Original subtitles

w

[Applause]

[Music]

I know I see I I know I see see I

know I see

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

w

[Music]

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[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

what's up

people

up come

on throw your hands in the air if you

got love in your

underwear Latino people in the house

bark

that's my

people black people in the house

[Music]

whoop let's take a moment to mourn the

absence of my brothers and

sisters why people in the house

say I can barely say it yo almost gave

myself an aneurysm

there well

ready to take you all on a journey give

you a piece of my soul before the night

is

through now I was born in Latin America

cuz my mom's was

there and when I was born my mother was

in labor for 48 hours y'all but my

mother didn't care because she was so

enthralled with that whole Miracle of

creating life and my mother was like

[Music]

I get this parasite be

[Applause]

there and my father's going if I had a

nickel for every time I heard

that and the peace core doctor is going

push Mrs liquid Z

Mrs leg a lamb is let's eat gumbo just

push man push but with what go you with

what hey doctor we're paying you so why

don't you do some of the pulling okay

well I'm trying to he's a stubborn

little [ __ ] well they're leaking there

come on woman get up we're going but

F he's halfway

out so my teen parents left the Homeland

during that Great plained Famine of the

late

[Applause]

60s and when they got to New York City

their accents was so thick that they

couldn't understand each

other and my mother was like I found the

me a CH full of ass is the Heavenly

cofin what the hell did you just say oh

how did I know I'm speaking English

[Music]

no and from our little subtropical

Paradise we ended up in the loudest most

hectic Melting Pot in America Jackson

Heights

Queens see what I

mean and on our way to our tenement

building it was like the modern day

Tower of Babel all the colors of beniton

were

there and they came running up to us oh

you got to try the curry candy you got

to try it it's going a hole in your BX

very wonderful you got to try you people

go back to your damn

country you multiply like Roes

singinging hear them ring

buaka this are not a Library you buy

this magazine or kick your

[Applause]

ass so my parents had it work like 80

hours a day 17 days a

week but no matter how busy my father

was he'd always make time to read us a

bedtime story and my father be like okay

you

ready Once Upon a Time

there was a little rare

riding and she went into

the and she got a green

card and she L happily and I shut the

[ __ ] up and go to

sleep and luckily for me my mom's was a

lot more

nurturing where all Latin moms are cuz

all Latin moms treat their sons like

little Latin Kings

and that's where we get that Macho [ __ ]

going to the Max and my mother was no

exception cuz since I was a baby my

mother would be like I me you are the

center of the universe

puy you're all things to me uhuh learn

to

share and remember me huh remember any

woman that [ __ ] you will probably [ __ ]

somebody else okay and you don't want to

marry a

h no no

because because no woman is good enough

for my little la

[Applause]

King and I remember I was about I guess

8 years old and I used to love to go to

family barbecues at flushy Meadow Park

where about 50 or 60 of my cousins would

get together

barbecuing on one

hiachi and yo yo we would play that SAA

music so damn loud that it would

interfere with Nassau Communications

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

but the only person never dancing was my

grandfather cuz we had him in a life

support system

my father was keeping him alive against

his will because he wanted him to live

long enough to suffer when he made my

father

suffer and my poor grandfather would be

like

John John come here puppy come here P

the block

me but Grandpa you know I'm not supposed

to put you out of your

misery P the [ __ ] blood

bullet and it was on this very every day

that I came up with my theory that

everybody has a nice grandmother and a

mean evil insane crazy Cojo

one and I learned which was which when I

ran up to my little white looking

grandmother and she was like ah

[Music]

B here let me put a dress on you you

little [ __ ]

that was the nice

one so then I ran over to my little myso

mul

Grandad who was a 7-Day

Adventist so she had some mad powerful

beliefs y'all like that The Exorcist was

actually a

documentary and that since there were no

Latin people on Star Trek that this was

proof that they weren't planned to have

us around for the future

and she especially believed this after

she tipped back a few fits of holy water

my grandmother will be

like

lies

lies you are the prince of

Lies I don't drink I

seep and I know who you are

Lucifer now leave the B of my grandson

demon oh still I'm going to purge you of

your evil spirit Lord bless these Jack

Daniels ow ow my eyes they burn that

because you're

Wicked now let me finish the cleansing

CH m

[Music]

now I didn't want to disappoint my grams

because this could be her last

exorcism so I would just start speaking

in tongues and transforming myself into

Satan for her and I would be

like I am

Satan I've come to claim you as my wife

come here crusty old lady come here

crusty I Satan you come for me take me

I'm

just but grandma grandma it was just me

I was just

pretending well don't ever T me with

Satan again

[Applause]

