Original subtitles

♪ Waiting for GA today

♪ Like many men I can behave ♪

♪ So preach from that mountain slope ♪

♪ I'll be on the path below

♪ But my body stays with GA

♪ In that quiet place

We should put our stuff through there.

Yeah, I got it, babe. I got it.

All right.

[sighs]

Oh, little Sam.

Oh, Sam.

Oh, my God.

Look at that tie.

All right.

[sighs]

Dave called.

And?

Honey, I'm so sorry.

Hey!

Hey!

Great.

Hey!

-Hey! Greta! -Hey.

-How are you? -Good. How are you?

Good.

-Good to see you. -Good to see you!

-Jay! -Yo, Will, how you doing?

-What's happening, man? -How're you doing?

Good to see you! [groans]

Yeah, that's my ribs.

Yeah, working out.

Yeah, I can tell! Look at you!

Yeah, well, we got a pool, right?

Yeah, we do!

Watch out, ladies!

Ooh, nice.

Can you-- What are you doing? Why're you--

-No, these are good. -When did you wash those?

-I haven't washed these yet. -Not those, your hands!

Whoa, look at this place. It's amazing!

Yeah.

Whose joint is this again?

Hey!

Hey!

Christopher?

Ah!

Hey, boss, how are you?

Wow. What's going on?

-It's good to see you. -It's good to see you.

Hey, you sexy chef.

-Hi! -How are you? Good.

[whispering] Oh, by the way, don't say anything about anything.

Um, is he that ugly lamp guy?

What? No.

Guys, this is Caleb.

Hey.

Hi. Thanks for having me.

Oh, yeah. No problem.

It's not mine, but make yourself at home.

Will.

Jaybert! Jay!

Where you at? Yo!

Chrissy!

-Hey! -How are you?

-How are you? -I'm good!

-I'm good. How you doing? -I'm good. I'm great!

Listen, that whole guy thing, let's not worry about it, okay?

Let's just have the best weekend ever.

Dude, are you kidding me?

I threw him away like a parking ticket.

-Where's that from? -Where's what from?

The parking ticket thing?

I don't know. My brain.

Uh, that's from like a movie or something.

No! It's not.

I just made it up right now.

-Mmm... -Eh?

[exclaims dismissively]

Okay, so wait, if it was from a movie it would have been funny?

Yes.

-But since I said it, it's not? -Yup. Yup.

You're an idiot. Okay, listen. I brought somebody.

Who'd you bring?

Do you remember Caleb?

-Oh, God, was he that bartender? -No.

The... musician?

-No. -Is he the mountain-man- furniture-dude?

-Yes, that's the one! -Dammit! Chris, why'd you bring him?

Well, listen, I was going to come up here alone and relax 'cause I needed some alone time

and then I decided I wanted to get some, and then all you guys came and crashed.

It's gonna be fun!

He's got a beard.

(laughs) What is that look for?

This never gets old.

Beaner!

Yes!

-How are you? -I'm good.

-Good. -How are you?

-I'm good. Sorry about that. -No! Don't worry about it.

-I'm good. I'm happy you guys are here. -Hi, Chris.

-Hey. You need some help? -I'm good.

Well, this place is beautiful.

-Huh? Yeah. -Oh, man, I tell you, it's...

beautiful.

-Totally. -Mmm-hmm.

I got to, uh, go make a call.

Yeah, cool.

-So beautiful. -Right.

And the mountains.

Yeah.

See that spot right there?

-Right at the peak? -Mmm.

I want to have a home right there.

-That would be awesome. -Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

I mean, isn't that the dream to have some big old place

at the top of a hill looking down on everyone?

Well, I mean this place is pretty amazing.

Yeah! Yeah. No, this place is awesome.

Yeah.

-It's just that that place... -That--

-...that would be amazing. -That would be better.

Yeah.

So you like, you build things or something?

-Furniture. Yeah. -Nice. Nice.

Yeah, my old man was a contractor, and so I sorta learned from him

but I find I can be more creative with furniture.

I'm so sorry, did you just say that your old man was a contractor?

Mmm-hmm.

-What? -It's just that-- That's really amazing because,

I don't know if anyone told you, but I'm about to open up this like, amazing restaurant.

It's like, fusion and modern and stuff.

It's like iPads and tablets and...

cutting edge.

But, I have yet to secure a contractor.

Really?

So...

-Caleb... -Yes?

Would you be my contractor?

[laughing]

I'd have to think about it.

The scary thing is, it feels like I'm starting to get used to the rejection--

I know.

Yeah, well, I hope you're right.

Hmm.

You're wonderful.

I gotta go. Bye.

Hey! Isabella!

Hey, buddy!

-How are you? -I'm good.

-Good. -Good to see ya.

-Oh, you, too. -Yeah.

How are you?

You know...

-Still failing on a regular basis. -Hey! Me, too!

Well, that's not what I heard.

I heard you just sold one for ten thousand dollars, so that's, uh--

-Yeah. -That's pretty incredible.

-It's been a good month. -Yeah.

-Okay, I'm just gonna go, um... -Yeah! Food!

-...get something to eat. -Right? Okay.

-Hey. -Hey.

I can't find my toothbrush.

Did you pack it?

Oh, shit.

What is this, Samuel Carson?

You weren't supposed to find that.

Well, it was in an excellent hiding spot.

Yup.

Right beside my floss.

Genius.

Yeah.

I was going to do it at Abacus tonight.

Do what exactly? I'm confused.

I was just gonna get you to hold that box to see how big your hands are.

-Oh, that's what this is for? -Yeah.

Ugh, I always wondered.

Oh, you thought there was something in the box?

No, no, there's nothing in the box, it's just this tiny little green thing

excellent at measuring hands.

I mean, theoretically there could be something in the box.

No, you can't backtrack now. There's nothing inside this box.

-Oh, okay. Never mind. -Yes please.

[indistinct]

[cheering]

-[all] One! Two! Three! -Salut!

-Mmm! Beautiful. -All right, let's see, let's see.

Okay.

This is like an engagement party now.

-It's an engagement party! -Oh, my God!

Not bad, Samuel!

Like you had nothing to do with it.

Well, maybe I did and maybe I didn't.

