Original subtitles

All visitors should go ashore by the gangway located on the port side of the

promenade deck. We sail in 15 minutes.

All hands to stations at 5-2, Mr. Martin.

Stand by to engage management.

Aye, sir.

Can't you hurry up, Donald? We're going to miss the boat.

Monica, you and I missed the boat a long time ago.

Let's see.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 13.

27, 28, 29, 30, 31. Okay, that's your luggage. Now, where's mine?

Go now, Delora.

Don't look back.

I want to remember this moment.

Oh, Adam.

You're so romantic.

Are you taking the cruise, too? I have to. I'm the ship's doctor. Are you?

I bet you have a nice, warm, desert go.

And, Mazda, sell Gatsby Industries.

I don't like the looks of that P&L statement. All the way the price of it's

up.

shaking and squeezing.

Shut up, Jerry.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Jerry Landers, the cruise director. They told me I could

find him here. I'm him.

You're her.

Trust me. I'm Jerry Landers, the cruise director.

And you're Mr.? Clifford Banks, Great Pacific Life Insurance.

Oh, yes, the convention. Are all your people on board?

All except one, and I'm going crazy. You've got to hold the ship.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, sir. We never... It's Stan Nichol.

I know he's doing this to me on purpose.

I'd fire him tomorrow, but he's due for a vacation.

What are you going to make it, huh, Cliffy?

Where have you been?

Ah, we sang about it, Jay and Susie, Gloria.

A couple others whose names I can never remember.

Jerry, huh? Excuse me.

All present and accounted for, Landis.

Ship can leave now.

I'll tell the captain.

What? What?

You're on a pleasure cruise, sweetheart.

Take off the month on it.

Abandon yourself.

Yes.

Great. More. Come on. Come on. Let's have... Yeah.

Let's get a shot over here by the radar.

That's a girl. Good afternoon.

I don't know who you are, but I'm Thomas Allen, the captain of the Sun Princess,

and I think you've got the wrong cabin. We just want to get a few pictures from

your bridge.

Your cruise director gave us the go-ahead. Well, I'm giving you the go

below. No one comes up here unless I invite them. I'm afraid you'll have to

go. I'll be away in a second, sir. But first, how about a picture with the

captain, sweetheart? Absolutely not. Yeah.

That's it. Hold it now. Breathe.

Yeah. Get Terry Landers up here.

Yes, there is a cocktail party tonight, right?

Yes,

in the Union Jack.

You're embarrassing.

Nobody else is listening like that in the gang.

Listen, for what cost did he get on this cruise? They should have carried me off

the gang.

Carrie Landers, the cruise director. Well, hello, we're Mr. and Mrs.

Havlicek. Oh, yes, the Muncie, Indiana Havlicek. Yeah, right, I'm George, this

is Iris, and this is Mikey.

That's my daughter Juanita over there.

Oh, well, will you take a look at that? She's already got a guy in the house.

George!

Um, we're in the Acapulco suite.

I heard that, um, that that's the suite that Jackie will use.

It is?

Isn't this a celebrity suite? They said this is the best one you have.

It better be for 450 bucks a day.

Oh, yes. The Duke of Windsor never complained.

Hey, okay, Duchess, huh?

Oh,

Miss Landry, I'd like to talk privately with you about the young eligible man on

board. Oh, no, no, not for me.

This is for my daughter.

I understand perfectly, Mrs. Havlicek. Now, there are three... Will the cruise

director report to the captain?

That's you.

Jerry, they're playing your song. Yes, and I wish I were tone deaf.

Gopher.

Gopher, will you please help Mr. and Mrs. Havlicek back in a flash?

Gopher, would you take care of Miss McKenzie, please?

Of course.

Okay, I'll have to take care of this alphabetically.

Good, just so long as we're first.

Of course. Right this way, please.

We're in the Acapulco suite. I'm sure you are.

I love it.

See you later, Mr.

Acapulco suite.

Iris. Come along, George. You know, you always get indigestion from anything

that's over itself.

Very good,

Mr. Martin. Pipe all hands. Prepare to get underway. Yes, sir.

Jerry Landers reporting, Captain.

Ah, Miss Landers.

Did you give that 8x10 glossy and that unwashed friend of hers permission to

take pictures around my binnacle?

No, sir. I told them I would ask your permission once we got underway.

Permission denied. This is the bridge, not a pinup palace.

I'm sorry, Captain Allenford. I was just trying to keep the passengers happy.

Which is what I get paid for.

This may be my first passenger cruise, Miss Landers, but an old hand like you

should know better.

I suggest you keep your passengers occupied somewhere else.

Dismissed.

I'm sorry. I thought I was still in the Navy.

Permission to leave the bridge, sir?

Of course.

Not a very good beginning, Miss Landers, is it?

Maybe we'll grow on each other.

Like barnacles.

Sorry, sir. We're ready to, uh, depart. Your secretary will have to leave.

In a minute. I want to make sure that Phillips gets a copy of... Well, we have

to remove the gangway, sir. It's quite all right. I've trained her to take long

leaps.

I'm sure you have, but, uh, can she swim?

Just make sure that Phillips gets that revised contract to Jameson, all right?

And I'll call you ship to shore nine o'clock every morning your time. Drive

this way, please.

Helps to James Williams.

Helps to James Williams.

Please report to the person's lobby.

Mr. Kanan, right this way. This man will take good care of you. See you later.

Andrew. Yes. Andrew Kanan.

Yes. I'm Jerry.

Jerry Landers.

Nancy Thornton's roommate?

Sure. Well, you were the stewardess who was always out of town. I remember you.

Yeah. Now I'm a cruise director and I'm still out of town.

How is Nancy?

Married. Twice.

How about you?

No. Not even once.

Well, maybe your luck will change. Anything can happen on a love boat.

People do the strangest things at sea.

Do they learn to walk on water?

What happened to your foot?

My doctor told me I was working too hard. I had to take a rest. So I went

skiing. Now I've got to take a cruise to rest up from the skiing.

I do terrific when I work. I get killed when I rest.

Well, not on this cruise.

You are going to rest happy and well-fed.

And I'm ordering you to enjoy it. This is your captain.

The Sun Princess is about to get underway.

Don't we ask?

This is your captain.

An open buffet will be served until 10 p.m. in the Continental Dining Room.

The chef recommends the shrimp.

But what does he know?

Jerry, trouble on Capri Deck. There's a pesky kid taking pot shots at passengers

with a pea shooter.

Where's your mother?

Over there.

Excuse me. Does this little guy belong to you?

Arnold. Oh, Arnold. Oh, my Lord. I hope he hasn't caused you any trouble.

No, no. I'm used to kids.

I'm a teacher.

Oh. Well, I can't get used to him, and I'm his mother.

Well, maybe his father.

That bum, he couldn't get used to either of us. He went to Reno.

Hi. I'm your cruise director, and I'm looking for the owner of a late model

pea shooter.

Oh.

I guess I found him. Are you Rita Merritt? I was. I was before I got on

this ship. I'm sorry about Arnold.

I'll get him out of the bathroom.

No, no, no, don't worry. There's no rush.

Yes, there is. I have to get back in there.

