Original subtitles

Frederick and Claire.

I've met a girl I like today.

She's, like, beautiful.

Emily Fitch. Ebs, you want to spruce up, yeah? Get some decent friends like

Katie. Katie Fitch.

Well, here it comes.

She tried to snog my sister at middle school.

Naomi Campbell.

He put her lies about me.

Jonah Jeremiah Jones.

Nice to see you.

James Cook.

Pandora Moon.

Bonkers! Elizabeth Stoner. Maybe we could get to know each other.

Fill in the forms. First one to fill it out gets to get to know me.

Grab my balls! Grab my balls! Grab my balls! Balls!

Sorry. Actually, no.

No, sorry.

Bro, I'm so fucking stoned. I'm 17 today!

That's an event horizon, that's a milestone.

Isn't 18 tradition at the end? Fuck tradition.

Just hope some people turn up.

They'll come.

You invited half the college. All I know is that involves my dick getting dumped.

What are you looking at, you posh student bastards?

Fuck off, back to playgroup.

Stop your whining.

Come here!

Come here!

Come on, leave it.

How real.

Best pub in the West.

Hello, boys.

All right, Christina.

Aye, aye, lads.

Here's the birthday boy.

Did you do all this?

Took me a long time. A good 40, 45 minutes.

You all right?

Touch of pain in the privates. It's the old whore wound.

Nothing I can't handle.

These are me boys, Freddie.

JJ, boys. This is Uncle Keith. Hi. Hello.

Pull my finger.

You dirty old bugger.

If you'd be so kind, Christina.

When I woke, the pool was three feet deep in piss.

I shouted, don't jump in! But it was too late.

So just you and the books, the rovers and the 21s ready to do that in one

night? Just me, the lads and a shitload of all-inclusive mild. And they never

pinned it on me.

Plus, you've got to remember, this was 1962.

I mean, Pontins was a fairly permissive place back then. A bit like Afghanistan

in the 70s, but with the crankies and slightly more Taliban.

I told that woman we hit Bob Dylan over the head with a box of fish fingers.

Another time.

Got to go and see a man about a dog.

Dog filled with drugs.

See you, boys.

Oh, happy birthday, Cookie.

That, my friends, is where you can see a legend.

To who, exactly?

What? Who see a legend to?

Me.

Blokes in pubs, Christina.

People. I think the guy's crazy. Exactly, man.

Exactly.

Say my name, please, Christina.

Hey, look, man. Look at that.

Quality totty. That's top-shelf shit.

Guys, guys.

Hey, baby.

I'm so happy to introduce you to my legend. Do you know how? In celebration

of my birthday.

Apart from you.

What are you doing here? You burnt my house, man. Get out! It was an accident.

Sorry.

What the fuck?

I'm 17 today, so all bets are off. Do what the fuck you like. Flush your mates

down the toilet, eat grapes off each other, smash speakers over your heads.

If 14's a crime, he's gonna get arrested first. Let's go fucking mental!

Hey!

Party people!

He's a jolly good fella.

He's a jolly good fella.

For he's a jolly good fellow.

And so say all of us.

Thanks, man. Thank you very much.

What's next?

Oh, yeah. More drinks! More drinks!

More drinks! More drinks! More drinks! More drinks!

Yeah? Yeah.

He's fun.

You have no idea. He's already had half a bottle of vodka. Really?

How crazy.

Yeah. Tequila!

Who's in?

Yeah, okay. Anyone else?

Yeah, go on then. Yeah.

Airwolf.

Let's go, man.

Do you want to see your birthday trick? Lay it on me, Magic Man. One pint of

normal drinking water.

You'll like this one. I've seen it before.

What? He was Magic?

Someone's been drinking.

Milkshake.

Strawberry milkshake. Am I right?

Yeah, how did you know? Am I a ninja or am I not a ninja?

Christina, we've had rejection.

We need a bucket, a mop and 16 shots of turkey!

Great.

It's the lesbian come to gay us up.

Shh. I told you to fucking... Hi, everyone.

Hi. Hi.

Want to know a secret?

What?

I know the cure.

Cure for what?

It's my car.

What the hell are you talking about?

Hey, look what I made.

Cake. Top, man. Fucking top.

It's double chocolate chip cookie.

Cheers, girl.

My cake.

Mine.

You okay?

