Original subtitles

all visitors to go ashore.

Follow that boat!

Roger, would you go away? We're not supposed to be seen together.

Elaine, we're going to Mexico together.

Roger, I've changed my mind. This is a large ship, and I think we should travel

separately.

All right, Elaine, if that's the way you want it. But there is one place where we

might bump into each other. Where?

In our cabin.

Elaine?

Oh, God.

I think I'm having hot flashes. I can't breathe.

Mother, why don't you take off that mink? It's 90 degrees. here i don't know

why you brought that i wasn't gonna leave four thousand dollars back home in

the closet i don't know why you talked me into this tour everybody's so young

you're gonna have a wonderful time it says so in the brochure don't believe

everything you read smell that air it's filled with the aroma of eligible men

how can you tell it's instinct i have a nose for men oh excuse me do you work

here i sure do i'm your cruise director sandy summers i'm in charge of fun and

games Oh, you're just the one I was looking for.

I'm Donna Marley, and this is my sister Linda.

Hello, beautiful.

Ralph!

Oh,

thanks. I needed that.

What an unpleasant surprise.

Yes, I know you'd be glad to see me.

Bye.

Wow, how do I get your job?

Is he part of Thunder Games?

Well, let me see.

He does like to play around.

Is he your old man? No, he's my tax man.

Well, you must file some return.

Captain, we're clear of the breakwater now, and the course from the seaboard is

141 degrees.

The coastal weather report gives us clear visibility and slight seas.

All right. Thank you, Mr. Creighton.

Sounds like our cue to go below.

No, no, there's no rush.

Why don't you and Angela stick around?

An old Navy man like you ought to learn how modern captains navigate.

Fact is, Tom, these things are so computerized, they could take themselves

to Acapulco.

Who needs you?

Well, the passengers. They have a sense of security, you see, knowing there's

someone up here that can go down with the ship.

Sandy Summers?

Hi, I'm Dr. Jim Berkley with the Psychologist Seminar Group.

We've got a mix-up in our cabin assignments.

Oh, there always is.

You see, they've put Dr. Livingstone in 428.

Now, that's a small inside cabin, and he's claustrophobic.

Oh, dear. Well, let's get him out of there.

Dr. Anderson is alone in the large cabin.

Would he be happy there?

Oh, he'd be ecstatic. Dr. Anderson's a lady.

Moving right along.

Here's something.

Gopher? Yes?

Gopher, would you please transfer Dr. Livingstone from 428 to 261?

261. Okay, Sandy.

Thanks. Thank you.

So, Dr.

Livingstone, I presume?

Uh, no, and you're lucky.

He said he'd punch out the next guy who said that.

Chief Engineer, please call 376. Hi, Sandy.

Hi, Amy.

What do you think, Sandy, huh?

If my act bombs, they can throw the tomatoes at her.

It looks just like you.

I told them to take my best side, but they insisted I face the camera.

Hey, shouldn't you be getting your act together?

I shouldn't be here at all.

I thought the love boat was a motel in Reno.

I mean, what do I know from oceans?

I was brought up in cement.

I even get seasick in a jacuzzi.

If that's not part of your act, it should be.

You like it, Don?

It's in.

And I'm out. So long, folks.

Come on, sweetheart, we got a show to do. You can zip me up.

You think anybody saw us come in?

Only the passengers and the crew.

What's the difference?

Thank you.

Shall we unpack?

No, I'll do it later.

Oh, look, they even give us music.

How romantic.

Oh, Roger, not now, okay?

Not now? What did we come here for?

I know, but I...

Well, I'm just not used to this kind of thing, and I'm a respectable wife and

mother, and I'm not supposed to be running off with my tennis pro for two

weeks of hanky-panky. Elaine, this isn't hanky-panky. This is a very special

relationship.

You've had special relationships with over half the women at the club. But

this is different. This is emotions, feelings, the kind of a thing that...

It's hanky-panky, Roger.

Or at least it will be if I ever work up the nerve.

Well, we might as well be honest about this.

Well, that's pretty honest.

Well, Stephen says I'm too honest.

I embarrass him sometimes. Can't we leave your husband out of this? How can

we? If it weren't for him, we wouldn't be in this.

What do you mean you can't find my wife?

Look, I radioed from the water taxi.

I'm sorry, Mr. Palmer. I checked.

There's no Elaine Palmer on the passenger list. Did you check all the

Palmers?

You're the only one.

Did you check all the Elaine's?

Look, I mean, I know she's here. She left me a note.

You left him a note?

Well, I didn't name any names.

I just said I was getting on a boat with another man.

He won't even read it till he gets home next week.

Did Stephen leave you a note when he went flying off to New York to see his

little redhead?

Well, he didn't have to. I took him to the airport.

I didn't know about the little redhead then.

And Stephen's always flying to New York.

You never suspected he was fooling around?

Well, why should I?

He never fools around at home.

Well, I mean, he's not home very much.

Stephen is very successful.

I never suspected anything until I found that tacky letter.

Dear Stephen, your little redhead is so lonesome for her big old poo bear.

Poo bear?

Are you sure she's old enough to have an affair?

I'm very sure.

It took her three pages to describe what she was going to do to her old poo bear

when he got to New York.

Roger, I...

I never heard of half those things.

It doesn't make any difference.

I'll explain them all to you.

Elaine, honey.

It's just like tennis.

You have to relax.

Maybe if I had a racket in my hand?

What's the problem?

It just all happened so fast.

I only heard about the other girl yesterday and... I just didn't even know

what to do. I wasn't even angry at first. I was just hurt.

Elaine. Then I got depressed.

I mean, suicide depressed.

But then I had to go pick up the kids from school and one had football

practice and I had a tennis lesson and... I didn't have time for suicide.

That's when I got angry.

I mean, Stephen had plenty of time for his little redhead, but I didn't have

time to kill myself.

That's when I called the...

Travel agent, and he told me about this cruise.

Elaine, we're on the cruise. Are we going to talk all the way to Mexico?

Roger, you have to understand one thing. When I asked you to come with me, I

wasn't thinking about sex.

Well, what were you thinking about?

Revenge.

I just wanted to get back at Stephen.

For ten years, it's been nobody but Stephen.

Lately, it's been nobody.

I mean, I try very hard not to think about sex.

You don't think anything about it?

I don't know what I think.

It's been so long, I'm afraid the styles have changed.

Nothing's changed, Elaine.

It's still great.

Couldn't we at least wait until dark?

But unless we know what name your wife is using, Mr. Palmer, I'm afraid that we

can't find her just like that. I didn't get to the top by saying can't. All

right, sir.

Bill, passenger Robert Simpson, please report to the purser's lobby.

