Original subtitles

subtitle by BN

Right, down in one.

I haven't really got the hang of this.

Hey, you want to make a bit of money?

You should do what I did. Get into farming.

See this?

I got this selling corn. Comes out of the fucking ground.

I couldn't believe it!

I've brought you some milk.

I don't like milk!

Oh, you'll like this milk. I prepared it specially.

Alright! Hang on, you've poisoned this, you bastard!

- No, I haven't. - Yes, you have.

It's fizzing.

Didn't think it would show in milk.

Well, it does. Now piss off. I've got flu.

But slippers just aren't made of glass.

Why has she got glass slippers?

Well, she is the poor younger sister. She wants to look nice.

I suppose she's overcompensating.

What? So she's a bit tarty?

Yeah, tarty, if you like, yeah.

So she's the young slapper sister who wins the prince.

Yeah.

I'm not sure if that sounds like the right message.

Well, it's the prince. It's the kind of thing he's into.

But won't people feel a bit sorry for the older sisters?

I know, we'll make them ugly.

Got it!

OK. Tequilas. It's salt, down it and then bite.

Wow.

Well, you've done a great job, Scott.

It's just the kind of thing we need for the new range.

Well, I was trying to go for simplicity at the same time as flare.

- Well, it certainly comes across. - Thank you.

Yeah, there was just one thing.

You've done these lovely spoons here, this one and a slightly larger one.

We just wonder whether you could do us a third one that was a bit bigger.

Right, yeah.

You know, to complete the range, a larger spoon.

Maybe for serving out vegetables or whatever.

- Oh, right, I see. Another spoon. - Yeah, a larger one.

- Right, so... - Do you see what I mean?

Yep, I get it, absolutely.

You see that?

It's made of chicken. It's actually made of chicken!

Kill it, your free chicken.

You can sell it to people.

Or don't kill it, fucking eggs coming out out their arses!

Fucking hell!

Is that the kind of thing you meant?

That is what I've just done, yeah.

What we were thinking was a third spoon that was, you know, bigger.

Bigger than this one.

- Oh, bigger than this one. - Yeah.

- Not bigger than this one. - No, well, yes.

I mean, bigger than both.

I understand what you mean.

Wouldn't you like a drink?

No, look, we've been through this.

Ah, but this time, you have a drink, and I have a drink.

Yeah, but how do I know?

- Hang on, I'll have your drink. - That's fine.

- You've got a revolving table! - Yes.

You've forgotten which one's poisoned now, haven't you?

We'll have drinks later.

Hi, I'm sorry to bother you.

But I wondered if you can make a little bit less noise.

- You know, have a bit less of an obviously good time. - Sorry.

It's just that, it's upsetting my wife.

See, we're sitting over there, having quite a dull evening.

And you laughing all the time is making it worse for her.

Until last year, we were making thousands of Hyundais here.

And says what a wonderful space it would make for their new art collection.

So that's it, we've got to close.

That's 2,000 jobs gone in one go.

You must be very angry.

Well, yes, it's terrible, really.

I mean, you can see his point, it's a lovely space,

what with it once having been a working car factory.

But no, it's terrible, what it would do to the local economy,

Actually, it's gonna be spectacular, isn't it?

It's gonna be brilliant.

God, what fucking Louise Bourgeois couldn't do with a space like this?

[Something] Damien Hirst's,

you know, big [something] shark things here.

And then, pretty might put some wheels on it

you know, to signify we used to make cars here.

I mean, he might not want to.

It's very much up to him. He's the artist, you know.

Ah, the new spoon! Great!

That's more what you meant, isn't it?

No, that's great, Scott,

but what I was really thinking was a spoon,

like the one you've done for us here.

But bigger.

- Right. - Does that make any sense?

Terrific.

Actually, to be honest, I'm still not a hundred percent sure.

Sorry, I'm explaining this very badly.

What we want is a spoon like this one,

but bigger, than this one.

I mean, obviously, I'm no artist.

And what we're looking for is a third spoon like that.

Hang on, I haven't quite got that right.

I see what the trouble's been now.

It's tricky, isn't it?

Alright, down in one then glass on your head.

OK?

Three, two, one.

I've finished.

I've finished.

Can you stop that?

Sorry.

Where did you get all this stuff from all of a sudden?

Look, I've brought you some cakes.

Why have you brought me some cakes?

You don't like me. You're obviously trying to poison me.

No. But look, I'm eating one of them.

You didn't take a bite.

Alright.

Now, why don't...you try one?

Get out.

It was...trying time.

I'm really sorry to trouble you again.

But I noticed it was you who put this song on the jukebox.

Yeah, that was me.

Right. Well, I mean, obviously it's a bit late now.

But I wondered could you not put it on again?

Because it makes my wife very unhappy.

And, I mean, obviously, you won't know,

but it reminds her of a very violent time in her past.

OK.

I thought you might like an injection.

OK, Terry, our team's been hard at it for two days.

Now it's the moment of truth.

Open your eyes.

I shouldn't, really. It's so moreish, isn't it?

Tell me about it.