Yeah, totally cool. Just a bit.

You know, full.

Can't believe you ate the whole thing.

Well, someone had to get this party started. Party?

Do you call this a party?

Where's the conversation?

Where's the dancing? Where are the men? Women.

Your boys.

Do you want to measure my dick?

It's daddy-sized.

So you think this party's shit, yeah?

It's a little bit.

It could be. It's shit.

Something's got to happen, man. Something big.

Come on, man.

I'm ready. Just tell me when. Give me a sign.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Thank you, man.

What?

Where are you? I can't hear you.

I don't have anything, OK?

Who is it? My sister, Karen. Tell her I said hi.

No, I haven't got anything, OK? You'll have to find your own. No, I don't have

any drugs. Bye.

Why couldn't you hear her? She's at some engagement party. Her mate Kayleigh's

getting hitched.

So it'd be free bar, free entry, that kind of thing?

Yeah, I suppose so. Why?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

No. No way.

Why not? Because my sister's there and I don't want to see her. And plus she

doesn't like you very much.

Why not? I'm always touching her and flirting with her.

Yeah. Her tits stand to attention when I'm around. I've seen it. Listen to me.

We're not going.

No.

No. No way.

Not coming in. Why not?

Private party.

Plus underage.

Plus don't like the look of you.

Not coming in.

Listen to me, robot.

Right, you may rank way above me in terms of strength and size, but at least

I can look.

Now, can you let me in?

Not coming in.

Listen, fate has brought me here.

Do you understand? You're not letting fate in the club.

It's not like fate is wearing trainers or anything. Fate just wants a couple of

drinks, a little dance.

And fate is actually also desperate for the toilet now.

How about you fuck off?

How about you're a fucking cock? I'll fucking break your fucking face, mate.

What? I said I'll fucking break your fucking feet.

You can get your fucking head kicked in here.

Come on.

Just chill out, yeah?

Don't think he's going to let us in?

Nah.

It's just an obstacle. We're meant to go to this party.

Fatal sortie.

Just wait. I'm really getting in.

Freddie, what the fuck are you doing here?

Hi, Karen.

You can't come in, it's private. Don't be like that, sis.

It's Cook's birthday.

Unless you've got drugs, fuck off and take your friends with you. Oh, come on,

Karen. I'll make it up to you, I promise.

Yeah, look, it's not my decision, it's her party.

I'm getting married.

Oh, congratulations.

Oh, Jesus.

Will you let us in?

Well, there is a pretty strict dress code.

How strict?

Exactly.

Let's cock-a-roo, baby!

Isn't it lush?

Daddy says nothing's too good for me.

You got that right, babe.

So, are you marrying?

Oh, just some guy.

He's a bit of a twat.

Ah, cheers, man.

When she said party... You thought she meant more of an acid-fueled sex rave

without the mankinions.

This is more... Jelly and ice cream.

Oh, get it down, you girls.

Top three beers, yeah? Love it.

Christ, I hate champagne.

Why are you fucking drinking it, then? It's free.

Dad! Hey, Dickens.

Hi. This is cooking.

Finish your drink, kid.

Have as much as you like.

Nothing's too good for my Kayleigh.

Right? Right.

And I wouldn't want anything to ruin the... drop the tone.

Anything at all.

Okay? Right you are.

Enjoy.

Kayleigh, you're almost a woman. Thanks, Daddy.

Almost.

See you around, Cookie.

You twat, didn't you know?

Fuck it, I'm just getting started.

What's the fuss?

It's Johnny White.

The gangster.

Yeah, legend.

He murdered those two nuns over a pint of Guinness.

Allegedly. I hear he once stabbed a policeman in the neck with a stuffed

guillemot. It's so not true.

It was a puppet.

So, who's for narcotics?

Me. Me. Me.

Me? What?

I've decided I love drugs.

Mmm.

Rum punch.

What is it?

Uncle Keith's special blend.

A hallucinogenic opiate and stimulant. Four hours of THC giggles and MDMA highs

with a transcendental kicker.

Sounds good.

Well, come on then, Jesus.

All in good time, babes.

Wait, girl. Yeah?

Hold that.

Fuck's sakes, are we getting any award?

Hang on. What you doing?

What? Was that wrong?

Did you just swallow my drugs? She's fucking finished it. It tastes horrible.