now our apartment our apartment was so

puny it was wishing it were a

project we made up for with our 70s

Baroque Ro Coco

style yeah we had green avocado walls

this Brown lolan floor in this orange

nuclear shag rug we were trying to

recreate the inside of a

papaya and the center piece the

P was my father's television and it was

this big ass wood console TV more wood

than

TV but it was my Pop's pride and joy and

he would be polishing that suck all day

long everything except the

screen yep cuz you would let that get

really dusty so everybody looked nice

and dark in

Spanish and my father also thought that

the more you used it the more you wore

it out and my father will be like I

don't care what the hell you do just

don't touch my television okay and don't

sit on the furniture it's only for the

important guests use the floor for

sitting and a kitchen sink for eating

and when're not going to buy you any

more food if you keep eating

it and every time my father had

something important to say the subway

would go

by now it wouldn't have been a big deal

but we shared a war with the IRT number

s line so my father would be in the

middle of a Harang and he'd be like okay

I'm only going to say this

once the most important thing that I

want you to do

today kick your

ass but she my poops was gone me and my

little butter ball of brother

poochie who I renamed the fat boy called

[ __ ] yeah well cuz life had made him a

scar of everything so me and him we'll

become like a Navy SEAL operation

team I Fat Boy call

[ __ ] it's 18800 hours and the prince of

darkness when be back for another Prince

of Darkness you didn't tell me none

about no Prince of Darkness I'm not even

missing the Prince of Darkness is the

man that we know as

Dad now I'm going to give you the bubble

wrap and you place it underneath the rug

so in case Dad comes to the hallway we

can hear him

we outsmarted the

ignoran watch this fat boy

gigant gigant the space AG robot

he's

John mom what are you doing climbing in

through the

window the rent is Du

and what are you doing you're watching

the television you're eating the food

and you

broke you broke the antenna

I I'm looking into the face of a dead

boy

CIA and in the hallway we would hear

bubble

w and I'll be Fanning on that television

like a maniac because my father would

feel it for

heat open up that damn door Ian

we lived on Roosevelt

avenue i f look at you you look so Ultra

Sessy oh yes you do run

run so why me go some place and play a

little game of mail order Pride I know

your no woman and put your nipple away

okay I just want to watch my

television what the hell is all that

damn static I can't tell Sunny from

chair no that no that I'll fix it I'll

fix it and I move that good antenna for

all I'm worth like this that like that

like that father is just another word

for love isn't it that no move the other

one okay and I pretend to move that

broken antenna Trump loyal like this

that like that huh is that working for

you huh are you getting that reception

that and my father Feld goes me across

the

room and I was

like you heard in my

[Applause]

way let's take that back and Rewind

[Applause]

it so my father just feel goes across

the room and I was

like luckily the nice heart brick wall

broke my

fall and my head my head opened up like

a

pinata and I was like dad Dad look at

all the pretty

candy look at all the beautiful

beautiful colors did you ever see some

many beautiful

colors and everything went black

and as I was waiting to

die I felt my soul just leave my

[Music]

body and I zoomed out that

window over manhatt

Higher and

[Music]

Higher and as I was getting

closer and closer to the

light I saw

[Laughter]

[Applause]

God and as I was about to take my

rightful place next to

him I got a whiff of my favorite Chino

Latino rest

restaurant and they were making a fresh

batch of shrimp fried rice and

platino and all of a sudden I didn't

want to die I don't want to die I want

to live I want to live I want to live if

only for the plot I know I want to

live and I zoom myself back into my body

and the first words out of my mouth with

my newfound Cosmic

wisdom said it all poochie broke the

antenna

[Applause]

Dad Poor slow chubby

poochie cuz I heard that poor little boy

go off screaming he was like no dad no I

don't want to die no I'm your

my only

brother just beaten senseless with that

damn

antenna and all I could think was thank

God it's not

[Applause]

me but I don't want to leave you with a

bad impression of my

father no no because my father wasn't

always this brutal no sometimes he drank

too and when my father drank he just

became the nicest most lovable huggable

son of a [ __ ] in the land and my father

would go on the fire escape in his

underwear sit me on top of his lap and

start with those playful

hits and wailing wailing to Old World

songs like if he was the King of

Everything

as

of or

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

to

super

super super

[Music]

the ah he doesn't know the [ __ ] words

[Music]

either come here

puppy come here give me a

kiss come

[Applause]

on what the hell are you cringing

at what are you afraid of a little

affe I'm your father you little [ __ ]

you kiss me right now I'm going to punch

the [ __ ] out of you not that not that

don't hit me don't hit me I'll kiss you

I'll kiss

you well not on the lips you little

[Applause]

freak you're so lucky to have a dad like

me I could be out there just [ __ ]

some hot stinking women oh yeah but am I

doing that no no because I'm here

spending quality

time come on puppy I'll give you a shot

come on oh it's happy juice come on no

that no that it tastes like

dookie why don't you just quit drinking

dad because I'm not a

quitter come on I'll give you 10 bucks

you big baby okay that okay that deal

deal

[Applause]

[Laughter]

[Music]

[Laughter]

