Original subtitles

They're calling it one of today's news stories.

Two fugitives, Angela Tribeca and Angela Giles Jr., are on the run after a plot

to steal the Louisiana Purchase was foiled by Vice President Perry.

Their last known location was inside a convenience store.

Do you have anything to clean off DNA?

No. Sorry.

Can I get a six-pack of Coors Light?

And a beef roll-up.

Credit or debit?

Do you take bills with fluorescent dye all over them? Just nothing over 20.

I'm gonna go warm up the car.

You, in the convenience store. They're right in front of you.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Don't even think about it.

Grab the beer.

Nice car you got here, lady.

Trade you this crowbar for it.

Sucker!

Oh,

they

didn't clean.

Ah, yeah, we're gonna need housekeeping in room 102.

No, it's fine.

Everything's been lovely so far. Yeah, thank you. Okay.

What's going on, son?

It's just hitting, you know?

The SDF, the team, it's all a sham.

Scholz, Atkins, Jesus, Charo.

The woman I went to second base with. She was playing me the whole time.

Don't forget Hoffman.

More people in my life that abandoned me.

Hey, that is not fair, okay? I abandoned you to make my life easier.

Not for some kind of international land grab. How can I believe in anybody

anymore? You can't.

I learned a long time ago that human beings are rotten to the core.

They only do things that benefit them in the short term. I call that bed.

I thought they cared about us.

I thought they cared what we were doing.

I know.

You were so stupid.

But, hey, you got me, okay?

And I'm never, ever going to abandon you for a second time.

And even though he hasn't been featured in this season, your father cares about

you, too.

That's why he sent this for you in the mail.

Dad's badge.

I can't believe you remembered my birthday.

Yeah, how could anyone forget that?

Um, that's why I got you this very special, uh, Bible.

With a bullet hole in it.

Whoa.

Cool.

Spitting on your finger and everything. Thanks, Mom.

Now, what's this about going to second base?

I want

them found, and I want them found now.

Are those them?

Oh, my God. Every time.

So, who wants to tell me how we let AJ and Tribeca escape after we flawlessly

framed them for stealing the Louisiana Purchase?

Hmm?

I'm going to start calling on people.

Sweetheart, we've tracked their location to a 25-mile radius.

Their credit cards have been frozen, their passports have been canceled, and

their Uber ratings have been downgraded to one star.

I can't stay mad at you.

There's something going on between you two.

Listen, Joe, I take full responsibility for the fact that these guys screwed up,

but we need to stay focused on the task at hand, returning the Louisiana

Purchase to the President of France.

Thereby undoing the disastrous transaction made in 1803.

And forming a new country in the central United States of which you will be made

President and I will be First Lady. Yes.

Yes.

Now then, the president of France is awaiting my arrival at Gérard Depardieu

Airport.

While I'm aboard Air Force Two, I want you to track down A.J. and Tribeca.

They're the only thing that stands between me and becoming the president of

what I'm going to call Lil' France, with a hip-hop apostrophe after Lil' to play

to the younger citizens.

You said you were going to name it Shoals.

It didn't test well.

Good call on whoever ordered the deli platter.

What are we going to do?

Once that document gets to France, it's game over. They'll have to deed to the

entire Midwest.

Okay, so if we figure out a way to sneak aboard Air Force Two, we secure the

purchase, we'll hold Perry hostage, notify the president, and then land

safely at Andrews Air Force Base. Air Force Two is the second most secure

plane in the world. I realize that. And we're wanted fugitives. Our faces are

plastered all over town.

But his isn't.

But our faces are.

And we're the ones that need to get on the plane. But if one of us had his

face, we would sail right through. But one of us doesn't. So we still have the

same problem. But what if one of us did?

She's saying that if you cut off my face and put it on one of your faces, you can

pass through security.

Oh, so you mean we take his face off.

I will become him.

Sorry, folks. Looks like Air Force Two is stuck here another 45 minutes.

Cardan!

How the hell did you get away from those animals?

Sure as hell wasn't easy.

Tribeca put up quite a fight. Man, she's amazing.

What happened to your French accent?

Oh, right.

You know that thing where you start to bond with your captors? I must have

taken on their accent.

Oh, there it is.

Ah, liberation.

Ah, it's very sweet and... Anyway.

Pierre.

You're here. How on earth?

Actually, it was easiest on earth.

Tribeca and AJ were no match for Pierre Cardin.

Although Tribeca does somehow manage to be both tough and elegant at the same

time. Really?

That's not how I would describe her.

Okay, folks, looks like we got things sorted out here and are ready to board

Air Force Two.

We are calling families of small children and anybody who needs

additional time to get on the aircraft.

Let's go.

Let's go, let's go, let's go. No, stop, it's a red light. Oh, no, no, no, no,

come on.

And then we went to the Jefferson Memorial.

Oh, hands down, filthiest bathrooms I have...

Ever seen.

Barely flush.

Zero toilet paper.

You're in over the thing.

Could you maybe find another seat?

Oh, sorry.

Secret service has to stay near the vice president at all times.

Season two, the detour.

Nice.

That chime means we've reached our cruising altitude and you are free to

silently fart in your seat.

Uh... Pardon me, I'm going to see if they have gluten-free blankets, sir.

What can I get for you, Mr. Vice President?

I'll just have a cup of coffee, please. We have Coors Light.

Coors Light?

As in Born in the Rockies Coors Light?

Yes. Well, why didn't you say so?

I'll have one now and another one in an hour when my body has safely metabolized

the first one.

And that's it.

Good thinking, sir.

Hope it wasn't too cramped in there for you.

Thanks, Mom.

How we doing?