Maybe I should send for Dr. O'Neill. Oh, good. While you're at it, maybe you

could send for my luggage. I found my cabin, but my suitcases didn't. That's

odd. It's usually the passengers who get lost. I'm sorry. I'll check on it right

away. Ellen Carmichael, 36C.

And that's my room number, not my bra size.

Good evening.

You're a little late for office hours, aren't you? Oh, yes. I was just paying a

house call on Arnold's mother.

Oh, how is she?

Terrific.

She's already back on her feet.

Oh, I'm sure you'll find a way to take care of that.

Now, we in life insurance don't just sell.

We inform.

We put people's mind at ease.

We tell them they are going to die.

Now, most people don't want to hear that. Now, that's where salesmanship

comes in.

Now, what is salesmanship?

Is it charm? No.

Is it personality?

No.

Salesmanship is persistence.

Now, a salesman with persistence.

Never gives up. No matter how many times someone says no.

Stanley. Stan.

Let's remember the successful salesman's motto.

Winners never quit. And quitters never win.

Now, the key to a sale.

La cucaracha está en casa.

Clifford, you're so neat, no self-respecting cockroach will be caught

dead in your... Está en casa.

Make fun if you will, Stan, but it is a sign of respect to speak to the people

in their native tongue.

Oh, yeah, well, you and the Spanish-speaking cockroach should get

along just fine, eh?

What's the point?

How could you understand culture?

You don't even understand about clothes hangers.

Clifford, I am not in the mood for household hints. I have something

beautiful on my mind.

That girl, I suppose.

The one who so blatantly interrupted my sales meeting this afternoon?

How did you know that I was thinking about a girl?

That's all you ever think about is girls, Stan. Any girls.

The steno pool, usherettes, even meter maids. That's all you care about is

girls. A different girl every night. You don't care about insurance.

Clifford, I sell more insurance than anybody in that office. Yes, but you

don't care about it.

You don't even care about being tidy.

The hell's angels ravage a town, and it looks nicer than that.

Look, I didn't ask to be your roommate. I mean, who would ask for a man with an

earphone in one hand and a dust cloth in the other? I know. Rooming together was

my idea. I hoped that maybe my influence would rub off on you.

Look, Clifford, you live in sight, saran wrap.

From you, nothing could rub off. I'm talking about attitude, Stan. You have a

very negative attitude.

Right. Especially about a roommate who re-rolls toilet paper to make it tidier.

Now, Stan, this is serious.

Stan, I'm not talking as your friend now. I'm talking as your sales manager.

Clifford, the only reason you're sales manager is because you're the only guy

with handwriting small enough to fit into those dumb sales report forms.

I'm taking a shower.

You're ignoring me.

Want to see ignoring, Clifford? I'll show you ignoring.

I'm ignoring you on my own time.

Conference is over, Mr. Sales Manager.

Hey, what do I need life insurance for? I don't have a life.

Is she sitting in your seat or something?

No, I thought that I knew her.

I thought I knew all of you. You look exactly like these three other people I

know. It's amazing.

You know, they say everybody has a twin, and you could... See ya.

Oh, I'd ask you to waltz, but I haven't got time.

Jerry, what a coincidence.

Why do I need a cruise director?

Her name's Binaka.

She's a very famous model.

Binaka? She's had a picture on all of the covers of all fashion magazines.

That's where I've seen her, at the newsstand.

The guy on the right is her photographer, and the guy on the left is

her mother. She was on the covers of these two different magazines. I fell in

love with both of her.

No, no, her name's Benaka.

She's real and she's rich and she's famous.

Why can't she be a Miss Nobody like all my other girls?

Hey, what am I talking about?

I'm a man and she's a woman. I mean, Adam turned Eve on and all he had was a

fig leaf.

Sam,

I've decided to forgive you.

For what?

For the way you talk to me, your negative attitudes, everything.

In fact, I'm going to let you run the slide projector tomorrow.

Clifford. Clifford, I hate running the slide projector.

I don't want to do it.

I even forgive you for that.

Una.

Rich.

Dos.

Beautiful.

Tres.

Famous. Cuatro.

Gorgeous.

Great. Now, more teeth.

Maybe a little less teeth there.

That's it. Okay, now, tilt your nose.

Okay, now, laugh.

Yeah, more.

Come on. Yeah.

Oh, hey, man, you're in my shot.

Your shot? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to block your shot.

Excuse me, sir, but wouldn't you rather have a plate?

Obanaka. Your laugh makes the hair on my arms tingle.

Love it.

Love it. She loves it. She loves it. If you love that, you should see me at

dinner. I mean, have dinner with me.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Wipe it off. Here. It'll come off easy. Believe

me. Please.

I can be funny at dinner, too. I'll sit in the soup for you.

Hey, man.

You got a problem with the knocker.

I mean, everybody's tried it. But nobody's ever made it.

Oh, yeah, fellow. Well, I haven't tried it. Don't.

Mama's groomed the kid to be a model ever since she was old enough to say

cheese. And nobody messes around with Mama's little gold mines.

Oh, yeah, well, Mama better watch out because Stan Nichols is about to stake

his claim.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're sorry. I'm sorry. It's like cocaine. It blends

right in. Sorry.

You've done enough. Sorry. Please. Look, I'm sorry.

Now, table three here shows the relation between age and life expectancy.

Now, here we have the latest actuarial figures on people over 90 with severe

illness.

Not very promising.

That's why the Home Office has asked us not to sell these people policies.

However, there is one good thing about it. These people are considered good

risks for fire insurance, that they don't do very much smoking in bed.

Now on this next slide

I think we're about to lose the light. Okay, why don't we stay here for the

next setup? Listen, honey, you want to get into that red velvet laser outfit,

huh? Okay.

Attention, please.

The first meeting for dinner will be in five minutes.

Tanaka!

Tanaka, my name is Stan Nichols. I have something very important to say. If you

don't listen, I'm going to jump.

Look, I know you're a big, famous model, and I'm just an insurance salesman.

Clifford says my attitude is all wrong. Well, you don't know who Clifford is,

but he's right.

I mean, would a man with the right attitude be doing this?

I can't help it. I love you.

What does it matter that you're Dee Bonacca and I'm just another Stan

Nichol? All right, so the world is full of Stan Nichols, right?

But listen, I'm the Stan Nichol that really loves you.

Look, I must be alone with you. Ditch your mother. Come to my cabin, 26C.

Say yes or I jump!

Bonacca. Will you come to my cabin tonight at 7.30?

Well, it's about time you made an appearance.

Shut up, Clifford.

Shut up, Clifford!

The man who disappeared in the middle of my slides, who left me snapping my

cricket at some rotten kid, that man has the nerve to explode into this cabin and

say, Shut up, Clifford!

Shut up and get out, Clifford. I want you out of my room. What are you talking

about? Half this room is mine.

Look, I'm expecting company. For the next few hours, your half is in the

corridor. Now, get out.

A woman? You're bringing a woman into our room?

Into my room. Now, get out.

Oh, no. Oh, no, you're not. You're not bringing any strange woman into this

room. She's probably as icky as you are.

very carefully to me. For the next few hours, you can go into somebody else's

cabin, you can sit in a deck chair, you can fall overboard. I don't care. The

only place you can't be is with me. I want you to say, I understand, or your

precious cucarachas are going to that great casa in the sea.

