Original subtitles

¶¶

Victoria: 14.2 IS OUR BEST AND FINAL.

YOU JUST GOT YOURSELF A HOUSE.

I'M VICTORIA KING, THE TOP BROKER AT PLATINUM REALTY.

I WAS BORN TO SELL, I LIVE TO WIN,

AND I'LL DIE BEFORE I TAKE AN OFFER BELOW ASKING.

Amir: DENZEL WASHINGTON USED TO LIVE HERE.

BRUCE LEE USED TO LIVE HERE.

WHAT'S UP? I'M AMIR YAGHOOB,

THE TOP REALTOR OF PLATINUM REALTY.

I PLAY BY MY OWN RULES, AND MY ONLY RULE IS,

I DON'T PLAY BY THE RULES EXCEPT FOR MY OWN, WHICH I DO PLAY BY.

Chelsea: IT'S IMPORTANT YOU COME IN WITH A STRONG OFFER.

I'D RECOMMEND GOING IN AND ASKING.

I'M CHELSEA LEIGHT-LEIGH.

I HAVE 4 MILLION TWITTER FOLLOWERS,

1.2 MILLION INSTAGRAM FOLLOWERS, AND 6 STALKERS.

I'M A BIG DEAL.

Andrew: OPEN CONCEPT.

Baxter: YEAH. CHEF'S KITCHEN.

Both: PERFECT FOR HOSTING PARTIES.

-Baxter: I'M BAXTER REYNOLDS. -Andrew: AND I'M ANDREW WRIGHT.

Baxter: WE'RE THE TOP BROKERS AT PLATINUM REALTY.

Andrew: WE'RE THE ONLY PARTNERSHIP HERE AT PLATINUM.

Baxter: A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY THEY'RE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.

Andrew: UM, BUT WE'VE ALREADY MADE FRIENDS.

-Baxter: YEAH. -Both: BEST FRIENDS.

Baxter: [ LAUGHS ]

¶¶

Victoria: THIS MORNING, WE WERE CALLED INTO A MEETING

BY OUR BOSS, DEAN ROSEDRAGON.

DEAN CREATED PLATINUM REALTY FROM SCRATCH

WITH NOTHING BUT A DREAM, A DESIRE,

AND A $10-MILLION LOAN FROM HIS FATHER.

-Dean: GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE. -Chelsea: OH.

HOW TO DESCRIBE DEAN -- PICTURE AN EMPEROR

OR RICHARD BRANSON, IF RICHARD BRANSON HAD BALLS.

Andrew: HE'S KIND OF LIKE OUR ANSWER TO BRUCE WAYNE.

Baxter: YEAH. HE'S BATMAN.

Andrew: WHAT? BRUCE WAYNE IS BATMAN?

Dean: I HAVE A SPEECH.

WHEN I STARTED THIS COMPANY YEARS AGO, PEOPLE LAUGHED AT ME.

THE IDEA OF BUYING AND SELLING BITS OF THE EARTH --

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE HUBRIS?

AND YET HERE WE STILL STAND,

AND THE COMPANY IS HUGELY SUCCESSFUL,

AND I'VE DONE IT ALL ON MY OWN.

BUT I HAVE BECOME BORED.

SO HERE'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

IN EIGHT WEEKS' TIME,

I'M GOING TO TAKE ON A PARTNER HERE AT PLATINUM.

-[ Murmuring ] -ONE OF YOU IN THIS ROOM.

Victoria: MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN BUILDING UP TO THIS MOMENT.

AFTER ALL, A KING NEEDS HER CROWN.

Amir: OH, MAN! THIS IS SOME "GAME OF THRONES" SHIT.

Andrew: WILL THIS BE 100% ABOUT SALES?

Dean: EVERYTHING WILL BE CONSIDERED.

SALES, OF COURSE, ARE THE BEST INDICATOR OF WHO IS MOTIVATED,

BUT THERE ARE OTHER FACTORS TO CONSIDER.

Amir: I JUST WANTED TO SAY, I THINK YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL OFFICE.

IT WOULD BE A SHAME IF SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO IT.

Dean: I'M SORRY. AMIR, ARE YOU --

Chelsea: THAT'S A THREAT.

-Dean: THIS IS A THREAT. -Amir: NO, I'M...

Dean: IT'S AN OLD-FASHIONED MAFIA EXTORTION THREAT.

-Chelsea: YEAH. -Amir: NO.

I'M JUST SAYING IT'S A BEAUTIFUL OFFICE --

Dean: YES.

Amir: I WOULD HATE FOR SOMETHING BAD TO HAPPEN TO IT.

Chelsea: STOP THREATENING DEAN.

Dean: YES, THAT'S THE THREAT PART.

Amir: AND I'M SURE IF I WAS YOUR PARTNER,

-NOTHING BAD WOULD HAPPEN TO IT. -Dean: DON'T GO DOWN THIS ROAD.

-THAT'S NOT GOOD. -Victoria: YOU'RE MAKING IT

-MORE CLEAR THAT IT'S A THREAT. -Dean: IT'S TERRIBLE.

