There goes our leave.

You know if I don't get a rest pretty soon I'm gonna have to have an operation!

They can't operate on you, junior.

With all those pills inside of ya you'd roll off the table.

(sneezes)

Sergeant Gelsey reporting with detail as requested.

Thank you Sergeant.

Hey, Joe, look it! They've been drafted!

- Well, how about that? - Isn't it wonderful?

Don't they look great, Joe?

Gee, I don't know whether to salute you or kiss ya.

You'd better salute 'em soldier.

Enlisted me don't talk to officers except in the line of duty.

- And don't forget it. - Yes, Sergeant.

That's right, Sergeant.

How do you do, sir, er... ma'am. Er... at your service!

Is that better ma'am, uh... Sergeant.

- Get their bags and snap into it! - Yes, sir.

Take them down to that hotel.

Swell double date. You can't even talk to the girls.

Why don't you stay in town overnight?

I bet you can find a nice room at the YMCA.

Gee, you look great in a uniform.

But I always think of you with a blue ribbon in your hair.

I'm so glad you didn't grow a mustache like you said you would.

You know I entered your picture in a beauty contest at Camp.

You came in third.

Wasn't it awfully hard to get used to living in a room with sixteen fellas?

You know if I had known you were going to enlist

I'd never have sent you those silk stockings.

Oh, don't forget to remind me, I brought you a box of cigars.

Hey, uh, I wanna get you some flowers.

Is there anything in regulations that says

you can't wear flowers when you're in uniform?

Here! I was gonna take these home to my wife.

But I'll get her a dirty hat instead.

(bustling street noise)

Good, good.

- Here, Danny - Oh, no

- Here! - No, thank you.

And a zebra.

There.

That doesn't look like a swan. It's looks like a wombat or something.

(laughing)

A swan is like this.

You call that a swan?

- Yeah, that's a swan, with a stiff neck. - (laughs)

(laughter)

Here, hold you arm like this.

Twist this finger.

Gee, you hand is cold!

Oh, it'll get warm.

If you hold it awhile.

I suppose you'll be leaving soon, Joe.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Will you write to me?

Danny will be writing to you every day.

He'll keep you posted about me.

How about you keeping me posted about Danny?

I don't want to do anything to hurt him, Mary.

And you know how he feels about you.

It just seems kind of a bad time to knock

the pins out from under him, don't you think?

I guess you're right.

I wish there were some way to...

...wrap up a night like this...

...take it along.

So do I.

Well, at least we made beautiful shadows together.

Mary?

What, Joe?

I know how to make a wonderful, shadow.

Joe! Mary!

(grunts) Watch it young fellas.

Hey, wait til you see what I found.

Virginia's over there now.

You can make one for me, and Joe can make one for Virginia.

Or, they can put all four of us on one.

(laugh) Gee, I won't mind being separated from you now, Mary.

Well, of course I'll mind but it won't be so bad.

What on earth are you talking about?

Well, for Pete's sake, Mary I just told you.

We found a place right near here where you can put your own voice on a record.

Well, uh...

None us know where we're headed, or when.

It's kind of a mixed up world.

You just get started to really know somebody, and...

...next thing you know

you're telling them goodbye.

Well, all I can say is...

...good luck to us all.

(applause) Oh, that's great. Mary, you go.

(loudly) Well, I never liked...

I never liked goodbyes, and...

...and this way I get kind of a funny feeling

knowing you'll be playing this, when we're

thousands of miles apart.

Hurry back, I'll be waiting.

(laughs) Danny, take good care of yourself.

As if I have to tell you.

Well, I... ...I guess that's all.

Bless you both.

Oh, gee, Mary. That was wonderful.

Gee, Mary. That was wonderful.

I'll be playing that record all the time and

hearing your voice no matter where they send us.

It'll be just like you were there.

In the mic. (clears throat)

What's the matter, keep on talkin'!

(clears throat)

Say that again.

Keep on talkin'!

What's that clicking in your throat?

- Clicking? - Yeah, you've got enlarged tonsils.

They didn't get 'em all out when they operated, did they?

Nobody operated. Not on me.

- Look. - Ahhh ha!

That explains everything

You should be on the table right now.

You know there's lots of people walking around don't know how sick they are.

Oughta be in hospitals.

Get your fresh shrimp!

That shrimp is here!

- Beat it you! - Ah, button your lip.

Think you're a big shot just because you're making a lot of noise around here.

(dog barking)

Shrimp!

(car horn honking)

(honking) (bark, bark, bark)

(bark, bark, bark)

Shut up!

- (bark) - Get outta here!

- (bark, bark) - Ah, shut up.

- (bark) - Oh, Virginia, that thing's still going!

You have to have your turn!

- Hurry! - Oh, that one tickles.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute

folks, wait a minute.

Hold it, hold it.

No, this is turning out to be a fine record.

No look, you got three minutes left.

Will you see if you can do a little better on the rest of it?

Well, I don't know anything to say.

But I want to give you something to remember me by.

Would anybody be surprised if I sang a song at this point?

Well, it's about time.

(needle scratch)

♪ ("Now I Know" by Dinah Shore) ♪

♪ I used to be bewildered, ♪

♪ my outlook on life wasn't clear; ♪

♪ Then, all at once, ♪

♪ The mist seemed to disappear! ♪

♪ Now I know ♪

♪ Why I go ♪

♪ Walking round in a wonderful glow; ♪

♪ There's a lot ♪

♪ That I'm not ♪

♪ Conscious of ♪

♪ But this feeling I ♪ ♪ feel must be love! ♪

♪ Now I know ♪

♪ Why it's so, ♪

♪ Why I'm alive ♪

♪ And I thrive ♪

♪ On the thrill! ♪

♪ Here am I, ♪

♪ Riding high ♪ ♪ On a hill, ♪

♪ Far away from the usual drone, ♪

♪ With a world of my own ♪

♪ At my feet, ♪

♪ All because fate ♪ ♪ was heavenly sweet ♪

♪ To have planned that we meet! ♪

♪ Never dreamed ♪

♪ In my wildest dream ♪

♪ That I'd fall quite ♪ ♪ so wholeheartedly! ♪

♪ Now I know love is all ♪ ♪ that it's cracked up to be! ♪

♪ (vocalizing) ♪

♪ Never dreamed ♪

♪ In my wildest dream ♪

♪ That I'd fall quite ♪ ♪ so wholeheartedly! ♪

♪ Now I know love is all ♪ ♪ that it's cracked up to be! ♪

♪ (vocalizing) ♪

(applause)

(plop)

(large bell)

Ah, cut it out, will ya, Blackie?

