Original subtitles

subtitle by BN

Big Issue!

Big Issue!

Anyone wanna buy the Big Issue?

- Here you go. - Oh, cheers, mate. Oh, sorry, I've just got to get some change.

- Can you hang on to this for a minute for me? - OK.

Cheers. Ha! You've got to do it now!

I'm free! I'm free!

You know...

Hospital.

Oh, yeah.

Aren't very nice, is it?

No.

I was thinking, you know...

Casualty in hospitals.

Oh, yeah, waiting in casualty.

Ooh, nasty.

I was thinking, we should make people watch that.

Oh, they'd hate it.

Yeah, we make them watch the casualty.

- And we'd call it Casualty. - No one would watch it.

Well, that's why you'd have to make them.

- What, with a law? - Yeah.

We pass a law making people watch Casualty.

Would we need a law?

Thinking about it, might people not watch it anyway?

No, we need a law.

We need a law making them watch Casualty.

I don't know.

I haven't said anything for 15 minutes.

I've been sitting here listening to your conversation,

which I find to be repetitious in style and trivial in content.

And I can't help thinking we'd all have a much interesting time

if I did more of the talking.

OK, Dylan, what would you like to talk about?

Well, this is the point! I can't think of anything.

But I do know that if one can't think of anything interesting to say,

it's better not to say anything.

Well, I think that's fair enough in a way.

Yes, it is fair enough in a way.

So if you don't mind,

we'll all just keep quiet until I can think of something.

Hello?

I can see you.

I'm looking at you now.

Who is this?

I can see you.

I can see what you're wearing.

I can see you in your nighty.

No, I'm not wearing my nighty.

Oh, sorry.

I must be looking at someone else.

I just can't think of anything!

It's great that you found the time to talk to me, Ted.

I'm only over here for a few days,

but reading all of your literature about the famous Blackpool Illuminations,

and hearing about the millions of visitors who come to see them every year,

I just had to talk to you.

It's too bad that they're not switched on at the moment.

Yeah, you really miss the treat there, Brandon.

Now, who is it you said you work for?

Oh, I work for a company called Industrial Light and Magic.

We do special effects for a lot of Hollywood movies.

Oh yeah.

Well, specifically at the moment,

we're working on this sci-fi epic,

and in one particular scene, where the good guys have won,

we need this effect where the entire space city

literally lights up the night sky with the celebrations.

And I was thinking about how to achieve this effect when I came across your brochure,

which said "Blackpool Illuminations:

"Turns night into day."

I mean, how do you do that?

With computers or some kind of animatronic CGI morphing?

Umm, not much.

We use electricity...

- switches.... - Sure.

We do quite a lot of work with bulbs.

Bulbs.

Light bulbs.

Colored light bulbs.

With prism laser technique of some kind?

Rolls.

Rolls of colored light bulbs.

Looping from lamppost to lamppost.

I think I see.

And behold.

The evil days are ended.

May you and your kind rule the galaxy for generations.

Replacing the eons of darkness

with a thousand years of light!

Brian, you've been standing outside the hospice all day.

What's the situation?

Well, Michael, I'm not allowed to tell you the actual figures.

But let's put it this way.

I counted them all in.

Back to the studio.

What are you all talking about?

Everyone else seems to have someone to talk to except for me.

I can't decide which conversation to join in with.

So I have to sit here feeling lonely and embarrassed.

- Well, we were talking about... - Yes, Richard.

You and Mark were talking about the [something] series,

which, you know, I have zero interest.

I still don't understand the rules of cricket,

being made to play it at school was my routine humiliation.

I think in talking about it now, you're just trying to hurt me.

- Dylan, I'd hardly tried to... - I mean, I've the odd idea for topics of conversation.

I could ask you about your father,

but I don't you very well, and he might be dead.

I just don't want to risk it.

Well, my dad isn't dead.

Dylan, you can talk to me.

I don't want to talk to you.

I've talked to you before and I didn't like it.

Well, I've had it since I was about eight.

- And the doctor said that it might go away. - Had what?

Eczema, it's semi-hereditary or something, I think.

- But it's also stress-related. - Eczema?

Is that it?

- What? It can be quite painful. - Let's see it.

Actually, it's not too bad at the moment.

- But sometimes... - Right, let's go.

- What, are you going? - Yeah.

This is no good. We need more.

I get it quite badly.

I once had it on my knob.

Got it on your knob now?

- No. - OK, we're off. Unplug them.

Jane, can you go and see who's the next door?

No, no, no way. I am, a Libra.

Were you overused?

- What, for being a Libra? - No, generally.

No.

OK, thanks for the tea.

My mother...My mother is a prostitute.

No, she isn't.

Well, she thought about it.

Will she do stuff?

- What? - Sex stuff.

Will she do sex stuff for the camera? Will she put on a show?