Amir: NO, I'M SAYING IF YOU DON'T MAKE ME PARTNER,

THEN SOMETHING BAD MIGHT HAPPEN TO YOUR OFFICE.

Dean: YOU SHOULD STOP SAYING THAT.

-Chelsea: WE KNOW. -Baxter: IS THE PARTNERSHIP

BETWEEN YOU AND ONE OTHER PERSON, OR WOULD YOU...

-Andrew: CONSIDER? -Baxter: ...CONSIDER A DUO?

WELL, THIS PARTNERSHIP IS OURS BECAUSE TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE.

Andrew: YEAH. THINK ABOUT IT -- EYES, EARS, NOSTRILS, KIDNEYS --

Baxter: DICKS.

Chelsea: ARE YOU GOING TO BASE IT ON TWITTER FOLLOWERS?

THAT PARTNERSHIP'S AS GOOD AS MINE.

THESE DINOSAURS NEED TO PREPARE TO MEET THEIR COMET.

Dean: HMM. I HADN'T CONSIDERED THAT...

AND I'M NOT CONSIDERING IT NOW.

Victoria: THIS IS ABSURD. I'M CLEARLY THE MOST QUALIFIED.

Dean: VICTORIA, PERHAPS YOU ARE. DO ALL OF YOU FEEL THIS WAY,

THAT VICTORIA'S THE MOST QUALIFIED?

-Victoria: ABSOLUTELY. -Chelsea: HELL, NO.

-Baxter: NO. -Dean: THEN YOU MUST SHOW ME!

NO, I DENY YOUR HANDSHAKE. IT IS TOO SOON.

Victoria: HE CAN DENY MY HANDSHAKE, BUT HE CAN'T DENY MY SALES NUMBERS,

MY TALENT, MY IMPECCABLE WARDROBE,

MY FLAWLESS SKIN, MY PHENOMENAL CHEEKBONES.

WHAT WAS THE QUESTION?

Dean: NOW, ON TO NEW BUSINESS.

Victoria: [ SIGHS ]

Dean: MEET OUR NEW OFFICE MANAGER, GLENN.

GLENN?

Chelsea: WHAT?

Victoria: OFFICE MANAGER? WHAT DO WE HAVE TO MANAGE?

Dean: EVERYONE, THIS IS GLENN -- GLENN WITH TWO "N's."

HE IS MY HOUSEKEEPER'S SON.

HE'S A NICE YOUNG MAN. HE'S THE OFFICE MANAGER.

GLENN.

Victoria: DEAN, ARE...

Amir: DEAN?

Glenn: HELLO.

HI. I'M GLENN BOUCHARD, AND I'M THE NEW OFFICE MANAGER.

DEAN HAS ENTRUSTED ME TO STREAMLINE THE OPERATIONS

HERE AT PLATINUM REALTY.

I AM SO EXCITED, BEYOND EXCITED,

TO BE WORKING FOR PLATINUM REALTY.

I'D SAY MY MANAGERIAL STYLE IS PRETTY HANDS-OFF,

BUT I HAVE LONG FINGERS.

AS YOUR OFFICE MANAGER, I JUST WANT TO HELP THINGS RUN

MORE SMOOTHLY THAN THEY'RE ALREADY RUNNING.

WITH THAT IN MIND, I'VE PREPARED

A QUESTIONNAIRE FOR EVERYBODY TO FILL OUT.

YOU KNOW, SOME OF THE BROKERS TOOK IT REALLY WELL,

AND SOME OF THEM JUST TOOK IT WELL.

THERE ARE JUST SOME QUESTIONS THAT IF YOU GIVE HONEST ANSWERS,

UH, IT WILL HELP ME REALLY GET TO KNOW WHO YOU GUYS ARE AS A --

OKAY.

SOME TOOK IT POORLY. IT WAS A MIX.

HARD TO SAY THE PERCENTAGES,

BUT, EVENTUALLY, I THINK I'LL WIN THEM OVER.

Both: [ GRUNTING ]

Baxter: ANDREW AND I ARE BEST FRIENDS.

Andrew: WE WORK TOGETHER, WE LIVE TOGETHER.

WE DO NOT HAVE SEX TOGETHER.

Baxter: RIGHT. NO. I'M GAY, HE'S STRAIGHT.

Andrew: WE WILL HAVE SEX IN THE SAME ROOM SOMETIMES.

WE TRY NOT TO LOOK OR LISTEN.

Baxter: IT'S HARD.

-WE MET IN REHAB. -Andrew: YEAH, REHAB.

Baxter: I MEAN, WE DIDN'T MEET IN IT.

WE MET AT IT 'CAUSE WE BOTH DRUNK-DROVE AND CRASHED INTO IT,

AND THEN WE MET, ONCE WE GOT OUT OF OUR CARS, INSIDE OF IT.

Both: [ Grunting ]

Chelsea: ANDREW AND BAXTER COMPLETE EACH OTHER.

TOGETHER THEY MAKE ONE PASSABLE PERSON.