I understand.

Why no?

But I'm warning you, Stan, you're washed up in insurance. You'll never sell

another policy. You won't even be able to buy a policy, not even homeowners

will rent, will live in a tent.

I don't care.

I don't understand it. You're giving up everything for just a romp? This isn't a

romp. This is love, the real thing.

Who the hell cares about insurance?

Clifford, Edward gave up being king of England for the woman he loved.

King of England!

That's bigger than president of Great Pacific Life.

Oh, I don't think so.

Take my word for it.

Goodbye, Clifford.

La muchacha es bonita.

La muchacha está aquí.

Oh,

Spanish lists.

I know a few phrases that we might practice together.

Okay.

Love it.

Oh, I love you.

I really love you.

Love it.

I know that.

We've been together for hours.

All you've said is love it.

Love it?

Yes. That's very flattering, but there's more to relationship than just it.

I gave up everything just to be here with you.

I want to know about you.

How you think, what you feel.

Please, for God's sake, Spinaka, talk to me.

Oh, Stan, I love you too.

I love you because you love me for me.

The real me.

Not just a beautiful me.

Oh, I've never been so happy in all my life. I could eat a whole box of

chocolate bars with nuts.

Chocolate with nuts?

for me to teach you.

Tell Mike, before he prints up tomorrow's daily activities bulletin, to

take a look at 2 o'clock where it says horse racing in the casino. There should

be an essence horse.

Unless he knows something we don't.

Hi, Jerry.

Remember me and my lost luggage? Yeah, I'm sorry, Ellen. We're searching the

ship for it. I hope you won't let this spoil your fun.

Well, I did come here for a rest, but I'd much rather do it in my clothes.

Right. What's the latest on Miss Carmichael's luggage?

It's missing.

It's so hard to get good help nowadays.

Gopher, Miss Carmichael's luggage is top priority.

We have to find it. Oh, yes, ma'am.

Where did you get a name like Gopher?

Oh, I go for this and go for that.

Do me a favor and go for my luggage.

Thanks.

Why haven't we met?

Because I haven't been sick.

I don't think she likes me.

How are you doing with the old man of the sea?

We respect each other from a distance.

Be gentle with him, Jerry. He spent 20 years on a destroyer. He's not used to

sailing without guns.

Maybe we can get the Mexican fleet to attack.

We won't need the Mexican fleet. We've got Arnold.

Hey, Arnold.

Music appreciation is over.

Where's your mother?

Growing up again.

So would I if I had a kid like you.

You should feel sorry for me. I come from a broken home.

Okay, Arnold.

I understand.

How do you do that?

Very carefully.

Okay, Arnold. From now on, I am your Auntie Jerry.

And you and I have a very full schedule. Tonight is ping pong, dinner...

And the movies.

I don't like the movies.

I like to play the drums.

And if you don't let me play the drums, I'm going to jump overboard.

Oh, no, Arnold, you can't do that. Why not?

It's not on your schedule.

Down the border.

Down Mexico way.

Damn it, I cut my face again. George, not so loud. There are people next door.

You know it is impossible to shave on a ship.

No wonder sailors wear beards.

George, stop diddling and start dressing. I don't want to be late for

dinner. Iris, do you realize that we've been on this ship for three days and

have had 17 meals?

I could build an outhouse with all the toothpicks I've used. Well, you don't

have to eat everything that's put on in front of you. There's nothing else to do

on this ship but eat, Iris. Oh, there's plenty to do. There's swimming, dancing,

shuffleboarders, even gambling.

Yeah, yeah, gambling.

Gambling is a bunch of guys sitting around in overalls playing five-card

stud. But on this ship, it's the overalls that are studded, and the guys

all wear frilled shirts.

Eh, nice and warm.

George, this isn't Muncie, Indiana.

We're running with the elite.

One man I talked to has his very own oil well.

Ten years ago, when we had nothing and you were slaving in the foundry, I used

to lie awake nights.

Night after night, I was longing to meet some guy with his very own oil well.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you what, Iris.

I'll go out and buy you an oil well.

And then you can get some sleep, huh?

Well, let's face it, George.

We have arrived.

We are two of the beautiful people.

Yeah.

You bet your Acapulco suite we are.

South of the border.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dave.

Tell me everything.

Did you have a good time with Richard?

Super. You went swimming in that?

Was anyone looking?

I hope so.

I could draw that on you with a marking pencil.

You should be arrested for indecent exposure.

Don't listen to your father, Juanita. When you're trying to land a rich

husband, you gotta show your assets.

Mom, I'm not trying to land a rich husband.

Well, you should be. I'm not getting any younger. Why do you think we took this

trip? Huh? Let's face it. Young, attractive millionaires aren't exactly

flocking to Muncie.

Oh, Mother.

Go ahead and get changed. We don't want to keep Richard waiting.

Why do we have to have dinner with him anyway?

Well, it was my idea.

Richard Garrett III may very well be your future son-in-law.

Probably just another playboy out for my money.

He doesn't need your money. He's the heir to a soap fortune in Pittsburgh.

Juanita marries him, she may be forever blowing bubbles.

Mom, I don't care about the money.

Juanita, bite your tongue.

I'm looking for a man who's solid, dependable, and he's got both feet on

the ground.

Just like your dear old dad, right, kitten?

That's my girl.

Her old dad's also rich. Don't forget that, George. Richard and I are just

good friends from college. We're not getting married. You bet you're not. At

least not until I haven't checked out.

Look, when I get married, it's going to be because I'm in love and not for any

other reason. So you both better just cool it.

George, you're about as subtle as a moose in heat.

Well, what are you flipping your wig for?

Look, I'm merely trying to protect our daughter against marrying a phony.

Richard Garrett III is not a phony. Well, he better not be, because before

I'm through with that salt prince of yours, we're going to know everything

there is to know about him, including how often he changes his shorts.

Oh,

you're

going to like this Chablis.

It's really great.

At these prices, it should be.

You do like wine.

Oh, yeah.

Next to beer, I like wine.

It was sweet of you to order it, Richard.

Oh, wait. Hold it.

A votre santé.

Yeah. Through the teeth, over the gums. Look out, stomach. Here it comes.

Mmm, delicious.

You really know your grapes, Richard.

I suppose Juanita told you that my husband is an inventor, Richard. His

biggest success was the zip-me-up.

Zip-me-up? Mm-hmm. It's a gadget for women who live alone, you know, who

can't reach their zippers.

Did the idea come to you while you were zipping up Mrs. Havlicek?

No, while I was gutting a catfish.

That invention was the turning point of our lives.

Yes, Mom made Daddy quit the foundry and move uptown.

That's the last time she ever made Irish stew.

You know, old Irish here made the best stew in Indiana.

Well, this is by far your greatest invention.

Yours too, Mrs. Havlicek.

What a sweet thing to say.

Now, look, can we cut out the... Sure, George.

Can you play poker?

Sure. Oh, good. You know, the best way to get to know a guy is over a good

poker game in a six-pack.

Hey, you know, I could go for a beer right now.

And so could I.

You like beer?

Love it.

Yeah?

Listen, I'm a two-case-a-week man myself. How about you?

About the same, give or take a case.