I love you

Dad oh that's my

boy that's my boy my little drunk

aholic that's why I'm going to share my

secret scheme with you but if you tell

anybody I'm going to have to kill you

cuz I haven't even I even told your

mother this

but I'm going to R every room in this

apartment till I own the building till I

own the black I'm going to be the king

of

G the Latino Donal

trumo right cuz I didn't come to this

country to be no godamn servant that's

right my father is no goddamn serving

clink okay calm down

that

that I got I got a little secret too yep

but I'm going to have a drink before I

tell

[Laughter]

you it was me who broke the

[Laughter]

antenna see see I knew you'd understand

that cuz we were talking man

Dad no dad no it was poochie like I said

the first time no Mom

Mom now those were the best times that I

ever had with my pops but then of course

puberty hit and I quickly realized that

I could have a much better time by

myself

oh yeah and I guess I was about I was

about 12 years old the first time that I

accidentally

masturbated yeah cuz I was just cleaning

it and it went

off and I thought I broke

it cuz for the first time something that

wasn't PE leaked out and I was like ew e

what the hell is that e d what the hell

[Applause]

[Laughter]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

let me see if I can see if I can lift

this

chair with a phone book

the

radio and my father's

[Applause]

shoes how about a

tie How You Like Me

Now and out of nowhere my father's at

the door and he's like you're not doing

what I think you're doing in there not

in my house you don't no dad no dad

leave me alone I'm going mad

[Applause]

[Laughter]

[Applause]

ping ping ping ping ping ping ping oh

snap I sweat my brother's

toothbrush he never used it

anyhow and the door kicks

open and my whole entire family rushes

into the bathroom

and there I am butt naked perched on the

[Applause]

sink what the hell are you doing well I

can explain everything that I can expl

you see I was I was about to take a

shower when when I realized that I

needed to change the light

bulb with your direct

penis oh I couldn't reach in my

hands and what are you doing with your

the mother's panties on your

head I thought it was a shower cap I

swear I swear I thought was the

shower what's all this go on my

toothbrush oh that's not goo that that

that's not good that's um that's um

that's um that's my new

toothpaste then prove

it oh Dad please don't make me Dad

please don't make me grandma quick brush

your teeth brush your teeth come quick

no I'm not touching that come get away

[Applause]

from so I had to seek my sexual

Awakening

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

elsewhere and luckily for me that summer

I started going to House parties ha

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

but unfortunately my crew of inner city

rejects me and my rejects we will be

caring somewhere way in the back of the

party totally Mr informing each other

about the secrets of sex yo John come

here a minute let me tell you something

man you got to FK a girl as fast as you

can otherwise going to lock up on your

wood you have a [ __ ] attached to you

for the rest of your

life no man no n don't let a girl stick

a finger up your

butt you going to turn gay and

whatnot I'm serious I'm

serious yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo y yo

yo yo yo yo yo Yoo Yoo yo yo yo fell y

fell your p on your dick makes it

bigger this for y's information you know

what I'm saying talking to you

motherucker a me you know what I'm

saying you [ __ ] dick [ __ ]

yo fellas fellas I know how to make a

man [ __ ] y' be taking dick you talking

me between your legs and you have a

genuine man back off man back off it's

fake man back off back

off I was a very misunderstood child

especially for the rest of that

summer but by the time winter came my

father's tenament scheme had actually

paid off and I don't even know how my

father did it but he finessed himself a

building in the boogie down

Bronx you know they couldn't be tenants

cuz they wouldn't be that happy

and I didn't recognize my pops no more

either because my father had become new

Oran rich and my father started wearing

fake F coats and fake gold

chains he looked like a cross between

hoggy bear and Mr

[Laughter]

[Applause]

rer and then my father thought he was

slick and he started bringing the other

woman to the house when he was supposed

to be taking care of me and my

brother but me and my brother we didn't

care

just n because me and him we would run

and we would hide underneath the bed and

we'd hear them sexing each other up and

we would

hear take this and that take it all you

[ __ ] your [ __ ] you

[ __ ] and then my pops would

[Applause]

say hey how could you talk to me like

that yesterday you said I was the best

no no no no no no I say you did your

[Laughter]

best so then my father would be starving

and we have to go with him to cc's deli

with Amy who was The Other Woman and Amy

was this beautiful beautiful Jewish lady

who always wore green

lipstick cuz I guess she was afraid red

men stop

and the thing that burned me up about

her the most was was that she would just

believe all my father's lies just like

that the the biggest one being that we

were

Jewish oh yeah cuz Amy would be eating

her food turning everything a green mush

and she'd be like so Mr leg with

[Music]

[Applause]

warberg you're so dark and

exotic are you sure you're Jewish

of course I'm

safic you want the K or the

kishka whatever's

clever I'm not like those demanding

shers used to go out with I'm the love

of your

life oh look at the angry puns they're

so cute the little MCAT what are their

names well this is Abraham and this is

[Laughter]