Andrew: SO WE GET A CALL ABOUT A POTENTIAL CLIENT,

THE BIGGEST MOVIE STAR ON EARTH -- JOHNNY DUNNE.

Baxter: HE DRINKS, HE DRUGS, HE BANGS ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING.

Andrew: SOME PEOPLE CALL HIM A DOUCHEBAG.

Baxter: BUT WE CALL HIM AN ICON.

JOHNNY?

OH, HO HO!

Johnny: WHAT'S UP, BROS?

Andrew: PLEAS. HI. HOW ARE YOU?

Johnny: GO SIT OVER THERE FOR A LITTLE BIT.

Baxter: NO SURPRISE.

HIS HOUSE IS JUST AS CLASSY AND TASTEFUL AS HIS FILMS.

Andrew: THE "CRAZY MISSION" SERIES.

-Baxter: "PUNCH BOAT." -Andrew: "KILLIGAN'S REVENGE."

Baxter: "DOUCHE, WHERE'S MY BAR?"

Andrew: "MOTEL RWANDA."

Johnny: I'M JUST DOING THIS

'CAUSE I'M -- I'M A LITTLE HUNG OVER.

Andrew: YEAH, YEAH. A LITTLE MORNING PICK-ME-UP.

Johnny: [ SNORTS ] WHAT DO YOU THINK, YOU GUYS?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS PLACE?

Andrew: I THINK IT'S GREAT. I THINK IT'S GONNA --

-IT'S GONNA GO TO THE TOP. -Johnny: SHUT UP FOR ONE SECOND.

IF YOU LOOK OUT THIS WAY, YOU SEE THE PACIFIC OCEAN.

Baxter: THAT'S THE PACIFIC.

Johnny: THINK ABOUT THAT -- THE OCEAN.

SHARKS, OCTOPUSES --

Andrew: OCTOPI.

Johnny: WHAT?

Andrew: OCTOPUSES.

WHOA. WOW.

Johnny: LISTEN. I WANT TO WRITE A SONG.

-Andrew: DO YOU SING? -Baxter: ARE YOU SINGING NOW?

Johnny: OH, YEAH. I'M CUTTING AN ALBUM DOWNSTAIRS.

DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A RECORDING STUDIO IN THE BASEMENT.

Baxter: THAT'S GONNA MAKE THIS PLACE FLY.

Andrew: YEAH, WE'D LOVE TO SEE IT.

Johnny: IT'S FUCKING DOPE, BRO.

Baxter: WHAT'S DOWN THERE? YOU GOT THE FULL --

Johnny: OH, I GOT EVERYTHING, MAN.

-Baxter: FULL STUDIO? -Johnny: OH, YEAH.

I GOT A LAPTOP AND A MICROPHONE.

IT'S FUCKING CRAZY.

Baxter: IS THERE, LIKE, A BOOTH?

Johnny: I GOT THIS ROOM, RIGHT. IT'S GOT A DOOR.

THERE'S NO WINDOWS 'CAUSE IT'S, LIKE,

-UNDER THE HOUSE. -Andrew: THE BASEMENT.

Johnny: BUT I'VE GOT A LAPTOP AND JUST, LIKE, THIS MICROPHONE.

IT'S FUCKING DOPE, BRO.

Baxter: YEAH, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT QUALIFIES AS A HOME STUDIO,

BUT WE CAN -- WE CAN LIST IT, YOU KNOW.

Baxter: WOULD YOU LEAVE THE EQUIPMENT IN THERE?

Johnny: IT'S A HOME STUDIO.

Andrew: ARE YOU GONNA TAKE THE LAPTOP WITH YOU?

Johnny: IT'S MY LAPTOP, BRO.

Baxter: AND THE MICROPHONE?

Johnny: IT'S MY MICROPHONE, BRO.

Baxter: OKAY, WELL, IT'S PROBABLY JUST A ROOM, THEN,

IF YOU'RE TAKING THE EQUIPMENT OUT OF IT.

Andrew: IT'S A BASEMENT.

Baxter: ENOUGH FOREPLAY.

Andrew: IT'S TIME TO SLIDE IT IN.

Baxter: ANYWAY, THIS PLACE IS GREAT.

WE'RE GONNA AT LEAST GET 12 FOR THIS.

Andrew: YEAH. WHAT KIND OF TIME ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

Johnny: LISTEN, YOU GUYS.

YOU'RE GONNA DO THIS, AND I FEEL LIKE YOU ARE.

I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GONNA DO WHAT'S RIGHT.

Andrew: ABSOLUTELY.

Johnny: I NEED YOU TO HAVE A DRINK WITH ME.

I NEED BOTH OF YOU GUYS TO HAVE A DRINK WITH ME.

Andrew: HEY, MAN. WE ARE SOBER. AS MUCH AS I WANT TO --

Johnny: YOU'RE SOBER?

Baxter: WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO STAY SOBER.

IT'S ONLY BEEN FOUR DAYS SO FAR.

Andrew: AND THAT'S MAINLY BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T HAD THE TIME

TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE.

Johnny: FUCK THIS SHIT. ALL RIGHT?

