Original subtitles

Thank you.

Fuckers.

This stuff is fucking rubbish, by the way. Stop stealing my fucking split.

Morning, gents. You thieving bastards.

Well, probably I'll get you some breakfast.

They're allowed to serve lager at eight in the morning.

I had a word.

Well, fucking JJ's got some interesting thoughts on the benefits of carbs, mate.

It's part of a balanced dietary pattern. Yeah?

Yes.

calorifically it's right up there with 392 energy units which is nothing on the

snickers duo i'm having which has the additional drawback of 28 grams of fat

although i can call upon 1.2 grams of fiber which doesn't feature in your

lager however you could argue in some sense that hops constitute one of your

five a day that'll do me you

know i'm not friends

That's his fourth so far. Is that a good idea, mate? We've got college in half an

hour. Yes.

He'll be carrying an attention deficit into the day. Attention deficit.

Intelligence deficit.

Herb?

Well, maybe we won't go then.

You're going to bunk off your first day at college? Freddie!

Mate, the sun's shining. We're bevvied, spliffed and sorted.

That feels like the beginning of something.

So I'm waiting.

For what?

The signal. We're starting college. No, Fred, we're waiting. Something's got to

happen to start us off. You're running a randomised fate model to determine

whether you continue in full-time education. Yes, but I need motivation.

And it needs to be better than sitting here in the sun with you two, drinking

beers and smoking your blood.

Jesse, have the same again.

And sling a couple of them cherry shots on top.

Cheers, darling.

Yes!

I can feel it.

It's got potential this day.

It's pregnant.

Shouldn't someone pick up that bike before it causes an accident?

That's like Jesus shit!

What the fuck did that? What the fuck?

Oh, look at it! Look at it!

Look at my fucking car!

You saw that, didn't you? Did you? Did you not see it?

I don't know. You drove into the bollard.

I did not!

The fucking bike jumped out in front of me!

You must have seen it. You're my witness, right?

Are you blind? Why is everyone around here fucking blind?

That girl's looking at you, Freddie.

Yeah.

Maybe she's looking at me. She's not looking at you, JJ.

Okay. Nice hair.

Yeah. She's got nice hair and nice eyes.

And nice breasts, probably.

Shut up, JJ.

Nipples.

We'll just imagine her bottom.

She's absolutely lovely.

Oh, for fuck's sake. I want your mobile number.

I don't have one. Write your fucking email address, then. Look at the state

of my fucking car. You must have seen something, you demented bint.

Oh, what?

What happened?

Is that your bike, you fucking idiot?

I was signalling you. You just kept coming.

I didn't even see you, for Pete's sake. You came out of fucking nowhere. I was

trying to make you see me. You just kept coming, man.

No, that's bollocks.

Now, listen. You fought my bike.

You just went straight through me. That is not right.

You haven't got a witness.

Nobody saw me knock you off your bike.

I did.

It was just like he said.

You ran him over and now he's bleeding.

Profusely.

Perhaps we should call a policeman. I think it's a crime scene. No, no, no,

no, no, no. There's no need for that. I'm sure we can sort this out. Let me

buy you a new bike.

Look, here.

Come on, take it. Take it. Come on.

Have the lot.

Have the whole fucking... Oh, bollocks!

Forgive and forget.

OK? Forgive and forget. OK?

OK?

Everything all right, Gran?

Oh, yes, just a slight problem. All sorted out now, yes. Everything's all

right. Look, he's wrapped his car around that bollard and he's called me a

demented minter. What the fuck have you been saying to my nan then? Hello, how

nice to meet you, good morning. Fucking hello me.

Sweet.

Your dad

says some things

are best left to the imagination, but that's not right, is it? Your dad's a

stupid tosser, JJ.

Yes.

Do you think she's going where we're going?

She is now.

there were always two sides to this story was faith

that led us here to lady bells with

all wings that cling and wings that fell all our time

it's easy to see all these changes for me

but all of these things

not compare not anywhere no near the way we do through all of

this life there's you

Accident.

That was my bloody widower. Shut up or I'll tell her what you were doing.

I've got a natural curiosity for a boy my age.

Fuck off.

And I know it's you that's been stealing their knickers.

They better not be sticky when I find them.

Get the fuck out of there, bitch!

It's me, Emily.

Tell her to get out of the shower. She's making me late for college.

No.

Why don't you get Katie to... Fucking hell.

Fucking water.