Passenger Robert Simpson, please.

Uh, sir, I'm afraid not. You see, the PA system just goes into the public rooms.

Only the Muzak goes into the cabin. How far away is Muzak? Well, that's right

there, sir. But, uh, sir, passengers are not supposed to go... Well, occasionally

we make an exception.

Are you ready, Roger?

You bet I'm ready, Elaine.

Roger, you're supposed to be getting dressed for dinner.

That's two hours from now.

I wonder what we could possibly do till then.

Before dinner?

It's an appetizer.

Believe me, you'll never go back to shrimp cocktail.

Elaine, we'll take it nice and easy, one step at a time.

I'd like to kiss you, but my lips don't go that high.

Attention, please.

Passenger Elaine Palmer, please report to the radio room immediately.

Elaine Palmer.

Somebody knows.

Don't be silly. Who could know?

God? Don't you think God would have a deeper voice?

Somebody just call my name.

It's a coincidence. Another Elaine Palmer.

There's another Elaine Palmer.

I want to meet her.

Why don't we look nice?

I've arranged for us to have a private little drink. What are you doing here?

We have a lot to talk about.

Will the cruise director please call 459?

Cruise director, call 459, please.

I got home early.

Do you know what it's like to come home and find nothing left of your entire

family but a note?

Dear Stephen.

The kids are with my mother.

I'm with another man.

But I didn't say where.

I mean, how did you find me? You said boat.

There are only two sailing today, this one and a banana boat to Guatemala.

Lord, Elaine, how could you do this to me?

I haven't done this to you, Stephen.

You're never around long enough for me to do anything.

And that's your excuse?

I mean, I'm never home, so you've got to find other men?

I haven't found other men.

You mean this is the first lover you've had?

I haven't even had this lover.

Then you haven't...

No.

Only thing I'm guilty of is getting on the ship with him.

I thought I knew you.

I don't know you at all.

How could you?

You have to be with a person to know them.

People who really know each other sometimes even sleep together. Okay,

okay. In the same bed.

At the same time. All right, look. I'm always in our bed alone.

Well, you think I want it that way?

That's my job, and I've got to be away from home.

I know you're very important.

One day at home from your advertising agency, and bang, no more America. Don't

I give you everything you need?

I don't need a house with five bathrooms.

Nobody needs more bathrooms in their home than they have a doctor's baby in.

Wait a minute.

You mean that's why I come home to an empty house because you've got five

bathrooms? That is not the point.

You're a lunatic.

You know what you got?

You got a little case of housewife blues, and now I find myself on a boat

to Mexico.

And before I forget it, who's this guy you're with?

I don't like being stabbed in the back by my friends.

Is that one of my friends?

You're too busy to have friends, Stephen. That's what I thought.

Little redheads, perhaps.

But not friends.

Little redheads?

Maybe the name Big Ol' Pooh Bear rings a bell?

According to little old Redhead, big old Pooh Bear just rings every bell.

Okay.

You read the letter?

I found it yesterday.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Well, all I could think of was two can play at his game. I'm sorry.

Or three.

Or however many it takes. Oh, now, wait a minute.

What I did was wrong, and I'm sorry about it, but that's no reason for you

to do the same thing.

Well, can you give me a better reason? Sure, I can give you a reason. You don't

have a reason.

You're a wife, Elaine. You're a mother.

You're a woman. Women don't fool around.

Well, then precisely who are you men supposed to fool around with?

Elaine, look, I've had a long day, and I've got to make arrangements yet to get

us off of this ship in the morning.

Us? What makes you think us is getting off this ship?

All right, all right. You've made your little point. Now you're going to go

back to Beverly Hills where you belong, and the discussion is over.

What about the redhead?

I asked you a question, Stephen.

Is it over?

Elaine, the discussion's over.

No, it's not, Stephen.

It hasn't even started.

Well, were they paging you?

No. They wanted a different Elaine Palmer.

I thought so.

I'm dressed for dinner.

Roger.

We're going to be very late for dinner.

Well, this is a surprise.

Thought you'd be sleeping late.

Both of you.

I've been looking for you.

Oh, yeah? Why?

Don't tell me opening night was a flop.

Leading man couldn't handle the part.

What do you want to hear?

The truth.

How was last night?

It was incredible.

Oh.

How do you feel?

Go ahead.

Rub it in. Rub it in. I want to know how you feel.

If you feel anything like I did when I read that letter.

If you feel anything at all.

You taking a survey?

Okay. I feel a lot of things. I feel hurt.

I feel jealous.

Mostly I feel like throwing up.

That's exactly how I felt about the written.

That's terrific.

Now you can go back to him.

I don't want to go back to him.

To whom, then?

To you?

I realized last night I was acting like an idiot.

The only person I ever wanted was you.

I love you, Stephen.

I don't love our marriage very much right now, but I do love you.

Just wanted you to know that before you go.

Assume you've made plans to go?

Yeah.

Water taxi's picking me up off Ensenada on a charter flight to LA.

Well, that's why you're successful. You know how to arrange things.

What about New York? Will you be staying there longer?

Haven't you thought about those arrangements?

I haven't thought about much of anything.

I guess it's better if we don't see each other for a while.

We don't see each other now.

You know what I mean.

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, what do we do?

Shake hands?

I don't want to embarrass you with any unwanted affection.

Kenneth, anyone?

Here we go!

The name of the game is Jackpot Bingo.

Does everyone have a card?

Yeah!

Okay, now you all know how to win the game.

Five across, down, or diagonal.

Yell bingo and yell it loud.

Yes. Will you marry me?

Not now, Ralph. I'm busy.

Is that a definite no or a maybe?

N31. You know, when you were going with Jerry, it was always, not now, Ralph.

I'm occupied.

N32. And then when you broke up with Jerry, it was always, not now, Ralph.

I'm preoccupied.

G53. But now you're just kind of busy. Does that mean I have a chance?

Ralph, do you want me to leave my job? I can't talk now.

Well, I can, and I love you.

Nobody cares, Ralph.

Yes, they do. The whole world loves lovers.

What's your name, honey? Alice Newkirk. Alice Newkirk. Don't you think Sandy

should marry me?

Well, if she won't, honey, I will.

There you go.

And you better move fast, or Alice is going to get me.

Ralph, don't press your luck.

Luck? What luck? I never had any luck with you, and you know why? Because you

never took the time to get to know me.

But we're on this ship for ten days.

And my luck's going to change.

G-52.

G-52.

That's me.

Bingo. I got it.

See? My luck has changed already.

No, it's not.

Gopher, would you call the next game, please?

And check Mr. Manning's card. Ralph, would you follow me, please? Anyways.