Listen, I thought I told ya to lay off that Victrola?

Take it easy, Blackie.

(gasping)

And the next time I catch you fooling around with it I'm gonna break

off both of your arms and legs and hit you over the head with 'em!

(blows)

Get your hands off that record, Blackie!

Okay.

Oh, Butterball... Give me that record, will ya?

Oh, watch if fellas, will ya. You're gonna break that.

Listen, fellas. You're gonna break that.

(choking)

Get away, I eat records and I'm hungry.

Hey, fellas, you ever seen me eat a record?

Hey, wait a minute, Butterball. I'll get you some ketchup for it.

Yeah, yeah. Get me some ketchup.

Okay, we'll get some ketchup.

Come on, where is he! Let's get over here, come on.

Here we are.

Okay, shake it up there.

My medicine!

What have you done with my medicine?

I put it all in one bottle so as we can conserve space.

Hey, spill some on here.

- Okay - Hey, get it all over...

(yells)

Hey, come 'ere you.

We'll give 'em a shampoo

No, make him drink it!

Stuff it down his throat, Blackie!

- Good idea. - Then we'll stand around and watch him explode.

(gurgling)

- Hey, you two! - (yells) Hey, cut it out.

(bonk) (ow! oof!)

(uh)

Hey, you two. You've been picking on Danny long enough, now cut it out.

Or I'm gonna crack your heads together like a couple of coconuts.

Listen, meathead. You're gonna crack whose heads together like what coconuts?

Yeah, that's what I wanna know.

- (arguing crowd) - Hey, fellas! Hey, fellas!

(arguing crowd)

- Hey, wait. It's Jones! - (arguing crowd)

- No, wait a minute! No, wait a minute! - (arguing crowd)

Wait a minute! It's like I've been telling you.

We're shoving off!

- What are you talking. Who told you that? - No, we're shoving off right this minute!

- Oh, come on. Whaddya mean? - No, come here. Look for yourselves!

Get a load of this.

- Oh, maybe he's telling the truth. - Hey, Joe!

Now do you believe me?

Oh, brother!

Oh, boy.

I'll bet the third platoon is going on there.

Hey, look at the guns!

Yeah!

Joe, we're really leaving I guess.

Danny, look there goes the Goldbergh outfit.

Look, they've got a hospital truck just for me.

Attention!

All right, men. Get everything ready.

Fulls packs to helmets.

This company moves out in exactly one-half hour.

Snap to it!

Hey, Danny, don't forget to take your pills.

How am I gonna get ready in a half-hour, Joe?

You won't if you don't stop worrying...

Why do they give us such short notice all the time?

Oh, Joe. What about Mary?

She'll be awfully worried. I can't go away without saying goodbye to Mary.

Maybe I'll never see her again, Joe.

Maybe never.

That's quite a while.

Lot of fellas in that same spot, Danny.

Come on, get going.

Okay, you take it.

Thanks.

Goodbye, Veronica. (kiss)

(sigh)

Hey, what am I talking about? You're going with us.

I'm going to. Get outta here!

(machines rumbling)

(rumbling)

Hey, Butterball.

You seen anything of Danny?

Not since we left camp.

- Hey, you know... - You're at ease, not at rest. Cut out the talking.

(rumbling)

Uh...

Yes, sir. Uh... ma'am Uh... lieutenant

That will be all.

(whispering) Danny, you're not making sense.

What is it that was a matter of life and death?

Why did I have to come down here?

Mary, don't you understand, we're leaving.

There's only a few more minutes left.

And the most terrible thing has happened.

What?

Virginia's going with us on the same boat.

And it's right there.

Oh, for heaven sakes. What's so terrible about that?

She's a wonderful girl and she likes you.

Yeah, but she's not you.

Well, if she can go, you can go.

Huh?

Maybe you can even take her place.

I could talk to the colonel and explain and tell him that the only...

Danny, you're not running the Army. You can't just put me on a boat.

How did you ever know where you were sailing from?

Oh!

Oh, no, no! Don't tell me

You know you could be shot at sunrise?

- Just because... - No! Don't tell...

Oh, I've gotta get out of here.

What's the matter?

It's your sergeant.

(stuttering) Sergeant?

Quick, you'd better get in there.

Oh, no, I can't get in there.

It's alright, I left my rifle and pack in there.

Hey, Lynn.

Have you seen anything of Danny Weems?

Yeah, saw him a minute about, though with a nurse.

Think I know where he went. Come on.

You stay in there and I'll see if the coast is clear.

(crane noise)

(large bell)

Oh, cut it out will ya, Blackie?

(crane)

Mary!

Mary!

Mary!

Mary!

Let her down, let her down!

Mary!

Mary!

Mary!

What's going on here?

Ma... sta... uh. Oh.

Get down.

Yes, sir, colonel Ashley.

Now, what is it?

(mumbling) Oh, bu... bu...

Oh, I was just saying goodbye to my truck, sir.

Truck?

Uh, yeah, I call it, "Mary".

"Mary?"

Uh, oh, yeah, well.

Well, you know the way the flyers name the planes?

Well, you've heard of the Daisy Mae, and the Susie Cue?

Th... That's the Mary Ann.

Goodbye, Mary.

Uh, bye.

What is this?

- Report to company one. - Yes, sir.

- Tighten your belt. - Yes, sir.

- Well, that's all. - Yes, sir.