Moses say thank you thank you

smile more Jewish

[Applause]

so then my father got tired of us and he

left us my mom's

rival and my mom she became the queen of

low

self-esteem and my mother would run off

periodically to improve

herself so then my uncle Sandy became my

surrogate mom's and my uncle Sandy he

was he was a little unconventional he's

probably what you would call a triple

threat he was Latin gay and deaf

[Laughter]

you laugh but he was the wisest man that

I had ever met in my entire life and he

had taken his little room that he had

and he transformed it into his

laboratorium where he would do his mad

experimenting and I

remember I remember the last thing that

he ever

invented it was Spanglish sign

language and I was the only one who

could understand them and my Uncle Sam

would be like joh I know things even God

doesn't

[Music]

[Applause]

know and Christmas and Christmas I

always made a lousy Santa ho

ho because instead of filling up the

stockings I was always trying them out

[Applause]

Uncle s Uncle S I want I want I want to

be just like you when I grow up except

for that part about liking guys and

whatnot that's okay D that's okay

because I know that your

father doesn't respect me but that's

[ __ ] [ __ ]

[Applause]

because feature these many highly

respectable individuals of

ancient and modern

times have

[Music]

been

than on

Plato

Michelangelo

Disney and just cuz we were poor didn't

mean that we didn't get culture either

because my uncle sanne would force us to

go with him to Broadway and we go into

these old theaters a lot like this one

actually where he had mastered this

technique called second

acting somebody know knows about over

there that's where you mix with intim

Miss smokers and then you slip in for

free to catch the second

act so I never knew how anything

began and we run into the alley and wait

by the theater exit and my Uncle Sam be

like yum poochie smoke

this no no no no Mentor for you your

only

n so we stood by that Thea exit and we

smoked and

waited but this play only had one

act so my uncle Sandy just kicked the

hell out of that exit

door and he yell

fire yo can't you hear

me pom excuse me don't want to step on

your corns of your bunion pom excuse me

excuse

meom po I saw first I'm going kick your

BS I every man that fat boy get the hell

out of here oh hello how you doing hi

hello Miss ladies good looking Miss

ladies how you doing my goodness man um

why don't you run to the bathroom quick

before intermission and I'll watch your

seat for you cuz you're going to get

crowded man C go

ahead I know you have to

[Music]

go don't applaud just get

off so I got the best empty seat in the

house but I was still all paranoid cuz I

had no legal ticket or whatnot so I just

hit behind my program

and the whole time I was thinking

damn I could be out there with my

friends my friend's just flexing having

a good time but here I am at this

musical Chorus

Line and all of a sudden I heard the

name Morales on stage and it was this

Latin person there and she ain't have a

gun in her hand or a hypodermic needle

and she wasn't a hooker or

May so it's kind of hard to tell if she

was

Latin and everybody was looking at

her the way y'all are looking at me

now and I was just I was just listening

and respecting her every day for a week

we would try to hear the wind Rush hear

the wind Rush feel the chill and I du

right down to the bottom of my soul to

see what I had Inside Yes I dug down to

the bottom of my soul and

[Music]

I I you my L sister you set us free mama

you got oh

[ __ ] and one of those Pilgrim ladies

grabbed me by the

collar ow lady ow lady get off me lady

get off me Uncle San Uncle San Uncle

sany she was singing to me man she was

singing to me shut the hell up and

[Laughter]

[Applause]

run and that's how it got called to

[Applause]