WE'RE GOING JOHNNIE WALKER BLUE.

-IF YOU'RE SOBER... -Andrew: OHHH.

Johnny: ...YOU NEED THE GOOD STUFF, RIGHT?

Baxter: OKAY, YEAH. WELL...

-Johnny: COME ON. -Andrew: CHEAT DAY?

-Baxter: CHEAT DAY! -Andrew: CHEAT DAY.

Baxter: CHEAT DAY. GIVE ME THE BOTTLE.

Andrew: WE GOT OURSELVES A DEAL?

Baxter: IF WE'RE CHEATING, LET'S CHEAT.

-Johnny: ARE WE DOING THIS? -Andrew: I'M GONNA SELL

YOUR HOUSE, AND WE'RE GONNA GET THE RIGHT PEOPLE TO BUY IT.

-ABSOLUTELY. -Johnny: HERE WE GO.

-CHECK THIS OUT. -Andrew: YEAH.

Baxter: OHH!

THUMB, JOINT, WEED, AND COKE AND HEROIN.

Johnny: [ GRUNTING ]

Baxter: OH, YEAH.

Johnny: BOTTOMS UP.

HEY, HEY. HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

-Baxter: OKAY. -Andrew: OH, GOD.

OH, I LOVE CHEAT DAYS.

¶¶

Glenn: JUST COMING BY TO TALK -- UH, QUESTIONNAIRE, SURVEY.

Chelsea: UH, I REMEMBER YOU FROM BEFORE, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY I CARE.

Glenn: THE BROKERS AT PLATINUM HAVE MADE ME FEEL RIGHT AT HOME.

OH, YEAH. I'M, UH, OFFICE MANAGER GLENN, AND I, UH...

GEEZ. YEAH. GEEZ, YOU GOT BIG EYES.

Chelsea: DO YOU HAVE A LEARNING DISABILITY?

Glenn: UH, NOT THAT I KNOW OF.

MY FATHER DIED BEFORE I WAS BORN, AND I HAVE NO SIBLINGS.

SO MY HOME LIFE WAS VERY LONELY AND SAD.

DEAN HIRED ME TO HELP THE BROKERS IN ANY WAY I CAN,

EXCEPT FOR HELPING THEM TO SELL HOUSES.

MAYBE SOMEDAY I'LL BE A BROKER, BUT FOR RIGHT NOW,

I'M JUST HERE TO MAKE THE TRAINS RUN ON TIME --

JUST LIKE A FASCIST DICTATOR.

Victoria: HI!

Glenn: HEY. DID NOT MEAN TO INTERRUPT.

Victoria: NO PROBLEM. TELL ME YOU HAVE THAT SURVEY.

Glenn: I DO. THIS QUESTIONNAIRE --

-Victoria: OH, YAY! -Glenn: THIS IS GREAT. YAY!

Victoria: OH, MY GOD. LOOK AT ALL THESE QUESTIONS.

I HAVE TO GIVE THIS TO DEAN RIGHT AWAY.

-Glenn: OH, WOW. -Victoria: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I'M GONNA FAX IT TO HIM RIGHT NOW.

[ WHIRRING ]

[ WHIRRING STOPS ]

Glenn: OKAY, I-I THINK THAT WAS A -- THAT'S A SHREDDER.

Victoria: GET THE FUCK OUT.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO FILL OUT THIS IDIOT SURVEY.

SURVEY SAYS... "FUCK YOU, GLENN."

Chelsea: I KNOW THAT IF I'M GOING TO MAKE PARTNER,

I NEED TO STEP UP MY SALES GAME.

SO I HOPPED IN AN UBER TO MEET

WITH ONE OF MY BIGGEST DEVELOPERS, LONDALE.

HE HAS A NEW PROPERTY IN THE BIRD STREETS

THAT HE WANTS TO SELL.

Victoria: I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE PLACE.

-Londale: I'M SO GLAD. -Victoria: IT'S GORGEOUS.

-Londale: I CAN'T WAIT. -Victoria: IT'S GONNA BE

AN EASY SELL, AND I LOOK FORWARD TO SELLING IT.

-Londale: THANKS SO MUCH. -Chelsea: WHAT THE FUCK?

-VICTORIA. -Victoria: CHELSEA.

Chelsea: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY CLIENT LONDALE?

Victoria: WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S MY CLIENT NOW.

-Chelsea: [ LAUGHS ] -Londale: OH, MY.

Chelsea: I DON'T THINK THAT'S RIGHT.

Victoria: MAYBE IT'S NOT TECHNICALLY ETHICAL,

BUT I NEED THIS PARTNERSHIP.

Chelsea: STEALING CLIENTS IS A BIG NO-NO,

BUT VICTORIA HAS ALWAYS HAD A BIG NO-NO.

Victoria: [ Chuckles ] OKAY. I THINK WE JUST HAD A HANDSHAKE,

AND EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT A HANDSHAKE MEANS.

Chelsea: WAS THERE ANYONE TO WITNESS THE HANDSHAKE?

Victoria: YOU! YOU SAW THE HANDSHAKE!