♪ ("All Out For Freedom" by Harold Arlen) ♪

♫

♫

♫

♪ (tempo slows) ♪

♪ There's a mighty rumble in the air. ♪

♪ And the rumble's going everywhere. ♪

♪ It's the echo of a simple prayer. ♪

♪ People praying to be (?) of the time (?) ♪

♪ And the (?) Here we go. ♪

♪ Roll out for freedom. It's all out for freedom ♪

♪ Who gets to take it away? ♪

♪ Ten million Yankees are are standing (?) ♪

♪ And the world knows that is a (?) ♪

♪ (?) ♪

♪ Will we defeat them (?) ♪

♪ (?) ♪

♪ (?) all out for freedom to the sky. ♪

♪ That's the Yankee doodle battle cry. ♪

♪ Roll out for freedom. It's all out for freedom ♪

♪ Who gets to take it away? ♪

♪ Ten million Yankees are are standing (?) ♪

♪ And the world knows that is a (?) ♪

♪ (?) ♪

♪ Will we defeat them (?) ♪

♪ (?) ♪

♪ (?) all out for freedom to the sky. ♪

♪ That's the Yankee doodle battle cry. ♪

♪ Roll out for freedom. It's all out for freedom ♪

♪ Who gets to take it away? ♪

♪ Ten million Yankees are are standing (?) ♪

♪ And the world knows that is a (?) ♪

♪ (?) ♪

♪ Will we defeat them (?) ♪

♪ (?) ♪

♪ (?) all out for freedom to the sky. ♪

♪ That's the Yankee doodle battle cry. ♪

(women vocalizing)

Should we go and have a word with the Captain?

- All right, sir. - Come along, gentlemen.

(Whispering) Hey, Joe, pssst!

What's all the mystery about?

Well, something... a little unexpected has happened.

It's made me so sick I...

Haven't had a chance to get seasick.

Well, where are we going?

Down in the hold.

Wait 'til you see what I've got.

Whatever it is, can't it wait?

No, it'd starve.

You mean it's alive?

Well, I... I hope so.

Oh, no, that's not the one.

Joe!

Mary!

- What are you doing... - Shhhhh!

- But what is she doing... - Shhhhh

Holy cats!

This is all I could get, Mary. Pretzels...

and... and... and... bananas.

I hope you're not thirsty.

Well, tell me what's going on. How did this happen?

It's a long story Joe. I don't even want to hear it myself.

- Well, the Colonel's going to hear it. - What?!?

I'll just have to tell him what happened, Danny.

Oh!

Mary, I...

I hate to bring this up, it's only a small detail, but...

If you tell the Colonel the truth, I'll be shot at sunrise.

As early as that.

Oh, why didn't the draft board listen to me when I told them not to take you?

(gasp) Shhhh!

Get back in and stay where you were.

I tell you I heard something

Any livestock in this hold?

(bark!)

It's a dog!

(bark!)

Shhhh!

(bark, bark)

It sounds vicious.

(bark, yip)

Oh, I hate dogs.

(dog noises)

If he comes at you, take a shot at him.

Oh, don't some at me!

(bark, bark, bark)

I've got hydrophobia!

(bark, bark, bark, bark)

(quieter woof)

(quiet woof)

(arf)

What's going on here?

I've got a dog in my throat.

Some people have frogs, but I've...

(slam) (car horn)

Ahhh!

I, uh... That is...

We were looking for C deck.

Come on. Get outta there.

Come on. What gives?

Speak up, soldier. Speak up!

I, uh... Errr, uh...

(speaking gibberish)

(blowing raspberry)

Why, you!

...hey... What...?

(barking) Hey!

These pills are on me, boys.

(bark, bark)

♪ ("All Out for Freedom" instrumental) ♪

♫

♫

♫

♫

What's happened to Mary?

I haven't had a chance to get away. We've got to figure some way to sneak her out.

Joe.

She's already snuck.

What?

(whistle)

I couldn't leave her in the hold. The air is full of dust particles.

Where you're going the windows are full of bars.

Yes...

Hmmm...

Look...

She's got her uniform on underneath my fatigue clothes.

If she can get through this crowd up to the officer's deck,

then all we have do is get her to the nurses station.

Yeah, but...

There's a 106 of them on board.

Nobody will notice if there's a 107.

Virginia will help us.

I'll talk to her.

Pssst!

Uh, Captain?

Would you be sweet enough to get my musette bag?

I left it over there somewhere on a chair.

Certainly, Lieutenant.

Thank you, so much.

Hello, Danny!

Where can we go and be alone?

Oh, Danny!

I've got to get you alone right away!

Well, well!

Listen...

If we could fine a dark place somewhere, just you and I.

Oh, this salt air's doing you a lot of good.

And if...

How about a life boat?

Uh, what is this honey? Commando tactics?

Uh, huh.

No!

Virginia, you don't understand.

Oh, yes I do.

♪ (band chord) ♪

By popular request,

Lieutenant Virginia Merrill will sing

Tess' Torch Song!

Oh, I've gotta go sing now. But I'll be back. Now don't go away!

♪ (applause) ♪

♪ ("Tess' Torch Song" by Harold Arlen) ♪

♪ Here is a story ♪

♪ 'bout a gal ♪

♪ Folks call her Torchy Tess ♪

♪ Because she trusted, ♪

♪ her heart got busted ♪

♪ Love made her life a mess ♪

♪ It evidently was an awful blow ♪

♪ For this is, word for word, ♪

♪ poor Tess' tale of woe ♪

♪ I had a man ♪

♪ He was a good man ♪

♪ That is, you see, what I mean is ♪

♪ I thought he was a good man ♪

♪ I had a friend ♪

♪ She was a good friend ♪

♪ I told my friend 'bout my man 'cause ♪

♪ I thought she was a good friend ♪

♪ Life was sweet, ♪

♪ didn't I have my man? ♪

♪ World complete, ♪

♪ then the fireworks began ♪

♪ Ain't got no man, ♪

♪ ain't got no friend ♪

♪ I bet you can guess just exactly what happened ♪

♪ That was the end, the end of my friend ♪

♪ The end of my man and almost the end of me ♪

♪ - She had a man ♪

♪ Oh, yes, oh, yes I had a man ♪

♪ He was a good man ♪

♪ Do, dee, doodly do ♪

♪ That is, you see, what I mean is ♪

♪ I thought he was a good man ♪

♪ - Do, do do, do dooo dooo ♪

♪ - She had a friend ♪

♪ I had a friend, I said I had a friend ♪

♪ - She was a good friend ♪

♪ I told my friend 'bout my man 'cause ♪

♪ I thought she was a good friend ♪

♪ Life was sweet ♪

♪ Didn't I had my man, my man ♪

♪ World complete, ♪

♪ then the fireworks began ♪

- Boom!