y'all so about a year

later my father the genius for trouble

that he

was well he got the other woman to use

him up and spit him out and then on top

of that his tenement building burned

down and my mom just took him back like

nothing had ever happened cuz that's the

way my mother was

and my father just started to scheme it

and mavell it to get food on the table

and with the luck of the

Latin my pops was made captain of the

top French restaurant in Manny

hany that's Manhattan for

y'all I was so proud of my father I

would just watch him every afternoon

putting on his Tu like if it was a

ceremony or something you know and I

would be

like you the man

Dad Dad you the man

you look like a penguin

Dad hey easy with that okay hey hey do

you know came into the restaurant the

other day and try to get into my

pants Elizabeth

Taylor oh yeah she's kind of fat now so

I think I got a

shot here's a little Old Spice in your

face that's right it burns cuz you're

Wicked

and this this was an extra special day

because it was my brother's 10th

birthday and I had a plan because me and

my family we never celebrated a damn

thing so I made sure my pops was gone

and then I put on our best rust color

Liah

suits and I got me and my brother

matching both

ties you look just like like Dad you

little

studnick you'll get all the fine females

ain't you yeah right so check it check

it when it's Subway down to his

restaurant all right yeah cuz it's going

to be a surprise for you and him fat

boy it's my birthday I don't want to be

called fat boy no more I'm a man now

okay okay fat

man now come

on and when we got to the restaurant

it was this fancy smancy Swanky place

and they didn't yell your auto over a

microphone and they a had no playground

on

front and this big french guy just comes

running up to

us and I cut him off I said excuse me

sir excuse me sir no offense or nothing

but we like to be served by the captain

of Mr L

please I'm not familiar with your name H

well then then then then then you must

be new here because because my father

runs this place okay okay well I see

what I can do why don't you sit down and

be right back yeah can you get us

another water this one's got a lemon in

it so me and my brother we just sat

there and

waited and waited

and then the kitchen doors opened

up and there was this man in there who

looked a lot like my

pops but it couldn't be my pops cuz my

pops was wearing a tu and this man was

bending over sink washing

dishes and then the kitchen doors opened

up again I got a better look

come on poie come on let's go I'm not in

the move for French food no more man

come on let's go I'm going to get your

birthday some other place now come on no

John get off me get off me it's my

birthday I want to see that all the

people around you see that at home all

the time every day now come on little

man come on come on look look I'm going

to get you a birthday Pizza huh I'm

going put candles and everything on it

come on

all

right all right deal John deal but but

but I went an chies on my pizza okay

John and John did you make one of my

legs longer than the

other huh John why you so quiet why you

ain't talking John wait up don't run

John wait up

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

ah you can't dance

joh n man that was wax son I'm a school

year This is My Dance cuz I'm going to

get laid tonight my fertility get it's

for you ladies in the club you better

check

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

it check what I'm saying you know what

the [ __ ] I'm

saying nah man that suck too man I'm a

scool both of you This is my dance the

legalization of

marijuana cuz I'mma get high tonight you

better check

[Applause]

it I swallowed

it y fellas y fellas is my turn man it's

my turn This is My Dance

cuz cuz I got acne

and cuz life sucks man yeah cuz fathers

suck cuz they're liars and losers and

[ __ ] yo calm the [ __ ]

down it's SM only day off don't ruin it

man yeah man why you tell your mom met

her mustache grow you could call her

pop y shut up man shut up come here man

come here let me talk to you man talk to

you you know what my father calls me

[Music]

calls me the little abortion That Got

Away that's right man so what's the big

deal your father's the captain right

that's cool man being a waiter is cool

not like being a dishwash or nothing you

know what I'm saying know what the [ __ ]

I'm saying yeahall know what you're

saying man know what you saying that's

why friends are better than family man

cuz you can choose them you know what

I'm saying hey yo fellas y fellas This

is my dance to friendship all right

check it check it

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

w

so my new attitude towards life really

paid off cuz there was this girl in the

club who had low

standards and she felt madly in love

with me because I'm a friendship dance

so I went to a house in Jamaica

Queens is that

[Applause]

you I don't think so

and I had made up my mind that she was

going to be the one to devirginize me

because she was this ebony princess this

Nubian bucket of love my little

Africanus

romanticas she was

black and her pops is a black

Muslim

mhm mhm so the first time I went over I

put on my best Elijah muhamed Bai

well salam alaikum brother Reverend sir

I'm here to I'm here to pick up your

daughter well well well well well you

don't fool me boy you don't with that

bow tie boy you don't look like a Muslim

you're like PeeWee Herman

boy and I look at your white skin I want

to kill you but sir sir I'm not white

I'm Spanish well well well I don't want

to get caught up in your illegal Mexican

situation boy

I heard about you

Mexicans buying up all the Cabbage Patch

dolls to get the birth

[Applause]

certificates I just H like it happened

that's

all so after weeks and weeks of begging

some serious begging she finally sneaks

me up into a room one night so we could

avoid her pops and whatnot and I

couldn't believe I just couldn't believe

that it was happening for me finally you

know especially cuz it was so goddamn

romantical oh yeah cuz she turned on the

black

light she put on some Al

[Applause]

[Music]

Green sing sicking

now ah I ah ah ah I'm so in love with

you ah ah whatever you want to do ah ah

is all right with

[Music]

me

me

[Applause]

so and there I was in my fruit of the

loose

glowing like some kind of

UFO and I'm looking at my

beautiful beautiful black

Venus she's looking at me and she's all

[Music]

like oh my God oh my

God you are the the whitest [ __ ]

I ever

saw yeah but I love you and you love me

yesika that was before you took off your

clothes and besides I forgot to tell you

I have a gynecologist appointment

tomorrow and he said we should had

intercourse 24 hours ahead of time

yeah but you don't have a dentist

appointment tomorrow do

you you don't get it do you translucent

me oh my God oh my God hold hold on hold

on I can see your intestines

guppy I'mma get my sissors hold on like

que sh come here girl come here oh my

God oh my

God

yeah yeah sure she laughed at me she

laughed at me cuz she was afraid of her

passion for me

and besides I would save myself for the

girl who really loved me or any girl

that would have me whichever came first

and in the mean by my

father my father he just got us into the

red big time cuz let's face it my father

was born to undo

himself so we had a downgrade to this

poor white trash Irish neighborhood

called Sunny Side

Queens oh you heard of it

[Applause]

and I was devastated cuz I lost my best

friends I lost a girl who loved

me and all of a sudden we're the first

Latin family in this neighborhood so

we're like

Pioneers it's like Manifest Destiny in

reverse and then one day it was St

Patrick's Day and I figured Well

everybody's Irish on St Patrick's Day

right so I think I did my way into this

Irish bar and it was this mad sick nice

Irish girl sick nice you know the type

right right redheaded freckled

drunk okay I'm

bitter but I had too many green beers so

I had to have so I River danced up to

her

[Applause]

and this voice emerged out of me out of

[Music]

nowhere how's the ad

island did you ever [ __ ] a leprechaun

well what are you staring at is my

shenanigan hanging out

again well you don't look very Rish to

me oh but I

am Black

[Music]

