Original subtitles

subtitle by BN

Well, if you move your men onto the North Ridge,

you'll be able to keep us informed of their movements

while we circle round to the south.

Yes, sir, we'll maintain radio contact until we know they're on the move.

Yeah. I love the dark of the green you've chosen there.

It really draws your focus in, doesn't it?

- Oh, yes. - That's great.

Yes. Well, rather like Rosemary,

I was concerned to get the clouds right first.

Yeah, absolutely, almost as difficult as people.

Well, the thing to remember about people is

the eyes come half way down the head,

rather than at the top, as you might think.

Well, let's take a look at our third artist.

John's taken a slightly different approach, haven't you, John?

Yeah. It's called They Were Betrayed.

I've lit the landscape with the corpses of all the people from the area

who were sent to die on the slaughter fields of the Western Front.

A lovely idea.

You've really got the rat crawling out of the eye socket down to a T, haven't you?

Well, keep up the good work.

So you've got the one sort the men,

and they have the bit that sticks out.

They are like us.

- Yeah. - But you think there should be another sort?

Yeah. I think there should be another sort.

- What for? - I think there should be another sort

who, where the men have got the bit that sticks out,

they should have a bit that goes in.

- Sort of a hole. - What, to help stacking?

Yeah, it would help stacking. They'd really tessellate well.

See, I'm not sure it would actually,

I'm not sure it would go in that easily.

I think you'd have to sort of work it in,

because it's got no purchase, because it's floppy.

No, it wouldn't, because the thing that sticks out, that could change shape,

it could go sort of rigid.

What, when you need to stack them?

- Yeah, only for stacking. - I think that's a bit fussy.

Just for stacking.

I think it would be worth it

if it was useful for something other than stacking.

OK, let's have a think.

So could you tell us something, Michael,

about your previous proofreading experience?

Yeah, I started out on pure text based publications,

computer manuals, that sort of thing,

but recently I've been proofreading for the National Geographic.

Oh, well, that's great. Text and image.

Well, here at Muff Dive, I don't think you'll be experiencing anything new.

A word to the wise on wanking,

by all means go ahead,

but believe me, by the end of the week,

you won't want to see another split beaver as long as you live.

I can imagine.

Well, there's no sign of a struggle,

- although there are two small contusions on the back of the leg. - Right.

Well, we'll just have to assume it's drowning

until we get the results back from the lab.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, also, here, you've got "to massively come in her face",

which is a split infinitive.

It should be "massively to come in her face",

- or "to come massively in her face". - Right.

Yeah. I think I prefer the second one.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

Also, in this Reader's Wife section,

you've got this Sally character falling into a very common trap.

She says, "Sven started to lick out Janice and I."

Because, "and I" sounds more polite, but actually it should be,

"Sven started to lick out Janice and me",

or "Sven started to lick me and Janice out".

Preposition at the end.

- Really? - Yeah. I mean, it's very simple.

Imagine if Janice wasn't being licked out,

the sentence would be, "Sven started to lick me out."

It wouldn't be "Sven started to lick I out."

That's gibberish.

So when you put Janice back in, it stays the same

Sven started to lick Janice and me out.

Right.

Also, come is surely spelt with an ome,

- unless that's a house... - That's a house style.

Yeah.

Oh, that's lovely, Dermot.

And I know a good cheat for trees, I'll show you later.

Now, as ever, John's given us something a little more daring,

haven't you, John?

Oh yeah.

Oh, John, that's really pretty.

Very dramatic use of color there,

the way you've contrasted the pastels of Diana's face

with the richer primary colors of the blood and the Nazi cross.

Oh, that's lovely, John.

- I'd love to have that in my bathroom. - Would you?

Would you really? OK, OK.

This was a good idea, Graham.

Yes, wasn't it?

On a day like this.

- What a nice pub. - Yes, it's a lovely pub.

Now, what shall we have?

Oh, good idea. Now, then.

Hello. Right. What do you fancy, Graham?

Well, do you know, John, it's such a lovely day,

I thought I might have a glass of beer.

Oh, what a good idea. A nice, refreshing glass of crisp beer

on a day like this, just the job.

Could we have two nice glasses of beer, please?

- Pints, is that? - Oh, why not?

- Yes, two pint sized glasses of beer. - On the slate?

Yes.

Look at that.

Do you know, I wouldn't mind another one of those.

Yes, those were good, weren't they?

Can we have two more glasses of beer, please?

This is the gentleman that wanted to see you.

Hello, how can I help you?

Hello, I believe your hotel has just opened,

and so I've brought you your Gideon Bibles.

Oh, yes, we meant to get in touch with you.

We've actually had a better offer.

- You've... - Yes, we've decided to take Giles Annuals instead.

Oh, I see.

Isn't Giles dead?

Yes, but so, if you'll forgive me, is Jesus,

but Giles still produces an annual.