♪ Ain't got no man, ♪

♪ ain't got no friend ♪

♪ I bet you can guess just exactly what happened ♪

♪ That was the end, ♪

♪ the end of my friend ♪

♪ The end of my man, ♪

♪ and darn near the end of me ♪

♪ Of me ♪

(applause)

(applause)

Colonel Ashley! Colonel Ashley!

Hum, uh, well fellas. You all know the Colonel. Hehehe

Hehehe

Um...

(mumbling)

Y, you all know the Colonel offered a prize

for the best original song about the life of a solder.

Well, I uh...

I, I, I, I've been composing one, but I haven't

learned all the words that Joe wrote yet.

Um, um, that is, that I wrote

Um, we're writing now

Um, um, that, we, um

Ub, um, I will now recite Gunga Din by Rudyard Kipling.

Oh, no you won't.

Oh, no, I won't.

Oh, ub, I...

Um, uh, I'll try the new song

I don't know it very well, but

Um, er, Rudy, if you'll right there... Thanks

♪ Oh, they passed the law down in Washington D.C. ♪

♪ Yes, yes! - Yes, yes! ♪

♪ - Yes, they passed the law down in Washington D.C. ♪

♪ Yes, they did. That's what they did. ♪

♪ They passed the law down in Washington D.C. ♪

♪ Yankee Doodle's going to town ♪

♪ And they want young fellas like me ♪

♪ In a goldfish bowl, new and shiny ♪

♪ They went eenie meenie miney ♪

♪ And cried hey up top ♪

♪ Get up it bu-dop ♪

♪ Cock a doodle do, do day day ♪

♪ (scat singing) ♪

♪ (trill sound) ♪

♪ The mail man ♪

♪ (scat singing) ♪

♪ Doh! ♪ The questionnaire

♪ (scat singing) ♪

♪ (scat singing) ♪

♪ (trill sound) ♪

♪ The mail man ♪

♪ (scat singing) ♪

♪ Doh! ♪ Report to the doctor

♪ (scat singing) ♪

♪ (scat singing) ♪

♪ Fine specimen ♪

♪ (scat singing) ♪

♪ Flat feet ♪

♪ (scat singing) ♪

♪ (scat singing) ♪

♪ (scatting) ♪ Nuhnuhnh

♪ (scatting) ♪ Nuhnuhnh

♪ (scatting) ♪ Nuhnuhnh

♪ (scatting) ♪ 1-A!

♪ (bugle call) ♪

♪ (scat singing) ♪

♪ High left ♪

♪ (scat singing) ♪

♪ High right ♪

♪ (scat singing) ♪

Left, right, right, left! Oh, the Sergeant!

♪ (scat singing) ♪

♪ Get outta there! ♪

♪ (scat singing) ♪

♪ Left, right, right, left, left, right. ♪ Make up your mind.

♪(scat singing)♪

♪ Shut up! ♪

♪ (scat singing) ♪

♪ Peel potatoes ♪

♪ (scat singing) ♪

♪ (reveille) ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ (charge) ♪ (battle sounds)

(bomb dropping)

(BOOM!)

♪ (scat singing) ♪

(applause)

(knocking)

Pssst! Hey.

Yeah?

Mary.

- Oh, Joe! - Come on, Mary.

- Gee, I'm scared. - It's alright.

- Come on. - Where are we going?

Danny's going up and set everything with Virginia.

He's going to meet us in a few minutes.

Gee, you look cute in that outfit.

(laughing)

Oh, I feel like Tuesday afternoon in a wet wash laundry.

We might as well wait here for Danny.

Ooooh. I'm got the shivers.

Are you cold, honey? Uh, Mary?

Well, mostly frightened.

Well, here.

- Is that better? - Much better, Joe.

This is like being in front of a warm fire when it's snowing outside.

I kinda like it, too.

We must do this more often. Remind of that, will you?

Three times a day, for the next 40 years.

40 years...

- Hehehe. I wonder? - What?

Oh, I was just wondering what these uniforms will look like

when we take them out of a trunk some day, and

shake the moth balls out of them, and

go marching in a parade on the fourth of July.

Joe?

Do you really think it'll be a better world?

I'm sure of it.

Gosh. It's a better world already.

(whistle)

(whistle)

That's him.

Hey! Hey! Come here.

Everything's arranged. Come on, we go.

Hey, I'd better take her, Danny.

No, no. Joe, I can get away with it much better than you can.

I've been up to the dispensary so many time they think I live there.

Come on.

Well. Good luck and be careful.

I'll wait here for you, Danny.

Hey, wait a minute. Do you know your way?

Do I know my way?

You go up the third companionway on the starboard side then

cross to the port side through the second corridor on the left.

Then turn right on B deck up the third ladder to C deck

niff through the paint locker to the second

corridor. Two turns right, one turn left.

Then you double back.

It's a cinch!

It's this way.

Well, haven't you any idea where we are?

No.

They must have turned the boat around.

Oh, Danny.

Shhhh!

(slam)

(yawn)

Who is it?

That you, Beaker?

Humf.

(yawn)

(yawn)

Who are you?

Uh, hrm, me?

Well, who are you?

Uh.

(in a Scottish accent) Private McTavish, sir.

Well, get up.

Come out of there.

Well, what's going on here?

Uh.

(in a Scottish accent) It's a (Scottish-sounding gibberish).

On your feet.

It's a wee bit of a mistake, Colonel.

I was looking for me bagpipe, and

I mistook a wee bit of your quarters for a wee bit of my quarters, sir.

Sorry, sir.

McTavish, you're under arrest.

Aye, sir.

I was looking for me bagpipe, sir. (Scottish-sounding gibberish)

You're drunk.

Report to the ship's brig.

Aye, sir. Brandon McTavish places himself under arrest, sir.

(Scottish-sounding gibberish)

(screams)

Oh, it's a wee bit of a mouse, sir.

What?

(Scottish-sounding gibberish)

...me bagpipes. (bagpipe sounds)

There are two of them.

Call for the guard.

Come back here, come back here.

One one them's a woman!

Call for the guard!

- Yes, sir. - Arrest that man.

Those men.

One of them's a woman!

Well, what are you standing there, for? Go!