Okay, Chris, if you want to check that card, we'll be moving right along,

ladies and gentlemen, with more jackpot bingo.

And the game we're going to play now is a little thing we call the layer cake.

That's one line across the top. Dave, a couple of pina coladas, please. You said

I never took the time to get to know you.

Do you want to know why?

Why? Because I didn't want to be just another notch on your bedpost.

Oh, I know why you're chasing after me. Because I'm the girl you didn't get.

Sandy, I admit, I... I used to chase around a little.

A little?

I think you were just the busiest little bee in the hive. I think you pollinated

every flower in Southern California.

I don't know. I think I missed a day's here, too.

Thank you, David.

But that's all over now, really.

I am totally reformed, honest.

Sandy, I really mean it.

I believe you mean it when I see you do it.

Now, listen, there is a lot of very nice merchandise on this ship, if I was in

the market, but I'm not.

I was just browsing.

Oh.

Mirror, mirror on the wall.

Couldn't you lie a little?

Oh, Pat, look.

What?

Look, Pat.

All I see is gorgeous.

You're looking at you.

That wasn't there this morning.

Mom, that just means that you've laughed and you've loved.

Those are furrows of experience.

It's okay, I'm Cary Grant, but I don't feel so experienced.

Look at me.

They used to call me Skinny. I'm a size 14 tent.

Oh, no.

Just a pup tent.

Are you really a 14?

Well, that's cheap.

Well, that's expensive. I'm a 12.

Well, they would call you Skinny again.

If you'd stop eating.

Oh, Pat, don't start on me.

If you'd have the same shock I had, you'd be eating, too.

Mom, not every woman goes on a bakery binge just because she loses her

husband. Lose him? I didn't lose him. He was stolen right from under me. Pat,

don't ever trust a man over 52, especially if he's got a secretary who's

had her front reorganized.

Mom. It's true.

I gave your father the best years of my life, and he gave her the best...

minutes of his lunch hour. That was last year.

This is this year.

You're gonna go out and meet new people and forget him. Forget him?

I'm not enlightened like you. He was my whole life.

And then he walked out and left me holding nothing but an alimony check.

That's no fun to take a shower with.

Mom, there are lots of men on this ship. I hate this ribbon. So do I.

Now, you're going to go out, you're going to dust off your sex appeal, and

you're going to attract one.

Pat, a man who's my age doesn't want a woman my age. He wants a woman your age.

Mileage has nothing to do with it.

What's inside that counts?

Maybe I should exercise more.

More? Maybe you should exercise period.

You know, you had your choice, Mom, this cruise or a two-week jogging marathon.

I don't know where you get your ideas, Pat.

want to spend $500 a week to run around in funny underwear.

Besides, I just want to meet new people. I don't want to get a coronary. Get

dressed. We're going to be late for dinner.

I am dressed.

Don't you ever wear anything but blue jeans.

I bet you got the label embossed on your bottom.

Passengers having the second sitting for dinner are requested to proceed to the

dining room located on the coral deck. All passengers to the second sitting,

you may now proceed to the dining room.

Oh, scallops and cream?

Delicious. I could have eaten a boatload.

I think you did.

I must get this recipe from the chef.

Mother, do your waistline a favor.

Don't. Spoiled sport.

Well, Donna, there's no action here.

Why don't we hit one of the bars?

I'm going to the bars. You're going to put on your bunny feet pajamas and go

beddy-bye.

Let me go with you.

No. I promise I won't be in the way.

No. Oh, what a drag.

I wish I was a bear.

Then I could sleep through my puberty.

Drink your milk.

You know, Pat, I don't understand you. With all the girls in here dressed for

romance, why are you dressed for a weenie? Lord, don't sit down. Why does

it say wet paint?

I know.

Look. I just can't believe it. What? No, don't look.

Don't look.

Okay, I won't look. All right, then look, but don't look like you're

looking. Mother, how can I see if you won't let me look?

All right, don't look, but you may see something.

Mother, you're acting crazy.

What are they doing?

What is who doing? The distinguished man who's sitting with the captain and that

long, elegant drink of water draped all over him.

Well, what's he doing?

He's nibbling her earlobe.

Oh, gotcha.

Mother, they're not even looking at you. What is the panic?

I know him.

Oh, boy, do I know him.

Free. Let's go say hello.

I'd rather jump overboard.

Let's just get out of here.

Oh.

Mother, will you slow down?

Mother,

will you slow down a minute? Mother, come on. Come on. I want you to sit

down. Come on.

Mother, slow. Mother, here.

Stop. Sit down.

Now, we are all alone.

And I'm going to take it very slowly and make it very easy on you.

Who was he?

His name is Robert Grant.

Great. Now you're rolling. Okay.

When was the last time you saw him?

22 years ago. We were in Long Beach. Remember?

How could I forget?

I was three.

It was the year I found out I wasn't a boy.

You were in nursery school.

He was in the Navy.

I was collecting for the March of Dimes, and his destroyer was in my block.

I remember the first time I met him.

He put $20 in my collection box, and he asked me to lunch.

So you had lunch with him?

Lots of lunches.

Long lunches.

How long is...

Long.

One lasted a week.

Remember that time when your Aunt Sylvia was so sick?

She wasn't that sick.

So, you had an affair.

Shh. Not so loud.

Sir, we're alone.

Besides, you and Pop are divorced already.

They cannot get you for retroactive fooling around.

That was the only time I was ever unfaithful to your father.

Which is more than I can say for him.

Mom, were you in love with Robert Grant?

Oh, yes.

Of course.

What did you think? I wanted a free lunch?

We were so close.

Six incredible, secret months.

It's just so wonderful being together.

You know, you're very lucky.

Some women live their whole lives and never know a love like that.

I never told anyone about this.

I didn't share it with dear Abby.

You know what? I would love to meet him. Why don't you invite him up for a drink?

No!

Too many calories have gone under the bridge.

I'd like him to remember me just the way I was. Oh, I give up.

Okay, I'm going to call you with nothing.

Come in, ladies.

Come in quick.

Maybe you can change my luck.

Sandy,

how you doing? You on my right, you on my left.

Being captain has its advantages, you see.

Glad to see you remembered the pass lock.

That's more than I can say for you.

Well, it's a mental thing.

As soon as I got out of the Navy, I blocked on everything military.

Well, I don't know about that. You're still pretty big with 24-hour passes.

That's cruel, Isaac, cruel.

Incredibly accurate, but cruel.

Here, deal.

Five-card draw.

Jack's a bet it opened.

Amy, you are looking at the commander and crew of the USS Chadway.

These guys all served together.