Let's head into there guys.

-What do you want me to, uh-- -Let's eat! Honey, will you take these in for me?

Uh, yeah. What-- What do we-- Oh, okay, yeah.

Take that and that.

[indistinct]

Hey, man, I want to say congratulations.

-Thank you, uh-- -Caleb.

-Right! Right. Great to meet you, man. -Likewise.

And thanks letting me crash at your place, man.

-No, not a problem at all. -I feel like I might've imposed now.

Not at all. We're used to it with her. Don't worry about it.

-Come on, let's eat. -All right.

[all laughing]

You know what I mean.

[Sam] So, Jay, what else is new, man?

Oh!

Um, I mean, lots of really amazing stuff.

-Yeah? -Um, I don't know if you guys heard

but I'm gonna open up a restaurant that will revolutionize restaurants.

This place is going to be huge!

No, that sounds great.

What's, uh-- What's the plan?

Um, it's a--

It's modern, it's fusion, it's art deco.

-Okay. -That's new!

It's new. It's new.

iPads, tablets, it's going to be digital.

It's gonna be amazing.

Actually, funny enough, Caleb may come on to do

some contracting work for me, which is, pretty cool!

Is that right? Okay, but more important, please tell me about your dress.

-Oh, no! -Are you still thinking lace?

Do you remember when we went on that--

Sometimes you look at it and you just wanna-- [exclaims dismissively]

No, but please, you're so classic.

It would be so beautiful if you wore lace. I would love it so much.

It would be so beautiful. It's true, it would be,

but can we talk about the bridesmaid dresses 'cause we know that's more important?

Yeah, okay. That is something I have thought a lot about, particularly yours, Chris.

Um, okay. Pink.

Lots of ruffles.

-Yes. -Think Madonna Circa 1982.

-Perfect. Yup. -Well, the 80's are in, that's perfect.

-Sam? -Yes. Please.

So, uh, as I was saying before...

do you do software development because there might be an app involved,

I might need some work on-- Why are you laughing?

Uh... yeah!

Yeah?

I, um-- I could run it by the guys.

Okay, you're being way too nice to him.

He's never gonna open a restaurant, come on.

No, I am. I am.

Are you? Is it gonna be right next to your T-shirt shop?

Uh, funny you should say that...

My T-shirts go in the restaurant still.

To new ideas, Jay.

-Cheers. -Congratulations.

-To new ideas. -To new ideas.

New ideas. Cheers, cheers.

I just wish I would have brought someone.

-[snickering] -And who would you have brought?

You know, that's funny, because lots of women would

have died for the opportunity to come here with me.

I know they would have. They would have.

Like Laura? The, uh, self-proclaimed actress who turned out to be

a pornstar, remember that?

First of all it was soft-core, second of all she wasn't really a star.

I knew that.

What was her name--

-Jenny! -Oh, Jenny!

Do not speak her name!

Jenny! Wait, she had the worst laugh. Do her laugh!

[cackling]

-That's it. -That's really good.

It was like-- [high-pitched laughter]

[Will] I wanted to strangle her.

-[high-pitched] Jay! -No, it's not--

-Oh, Jay. -Stop, that's-- That's not how it went.

I know I've been like, going through a rough patch

-with women and stuff but like-- -Jay--

You should've seen me in high school, I was just killing it.

-"High school?" Did he say "high school?" -He said "high school."

What, like eight years ago?

-I wouldn't say you were killing it. -I was killing it!

You don't remember Lauren Silvey with those big 'ol titties?

Yeah, I remember Lauren Silvey.

She had big tits, but she wasn't that hot.

She was hot!

She-- I lost my virginity to her. She was hot.

I lost my virginity to Matt Gibson.

Do you remember him?

It was the fourth of July and we did it in his Dad's truck. Classy.

-Mmm. Yeah, mine was Sheila-Anne Davies. -Three names?

She was the captain of the swimming team. Tall... Blonde...

Mine-- Mine was...

-Jeremy White. -[Beans] Oh, my God.

[Greta] Ugh, Jeremy White.

-I was young, man. I was like-- -[Beans] You were.

I was like, 13.

-What? -Yeah.

[Beans] That's a child.

And I was, uh-- I was on my brother's water bed.

You probably don't know what a water bed is.

-[Jay] I don't even know what that is. -And I'll never forget it.

Baywatch was on in the background.

[Chris] Uh-oh.

So it was Pam Anderson on the beach, me and whatever her name was.

I lasted 33 to 38 seconds.

[all laugh]

-[Greta] Classic Will. -And I was out.

What about you, Sam?

You're looking at her.

[Caleb] Really?

How long you guys been together?

Since we were 16.

Whoa!

So you're first and only.

Am I prying right now? I just feel like--

I'm sorry. It's just-- It's--

I'm intrigued because it's, uh--

-It's rare. -It is rare.

We, uh--

We just got lucky I guess.

[Caleb] Indeed.

[Will] Lucky.

16. That is--

-The age I wanna go back to. -What?

It was good then, you know?

Everybody always says that, but if you think about it were you really that different?

-I was. I know I was. -[Beans] Yeah, I was.

Come on , you could be whoever you wanted to be

every day of the week. You could do anything.

-Yeah. -Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's like-- I think that's the hardest part about being married.

I'm sorry. What's the hardest part about marriage?

I'm just saying, babe.

You know, the, uh, the inability to do anything with the opposite sex.

You can't do anything with anybody from the opposite sex.

Who have I stopped you from doing anything with?

-Greta, babe, calm down. -No.

I'm not talking about you.

Oh! Not your own wife.

-The other marriage? -Yeah, yes, my other--

-Yeah, your other marriage. -My other marriage, yeah.

Sam, let's talk about Sam. Sam for instance.

Sam, we can all agree...

-very good-looking guy. -Handsome.

-Handsome man over there! -[Greta] Handsome devil.

If Sam were to meet a woman, you know,

you're not even attracted to her let's say.

Let's say you just find her funny or smart, witty, whatever.

You can't have a cup of coffee with her.

You know, you can't have a meal with her. You can't go for a walk.

-It's cheating! -Okay, wait, wait. He can do that. I don't care.

Yeah right, Beaner.

