Original subtitles

Drop the body, you sick fuck.

Curtis.

Paul Bunyan, your 30-year spree of murder, arson, and cannibalism is over.

But I haven't even had dessert.

Get behind me, sir. Leprechauns have notoriously sour flesh. No, nothing

standing between me and justice. I'm taking you in.

You folkloric fuck.

Oh, shit!

Anti-flannel! Stand down, O'Doyle.

The buck stops with me.

Shit!

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and...

Sir, you'll...

Eat you next time!

What goes around comes around, Bunyan.

Man, I was worried there for a second. Just glad we had that obsidian

boomerang. And you said it was an impulse buy. I know what I'm doing,

O'Doyle. You're right, sir. You're so right.

We'll take it from here, sir.

Troy, Bob, I want that bastard's paranormal body tagged and bagged. The

campers, too. I want to know who they were. I'll call their families myself.

Standard T&B. Got you, sir.

O'Doyle, call a press conference.

I've got a nation to address.

What? I don't know how to do that.

Goddammit, where is my new robot chief of staff? I thought she started today.

It's 5 a.m., sir. Also, did you say robot?

All right, we're tagged and bagged. Get ready to ship out. Wait, who's got the

head? I think Mikey does. He was tagging and bagging by the RV.

Hey, Mikey, you got the head? What?

The head.

I got a head.

You do?

Oh, yeah.

Tagged and bagged. Good old Mikey. Don't get more reliable than that. All right,

boys, that's a wrap. Load out.

And so I said to the senator, I said, you kiss your Labrador with that mouth?

Uh-oh.

And what did the senator say, sir? About kissing the Labrador? What? No, it was a

joke, O'Doyle. He didn't actually kiss the dog.

Oh. What's on the docket today, Banks? Well, the four-score bill is advancing

to Congress.

You know, adding a stone-top hat to Lincoln's head on Mount Rushmore. Oh,

this fucking hat, man. I thought I said we're not doing it. Even Lincoln's ghost

called it stupid.

Yeah, well, the hatters think you're a big dumb liar, and that being anti-hat

is anti-American.

Yes, Janice? Sir, I've received several calls saying that Paul Bunyan is back

from the dead. Excuse me? But we killed him six to 12 months ago.

Also, he's a tree now.

Holy shit.

What is up with his body? Wait, why is he still ripped?

He tree now?

Guys, did you hear about Bunyan? I told my wife and kid to lock all the doors.

Oh, yep, you're on it.

I guess he's kind of hot for a tree, huh? Damn, this is blowing up. The

Hatters are really running with it. He went out there and boxed the guy, and

surprise, surprise, Bunyan lived because our president thinks he's Batman.

He lied about Bunyan's head, and now we're supposed to trust him with

Lincoln's? Curtis can't keep us safe, plain and simple. This is why we need

the hat.

I'm sorry, how does the hat fit into all this? I'm tired of having my cum taxed.

Okay, so he's just mad.

Sir, what are you doing?

Going to cuff Bunyan. Hell yeah. We are back. I will follow you anywhere, sir.

You can't just do what you did last time. That will play right into your

critics' hands.

You want me to change what I do because people are talking shit? I'm not going

to play 4D chess with a bunch of assholes whose baseline is hating me.

Tell him, sir. I don't do politics, and I don't play games. I'm here to protect

the people. Sir, there are multiple ways to win a fight, and not all of them

involve punching a face. Let's be strategic here. Oh, my God. You sound

like my ex-wife.

Beverly? Oh, she's wonderful.

Zip it, chumps.

And Banks, you didn't see what I saw. That piece of shit was eating a soccer

mom. Yeah, unpleasant.

I have a job to do, and this time I'll finish it. Okay, but... No butts, no

cuts, no coconuts. Let's roll.

Not you, though, chumps. You stay here. Copy that.

Paul Bunyan, back from the dead? Many Americans are locking their doors as the

murderous lumberjack appears to be free once again.