-Chelsea: I WAS ON MY PHONE. -Victoria: DO IT AGAIN.

Chelsea: YOU DON'T -- NO. DON'T TOUCH HER.

-Victoria: HERE IT IS AGAIN. -Chelsea: DON'T TOUCH HER.

-Londale: OH. OKAY. I'M SORRY. -Chelsea: DROP YOUR HAND.

ALL RIGHT. CHOOSE.

Londale: PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS.

-Victoria: HEY, HEY, HEY. -Chelsea: NO. NO. OVER HERE.

Londale: PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE.

-Chelsea: [ WHISTLING ] -Londale: I'M NOT A PUPPY.

Victoria: LOOK OVER HERE.

Chelsea: ALL RIGHT. LISTEN, LONDALE.

I CAN GET THIS HOUSE SOLD IN 4 WEEKS FOR $5 MILLION.

-Londale: ALL RIGHT. -Victoria: THREE WEEKS FOR 5.1.

Chelsea: OKAY. 2 1/2 WEEKS FOR 5.6. BOOM.

Victoria: I WILL SELL IT FOR $8 MILLION IN 24 HOURS,

AND I WILL NOT CUT OFF YOUR BALLS.

Londale: I'M GONNA GO WITH VICTORIA.

Chelsea: ALL RIGHT. I'M GONNA REMEMBER THIS.

I'M LIKE AN ELEPHANT IN THIS SITUATION.

AND #9/11 -- I NEVER FORGET.

VICTORIA THINKS SHE'S HOT SHIT,

BUT HOT OR COLD, WHO WANTS TO BE SHIT?

¶¶

Andrew: SO, AFTER KIND OF A ROUGH MORNING,

WE WENT BACK TO JOHNNY DUNNE'S HOUSE.

Baxter: WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT CURES A HANGOVER --

-A $14-MILLION SALE. -Andrew: CHA-CHING.

-Baxter: THAT'S THE OCEAN. -Man: I TEACH IN WESTWOOD.

-Baxter: BEAUTIFUL. -Man: SO, THAT'S NICE.

-Andrew: THAT'S CLOSE. -Baxter: THAT'S CONVENIENT.

Man: SUN TRACK'S THIS WAY. THIS IS NICE.

Johnny: EXCUSE ME?

-Andrew: JOHNNY! -Baxter: HEY!

Andrew: SORRY. DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE HERE, MAN.

Johnny: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

Andrew: YEAH. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

Johnny: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?

-Baxter: IT'S ANDREW AND BAXTER. -Johnny: WHO ARE YOU?

Baxter: WE'RE REAL-ESTATE AGENTS. WE'RE LISTING YOUR HOUSE.

Andrew: OH, WAIT A MINUTE. NOW THAT JOHNNY ISN'T

HIGH OR DRUNK, HE DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER OUR NAMES?

Baxter: EVEN WORSE, HE DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER

HE WANTS TO SELL THE HOUSE.

Johnny: I'M GONNA CALL THE COPS.

-Andrew: NO. -Johnny: YOU NEED TO GET

THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW.

-Andrew: WAIT. -Johnny: EXCUSE ME.

-Baxter: NO, IT'S OKAY. -Johnny: EXCUSE ME!

Baxter: THESE ARE OUR CLIENTS.

Johnny: OH, WELL, WELCOME TO MY HOUSE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

Baxter: DO YOU WANT TO SELL YOUR HOUSE?

Johnny: WHAT -- ARE THESE PEOPLE GONNA BUY MY --

-YOU WANT TO BUY MY HOUSE? -Man: THAT WAS WHY WE CAME...

Johnny: IT'S NOT FOR SALE, BRO.

-Andrew: WE HAD AN AGREEMENT. -Baxter: I SHOOK YOUR HAND.

Johnny: YOU KNOW WHAT AGREEMENT I'M GONNA MAKE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW?

THAT I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS, BRO.

Andrew: I DON'T AGREE.

SO IT'S NOT AN AGREEMENT. AGREEMENT'S A TWO-WAY STREET.

Baxter: HE STILL DOESN'T KNOW WHO WE ARE,

AND WE'RE GONNA BLOW THE SALE.

Andrew: I MEAN, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF OPTIONS.

THIS IS LIKE THE HARPOON BATTLE IN "CRAZY MISSION 2."

LISTEN. WE SAT OUTSIDE, AND WE MADE A GENTLEMEN'S AGREEMENT.

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT WHAT A GREAT HOUSE IT IS,

YOU NEEDED TO MOVE ON

TO SOMETHING ELSE, SOMETHING BIGGER,

AND SOMETHING THAT FITS YOUR PERSONALITY NOW.

Johnny: ANDREW, WHAT'S UP, BRO?

Andrew: OH, MY GOSH. [ Laughing ] YOU SCARED ME.

-Johnny: BAXTER! -Baxter: HEY!

Johnny: OH, SHIT. WHAT'S UP, DUDES?

Baxter: SO IT JUST TOOK A LITTLE BIT OF THIS.

Johnny: ARE WE GONNA DO THIS SHIT OR WHAT?