He can go for dinner with another lady that's not me?

[Chris] I don't know. I mean, maybe that's where cheating comes from, right?

The inability to let a little pressure out?

You know, to let a little air out?

Yeah, could be.

I mean, you can't turn off being attracted to somebody.

You can't pretend that you don't find somebody interesting.

That's just natural.

You know, you can't help that.

But you're told not only can you not touch,

but you can't look and you can't talk, so then the pressure builds

and builds and builds 'til it erupts and that, my friends, is an affair.

I mean, imagine if spouses allowed their partners,

you know, to let out a little air every now and then.

-How? -I don't know.

Maybe a movie, or a stroll in the park.

Maybe it's a fuck, I don't know, and then they come home.

Really?

I'm sorry, but you think that people would just come home

after they've had a taste of that freedom?

I do. I honestly do.

I think that we set the stage for cheating to be way too easy.

[Greta] What--

The freedom would actually make it less desirable.

Hmm.

No? Okay.

-I mean, it's an interesting-- -It is.

-Um, the concept is interesting. -It is.

It's worth a discussion at least.

Because desire is what we all want, right?

-From an academic point of view. -[Chris] Yeah, you're interested, huh?

-We want that mystery. -I love you.

And then love, love is obviously something that we need. We want that security.

So there's this, sort of, polarity, you know,

and how do you reconcile these two differences?

Freedom! That's what I think. I mean, that's what everybody wants, right,

a little bit of freedom?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Yeah.

This one time I was, uh-- Ah, nah--

-No, Caleb, you can't do that. -Can't do it.

-Nah, it's just-- I'm that guy now. -Caleb, Caleb, Caleb.

Don't be that guy, my friend.

-One time, I was having a-- -Listen. Listen.

All new friends here. Go ahead. Go ahead!

It was this-- I spent a summer in Copenhagen with these two friends of mine

that I met at the Burn and--

-[Greta] Uh-- "Met at the burn?" -Oh, yeah, at the Burn, the-- I'm sorry.

-The Burning Man Festival. Have you heard of it? -[Greta] No.

Yeah, I was supposed to go last year.

-Really? -You were gonna come to.

I was supposed to come. Yeah, I know.

I've been dreaming about this thing since high school.

You guys-- No, it is so cool.

Basically, you get naked, you do a bunch of drugs

and then you run around dancing in the desert.

-Is that how it goes? -Jay's working up a sweat.

[indistinct]

He's so hot.

[Sam] It's already-- He's getting very worked up about this.

-Come on , it's perfect! -That's like-- That is a part of it.

There is like, a larger whole.

You know, like 75,000 people in the Black Rock Desert.

Like, it's incredible. For a week.

It's like a whole city.

So, uh, what does it entail exactly?

Well, there's all these tenets.

Um, people live by these rules like, um, you know,

"leave no trace", everyone packs in and packs out,

they take care of themselves.

There's this radical self-expression,

radical self-reliance, radical inclusion--

Is it like "totally radical"?

Like, "totally radical"?

It's the most radical because for that week

you really get to feel like a child again in the purest sense of the word.

You get to explore whatever you want.

You know, you dance however you want, you costume

yourself in whatever apparel makes you feel like a king,

you run around and shout at the top of your lungs

if that's what you wanna do, and if what you wanna do is

have sex with a consensual partner then by all means do it.

-That's freedom. -Yeah. Absolutely.

And these friends of mine, these Danish girls,

they would take these tenets and say,

"Well, why can't we apply them to our life all the time?

"Or at least on a special occasion?"

We had a lot of fun.

I bet you had some fun.

[all laughing]

No, but it was-- But it's-- It's more than that.

I wanna do it.

I want to have one of those

radical Burning Man burner night things.

[whispering] I want a Lamborghini.

[laughing]

Me, too. Me, too.

-[Sam] Honey. -I want more risotto.

I think you might be a little drunk.

I'm not drunk.

[Jay] I'm kinda drunk.

-I'm totally drunk. -I'm definitely drunk.

-I had a shot for the first time in four years. -Guys! Guys, I'm serious.

I wanna do it.

Let's do it.

What else are we gonna do?

Fuck it. I'll do it. Jay'll do it.

I do everything she says.

Obviously I'm game.

Guys! We're not just gonna throw away all social confines

just to have like a-- I don't know, like some "Lord of the Flies"

night for yuppies.

Hey! I am not a yuppie.

Really? Well, I thought your Tiffany bracelet says otherwise.

[all laughing]

Guys, guys, guys.

I think my wife is correct, again.

-[Greta] Yes, thank you. -We're cool.

Not that cool.

-You might be that cool. -[Greta] Yes, he is.

So, uh, let's just finish our wine, maybe,

take a little dip in the hot tub and call it a night, yeah?

You're right, Will.

I mean, we probably will do that.

And then I'll go back to my expensive loft,

and you'll go back to your PhD...

and nothing will change.

But what if we didn't do that.

[Will] Okay.

[Beans chanting softly] Do it.

-Do it. -Wow.

Do it, do it, do it...

The slow chant!

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Okay, there's the line.

And on this side...

whatever we make it.

[music playing]

I thought so.

♪ Oh, Natalie the captured wife ♪

♪ Every number is a sign of life ♪

♪ So she's watching as I hit my stride ♪

♪ Violent and wide

♪ Natalie's numbers are comforts I hide ♪

♪ She said that all of this would pass ♪

♪ That ways of living are a second math ♪

♪ All's quiet as she takes her aim ♪

♪ But the weapons have changed

♪ And Natalie's numbers are all that remain ♪

Yes!

All right!

Congratulations, we're all on this side of the line.

Okay.

-What do we do? -Whatever we want.

I feel like-- I don't know, I feel like we should make up rules or something.

Uh--

Wasn't "no rules" kinda the point?

Sometimes guidelines are good, right?

'Cause they make you feel comfortable.

Thank you.

Okay, well, who should do it?

How about Will and Greta?

Why don't we just-- I mean, we could all do it together.

I trust you.

No, no... I trust you.

Yeah, I trust both of you.

We look trustworthy to you?

Yeah.

It's a marriage certificate, it makes you trustworthy.