Aw, you're putting me on.

That's what I said.

Well, we all made a promise while we were ducking artillery off Da Nang over

there that we'd all sail together in peaceful waters someday.

Aw, and here it is.

Someday. That's nice.

Meet Yeoman First Class Burl Smith.

Gopher. It's Gopher.

That's Chief Petty Officer Isaac Washington.

Yo.

And this is Lieutenant Dr.

Adam Bricker.

Open wide and say, uh... Lady, you really changed my luck. Got worse.

I know.

Good, I got two jacks. So that means I rake in the stacks.

All right, Sandy, you deal. Sandy, we didn't expect to see you here tonight.

We thought you might be carousing in the crow's nest.

Gopher, have you been spreading idle gossip again?

Nothing idle about it. He's been bopping around telling everybody.

Gopher.

Well... Well, Sandy, the guy proposed to you in the middle of a bingo game. I

mean, N32, will you marry me?

That's not very top secret.

Who proposed to you?

His name is Ralph Manning. He's a CPA from Seattle, and he makes six digits a

year. Thank you, Dun & Bradstreet.

What do we know about this dude? I mean...

How long has he been hanging around?

Two years.

He's the friend of my ex-friend.

Hey, now, wait a minute, Sandy. Now, I say, cool it. I mean, you just bailed

out of one bad scene. Why get yourself into another?

Look, I... I say, dump him before he breaks your heart. Oh, wait a minute,

wait a minute. Just because this guy is coming on to Sandy doesn't mean she's

gonna marry him.

Hey, can I... How do you know that? He chased her on the ship. He's been

chasing her for two years.

I say, el dumpo.

What do you say, Gopher? Well, I think she ought to grab him.

She's not getting any younger. Knock it off.

You guys all put in your two cents. I'd like to say something.

I wish you would.

Sandy, do you want to get married? I think that's terrific.

We'll all be bridesmaids.

But right now, here tonight, I came to play poker.

Now shut up and deal.

Yeah, for crying out loud, will you shut up and deal? Yeah, shut up and deal.

Passengers, your attention, please.

The Pacific Princess arrives at Puerto Vallarta at 12 noon.

The gangway exit will be located on the port side of Fiesta Deck.

Linda, you're tailgating me again.

I'm sorry I didn't see your brake lights go on.

I was looking at something much more interesting.

Give me a box.

You mean Gopher?

Yeah. What a swell name.

And dig those threads.

Boy, I go all limp when I see a uniform like that.

Well, unlimp yourself, you little vamp, and stick to somebody your own size.

He's my size.

Now, how do I get him?

Are you serious?

Sure I'm serious.

Last night I sat behind him in the movies.

He was so cute. Every time Bogart kissed Bacall, his ears wiggled.

Now, tell me, what's the first thing I do to make him notice me?

Well, the first thing is we got to split up.

Why? Because guys don't like girls who travel in packs. It makes them nervous.

Who's a pack?

A dense crowd.

Now, you do your thing, and I'll do mine.

Just don't you do yours out of my sight.

Okay. I'll do mine right over there by the bar.

Okay.

Donna, what is my thing?

Huh?

Never mind.

Two over easy.

Later, Angela.

Hi. Hi.

Hello, girl.

Gopher. The name I acquired in Vietnam.

I guess I didn't make a very big impression, did I?

Munchkin, in another five years, you are going to be a knockout.

Think you'll wait that long?

I don't think so.

Neither do I.

Give me a double anything.

Sandy? Hi, Ralph. Sandy, Sandy.

You've been avoiding me.

Oh, no, I'm not.

Oh, at first I was avoiding you. Then I was ignoring you.

Now I'm just overlooking you. Because I'm busy, Ralph.

I'm really busy. Yeah, but Sandy, I'm not busy.

I swear to you, I'm on the wagon. Four days at sea, I haven't even looked at a

girl. Sandy, I am clean.

I don't know how the monks do it. Oh, good boy.

What are you doing now?

On my way to the sing-along rehearsal.

How about an hour from now?

Supervising the bridge tournament.

All right, two hours from now.

Teaching women how to make gingham hats.

Then I've got to make sure the shuffleboarders have shuffles and the

flycatchers have flies.

You must have some time off. What do you do when you're not working?

I'm sleeping.

That's sleeping sleeping with no time off for bad behavior.

I've got to go, Ralph.

Bye.

Hi. I'm Donna Morley, and I couldn't help overhearing.

If you need someone to be alone with, I'm available.

No, I'm trying to cut down.

Donna?

Donna, huh? Yeah.

Donna, how would you like to go see Puerto Vallarta with me this afternoon?

Boy, would we?

We? I'm her sister, Linda. We're inseparable.

No, we're not. We're very separable.

You wouldn't leave a little kid all alone in a ship now, would you?

No, of course we wouldn't do that. As a matter of fact, we'll all go to see

Puerto Vallarta.

And Donna, I'll buy you a margarita. And Linda, I'll buy you a piñata.

And we'll all meet at the Riviera Deck at 1 o'clock, okay?

But right now, I gotta go.

Where are you going?

Take a cold shower.

I want to talk to you. Huh?

One plum, two plums, and a lemon.

Sorry, am I lying?

I don't know why I play these things. I never win.

Because it gets you out of the cabin.

You know, you would be great in combat.

You just dig right in.

No, Pat.

It's in the hands of fate.

If I meet him, I meet him.

Good girl.

If he comes in that door, I'm going out that one.

That's the old fighting spirit, Mom.

You have a good time.

You too, baby.

Religion. Honest. See, I have a St.

Christopher's, and a Mrs.

and a poker shell.

Hey!

I did it! I did it! Oh, whatever. You got a cup or something? Oh, no. You can

play. Okay. Here.

Help me.

Thank you. Oh!

My husband, the rat, used to tell me, never to carry more money than you can

afford to lose.

He ought to know. He had a liquor store. And he was robbed 13 times.

13 times.

I hope he's not suspicious.

That's bad luck.

I'll see you later.

Don't take any wooden quarters.

Listen, Bob.

If any luck, I can have the ship's log done in about an hour.

I'll just come by your cabin and pick you up. Oh, great, Tom. I've heard about

a dozen rumors about you I'd like to catch up on, like that whale you hooked

in Foonsoon Harbor.

That damn fish towed me halfway to Japan.

Captain Ahab, I salute you. Well, it's a big lie. It never happened. Oh, I

feel... Oh, I... Oh.

Here. Here you go.

Are you all right, madam?

Yes. Did you brush? Oh, thank you. Excuse me.

Got it?

Yeah. Do you remember that bosun's mate, the clumsy one?

The one that... He was pole-legged. Yes, I ran into him.