You're not supposed to eat it. It goes up the nose, you twat.

Let's go fly a kite, girl.

Well, what about us?

Well, you can drink some of the weird girl's blood. She's like a walking

syringe.

I said you shouldn't have let them in. Where's the loaf? You're a wanker,

James.

You will get us some more, won't you, Cookie?

Yeah.

Because if you could, that would be... God.

Really?

Really great.

I need more Class A drugs,

quick. Why?

Because that Kayleigh girl just gave me the look.

What sort of look is that? This one.

Right, see what you mean.

Freddie, we've got to get this man some drugs.

Why?

Do the look.

What does that mean?

He isn't getting laid tonight, Fred.

He's not Kayleigh.

It could mean JJ.

You're not fucking up.

I thought you liked Effie. Yeah, she's a peach.

I already tapped that. Top dollar shag.

She's my last resort. Sure thing, I reckon.

You shagged Effie?

No, I couldn't, my friend.

When?

First day of matter.

Why didn't you tell us?

Because apart from those times when my cock is actually up your ass, you have

no reason to worry about where it is the rest of the time.

But... JJ likes her.

I was going to ask her out. I mean, she seemed like she liked me. You snooze,

you lose, dude.

Anyway, I've got a snake in my dick that's about to throw up.

Get low, get low, then pick up, pick up. Get your hands in the air, it's a stick

up, stick up. Shake it, never move it, quicker, quicker.

Yeah, I'm shaking down the town, get the picture, picture. I'm moving on the

floor, gotta love that.

Naomi!

Wait! What?

Where are you going?

Home.

Don't go.

Why not?

I don't know.

Because...

Why does your sister think I'm gay?

Sorry.

See you around, Emily.

The father of the bride, Mr Johnny White.

So,

my daughter's getting married and she couldn't have chosen a nicer bloke.

Steve Heston.

Unfortunately, Steve couldn't attend today without violating the terms of his

probation. He couldn't be here himself, but he is well represented by members of

his family.

Welcome, Hestons. No more rucks, no more knives, no more pliers.

We're going to be tight as a badger's bum. The whites and the Hestons brought

together in the marriage bed. Still fucking each other, but in a good way.

Come up here, sweetheart.

You've kept yourself pure for so long for this task of peace.

In times of strife, you've let up my life and now you're gonna be Steve's

wife.

And I just want to say, don't you look a picture?

Just these.

Alright,

charge your glasses with free booze and raise them, Kayleigh and Steve.

I need a favour.

Uncle Keith, hey.

My cooking.

Cheers. Not a problem.

There you go. Direct from Western Superman.

You're a lifesaver, Keith.

Gotta go cook.

Gotta see a dog about a bone. A bone that is my cock.

Get out then.

Okay.

Not that.

The drugs idiot.

Okay.

Thank you.

Is that all you're doing?

Yeah.

That was a hamster-sized boom, don't you want any more?

No.

Oh.

Oh. Okay.

So? So.

Okay, I'll see you later.

What? I thought we were going to both.

And what made you think that? You've had the drugs and you gave me the look.

What look? This one.

What the fuck is that? That's the old fuck for drugs look. Now stop arguing

and get out of my car. What?

No. Blow me then.

My dick is clean. I don't care.

Handjob? No. But you've got to let me have a go on your tits. What's she doing

here? That's a deal breaker.

Listen.

If anyone's going to get a lick of my fanny, they'll have to impress me.

So, if you do, I'll let you stick it anywhere.

My tits.

My arse.

My armpit.

Anywhere.

You're filthy.

Yes, I am.

And look, no knickers.

Whoops.

See ya.

Okay.

It's a nice day for a white wedding.

It's a nice day to start a girl.

Why was he doing that?

Was he gonna sing?

Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to dedicate this to a very special lady.

Oh shit, this is gonna be bad.

I've been alive forever And I wrote

the very first song I put the

words and the melodies together I am music and

I write the songs

I write the songs that make the whole world sing I write

the songs of love and special things I write the

songs that make those young girls cry I write the

songs, I write the songs Oh my music makes you dance

It gives you spirit to take a chance.

And I wrote some rock and roll so you can move.

Music fills your heart.

Boy, that's a real fun place to start.

It's from me. It's for you. It's from you. It's for me. It's a worldwide

symphony.

I write the songs that make me whole.

I'll write the songs that make the young girls cry.