It's just a bit more relevant, isn't it?

Thank you, Penny.

Yes, we just thought it was a bit more relevant.

Also, did you mean to use an Oxford comma?

You know, that comma before an end?

- Well, sometimes. - It's just that it is obscuring her nipple there.

- Oh right, yeah, just get rid of it. - Yeah.

You are quite right, John.

A nice Scotch whisky goes very well with our refreshing glasses of beer.

Yes, don't they?

And on a nice day like this, what could be more appropriate?

Two more glasses of beer, please.

And a few glasses of refreshing beer among friends.

And two more glasses of whiskey.

On the day like this.

- What a good idea. - It was a good idea, wasn't it?

- What a lovely pub. - We'll remember this place.

Time, gentlemen, please.

Just two more cool, refreshing glasses of beer, please, I'm rather warm.

It's a scorch here, isn't it?

I'm afraid I've just called time.

Oh, we only wanted a couple of crisp glasses of refreshing beer.

What could possibly be the harm in that?

Well, if we're to be treated like alcoholics,

then I shall went my way home to my wife.

Yes, I might go with you home to my wife.

And when we get there, we can have a couple of refreshing glasses of neat vodca.

- The cheap stuff. - That sounds like a plan.

Perfect end to a lovely day.

Well, I thought we'd start with For Those in Peril on the Sea,

and end with Amazing Grace.

Yes, it's alright, but let's have something upbeat in the middle.

How about Christ Is Made the Sure Foundation?

I mean, it's gibberish, but it's catchy.

- Yeah, okay. - Okay.

No, that's not how you do cows.

Now, John.

- Ha! - Oh. John sounds triumphant.

And what have we here?

Something a little out of the ordinary?

It's a small sculpture of an aborted fetus

made from the frozen sperm of pubescent boys.

I call it Contraception.

How lovely!

I've been collecting this sperm by going around secondary schools

and handing out porn mags.

- What a smashing project! - And drugs!

Great, I do love angry art.

It can be just as pretty, if not sometimes prettier, than normal art.

- It's made of semen! - Well,

- Real semen! - I'd expect nothing less.

All frozen around my own bollock.

Oh, good for you.

Hello, mate.

Of course, we all get a bit annoyed every now and again,

but at the end of the day, come on.

It's just not worth it, is it?

So do yourself a favor. Don't murder someone.

Of course, I'm no saint.

We wouldn't be human unless we're filled up with hate every now and again.

Come on, be fair.

No matter how annoying someone gets, don't cut them to bits.

And I should know.

That's right.

I'm in prison. These are bars.

You've got it. Do you see, I was in prison all along.

They won't let me out because I've done a murder.

That's the thing.

So don't be like me.

Murder.

Don't do it, eh?

Oh, John, it looks as if this rather nice looking pub's just opened.

Oh, splendid!

Tell you what, here's a thought.

Since it's such a nice day, we could always...

Pop in for a nice, refreshing glass of beer.

Yeah, any available units to assist [something], please?

Thanks very much, superintendent.

[Something] done a great job.

CID will take over from here.

Always a pleasure, Jack.

I'll see you at golf.

Well, let's just make it simpler.

How about the baby comes out of the hole?

That's not simple at all.

The baby is the bit that sticks out of the man.

What, the bit that goes rigid for stacking?

Yeah.

And then one day, the bit that sticks out of the man

just detaches itself and starts walking around.

And that's the baby.

But it's only got one eye and no arm.

Well, it develops into a baby.

What, and the man grows another bit that sticks out?

- Exactly. - Yeah, but having gone to the trouble of giving the other sort this hole

is now completely redundant.

Well, there's always the stacking.

See, I'm wondering how often we're going to need to stack them.

Mom and Dad. Hi.

Hope things are cool back home.

Still traveling. Dot, dot, dot. Don't know when I'll be home.

Take care of each other, you guys. Love, Tim.

Shall we leave right now?

I mean, I just don't bother talking to him anymore.

The last time I was in account, he said,

"When I say 'Jump', you say, 'How high'"

I actually said, "How high, then, Allen, how high shall I jump?"

You know, he didn't have an answer,

He was completely stunned. The bloke's an asshole.

This isn't the first time someone's came to me with a complaint like this.

Look, I tell you what, I'll go have a word with Brenda in personnel,

- and we'll see what we can do, okay? - Okay.

Yeah, my folks don't know where I am.

I know.

It's like, sometimes I think I've been traveling so long, I just feel dizzy.

- How's your BLT? - OK. Not really hungry.

Me too. I had a cream tea earlier.

I don't eat cream teas because a friend of mine has really bad experience from the local food.

Ate cream teas the whole time, which they say you shouldn't do.

- You know, in the book. - What, Roughing it in England on Two Grand?

Yeah.