♪ Save the breath that whistles in my chest ♪

♪ And the edges of a new design ♪

♪ Spin in my mind

♪ With Natalie's numbers and letters I find ♪

♪ Say her name again and let it rest ♪

♪ It will be there when you need it next ♪

[all talking indistinctly]

[all] Hey!

And then Caleb said that clothes mask our beauty.

Can you feel it?

-Beauty. -Yeah. Sure can.

All right.

I still don't know why I'm the one who, uh, has to say all this--

It's because you're the teacher, sir.

Ah! Yes, Jay, I am the teacher,

thank you for reminding me.

So, um, tonight is about no rules...

right?

So here are some rules.

Okay, well, let's not call them rules.

Okay.

Uh, I don't know, how about guidelines?

I don't really like guidelines.

You don't? Makes you feel weird?

[Jay] Childhood.

I invite you to follow these best practices.

-Here-here! -[Caleb] Well said!

All right.

Well, feel free to, uh, suggest anything to anyone

just so long as, you know, you don't make anybody feel too uncomfortable.

-[softly] What else did we talk about? -No drama.

Right. Right.

Emotions are gonna be flying high, so just... be mindful.

Respect choices and don't get weird about it.

Yeah. Exactly.

And lastly, um, we talked about maybe having a word to...

signify if anybody's veering into uncomfortable territory.

So what's the word?

It could be anything.

-Like, literally anything? -Mmm-hmm.

Well, how about "fuck"?

[Sam] That might make things a little confusing.

-Why? Why is that? -Maybe a little negative.

-What about "Milwaukee"? -"Milwaukee"? Like Milwaukee, Wisconsin?

No. Just--

What Milwaukee?

Yeah, yeah, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. That's fine.

Okay, let's just let the fucking word be Milwaukee.

[Jay] Milwaukee.

All right, Milwaukee.

-Everybody? -Milwaukee. Yeah.

-All right. -Anything else, guys?

I just-- I love you guys.

Nah, I don't usually. But sure.

I don't usually either.

No, trust me, I'm on Neptune when I'm high.

It's okay. She's not looking.

You're funny.

What are we doing?

I don't know.

You know, part of me likes to be the guy...

who would do something like this,

as opposed to the guy who's now standing naked with another dude doing this.

-Yeah, what actually is this? -Freedom.

I guess. I don't know.

Isn't that what the wizard said in there?

You'll see, man. It's different, you know.

Marriage is different, you know.

I don't care how long you've been with the girl.

It doesn't matter.

It changes.

The morning you wake up and you're married, everything changes,

you know?

I have to make a decision, every day... every morning...

I wake up, I have to decide again to be married.

You know, sometimes you just need something, anything,

to make it feel like it's not a prison.

Prison?

Thanks. Glad I just signed up.

Oh, man.

Nah, man, sometimes it's great.

Listen, sometimes it's great, sometimes it fucking sucks.

I'll be honest.

Right?

Sometimes I wonder... if God or whatever is looking down on us

and he's saying, "Idiots.

"What are you doin'?

"You're not supposed to be with one person.

"I tried to show you that in this generation.

"I tried to show you that in the previous generation and the previous generation.

"You guys don't listen 'cause it's--" You know, it doesn't work.

I don't know.

I like having one person.

-You know? It's-- -Yeah.

It's home.

Uh-huh.

Wait. Hold on.

I don't want to go back in there just yet.

Yeah? Okay.

-I'll stay here, buddy. -Thanks.

[music playing]

[plane flying by]

Cessna.

Single engine.

How'd you know that?

I can fly.

I believe you can fly.

[both laughing]

I don't much anymore, but I used to.

My dad taught me a lot about flying.

I believe you can touch the sky.

[both laughing]

Wow.

You're so pretty.

Are you wearing chapstick?

It's just Vaseline Cocoa Butter.

-You find that funny? Thank you. -Tastes good.

You have such a cute little nose.

So then I get home like eight hours later, and there's just--

I don't know, some weird structure that

did not at all resemble a bookshelf waiting.

It's because Ikea's the worst.

You're better building from scratch.

-No. -Every time.

No, you would not want to see Will without instructions. Trust me.

Well, you think that, but I actually teach this class for senior citizens.

Really?

I, um, I work at a seniors home.

-No. -I do.

-Really? -Mmm-hmm.

Yeah! I teach a wood chopping class.

I was supposed to come in and teach them how to build

like a table or a, um, bird house or whatever,

but they didn't wanna know.

So we just threw out the rules.

Gave 'em the tools, let 'em go nuts, you know?

It's kinda cool to see what they come up with.

Wow.

It's uh-- I love them.

Me, too.

I actually think I was born to be an old person.

[laughs] I was!

I know it sounds stupid. People were born to be doctors.

I was born to be old.

-Born to be an old? -I was born to be a geriatric! I was!

I don't know, I just-- I love them.

They're so...

honest.

Yes.

You will not get a false compliment out of them.

You're beautiful, Greta.

No, I'm not.

I've wanted to do this for so long.

Uh, uh-- You don't have to.

I want to.

It's just--

I don't really like that.

Um...

Jay.

Jay.

You don't want to?

Uh, I don't know.

I mean, that's what this whole thing is about, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, yeah, let's do it.

-Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. -Is it in?

Yeah.

Oh, sorry.

You did that with very little effort.

You have very strong arms.

You like that?

Are you talking dirty to me?

Not yet. But I can if you want.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I feel like-- I don't know. I feel like I want to scream.

In a good way! You're just this rugged stranger--

Oh, my God.

You okay?

Can we go outside?

-Outside? -Yeah.

Sorry, I don't know why I said outside.

You just seem really outdoorsy.

[panting]

I'm sorry.

Jay, it's fine.

That's never happened to me before.

Jay, it's okay.

I usually go for hours.

Wanna get a drink?

I'll meet you out there.

Okay.

[sighs]

Is it okay if this is all we do?

Of course. Yeah.

-Yep. -Yeah.

That's the stuff right there.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're fun.

I, uh--

I should go.

Yeah.

[exhales deeply]

[sighs deeply]

-There you are. -Hey, mama.

-Can I have one of those? -Yeah.

You having fun?

Oh, yes.

Yeah?