Armed and dangerous, son.

Armed and dangerous.

Let's move. Okay, you work your way up from the back I'm gonna follow this

compartment all the way to the front copy that and hey Be careful.

I Don't want anything happening to my baby boy

Wait.

Shit.

What?

What's happening? What's going on? Shut up. You're coming with me.

Not if the Secret Service has anything to do with it.

Move it.

You sure this is the right place?

No doubt about it.

Sir?

I found Cardan.

Oh, my God.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Vice President Joe Perry.

You're not Cardan, are you?

Why don't you figure out who I am? I'll give you 20 years.

Tribeca. In the flesh of another person.

You never get away with it.

These pilots are flying to Paris no matter what orders they're given. I

don't know. I think the pilots might be swayed by your head rolling into the

cockpit. Well, of course. Anyone's going to be curious about that.

Care to wager?

Loser gets 20 years in prison.

All right. I sent you to prison for 20 years once.

Jesus! Turn this plane around!

We're calling the president and we're landing in Washington. Hope you like

being executed.

I'm afraid we'll never find out how he feels about being executed.

Drop the guns. Now!

Sure thing.

Anyone see that coming?

Mom, you shot Dr. Scholz!

Scholz died the second she switched sides.

Monica, I'm sorry.

Thank you for raising me. It was three weeks when I was a baby.

I loved kissing your big, chubby teeth.

Why don't I just go talk to the pilots about changing course?

Sir, Air Force Two is changing course.

Something's wrong.

I thought you said we had some downtime before it landed.

Come in, Air Force Two. Come in, Air Force Two.

This is Perry.

Joe, it looks like your plane is changing course. Everything okay?

Everything is okay.

Are you sure everything is okay? It doesn't sound like it.

No, everything is definitely okay.

If you're in trouble, signify by using the duress code.

I am not under duress.

Duress code received.

Initiating emergency response.

Cancel emergency response.

I am not under duress. Copy on duress authentication code. Moving ahead with

response. I am... Really, really, really not under duress.

That's three reallys. Duress level three.

Call the president.

Atkins, listen to me very closely. I am not sending you the authentication code

or any other codes.

Throw them all out the window.

Got it? All of them.

Now, I'm the vice president, and everyone on board is acting of their own

volition and are totally safe. So stand down and don't contact me again.

Roger that.

They've got Perry dead to rights in the cockpit, and they're turning around and

heading back to Washington to return the Louisiana purchase.

He gave me the exact code, word for word.

We have to shoot the plane out of the sky.

Sir, we can't. I know, I know. It was just fun to think about for a second.

Get Shoals on the horn.

And I mean now.

Think it'll grow on a beard.

Isn't it like a super itchy phase?

Drop your gun and let go of the plane.

Did you really think you could... Some people just can't handle the cabin

pressure. Thanks, Mom.

Always remember to put your mask on first.

Susan, thank God.

Nobody kills my mom and gets away with it.

It's okay, AJ.

She just winged me.

Oh.

Sorry, Susan.

Altitude. Altitude.

Ground approaching faster than I'd like.

For God's sakes! The plane is going down! Get the real pilots back in here!

Hang on a second!

What are you saying?

Are you insane?

I surrender.

You can have the purchase back. The deal is off.

Just save my life!

Think you can land this thing?

You bet your ass I can.

Sorry.

You tried your best.

Man,

this thing was hot.

Yeah.

Where's Perry?

or I'll drop you like a sick beet.

Madam President.

Thank God.

I caught the terrorists.

They tried to hijack my plane, but I fought them off.

Oh, stick it up your ass, Joe. Everybody knows you're dirty.

Someone arrest this traitor.

With pleasure.

Okay, what are you doing?

Nobody move or the kid gets it.

You don't have the guts.

Actually, Tribeca, it's you that doesn't have the guts.

I've known it from the beginning.

Why do you think I sent you to prison for 20 years?

I kept you on ice until your son was old enough to join the Special Division

Force. You see, he's my insurance policy.

I'm warning you, Joe.

You do this, and you can forget about breaking the next tie in the Senate.

I'm afraid you don't know me as well as you think you do, Mr. Vice President.

Joe's fine.

See, I taught my kid that humans are rotten to the core, and they only do

what benefits them in the short term.

You think I'm any different?

Even you wouldn't shoot your own son, Tribeca.

Mom!

What have you done?

Like I said, AJ, don't trust anyone.

That is...

Anyone except me.

Because you're my baby boy.

Wow. You aim for Dad's badge.

Uh-huh.

I love you, Mom.

I like you too, kid.

Everybody freeze, damn it! Then he probably moves a muscle, I swear!

I told you we were going to be late. And I told you the drive-thru takes longer.

Atkins, once again, you serve this country with great distinction.

And Joe, I knew from the moment I chose you as my running mate that you were

corrupt.

I assigned Atkins here to tail you until you slipped up.

You were on our side the whole time.

That's right, Tribeca.

I'll always be Lieutenant Atkins.

Atkins, I hereby appoint you Secretary of Defense.

And Tribeca, how does Vice President sound to you?

With all due respect, Madam President, I've been doing a lot of thinking in the

past 11 seconds, and I think it might be time for me to ride off into the sunset.

The world is too different now, and I just can't find my place in it.

I'll be Vice President.

You got it.

No, she doesn't. She doesn't. It's a backpack. Stand down.

Did you tell them about the... Does she know about the... Yes, we've covered

everything.

Except what Tribeca's gonna do next.

I just want to be as far away from rules and structure as I possibly can.

My name is Tribeca, and this is U.S. History.

Tribeca! Get the hell in here!

Coming, Principal Atkins.