I doubt it.

She won't strip or wank?

No.

We'll go then. Turn the lights off.

I did used to have quite a bad slimming disorder.

- A few years ago. - Really?

Was it serious?

Well, yeah, I was dangerously underweight for almost a year.

Right, but you're over it now.

Well, yeah.

Yeah.

- Would you cut yourself? - What?

Would you cut your arm?

With a razor?

Now. Write a word on or something, like hate.

What, for the camera?

Yeah.

Yeah, alright.

Alright, Simon, now this is the angle.

You hate yourself.

And this manifests itself in the physical abuse of your own body.

We're making a documentary series called Westbourne Park Stories.

About weird people living in west London.

It's quite good, actually. It's pretty close to TV center.

OK, off you go, then.

We are slightly pushed for time, Simon.

Can I get a coffee?

No.

Hi, it's Sacky here.

Can't come to the phone right now, but please leave a message. Thanks, bye.

I always get a bit flustered on these things.

Eh, look, I just call to say that I can see you,

I'm looking at you now, I can see what you're wearing, etc.

I'll try and catch up with you later in the week about...

Actually, Wednesday and Thursday are no good, really, so...

Oh God, this is going on forever, isn't it?

Flipping tape all around for a minute.

Sorry.

I'll try your mobile.

So hopefully, we'll get the paddock scene in the [something] on Thursday.

Now, most of you have met Jeff.

He'll be joining us for the meeting.

Jeff is our stunt coordinator.

Jeff, have you got somebody lined up for the stunt with the horse?

You know, the fall.

Yes, I was reading that.

Michael falls off the horse.

You want me to find a stuntman for that.

Well, we can't have an actor doing it.

So you want me to find someone who will fall off a horse?

Yes.

Seriously?

Is there a problem?

Isn't that incredibly dangerous?

Falling off a horse?

Whoever did that will be bound to get hurt.

It's just, I would have thought anyone I'd asked would say no.

- Well, obviously, safety is paramount. - I agree.

So if safety is paramount,

let's not have people falling off horses.

You know, it's only a film.

Look, they are stuntmen.

Well, stuntmen, yeah.

Stuntmen.

Not lunatics.

Excuse me.

Sorry to bother you, would you mind taking a photograph?

Yeah, sure.

- What do I do? - Just press the button.

Press this button?

Point it and press that button there.

- OK, what, over by the tree? - Oh, lovely.

Actually would you mind if we had a quick look?

If you wouldn't mind standing where I was, that would be a big help.

You could just hold hands with him, I don't want to chop them off.

That's it, hold hand. Just for a moment.

You've got to do it now! You've got to do it now!

I'm free! I'm free!

Give it a week?

Yeah, alright.

Hello?

I can see you.

I can see what you're wearing.

Yes, well, I am on live television.

Well, I can still see you.

So if you want to call us on any of the items on today's program,

the lines are now open, and the numbers are on the bottom of the screen.

Then he told me that they weren't his trousers.

- Oops. - I know.

That's what I thought, but then you know, they can't lie, can they?

I can't believe that no one's talking to me.

I know, awful.

Nobody's talking to me.

Well, no one's ever talking to you.

I set myself higher standards.

Maybe we should talk to each other.

No way.

I wanna talk to them, they're cool.

Start talking to you, I'm never get away.

I've been down that windy, endless road before.

Look, Dylan, why don't we swap places?

I'll talk to Claire and you can talk to Richard.

Could we do it the other way around?

Because I think I'd rather talk to you.

I think.

Well, what I think it's great about archaeology is that

the painstaking and noble exercise, in which highly skilled and dedicated individuals

try to piece together the facts of our social history

based on hard evidence alone.

Never trying to pose any conclusion or rush the process,

taking as long as necessary to get closer to the truth.

So what I was thinking is that we could take archaeology

and impose an arbitrary deadline.

Good idea, so we see archaeologists put aside their brushes and carbon dating equipment

- and get in a massive digger. - Yeah.

But wouldn't that ruin the archaeological site?

Oh, we wouldn't send them to an archaeological site.

We'll just send them to some field where there's [something]

and tell them to look for the Holy Grail.

That might draw a crowd, you know.

I was thinking it wouldn't, I was thinking we use it to disperse crowds.

Oh, right, what, like riot police?

Yes, so you've got a mob of anarchists.

So you send in a bunch of hamfisted archaeologists and diggers.

And maybe a self-important celebrity?

Yeah, and then they all head for the hills.

Nice idea.

Well, obviously at this stage we're not making any final decisions.

But you certainly have to write qualifications and credentials.

You're going to be leaving Cookson in a couple of weeks, is that right?

- That's right, yeah, I'm just tidying up a few projects now. - Excellent.

Well, since you're here, why don't you have a look at our system

and then you can hit the ground running, as you were.