- Well, Danny, no. This is full of men. - Shhhh!

- Here's my bed, get in it. - What?

I mean get under it.

Well, we might as well take a look across the way.

Hey, Danny, I can't stay here.

I know.

But I can't think of any other place.

(mumbling)

Hey, you.

- (wheezing) - You!

Yep, yep?

Who are you talking to?

Oh, to me.

I always talk to myself in my sleep.

Yeah. You always sleep with your head hanging over the floor?

Oh, sure.

It keeps the blood from rushing to my feet.

Well, you wake me up again and your blood will be rushing all over the boat.

(alarm ringing)

(snoring sounds)

- What are you doing? - Shhh!

Oh, Veronica

Where you been, Veronica?

Come out to the garden with me.

Ahhhh.

I wouldn't have you wear it any other way.

Say something, sweetie.

(no noise)

Say something.

(in a high pitched voice) I have to go now.

I have to go to the hairdresser.

Oh, I know you know, Veronica.

I do.

Hey.

You.

Hey.

What'd you do with Veronica?

Huh, huh. I don't know. She had to go.

She had to go to the hairdresser.

You dirty double-crosser. What are you doing here?

(moaning)

I was walking in my sleep.

And when I walk in my sleep I gotta talk in my sleep.

I can't talk unless I walk. Hehehehe

Isn't this a beautiful night?

Ehhhhh.

(general groaning)

(mouthing Reveille)

Everybody up, alright, Reveille boys.

(groaning)

Everybody get out of bed.

That's it, come on, inside.

Last one's out a rotten egg.

Beautiful morning?

Wait a minute, it's dark outside.

That's fog.

Dark fog.

Reveille? It feels like I just went to bed.

Oh, it only seems like you just went to bed.

Come on, everybody up. Time flies when you're busy.

Hey, you just woke me up a minute ago.

Oh, you're sleep walking, Blackie. Wake up, wake up.

Come on, wake up. Everybody up.

That's the spirit, come on.

Hey, what's the matter with you? (arguing)

(arguing) Hey! Cut it out.

(loud arguing)

...first company out on deck.

Oh, not here, Blackie.

Over here, there's a draft here.

Cut it out!

It's cold over there.

Cut it out or I'll push your teeth in.

I can't find 'em anywhere.

- Hooo! Look out, look out! - (yelling)

- (yelling) - I got it, I got it, I got it.

What's the matter with you?

There was a spider on your head.

A spider?!? Where?

Oh, what's the matter with you?

There was a big spider...

You've been taking too many pills, Dan.

But, there's a spider

Eh, shut up.

I wonder where I put my drawers?

Don't say that.

That's a naughty word.

What, drawers?

No, no, no!

Ah, cut it out.

You know, I'll be glad when I can sleep like I used to, bare naked.

Nah, don't say the word naked.

Huh?

We don't want words like that in our quarters.

Don't forget, fellas. This is our home.

(laughing)

Horace.

Would you mind passing me my unmentionables?

(gibbering)

Now wait a minute.

Just a second, Percy, til I put on my wimple.

Oh, my, my, Ferdinand. What a beautiful snood you have.

(laughing)

Woowoo, woowoo.

Rooty-toot, rooty-toot, We are the boys from the Institute.

(singing)

What's going on here?

Eh-na-na, Joe. He's up already and all dressed.

Come on, Butterball, get dressed.

That's setting a very good example, Joe.

Well, why's everybody going up so early?

- It's only four... - Ahem!

Hey, what's that? Only four?

Only four the duration, and then we take a vacation

and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep

and then we'll take a vacation

But, Danny, what...

Mary's under the la-la-la, we gotta get the

fru-la-za-na, it's up on the deck

(commotion)

(shouting)

(commotion)

Where is she?

Where's who?

Ooooooh (breaks into song)

(singing)

Whew!

Alright, Mary.

Joe, darling.

Oh, I'm so happy to see you.

Oh, you don't know what we've been through.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Well, don't worry darling. I'll take care of everything.

Oh, just let me stay here.

I'm sorry, Danny.

We didn't plan it this way. It just happened.

- Oh, Danny, we didn't mean to... - It's alright, Mary.

Better get her outta here, Joe.

Yeah.

Platoon! Attention!

At ease.

Alright, men. Sound off when I call your names.

- Jones - Here

No.

No. Taller man.

- Boglen - Here

No, thinner.

Here he comes, Joe.

Yeah, here he comes. You'd better stop shaking.

If he recognizes you he'll have you shot.

- Black - Here

Oh, well I was only good for a few months anyway.

- Noshe - Here

I didn't want to die from the Colonel, Joe.

I wanted to die in the hospital.

- Pimm - Here

With some flowers, and nurses, and...

Maybe a little fruit.

- Roaks - Here

- Weems - Hrrrrmmhuh

What's your name?

(in an Irish accent) Patrick O'Houlihan, sir.

O'Houlihan, eh?

Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, and the top of the morning to you for the fine broth of a Colonel yer are

May you get to kiss the Blarney stone and spend every minute of your life

in the shadow of the statue of St. Patrick

(Irish-sounding gibberish)

What?!?

Uh, uh, uh, yaaaaa! (mouthing "The Swallowtail Jig")

- Goodbye, Joe. - Grab him!

Come on, Weems. The Colonel wants to see you.

Alright, I'm coming.

Well, bring him here, bring him here.

I surrender, sir.

O'Houlihan, eh?

- Yes, sir. - Aren't you also, Private Weems?

- Well, aren't you? - Yes, sir.

I want to tell you everything, Colonel.

I'm also Private McTavish.

See.

- (Scottish-sounding gibberish) - What?!?

Well, I just had to do it, Colonel, I had to. I was protecting a certain lady.

And I know as one gentleman to another you won't ask me who she is.

Oh, I won't, eh?

Well.

Here are you glasses, sir.

I just used them for a little while and I took very good care of them...

- That's very kind of you. - Thank you.

Ooop!

Oooh! (crunch)

(growl)

What's that clicking in your throat?

What did you say?

Nothing, sir.

Nothing.

Thanks for the glasses, sir.

Well, who's the girl?

I don't know.

Who did she say?

She doesn't know.

Don't keep me in suspense.

What did he do with her?

Well, he tried to hide her and they landed right in the Colonel's stateroom.