She really went kind of native with the cream teas,

put on three stone.

Yeah, yeah.

12:00 Thursday, yeah.

That should be fine.

Honor your prior commitments.

Or you might get smashed up.

Hey, are you a traveler?

Hey, are you travelers too?

Yeah, man, this is Tim. I'm Tash.

We hooked up a couple of weeks ago in York.

York, cool. I was there a couple of months back.

Wow, did you go to the Jorvik Center?

Absolutely, blew me away.

Were you really stoned when you went there?

No. But I'd hit a pub lunch pretty hard,

- so I was kind of, you know, sleepy. - Exactly.

I mean, I had no idea they could get away with doing that sort of thing.

I mean, they might think it's funny, but I'm not laughing.

Early last October, Gary Chapel was admitted to the Queen Mary Hospital

in Lyme Regis for a routine hip operation.

The operation was to last an hour and a half,

and he was to be discharged the following day.

That's my life now. I mean, you can hear it even now,

but it was two, three times louder after the operation.

It just makes me into a bit of a figure of fun, really, at work and at home.

Well, what's causing it?

Was there a mistake with your hip operation?

No, it's not mistake. It's a squeaker.

- I'm sorry? - The consultant told me a few weeks later that they put a squeaker,

a rubber squeaker, in there, in my hip.

Listen.

See? It's insufferable.

I mean, in the end, the rubber will perish,

but until then, it's just very embarrassing.

Well, why did they do this?

Well, the consultant said to me that he dared the surgeon to do it.

He says to me, "I dared him and I never thought he'd do it."

Apparently, none of them did.

Apparently they were all saying, "Oh my God, I can't believe he's doing it."

You know, through their masks with me on the table.

None the wiser. Apparently they were in hysterics.

"Oh, Jeremy, what are you doing? "

"I can't believe he's doing it."

"Oh, Jeremy, you are mental. You are mental, Jeremy."

Well, if you ask me, they are.

They are mental.

You know, that's the kindest thing I can think about it really.

Mr. Jeremy Peters, Gary Chapel's surgeon, has failed to respond to

any of Mr. Chapel's letters concerning this alleged practical joke.

We tracked Mr. Peters down and confronted him with Gary's charges.

Well, I'm sorry, I just don't know what he's talking about.

The man's clearly delusional in some way.

But we ourselves heard Gary Chapel squeak.

Well, I can't explain that.

Gary Chapel isn't alone.

Dorothy Portman suffered for five years

with a slow release lemon sherbet capsule in her bladder.

At first, I thought it was a more common urine reinfection,

but then I started noticing this smell, sort of citrus,

- and of course, the interminable fizzing. - Was it painful?

No, more of a tickle.

Do you think it's funny?

Well, at first I was quite distressed.

Having thought about it, I do think it's quite funny.

Yes.

Yes, it's quite a worrying trend, actually.

In some cases, virtually no one gets out of the operating theater

without some sort of surprise waiting for them.

We've had men's nipples moved closer together or aligned vertically.

We've had fairy liquid injected into people's bloodstream

so that when they cut themselves, they foam.

Several cases of obscenities being written in stitches, you know,

you wake up and you've got shag written across your abdomen,

and it's quite distasteful.

We've even had cases of people being given joke diseases to wake up to,

usually something fairly minor, like chicken pox or influenza.

But one woman in Somerset went into hospital

for a routine toe nail operation and came out with lung cancer.

And that's clearly not acceptable.

And what about the case of this woman from Somerset

who went in for the toe nail operation?

Well, that's just sick.

I mean, what sort of person would do that sort of...

Excuse me.

We are definitely in the grip of some particularly gruesome,

sort of a new lad phenomenon.

They know what they're doing. They know that it's wrong,

and that's where they get their kick.

But for Gary Chapel, the laughing never starts.

With little information available about the decomposition of rubber squeakers at body temperature,

he has no way of telling how long his torment will last.

I think I might try it with some anhydrous sodium acetate.

Good idea.

I'll go and punch in the results we've got so far.

You see, the thing that a lot of the locals don't realize is that

if these birds don't get fed, they're just going to die.

Yeah, but you can't tell them that, because that would just be patronizing.

Yeah. It's just something I feel that I can do.

Because, you know, we're really lucky.

Yeah, we are. We really are very lucky.

Hey, have you guys heard about this urban myth that's going round,

about this Little Chef that's still selling at 1990 prices?

- No. - It's like totally cut off.

Apparently, Head Office have forgotten it exists.

And it never got the new pricing structures.

It is like totally cut off.

But if you can get there, you can eat at like 80% of current prices.

Wow. Where is it?

Well, I was given this map,

and looks like it somewhere near the A1.

We should do this more often, really.

Well, it's like, totally how I imagined it.

Yeah, but, like, how do we get there?

We could jump.

Nah.

My shoulders hurt.