Where were you?

With Jay.

Like, with Jay?

Wow.

And--

Hey.

It's just me.

It's okay. You can tell me.

How was it?

Not Sam.

I guess I've done it.

I've finally slept with someone other than Sam.

How do you feel?

I feel--

I feel...

liberated.

I don't care what anybody says.

There is nothing like a new set of hands on you.

Okay.

Well, you must be feeling liberated.

You know, Chris...

I, um--

I don't know.

I've always felt like... it wouldn't matter,

if it was a guy or a girl.

Physically.

Fuck, if I loved them, it wouldn't matter.

That's really beautiful.

I just really like penis.

[laughing] Yeah, you do.

But for my sake...

again?

Hey!

Didn't know you guys were being lesbians without me.

Yeah, actually we were about to go to second base before you came and messed things up.

-Just ruined it. -Oh.

I'm sorry, were you gonna touch her boobs?

Yes, of course I was. Look at them they're great.

Well, they are great. They are great.

Stop, guys, I still wear training bras for girls.

So I'm 10 years old, watching girls in skirts play baseball.

Like, so many emotions running through my body.

I was playing little league at the time,

so I was obsessed and Tom Hanks is killing it with every line. There's no crying!

Are you crying? There's no crying in baseball!

So I'm laughing and there's Madonna and Gena Davis,

they're having a cat fight. So I have a raging hard-on

before I even knew what a hard-on was.

I became a man that day.

What day?

The day I saw "League of Their Own".

Never seen it.

-What? -Dude, that is genius.

There are so many good people in it.

So many.

Um, Rosie O'Donnell.

And that guy from "Twister".

Who's that again?

-Um, uh, Bill Pullman. -No.

Bill Pullman, yeah! He's the guy--

He's Dottie's husband in "A League of Their Own".

Yeah, he is.

But Bill Paxton is the guy in "Twister".

They're the same guy.

No, it's not.

Wait. What?

Oh, this is a big moment for you.

What moment?

This is the moment where you boys realize Bill Pullman

and Bill Paxton are two different people.

Not possible.

Okay. Wait.

So who's the president in Independence Day?

Who do you think?

-Pullman! -Paxton!

-Pullman. -Yes! Yes! Fuck!

-Can I ask you guys something weird? -Yes... Uh-oh.

Have you guys ever given a footie?

I have.

-What? -Yeah.

What is a footie?

-It's that! She's doing a footie. -You put your feet like this...

-Will asked me to do a footie and I was like why the shit... -Just lube it right up.

-...would I put my feet near your sexual parts? -Get right in there.

You know it's funny, because um,

I first gave tongue to Carol McCarthy watching "Twister".

How was it?

-I tore it up. -Nice.

You know how I do.

-I believe that. -Uh-huh.

Honestly, some of my best sexual encounters were my grade school ones.

They were just so good.

Yeah, 'cause it's all new. It's so new.

And because you think every girl is gonna be the girl.

[both] Mmm-hmm.

And then when you get the girl, you really think...

she's "the girl".

-You see what I'm saying? -Puberty.

That's what I call it.

Puberty Jay.

-That was the best Jay. -It wasn't the best Will.

No?

No, I was so emotional.

I took everything so personally.

I wanted to buy every girl ice cream and pull out every chair,

I could not get any sex.

Yeah, that's not gonna work.

And then in college I was angry.

So I just wrote all the time, smoked a lot of weed.

Called girls names.

"Get outta here, slut."

"Suck my dick, bitch."

And I got a lot of the sex.

See the--

-I get it. -Yeah.

They are complicated creatures, ya?

Not complicated, my friend.

Fucked up.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

That's a good move. That's not a good angle.

Hey, Will! Will get over here.

Shed some light on a--

On a subject over here for us.

Hey, wife.

-Husband! -How are ya?

So, uh, small breasts versus massive boobs?

An age-old question.

Age-old.

God made them both, so who am I to judge?

Helpful.

-Very diplomatic. -Right?

-I've learned from living with her. -Yeah, wise man.

Always.

You can't go one way or another too hard or else I get it from this one.

-Yeah, guess what else you missed? -Uh-huh?

A little girl-on-girl action over here.

What?

See that-- Now, I'm a little upset.

I wish I saw that.

Yeah, I bet you're sad you missed that .

You know, uh, Will's always had a little thing for you, Chris.

[Beans exclaiming]

Excuse me.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Uh, yes, there.

-What? It's fine! -Where'd that come from?

What, I'm not an idiot. I mean...

she's like a super cool dude in the body of a really hot woman.

All right. All right.

Chris, no offense, but I don't think it would work.

You can probably throw a football 100 yards further than I could.

-So... -[Chris] That's true.

-I'll take that. -[Will] Yeah.

Yes, I'm sure she could, but I'm just saying I know

that you find it sexy she can drink more whiskey than you can.

All right, babe.

What? You know what?

You should kiss her.

You should!

I mean, if you're gonna kiss another woman, I should know about it.

Greta.

What? I'm a big girl. I can handle it.

Greta, that's enough.

I've always known who was who.

Just wanted to see that unfold.

Yeah, it's a big moment.

You know, I wasn't really into this whole idea at first,

but I don't know, I'm having fun.

-Thanks. -Someones coming around.

Thank you, man. It's your place.

Thanks again for having me.

And really, thank you so much, Sam, for letting me experience that with Beans.

It was so special for me.

What?

I think it's really gonna help me move on from my crush.

Wait. What is?

Wait, what is what?

What's going to help you move on from your crush?

Being with Beans.

Being with her how?

Come on, Sammy.

[Jay] Dude, Milwaukee.

Oh, right there?

Ow!

I swear, he's never hit anybody in his whole life.

It doesn't feel like he's never hit anyone before.

He was lightning fast.

I'm sorry I broke some stuff. I'm really, really sorry.

It's okay.

Will you get him some ice?

Look at me.

Fucking look at me.

You could have chosen to do as much or as little as you wanted tonight...

and you jump right in and have sex with someone?

What are you trying to do to us?

Nothing.

Nothing. I'm not trying to do anything to us.

I'm on this side of the line...

and I gave into a feeling without thinking about it.