As a tree.

That's right, Mika, good noticing.

His head has been merged with the one thing he hated most, which has left some

wondering, is this actually the campground cannibal, or is he something

else? Well, he's certainly very hot. Almost as hot as your dad, and I can say

that because I'm your stepsister.

Just got an Oval Alert from the White House. President Curtis is aware of Paul

Bunyan. You have nothing to fear. He's got this.

Wow, this feels very personal for Curtis. Remember when he bragged about

killing him and now he's walking around not killed at all? Wow.

Wowie, wow, wow.

Wow.

Okay, Oval Alert is out. I left off the gif of you winking over your sunglasses.

What? Who authorized you to leave off the wink? Not me.

Bunyan's close.

Tracked him based on the video's metadata.

Thank you.

All right, Banks, take the wheel. What? Whoa! You can't just get up in the

middle of a flight, Denzel.

Just keep it steady. I'm going in. Sir, give me a minute. I'll find a place to

land. We can base him together.

Another minute for him to eat someone? Fuck that.

Great plan, sir. Should I rappel down with you? I can go piggyback like we

sometimes do. I'm fine, O'Doyle. I know what I'm doing. Oh, that's true. He

does. He knows what he's doing.

Where are you, you bastard?

If a man falls in the woods, but no one's around to hear it, does he make a

sound? Uh-huh. If this is going to be your whole personality now, let's hit

skip intro.

You can't outlive justice, Bunyan. I'm bringing you in.

Ma'am. Should have paid more attention during our lip-reading training.

Smips? Smee?

Smee? Smee Lulu.

Nailed it.

Uh, O'Doyle?

We got company.

There he is. There's Bunyan, and you can clearly see Curtis facing off with him,

doing the same thing he did before.

Bunyan is unarmed. I repeat, there is no axe, just rugged good looks.

They've come to watch you, Curtis.

Should we give them a show?

Uh-huh. You gonna come quietly, or am I gonna have to moach your ass? Or we can

do it my way.

Hey, what the hell is this?

He's making a move. Oh, shit.

Urban side.

God damn it, old Doyle. Shit, shit, onion.

Get back here, you evil bastard.

Running and laughing again.

I got you, you son of a bitch.

You're persistent.

I'll give you that.

Dumbass.

It's over, Bunyan. No, Curtis.

It's just beginning.

No, no. No, no. No, no. Don't do it. Don't you say something cool and then

jump. Timber.

God damn it, he did it.

Motherfucker didn't even float.

Come on.

Sir, can you sit still? I told you, I can do my own stitches. I just need a

tampon and a fishhook. Feels like that would get infected pretty fast.

But hey, you're the big macho president. Here's a big Transformers Band-Aid for

our macho president.

What the hell was that about?

Bunion sympathizer.

Fucking rat.

As predicted, this is looking unbelievably awful for you, sir. Don't

listen to her. Oh, he's an expert at that. Case in point.

Is Curtis a piece of shit? That's the question the hatters are asking.

Thousands are planting trees to protest Curtis' attack on a super hot and

unarmed tree man.

Think about this. His greatest enemy brought him back to life. The bottom

line? If trees forgave Bunyan, maybe we should too.

Well, he's a tree now, which means he can photosynthesize food, right? So are

we sure he's even still a cannibal? Like, was Groot still a cannibal? Any

enemy. of Curtis is a friend of mine. So today I'm going to show you how to melt

down your guns into a shovel so you can plant a tree. Will you shut that shit

off? It's not just the hatters anymore. We need a different strategy.

It's a free country, Banks. If people want to smoke crack or plant trees for a

cannibal, that's their right. Sir, crack is illegal. That bill is stuck in the

house. And we don't know he's still a cannibal. A lot of people think he grew

roots to shake your hand. He's a goddamn monster, Banks. He tried to eat me. Glad

I acted. I had it under control, O'Doyle. He wouldn't have ran if you

just listened to me.

