Original subtitles

Right, I call to order this week's meeting of

the church elders of Noo Scunthorpe.

Are we sticking with Scunthorpe?

At the last meeting I thought we said we'd pick somewhere nicer,

like Noo Bath or Noo Cheltenham.

Hang on, hang on. What's this "noo" business?

Why's everyone saying "noo" now?

Noo is a noo way of saying new.

Or, as I prefer, noo.

Why do we need a new way of saying new?

It's just starting to feel more natural, like my mom was saying.

Like your what? What is going on?

We don't know. There's something noo in the air.

For me, it's just saying "noo" but for others, it's more...

Well, ask Tabitha to say "squirrel."

Oh, yeah, good one. Say "squirrel", Tabitha.

Say, "The squirrel looked in the mirror."

IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT: The squirl looked in the myrr.

THEY LAUGH

What's the problem? Nothing, it's nothing.

Is not laughter sinful? Oh, Christ!

Sorry, Lord!

Shun him. Shun him, for he is a papist and a blasphemer.

ALL: Shun him! Shun him! Shun him!

No, no, no, I didn't mean it, I repent.

Repentance is not for this life, devil.

Do you go to confession with your noo papist friends?

No, of course not. This is New England. Noo England, Satan!

NOO England! And there are no Catholics here at all,

apart from in the French bit.

He has knowledge of the French bit!

He celebrates the French bit's ways, with their dancing

and cuisine and knee tremblers.

What do you know of knee tremblers, jezebel whore?

She speaks of knee tremblers, shun her!

ALL: Shun her! Shun her! Shun her!

Take her hat buckle.

No, not my hat buckle! I need it for if my head changes size.

As well it might as your head swells

with the sexual flattery of Lucifer.

He said "sexual." Shun him!

ALL: Shun him! Shun him! Shun him! No! No!

Shun him!

No!

Just a though, is Lucy short for Lucifer?

I don't think so.

That's a relief. I've got a daughter called Lucy.

He has a daughter called Lucifer!

The devil has sprung from his loins. Shun him!

ALL: Shun him! Shun him! Shun him!

But also shun her for she said "loins."

I meant lions, but I'm dyslexic.

Shun her, for she is dyslexic!

Shun the dyslexic!

ALL: Shun her! Shun her!

Sorry, sorry...

Can I just say, this is all very well

but this is why get very little done in these meetings?

Shun him. Shun! Shun! I'm already shunned.

Shun him again for good measure.

Fuck off, Andrew.

Look, while we're all busy shunning each other, nothing gets achieved.

We're supposed to be discussing digging a well for the village.

Talk to the hand, John, the face isn't listening.

He exhorts us to address his hand.

He wishes us to worship a false idol.

Nay, we shall not bow down

to your instrument of self-pleasure. Shun him!

Shun him! Shun him! Shun him!

Is she saying what I think she's saying?

Yeah, she just called you a wanker.

Previously on Sweary Aussie Drama...

You fucking better do

a fuck site better than that, you lazy fucking prick.

What the fuck?

What the fuck your fucking self!

Who the fuck are you fucking, you fucking bitch?

Mind your own business, you old fucking bastard.

You lost the fucking right to tell me who to fuck

when you lost the fucking farm.

I'll fucking kill the fucker.

What the fuck?

I've kept this fucking farm together through fucking thick

and fucking thin and I'll be fucked

before I lose the fucker to this stupid little fucking cunt.

I thought you loved me, you dick-breath dog-fuck!

So did I, you fucking bitch.

I was only fucking fucking her for the fucking farm.

Fair e-fucking-nough.

I'm fucking lying.

I fucking love you, you stupid fucking bitch.

You fuck!

No! No!

HE WHIMPERS MOCKINGLY

Oh, no!

No!

Fuck!

This is my fucking farm now.

Right. There's going to be a fair few fucking changes around here.

Wait just one fucking moment!

Fuck. Shit. Piss. Cunt.

Who the fuck are you?

I'm your fucking mother.

So wash your fucking mouth out, you dozy fucking bitch.

DOOF-DOOFS PLAY

Hello, there.

What happened to that bloody report?

I don't know, Detective.

Well, you'd better start thinking quick, love.

Or your CID career is going to be as short as that skirt,

you stupid tart.

Treasured memories.

I was actually the last actor on British television

to wolf-whistle at a schoolgirl in a way

the audience was invited to find fun.

But times change and rightly so!

Since then, I've been the bloke playing

a different detective who's older,

a judge who's even older,

and then the chap offering life insurance

with no pesky medical

and a free jigsaw just for applying.

And when I say jigsaw, I mean the cardboard puzzle,

not the power tool which would, ironically,

have invalidated your life insurance.

