Original subtitles

subtitle by BN

Are there any redeeming features of living in the early 90s?

Well, the stamps are surprisingly slightly cheaper,

and with what we've managed to save,

we've bought this cafetiere for one from Habitat.

Because apparently, there were hardly any shops, you know,

just selling cups of coffee, which is ridiculous.

And they're rubbery and brightly colored,

and they're quite small originally, but then you blow in one end,

and they get bigger, they sort of expand,

and then you tie a knot in one end of them.

- What, balloons? - Oh, fuck.

OK, Phil.

In this play, you've got to be on your toes at all times.

It requires lightning fast reaction.

You know the sort of reactions I'm talking about?

You're talking about lightning fast reaction, Simon.

That's right, Phil.

So we're going to do a little exercise to try and hone those reactions until they're sharp as a prick.

OK? So I'm going to clap,

and what I'll be doing is I'll be giving the clap to you,

and you've got to return it to me as fast as possible.

Are you with me?

You're going to give me the clap, Simon.

No, Phil, you've misunderstood, albeit very humorously,

I clap, sorry, did that surprise you?

You see, you've got to be ready for it.

There'll be no warning. I'm going to clap at any time.

Do you see what I'm doing? I'm clapping.

You're clapping at me.

Yes, Phil, don't be afraid.

This is what acting is.

So I clap, and you clap back straight away. Yeah?

- OK. - You're with me, aren't you, Phil?

Yes, I mean, I think I've got it.

OK, here we go.

No, Phil, you've got to clap.

No, wait for me.

I clap first, and then you clap back straight away.

OK?

Right, so...

- No, Phil. - But you told me to clap.

Yes, but you've got to do it instantly.

It's got to be like this.

- OK? - Oh, right. I see.

So...

No, Phil, you only clap once.

I realize the mistake you've made, and it's partly me to blame,

I clap twice to demonstrate how quickly your clap should follow mine.

It should be me clap, you clap, very fast.

OK, yeah, I think I've got it.

Sorry, I was thrown by you doing that double clap thing.

Yeah, that was my fault, Phil.

That was very unfair. I won't do that again.

- You're ready this time? - Yeah, I've got it.

You're going to clap, and then I clap back straight away,

- With no pause in between. - With no pause in between.

- Right, ready? - Let's do it.

OK. And...

Oh, it's me!

Yeah, I'm just coming down the stairs.

And round the corner.

And going in the door.

And I'm just coming through the netting.

And here I am. Bye.

Morning men.

Sorry I'm late. As you know, it's the attack this afternoon.

Now, it's all a bit free form at the moment,

but I thought if we all head for the same general area

and keep our phones on, we can liaise from there.

So let's say everyone heads for this area here,

and then we can play it by ear, and I'll call you or text you.

All right? Dismiss.

Can you give the re-enforcement a ring?

Find out if they're on their way.

- OK. - Use mine.

It's speed dial four.

OK.

Oh shit. It's gone straight to answer phone. Do you want me to leave them...

Oh, hi, it's, yeah, it's private Davis here,

ringing about lunchtime on Thursday.

Listen, the captain and I are a bit pinned down under heavy fire.

Assuming you're on your way, maybe you've gone out of reception...

Just tell him to call us!

Yes. So could you call us when you get this?

Then that'd be brilliant, hope you well, bye.

Did they busy you?

No, it went straight to answer phone.

I was going to say if they'd busied you,

- that's a fucking court martial. - Sir.

1 4 7 1 One, four, seven, one.

The number you have dialed has not been recognized.

Please check and try again.

You see, there's no way of telling who you just called.

...not being recognized.

You're having the fishcakes followed by the steak.

- Is that right, sir? - Yes.

- This is incredibly intimate. - I beg your pardon?

You're having to get incredibly close to me.

I feel like I've turned you into a whore.

- Oh, right. - I'm so sorry you have to do this.

I feel like a real shit.

I mean, why can't I get my own stupid cutlery or cook my own fucking steak?

I know what you're thinking. There's no justice.

It's alright. It is my job.

Oh yeah. You might as well say that to a dustman or a shop assistant.

Would you like me to wrap that for you, sir?

Yes, please. Why don't you wipe my ass while you're at it?

The whole thing stinks.

Would you like to taste the wine, sir?

Oh God. But what if I send it back?

How will you face your masters?

You'll probably get fired. It's like An Inspector Calls.

Well, shall I just serve it, then, shall I?

Oh yeah, serve it like my servant.

Please don't hate me as a person for all this.

So you're probably working your way through university or something.

No.

Right, but please tell me you're an actor or an installation artist or something,

just earning some extra cash?

- No, I'm a waiter. - Oh, Christ, you're trapped by the system.

I'm scared by what you might do.

Please don't spit on my food.

And it's round and it ticks.

So what's the difference between that and a clock?

But this one's got a cheese dispenser.

I think people are just going to say that

that's a clock with a cheese dispenser.

Yeah, you're right.