Any sign of him? Still nothing, sir. We've got teams scanning the entire

river basin. And I don't mean to sound racist, but all these trees look alike.

Maybe don't put that in the report. Yes, ma'am. Finch, how are you coming with

that anti-bunion spray?

It's fascinating. His DNA is almost purely arboreal, with the exception of

one unknown genome.

I call it the bunion factor.

I used that and an old can of Axe body spray to make this anti-foliage mist.

Think Finch!

Agent Auburn? It's like Agent Orange, but a bit less toxic.

Well, not to him. It'll make him bleed goo out of all of his holes.

What the?

Vance, did you call for backup? No, sir. Not unless I sat on my armhut again.

Wait, is that your ex-wife?

Christ, here we go.

Good to see you, Governor.

Only you could look that good coming out of a helicopter.

And only you can look that good in a dirty tank top, but you know I didn't

fly here to flirt. I figured, but worth a shot.

Andre, do you have any idea where your base camp is?

The woods?

Quincy, Illinois.

You're in my state, Andre.

The manhunt crossed state lines, and I'm pretty sure you know we've got white

flag laws here.

But Bev... If any monster or criminal wants to surrender, they have the legal

right to rehabilitation.

General Reese, set up a command station.

Jessica, get me a meeting with the head of this operation's armed forces.

On it. Yes, ma'am. Uh, duh, Doy. You don't need a meeting with the head of

armed forces. You're talking to him. He's the commander-in-chief. Oh, Doyle.

No, no, it's fine. Been a minute since I've seen you, Francis.

Still provoking my ex-husband to make bad decisions?

Actually, don't answer that. You just took a shot at an unarmed botanicoid and

escalated this into a national crisis.

I didn't take the shot.

I got the shot.

And how did that go? It wasn't a particularly strategic move, but we're

regrouping. Banks, right? Yes, ma'am. Heard about you. I assume it's your job

to pump the brakes when Andre is punching the gas.

I can neither confirm nor deny that, Governor. Professional and loyal.

You sure you're working for the right guy?

Okay, you two, enough steely banter. Bev, I'm always happy to help. But I've

got this under control. Andre, with all due respect, you lost control the minute

you showed up in a mech suit. Listen, I'm not saying Bunyan is good, but I

don't want him dead.

Let me take the lead. We can bring him in together.

You're right, Bev. You're right. You always were my common sense.

Okay, now you're back to flirting.

You want flirting? Come back to the White House with me tonight, and I'll

sing you Bill Withers in my silk onesie. Sounds like that's more for you than me.

Hey, do you people have any real bandages? My guys have me in this kid

stuff. Mm-hmm. You're not gonna regret this, Andre. I know taking a step back

isn't your style, but trust me, it works. Okay, I like you. Literally been

saying the same thing.

Wait.

Andre?

We really should put a bell on him or something She's gonna be so

pissed ha ha excellent idea sir brilliant idea He's toast onions toast.

We're gonna bring that piece of shit down. Hell. Yes, sir. What's the plan?

What's the move?

What? You know, for cloaking us or hiding us. We're flying a stolen chopper

in highly visible airspace.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Way ahead of you. I stole this brick from the base camp. You

can never go wrong with a brick. Is that true?

Ready to jump? Wait, like, right now? Yes, just jump, O'Doyle. It's part of

the plan. Well, shit!

Tree, tree, tree, tree, tree, tree!

Okay,

they'll probably notice that.

I didn't have a plan. Yeah, I figured that out.

Ask Curtis! Plant trees!

Ask Curtis!

Ma'am, we got protesters everywhere.

They're moving into the woods, trying to reach Bunyan before the president does.

Governor, they found our chopper, or what's left of it. It exploded.

Of course it did. I assume the president's not dead or you'd really be

bearing the lead. Don't ever speak for me again. We believe they jumped. Can't

find them, though. Not on satellite or infrared.