You really do like beer, don't you?

I better. My family also owns a brewery. A brewery?

And soap.

What do you say we give the Garrett beer stocks another boost, huh?

Hey, Stuart!

Stuart, another round over here, please? Another round over here!

This is such a lovely dinner.

Even if George did insist on playing 20 questions.

I hope he liked my answers.

I sure did.

I'll tell you something, Garrett. I guess I had you all wrong.

Yeah? You're not a bad guy.

Kitten? If you want to hang around this guy, it's okay with me.

Thank you, Mr. Havlicek.

Here's to a lot of hanging around.

Okay, what do you say you and I go downstairs and play some poker? Oh,

Daddy, not now.

We want to dance a little bit.

Come on, Richard. It's been great.

Yeah.

Through the teeth and over the gums.

Watch out, stomach. Here it comes.

Got it.

I was saying, Captain, you look like a man who really knows how to navigate.

I'd love to see your equipment.

Well, George.

Well, Iris.

Richard and Juanita certainly do make a perfect couple, don't they? Yeah,

yeah. I guess I was all wet about that guy.

He's okay in my book.

He's tops. He's batting a thousand.

Do you still have a check?

What's this?

That's the bar bill, sir.

$247?

For a beer?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You see, that's also for the special wines you had with

dinner.

What did I tell you, Iris? That beer baron is a bum.

B-U-M.

Juanita.

This sounds crazy.

Let's get off the boat tomorrow.

We'll see Mexico.

And I'll ask Dad to send down the Learjet.

And we'll fly home and meet my folks.

Well, you don't have to go out all that trouble for me.

But you don't understand, Juanita.

I love you.

I don't know what to say.

Well, say yes, Juanita.

Oh, yes, Juanita.

I mean, yes, Juanita.

Harvey, I know it's 3 o'clock in the morning in Muncie, but you're my banker.

You're supposed to serve me. George, keep your voice down. They can hear you

in Muncie without the phone.

You say there's no one named Garrett with a lot of money from Pittsburgh?

Thanks, Harvey.

What did I tell you?

Mr. Super says it's a washout.

Iris, I'm going out and find that soap prince, and I'm going to bust his

bubble. George!

I like that in a man.

You know, I'm glad we could spend some time together.

I really am.

Excuse me. You double-crossing, two-time phony.

My daughter wouldn't marry you if you played tiddlywinks with a Shah of Iran.

He needs his rest.

All passengers who are planning to go ashore better step on it. The last

launch for Puerto Vallarta will depart in ten minutes.

Don't feel bad, kitten.

I was taken in by that swami of six-packs myself.

Boy, that steams me up.

I just want to go home.

I know just how you feel, honey, but we'll see part of a yard and you'll just

forget all about him.

There are plenty of other honorable, attractive young men who won't cheat on

you before you're married. Of course, they're usually poor.

But then there are other things besides money, I think, aren't there? There must

be. Mother, you're not helping.

Come in.

Buongiorno, buongiorno.

Here is your continental breakfast.

From what continent?

Oh, just pour the coffee, Nina.

Oh, si, senor. Oh, wait.

Scusate, senorina. But some good-looking fellow give me $20 to give to you this

note. And he going to give me another $20 if you read it. It would make me so

happy if you could read it.

Would make me so happy if I could find it. Oh, echo.

George.

That's personal.

Go ahead and read it, Mom.

Dear Juan... Dear

Juanita, I really meant

it. Love is time and space measured by the heart. What the hell does that mean?

I'm getting off at Puerto Vallarta.

Maybe I'll see you there. Remember my dead body.

Love always, Richard.

Well, he sure is poetic for a snake.

The weather in front of our house today is a balmy 102 degrees.

Boy, I can't wait to suck up some of that bomb, Iris.

Oh, you had to suck in that gut first.

Well, well, if it isn't the man with the big fist.

Boy, did your folks really blow it last night.

Before Muhammad Ali here belted Richie, he was telling me how much he loves you.

If he loves her, why was he telling you?

I'm almost a member of the family. What do you mean, almost?

I was married to Richie's uncle.

That is one alimony check I shall always cherish.

I call it the whopper.

Well, you can forget about it, sister, because the Pittsburgh Garrets are

broke.

Pittsburgh? You're nuts.

He's from Philadelphia, and they are loaded.

And speaking of loaded, I want you to meet Bud Larson.

He's into gold mines. And broads.

Could you?

Anyone can make a mistake, Kitten. But your father can very easily.

Wait a minute.

Look, uh, you know, parents sometimes forget that we gotta stop running our

kids' lives and let your sinker swim on your own.

So, uh, Kitten, I want you to go out and get this guy, and if it's not too late,

you apologize to him for it.

Good luck, kitten.

Oh, that was beautiful. I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, well, you should be. You know, it takes a big man to admit he was almost

wrong. And God knows you're a big man, George.

Come on, George.

Maybe we can find a restaurant here that makes real good Irish stew.

What are you talking about?

We're not going to find a place that serves Irish stew in Mexico.

Why not?

We have a Mexican restaurant in Muncie.

Isaac, I'm going to be sitting out by the... Somebody bring me a bloody knife.

Right away, Mr. King. Right away.

Fifteen years from now, that's going to be me.

Gopher, what do you want to be like him for?

Because, man, he's really got it all together.

Hey, there's someone else who's got it all together.

Well, not that day. You see, she's like a collarbone. You know, she wants to be.

I know.

Here, here. Hot shot.

Take this to your hero. The other one's for the iceberg.

Oh, thank you. Here you are, Dad.

Passenger Robert Simpson.

Passenger Robert Simpson.

Please come to the purser's office.

Here you are.

Excuse me.

There doesn't seem to be any vodka in this bloody Mary.

Ah, it's because it's all in my Virgin Mary.

Would you rather fight or switch?

It's quite all right build all over you Wall Street Journal.

I shouldn't read the Wall Street Journal anyway without Jones Abbott gives me gas

Another virgin married for the lady right away. Mr. Canaan Sorry,

the name is Andrew.

That's nice.

I See you you missed the land tour to Puerto Vallarta to know I didn't miss

it. I avoided it

It is the in place to be, you know. Well, I try to stay out of the in

places.

Me too.

What are you reading?

Psychology. It's called I'm Okay, You're a Jerk.

I think I'll wait for the movie.

Oh, here. I'll sign for it. No, no, no. Let me. No, I will. Ow! No!

Are you always such a klutz?

Yes, but it's worth it to me.

You want to give it another shot?

No, no, no more tomato juice.

I already look like an attempted suicide.

Here, wait a minute. Let me, I'll get it.

Oh, there you are, Andrew.

Here's your latest cable.

Thank you, Jerry.

Hey, I ordered you not to work on this crew.

Did you ever try to kick a habit of 15 years?

You do it too fast, you get the bets.

Hi, Ellen.

How's the book?

Soggy.

I got some shit to show, work to do.

Jerry, would you save my seat?

Andrew, you be nice to me. I'll save all for you.

Listen, don't let her near that drink.

Looks like you met Andrew.

Couldn't help it. Our glasses kept colliding.

He's a terrific guy, Ellen. You just have to get to know him.

Listen, Jerry, I don't have to do anything on this cruise except take my

seasick pills at sea and my lancic pills on shore.