Jesus. Shit.

Oh, fuck's sake.

Puffy little bastard.

Mum! She's gone to work, loser.

Fucking hell.

How many times are you going to do that? I need to wash my hair and you... I knew

this top would look fucking badass.

It's mine.

Yeah? Aren't you glad I made you buy it?

Get dressed, though.

We're going to be late.

I don't know where you got this thong, but it's properly cutting me in half.

You could always give it back. Sorry.

You know it doesn't look as good on you.

Oh, there's Danny.

Hey, Kitty.

I'm just coming.

I'm telling you, college, first day.

You need to get ready.

Because we're not waiting for you.

What about my packed lunch?

Fuck off.

You sheep, you're funny with Dash and let Matt free.

So, Tomo goes up the inside, right?

I drop back, cover Marco and Keno.

Took a one-two from Jono. He's gone, Dano!

So I drag back over the ball, right? Looked up, chipped the centre-back,

buff.

Sambo's in on goal.

Sambo? Yeah, he's got a lovely sense of rhythm.

Whoa! Where's your knickers, girl?

That's for me to know and you to find out, Danny.

Nice one.

Nice one, yeah?

Score

one

for me, honey.

Lay a face.

See you, Danny.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Renault Megane Coupe.

Jesus.

Fucking bad.

Here, Ems.

Ems. Yeah?

You ought to spruce up, yeah? Get some decent friends like Katie.

We're having a party at the Premier Travel Lodge on Thursday.

Party fun, yeah?

The lads, they love a twin thing, you know.

That's sweet of you, Danny.

Can I get back to you on that?

Yeah, yeah.

Nice one.

You Danny, that gashead footy player?

Yeah. My mate Janice wants you to sign her tits.

Let me pork her.

Your boyfriend's well-mean. Yeah, he's totally fit.

He took me to the Sackis Grand last week for surf and shots.

I love Danny DeLermo.

Lush. Gert Lush.

Boxing. Oh, yeah, cute.

Signing Samantha's test.

Bonkers.

What's surf and turf, eh?

Sex. Wow, we're going to have a whizzer time at this college, ain't we, eh?

I'm definitely going to have a surf and turf ASAP. Mum says boys only want one

thing, so my plan is to give it to them lots of times, and that way I'll get

good at it, be really popular, and maybe my toes will stop throbbing.

Christ's sake, Ems, come on, you loser.

What's wrong with you? You're always lagging behind me.

Why don't you wear decent clothes?

Right.

You hate her.

Who do I hate, Em?

I'll let you know.

Cool.

Right, let's get this party started.

Do you want a lollipop?

No.

She smiled at me.

She didn't smile at you, JJ.

I think you'll find she did.

Mum was right.

A lack of pubic hair isn't necessarily a drawback.

It is a drawback.

Girls are more interested in my character than my cock, and that's just

been proved. She was not looking at you.

Fuck me, you're blind.

On the contrary, my eyesight is keen.

Yeah?

How many fingers am I holding up?

Oh!

Oh! Don't do that.

I've got so much cock hair, I can backcomb it and use it like a law.

Nice.

like a porcupine. Right.

You're all prick.

Touche. You mean touche?

Probably.

Toss-off. Nice.

Here we go.

Welcome to Round New College.

A meeting place for young people.

God help me.

Lovely kids.

So full of energy. Makes you feel alive.

They look like a right pack of fuckers to me.

If I suddenly get a bit flushed and short of breath, take over, would you,

Doug? Why would you get flushed? Just fucking do it, okay?

No problem.

Flushed. Right you are.

Could I have your attention, please?

Yes, we are starting.

Attention!

Pay attention, you!

Thank you, darling.

Welcome to Roundview College.

We are a designated four-star educational establishment under the

national We're All In It Together initiative, leading to ultimate

improvement status.

Anyone who screws that up will be officially burnt at the stake.

And expelled.

Yes, and expelled.

God help you all, you're going to get some qualifications.

Any questions?

Thank you.

Now, before I turn you over to your form tutors, I'd like to tell you something

about the way in which we organise our... Right!

Very funny.

This is a further education college, not a primary school.

Stop it!

Stop it!

I'll cut your balls if you dig a little dirt!

You hear me?

I do apologise.

I think I might be at fault.

Too much rhubarb on my ready break. Havoc.

You are looking a little flushed. Do you want me to... No, no.

Just...

Last year we had some intolerable incidents.