I'll write the songs, I'll write the songs.

I'll write the songs that make the whole world sing.

I write the songs that make the young girls cry

I write the songs, I write the songs

I'm upset, Cookie.

You made me look like a fucking idiot, and I'm not used to that, you know? Are

you sure?

Stick him up on there.

I want to teach this fucker a lesson he'll never forget.

See, you tried to ruin my lovely party.

And now, really, really bad things are going to happen.

It's worth it. It takes a minute.

Mr... Mr White.

He's very sorry.

I'll take him home.

And we're leaving.

We don't want to upset your beautiful daughter anymore.

You're right.

She is beautiful.

It's your lucky day.

Let him go.

Not like that, you posse!

My fucking dress!

Fucking hell, Johnny, you fucking... Oh, God.

Whoopsie.

Look at my tracksuit, you weaselly little prick!

What'd you say?

You're a weaselly, cunting prick.

You fucking hobbit. And we've all fucked your daughter, haven't we, lads?

What'd you fucking say?

Ah, fuck off!

PUNCH HIM, CRAIG! GO! RUN! STOP!

Let's party now.

Cool party.

Cheers.

You're fucking unbelievable.

I needed to get laid, man.

You're always fucking trying to get laid.

I try and succeed, right?

Speaking of which, any of you girls fancy it?

No, thanks.

You're repulsive.

Where'd go?

You're beautiful, but no.

Tuppenceville's all funny.

I'll buy it then, Peachy. Looks like it's just me and you.

Come on, Amy Winehouse.

Home.

See ya.

Come on, we'll go somewhere else. Somewhere with women.

Nah.

I ain't going anywhere.

Why the fuck not?

I'm tired.

I'm going home, right?

It's two o'clock. What the fuck are you talking about? You're tired.

I'm tired of you, mate.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I can't look after you anymore.

I can't do it.

Oh, fuck you, then!

Go on, fuck off, then!

Come in, then.

Sure.

Let's go find some fucking women.

Hey, Kirk.

What is this place?

Oh, it's just a club.

Late night thing, you know. Lots of girls.

Friendly.

Oh. Okay.

Grab my hand.

Let's take a walk on the beach.

Let's clear our minds.

Hold your stream, yeah.

Don't you like that beat?

You do?

What else you like?

I can accommodate that. Oh, my stars and garters.

Right, my number?

Swag.

You like how I changed it up?

I like it too, babe.

But for now... I think the beat is going a little bit too long.

Hello, boys.

Looking for a sex dance?

You like Frankie? Hello, daddies.

She's double-jointed.

So?

It's Frankie. Well, we're actually after the other service.

A bit of the other.

Stepping this way, please.

The other service?

Yeah.

It's an artsy-knocking art gauger. You get to lose your virginity to an odds

-on, moderately pretty girl.

I'm not sure I want to.

Listen to me.

Are you a fucking scrawny little mousey queer boy or are you a man with a

functioning set of cock and balls?

The second one. Good.

Come on then, let's get the fuck on.

Yeah.

So, what sort of thing are you looking for?

I'd like a woman with big tits.

And you?

Same thing, but not too big, right?

Yes, I know the perfect girls for you.

Amber!

Megan!

Yes!

All right, gorgeous.

This way.

And Megan.

Here she is.

Hello. Oh, curly hair.

You do?

So, will you let me do anything I ask her? Anything. But it will cost you,

mind. How much to whack you with a cracker? 100.

Whoa!

That's a lot more than I've got.

How much for your straight ahead, run-of-the-mill bread and butter shag?

75.

What if I'm really good? It don't make no difference, darling.

OK. I guess I'll just have an handjob, then.

All right.

It's first time, then.

You've got cash on you.

Right, tick-tock, clothes off, we'll get you started.

Come on, then, let's have a look at it.

OK. You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

Could I kiss you?

We don't do kissing.

That's all I want to do.

Sod it.

Come on, then.

Could you...

Show me how I've never really... You've never kissed a girl?

No.

Well, my mum.

Aunt Lucy.

Right. Aunt Lucy.

I'm sorry.

Come here.

That was nice.

Much better than Aunt Lucy.

Want to do it again?

I don't mind.

Yeah.

Jesus, Amber, you've got liquid fucking fingers. You like that, yeah?

I like it very much.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hold on. Hold on.