You're not having a very good time, are you?

Well, it would be a lot more fun if I had some clothes.

Any news about my missing luggage? Look, I promise I will find your luggage. Now,

in the meantime, tonight is Mexican fiesta night. You know, sombrero,

mariachis, all that ole ole stuff.

Good. I'll borrow three tennis balls and go with Pancho Gonzalez.

Better than that.

The ship will lend you a dress.

Don't think we're the same size. Come on, Ellen.

I've been watching you ever since we left L.A. You eat your meals by

yourself, you sit in the sun by yourself, and at night you're in your

stateroom by yourself.

Unless you're hiding a tall, dark stowaway.

He's in my luggage, too.

Listen, Jerry, I'm not eating alone because I want to. The couple at my

table are newlyweds who haven't come out of their stateroom yet.

Hmm, okay.

I'll fix that.

Tonight you eat at a big table with lots of fun people.

What do you say, Ellen?

Well, is the offer for the dress still whole?

Absolutely. Courtesy of the line.

Okay. But to go with it, I'll need stockings.

Oh, no, no, Nino, this must be a mistake.

I'm supposed to be seated at a fun table for eight.

Oh, no, no, no, no, Miss Ellen. It says here you're going to be seated at a fun

table for two.

What a beautiful night.

Muy lousy. So far, the table's been one lap after the other. Why did you seat me

here, Jerry?

Good evening.

That's why.

Sorry I'm late. I was on the phone with my San Diego connection.

Couldn't get him to disconnect.

Hey, look.

I had to tip everybody on this ship from the chief steward to the bilge pumpers

to get this thing.

Hello?

They're not going to send me. I guess I'm stuck with you.

Friends?

Friends.

What do you say we go someplace where we can hear ourselves drink?

Well, anyway, I was getting to be a pretty good skier, so I entered my first

race. Oh? Did you win?

No, but my skis did.

Unfortunately, I wasn't on them.

I ran into a tree.

How do you like my new nose?

It's lovely.

How do you like mine?

What'd you run into?

A fist.

Huh? Yeah, in Korea.

Unfortunately, they don't give purple hearts for ballroom brawls.

Listen, tell me more about your work.

Sounds like a heavy trip teaching deaf children.

Are you kidding? Those kids are wonderful.

You know, sometimes I swear they have antennas. By the time I hear the ice

cream truck, they're already lined up outside with their quarters.

Do you read lips?

Sure, it's part of my training.

Then read mine.

I also read minds.

Look, I really have got to go. You see, this dress is on loan only till

midnight. Then it turns into a plain brown wrapper.

My interview?

No, thanks.

About last night. I'm sorry I ran out on you.

You did leave pretty quickly.

Thought you'd sat at a U-boat or something.

Sliced it.

Hooked, hooked.

Want to try again?

What, running out on you?

Thought we'd have dinner first.

Well, if I go into the dining room wearing this pantsuit one more time,

then I'm taking out the best dress list.

Oh, don't worry about that.

We'll eat my sweet.

Slice it again.

Hook, hook, hook, hook. Here, hot shot, try it.

Come on, come on.

Good.

Now head it a little lower.

Haven't done this in quite a while.

Perfect. Just birdied the Pacific Ocean.

Hi.

Me. I know. I recognize you by the pantsuit.

Go practice your slice.

Hook, hook, hook, hook.

You know what I like about you, sweetie?

You've got three portholes.

I've got one air vent.

Yeah.

Breathe some of this.

So am I.

You are planning on staying a while.

Yes, I'm not going to run out on you again. It's kid stuff.

Besides, we're here to enjoy ourselves.

And when the cruise is over, we're free to walk away with no serious

involvement. No emotional ties?

No regrets.

No guilt trips?

No, just two immature people who take the moments as they come. And then they

shake and say goodbye.

What about dinner?

How would you feel about lamb curry for breakfast?

Just spill champagne all over you.

Did you hear me?

Aren't you going to say anything?

It's okay to drip dry snacks.

Isn't this great?

You know, we're living proof of what we said last night.

That two people can have a mature adult relationship.

Just be loving friends.

Yeah, and get up and walk away with no strings and no shackles. Just a

wonderful internet.

Right. Ellen, I love you.

I love you, too.

So much for a mature adult relationship.

But I can't love you.

What do you mean you can't love me?

Andrew, you're probably the most wonderful man I'll ever meet in my

entire life, but I just can't get involved.

We are involved.

No, you don't understand. We could never make it together.

We just did.

Andrew.

Ellen, hear me out.

All right, we just met a few days ago, and only kids fall in love at first

sight.

But nobody like you ever happened to me before.

Admit it. We were long together.

No, we don't. Believe me. I'm sorry.

Wait a minute.

You can't just run out on me like there's nothing between us.

Ellen, I love you. Please don't love me. It's best for both of us. I'm sorry.

Look at me. I can't go anywhere dressed like this.

Boy, I hate not being able to make a clean exit.

Hi. Find anything lately?

Like a couple of suitcases?

Bluish? My initials on the outside, my whole life on the inside?

Gopher's out looking with orders not to return until he finds them.

Good, because I'm getting off the ship in Acapulco.

Of course you are. We all are.

You don't understand.

I'm not getting back on.

I wouldn't do that.

The steward says they've been locked up for five days. I think they're trying

for the Guinness Book of Records.

Well, they have to come up on deck sometime.

I don't think they have the strength.

Who is it?

Gopher from the purser's office.

Have you got a couple of suitcases you haven't opened up yet?

That's none of your business.

Yes, it is, because if you do, they belong to somebody else. I mean, they

have initials on them. E.C.

Okay, now run that by me one more time, Helen.

You think you're in love with Andrew, and Andrew says he's in love with you.

So why are you going to jump ship in Acapulco?

Because I just have to get away, that's all.

Wait a minute.

It's not the age thing, is it? Of course not. I love mature men. I'm so tired of

dating guys who keep talking about meaningful relationships while they're

trying to rip off your clothes.

Yeah, and that's after you've cooked them a fancy meal and sat through Monday

night football.

Sounds like we've been dating the same guys.

Come in.

I've got your luggage in this car, Michael.

Boy, if it could only talk.

Huh?

Andrew, I'm not supposed to give out arrival and departure secrets, but

Ellen's leaving the croons in Acapulco.

Well, I'm not surprised.

They're like ships that pass in the night. A beautiful new schooner and a

beat-up old barge. She happens to like old barges. Believe me, Andrew, she's in

love with you.

Then why is she leaving? Why are you asking me?

Who is it?

It's them.

Ellen, sit down. I want to talk to you for a minute.

I can listen standing up.

I see you got a new pantsuit.

I'm surprised you recognized me. I could tell by the stain on your lapel.

How did you manage a grass stain aboard ship?

We had broccoli for lunch.

I see you have the spumoni for dessert, too.

Look, did you come here to discuss the food I'm wearing? Ellen, I'm in love

with you.

Andrew, please. I don't have time for that.

I mean, we're going to be in Acapulco in an hour, and I haven't found my

castanets yet.

I don't get it.

I don't understand it. We should be making love, and you're making jokes.

Look, Andrew, when something hurts, I make jokes.

You know, laugh, clown, laugh.