So, I want to make this easy for you.

The following will result in instant expulsion.

smoking on the premises, setting fire to the premises, consumption of alcohol on

the premises, consumption of drugs on the premises, consumption of pornography

on the premises, teacher abuse, glue abuse, self-abuse, sexual intercourse

with any other student, teacher or animal or combination of the above,

including oral sex and or use of sex toys on the premises.

That was nasty.

Miss Reedy, our new head of communications.

Hello. Miss Reedy is joining us from... Where is it you're joining us from? Um,

I had some time off.

Seven years.

It was stress-related, but feeling a bit better now, hopefully.

Oh, Christ.

Form BD1.

Say your name, please, when I... Put your hands up, please, when I, um...

Call your name.

Emily Fitch.

Katie Fitch.

Jonah... Jeremiah Jones.

JJ, present.

James Cook.

Yo!

Elizabeth Stoneham.

Mavis Jarundi.

Wixorek. Sorry, you're foreign.

Frederick McClare. Yes.

Yes. Denise Abdebayor. Yes.

The integrity of the unit is preserved.

I'm still deeply unhappy with you, mind, on account of the unwarranted violence.

All right, I said I'm sorry.

And, uh... Naomi Campbell.

Naomi Campbell.

Naomi Campbell.

Now I get it, you've got anger management issues.

Only when I talk to wankers.

Cool.

Are you going to hit me with your shoe now, or...? I

like her.

Oh, Christ.

Same fucking form.

Babe.

Babe.

Babe.

Babe. Babe.

Babe. Sorry.

I'm not a babe. No? Well, I'll be the judge of that. Sorry about him.

Listen, just trying to break the ice.

Guess what I've got tattooed on me cock.

Go on, guess.

What would you say?

Excuse me.

Yes, what is it? The boy next to me is acting inappropriately.

How? He wants to show me his tattoo.

Not in a nice way.

Right.

You. Me? Yes.

Why don't you show us all your pathetic tattoo?

We can wonder at its magnificent stupidity. I don't think you'd like it.

Great bird!

Smartish! You've had an instruction.

Show her the tattoo now!

All right.

Oh, wait. No, no, no, no. Cook, cook. Wait, no. Please, please, please.

That is fucking impressive, so it is.

apologize again.

Could she expel you? What?

Well, getting your cock out in assembly. I mean, I'm just guessing here, but it's

possibly frowned upon.

Even in the state sector. She would have stood behind I was in. I was just doing

what I was told.

Very accommodating. Yeah? Oh, that's not about removing my bollocks with a monkey

wrench if she ever saw them again.

I think we've reached an understanding.

Right, to business.

You mean education?

Women, JJ.

Women.

Erm...

I mean, I feel like I might be... I don't want to run before I can walk.

Wow.

Girls.

There's a lot of them.

Yeah.

So much choice, it's disconcerting.

No, it's just a matter of sorting out the wheat from the chaffs.

Ah, there we are.

And the wolf shall lie down with the lamb.

You think she'd lie down with me?

No.

Yeah? Well, that line is wrong and popularly misquoted.

It should read, and the wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard

shall lie down with the kid, and the calf and the young lion and the fatted

calf together, and a little child shall lead them.

Yeah. Well, we'll try and pick the bones out of that, Jay.

I can show her one of my magic tricks.

Dad says it's a disarming icebreaker. Yeah?

Well, then let's try it out, then, before we go leaping in and we can see

who gets a fatted calf, right?

OK. Yeah, you.

Darling, my mate here wants to try out his pick-up routine on you. That OK?

Hey, hi.

I'm JJ.

Pack of cards, right?

Nothing funny about them, except one minute they're blue and...

Hi.

Hi.

You don't mind if I take this locker?

You can take anything if you want it enough.

Great. I mean, everything's new. I suppose we should probably, like, you

know, all get to know each other.

Why?

Well, um, I don't know.

You definitely looked at me this morning.

Twice.

And I just thought, you know, maybe we could get to know each other.

I look at lots of people. That doesn't mean I want to.

Get to know them.

Do you want me to want to get to know you?

I, er, I wouldn't mind.

Thing is, they want to get to know me too.

They're just wankers.

They're your best friends.

OK, so they're my best friends.

That makes it complicated, doesn't it?

I, erm, I was hoping not.

I'm Freddie.

Tell you what, Freddie.

Just... Fill in a form.

What's this?

A list of all the things you're not allowed to do at this college.