-Because that's what we're allowed to do. -And just wham!

Right into bed with the first guy who asked?

He didn't ask.

Great.

Sam--

Sam, I said yes...

to you.

To you for the rest of my life.

Can you give me this one night?

You know, tonight...

is yours, too.

But it's not about keeping score, or feeling threatened,

or destroying something sacred.

-You know this is harder for me than it is for you. -I know.

-You know that. -I know that.

But I'm not turning my back on you.

I promise.

I'm not turning my back on you.

I promise.

I need this.

All right, listen.

We all made a choice to do something tonight...

and now we have to live with that choice.

Now the easy answer is we all get in our cars and drive off...

and we never talk about this again.

Or we can have some fucking conviction and fucking sort it out.

It's whatever anyone's comfortable with.

Yeah, you see I would argue the opposite.

I would argue that sometimes you have to force yourself

to be uncomfortable in order to grow.

Now you asked me to step across the line tonight, and I did it.

I didn't want to.

But I did. It was the choice that I made.

You made the same choice, Sam.

I know I did.

Now I would feel like a fraud...

if I step back across that line.

Honey, this is just-- It's turning into some "Big Chill" nightmare.

[Will] Yeah, but it doesn't have to.

What do we do?

I don't know.

I'm going to read something.

-You're gonna read something? -Mmm-hmm. I'm gonna read a poem.

A poem that I keep in my wallet.

By Charles Bukowski.

And after I read the poem my hope is that we--

We all keep the promises that we made to one another.

"Your life is your life

"Don't let it be clubbed into dank submission

"Be on the watch

"There are ways out

"There is a light somewhere

"It may not be much light but it beats the darkness

"Be on the watch--"

Fireworks!

[fireworks bursting]

[music playing]

So Caleb, huh?

Yeah.

Interesting guy.

Yeah, it lasted for about a minute.

Mmm-hmm.

I'm already bored.

You know, whatever I found cute and charming about him

at the beginning is... already gone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't have a thing for you.

For the record.

Okay.

-Don't be mad. -I'm not.

I'm not insulted or anything. It's cool.

See now, you gotta-- You gotta make sure you can back that up

'cause that's a little aggressive.

-Oh, I can back it up. -Yeah?

-I can back it up. -Yeah?

Oh, you-- Oh!

See, you gotta be quicker than that.

-Oh, it's getting real now, is it? Okay. -All right, Rocky.

Put 'em up. I'm not gonna hold back.

-No? All right, lemme see what you got. -No.

Okay.

Okay!

Okay.

Okay!

Hey, hey, hey!

Sorry.

-You okay? -Yeah. I'm good.

Hey.

I'm good.

I'm good.

You're gonna be fine.

You're gonna be fine.

Yeah? How about you?

[both laughing]

-I owe you one. -Oh, yeah?

Yeah, let's have some fun.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Hey, slugger!

Thought I might find you here.

Quite the night.

Yeah.

You know, the last time I was here, we were playing Peter Pan and Tinkerbell.

But I probably made you be Tinkerbell.

You probably did.

Sorry.

I remember those guys.

I know.

-I was obsessed with them. -Yes, you were.

You know, they weren't allowed out of my room.

How messed up is that?

As a parent, to not let a kid's toy leave a room.

I thought you were just really anal about where you kept them.

I had one hour after dinner that I was allowed to play with them

and only in my room.

Your mom was always pretty uptight.

Was?

She still is the consummate dictator.

I used to take them out when everyone was asleep.

Like 3:00 in the morning,

and I would show them all the different rooms in the house.

I felt bad they didn't ever get to see anything but one room.

You're gonna make a really good husband, Sam.

[Will] Watch out for the door.

[Chris] Shut up.

[yelps]

Is that tape? Yo, what are you doing?

We're going to war!

Come on. Grab a pillow!

War?

War.

All right.

-You want some of this? -Here, give me that, here.

Jaybert!

Where you at? I'm coming for you!

Whatcha doing here?

I don't know.

Mmm-hmm.

I like that.

-Thanks. -Is that your only one?

Nope.

You have like 20 secret ones?

No!

Whoops.

May I see for real?

Yeah.

I'm not gonna lie, that looks very rudimentary.

It is very rudimentary.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

I'm kinda jealous.

You don't have any?

Mmm-mmm. No, I'm sorta scared of commitment, I think.

And the body is a temple, of course.

Mmm-hmm.

Do you want one?

Yeah.

Yes, on my scapula, please.

Copy that.

Are you a good drawer?

Mmm-hmm.

Should've asked before you got started.

My best friend from childhood gave me mine.

Lotta whiskey and a needle.

It was kind of a messy night.

I bet.

In a good way.

I know those nights.

You know the next morning I woke up feeling...

guilty.

I felt like shit.

I hid it from Sam.

Was he pissed when he saw it finally?

No.

You know what, he really wasn't.

It's funny how we let our minds create something

greater than... what's actually there.

Do you do that?

Yeah.

I bet you have that disease. That... terrible affliction.

That sort of awful--

That sort of awful affliction--

I think it's called being human?

[both exclaiming]

What are you doing over here, you little pervert? What are you doing?

-You're jerking off in front of them? -What? Stop it!

What the hell?

I don't wanna always act like a fucking infant for your entertainment!

Are you mad just 'cause you only lasted ten seconds with your new little girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend, okay? She's not.

She's Sam's fucking fiancée.

Dude, are you serious right now?

Milwaukee.

Fuck, Milwaukee.

Do you believe in past-lives?

-In past-lives! -Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

Do you think--

Do you think maybe we knew each other in a past life?

I don't know, go like this.

Oh, yeah, totally!

It's possible.

It's conceivable.

Might even be probable.

Why, do you think you'd kill me in a past-life?

Probably.

Yeah.

Would explain it.

[panting]

Babe.

Hey!

Are you cleaning again?

You gotta stop cleaning, we're having fun.

You and Chris sounded like you were having fun.

Yeah. Chris is great.

She is. She's a nut, but she's great.

And then Jay fell in the pool and babe, he was so mad.

-Jay's either really upset or really happy. -Honey...

you used to have fun with me, too, right?

What does that even mean, Greta?

What is that?