Ugh, ten bucks says they covered themselves in mud. Curtis make you watch

Predator? Is that even a question? He used my brain to rewrite the screenplay,

so the ending has even more explosions.

By the way, I get that. you can't say what you're thinking, which is that I'd

be a better leader. God knows I'd like to say it. You kind of did just say it.

You know, you didn't answer me before.

About what? I asked if you're sure you're working for the right guy.

I mean, he tossed you out like a bag of mushrooms when the cops are coming.

Pretty specific example.

I used to drink drink in grad school and you still didn't answer.

Curtis is just passionate.

And you're not?

General Reese, get Miss Banks a chopper. Yes, ma'am. That chopper coming up.

What's happening here? You have a robot braid and the ability to track Curtis

down. Please, go stop this.

Do what you know is right. And if Curtis tosses you to the curb again, I've got

your back.

Chopper is ready, ma'am. You can even remote control this one with your arm

thing in case that's important at some point. The choice is yours, Banks.

What do you want to do?

Also, please don't tell anyone about the mushrooms. I may have overshared.

Bunyan, Bunyan, he's our tree. If trees are hot, they should be free.

God, it'd be so cool to meet him. I just want to glaze him, tell him how awesome

he is. Whoa, check this out. Oh, my God, whoa.

Hello, friends.

Bunyan! Oh, my God, I'm totally a Bunyan stan. I just want you to know you're a

smoke show and you're safe with us. You see it, don't you? The beauty.

Yeah, trees are hot. And hungry.

Wait, what?

Oh, my God!

Delicious. Sir, I think that's enough mud. You can't have too much, O'Doyle.

Mud is basically an invisibility cloak. And what's with this passive-aggressive

superhero mask you gave yourself? You look ridiculous.

Well, sir, I put as much thought into it as you put into your plan.

Oh, my God. Can't you just track Bunyan's aura?

No, sir. There's nothing.

I've been following a madman. What are you muttering about?

How am I supposed to protect you if you keep blindly making bad decisions?

Banks was right. We need some strategy. I'm working on it, you mudless baby.

You like that, Bunyan? I hope you can feel that shit all the way down to your

roots. Wait, sir, that's it. Me insulting you? No, the roots.

I could try to isolate the root networks he's come in contact with.

I need to really dilate. Like, really, really dilate. But if I make grunting

sounds like I'm shitting, it's because I'm concentrating hard, not shitting.

Shitting. Oh.

Okay.

Got something.

Went northwest, hungry for meat, and he's... He misses the feel of denim on

his legs.

Who likes the feel of denim? Guy still eats people for sure.

Good work, O'Doyle. Come on. Also, I wasn't shitting before, but now I need

to.

Tracking down Curtis, also known as POTUS.

The hell?

Whoa, look at all these bunion heads.

And hatters.

And hippies?

Damn, there's nudists too?

Nope, wait, that's just two people having sex.

Aw, but they're from opposing viewpoints.

Damn, the guy's really bringing people together.

The trail's getting stronger, sir. He's been here recently.

Good. Let's make this bitch payback.

Shit! Hi! Hi!

I told you to put more mud on. Sir, it's a military chopper, not an alien eye

scan. Oh, so now you're a mud truther? Just rub it all over your body. What

kind of adventure were you guys having?

Banks? Wait, how'd you find us? Oh, you still have your cell phone in your

pocket. Easiest hack and trace I've ever done. Shh.

Shit. Sir, come on. Let's go back to base camp. No one needs to know you

destroyed a $20 million chopper for your personal vendetta. Uh, weird

observation. This tree has a drum in it. What the fuck? Whoa.

And this one has a backpack.

Well, okay, and there's a foot. Okay, that is weird. The tree's DNA is almost

entirely arboreal, with one unknown genome.

The bunion factor. The bunda flip-flop gene.