No!

Bet he thought that was the boiler room.

What happened then?

Well then...

he sneaked her into his own bunk room

(whistling)

That sounds interesting.

Hmmm. Oh, yes.

Well, they questioned him for hours, but he refused to give the girl's name.

Said it would be unwritten law.

- Hahaha - Listen, you officers...

I heard that there was going to be an investigation.

They're going to going to check upon all of us.

Well,

anyway, I'm in the clear

Are you sure?

Yes.

I couldn't squeeze under a soldier's bunk.

(laughing)

Darn it.

(laughing)

We never had anything like this in the last war.

Sergeant.

We don't have anything like it in this war, either.

Gosh. How could a guy that looks like a canary turn out to be a wolf?

Oh!

This fellow Weems will probably go down in the history books.

What are you dishing?

Shhhhh!

Say, by the way. Where were you last night when

you said you were out getting some fresh air?

I was out getting some fresh air.

Disappointed?

Hey!

Maybe it was the girl's idea?

Maybe she was chasing after him.

Why, Joanna.

That'd change things considerably, wouldn't it?

You ever heard a girl being arrested for overpowering a man?

Not where I come from.

(laughing)

- Hello - Hello

Hey, Virginia.

Do you think anybody noticed me?

No, no.

But, did you hear what that girl said?

Uh, huh.

Mary?

Suppose you went to Colonel Ashley and told him that you were the aggressor.

What?!?

That you sneaked into Danny's bunk room, because...

...because...

well, you couldn't keep away from him.

Hahahaha!

Well...

that would take the blame of Danny and get him out of the brig.

That's what you want, isn't it?

Uh, huh, but...

Uh, uh.

They find out I'm a stowaway

and Danny's responsible for that.

They'd probably shoot the both of us.

No, I guess you couldn't do it.

Hey!

Try to remember. How did you get there?

I don't remember how I got to his room.

Or when.

All I remember is the moonlight.

And the music coming from nowhere.

Coming from where?

From nowhere, sir.

- Eh, make a note of that. - Yes, sir.

I must say I can't understand this man's hypnotic power.

He doesn't seem to be the type at all.

Oh, if he'd ever held you close in his arms, you'd understand,

Colonel Ashley.

Yes, I'd dare say.

Lieutenant Merrill, you astound me.

You've got a fine record.

You don't appear to be the type of girl who, uh...

Oh, you don't know me at all, Colonel Ashley.

And I don't know you.

Not really, I don't.

But, I bet you weren't always so stern and unapproachable.

Yes, well, uh...

My character is not under discussion.

No sir, but you were young once.

Maybe you can still understand what it's like to lie here,

night after night,

restless, lonely,

longing for your arms about someone.

To feel the touch of his lips on yours.

Humf, humf, huh.

No...

No, I recon you don't know what that means,

Colonel Ashley.

Why, I should think not.

Oh, I tried to fight it off, but it was stronger than I was.

And then suddenly, it happened.

What happened?

There was a purple flash.

Purple flash?!?

And the next thing I knew,

I was...

sorry

I was breaking down his door.

And there he was.

Where?

Lying there.

Asleep.

Helpless.

I came closer.

And closer.

And...

Uh, that's close enough.

Lieutenant Merrill, you're confined to your quarters until further notice.

Yes, sir.

And that'll be all.

Yes, sir.

Well, this solves the case against Weems.

How is that, sir?

Well, you can't very well punish the catnip for the behavior of the cat.

Release Private Weems from the brig.

Alright, sir.

Colonel,

you really don't believe that story, do you?

Certainly not.

But I'd like to read the last chapter.

Give 'em a little rope,

see that they're both closely watched,

They'll hang themselves.

Alright, sir.

Purple flash...

Well, there he is. The purple flash.

Oh, cut it out, will you fellas? I ain't in the mood.

Ain't in the mood...

He ain't romantical.

Imagine!

They say a dame broke down his door to get to him.

I heard it was two dames, with hatchets.

One of 'em got away.

I, uh, thought his pal Joe was the great lover.

Yeah...

I guess he is.

Say, flash.

What's in them pills you've been eating?

Hey, lover.

Roll them big blue eyes for us, will ya?

Yeah, come on.

Come on

Ah, cut it out, will ya?

Come on

Why don't you stop it, fellas?

Hey, Blackie, I wanna ask you a favor?

Yeah?

Would you do me a favor?

No.

I just want to use you phonograph for a little while.

Huh. You got some nerve after what you done.

What did I done?

Huh.

(in unison) (mouthing Reveille)

(in unison) Last one's up a rotten egg.

Black fog.

Eh, you still owe me three hours sleep.

I catch you taking anything else, I'm gonna reach down your throat,

grab you by the feet, and turn you inside out.

Maybe you'd look better that way?

Well, uh,

none of us know where we're headed, or when.

It's a mixed up world.

This way, I get kinda a funny feeling.

Knowing that you'll be playing this when we're thousands of miles apart.

Hey, Blackie.

Are my eyes, pink?

Nah, only the white part's pink.

That guy, Nevis says I got pink eye.

And I breath in and I don't breath out.

I breath out.

He says I got arteriosclerosis-is-is.

Yeah?

- What's that? - It means I got too much liver.

I'm a walking butcher shop, he.

Shhh!

(woman's voice) Oh, Danny. Take good care of yourself.

How do you like that guy?

He's in trouble with one dame, and he's already got another one in there.

Yeah?

Well, I guess that's all.

(woman's voice) Take... take good care of yourself.

Hurry back.

Oh, gee Mary. That was wonderful.

Oh.

Hehehehehe.

(bang, bang, bang, bang)

Hey, what's going on here?

Uh.

(phonograph) What's that clicking in your throat?

Huh?

(phonograph) You know there's lots of people

walking around don't know how sick they are.

Outta be in a hospital.

How's that?

(deeper voice) Here's you fresh shrimp.

That shrimp is here.

Oh, I'm a shrimp, am I?

(deeper voice) Ah, button your lip.

Think you're a big shot just because you're making a lot of noise around here.

Shrimp!

Shrimp!

They're hot!

They're tasty, they're fresh.