Greta, what is all this stuff tonight with Chris?

Really?

All right.

There's something about... tonight...

that made me think about--

About being free.

You know being really, really free.

So I wanna tell you something.

Can you, um-- Will you hold my hands?

My mom told me that you should fight holding hands.

That you can only be so mad at someone whose hands you're willing to hold.

Okay.

A few months ago...

when you were at your parents.

I, um--

I spent the night with one of my TA's.

I'm so sorry.

-Just once? -Just the one time.

Ah, fuck, Will. Please stop.

Greta, what? Why are you--

You've already made a fool out of me.

Don't call me stupid on top of it.

I know that you've been fucking her for the three months.

Did you call her after your bad news today?

Did she comfort you?

How much fucking coddling can one man need?

Beans heard you on the phone.

Fuck, you couldn't wait a weekend?

Look, Greta--

I'm sorry, did you think that this would make you the good guy?

Alleviate your guilt somehow?

Because you cannot believe that I didn't already know.

Greta, listen, I'm trying to be honest with you.

[scoffs] Honest?

-Is it hard? -Yeah, it's fucking hard, Greta.

It's fucking hard.

I hate you.

I hate this.

I hate-- I hate it.

Well, I love you, so what are we gonna do?

I, uh--

I kissed Caleb tonight.

I kissed him a lot.

I thought, maybe it would even the playing field

or make me feel vindicated but--

It didn't. You know what it did?

It made me realize something.

I don't want to get even with you.

I want nothing... with you.

[somber music playing]

[sighing] You know, pretty much the entire planet collectively

represses the urge to do what we had the balls to make happen tonight.

Do you believe yourself when you speak?

Or is there just this little voice in your head

that constantly tells you that you're full of shit?

Okay.

-Milwaukee. -Don't say it. I don't want to hear it.

Oh, Sam.

You can't see it right now, but I promise you

tonight is going to help you in the long run.

You know, if you took yourself half as seriously

as people take you, you might let someone in

long enough to realize that partner swapping like a bunch of bored,

perverted suburbanites isn't really the path to a healthy relationship.

I'm sorry, Sam, what did you think tonight was gonna be?

Let's see. I was going to take my girlfriend to the best restaurant in the city.

But instead I turned my vacation home

into Coachella, where my fiancée of two hours

was to then fuck one of my friends.

You're telling me that there's no part of you

that was excited about tonight?

Believe it or not, not every single guy thinks with his dick

and pounces on what's in front of him like a goddamn nature documentary.

One, congratulations on being a fucking unicorn. What's that like?

Two, that won't last, Sam.

You're in this juvenile, pre-wedding, the world is perfect coma,

so just wake up and stop pretending.

Pretending what?

Pretending that you and Beans live in this perfect little world

-and you never want to fuck anyone else! -Fuck off.

[scoffs]

I mean, clearly Beans wanted to.

She wanted to fuck somebody before she sealed the deal with you for life.

At least she's being honest about it.

You're walking around here with this stupid fucking,

"I'm a perfect boyfriend" mask on your stupid fucking face.

I'm so tired of you and your jaded fuckin' attitude.

I'm not jaded.

-I'm realistic. -You're fucking sad.

You're fucking sad, Chris.

You know which couples are the most likely to cheat?

Gay men.

And then, men in straight couples.

And the least likely to cheat?

Gay women. What does that tell you?

Guys fucking cheat!

-Not me. -[scoffs]

You're telling me four years away at Yale you never fucked around on Beans once?

-No, I didn't. -Bullshit.

You fucking know I didn't.

And that doesn't mean that I never thought about being with other women,

it just means I never went through with it.

Congratulations.

No. That weekend that you were in New Haven--

Don't fucking bring that weekend up.

-You don't think I wanted to? -Clearly you didn't.

-I did. I did! -No, you didn't!

If you wanted to fuck me, you would have fucked me. You had me naked on your bed.

[music playing]

[breathing heavily]

Take them off, take them off.

Fuck.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Fuck.

We shouldn't do this. Yeah, I'm fucking serious.

You were right, Sam.

You were right.

Hey.

Hey.

You had to get out of there too, huh?

This cant be it.

Can't be what?

There's, uh--

There's gotta be something better.

Better than what, Will?

Marriage.

Monogamy. All this crap.

Yeah, and open relationships obviously don't work either.

My throbbing forehead is the perfect example of that.

Oh, man.

Polygamy doesn't work.

Monogamy doesn't work.

What the fuck works?

Maybe this is as good as it gets.

You know, I'm always striving for something better and better and better.

But maybe there is no better.

Maybe there is no better.

Yeah, sometimes there is, right? I mean...

what kinda phone you're dealing with, am I right?

Yeah. Yeah.

But I don't know. Some things, they've just stopped improving.

Hmm. Like what?

I don't know.

A level.

A level?

I mean what the fuck is a level, right?

It's a bubble in some liquid and that bubble--

That's been telling us if things are straight for like a hundred years.

People haven't found a better way to figure out

if something's straight or not.

Well, there's other ways.

Yeah.

But people still use levels.

I hear you.

I'm walking across the most massive suspension bridge

somewhere in Argentina or Peru...

the Inca trail!

That's Peru, right?

Yeah.

There are mountains everywhere.

Lots of trees.

Water underneath.

Rocks in the water.

The air is so thick, it's like a leaf milkshake.

I'm standing in the middle, taking it all in when it happens.

Suddenly the bridge just snaps.

Breaks in half and I fall for a long time.

Long enough that it feels like I'm flying.

And then I hit the bottom.

The water and the rocks break my bones and my mind is quiet.

And I am gone.

Jesus.

You.

I am...

in my shop...

and I'm old.

I'm like, really old. Face full of wrinkles and thick glasses.

Neil Young's playing in the background as I'm making like a chair.

My last unfinished piece.

And I have this glorious piece of walnut with all

these knots and grooves and-- You know, the kind of piece

that you run your hand over and you think, "Oh, this is perfection."

And I trip on that same stupid piece of concrete...

and the circ-saw is running, of course, and I trip.

I try to regain my balance, you know...

but I'm too rickety,

I'm too old, my bones are too frail and I fall.

Catch the circ-saw right where it counts,

it cuts my head clean off.