What hurts, Ellen? What hurts? Tell me.

I can't.

All right, then let me guess.

You got a boyfriend back home?

No.

Got a husband back home? No.

Got two husbands back home?

No.

I give up.

Andrew, I'm pregnant.

That's why you ran out on me?

In some circles, that's considered a very good reason.

That's all?

Isn't that enough?

I have been going crazy trying to figure out what it was that I did to turn you

off. Why didn't you tell me?

Because you don't just walk up to somebody and say, Hi, I'm Ellen and I'm

pregnant.

Are you sure?

Women know these things.

Besides, the rabbit croaked.

Does he know?

Yeah, he even offered to pay for the rabbit's funeral.

What a lovely guy.

Yeah, and also a very forgetful one. We went together a year before he

remembered to tell me that he was married.

Glad that's over with.

Do you want the baby?

Yeah, I do.

I thought about abortion, but I love kids.

And especially the one that's inside me. And I just can't destroy a future kid.

He's very lucky to have a mother like you.

Well, we're going all the way together.

Just the two of us.

You got room on that wagon for three?

Hmm?

I want to marry you.

Well, look, Andrew, don't do us any favors. We'll be just fine.

What favors?

Look, suppose you were divorced and had a child.

I just got there a little early, that's all.

Look, Andrew, you don't want to complicate your life with a klutzy wife

and a kid who might grow up just like her. Wait a minute.

Don't tell me what I want. I'll tell you.

I've spent half my life building a business, taking care of it, watching it

grow.

I really wanted to take care of a wife.

Andrew, I hope our child grows up to be just like you.

Sorry, it's definitely a foot.

Ellen?

Andrew, with this ring, I be whipped.

Andrew, with this ring, I be... Ellen,

it's okay, it's okay.

One is all you need, Ellen. Right, Captain?

I don't pronounce you man and wife.

What the devil's going on here?

Here.

Jerry Landers, report to the captain in his quarters on the double.

This is no joke.

There is no cause for alarm.

The malfunction in the electrical system has been righted.

Please go back to doing whatever you were doing.

Come in.

Captain, what's the emergency?

Ah, that was your little monster.

He just set off every fire alarm on board this ship.

Now, I want him locked up until he learns to behave or until we reach home

port, whichever occurs first. Oh, Captain, aren't you being a little

harsh? That's an order, Miss Landers. He's done all the damage he's going to

do on my ship.

But, Captain, he didn't mean any harm.

You just have to understand 11-year-olds.

Look, psychologists say that hormonal changes in pre-teenagers causes erratic,

aggressive behavior, which just has to be channeled in the more positive

direction. Oh, thank you, Dr. Landers.

Your range of human understanding is commendable. However, I wish you'd

extend a little of it to me.

I don't have to understand 11-year-olds. I have to run this ship, and I expect

you to run the passengers, all 735 of them, including Arnold.

You did say that's what you get paid for, didn't you?

I'm sorry, Captain.

It was my fault.

I should have kept an eye on him.

But I promise, you will never know he's on board. Thank you, Miss Landers. You

may go.

Does that mean I'm dismissed?

Captain, if you just soak your shirt in baking soda, that coffee stain will come

right out.

Yeah, sunburn.

You like to fish?

No.

I like to play the drum.

They won't let me.

I like to play bingo when I'm too young.

This trip's yours to drag.

I know what you mean, kid.

Here.

Oh, right there.

Right there. Oh, boy, you've got a lot of nuts back here. I've earned every one

of them. Tough cruise, huh? Tough captain.

I've never known anybody so uptight.

Oh, come on, Jerry. That's an uptight job.

Yeah, but why does he have to take it out on me?

Because you're so adorable.

I don't think he noticed.

He's too busy pointing out my imperfections.

Bitter, very bitter. Sure sign of a woman scorned.

Well, I've got five more days to be adorable.

I think I'll do it in the purser's lobby.

I struck a nerve, huh?

Why don't you stick your thermometer where it'll do the most good?

realize you're the only man in the entire room wearing plaid?

No, I didn't realize it. Thank you for reminding me.

Plaid? They'll think you're the ship's golf ball. You probably haven't noticed,

but I don't play golf.

I know.

You don't do anything but sell dental supplies.

Monica, I sell dental supplies because I'm in the dental supply business.

Only because my daddy set you up in dental supplies when you flunked out of

dental school.

But it's more than a business with you, Donald. It's an obsession.

You don't know anything about the real world, the pain and misery.

The poor Indians.

Would it make you happier if I sold bows and arrows?

I'm sure you'd be just as obsessed with that.

We're going to talk about obsessions, Monica. Let's talk about you and that

menagerie of yours.

Do you mean my pets?

Not pets.

Nine dogs as a pack.

And all those other things.

Birds, fish, rabbits.

All pets.

A snake is not a pet.

I don't have a snake.

Only because the wolf ate it.

Well, I don't spend nearly as much time with my pets as you do with your dental

supplies. You don't even have time for your family.

Jungle land is not my idea of a family.

You know how I feel about bringing children into this pain-filled world.

You know I'm past president of population control.

Yes, we practice the ultimate in population control.

Well, that isn't my fault, Donald. You're too busy, even for that.

A scoozie scoozie. A telephone call, Mr. Richardson.

You can take it to just outside.

Thank you. Busy, busy, busy.

Hello. And this is Donald Richardson. You have a call for me?

Hello.

Oh, hi, angel face.

Yes, I miss you too.

No, I'm not putting it off.

It's just that I have to be very careful about how I tell her.

You remember The Love Machine?

No, not me. The book.

Well, remember the guy in the book? Every time he broke up with a girl, he

would do it in a big dining room where there were lots of people around and she

was too embarrassed to cause a scene?

Yes, well, it does have something to do with us.

Well, divorce is just like breaking up, except with lawyers.

So, we're eating in this big dining room.

And as soon as I get back to the table, I'm going to break the news to her.

I love you too, Angel Price.

Oh.

No, I'm not hurt. That was a hug.

Bye.

Oh, I'm sure that was very important, Donald. Did they finally find a cure for

dental floss?

Monica, I have something to say to you. You're not going to like it.

Monica? Oh, Donald, no.

You don't even know what I'm going to say.

That telephone call. It's about Rocky.

Who the hell's Rocky?

Oh, you know who Rocky is.

He's my raccoon.

Oh, he's dead.

I knew I shouldn't have left him when he had a cold.

Monica, your raccoon is not dead. It's us.

We're dead.

What are you talking about?

My God!

Monica, what are you doing? You've been in there for over an hour.

I'm depressed.

I always shower when I'm depressed.

You'll be a lot more depressed when you see how wrinkled it makes you.

I'm sorry if I embarrassed you in the dining room.

It's just that I wasn't expecting divorce for lunch.

Yes,

well, it was supposed to be a good place to tell you. In front of 300 people? Why

not tell me at the Super Bowl?

Yes, well, I was going to write you a note, Monica, but you know you can't

read my handwriting.

It doesn't matter now.

You want a divorce?

I won't stand in your way.

Not that I could.

California's divorce laws are much too liberal.

Well, you could get a divorce on the grounds I wouldn't give you one.

No, Donald. You're completely free.

How did it feel to be free?