-WE GONNA SELL THIS PLACE? -Baxter: LET'S DO THIS SHIT.

Johnny: MAN, YOU WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AROUND?

Baxter: 10 HOURS LATER, WE MADE THE SALE.

Andrew: AND WE ONLY HAD TO GET HIM DRUNK SEVEN MORE TIMES.

Amir: I KNOW THAT IF I'M GONNA MAKE PARTNER, I NEED AN EDGE.

SO I STARTED THINKING,

"WHO IS THIS GLENN GUY, AND WHY DOES DEAN WANT TO HIRE HIM?"

-Glenn: HEY, AMIR. -Amir: WHAT'S UP, MY MAN?

-Glenn: HOW ARE YOU? -Amir: HOW ARE YOU?

-Glenn: HEY, GOOD. -Amir: GREAT TO SEE YOU.

Glenn: OH, YEAH. GREAT TO SEE YOU.

Andrew: AMIR IS SORT OF LIKE A --

WHAT'S ANOTHER WORD FOR "ASSHOLE"?

Baxter: RECTUM?

Andrew: AMIR'S A RECTUM.

Glenn: I DON'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU.

I KNOW YOU'RE A BUSY GUY. JUST COMING AROUND --

Amir: HOPE YOU DON'T MIND. I'M JUST GONNA STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.

I FILLED OUT MY QUESTIONNAIRE, GOT A LITTLE BINDER FOR IT.

I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO READ, BUT, YOU KNOW, IT SOUNDED

LIKE IT WAS REALLY IMPORTANT TO YOU, SO I THOUGHT,

"HEY. THIS GUY IS NEW. I'M GONNA SHOW HIM THAT I CARE."

Glenn: HUH. IT'S LIKE HE KNEW THAT I WAS NEW

AND JUST SHOWED ME THAT HE CARED.

Amir: SO, WHAT'S YOUR DEAL, BRO?

Glenn: UH, "WHAT'S MY DEAL, BRO?"

Amir: YEAH. NO ONE'S EVER HEARD OF YOU.

DEAN GIVES YOU A JOB OUT OF NOWHERE.

I WOULD BE AN IDIOT NOT TO ASK, "WHAT IS YOUR DEAL, BRO?"

Glenn: THERE IS NOT ENOUGH PAPER IN THE WORLD

TO BEGIN TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION.

Amir: [ LAUGHS ] GIVE IT A SHOT.

-Glenn: I WILL GIVE IT A GO. -Amir: OKAY.

Glenn: UM... EXTERIOR.

MY MOTHER'S WOMB. WE'RE IN A HOSPITAL SETTING.

I HAVE JUST PASSED THROUGH THE UTERUS

AND THE VAGINAL CANAL OF MY MOTHER.

THE ENZYMES ARE CHURNING WITHIN ME, AND I'M HUNGRY.

BUT THERE'S ALSO A SENSE OF BENEVOLENCE IN THE AIR.

IS IT GOD? CHRIST? IT'S DEAN.

Amir: DEAN WAS AT YOUR BIRTH?

-Glenn: YEAH. -Amir: THAT'S SO COOL.

AND YOUR MOM'S BEEN WORKING FOR HIM FOR HOW LONG?

Glenn: OOH. LET'S SEE. SHE STARTED IN JANUARY,

AND I WAS BORN IN OCTOBER.

-SO NINE MONTHS TO THE DAY... -Amir: NINE MONTHS.

-Glenn: ...THAT I WAS BORN. -Amir: INTERESTING.

OKAY, UM, GLENN'S DEFINITELY DEAN'S SON, RIGHT?

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THIS?

Glenn: AND THEN DEAN WAS NICE ENOUGH

TO SEND ME OFF TO BOARDING SCHOOL IN BELGIUM.

Amir: OH, SO HE PAID FOR YOUR SCHOOL, TOO?

Glenn: YEAH. HE REALLY TOOK CARE OF ME.

-Amir: CAN YOU SPEAK FRENCH? -Glenn: I CAN. YEAH.

[ CONVERSING IN FRENCH ]

Amir: WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

Glenn: YEAH, WE REALLY DO. I'M VERY TAKEN ABACK.

Amir: YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN IN THIS OFFICE FOR A WHILE.

THERE'S SHARKS ALL OVER.

HERE'S WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WERE YOU.

DON'T TELL ANYONE THAT STORY

ABOUT DEAN PAYING FOR YOUR SCHOOL

OR BEING THERE AT YOUR BIRTH.

-PEOPLE GET JEALOUS. -Glenn: OH.

Amir: LET'S JUST KEEP THAT AS NOTRE SECRET.

Glenn: MON FRèRE, JE PEUX GARDER NOTRE SECRET.

AMIR IS A GREAT GUY. I JUST TRUST HIM SO MUCH.

I REALLY TRUST HIM.

¶¶

Chelsea: [ LAUGHS ]

AFTER WHAT WENT DOWN WITH MY CLIENT LONDALE, I COOLED DOWN

AND DECIDED IT WAS BETTER TO BREAK BREAD

THAN BREAK VICTORIA'S HEAD.