(honk, honk, honk, honk)

(bark, bark, bark)

(pant, pant, pant, pant)

(bark)

(bark)

(honk, honk, honk)

(bark) Shut up! (bark) Get outta here!

The guy's going nuts!

(woman's voice) Look out!

Hehe, hehehehe. Stop!

Hehehe. You're tickling me!

Tickling you? I ain't even touched ya.

(woman's voice) Oh, would anybody be surprised if I sang a song?

(man's voice) Well, it's about time.

(woman's voice) Hahahahaha.

♪ Now, I know ♪

♪ Why I go ♪

♪ Walking 'round in a wonderful glow ♪

(kick)

♪ There's a lot that I'm not conscience of. ♪

(kick)

♪ But this feeling that I feel must be love. ♪

♪ Now I... ♪

♪ Now I... ♪

♪ Now I... ♪

♪ Now I... ♪

(record clearly skipping)

Hello.

Now we both know.

...girls...

...girls...

...beautiful girls...

...purple flash...

...great lover...

...girls...

...beautiful girls...

There he goes, the purple flash!

Purple flash.

What in them pills you been taking?

...the great lover...

That's him. The purple flash.

They broke his door down to get to him.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

...the purple flash!

♪ ("Here Comes the Bride" by Richard Wagner) ♪

♫ (swing music)

♫

♫

♫ ("Mary Had a Little Lamb" by Lowell Mason)

♫ ("Now I Know" by Harold Arlen)

♫

♫

♫

♫ (swing music)

♫ (scat singing)

I do

♫ (scat singing)

I do.

♫ (scat singing)

♫ ("Wedding March" by Mendelssohn)

♫

♫

♪ Love. It can get you in the strangest messes. ♪

♪ I know your story well. ♪

♪ It's just like Torchy Tess' ♪

♫

♫ ("Now I Know")

♫

♫ ("Tess' Torch Song" by Harold Arlen)

♪ You had a gal ♪

♪ Oh, trust me m-momma what a gal was Mary ♪

♪ She was your best gal. ♪

♪ Oh d-d-daddy what a pal was Mary. ♪

♪ That is, you see what I mean, is you thought she was your best gal ♪

♪ She hooked the bare facts to me Fairfax. ♪

♪ I had a friend. ♪

♪ Oh, J-J-Joe, the rock of Gi-Gibraltar ♪

♪ He was my best friend. ♪

♪ Oh, so-so-so-sweet as chocolate malted ♪

♪ I told my friend 'bout my gal 'cause I thought he was my best friend. ♪

♪ Kiss the romo, tomy-romo. (?) ♪

♪ Life was sweet ♪

♪ I was a ha-ha-happy man. ♪

♪ World, complete. ♪

♪ Then came the bust-up, my bust-up, and the fireworks began. ♪

♪ You lost your gal. ♪

♪ Oh, Jackson blow those blues for me. ♪

♪ You lost your friend. ♪

♪ Oh murder murder in the first degree. ♪

♪ I gotta feeling that something will happen ♪

♪ (in unison) This won't be the end, no, no. ♪

♪ I'll find a new friend, yes, yes. ♪

♪ I'll find a new gal, ho, ho. ♪

♪ This won't be the end of me. ♪

♪ Well, zoot, well boot, well well-o-root ♪

♪ With a hep-a-hep-a-hep-a and a step, step, step ♪

♫

♪ Greetings, Gate. How ya been? ♪

♪ Feeling great. Give me some skin. ♪

♪ Looking sharp. ♪

♪ Sharp as a harp. ♪

♪ Feeling keen? ♪

♪ Oh, keen as a bean. ♪

♪ No tears for Mary? ♪

♪ It dry as a prairie ♪

♪ No, woe for Joe? ♪

♪ Oh, no, no, no. ♪

♪ No beating the gray? ♪

♪ (brrrr) Nay, nay, nay. ♪

♪ No busted ticker? ♪

♪ Ticker, tickin' slicker. ♪

♪ Well, toots me melba (?), is that the fact? ♪

♪ Beat me daddy and I hit you back. ♪

(in unison) ♪ Well, zoot, well boot, well well-o-root ♪

♪ With a hep-a-hep-a-hep-a and a step, step, step ♪

♪ Hey, good lookin'. ♪

♪ Uh, what you is a cookin'? ♪

♪ Feelin' groovy? ♪

♪ Groovy as a movie.♪

♪ Something mellow? ♪

♪ Mellow as a cello. ♪

♪ Born to be with chicken? ♪

♪ Now you is a clicking. ♪

♪ No, yak, yak. ♪

♪ Solid, Jack. ♪

♪ Well, ration me some passion. Pitch me some woo. ♪

♪ On the button, glutton. ♪

(kiss)

♪ Smackeroo ♪

♪ Well, grill me lamb chop well, alright. ♪

♪ Drop me, momma, 'cause it's Saturday night ♪

(in unison) ♪ Well, zoot, well boot, well well-o-root ♪

♪ With a hep-a-hep-a-hep-a and a step, step, step ♪

♪ Heedle-e-do, de-mon-ay. ♪

♪ Heedle-e-do, de-mon-ay. ♪

♪ (scatting) ♪

♪ (scatting) ♪

♪ Hi, hi ♪

♪ Hi, hi ♪

♪ Hum, hum ♪

♪ Hum, hum ♪

♪ (vocalizing) ♪

♪ (vocalizing) ♪

♪ Ho lika da sa, oh-eh li-eh ma ♪

♪ Ho lika da sa, oh-eh li-eh ma ♪

♪ Uh jza so frei oh care fromage ♪

♪ Uh jza so frei oh care fromage ♪

♪ (bark, bark) ♪

♪ (bark, bark) ♪

♪ (arf, arf) ♪

♪ (arf, arf) ♪

♪ (vocalizing) ♪

♪ (vocalizing) ♪

♪ (silent) ♪

(in unison) ♪ Well, zoot, well boot, well well-o-root ♪

♪ With a hep, hep, hep, hep, hep ♪

♫

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

My name's, Bertha Sue Ella.

No, Mary!

Here, Private Weems. Let me in here.

Who's Mary?

Mary Morgan.

The girl I smuggled on the boat.

Huh?

Make a note of that, Major.

Yes, sir.

Better look into this, Captain.

Yes, sir.

Did you say, Mary Morgan?