Irish all right I didn't say any of that

[ __ ] okay n no what what I actually said

I actually said how much I appreciate

Irish culture and the great

contributions that they've

made you two whiskey cops right

and Scotty Scotty Captain Captain the

the lithium crystals are breaking up oh

you got to see

and you must be some kinds of [ __ ]

[ __ ] Scotty Scottish

[ __ ] Sean Brian bney this Spanish guy

is bothering me he boing

me and the rest of our hooligan Brothers

Grog me ale kilan Guinness and stout

come at

[Applause]

[Laughter]

[Applause]

me but are you trying to get with sister

H your daddy PTO

Rican now wifee up the street with ch

your lying ho

whti I was

outnumbered but I didn't care cuz I

think what any Latin kid who been raised

in the ghetto would do in that situation

I was

like I acted like a

[ __ ] I didn't touch

the I didn't touch

the I got a pink you hold it for me hold

it for me oh my God I got a p being on

the

[Applause]

on so we had to

move and my father wasn't too happy

about that my father's packing up the

car my father's like what are you my God

damn punishment on Earth some kind of

horrible test from God to me

why you always trying to be like other

people you're not even good at being

yourself let me tell you something papy

when I go to the RAC track I get a form

and on these form I listed the winners

not the all Sans that's where you are

about being all San so get used to it

because your mother's family is full of

them starting with your uncle sany yeah

but that's [ __ ] dad

[Music]

so with those words of wisdom we ended

up in Corona

Queens I'm not done

yet which was an all Italian

neighborhood at the time so I was mad

excited cuz I thought these are my

fellow sarthy Mediterranean olive skin

brothers and

sisters and I came out of my apartment

building and I saw these Italian fellas

in this driveway polishing up this

Camaro hey how you doing fellas how's it

going man yo that's a nice ride yo is

that a

76 79 you dumb [ __ ]

[Applause]

[ __ ] you're dumb [ __ ] ugly dumb Dum

dumb [ __ ] ugly dumb [ __ ] ugly

dumb

Dum hey Joey did I use up dumb

already yeah an want you try douchebag

hey douchebag douchebag b54 [ __ ]

[Laughter]

douchebag forget about

it you know before you SPS came here we

had nice houses in big store no doubt

about it forget

about yeah I know man man I know cuz we

l people man we l people we're the

bacteria of the universe man everybody

knows that we're lazy we [ __ ] too much

and look what I bought my welfare check

a guido joke

book and to think I almost threw away my

money on crack

huh you going to like this

one how can you tell if your baby is a

guido you give

up he won't use the pacifier unless it's

got hair on

it

[Applause]

[ __ ]

[ __ ] oh oh

[ __ ] so we had to move

again and we were running out of

neighborhoods and my father

my father must have decided what I

needed for my 16th my 16th birthday cuz

he packed me up in the

gremlin and my father was like come here

papy sit next to me and shut the [ __ ] up

I want to talk to you

okay do you know that the average pinga

is 6 in

[Applause]

long and the average vaginga is 8 in

deep there are about 2 miles of unused

Vin Jing in New York

[Applause]

City I'm going to help you find some

okay

puppy okay here we

are but Kentucky Fried Chicken Dad Dad

how's the colonel going to make me a man

dad not the colonel

bendo there's a lady I know in there

that batters chickens by day and chokes

them by night okay

[Applause]

now don't come out till you make me

proud I'll be waiting for you right over

here so next thing I know I'm all the

way in the back of the Kentucky Fried

Chicken about to get some from some

complete stranger and when Out of the

Shadows comes a zic German woman who y

so dark and

Spazzy I feel sorry for you so I will

[ __ ]

you I'll think of it as War

reparations and she puts me on top of

the

fryer and she reaches down and she

touches my thing and it was the first

time that somebody other than myself had

touched my thing so my thing was bugging

out and my thing was like John come here

come here John John come

here she's watching me I know we're

finally getting some John she's pulling

on me she's being a little

raw I know she's German shut the [ __ ]

up John why don't you do

it I like how you

do you know what a touch what I like

what I need

then she puts me in her mouth and he's

like John John what is she going to do

oh my God John why did you ever do this

before Pinocchio

Pinocchio and I look over and she's butt

naked and she forcibly takes my hand and

just puts it on her little vertical

smile now her coochie was it was well I

should I put it to you

people it was like a failed experiment

from the island of Dr

Moro and then she says to me it's like a

flower you have to unravel it

[Applause]