Anyway, we must get on,

this is turning into an amazingly long advertisement.

But then, you are watching daytime on ITV4,

where the advertising is basically free

and the repeat of The Sweeney this is in the middle of

has had to have six minutes cut out of it

for reasons you can probably guess.

So we've got all the time in the world...

Or have we?

Because we all know that we haven't got forever.

Good boy.

DOG WHINES THUDDING

Benjy's at peace now.

He won't be suffering any more.

To be honest, he was more or less OK,

but he did keep shitting in the lounge.

And if you're shitting in the lounge,

you might want to consider the Deathlitas Cut Your Losses plan.

For a reasonable price, you can pay the ultimate price.

And your loved ones will have the peace of mind

of knowing they can start getting your smell

out of all that lovely property equity.

Meanwhile, you check in

to one of our luxurious clinic-cum-crematoria

kick back in a joint-and-muscle-soothing

motorised recliner -

our nurses humorously refer to them as "electric chairs",

though, of course, you'll be killed by poison injection -

and select a delicious last meal from our menu

of Michelin-adjacent dishes.

Just call the number below

or get your now nearing retirement themselves children

to go to the website to apply.

Deathlitas - when you're getting in the way, call it a day.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

It's platform 10. Sorry?

Platform 10. The 9.06 to Edinburgh Waverley -

it's leaving from platform 10.

You need to be in Durham at lunchtime, you need the 9.06 leaving

in 12 minutes from platform 10. How do you...?

It's that way. The East Coast Mainline trains all leave

from over there. How...?

Go and get on it. I can't bear to watch you

fucking around for another fucking second.

Actually, I'm not going to Durham, so I don't know what you're...

Don't lie to me - you'll just embarrass yourself.

You're Stephen Dobson, you've been recruited by Chinese Intelligence,

your contact is a 23-year-old Chinese national

called Hou Wanjun, posing as a History of Art postgraduate.

You need to be on the 9.06 right now.

Look, I really don't... I'm an MI5 officer, I've blown my cover,

my career is over, I don't know why I did this.

It's your fault, you were just too fucking annoying.

Three months. Three months I've had you under surveillance -

watching you shuffling around in your stupid life like

the dozy prick you are.

Smashing that bottle of TCP in the chemist's

and then just walking off without apologising.

Picking your nose in the bakery

and then fingering the croissants without using the tongs.

Locking yourself out of your own house like a dickhead.

That coat. And it was only last week

that I very nearly dragged you out of your car

so I could park it for you. 15 minutes to get

a Toyota Yaris into a not especially difficult space.

That was a very small space!

My mother can parallel park better than you and she's 84.

And as for your mother, don't think I didn't notice the way you tried

to muscle in on the flowers your sister sent

for her birthday when they were nothing to do with you.

Sorry, can I just say, I completely agree.

You're an absolute asshole.

Who, are you?! The private investigator hired by your wife.

To monitor your wretched affair. With wretched Jeanine,

who could do so much better. Oh, so much better.

Can you believe the way he talks to Jeanine?

I've wiretapped paedophiles with better manners.

I... You bloomin'...!

Aaaah!

Drink? Yeah, all right.

That's the Lincoln train, you dick!

Morning, Jim. Morning.

So, um, we're recording our radio play next week,

um, but we've just got a list of sound effects -

er, just general sounds and noises,

that we'd like to get in the can first.

Mm-hm. Just the things where we couldn't find library sounds

that we need you to work your magic on, Jim.

Work my magic? Yeah.

So there's quite a bit to get through.

I'll just dive straight in. Erm,

first up, woman running barefoot along a high-street pavement.

Yeah, no problem, I can do that with my cock.

Your what? My cock.

I can make that noise with my cock.

No offence.

Oh, er, that's... That's OK. Do you need us to...?

No, no, I'll do it when you've gone. I'll just make a note.

Pavement, feet, cock.

HE SNIFFS OK, what's next?

Right, um...

We... CLEARS THROAT

We need a sound of a digger,

like a JCB, er,

going into soft clay and gravel

and then coming up against a Roman wall.

Got it. Yeah. I can do that with my cock.

Right. So, I'll need some oven gloves,

15 large pebbles

and a packet of Gummy Bears or Haribo - something like that.

And then obviously my cock, which I've got.

OK. Um, we need, er, a waterfall,

medium-sized, not massive.

And, er, it's in woodland

and there's a storm incoming, so it's raining quite hard

and there's a distant helicopter.

Right.

Yeah, I can do that with my cock.

Hang on. British woodland or tropical?

Tropical. Yeah, I can do that with my cock.

Cos of the humidity, my cock works best.