He didn't even recognize me.

He didn't even recognize me.

Mom, what happened?

Oh, you won.

Hey, that's great.

Well, aren't you happy?

Yeah, I'm ecstatic.

Give me a Kleenex. Why isn't there ever a Kleenex when you're falling apart?

Emotional, but I never knew you cried over jackpot. I bumped right into him.

Him who?

Oh, him.

Cut me out of the elevator.

Well, that's great, Mom. You don't have to hide behind deck chairs anymore.

And he didn't even recognize me.

Oh, Pat, we were as close as we are right now.

And all he said was, Madam, are you all right?

Oh, Pat, maybe I should have my face lifted.

Oh, Mom, come on.

Chin's up.

You changed a little. It's been a long time, that's all. But he hasn't changed.

He isn't even gray.

Well, neither are you.

What does that prove? You both dye your hair.

There wasn't such a rat. He gave me one hell of a daughter.

I love you, too.

You feel better now?

Yeah. Except I look like a one-eyed blowfish.

No, no, I look the way I feel.

Well, listen, you just sit here and count your winnings. I have to talk to a

man about a drink.

Hey, you got a date?

Um, let's just say I'm working on it.

Smile a lot. You got your father's smile.

Got a bit of his mustache, too.

You sure you're okay?

I must be. I'm beginning to think of all the things I should have said.

Attagirl.

Mirror, mirror.

Somebody must be lying.

Yes? Mr. Grant, my name is Pat McFarland. I'd like to talk to you for a

minute. Oh, come in.

Mom, you've got a date with Robert Grant.

That is a rotten joke to play on your mother.

You weren't listening. I said Robert Grant wants to see you.

I'll send him a picture, a very old picture.

Mother, I'm not kidding.

I know.

Does his wife want to see me, too? His very young wife?

Angela is his very young daughter. His wife died ten years ago.

I'm sorry.

This is it.

Come on. I'll help you get dressed. Did you tell him that I wanted to see him?

Mother, would I do that?

Yes.

Eva? Yes.

Hey, come in.

Come in.

I'm so glad you're here.

Why didn't you come sooner?

I only found out your cabin number 20 minutes ago.

I still can't believe it. Here we are on the same ship, and how could we have

missed each other?

Let me tell you, it wasn't easy. Well, it doesn't matter now. You're here.

And it's wonderful seeing you again.

It's been a long time.

Seems like only yesterday.

Doesn't time fly?

That's the third cliche in a row, which entitles you to a drink.

You know, you've hardly changed at all.

Yes, I have.

I am older and wiser and a little

thicker around the middle.

Oh, I bet you could still get into your naval uniform.

Only the tie and socks.

The rest of it I'm going to have bronzed and used as a planter.

Well, here's looking at you, love.

Here's looking at you.

Well, here we are.

Here we are.

Listen to us.

Isn't that something?

There was a time when you couldn't stop us talking, and now we can't seem to get

started. Oh, hey, I haven't even asked you to sit down.

There's a comfortable chair over here.

I am sitting down, Robert.

Oh.

Damn.

I thought I had you fooled.

Pat didn't tell me.

I asked her not to.

Why? Well, I didn't want you to come down here to see me just because you

felt sorry for me.

Rob.

I thought that's why you invited me.

Don't be silly.

Hey.

I know you're embarrassed because you think you look different.

To me, you're the same.

Don't you see, Eva?

That's all that's important.

When... I mean, how did it... How... How did I lose my sight?

Yes.

It was a flash fire on my destroyer seven years ago.

I was lucky.

I lost a couple of my men.

Why didn't you let me know?

Well, how was I to reach you?

And even if I did, what could I say?

Hi, Eve.

How's everything with you?

I'm blind.

I said no feeling sorry for me. I'm in terrific shape.

The only thing I can't do now that I could do then is recognize old friends.

I know.

I bumped into you in the elevator earlier.

Good Lord.

Was that you?

Why didn't you say something?

Well, after you called me madam, I got kind of choked up.

Come here, you.

Let me... Let me really see you.

That's better.

You always did have the softest skin.

They may not be playing our song, but... Did we have a song?

No. I didn't think so.

I promised myself once that if we ever met again, they'd have to pry us apart.

You've got to cry.

No, no.

And I don't have a Kleenex, as usual.

Right in the middle of inventory.

You know, they're showing another Bogart movie tonight after we leave Acapulco.

No kidding. Try to guess which one. Oh, well. If you want me, darling, just

whistle. You do know how to whistle, don't you?

Just pucker and blow.

Heaven have not 1944.

And your Lauren Bacall sounds more like Marie Osmond, sweetheart.

Marie Osmond?

Yeah, you like that? No, I like Donnie better.

Will you stay with me?

Oh, Linda, you know, I have seen that movie so many times that I really

don't... Okay, forget movies.

How about ping pong?

Oh, rotten ping pong player. Bad wrist.

Shuffleboard? Ah, week back.

Well, okay, how about checkers? Listen, you know what?

I'm not much of an athlete.

Oh, I gotta go. Listen, bye. I'll see you later. What about parachuting?

Dinner for...

These roadmaps look very much like eyes.

I want to give it to you straight, kid.

My diagnosis is terminal lying awake all night.

Right. Any particular reason?

I don't know.

I was tossing and turning.

I guess I was thinking about Ralph.

Just thinking?

What a waste of good tossing and turning.

Here, put three drops an inch high and try to get eight hours sleep.

Thanks.

What's the problem between you and Ralph?

If it's sex, tell me about it. That's my field.

I hate to break it to you, Doc, but sex isn't everything.

First Santa Claus, now this?

I've got to be strong.

Anyway, I don't want to lie awake again all night, and I'm all out of sleeping

pills. Forget the pills. They don't help you sleep. They help the people who

manufacture them sleep.

What you need is to clear up your feelings about Ralph.

You really like the guy?

He's starting to grow on me.

Well, why don't you do something about it, besides staring at the ceiling all

night? You think so?

Well, sure.

What are you afraid of?

Yeah, what am I afraid of? Worst thing that can happen is you'll marry the guy.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Well, at least I cleared that up for you.

Thanks, Doc.

You're a real friend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just don't tell me I remind you of your brother.

I don't have a brother.

But if I did, I'd want him to be as cute as you.

All right, get out of here.

unless you're Warren Beatty.

This is an IRS tax audit. You owe $4,000 on last year's return.

Talk to my accountant, the crook.

Can't do that. He's serving five to life for intent to commit marriage.

Ralph, I gotta get up early tomorrow.

I know. Don't tell me you gotta put bait on the hooks for the tarpon fishing

tournament. Sandy, I gotta ask you something.