Are we supposed to be doing something?

Well, they said they'd ring.

They haven't got my number.

They've got mine.

Well, maybe we should give them a call.

They might be busy. I'll send them a text message.

Oh, fuck, it switched itself off.

Shit, nine messages.

This modem is so slow.

It was going to take over a minute and a half to download.

I just don't know how people managed.

- Car for Mr Jeffreies? - Shit.

Oh yeah, mate, please, call me Adrian.

People normally sit in the back.

Yeah, the shits.

- Like you're a chauffeur or something. - Or a taxi driver.

Oh God, I just thought if I sit in the front,

then you could pretend we are friends,

and at the end of the journey, I can give you a tenner as a present,

and then it won't look like...

Oh God, I just don't want you to feel like you're paid to drive me around,

- But I am. - And I want you to know that I hate that too,

but please try not to think of yourself as any less of a person,

and I'll try and do the same.

- OK. - How's your family?

I'm trying to show I'm interested.

How's your family? I mean, obviously, excluding any money worries,

which I'm not saying you've got, but I really suspect you have.

- Well, I haven't. - Oh God, I'd love to believe that.

Yeah, we tend to meet once, maybe a couple of times a week, don't we?

Yes, when Barbara lets me off the leash.

We just come out for a drink and talk about the old days,

The old days.

- You murdering bastard! - Fuck off, you miserable hippie.

Yeah, it was the support group that brought us together, really.

Yes, after the act was passed.

After it was banned, I found myself a little bit of a loose end.

No foxes to chase, no saboteurs to berate, sold my horses.

Needed a bit of a hobby, as simple as that.

Hmm. I mean, there's no getting away from the fact that it was hard to begin with.

You know, you spend 15 years of your life trying to stop fox hunting,

and then it stops, and then what do you do?

So yes, a few of us began to get together into the sort of informal group,

and after a couple of weeks, we thought it might as well ask the Sabs along as well.

Turned out they were thinking very much the same thing.

Funny sort of way. We sort of missed each other.

Couldn't make sense of the situation.

Nothing to do.

I mean, for people like Philip and me, hunting was our life.

Hunting and anti-hunting

Two sides of the same coin.

I mean, one tries to move on. A lot of us took up darts for a while,

and then John and his friend would come along and try and sabotage it.

Yeah, we tried to claim it was cruel to the board, but it wasn't the same.

Got to the point where us and the Sabs were just sit in the corner

and slag off the darts players.

Didn't make us very popular.

All very proud.

So now we just tend to come down the pub, don't we?

Occasionally for a treat, I might pop out and cover a dog in petrol and set light to it,

and John will come along and shout and say "It shouldn't be allowed",

which, of course it isn't.

It's just not the same.

Can I help you with anything, sir?

Why didn't I work to make the world better?

So what's it been like managing without Play UK?

That's not been too bad, actually.

- That's pretty easy. - Yeah.

If I can make it there,

I'll make it anywhere,

It's up to you,

New York, New York

Good. Can we hold it there?

Well, there were some very interesting noises there.

John, tell us about your noise.

I guess it was the kind of warbling a football might make

when it's placed on the penalty spot.

You know, it's a mixture of fear and excitement.

Yeah, I thought that was what it was.

Cathy, tell us about your noise?

Well, it's kind of difficult to describe.

Because it's a noise, sure.

But it came out as the sigh of regret the sea makes

- when it has to leave the shore. - Right.

The sea sighs good bye to her love of the shore,

knowing she'll return in the morning.

An endless cycle of union and separation.

Beautiful.

And Phil, you were...What were you doing?

I was singing New York, New York.

New York, New York. Yeah.

Is that the kind of thing you meant?

And you wear them on your feet.

And they made of a sort of viscous jelly,

but they've got little metal bits that sort of twinkle,

and sometimes, short arms come out to sweep something up,

or maybe take a sample of soil.

I think people are just going to prefer shoes.

You're right. People are just going to prefer shoes.

No, Sally, if I can just interrupt you,

we're never gonna get Whitsun off the ground,

and it's just going to be a second rate Christmas.

Well, I mean, a third rate Christmas,

because Easter is already a second rate Christmas.

We've got to get away from those established festivals and try and think laterally,

how we're going to really capture the public's imagination re Whitsun?

Whitsun crackers?

No, Terry, not Whitsun crackers or Whitsun carols or Whitsun trees or any of that stuff.

- Father. - No, not father Whitsun either.

What the hell do you mean anyway?

What would father Whitsun look like?

He'd be a sort of jolly man with a big brown coat and a big sack of twigs.

And he gives, no, he doesn't give presents, but he might have a beard.

How does he get around?

- In a toboggan. - Whitsun's in May, Sally.

What's he want with a toboggan?

Horse, he's on a horse.

He's not on a horse.

You've made him up. There's no such thing as Father Whitsun.

Whitsun eggs.

Oh, Christ.

A puppy is not just for Whitsun.