Sure.

Suit yourself down here.

Ha! You've got to do it now!

I'm free! I'm free! I'm free!

And at that point, the whole place is on fire.

And Mark's character, his coat is on fire.

And at that time, he throws himself into the water.

Hang on.

Is this me again?

Jeff.

Setting fire to someone.

For entertainment.

Are you mad?

You won't get someone to do that for a dare, never mind a job.

- Are you having difficulty finding someone... - Finding someone?

Well, what do you think?

Finding someone who will consent to being burnt?

Have you ever been on fire?

No.

Well, how would you react if I suggested it?

- Umm... - Pretty negatively, huh?

Pretty negatively.

Yeah.

Which begs the deep philosophical puzzler if a tree falls down in a forest,

then Kate Thorton isn't there to comment on it, does it actually make a noise?

I believe it's on one of those clip shows that

I saw...Someone from Frankie Goes to Hollywood, who was saying...

As they say in Blade Runner, it's better to burn twice as brightly

for half of long. Cause he didn't realize the line is actually a distortion

- What Pater would have made of Blade Runner... - Oh, will you shut the fuck up!

Do you feel you're used to having people under you?

You could say that.

Sorry.

We gather you have a firm grasp of figures?

Oh yes.

Oh, I feel sick.

Move your arm.

It says here that you enjoy getting pissed and fucking with women.

That's fair.

Sorry, it's just taking so long.

Are you awake?

Welcome aboard.

Fancy a drink?

Because when you are the only one still partying, remember,

there's always that rum.

And he's just climbed out of the broken window when he's attacked by the dog.

No.

No way.

Morning sir.

Is this the headquarters of the anarchist Lee?

Well, we just wanted to talk you through the arrangements we've made

for your demonstration on Saturday

and check that that fitted in with your plans.

Right, who's in charge here?

Hi, I'm so sorry, officers.

They vandalized the photo copier again,

so I just had to get it going.

Right, where are we?

It's a kind of organized chaos around here.

Twig, would you mind not doing that for a moment?

Umm, just give us five minutes.

Great.

Right, so...

Now, first things first.

- Cup of tea? Bickies? - Oh, lovely.

Twig, would you mind putting the kettle on for me?

Right.

I'm afraid Twig's rather run amok with the tea and coffee making facility there.

Right, bin that, as if we had a bin.

Umm, where were we?

Come on, snap out of it. This is where I get the states smash, will it?

We just wanted to talk about the arrangements for the demonstration.

The demonstration, absolutely.

Right, this is the route we've got planned.

- You've seen this, haven't you? - Yeah, we've got the fax.

Oh, that's a miracle. That thing's always on the blink.

So what we were wondering is,

would it be alright if, at that day, at some point,

you could start roughing us up a bit?

Well, I mean, we have to be provoked.

Oh, absolutely. What, like shouting pig bastards,

smash the fascists, that kind of thing?

Well, if it's a proportional violent response you're looking for,

then we need more than shouting.

- Oh, right. - Now, I'm afraid you'd have to throw stuff.

Oh, I'm with you. So we're in a sort of

lobbing stones and bottles, that kind of thing ballpark?

Yeah, that's it.

Maybe even a petrol bomb or two?

- That would certainly do the trick. - Right, well, I'll get a couple of the boys onto that.

Olly Fister Olly, Fister.

Could you sort us out with some stuff to throw?

You know, like petrol bombs and stuff.

You know, gas and bricks, enough for lob up the pigs.

- No offense. - None taken.

I'm kicking this wall.

Right.

It's another thing on my list.

Right, so...

You'll start throwing projectiles, possibly petrol bombs.

- Fingers crossed. - And we'll respond with tear gas and a heavy handed cavalry charge.

Oh, that is superb.

Right, well...

We'll see you on Saturday.

I say we, umm, it will be the boys mainly, I won't be there.

I'm gonna spend the day here, trying to impose a bit of order in this place.

Well, you could use one of those plastic knives with the retractable blazes.

You know, they'd go in, they'd go into the handle.

You know what I mean?

And then maybe a bit of red paint.

Trouble is, I don't really trust them because

they do sometimes jam.

I've seen someone get a nasty scratch.

So what I suggest is that you get stabbed sort of in the armpit.

And that the knife goes in like that.

And he holds it with his arm.

Like that, you see?

And then, in profile,

looks quite realistic.

Looks pretty good.

We've been very lucky with the weather.

Hello.

I can see you.

I can see what you're wearing.

How did you get this number?

I can see you in your clothes.

I'm not wearing any clothes.

Yes, you are.

You're good.

Thanks.

Do you wanna meet up some time?

Yeah, that'd be nice, actually.

Do you like films?

Yeah, I do, actually.

We should go and see a film, then.

Yeah, okay.