Okay.

One snores for yes.

Two snores is for now.

Well, I don't want you to wear out your sinuses.

I read eyes.

Come in. Thank you.

Now, do I have your undivided attention?

You do, whoever you are.

I'm the man that wants you to join him in the state of holy matrimony.

Now, now, now, before you give me a couple of snores, Sandy, I want to give

you what every woman has wanted since Anthony took Cleopatra up the Nile.

You're going to give me a barge?

I'm not going to give you a barge. I want to give you a townhouse in the

city, three cars in the garage, elm trees by the door, a rose garden, an

onion patch.

And a partridge in a pear tree.

Come on, Sandy, we could ski in the winter, Europe in the spring, Hawaii in

the summer.

Bankruptcy in the fall.

Sandy, I'm trying to propose, and you're breaking in your act for Las Vegas.

You're not taking me seriously.

I took your friend Jerry seriously.

But I'm not Jerry. I'm me.

And I want to marry you.

Marry?

There's that word again.

Such a heavy commitment.

I mean, till death do us part.

Isn't that awfully final?

Well, I'm just not sure I'm ready to forsake all others and cleave unto you.

I'm not asking you to cleave.

I'll write the ceremony myself.

Dearly beloved, you're hitched.

Sandy, I'm offering you security.

I appreciate it, Ralph.

But right now, I don't know.

I just don't think I know.

You don't think? That means you're undecided. You're not sure.

Aha! Well then, fair damsel.

I shall continue wooing you and courting you. I shall sing for you my song of

love, even as the dove sings sweetly to his mate.

What say you, fair maiden?

Bug off, Ralph.

You know, you're beautiful when you're rude.

Was it something I said?

No.

It's something I took.

A sleeping pill.

Ah.

Well, well, well.

Watch out, Ralph.

This could turn into a statutory dream.

Think about it, will you?

Can I think about it tomorrow, Rhett?

I mean it, Ralph.

Oh, fiddly knees, Scarlett.

Hey, Isaac, the usual.

Help.

Hey, Linda, what are you doing?

Letting things happen.

Yeah? But what's happening?

Nothing. Me neither.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

A Fonz Fizz, please.

Say what?

A Fonz Fizz.

Don't you know what that is?

Don't tell me. Let me guess.

You take a warm bottle of beer, you shake it up, and just as it gets ready

to foam, you go...

Wrong.

One Shirley Temple coming up.

Ralph, could I talk to you, man to person?

Sure. What's on your mind?

If you were ten years younger, would you play doctor with me?

No, you wouldn't. I can tell.

See, that's my problem. Neither would anyone else. Here you go, sexy.

What is it that appeals to you about a girl?

I mean, I know I haven't got it, but if I could get it, what would it be?

Linda, you've already got the most important thing.

Honesty.

All that other stuff is window dressing.

That's the part I want to know about.

Well, why don't you ask Donna?

She doesn't do windows.

Uh-huh.

All right, I'll tell you what.

You go to the beauty parlor tomorrow, and you get yourself the works.

Well, consider it a present from your Uncle Ralph.

You're not my Uncle Ralph.

Besides, my mom says never to take gifts from strange men.

What? Me, strange? The man who gave you a glorious, fun-filled day in Puerto

Vallarta? And who also gave you the very last sip of his guacamole milkshake?

Huh?

Okay. Thanks, Ralph.

Uncle Ralph.

Linda, what did you do?

I just got my hair done for the dance tonight. Cost a fortune.

They must have charged by the inch.

Well, they did just what I told them to. Don't you like it?

And what have you got on your eyes?

Eyelashes.

They're supposed to make me look like Liza Minnelli.

They make you look like Spider Woman.

I tried so hard.

That gopher's never gonna look at me.

It's okay. Come on.

I'll take care of you.

Just leave everything to your fairy god sister.

Okay? Yeah. Good.

Hey, Munchkin, look at you with your bad self.

You better watch out or some Hollywood producer's gonna ask you to audition.

Well, what do you think, Oprah?

Do I look different?

Older?

You look nice.

Look closer.

Closer.

Any closer and he'll bite your nose off.

Look, Linda, you're a nice kid. You really are.

But you're just a kid.

Well, then, could you at least dance with me?

Come on, sweetheart.

Make it again, Sam.

Right on, Fernando.

Like this.

Hey.

Would you like a drink?

No, thanks, Isaac.

Well, here we are, alone again.

Come on, Donna, buy a drink.

We can be alone together.

Fine.

Isaac, give us a couple of the drinks of the day.

Captain,

do I look tired, run down, overworked? What are you after, the night off?

Yeah, it's important.

All right, Miss Summers.

You're dismissed.

Aye, aye, Captain.

Never mind. I'm reporting back for duty.

That was quick.

I should have known.

Once a honeybee, always a honeybee.

Come on, let's dance.

Sandy, I've been looking all over for you.

Down there?

Why'd you come out of your cabin route? Coming out for air?

What are you talking about?

You and your friend must have gone through at least three bottles of suntan

lotion.

Uh, you sauce.

Surprised you didn't squirt out of each other's arms.

Sandy, believe me, rubbing elbows is as coarse as we got.

Really? Really.

Well, uh, don't tell me you care.

What would you do if I did?

you get off work now oh that's great come on we'll have a big night we'll go

dinner dancing a movie maybe even bingo whoa ralph i don't like big nights i

like little nights you know relaxing putting your feet up no people around

maybe a candlelit dinner no no no sandy i i'm not that kind of fella

i mean a dinner like that could lead to breakfast

Even if it did, Ralph, I'd never lose respect for you.

Oh, you're wonderful.

Later, Ralph.

Do that again, will you, Isaac?

Hey, Doc, that's number nine.

It's my liver.

You got it.

The usual, Isaac. You make it strong.

How do you make ginger ale strong?

To hold the ice.

Hi. Hello.

Did you know the Pacific is full of sardines?

I hate sardines.

Oh, so do I.

How do you feel about Haddock?

Buy me a drink and I'll tell you.

Are you waiting for anyone special?

No.

I was.

Oh? But a funny thing happened on the way to Mazatlan.

I found out he's hung up on another girl.

Oh, that'll put a damper on a relationship every time.

I should have been suspicious when he invited me for a drink and I said, my

cabin or yours? And he said, how about the dining room?

I mean, he's the only guy I've ever been out with who didn't lunge at me after

the first five minutes.

Well, don't let me spoil your record.

Livingstone, you're a doctor.

You really think psychologists should sleep with their patients?

Only if they're in scream therapy, doctor.

I'd better get a breath of air.

Claustrophobics should never be in tight places.