Well, this is it, Sally. A puppy really is not just for Whitsun

what Christmas house and we lack is the ability to be an excuse for puppy death.

No one's worried about the over commercialization of Whitsun or losing the true meaning of Whitsun.

And till they are, those Christmas bastards going to keep rubbing our noses in it.

What is the real meaning of Whitsun?

It's where the apostles all sat around and spoke in tongues.

You know, they went a bit loopy.

Oh, right. Is Jesus dead at this point?

- Yeah. - See, that's a shame,

because he was really good in Christmas and Easter.

It'd be like Highlander 3, where they didn't have Sean Connery.

And you just think, "Oh, couldn't they get him?"

Couldn't they get Jesus?

Taggart's still really successful and Taggart's dead.

Speaking in tongues...

Whitsun lunch, but they all sit around

and have big stick on rubber tongues that flap around like that.

No, a little apostle doll where you pull the string

and it goes berserk, it starts freaking out.

Look, everyone, I've made this.

That's brilliant. Allen.

So all I want to see is the three of you doing a little individual mime for me.

It can be anything at all,

just so long as it's something very honest, something very you.

- Is that cool? - Yes, it is cool.

Great.

But nothing showy. Nothing too flashy.

Just something small and discreet and yours.

In your own time.

Watch as I take the key that unlocks the door to my world of mime.

See as I pick up the cube that is the bar that becomes the rope,

which I pull against the wind that snaps onto the conveyor belt

that leads to the shrinking room.

Was that the kind of thing you meant?

Oh shit. Do you mind if I take that?

What? Oh, fine.

Fine, I'll check my messages.

Hello?

no, no, not really.

You're not busy?

- Yeah, I am a bit, really. - OK, see you.

Okay, okay, I'll talk to you later.

See you later.

Bye.

Can I ask what you're doing?

Well, as a human rights activist,

I'm trying to draw attention to human suffering,

and I've been very much inspired by the methods of the animal rights protesters,

who've so impressively drawn attention to the suffering of animals

by fire bombing and kicking the shit out of humans.

So I've decided to highlight my cause by maiming some dogs.

I've just blinded a Cocker Spaniel, and Benji here is going to get a burning.

Later on, I'll break into that animal testing laboratory in Huntington,

smuggle out all the beagles, and then kill them for no reason.

There's a lot of human suffering in the world,

and I'm committed to using hypocrisy as a way of pointing that out.

Thank you.

Benji. Stay. Stay, Benji.

Here's a good boy, stay, stay.

And it's these issues of slavery and oppression which lie at the heart of our play,

as well as at the heart of black consciousness.

So as you improvise your group poem,

I want you to keep that very much in mind.

Off you go.

Ours was the charred country,

a country of wire and barbed flowers.

Power fell like sand through the hour glass of our mortal hell.

Well, baby, I'm thinking about your chocolate.

Baby, I'm thinking about your tears.

Baby, I'm thinking about your chocolate.

Thinking about your tears.

Was that the kind of thing you meant?

By 2010, for example, your fridge will talk to your microwave, to your toaster,

to your tap, and it will continue to the extent that by,

say, 2020, we won't have words for cooker or fridge or tap.

We'll simply refer to "the system".

So in the future, when people say the system stinks,

that simply mean that their household appliances are in need of a clean,

for which there will be a machine.

By 2040, all fuel will be made out of water.

In fact, we won't need fuel.

We won't need water.

We'll be able to make our own water.

Out of wee!

Yeah, I wasn't really on form that day, but, you know,

at the turn of the millennium, there was this really unexpected run of work for me,

and I used up most of my best ideas.

So that's the thing about wee,

pretty much made that up on the spur of the moment.

I don't really think that will happen.

Could you describe your average working day?

Well, I get up, and then I'll probably have a bit of a think about the future,

about what might happen.

Later on, I might do some research. I think popular culture is very useful in my line.

I mean, I would never have predicted the space shuttle

if I hadn't seen Moonraker.

What makes futurology so important?

In the future, it'll be much more important to know what's going to happen.

Yeah, it's no good, Guy, I can't get it going.

I don't know. Unleaded. I thought it all had lead in, didn't it?

Look, can you hang on a minute, Guy.

I had this bet with Guy 10 years ago that we'd meet at Heathrow Airport in the year 2001

to watch the launch of the first starship.

But my car won't start. It's been on a blink recently.

Guy says it's something to do with them having changed the petrol for some reason there.

Just didn't see that coming.

And it's like hungry hippos, but they're all Calista Flockhart

and they never eat any of the balls.

That would just be really annoying to play.

Yes, it would, but it would make her take a long, hard look at herself.

If that's your aim, shouldn't you just write her a sympathetic letter?

No, I think this is the easiest way.

Hungry Flockharts.

Oh right, we'll get that off to MB then.

Just in time for Christmas.

Do you ever have one of those days when you just can't get comfy?

- What's that? - It's the ice cream.

- What flavor? - Neapolitan.

I can't have much more of this.