Well, I'm not quite sure.

I mean, I've been married for 15 years. I've only been free since lunch.

That's cute, Donald.

I think that's how I want to remember you.

Cute.

Monica.

Donald, there is one thing.

And I know this is going to sound indelicate, but... Well, we were

married, and so I assume I can speak frankly.

Speak. These last few years haven't exactly been chapters out of the joy of

sex. And since our relationship was what it was, I assume there's been...

Another woman.

Another woman?

Donald, there's always another woman.

Except for the Fergusons, and that was another man.

Hers, not his.

Donald, don't worry. I'm not going to do anything foolish.

I just want to know who she is.

You don't know her.

There. Don't you feel better now?

I do.

So, there is another woman.

That makes me the injured party.

Monica, we're talking about divorce, not whiplash. We are talking about property

settlement. And property laws aren't quite as liberal as the ones for

divorce. In other words, Donald, the injured party, that's me, gets

everything. The house and cars, what's in the house and cars, and then there's

your business.

Monica, it's my business.

My business, D.W. Richardson Incorporated. I am D.W. Richardson.

Only because Monica...

insisted that you incorporate.

Oh, you like that. Mr. Big Shot incorporated.

Well, just don't you forget that Mrs. Big Shot is a principal stockholder.

That was Daddy's idea, too.

Monica, I am sick and tired of hearing about Daddy. He's been dead for seven

years. The way you talk, he's not only alive, he's still writing checks.

That is a very tacky thing to say about the man who gave you everything.

Monica, he is dead.

Even he must realize that by now.

And he didn't give me everything.

He gave me a spot in the business.

I made the business a success.

It's my business.

My lawyers will tell us whose business it is. And I hope this other woman has a

job. Because you are going to need something to live on.

Looking for Pearl Harbor?

It's a shame you never had your own talk show.

Did you get another room?

No, the ship's full.

Well, maybe you can't afford one anyway.

Look, Monica, I think we should talk about the divorce settlement. I mean,

this is ridiculous. You can't have everything.

There are ways, Donald.

Sneaky, conniving, legal ways. Get everything you have and everything you

ever will have.

Look, Monica, that's ridiculous. You can't get blood out of a turnip.

Let's not talk about turnips, Donald. Let's talk about your new friend.

Is she pretty?

Attractive.

I assume she's younger.

What has age got to do with it?

Ah, then she is younger. The middle-aged man and young girl. Oh, it's so on the

nose. Twenty-two isn't that young.

Monica's attorney. It's my job to tell you that her entire estate goes to you.

Donald.

Mrs. Richardson, you shouldn't be swimming alone.

I, um, I have a little fall today, Jerry. The doctor said swimming would

help my back.

Well, be careful. I hate to lose a passenger.

There's so many forms to fill out.

own fault, swimming alone like that. But her poor husband, finding her just

floating,

How's your back? Okay.

The doctor said it was just a slight muscle pull.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Huh? Oh, I don't know. I was just thinking about all the fooling around we

used to do on our honeymoon.

I think the last fooling around we did was on our honeymoon.

No, I mean in the swimming pool. Water fights, holding your head underwater.

You used to love that.

Well, we were younger then.

You're as young as you feel.

He was just playing a joke, Doctor.

Donald was very funny when we were younger.

But he's such a terrible swimmer, he was always funny in the shallow end of the

pool.

Okay, that should do it.

Doctor, will he be all right? Yes, he's going to be fine. But I only give his

shoes a 50-50 chance.

The next time he wants to play a joke, tell him to do it on the shuffleboard

court.

It's just a... What did you say?

Just a little drink.

Margaritas. A little drink.

A little drink?

Yes. Well, I thought that, you know, a few margaritas, a nice little drink

before dinner, I thought that might be nice.

Donald, are you thinking of getting me drunk and seducing me?

Why would I do that?

To negotiate a better property settlement.

Monica, if I thought seduction was the answer, I would have tried it years ago.

It's just a lousy little drink to try and help you relax.

Thank you, Donald. I don't care for a lousy little drink right now, especially

margaritas. Well, I don't understand that. You liked them well enough at

Acapulco a few days ago. Monica, I want you to have this drink.

Yes?

It's only Nino with your dirt. Thank you, Nino. You can remove that tray now.

We're through with the margaritas. No, no, Nino. Not yet. You haven't had your

drink yet. And I'm not going to. Take it away, please.

My wife has made a mistake.

Yes, but that was 15 years ago. Take it. It goes.

Wait. It stays.

It stays. Oh, really?

It goes, and it goes now.

Now, look, Monica. I am not going to argue with you about this whole thing.

It's absolutely... He took the margaritas. So he took the margaritas.

Let him drink them if he wants to. Margarita's never killed anybody.

My God.

Oh, my God. Do you know him? No, no, no.

Do you?

He's one of the stewards.

It wasn't my fault.

Mama.

He's alive.

Of course.

Well, shouldn't you be pumping out a stomach or something?

We could, but most people with sprained ankles don't like that.

Ah, it's his ankle. He sprained it falling down those stairs, and he

dropped a pitcher.

Almost a whole quart of margaritas.

What a waste.

I'm sorry I didn't call last night, Angel Face, but I was busy, very busy.

Of course I'm not angry, Angel Face.

No, of course not.

Well, I feel the same way about you, Angel Face.

Well, soon, very soon.

Yes. But, Doctor, I thought you said I just had a full muscle.

Why do I have to have another complete physical?

Oh, please, trust me, Monica. We must be alert for internal injuries.

It's a bit tender, huh? Yeah.

I have some liniment that will fix it. Right up.

It's strange.

They were all here yesterday.

Who would want...

I want you to have this drink.

He's trying to kill me.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, a feat of skill and courage.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, a feat of skill and courage.

This is a real gun.

And this is a real bullet.

And this is a real match. This is very dangerous.

Using this mirror, I'm going to shoot over my shoulder and attempt to strike

the match without striking Dina.

One moment, please. I want to make sure there's nothing out there. We did this

once and sunk a Mexican submarine.

No, but seriously, folks, this is very dangerous. I'm going to shoot now.

May I have complete silence, please?

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

That was pretty good.

Oh, well, if you like that, man, you're going to love what comes next.

Hey, Bozo.

Yeah, you at the bar.

You didn't like that trick? A great trick? He sits there like a rock?

Where's the cheering? You know what happens to people who don't cheer to

DeMarcos? Huh?

Hey, just kidding, cowboy. A blank.

And that wraps it up for now. You're beautiful. God bless. Give that dead man

at the bar a drink courtesy Danny and Dina DeMarco. And do like we do after

the show and drink rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey. I cry.

If I don't get rye whiskey, I think I will die.

Wham, wham, wham.

Four times a day.

Ever since that year I get shot.

At least, brother, you get a free drink. All right.

I'd like to place a call for my husband.

No, I don't have the number, but it's the same one you always get for him.

Thank you.

Hello?

Angel Face?

No, this is Mrs. Lover.

I did it my

way.

Oh, I've been looking for you. Yes, and I've been looking for you, Monica.

There's an act in the lounge I want you to see. Donald, I don't want to drink or

entertainment. I want to talk.

Yes, but this is a very special act.