-Woman: OKAY, LADIES. -Victoria: AH.

Woman: SINGLE PORCINI MUSHROOM HALF-CAP WITH A SAUCE DRIBLET FOR TWO AND

-THE REMNANTS OF A BELL PEPPER. -Victoria: GOOD CHOICE.

Woman: AND THE SEARED DAIKON CRUDITé WITH A SWORDFISH WAFT.

-Victoria: [ BREATHES DEEPLY ] -Woman: AND A GENTLE TOUCH.

ANYTHING ELSE I CAN GET YOU AT THE MOMENT?

-Victoria: THAT WILL BE ALL. -Woman: PLEASE ENJOY.

Chelsea: LISTEN, I REALLY WANTED TO CLEAR THE AIR ABOUT, YOU KNOW,

-WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER. -Victoria: YEAH.

Chelsea: WE'RE THE ONLY WOMEN IN THE OFFICE.

I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT WE STICK TOGETHER.

Victoria: I TOTALLY AGREE. HONESTLY, WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE.

Chelsea: GREAT. FRIENDS?

Victoria: FRIENDS.

Woman: YOUR FRIEND TOOK THE LIBERTY OF ORDERING THIS FOR YOU.

Victoria: WHAT?

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

Chelsea: AH.

AH, "CELEBRATING A MILESTONE TODAY WITH VICTORIA KING."

Victoria: [ CHUCKLES ] WHAT?

UH, IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY, AND I'M CERTAINLY NOT 40.

Chelsea: OH. YEAH, I MEAN, YOU AND I KNOW THAT,

BUT HOW WILL MY 1.2 MILLION INSTAGRAM FOLLOWERS KNOW

ONCE I BLAST OUT THIS PICTURE OF YOU IN FRONT OF THAT CAKE?

Victoria: YOU WOULDN'T.

Chelsea: I ABSOLUTELY WOULD.

Victoria: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Chelsea: I WANT TO SPLIT THE COMMISSION ON LONDALE'S HOUSE 50/50.

AND YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY CLIENTS

-FOR THE NEXT THREE MONTHS. -Victoria: TWO MONTHS.

Chelsea: GIRL.

Victoria: ALL RIGHT. DEAL.

Chelsea: AH.

-Victoria: IT WAS CLOSE. -Chelsea: YEAH.

Victoria: DO YOU WANT TO SPLIT THE BABY CARROTS FOR DESSERT?

Chelsea: MMM.

Glenn: DEAN HAS CALLED ME INTO HIS OFFICE TO SPEAK WITH HIM,

AND I'M VERY EXCITED TO SHARE MY PROGRESS.

MORNING, DEAN. I'VE GOT SOME OF THE PROGRESS

FROM THE QUESTIONNAIRES THAT I'VE GOTTEN.

Dean: PERFECT.

SIT.

GLENN...

WHAT DO YOU SEE BEFORE YOU?

Glenn: IT LOOKS LIKE A VERY EXPENSIVE CHESSBOARD.

Dean: WHAT ELSE DO YOU SEE?

Glenn: THERE'S A LIKENESS OF EACH OF THE BROKERS.

Dean: YES.

Glenn: AND THEY'VE BEEN PLACED UPON THE BODIES OF PAWNS.

Dean: THAT'S EXACTLY CORRECT.

YOU UNDERSTAND MY INTENTION.

Glenn: ARE YOU GOING TO STAGE SOME KIND OF TOURNAMENT

WHERE THE WINNER OF A CHESS GAME

ADVANCES TO SOME KIND OF REGIONAL FINAL

AND THEN ON TO A NATIONAL FINAL AND THEN AN INTERNATIONAL FINAL?

Dean: NO. I'VE BEEN SHAKING MY HEAD "NO."

GLENN, I NEED YOU TO JOIN THE GAME.

I NEED YOU TO BE MY EYES AND EARS AMONG THEM.

Glenn: OH, MY GOSH. I MEAN, OH, MY GOSH.

YOU MADE A PIECE FOR ME?

Dean: GO ON. TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

PICK IT UP. GAZE UPON IT.

Glenn: LIKE, WOW.

THIS IS INCREDIBLE, DEAN. I'M -- I'M SO FLATTERED.

-Dean: WELL... -Glenn: I-I CAN'T, UH...

I-I DON'T THINK MY PART IS THAT FAR OFF TO THE SIDE

IN SUCH AN EXTREME WAY.

Dean: I'M LOOKING AT YOU, AND, YES, IT IS.

Glenn: WELL, KIND OF A RECEDING HAIRLINE RIGHT THERE.

I DON'T THINK I'M QUITE THERE YET.

Dean: HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY.

Glenn: HIS EYES ARE KIND OF DEAD. YOU CAN'T REALLY SEE HIS PUPILS.

Dean: I ALMOST FEEL AS IF WE'RE GETTING HUNG UP ON THE LIKENESS

RATHER THAN WHAT IT REPRESENTS.

Glenn: OKAY.

Dean: YOU ARE THERE AMONG THEM.