Like that head director girl said before your bestest mate got his cock out.

I was going to see if I could tick them all before the end of the day, but this

is much more interesting.

First one to fill that out gets to...

Get to know me.

And no cheating.

I'll need evidence.

Okay. Because I wouldn't fuck a cheat.

Sorry?

Now watch very closely.

Oh.

Where's it gone?

Oh.

Presto. Presto.

Best put that away before I lose it.

Fuck me!

Yes, that's alarming. So I'll just... And the coup de grace.

Prestissimo.

Yeah!

Magic!

So, the question is, pet, does that mean you want to give JJ a blowjob?

Excuse me, are you fucking deaf or something?

Yes, I am deaf. So why don't you give him a blowjob if you love him so much?

Tossers.

Especially you.

Who are we speaking to here?

Pixie's lip-reading, and I'm telling you what she says. Right, right.

Cool.

So she's got tits like Chucky Hobnob's, right, and I'd like to dunk him, suck

him and lick off the love.

I'm not sure if... You belong to us.

Bit spready, bit loose lung. You get me?

I think we've stumbled upon a fatal flaw in your thinking.

Listen, I mean, wait.

Hang on.

Presto, you cunting, small-bored arsehole bandit.

She may be deaf, but she's also extremely rude.

Yeah.

It's bloody annoying they put us in different forms.

I mean, okay, I'm totally useless and mum says I have to do hair and beauty,

but I'm quite good at philosophy too, so I can't understand why I can't do hair

and philosophy.

But you can't because it turns out hair and beauty is one subject, not two.

I mean, Laura, how mad is that?

It's inexplicable, Pandora.

Yeah, inexplicable.

What's an explicable meaner? Can't explain.

All right, suit yourself then.

Whoa.

Hi, I'm Katie.

I'm Bruno.

What do you know?

Hello.

Who's your friend?

Pandora. Wow, you're a quaker.

Thanks. Um...

It's nice to... I've got to go.

Struth? Do you think he'd do surf and turf with me yet?

I'll ask. Got to go.

Lesson one, practical skills. Filing on Ls. Handy.

I'm Pandora.

I'm useless.

Cute. I'm Katie.

That's my sister.

Aren't you Effie Stoneman?

Haven't you got, like, a really cool brother?

Yeah, he's cool. All my friends fancied him.

I wasn't so fusto. Didn't he go mental or something?

Anyway, I've got a boyfriend.

He plays for Bristol Robo Reserves.

Impressive. Yeah, he's well lush.

Let's sit together. We can chat, cos, you know.

Well, we're the best looking in here, really.

Sorry, but we are. We should hang out.

Definitely.

Oh, no, here it comes.

Total desert, bitch.

Excuse me.

Yeah, like, don't talk to her.

She tried to snog my sister at middle school.

Pervy. Don't you think, F?

Watch out, Katie.

Might get confused and fuck you with my great big strap on my mistake.

Muff-munching bitch.

Just jumped on you, didn't she? Leave it, Katie.

Whatever.

Come on.

We'll get the best seats, yeah?

So, you have the doormat, then?

Sort of.

Interesting that you just put up with that.

Yeah.

It's a challenging list.

Got to give her that.

Sex in school.

Tricky. Guys, we are now seven minutes, 57, 58, 59, eight minutes late for form

induction, part two. Shut up, will you, JJ?

Do you think she's serious?

There's only one way to find out.

Wait, you're not going to... I've already got teacher abuse ticked, see?

And how.

Your cock should not be that colour.

The game is on, Freddie.

You want to play?

Don't be stupid.

I tell you what, girls like stupid.

Ain't you worked that out yet?

And McFly.

Girls like McFly.

She's a naughty little girl.

And I don't like to disappoint.

Someone's left their shit in here, huh?

Yeah! Oh, nice.

Check this out.

Oh, my God.

Cook, cook.

I'm not sure if that's legal.

Oh, that's definitely not legal.

I don't know who this C guy was, but he's got a fucking great tasting gas.

I can't look. Don't let me look.

I have to look.

Oh, holy shit, that's forbidden. Forbidden.

Verboten. Antetit.

Prohibido. Prohibido.

Prohibido.

I'm sorry.

Was I getting locked on there? Locked on, JJ.

OK.

I'm all right. I'm fine. But can I just remind you, in a casual, non-locked-on

way, that we're late?

We're late.

We're late. We're late. JJ!