Sorry, thought that's what you were going to say. He's using trees to eat

people? I fucking knew it! I can't believe I've been thinking about

strategy while he's out here eating feet. God damn it! Sorry I lost faith in

you for two seconds back there, sir. Never again.

No, no, that's bullshit, guys. It was a vendetta. I hunted Bunyan because I hate

him. And I hate even more that people like him and think he's hot.

He's driving me nuts.

I guess we should take this proof to Beverly.

Regroup with her team.

We got the team right here, sir.

Let's go get his ass.

I mean, how far up do you think it goes, Roger?

All the way to the top, man.

Curtis did some shit that Bunyan knows about, and now Curtis is trying to kill

him to keep him from talking. Looking for trees?

Paul! Paul! Oh, my God, man. Come with us. We know the truth. We're here to

protect you from Curtis.

Spoiler, though, I'm evil.

Oh, no, my boots!

Oh, no! Oh, Jesus!

I just wanted to feel a sense of belonging!

You sick fuck. We finally got you, Bunyan. Your reign of terror is over.

Gonna call your bluff on that one.

Damn it, this hazard sucks. We should have armed up better.

You think your herbicides still work?

Trees adapt.

Adorable little help.

Tender box.

Let's just screw those.

Go ahead, eat me. I will tear you up inside.

Sour flesh.

You're done, Bunyan. This shit is personal.

You think I'm Bunyan? I am tree.

Bunyan's head was raw power, so we claimed it. We gave him a body and used

him as our puppet. Hey, Bunyan, puppet this, dickweed. No, no, no, no!

We trees tried everything.

Thought if we gave people fruit, they'd spread our seeds in their shit and we'd

make it to outer space with the astronauts.

But instead, we got bulldozed, turned into houses for tree killers.

You motherfuckers are destroying everything.

Add one more killer to your list.

Now you know who we are.

If we could, we trees would eat you all.

We will get you next time.

Wow. Took a very specific turn at the end there. What am I supposed to do with

that info? We need trees to survive.

Also, holy shit, Finch was not lying about the goo.

Sir, we have the proof. We can show the world Bunyan was still a murderer.

And if we don't? I mean, for the first time in forever, both sides of the aisle

are united against you. Right now they're planting trees, but who knows

what else they might get done.

But I don't want you to get impeached, so bad decision.

Please tell me you're remote controlling this one, Banks. Negative, sir.

Oh, man, I've seen that face before.

Yeah, she's pissed.

That's kind of the look I always get.

Beverly. I saw the smoke. Wasn't expecting to see his damn head cut off

again.

I see you made your choice.

All right, I want a tight ship on this cleanup. I'll be overseeing every

detail. Let's tag and bag, people. Yes, ma'am. Standard T and B.

Sir, what are we going to do? If we don't tell people, you're going to keep

looking like the villain.

Leave it to me, Banks. I know exactly what to do.

Oh, that's horrible.

That's what I heard. I didn't go for him.

My fellow Americans, as many of you know, I killed Paul Bunyan.

Again. Any questions?

Stucky? Why did you kill Paul Bunyan again? Because there's no place for fear

in this country.

Monson. So you do think Bunyan was still evil?

Yes. Good-looking redhead and... My name is Robert.

You've got all sides of the aisle united against you, and all you have to say is

yes? Pretty much.

Gigi? Are you aware the Lincoln's hat bill just passed unanimously with an

additional $10 billion in eco-friendly legislation?

Yeah, I heard. The hat's dumb, but I respect the votes.

That's all the questions for now. God bless America, and I'll see your asses

on battle swag.

Goodbye.

That was brutal, sir.

Yeah, nice work.

Thanks, guys.

Listen, if this shit goes sideways... I want you to know it's been an honor. I

don't regret a single day, Mr. President. I've got a few I'd like to

take back, but hey, there's always tomorrow.

until you use me up until

you use me up

My brother!

Sit me right down and he'd talk to me.

Good girl, Google.

Did you get any of that?