I'll need a soda stream,

a flappy menu,

four trout fillets, rainbow or brown - doesn't matter -

and my cock, which obviously I've got with me.

Oh, and lube.

Unless otherwise stated, assume lube.

Lube.

Yeah, I can do that with my cock.

Really? The sound of a dictionary being dropped on a desk?

Yeah.

Why don't you just drop a dictionary on a desk?

Won't sound right.

You try that if you like, but, I'm telling you,

if you want it to really sound like someone's dropped a dictionary

on a desk, then I'm going to need three reams of A4,

some highlighter pens,

a bottle of prosecco, a wall of cardboard boxes,

a plastic toothpick, a wooden toothpick,

a goldfish bowl filled with asparagus soup,

and my cock.

OK. OK, we're nearly there, now.

So I'll just, er... We need a loose shutter banging in the wind,

and it has to be on the first floor of an 18th century chateau

in Provence.

OK, um...

Done.

You're not going to use your cock for that?

No!

You've got to get down to it. That's not gonna work.

Ugh, it's on me!

Oh, I'm exhausted.

It's Day 12 of Middle-Aged Man Island.

The boys have completed their tasks for the day

and now it's time to chillax and have some them time.

CREW: Could you do something?

What? It's been 40 minutes since anyone spoken, so, um...

Oh. They want us to do something, or speak for the programme.

Oh, yeah, the programme. HE FARTS

Ah! Better out than...

Actually, I hate people who say that.

OK.

Let's chat.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Er, I can't think of anything to say, actually.

Trouble is, there's no women here to get us started off.

OK, well, yeah all right. You be the woman,

you start us off, and then that'll get us going.

OK. Um...

How are you? Fine, thanks.

God, it's not easy being a woman, is it? Hmm.

We could talk about the Second World War again.

Nah, we did that all last week.

That was a good week. Yeah!

I know it's a bit of a stereotype - men love talking about

the Second World War, blah, blah, blah, but the Second World War was

A, very important, and B... Brilliant.

I know you're not supposed to say that any more but...

Nah, I think it's a great war.

Tsk! What, even better than the Great War?

OTHERS CHUCKLE

See, that's the kind of joke that,

if we were at home, somebody would roll their eyes

and say, "That's a dad joke."

But, yeah, it's just a joke.

Actually, it was a serious question. What's your favourite war?

Punic. PHONE ALERT RINGS

CREW: Sorry, it's Wednesday night - it's for the bins.

Mine was last night.

There's no way she would have done it. Hmm.

But we're not saying that middle-aged men are bad, right?

Because middle-aged men, that's the audience. At best.

That's the youth end. No, I think we can appeal to young people,

because we've got that sketch about erm...

Isn't there a sketch about an Xbox or something?

Is that the one about assisted dying?

No, no, it's the one where we say,

"Wasn't everything better before the Xbox?"

I mean, it was harder to have a wank

but that made everything more worthwhile. Oh, that's been cut.

Channel 4 said we had too many sketches that relied on wanking,

and we can only have 11, max.

OK, I suppose Middle-Aged Man Island is just like

a fun dig at guys our dads' age.

Or mine and Kiell and Lara's dads' age.

Stevie, I am 18 months older than you.

Is that all? Are you sure that's right?

I'm not sure that it's having a go at our dads, so much as...

It's not actually that weird, you know, being 50.

Well, of course... It's quite a normal age to be, OK?

Yes, I mean it's an ageing population.

Ageing is very now, very contemporary.

In the past, people were a lot younger.

You were. No.

I mean, well... Well, yes,

but what I'm saying is, in previous ages...

Here comes another history lesson.

In previous ages, in the Middle Ages,

people were younger - the average age was lower,

because people died younger.

A youthful population is, in fact, very, very dated.

Yes, it's actually very now, to have dementia.

Decrepitude is the new infant mortality.

Not that we're decrepit. If only! We're not that cool.

Yeah, I just think... Although I do have recurring back issues

and Rob had open heart surgery.

OK, I think we're speaking at cross purposes here, David.

Let's not be turkeys voting for Christmas.

I know we're middle-aged, but broadcasting is very youth-skewed.

Always has been. Bill Cotton used to say...

Shut up! Channel 4, in particular,

are desperately trying to appeal to young people.

Oh, it's like a letchy uncle dancing at a wedding, sometimes.

Yeah. "Let's do the quiz where everyone shows their balls."

Or vaginas. Or, as you quite rightly say, Lara, vaginas.

I just think we should pay lip service to that

and not just be constantly banging on about how old we are.

Like this bit that we're doing now, where we go on about being old,

when these young people, some of them women...