Sorry. I'm fine.

We going?

I'm going.

Shoot me. Huh? Your fucking camera. Go on.

Right, action.

God, what the fuck are you doing? Action! Do it, man.

All saving this for lunch?

Or what the fuck?

Cheers.

God, what the fuck are you doing?

You are fucking mental So you

see

They don't mean it. That's what you have to remember. They're just kids.

Kids, yes?

I, um, I suppose so.

They don't mean it.

Have you ever fallen off a horse?

You have to drink your milk and get straight back on that horse.

Okay? Back.

Yes? Oggy, oggy, oggy!

What? Kids.

Cheeky. Immature, harmless, they can't hurt you, okay?

Okay, they can't hurt me.

Good girl.

Saddle up!

Firmly and round it off across Firmly and round it off across Firmly

and round it off across Firmly and round it off across Firmly and round

it off across Firmly and round it off across Firmly and round it off

across

Mettons les jolis jupons mon âme, j'ai rendez-vous, j'ai rendez-vous. Mettons

les jolis jupons mon âme, j'ai rendez-vous Seigneur avec vous.

Smooth the cuticle.

Push.

Smooth the cuticle.

Push. Remember to breathe.

Smooth the cuticle.

Push.

Smooth the cuticle.

Push, yes?

I'm sorry.

We're filing.

What is it?

Well, um, blimey, this is fascinating.

Mega fun.

But the thing is, I have to get out of here.

Sorry?

I have to go because... because I've got three super-duper zits coming on.

They're like proper seepers.

Oh, my God.

Yes, go.

Go. For God's sake, go.

Refresh and moisturise. Don't waste a second.

Yeah, refresh and...

A moment.

Smith, the cuticle.

Bush.

Flemenac. Speak out here.

Great. Now we've got a...

Okay, whatever.

We've got to stand up, say our names and a unique fact about ourselves.

Right, I'll start.

Christ.

I'm Ciaran and I hate being a fucking teacher.

You.

I'm JJ, and with regard to mathematic aptitude, I'm in the top 0.3% of the

population, which is an interesting demographic statistic, because

paradoxically, my communication, interpersonal and intuitive skills are

towards the lower quartiles. Yeah, you've stopped me in me fucking tracks

there. Yeah. You.

Um, I'm Katie.

I've never not had a boyfriend since I was seven.

Congratulations. You.

Um... I'm Emily.

I've never had a boyfriend.

Shit happens.

You?

I'm Naomi.

Hate and justice.

People tell lies about me.

You at the back.

I'm Kumar. I'm gay.

Yep, yep, good. You?

I'm Max and both my parents are artists.

Great. I'm very, very happy for you.

What about you? We're at the bling.

I'm Effie.

And I think my mum's having an affair.

Good one. Sure is enterprise.

What about you, big man?

Erm... I'm Freddie.

I've met a girl I like today.

She's, like... ..beautiful.

That's it.

That's it.

That's your unique fact.

That's just great.

Fascinating, Freddie. Thank you for that. What about you?

I'm Katie, and I had prostitutes for breakfast.

Prostitutes. That's product placement, in my opinion. You there at the back

beside the wee gay man.

My name's David, and seven members of my immediate family have been on crime

watch. Great. What a year this is going to be.

Kieran? Yes?

I'm feeling rather shit.

I think maybe I need to go to the nurse's office.

Oh, yeah?

OK, go on, then.

Right, where were we?

Stuff it. Let's just watch a DVD about... Oh, Christ.

How to be inclusive.

Holy mother of divine shite. Who makes up this shit? Actually, Kieran, I'm not

feeling too well either.

My balls are aching. I might have to go and see that nurse. Right, bugger off,

then.

Cheers, Kieran.

See if she can laser Jordan off them.

Right, how about the plot of this thing?

Hang on.

Clue.

Hey, can I be in this class?

I don't like mine.

Why not?

Just make up the numbers.

Are you doing some A-levels? One, please.

Philosophy?

OK, sit down.

When you've worked out the point of living, you come and fucking tell me,

OK? Whizzer?

Where's Effie?

They don't have an ass.

I just gotta get drugs.

And sex.

With our tears, magic.

With our tears, magic.

With our tears, magic.

Oh, yes.

No way to.

Mother loose. No way to.

Suck an egg. No way to.

Go home.

No way to.

We can't find out.

On top of the snow. No place to hold.

Do what you will.

Do what you will.