This place isn't tight.

No, but I am.

Let's go up and see what's happening on today. No, no, no, we can't go yet.

Amy's about to come up.

I am not going to sit through this show again. You're the one that's hung up on

the little lady, not me.

I am not hung up.

I find her a very interesting psychological study, that's all.

I mean, have you ever wondered why stand-up comics stand up?

Why don't they sit down? Be a lot more comfortable.

Really, Berkeley.

You wouldn't care if she did her act, but I'd fall out on the floor.

Hey, that's not a bad idea.

A lie-down comic.

Oh, you're nothing but talk, Berkeley. Full of talk.

Oh, yeah?

Nobody calls me talk and gets away with it.

They're playing a drum roll.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I would like to introduce to you someone whose career has skyrocketed steadily

downward.

TV shows. What's My Game, Celebrity Washout, and Guess My Weight.

So ladies and gentlemen, it's with great trepidation that we present Amy

Mitchell.

Aw, thank you, Sandy.

Isn't she refreshing?

So unusual these days to find someone who isn't having an affair.

Is there anyone here who isn't having an affair?

Come on, raise your hands.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.

Now's your chance. Raise your hand.

I have had an affair.

Now you're being picky.

You wanted to notice your run.

Would you shut up, Livingstone?

Let's face it. My body only appeals to a limited crowd.

A lot of men don't like abstract architecture.

Her body is not so bad.

So why don't you tell her?

Would you shut up, Livingstone?

abstract architecture.

Oh, come on, sir. Don't be shy. You chicken. Does your wife like it?

Chicken? Me?

Chicken? I mean, a lot of people don't like it. You mean, like, like that kind

of chicken?

Uh, excuse me, sir. Are you laying an egg down there, sir?

Class of the lady.

Go with your feelings.

Shh.

Uh, come on. Don't be shy. We would like to hear.

Uh, say the first thing that comes to your head.

There is nothing wrong with your body.

But there is something wrong with your head.

You got talent. Why don't you use it?

Uh, excuse me. Are you a Hollywood producer?

No. Oh, then I don't have to listen to you.

Yeah, you better listen to me because I am a doctor and I know what I'm talking

about. You're standing out there all alone putting yourself away.

Oh, not tonight. I've got you to help.

You call this comedy?

Oh, what do you call it?

Depressing.

Wait a minute, fella.

You've got a great body.

And you're sexy.

And you're warm.

And you're witty. And you're intelligent.

If you weren't so stupid, you'd know it.

Hey, Jim, sit down. You're making a fool of yourself.

I don't want to sit down. I'm in perfect control.

And I have one more thing to say to you, young lady.

have the audience at my feet, but what do you do when a doctor passes out?

Is there a nurse in my house?

Hi.

It's Dr.

Jim Berkley.

Jim, from last night, remember?

Now, wait a minute. I have to talk to you. I have never heckled anybody in my

whole life before.

No kidding.

You really have an act for it.

What time is it?

It's, uh... 6.30.

Felt so bad, I couldn't sleep.

Look, fella, the last thing I need at 6.30 in the morning is a heckler who

makes house calls.

Now, listen, I am trying to apologize.

So do it.

I apologize.

I accept.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Uh, you going to shore?

No, I'm going to dress. I've just been in the sauna trying to lose some extra

pounds. Oh.

Any luck?

No, but I'm three inches shorter.

Look, I really am sorry about last night.

Am I forgiven?

Sure. I've been in show business long enough to accept a bad review.

I've been...

Trying to get to know you the whole trip, but I didn't know how to approach

you. Well, you certainly found a unique way.

I guess I overcompensated for my anxieties.

What are you, a shrink or something?

A psychologist.

Do me a favor.

Skip the job. It gives me pain.

All right.

Let's just forget about last night and start fresh, huh?

Great idea.

I'm Amy Mitchell.

Jim Berkley.

Charmed, I'm sure.

I'm sure.

Would you like to sit down?

I knew a psychologist once in college.

We went together for a few months until my friend told me the terrible truth.

Oh, he was dating your roommate.

Worse. He was using our relationship for his master's thesis.

Shocking.

You know, you're kind of cute in a neurotic sort of way.

Thanks. I like you too.

Okay.

I really want to know, what's wrong with my act?

You sure?

Give it to me straight.

Okay.

Simply stated, you've programmed yourself to accept only negative

feedback so that your ego is clouded by destructive self-criticism.

Yeah, and besides that, my horizontal fine-tune needs adjusting.

Can't you just talk regular English?

You're an attractive woman, Amy, but when you're on stage, you deny it.

Come on. I didn't compare myself to the Titanic once.

Give me credit for that.

Amy, put-down jokes aren't your style.

Joan Rivers does it better.

You're heckling me again.

Don't get defensive.

Why not? You're hating me where I live.

You asked for my opinion. Listen, my act is okay.

Amy, I've watched you perform every night since I've been on this ship, and

believe me, your act is not okay.

I would have... been on the gong show last month only i got bumped for a bunch

of dancing parakeets would you shut up and listen underneath that self

-deprecating shell of yours is the real amy mitchell and she's crying to get out

and you'd be much more successful if you'd let her what do you know about the

real amy mitchell suppose i told you that the real jim berkeley would be much

more successful without a mustache what's wrong with my mustache it makes

you look sinister

Oh, now, you see? You see? That is a typical Freudian reaction.

I threatened your ego, therefore you must take revenge by threatening my

mustache. Do you know what's wrong with you?

You think like a shrink.

Well, you know what's wrong with you?

You... Amy?

Thank you.

I have a tremendous urge to bite your hand.

Amy? Who else could be off that cuff witty?

I'm sorry. I was expecting the maid with some fresh towels. Matter of fact,

that's all I've got on.

Oh, that's okay. You don't have to change towels for me.

Can I come in?

You sure you want to?

I don't carry grudges.

All right.

Women have killed for a glimpse of this.

I thought you liked to sleep late.

Who can sleep when the real Amy Mitchell is about to come out?

Listen, I thought about what you said.

And when you're right, you're right.

I'm going to change my act.

Oh, and you came here to thank me?

No, not yet. Wait till I'm a star.

Then I'll thank you.

No, I came here because Sandy told me you had the ship's tape recorder.

Oh, yeah.

I'll let you have it on one condition.

Oh, I don't trade my body for small favors.

Large favors, I'm not sure.

Nobody's ever offered.

Something wrong with your face?

No, my nose itches.

Hey, meet me for a drink in 15 minutes.

You haven't even had breakfast.

Yeah, I'll throw an egg in my gin fizz.

Look, we may as well admit we like each other.

Fighting is a form of touching, you know.