Yes, Mary.

What are you doing in my dreams?

You're not a beautiful girl?

Well, uh, I should say not!

His pulse is normal, sir.

Well, get the rest of him normal, and lock him up.

You hear me?

- Lock him up! - Yes, sir.

Well...

It was a nice dream while it lasted.

(Narrator) And so, after spending many long hours in the brig,

our hero reaches Laguna, the isle of trees.

The garden spot of the Pacific.

A lush, tropical paradise

to spend many more hours in the brig

Please come here, Blackie!

Blackie!

Butterball!

A million islands in the Pacific,

and we gotta land on one with no canteen.

no hula girls, and no Japs.

You gotta get it for me, fellas.

It's been weeks now.

I'm going crazy.

I warn you. I warn you!

If I don't get my vitamins it'll over excite my thyroid,

and anything can happen!

Maybe we outta get reinforcements.

Yeah.

Oh, now really, fellas.

I've lived with Danny Weems for 12 years, sir.

Well, I'll admit he's gotta kind of a genius for stirring up trouble,

but he always means well. He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Private Weems is not charged with hurting flies.

However, when I look over the list of his offenses,

it appears to me that's the only crime he hasn't committed.

But, Colonel Ashley, I'm just as much to blame, and I'm perfectly willing...

She had nothing to do with it, sir.

It was all an accident.

And then on the ship she wanted to tell you the truth and,

I wouldn't let her.

That will be all.

This investigation has produced no evidence at all is the case. Has it?

No, sir.

The Private Weems will face a court martial as I have directed.

And until that can be arranged...

Colonel Ashley!

Private Weems has, uh...

If you please.

Until that can be arranged, he will remain under arrest.

Now,

what is it you want?

Private Weems has escaped, sir.

What?!?

Weren't there any guards there?

Yes, sir, and they're still there, sir.

You mean to tell me that Weems did this all by himself?

Yes, sir, but I can't figure it out, sir.

He was a man with no muscles at all.

Yes, yes.

Well, look at that place!

Well, there's one thing. He got his health back, anyhow.

Well, what happened?

Well, I don't know, sir. It all happened so quick.

- Didn't it, Blackie? - Yeah.

He must have had, accomp-u-lices, sir.

They came from behind and overpowered us.

Captain?

Send out a searching party.

Yes, sir.

Why did you fellas have to pick on me, anyway?

If you think the American's are going to think I escaped, you're crazy!

They'll know you did it and they'll know there's Japs on this island.

And you'll see what'll happen then!

Oide nasai

Oide nasai?

Oh, I like that.

They can't speak English, but I can speak Japanese.

(from cave) Number and disposition of antiaircraft.

(moaning)

Well?

How many men?

Men? Men.

Oh.

Well, let me see now, hmmm.

There's a fellow called George Mockeltrow.

Hey, he's the little fellow from Detroit.

- Has a rubber filling... - Quiet!

Er, um. And then there's Robert Clockelpoop

He has hay fever all the time...

Never mind about the men!

What about tanks?

T-tanks, tanks?

Oh, tanks. Tanks...

Oh, well, there's um...

Oh, we have a great big tank and we keep hot water in it all the time.

Enough of this foolishness!

Ooooh.

Well, I'm trying to think, but that thing hurt my head all the time...

and, I...

Well,

Maybe if you'd let me take one of my pills

I could think more clearly, it would clear my head, and

I'd tell you everything.

Hehehehehe

You think this is a headache pill, don't you?

Well, you're wrong Mr. Tojo.

We carry a thing like this just for such an emergency.

It's cyanide of potassium.

No, it's too late. I've already drunk it.

One drop. One drop will kill a hundred men.

In one second I'll be dead.

And dead men tell no tales.

(screaming)

You see? It's started already.

(has a fit)

(distant Japanese)

(Japanese-sounding gibberish)

Oh, no! Yes.

(Japanese-sounding gibberish)

How many tanks? How many tanks?

(from cave) That's all I know!

I told you everything.

(speaking Japanese)

(speaking Japanese)

(speaking Japanese)

Oide nasai.

Oide nasai?

Oide nasai.

Oide nasai!

(repeated echoing, oide nasai)

(repeated echoing, oide nasai)

Oide nasai!

Ahhh!

(speaking Japanese)

Oide nasai!

Oide nasai!

(speaking Japanese)

(speaking Japanese)

(yelling)

(yelling)

(yelling)

(yelling)

Oi!

(yelling)

(squeak)

(Narrator) Oh, look at that!

Whaddya know. Danny's captured them all single handed.

But, he's still in plenty of trouble with the Colonel.

Oh, here's the Colonel now.

But please, Colonel Ashley, if you only let me explain.

Lieutenant Morgan, you're in trouble enough yourself

without trying to intercede for Private Weems.

But, Colonel!

Oh, I know, I know. He's a hero

But, he's violated every conceivable military regulation.

If I can only find some extenuating circumstance, such as a...

uh...

a mental lapse.

Oh, he has those all the time, sir.

Well, he's been with Major Brock all afternoon.

A complete psychiatric examination.

And Major Brock's as fine a doctor as you'll find...

Oh, here's the Major now.

Well, Major. What's the verdict?

Him? Oh.

I'd rather not discuss that. I...

I've got to get to bed.

Bed, bed? What's this?

Um, huh, oh.

You're alright. It's me, look.

Look at my eyes.

I blink four times to a second. I'm, I...

I'm breathing through my liver.

I, I'm buckling at the knees.

I got a (gasp) I got a click in my throat

Look at my tongue.

I have ichthyosis colitis.

That can only happen to a fish.

Well,

hello

Oh

Nurses, hehe

Get a hold of me

What am I doing? Hehe

I don't know whether I'm supposed to take

three pills and ten o'clock or ten pills at three o'clock

What?

Hmmm?

Well, never mind, I...

I'll take 'em all now.

Ooo.

Ahhh.

Next patient, please. Uh, hehehe

Oh, well. Say, "ah"!

Ah!

Oo!

Oo!

Ee-oo-ah-oo, oom yah!

(in unison) ♪ Well, zoot, well boot, well well-o-root ♪

♪ With a hep, hep, hep, hep, hep ♪

♫

♪ ("All Out for Freedom") ♪

♫