Yes, that's what you said about Tiny Tim. Come on, Monica. This is very

important to me. Please.

Why don't you sit there, Monica? I think it's the best seat in the house.

I don't want to see a show, Donald. I want to talk. Yes, well, we will talk. I

promise you, Monica. Later, we will talk.

Hey, hey, hey, you're going to sit through all of this again?

Yes, well, my wife hasn't seen the show, and don't spoil it for her. I want her

to be surprised.

Okay, it's her funeral.

Yes, it is her funeral.

Two topkits, two vodkas with a tonic. No mixed drinks for me, please.

I mean, I'll just have a beer, unopened, with an opener.

Yeah.

Just a new health kick I'm on.

Yes. Look, Monica, why don't you turn around so you can see the DeMarcos?

I don't want to. I want to talk.

What is there to talk about?

Well, I have reason to believe that you're more upset about the property

settlement than I thought.

No, I'm not upset. I was upset, but I am not upset anymore. Everything is fine.

Just fine. And now, ladies and gentlemen, a beat of skill.

And, dearie, this is a real gun.

And this is a real bullet.

Donald. Yes?

I have a confession to make. Yes, well, if it's about another man, I don't want

to hear it. There's never been another man.

What kind of a confession is that?

When I realized how upset you were, I wanted to find out what could possibly

make you react like that. So I did something silly.

I called Angel Face.

Yes, well, that's perfectly naturally. You called Angel Face? Shh, you called

Angel Face. I know it's not the proper thing, but I'm glad I did.

She's not exactly the, quote, other woman, unquote.

She's just sort of a sweet kid.

Well, what did you expect, a vampire?

I expected a vicious little homewrecker.

There's no such thing.

It's the people inside the homes who do the wrecking.

Well, Angel Face told me that you have the third largest dental supply company

in Los Angeles County.

She's very proud of that. Yes, well, so am I.

It's just natural for me to assume that Daddy bought it for you. Well, he

didn't. I know, I know.

He loaned you the money, and you built it up from nothing. And you paid him

back.

I never knew all that before.

Angel Face explained it to me.

Well, it really says something about a woman when a stranger has to explain to

her about the man she's been living with for 15 years.

I'm sorry, Donald.

I'm 37 years old, and I've spent my whole life assuming that Daddy's money

could buy me anything I wanted, including you.

I thought it had.

I don't blame you for being upset about the property settlement.

It was like I was trying to buy you back.

I was.

But I've changed my mind now.

We'll split everything 50-50.

Forget about the business. I'll sign my stock over to you. It's really yours

anyhow. I never had anything to do with your success, and neither did Daddy.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, Bozo.

Is, uh, is he talking to me? No. Yeah, you at the bar.

You didn't like that trick?

Trick? A great trick you don't even watch? Do you know what happens to

people who don't watch their markers, huh?

Oh, my God, no, don't shoot!

Sorry,

I didn't mean it. No, he didn't, honest.

Not your fault.

I'm... I'm... I'm not going to die. Oh, no, Donald,

please don't die.

I'm not even going to fall down. I'm not shot.

Well, of course not, but I am sorry about the shirt.

Yes, folks, more hilarious hijinks from the DeMarco Hoes.

That's the show for today, but remember to tell your friends. We always kill the

audience I don't know how I must have got my bullets mixed up see I got two

kinds regular blanks like I usually use Hey Didn't I shoot you before?

Well anyway, that's what I got you within a regular blank. I also got these

blood blanks They're kind of a jelly bullet with fake blood in them See,

that's what I show the audience before the match trick. They look like real

bullets, right?

They look terrific when they hit. We use them in our Godfather sketch.

What I don't understand is if you don't use real bullets, then how do you do the

match trick?

Oh. Watch.

Bang.

A trick match.

Of course. You don't think I'd let Danny point a loaded gun at me, do you?

Well... Yes, well, the boat is docking early tomorrow, and I thought it might

be a good time to pack.

I never did say thank you for what you did today, jumping in front of me like

that.

Yes, well, it doesn't take an extraordinary amount of courage to jump

in front of a blank.

Donald, are you in love with her? Who? Her.

Yes, well, that's not something a man likes to discuss with his wife. No, I

guess not. It's just that, well, if you are in love with her, there just isn't

much I can do to fight it. After all, she's 22 and I'm 37.

Together you're 59.

I didn't know you had thought about fighting it.

Well, I've thought about a lot of things lately, and, well, since we do have this

last night together, maybe I should try.

A woman might have some chance if she at least tried to fight.

There is a lot to be said for experience.

Donald, you are in for the fight of your

life.

Adam? Captain?

Well, congratulations are in order, Miss Landers. We'll arrive in Los Angeles

tomorrow a.m., and it looks like we've both survived my first passenger cruise

with hardly any calamities.

At least nothing we couldn't handle, sir.

Oh, Captain!

Oh, Jerry!

I've lost Arnold again!

Come now, madam.

Perhaps you've just misplaced him? No, no, I've looked everywhere.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You would tell me if he fell overboard.

Rita, calm down. Don't talk silly.

Oh, it's just all my fault. Don't you see?

I'm a terrible mother.

My boy, sweet little pumpkin.

I spoke too

soon. Looks like we do have one last calamity. Would you try and find that

sweet little pumpkin before his mother loses complete control?

Aye, aye, sir.

Passenger Arnold Merritt, report to your mother in the purser's lobby, please.

All is forgiven.

We'll even let you play the drums at the farewell dinner.

No, this isn't Arnold. This is George Havlicek. I've got Arnold.

Yeah, he's perfectly all right.

We finally found something he likes playing better than the drums.

It's up to you.

All right, I'm in.

Deal is four aces beat your pair of queens.

Good job, boss.

If you ever come to Muncie, Indiana, I hope you'll give me a chance to win my

money back.

George.

George, it's so tacky to pay gambling in public.

Uh, may I see some identification, please, Mr. Havlicek? After all, this

check is drawn on an out-of-state bank.

I'll be back in two weeks, Rita.

Go now.

Don't look back.

I want to remember this moment.

Adam, you are still corny.

Becky. But corny.

Well, Dr. Quicklove, I see you haven't lost your touch.

It's my bedside manner, Jerry.

They don't leave me alone.

Now, Miss Landon.

Getting short?

Yes, yes. I have some chores to do.

When you return, would you like to join me in my quarters for a spot of lunch?

Well, Captain, I'd love to.

Good. I've invited Mr.

Martin and a few of the other officers.

Shall we say one o'clock, Bing? Aye.

See you then, Miss.

Do you mind if I call you Geraldine?

I don't mind if you don't mind.

can get you an insurance policy, Luella.

Guaranteed for life.

How old did you say you were?

32. Perfect.

Won't even have to take the physical.

Martin's been my secretary for years. She's overprotective. She's jealous.

It's like my mother.

Nobody's good enough for me. But don't let it frighten you.

Couldn't I meet her some other time?

Oh, Mr. King. Welcome home.

How is your...

Let you be the judge, Martha.

This is my wife.

Well.

It's about time.

All things considered, Carrie, it's been an incredible trip.

Yes, you brought Donald and me closer than we've been in years.

Now you're under the magic spell of the love boat. Once it's touched you, you'll

never be the same.

Thank you.