[Applause]

she had the hugest coochie lips in the

world it was like

Dumbo and when I open it all it makes a

big Tupperware burp

[Applause]

and then she makes the international

Cony linga sign at

[Applause]

me I was sced shitless

y'all but I knew my father was waiting

outside for me so so I didn't want to

disappoint my father nothing you know so

I just sacrificed a little general and

just like that I was like a porn star

yeah you know you like it baby yeah yeah

you know you like it and she's like I'm

sorry I'm sorry time is

up and she went to the window and she

grabbed a coochie lip in each hand and

she flew away like a giant pink bat

[Applause]

goodbye goodbye

Matra thank

you did you do it

papy did you give it that 12th

ingredient H you do

it

yep y I did it Dad well I want proof

[Applause]

proof so my father and I we finally

shared something together God damn

it but back home my parents Rel

relationship just totally began to sour

cuz my mother became radical and she

started going to

college and she was using big words

against my

father and my

pops he just he just wouldn't let his

tenement dream die so our house was

literally like this big construction

site we had we had holes and plaster and

tenants

everywhere and then

his restaurant secret just started to

eat at him and my father became

evil and then one night very very very

late my mother comes home and of course

she's unnaturally

happy and my mother's like I love the

night life I love to Boogie said you

know everybody come on people tell me

and my father becomes the Grinch who

stole Christmas who said you could sing

that thing that you sing I am the king

and nothing is what you should sing sing

sing and you're late that I do not

appreciate to we made to wait I hate

hate

hate I found your being so Dr

Susan and besides besides lateness

lateness is such an amorphous and boura

concept

okay what about the day before you got

here at midnight disco Queen what the

hell was that about huh i f f Do you see

how hard I work for you I'm practically

a slave Lin Lin manate me break my

Checkers woman woman have you seen your

children's

lately huh John is all sickly looking

and

stupid and pooie is all fat and

ugly i f please please POI will still be

fat and ugly no matter what time time of

the day I got home

okay so don't talk down to me okay

because I'm not about roduction anymore

I'm about me

production woman don't make me have to

teach you what respect is okay I F

please

please like a dishwasher could teach me

anything

than

[Laughter]

[Applause]

exactly oh you're going to get it woman

just keep it down cuz I don't want to

traumatize the children okay okay pastor

okay no more talking

click wait wait wait quick quick Who Am

I who am I

[Applause]

and my house becomes the World Wrestling

Federation K Pepsi

Cola

let's

Rumble and my father jumps on top of my

mother and he's got it down the ground

don't make me have to kill you i f f you

don't have to do anything you don't want

anymore we're living in postmodern

deconstructive America

now stop using such big

words okay okay yes yes no no PE do do

pie and I'm in the kitchen of my brother

I'm like poochie poochie mom's not doing

so well have to double team his ass okay

so you go out there and kick his

butt and I'm going to live

on and my little

brother my little brother he's all

like I can't I can't move

John

John John John I can't

Mo I'm sorry it's okay little man it's

okay you know I got your back till

Infinity now if I was a weapon where the

hell would I

be and I see this big ass butcher knife

that my father had used on his father

before

him so it's like a family heirloom

and I go out there with the courage of a

little John Claude

goddamn if you touch my mom's or anybody

else in this house again I swear to God

you're my father but I [ __ ] kill

you what do you think you're man enough

to take me on boy shut up he wasn't

talking to you okay but but but but Mom

I thought that's right go back into the

kitchen cuz you're a [ __ ] and your

mom's a poter

[ __ ] F I'm not a PA [ __ ] okay John may

be a [ __ ] but I'm no PA [ __ ]

[Applause]

okay okay then Jezebel salom Samsonite

and

Thea you're a lousy cook a lousy wife

and all the big words in the world AR

going to make you a good mother so I

want you to get the hell out of my

house ohill

me ex

me ex me me and

me I'm going to have to interfere on my

own

behalf cuz you don't get me twice in a

lifetime oh no

and do you know why I can't be like

other

women do

you because then who the hell is going

to be like me okay calm down woman calm

down you're having some kind of

breakdown okay no F no I'm having a

breakthrough don't confuse the end of

your world with the beginning of mine

okay and I just have one more thing to

say to you

[Music]

[Applause]

f I was afraid

iied

sing you me and I strong for

me how to get along and all your back

from l space

I just walked in to find you here with

that sad look upon your face I'm going

to make a words

now because I can that's right and you

can't beat me no

more and you want this big fat

ass over I'm free I'm free I got

you you a your goddamn

[Laughter]

construction now that was a great song

wasn't

it and it was equally beautiful moment

for my

mom's but unfortunately the house is on

the my father's

name so my father kicked us the hell

out oh

yeah I didn't care n cuz I I was going

to show him I was going to show the

world you know life was a [ __ ] and so

was

I so with a fist full of

dreams I went to college

[Music]

and I got into

[Applause]