Sure, that's worth every penny...

but he walls of my shed are... splattered in this glorious red.

You're not well in the brain.

Takes one to know one.

What's your real name?

Isabella.

Isabella.

Mmm.

I like that.

[sighs] There you are.

You read my mind.

How's your eye doing?

Smoking this.

Does it hurt?

Yeah.

Not quite as bas as the time you punched me in the third grade, you bitch.

Yeah, well, you deserved that.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

I like it though. It makes you look tough.

-Really? -Yeah.

Listen, Jay, I'm sorry about what I said by the pool.

I shouldn't have teased you about that.

It's okay.

You're my girl.

It's not okay, though.

It was insensitive...

and mean, and I'm sorry.

[sighs deeply]

Did I ever tell you that Spencer Connelly cheated on me?

Are you kidding me? He was like the nicest guy.

Yeah, he was the nicest guy.

Who'd he cheat on you with?

Alison McGee.

[chuckles]

Yeah. It was our three month anniversary.

I'm sorry, Chris.

No, it's okay.

Honestly, I wasn't even mad.

I remember thinking that it must have been my fault.

You know?

'Cause I wanted to wait to have sex.

I mean, whatever, we were 16.

How is a 16-year-old guy supposed to resist a hot girl like Alison McGee?

She was fucking hot.

She was fucking hot.

[sighs]

The, uh--

The guy I was seeing in March...

he was married.

This one time I was blowing him in his car and his fucking kids car seats

were in the back.

But whatever, it's on him, right?

He's the one who's married not me.

You know, I'm really starting to hate myself.

I don't hate you.

You should hate me.

I don't.

I love you.

You're my family.

I love you, too.

That was really fucking weird.

Yeah, that didn't feel good.

Ugh!

Sorry. I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

I don't remember.

I do that all the time.

I'll be doing something that I've done a thousand times

and then all of a sudden I just won't be there.

I mean, I'll be there, but I'll just be running through the motions.

Doesn't happen to me when I'm cooking though.

You hungry?

I'm always hungry.

You wanna make me something?

Nah.

'Course I do.

Um, I'm guessing these are the pots and pans?

These will be those! Yeah.

[indistinct]

[inaudible]

Hi.

Hi.

How's the swim?

Oh, it's excellent.

You okay?

Mmm...

I don't know.

What does that mean?

[exclaiming]

I feel funny right now, Sam.

Why won't you tell me what's in your head?

You afraid?

Probably.

I know.

It's stuff I'm almost certain I'm not supposed to say out loud.

I'm asking you to.

I think-- I think about running away...

about once a week.

I have these thoughts, I don't know whether or not to trust.

And every time I allow myself to go there,

I'm also certain that I want you.

-You're beautiful. -No, I'm not.

I'm not fucking beautiful. I'm ugly.

Okay. You're right. You're ugly.

You're really, really ugly.

You're ugly.

Iz... I love our life.

We can explore anything we want,

we can have everything we want, and still have us.

I'm a maniac, Sam.

Can you live with that?

I want to live with all of that.

Hey.

Hey.

You doing okay?

Yeah.

Did I mess anything up?

No.

No, you didn't mess up anything.

Where did you get that?

I found it in your room. I really like it.

I don't wanna take it off.

I'm sorry, dude.

It's okay.

Are you guys good?

Yeah.

I'd marry him right now if I could.

Well, It's not the wedding I dreamed of when I was seven.

But, it's pretty great.

Did you ever imagine this?

[laughing] No.

Short answer. No.

-I can't believe they still have all this stuff. -I think you look kinda hot!

Do a 360 immediately. Of course you do.

What time's the audition?

For what?

Wow.

We are a picture.

Dude, the gold line.

You look great.

You guys, you guys.

"While you were sleeping."

Who plays Sandra Bullock's husband?

Who do you think?

-Pullman! -Paxton!

Pullman.

Dammit! Dammit!

-You knew. -I knew.

Dearly beloved.

We're gathered here today...

for some reason. Jay, why are we gathered here today?

The grass is always greener.

Look at it.

Acknowledge it.

Play on it if you want to play on it.

Don't play on it if you don't wanna play on it.

But, uh... be honest.

How you run your partnership is ultimately up to you.

But it's going to take you some time to figure it out.

And no matter what journey you decide to take,

just always remember your way home.

Or else, what's the point?

If anyone here can find any reason why these two should not be married,

"Milwaukee" now or forever hold your peace.

Do it!

[all cheering]

[Chris] Get over here.

It'll all be great, man.

Hey.

Hey.

I don't want to hate you.

No, I couldn't think of anything worse.

So I guess...

that's it?

We don't have to wait ten years.

We don't have kids to rip apart.

Yeah, I know, you're right.

You know, I want to be able to see you and know that

we haven't reached the hate part yet.

Yeah, I'd want that, too.

Okay.

♪ Crowds are buzzing birds in need to crumble at the feet of what I see ♪

♪ Thinking faster than your car We fall to see how high we really are ♪

♪ Call me innocent

♪ 'Cause I'm still without a name ♪

♪ We're handing out miracles and we're digging up the dead ♪

♪ We're handing out miracles and we're digging up the dead ♪

♪ And we're jumping over buildings now ♪

♪ And we're jumping over buildings now ♪

♪ And we're jumping over buildings now ♪

♪ And we're jumping over buildings now ♪

♪ And don't you dare look now there's a teenager on the prowl ♪

♪ And I'd scream if I knew how

♪ And don't you dare look now there's a teenager on the prowl ♪

♪ And I'd scream if I knew how

♪ And call me innocent

♪ 'Cause I'm still without a name ♪

♪ We're handing out miracles and we're digging up the dead ♪

♪ We're handing out miracles and we're digging up the dead ♪

♪ With these razor sharp instruments, raping every womb ♪

♪ We knock out the sun and we race to find a new one ♪

♪ And we're handing out miracles and we're digging up the dead ♪

♪ And call me innocent

♪ 'Cause I'm still without a name ♪

♪ We're handing out miracles and we're digging up the dead ♪

♪ We're handing out miracles and we're digging up the dead ♪

♪ We're handing out miracles and we're digging up the dead ♪