"I'M SAYING THINGS THAT YOU CAN HEAR,

BUT I DON'T WANT DEAN TO HEAR."

"I ALSO AM DOING THE SAME THING."

Glenn: DEAN, IF YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR MOLE AT PLATINUM,

THEN I'LL ATTACH MYSELF TO YOUR CHEEK LIKE YOU ARE ROBERT de NIRO.

UM, AMIR SAYS, UH, "GLENN, EXCEPTIONAL WORK TODAY."

"THANK YOU, AMIR. I APPRECIATE IT."

"I'M GOING TO GO PICK UP SOME CUSTOM COLOGNE."

"OH, YES, OKAY. I WON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT."

LATER, I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT.

ANDREW AND BAXTER COME THROUGH.

"HEY, YOU WANT TO GO GET OUR CHESTS WAXED?"

"HA HA HA HA HA." I JOIN, "HA HA HA HA HA."

"GLENN, SO HAPPY YOU HEARD THAT. WE LOVE YOU."

VICTORIA'S OVER HERE, TORTURING SOME SMALL ANIMAL.

"STOP, STOP, STOP!"

I TAKE THE ANIMAL, I GIVE IT TO A SHELTER.

MAYBE, LIKE, THE COPS COME, AND, UH...

CHELSEA ASKS ME, UH, "GLENN, COULD I HAVE A MOMENT ALONE?"

AND SHE SAYS, "OOPS. I TOOK MY JACKET OFF.

IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERE."

AND I SAY, "GOSH, A WOMAN TAKING THE LEAD.

I'M NERVOUS, BUT I'M -- I'M EXCEPTIONALLY TURNED ON."

AND SHE SAYS, "Shh." I TRY TO...

OH. OH, DEAN.

OH.

Dean: SIT DOWN.

JUST TO BE CLEAR,

I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY CHEST WAXING,

UM, OR SPECIALTY COLOGNES.

Glenn: I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT ALL THAT.

Dean: THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT TO ME.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE A MIGHTY SOLDIER FOR ME.

-DO YOU UNDERSTAND? -Glenn: YES, SIR.

Dean: YOU'RE GOING TO BE A SPY

-GREATER THAN MATA HARI. -Glenn: ABSOLUTELY, SIR.

Dean: AND THE POWER AND GLORY SHALL BE MINE

AND A LITTLE BIT OF YOURS.

-Glenn: THANK YOU, DEAN. -Dean: GO!

Glenn: I JUST WANT A LITTLE BIT. THANK YOU.

Dean: YES.

Glenn: THE HEAD IS A LITTLE NARROW.

THIS LOOKS LIKE HUGH LAURIE ON A HUNGER STRIKE.

ALL RIGHT. YES.

THANK YOU, DEAN. THANK YOU FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY.

Dean: IT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE HIM.

UGH. TOO MUCH.

Victoria: COMING UP THIS SEASON ON "BAJILLION DOLLAR PROPERTIES"...

Man: DEAN KIND OF LET IT SLIP THAT HE'S LOOKING FOR A NEW PARTNER.

Man #2: YES, I'M BUYING A HOUSE!

Man #3: CAN WE JUST BUY THE BASEMENT?

Victoria: YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING,

THAT YOU'RE USING THIS HOUSE TO SHOOT YOUR MOVIE?

Woman: IF YOU'RE ON A SPEEDBOAT, WHAT KIND OF BOAT IS IT?

Man: I DO PLAY RACQUETBALL WITH DAVID CARUSO.

Woman: HE'S A RED-BLOODED MAN. [ CHUCKLES ]

-Woman #2: OH, YEAH! OH! -Man: OH, MY GOD.

Woman: LIKE WOMEN, YOU KNOW, TATTOOING OUR FACES ON THEIR FACES.

Woman #2: I'D NEVER STAY IN THERE. THIS PLACE IS ABOUT TO FALL OVER.

Woman #3: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT

-LOSING A SALE TODAY, HUH? -Amir: GET AWAY FROM ME!

Man: SPEAKING OF SHARP, I GOT TO GO TAKE A GIANT SHIT.

Man #2: OHH! LOOK WHO COMES OUT!

-Glenn: YOU LIKE THAT? -Amir: OH, YOU LIKE THAT?

-Glenn: YEAH. YOU LIKE THAT? -Amir: YEAH.

-Amir: ESTá BIEN! -Man: CHECK HIS LICENSE!

-Amir: ESTá BIEN! -Man: CHECK HIS LICENSE!

Man #2: CRISIS AVERTED, BITCHES!

Man #3: YOU WANT TO DO IT HERE, MISTER?

-Man #4: THIS GUY... -Woman: HE'S A MODEL.

Man #4: ...FUCKING GETS IT.

Dean: PLEASE SAY HELLO TO MY NEW PARTNER AT PLATINUM.

-Man: OH! -Man #2: NO!

-Man #3: AAH! -Chelsea: AAH!

Andrew: NO! BAXTER!

¶¶

Woman: COME ON.

Johnny: EXCUSE ME?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?

¶¶