UCLA cuz I got a perfect, 1600 on my

SATs it's

possible if you count all four times

they took

them and I was having a great time

passing myself off as a white boy I was

like dude so cool so dudes oh the waves

are so dope so cool dudes I commune with

a dolphin once oh sh dude

[Music]

sh so I got into a fraternity and

amazingly and only 2 years later my

fraternity brother saw through my veneer

and they ousted me so I took the first

bus back to Time Square all depressed

and whatnot

and I thought maybe maybe I'll catch the

only show I could

afford but they were having a private

party so I decided to second act like I

used to do with my uncle sany and go see

a Broadway show and so I bogarted my way

into this theater but once I was

inside I find out that it's not a show

but it's an audition for that great

acting teacher Lee Strasberg something

or other and I'm watching all these

fellas go up and they're all doing

street car Named

Desire cuz that's what method people

do and I'm watching all these brand and

they're all like

St why do you think is some kind of

queen sitting on my throne and saying

[Music]

huh and Lee Strasburg calls next next so

I just tried to fake it but as I'm going

up my ears are ringing and the room is

spinning I can't even breathe and I look

at Lee and it comes out like Jerry Lewis

well what do you think is some kind of

queen sitting on my Throne I

say everybody was laughing at me

everybody but Lee and Lee's

going I survived the

Holocaust I don't think I can survive

your

performance and he grabbed his chest and

passed

away but everybody was still laughing so

I knew I had something so I was going to

let his death stop

me until his assistant director jumps in

and he's all like is this thing on over

here over here kid let me be frank with

you we don't really want a Hispanic we

want somebody who can play a Hispanic

that's how the real world Works Son

thank you

next all right all right how do you feel

about playing junkies oh anything

anything man give me a chance man give

me a chance I need to fix I'll suck your

dick anything baby give me a chance

[ __ ] need a CH Latino come on I want

to feel the patheticness and Agony of

your people think Latino junky

Latino okay baby okay but I'm running

out of veins papy

Chula how about if I stick it in my neck

huh how about my eyeball huh is that

pathetic and Latino enough for you huh

if I shove it in my goddamn

[ __ ] eyeball like that

[ __ ]

so I got the

part and I'm in my first play and it's

opening night and it's all the way

downtown at alphab City way

downtown oh

yeah and the name of the play is junky

Christ I'm the

lead and I find out it's a shadow play

but there I am in my big crucifixion

scene giving it my junky

all Judas you sold me for 40

[Music]

baby and it's inition and I run back to

my dressing room and I got this shower

curtain for a door and this broken

mirror in a flashlight on

me and the place

is funky and

nasty but I'm in my

element yeah yeah who's

there who's

there John BBY BBY open up

me open up

B you're not doing what I think you're

doing and there are you

dad dad what the hell are you doing here

man I'm sorry I'm sorry come come in

here Dad come in so did you see the

show so what you think why you can tell

me you like

it yeah oh

yeah if you like that sort of thing

yeah God this place is

depressing yeah but D that I'm working

all the time now Dad I'm working real

hard I'm getting lead parts sometimes

Dad I'm I'm kind of legit all of a

sudden come on mio come on I always said

if anybody could make something out of

nothing it was you right what that's a

matter papy I came down

because because I want you to meet my

new son with my fer Jun all you got to

see the guy he's so much better looking

funnier more talented than you ever

were and I get a look in my

face like when you want to fart but you

don't want to make

noise that's that's great

dad that's really great I'm really happy

for you

man I got to go on I got to go back on

there so and I can't see you after the

show Dad because I told some people I

was going to meet him afterwards

so I'll catch you around don't worry

about

it you never like me do

you no you never like me

you know what your problem is you know

your your problem is that you had it too

easy it's not like I beat you or

anything you know Dad that I'm glad

you're going to therapy okay but you're

remembering somebody else's life all

right cuz the [ __ ] you did to me in

pooie dad

is it's just unforgivable I don't want

to hear the goddamn lies anymore but you

going to listen to me on

man you're going to listen to me

dad cuz I've been trying to get you to

notice me my whole life

Dad if you

could you could just be my hero for one

minute

D why can't you be my here for one

minute

there and do one thing that's going to

help me forgive

you you always got to [ __ ] it up right

and now that I got something going good

here you want to step on it

now who's the also Rand

theread I

knew oh I

knew I knew you were there that day at

the

restaurant and you never said a word

then and I love you for

that my way my way maybe it's not the

way you want but you know life doesn't

always work out the way you

want so this is all you can be and this

is all you can do will you go out there

and you be the best goddamn junky you

can

[Applause]

be now come over here and give me a

kiss well not on the lips

and for the first time in my

life I saw my

father the man in the

tux and my father had never accepted

what the world told him he was supposed

to

be and then it hit me right then and

there that I could never escap escape

myself no matter how much I ran or no

matter how much I

pretended that I was going to have to

own

myself and then everything would fall

into place then all then I could be

master of my own

destiny just like my Morales and chus

line and every Moreno Ares pente chichin

Chong Freddy Prince before me who had to

eat it live it get fed up with it schem

it marav Elliot and who dug right down

to the bottom of their souls to turn

nothing into

something this is for

you and to you Dad

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

he

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

oh

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

what do you think I'm a freak I'm not a

freak am I