Or just saying "or vaginas". That's literally all I've said except this.

Yeah, but you did it so well. Like, I want to say "or vaginas" now.

Well, in a way, Stevie, you have.

Hmm.

AD VOICEOVER: Introducing Branboozle! The great new board game

for everyone who loves puzzles and bran.

Hooray! You've been branboozled.

Hand over the bran, Grandpa.

Oh!

You've taken all my bran, you little scamp.

Mmm, bran. THEY LAUGH

Throw the dice and spin the dial.

Collect the bran and branboozle your opponents

before you yourself are branboozled.

Oh! I've been branboozled! LAUGHTER

More bran for me.

Branboozle - the great new game that's getting all the family eating

lashings of pure bran.

RAPIDLY: Excessive bran consumption may cause rectal warping.

Morning, Jim. Hi. That's all done. Do you want to have a listen?

Oh, yes, please.

FAINT RHYTHMIC TAPPING THROUGHOUT

Er, so, this is, er...?

This is the rolled up carpet being dragged down

the flight of stairs with a dachshund yapping

in the background. Oh, yeah. And you, um,

you used your cock for this one?

Don't think so. Not this one.

RHYTHMIC TAPPING CONTINUES THROUGHOUT

I wasn't sure how much of it you needed, so...

Right. Yeah.

Come to think of it, I think this is one of the ones I used my cock for.

Yeah, I thought so.

It's wonderful how it doesn't matter any more how old you are.

I never imagined I would have this opportunity.

But, of course, times change.

With this particular piece,

I thought it was important not to fixate on the age

of the actor but on the overall energy he gives off.

It's such a daring and fascinating time in the theatre.

In the olden days, I would never have had the chance

to be in this wonderful stage adaptation of The Matrix,

playing Neil.

INTERVIEWER: It's actually Neo, Sir Charlie.

Hmm? Your character is called Neo.

That's right, yes. And, of course,

the thing about Neil is that, like most of us, he doesn't know he's in

the Matrix - until somebody calls his agent and says,

"Would you like to be in the Matrix?"

And you think Sir Charlie gives off the right energy to play Neo?

Yes. As soon as the producer suggested Sir Charlie to me,

I could immediately see that he gives off exactly the right energy.

Even though he's 78?

Yes. Aren't there younger actors that might be more suited

to playing Neo?

Yes, but an audience willing to pay West End prices

to see an adaptation of The Matrix won't have heard of them,

whereas they all remember Sir Charlie from all

the Merchant Ivory shit he did in the '80s.

Are you excited to be in The Matrix?

Well, I'm delighted, but, as I say,

Neil is absolutely devastated.

Neil takes the red pill and discovers he's in The Matrix

for eight shows a week, including bank holidays, for 12 weeks,

and I couldn't be happier.

I'll just put this here, if that's all right with you? Yes,

that's fine. I'm just... I don't want to get in the way.

It's week two of rehearsals, and Sir Charlie

and director Tony Pastry are grappling with

the iconic scene where Neo uploads martial arts into his brain.

OK, so Tank just inserted the programme.

He's pressed the button and all that knowledge

flashes into your head in just a few seconds,

and then you open your eyes and you say the line.

All right, Tony, leave it with me.

Right, so he's pressed the button.

Pressed the button.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

I know Kung Fu.

All right, Tony? Ye...

Erm, it's just...

Um, try it again.

Of course, of course.

Press the button.

Ooooh-ooooh!

I know Kung Fu.

Yeah, it's... I think I know what it is.

Yes. You're saying the line like Kung Fu is

an old friend that you've just remembered.

Yes. But it isn't.

No. It's a martial art.

That I've forgotten. Yea... No.

Because it's been years. No. How long has it been, Kung Fu?

He's not Kung Fu. It's been years.

We're improvising. No, he's not Kung Fu.

Oh, I see.

I'm saying "I know Kung Fu" but Kung Fu's not here.

I could be Kung Fu. I don't mind.

Oh, bless you, for that, Theo. Could we try that, Tony?

I think that would really help. For me.

OK.

HE CLEARS THROAT So press the button.

Ooooh-ooooh-oooh! Ooooh-ooooh!

Ooooh-ooooh-oooh-ooooh!

Ooooh-ooooh! Oooh-ooooh!

BRIGHTLY: I know Kung Fu.

Hi.

You see the problem is, Tony, I'm saying "I know Kung Fu",

but Kung Fu's standing right there. So, it doesn't make any sense.

Yes, you don't say it to him

and he's not Kung Fu

and Kung Fu isn't a person.

Well, all right, Tony, but that's a lot of changes to take on board.

May I suggest a cup of tea?

Ah! Cup of tea for you, Tony?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media