Alright, you seem to have all the answers.

How is he gonna blow down the brick house?

He's blown down the house of straw,

and the wood one, the shed.

I just don't think people will believe that he blow down the brick one.

OK, well, maybe he doesn't.

What do you mean he doesn't?

Maybe we've been looking at this the wrong way.

Maybe it's not about the wolf.

Maybe it's about the pigs.

You know sheep? A bit wool-y.

It's wool!

Pull if off, sell it. Fucking grows back again!

You cannot lose.

I'm terrible, now that is my last.

- Take it away from me before I have the lot. - No, go on.

It's Christmas.

Right. I shouldn't really, it's terribly bad for me.

And now, without further ado,

I should hand you over to the man

who'll be giving out the prizes this afternoon.

Pretty much our only alumnus, he was here from 1973 to 1978,

but of course, we all know him from our television screens.

Please welcome star of When the Cows Come Home, Jason Conway.

Of course you realize very quickly that they're ordinary people.

- Just like you and me. - Oh, yes, I'm sure.

No, what was her name?

She used to teach me Maths.

- Is that right? - That's right.

Our longest serving member of staff.

Wow. I remember, when I was in her Maths class,

I could never get my 7 times table right .

I was alright all the others.

I'd always get naught out of 12.

I remember she made up a joke about it on my end of term report.

I'm afraid I must go and say hello.

Could you hold that for a moment?

Take that, you bitch!

What the fuck! What a fine fucking 7, eh?

What a fine fucking 7!

You got [something], you got more.

What a fucking 7, eh?

Hi, it's me again.

Listen, I don't mean to be a pain,

but you are all rather nursing your drinks.

- What? - Well, I was just wondering

if you could get them down you a bit faster.

Because, well, my wife is quite a heavy drinker.

And it makes her feel bad that she's knocking them back two to your one.

Thanks.

All of which means we're no closer to

stop the effect of the virus on the immune system.

What we need is a deadline.

Right, Jeff has now got AIDS.

So now we have to find a cure.

Thanks, Jeff.

Alright, Vice Chancellor, no saucy moves and you won't get hurt.

Where do you keep your robes?

- In the safe, through the door. - Keys.

Open your Gym Jams, Vice Chancellor.

You can have anything you want.

Just don't hurt my family.

- You can have a first! - Nothing flashy, you tart!

I want a two-one in classical civilization.

And I want something more vocational.

Do the Latin!

I've got knocked-down joint honour from Aberystwyth.

Nothing flashy. Gets you on the management course.

This is Danny. He always has a better idea than working for a living.

He knocks off dodgy qualifications

round the back at the University of Northlander.

There used to be a poly.

Danny! Move it, it's [something].

This is his mate, Lenny.

Not too bright, but he's got an honorary doctorate from the University of Vancouver.

Don't ask him where he got it, though.

Leave it, Lenny,

They are only City and Guilds!

Trouble is, it's all very [something] comprehensive for a bunch of GCSEs.

But sooner or later, you're gonna get a little bit greedy.

Oh [something] baccalaureum.

And when that happens,

you might just find you've bitten off more than you can chew.

Fucking hell! This is a PhD in Political Science for Trinity College Dublin!

How the hell are we gonna fence that?

From the director of Vagina,

the greatest heist movie since educating Rita.

Oh hi, Tom.

Come on in.

Help yourself to smack.

Oh, I shouldn't really.

Oh, please, go and help yourself.

It's always like this after Christmas.

Yeah, go ahead. Otherwise, we'll just have the lot.

Yeah. You'll go straight to Melbourne.

- Really? - Yeah, I haven't shat for three weeks.

- So where are the sweets? - They're part of the house.

- So, they're in the house. - But you said the they had sweets.

They do. They're there, eating sweets.

I'm sorry, I don't understand where they got the sweets from.

Where are the sweets in the house?

The sweets aren't in the house.

- That's the whole point. - The house is made of sweets?!

- Yes! - Right.

So they eat the house?

Well, part of it, yes. They don't eat the whole house.

They couldn't eat the whole house.

And they don't.

What, so they pick bits off?

- Yeah. - What, like, doorknobs?

I don't know. Tapioca.

I just don't think that people are gonna accept

a dado rail made of tapioca.

Brilliant. Don't even need an alarm clock.

Unbelievable. It's only five in the morning.

And I'm right where I work!

I'm gonna go and get some milk out of a cow!

Who's a jammy bastard?

Look at all this milk.

I'm gonna make a fucking fortune.

It's a bit of a three-way tussle.

You, sir, you. I wonder if you could, screw your face up a bit,

or just do something to make yourself less attractive.

I think she's hot for you.

And so I want you to put her off.

You see, I'm afraid of losing her.

Here's the film.

You've got everything?

Yes, I've got shots of all the plans for the submarine.

- Well done. - There is just one thing.

And I got a bit drunk at the end to celebrate.

So there might be one photo, maybe just a couple, of my arse.

- Right. - So, just ignore them.

They're not part of it, obviously.

That's just my arse.

Sorry.

Well, this is all very civilized.