Oh, in that case, this must be love.

Apprentice lounge?

Fifty minutes? Yeah. Did I, Amy?

I thought about what you said, too.

You ready?

Ta-da!

Yeah, I like it that way.

Half and half.

In a minute.

Hi, there.

How are you?

When I was five, I'd march to a different saxophonist.

And when we'd play house, I always wanted to be the termite man.

Do you realize if I followed my childhood ambition, I could be making

big bucks in pest control.

You know, this is the first time my life story ever turned anybody on.

Why don't we finish this act at my place?

You have to rehearse your act or something?

Great idea.

I'll do a matinee for you in my cabin.

I'd like to. I honestly would. But I've got to do a speech tomorrow

on compulsion neuroses. And I really have to rehearse.

All day?

Yeah, and most of the night.

Most of the night?

Oh, no.

You're upset.

Oh, me?

I've got my own act to rehearse.

Tomorrow night, I try out my new stuff.

Maybe I'll build myself as Amy Mitchell, too.

As in Godfather, too.

As entertainment, too.

Then again, maybe I won't.

Some other time, okay?

Sure.

It's really a bummer, Sandy.

I mean, Jim's a psychologist, right?

So I figure he must know something I don't.

So I change my act. I change my attitude.

I get all this new self-confidence.

And what happens?

He dumps me.

What am I doing wrong?

For one thing, you're up here talking to me. You should be down in a nice, quiet,

intimate room talking to him.

That's it.

I'll lock him in my cabin, then he'll have to listen to me.

Oh, Sandy, I owe you one.

I'll put it on your tab.

Sandy, you seem like you're in a happy mood this morning.

I guess I am.

Sandy, you and Ralph didn't finally... Let's just say we had a very long date.

Oh, Sandy, you're going to make such a beautiful bride.

It should be a simple wedding.

Lots of organdy, lots of flowers, a lot of crying.

Oh, and one thing.

Don't throw the bouquet.

Just hand it to me.

What do you want a bouquet for?

What about your career? I thought you wanted to be a star.

Oh, yeah. A marriage star.

Go glue your eyelashes on.

I'm going to be in my cabin all evening, hooking a rug.

Please stop by, okay?

Jim, this is God.

Do what she says, or I'll strike you with a bolt of lightning.

Jim? Yes?

Hi. You got my message?

Yeah.

Nice cabin.

I like your bedspread.

Mine's purple.

Oh, no one's here can't sleep.

Oh, thank you.

Would you like a drink?

Yes. Straight will be fine.

Straight what?

Straight anything.

You feel better?

A little.

Okay, now that you're relaxed, I just would like to know something. I mean,

everything was going so great. I mean, what did I do to turn you off?

Oh, nothing. You were perfect.

I came on too strong?

No, it's not your fault.

It's something I said. I mean, it's not like... I'll take it back.

Amy, you're not listening.

It's my problem.

Well... Okay, I'm going to share.

What is it?

No, I can't talk about it.

I've yet to meet an actual adult, but we're reasonable facsimiles.

No, facsimiles. We should be able to talk about anything.

Right, right.

Tell me, how do you feel about industrial waste?

I won't force it.

But if you're gay, there's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not gay.

Married? No. Then what is it?

I've read Jacqueline Suzanne.

How about Hemingway?

How about him?

Did you read The Sun Also Rises?

Oh, yeah, in high school. I was so naive that I had to ask the teacher what the

guy's problem was.

Were you in a war?

Marriage. Same thing.

My wife left me for her insurance agent.

That's one policy I hope you canceled.

Sorry, nervous reaction.

When did it happen?

Oh, almost a year ago.

No wonder you've been drinking.

Now, look, there's no sense starting something that's going to end up in

mutual frustration.

Oh, no, Jim, Jim, you're one of the sexiest men I ever met.

Oh, no, I'm not.

Also one of the most argumentative.

Look, I can't guarantee anything.

Well, who's asking for guarantees?

What are we dealing with here, a refrigerator?

Look, you know, despite all the work you psychologists are doing, I mean, life is

not yet a science. I mean, I really think you're a great guy.

And whatever happens, or...

It doesn't happen. I still think you're a great guy.

It may take a while.

I'm in no hurry.

I've got a lot of time.

What about your show?

Oh, it's my last night. Let him find me.

Oh, one last request.

What? No heckling.

No.

No heckling.

that we should get married, and all the reasons that we shouldn't.

And, uh, what did you come up with?

This.

A laundry list?

It's a ledger!

You're an accountant, don't you recognize it?

Two columns.

Pros here, cons here.

All the reasons why we should get married on this side, all the reasons

why we shouldn't on the left.

Well, the pros win, 18 to 3.

That means... That means...

If you have to sit down and make out a ledger of whether or not to get married,

something's wrong.

That's what I thought.

The answer's no, isn't it?

I want you to understand.

I'm not saying no to you.

I know you love me.

I'm saying no to marriage.

Do you understand?

Well, if I don't, I guess I should.

Well, we still have the rest of the night together.

I'm trying to figure out if that's a pro or a con.

Made arrangements to take the noon flight to Kennedy. They'll get me into

Manhattan in time for the Brooks meeting. Then a shuttle flight to

Washington. That's in time for the Schreiber conference. And by the way,

your mother's keeping the kids.

If you're coming with me.

Always said you were good at arranging things.

And I'll finally get to be a June bride.

I'm going to wear white.

Well, half white.

You won't see, Doug.

I'm sure you know what you're doing. After waiting 22 years?

He knows what he's doing.

None of my dad's marrying your mom. What does that make us?

Makes me hysterically happy. Now she'll move out of my apartment.

I hate these short goodbyes. So do I.

Goodbye, Sandy. See you at tax time.

Maybe. Maybe?

You go to another tax man, I'll knock your H&R Block off.

Eh, go play with your W-2.

Hey.

that negative thinking you're right from now on i'm gonna think positive right i

gotta get on that ship or leave without me

i'll see you in l

.a when i get back of course you will yeah of course i will

So long, girl.

Gopher.

You know, Gopher, I've been thinking about our relationship.

Oh, you have? Yeah.

And in four short years, I'll be 17 and you'll be 26.

Linda, that's not that close.

You can't even drink beer then. I could be an alcoholic.

Okay, when you're 77, I'll be 68.

Now that's perfect, because I know older men like younger women.

A younger woman is not three years into Medicare.

Oh, well.

Okay, then.

Considering we're practically contemporaries, can I kiss you goodbye?

Under the circumstances, yes.

Now what do we do for an encore?

I'll come back in five years and show you.

Is that nice?

I mean, here you guys are supposed to be my superior officers.

Thank you.