Who's that?

Is that...? Oh, that's just Johnny, Greta's regular.

Seven inches, freaky foreskin, big tipper.

Wicked! Sorry if you're fucking, sorry if you're fucking, sorry if you're

fucking, sorry if you're fucking, sorry... What kind of fucking gay shit

is this?

Cook. You're supposed to be banging her, not canoodling.

I'm sorry.

Pay the girl, JJ.

Something's come up and I'm not talking about you, will you?

No, no, no charge. I can't charge for a kiss. Really?

Actually, no.

That'll be a tenner, please.

What's going on?

I like that.

I like that. Oh, Madame Greta. Say Madame Greta. Madame Greta.

Electrocution. Electrocution.

Behind this door, there's opportunity.

What do you mean?

Who's that?

Yes. Yes.

Now you stay here, naughty boy. I'm going to get the barbed wire.

Miss Baron. Thank you.

Right, come on.

You're my witness.

To what?

This is going to blow your mind.

Fuck it, now!

Look who it is.

Say cheese.

What the fuck are you doing here?

We're visiting, Johnny.

Look at you!

Fuck off, I'm busy. Shut the fuck up or I'll fucking punch in your fucking cock!

So, who'd have thought big bad gangster man Johnny White likes to be spanked

like the naughty boy he is?

I like spanking.

What's your problem?

You ruin my chances of sleeping with two girls tonight by making me look stupid.

So? So once I show this little code at me, it's whoever or not I know, you're

the one who's going to look stupid and I'll be a legend for managing to take

it.

This is mine now.

See you around.

You don't have the balls to show that photo. What?

I said, you don't have the balls to show that to anyone.

Right?

You're a fucking helpless little pussy.

Watch me.

Do you know who I am? What I can do?

Yeah.

You heard what I said, boy.

Why don't you say it once more? You don't have the fucking balls.

You don't have the fucking balls.

You don't have the fucking...

Cook!

Come on, let's go.

Hey, Cookie, does your mummy know where you are?

What?

Your mum.

But you're the apple of her cuntin' eye.

Shut up. Don't speak about my mum.

I think you came here to see her, didn't you?

Shut up!

Because your mum is a fucking slut.

Shut up about my family. You don't know me, so shut the fuck up.

That's enough. Do you know who I am?

What I can fucking do?

Please, stop it. Stop it. I'm cocked. I'm fucking... Stop it!

I'm cocked!

Stop it, man!

It's me!

It's JJ!

Fucking shit.

Fucking bastard.

Fucking cunt.

Kid. Kid.

I like you, kid.

You're alright.

Shut up!

But next time I see you, you're dead.

Is there no one to condemn you?

Where have all the holy gone?

Is there...

Kirk,

what the hell are you doing at 6am? It's Saturday morning.

Everyone's asleep, including me. Wait, wait!

Okay Okay, I'll meet you in the shed

Jesus man, have you not stopped drinking?

Don't be a cock about it, I've been up all night.

So what are

we

doing today then? Didn't you hear what I said last night?

Oh, come on, Manu's just in a bad mood.

Yeah, I was.

Cos you almost got us killed.

Yeah,

sorry about that.

You're apologising?

It's a first.

Something happened.

I wasn't me.

I was me.

I don't know.

I did something stupid.

It's nothing new.

Something really stupid.

Something I wouldn't have done if you was there. Right, so you've come here to

ask me to look after you all the time.

Make sure you don't do anything stupid ever again.

Something like that.

No.

What? I'm not going to do that.

Why not? Because lately, it's like you go looking for trouble.

I wouldn't say I do. Do you want to die, mate? Is that what you want?

You're drinking yourself to death, you're fighting gangsters.

I don't even want to know what happened last night.

You're killing yourself to impress some pissed up old wanker in a pub.

Why are you smiling?

Because it's ours.

Isn't it?

Me, you and JJ.

Best mates for life.

You're not taking me with you, okay?

I fucking love you, man.

I fucking love you to bits.

I... Yeah.

Okay.

We've got to stop all this crazy shit.

Sure, take the pussy.

It's what you say.

here for business or pleasure. Sorry?

Snake eyes watching you.

Hang on. He's pushing over my fucking shindig.

You're African. Come on.

I want you to see what kind of man you're dealing with,

Thomas.

I'm against the Joker!