Original subtitles

[Woman SOBS hysterically]

Shit, he's dead!

I've killed him!

[SOBBING]

[Drum beats louder]

[Woman SCREAMS]

What the hell is that thing?

[Man HOWLS]

[Woman SCREAMS]

[Music intensifies]

[Soft music]

Celena, have you seen Turbo?

Celena, have you packed him?

For God's sake, I'm looking for it!

Can't have lost him.

Of all the weekends to go away

you choose the one before we're moving house.

We've already been through this Celena.

OK. Just so I can get this straight.

You are gonna drive 150 miles

to see a bloke

that hasn't contacted you in over ten years.

It's not a bloke, it's Timmy.

OK, well whatever his big secret is,

could he not have just told you

on the phone like a normal person?

Sounds like he's been

having a rough time.

So have you, Dani!

[Gentle music playing]

Maybe it'll help.

Help what?

Spend some time apart.

[Sighs] You know what, Dani,

you take all the time you need.

[Door closes]

[Music playing]

Don't fall down a mountain

or get murdered.

Love you.

[Door slams]

[Music playing]

[Phone vibrates]

-TORY CUNT! -POSH TWAT!

[Car horn BEEPS] [Engine REVS]

[Horse in distress]

Are you both okay?

Woah! yeah, we're fine.

I don't understand some people

They're just idiots!

They're all the same.

Sure you're okay?

Yeah, we'll be all right.

Till the next time.

Well, be safe.

[Music]

[Soft hum of electric vehicle]

[Birds tweet]

[Squeaky door opens]

Hello?

Hello?

Oh!

Sorry! Oh my God, sorry.

-I didn't realise anyone was in here. -Are you lost?

- Er yeah, I guess, is this the - Girl's dorm!

Sorry!

Are you hiking this weekend?

Yeah, erm...

supposed to be meeting some friends,

but they haven't arrived yet.

I'm meant to be here with my fiancé,

but er... long story.

Hmm

Dani.

Erin.

[Awkward silence]

Well, I'll erm...

go find the...

boy's dorm...

the mixed dorm.

[Laughs]

[Bell chime music]

[Music turns eerie]

Sighting?

Sorry!

[Deep voice] Dickhead.

-Aw yes! -Oy man... [indistinct]

[Music builds]

Did he just nick my Space Raiders?

Erm, yeah, I think so.

[Tut] Little shit.

Quite a big shit, actually.

Sign here.

£500 charge if you lose that.

£500?

Make sure that door stays locked.

Right. I will.

Dorms are that way.

Thanks.

Oh, do you have any WiFi?

No.

[Phone vibrating]

"Celena" Hey Hugo.

Hey, what you up to this weekend?

Oh, not a lot. Just packing!

Did Dani go to his thing in the end?

His reunion thing?

[Tut] Yep. Yes he did.

Alright for some huh?

I know.

Well, if you are bored

and you wanna, I dunno...

Just chat or...

we could do some work or something?

Just let me know, yeah?

OK. Thanks, Hugo.

Anytime.

Catch you in a bit yeah?

Bye.

[Sinister music]

[Bed creaks]

Oh, shit!

Not again.

Sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here.

[Sniffs deeply]

Hi.

[Sinister music continues]

OK.

[Music crescendo then stops]

Dandada.

Dandelino!

-Sian is believing. -You made it.

Is Timmy here?

I haven't seen anyone yet.

I can't get through to him on the phone.

Sounds like Timmy.

Do you have any idea what this is about

and why we're here?

I was hoping you'd tell me that.

So, how are you and Celena anyway?

I didn't know you drove a van.

I don't.

Usually.

ARTILLARY FIRE INCOMING!

[Bangs loudly]

Take cover!

You bell end.

[Off screen sniggers]

Dani.

Cadi.

-Good? -Yeah, I'm all right.

[Indistinct mumbling, beer can opens]

Stop noshing each other off.

Let's go get a pint.

Same old Cadi.

[Distant ravens caw]

I've got to drive later so should only have one really.

-Hello ladies. -What would you like, then?

-Bollocks to this. -I ain't wearing this.

What you reckon?

Timmy's patient zero and that's what the big secret is.

[Laughs]

Out of all of us,

he's definitely the one that would chow down on a bat.

Come on ya pair of lightweights, get it down ya.

I'll get next round in, same again yeah?

-Yeah right. -Can't we enjoy a beer, fucking hell.

Oh, you know what Cadi's like.

[Intriguing music]

Is that someone under the bridge?

Yeah.

Freaky fucker though.

[Off screen] Before you cross the bridge to Wales

you have to make a sacrifice to Cythraul.

The bridge outside?

Yeah.

-Right. -Did you not make a sacrifice

before you crossed the bridge?

What kind of sacrifice?

[Creepy music]

Your soul.

[Laughs uncontrollably]

Drink?

No, our friend's got us covered.

Cythraul?

Hey guys, it's been a while.

There's no luxury spa for me in this video because

I'm staying in a hostel!

Yes, you did hear that correctly.

If you thought Covid was bad

check this out.

Hiya!

Wish me luck.

You know, I'm actually a bit nervous, are you?

It's been a long time. Look.

Oh god, we look so young.

[Sigh] Well, my mum's got Saffy this weekend,

and the restaurant's closed for a refurb,

so I'm going to make the most of this.

Come on.

Let's hit the pub.

Ready?

Ready.

Let's do this.

Plenty more coming.

Erin.

Dani. Hi.

Can I get you a drink?

I'm good thank you.

I don't drink, actually.

Obviously, other than water else I'd die.

OK.

What can I get for you, love?

Erm, we're fine, thanks.

Something for the wife.

Er no, she's not my wife.

Dirty weekend.

No.

Just some water, please.

Blimey. Cheap date you pair aint ya.

[Phone pings]

So, erm, where are you from?

London. And you?

Well, I was born in Scotland,

my mother's French,

my father's Hawaiian, and I live in Oxford.

Sorry. Full disclosure.

[Laughs]

Enjoy your waters.

Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.

Excuse me, I've just got to go and see

if I can get some phone reception.

Good luck with that!

[Gentle music]

OK.

Bollocks!

Guys, look who I found loitering outside.

Hiya!

-Chrissy! -[Laughs]

How you doing? You made it.

-I'm good Sian, how are you? -Good to see you.

Probably shouldn't hug.

Bloody knew you lot would be in here.

With Cadi, it's obligatory, isn't it?

Evie.

You look good.

Sian didn't tell me that you were coming.

Well...

Surprise! [Laughs]

And look at you all, none of you have changed one bit.

-Oh I don't know about that. -[Pats tummy]

You look in great shape Dani.

Can't be easy with kids?

Excuse me, erm...

I just need to go to the toilet.

What did I say?

Honest mistake Evie, don't worry.

What do you mean?

Ooh, did you see Drystan's filming around here?

You still talk to him?

He comes into the restaurant sometimes

with Ewan McGregor.

Bloody hell!

I did tell him we were meeting for the weekend,

but, actually I'm not sure he can make it to be honest.

I think he might be too busy.

Too busy to rub shoulders

with the likes of us, you mean?

[Phone pings]

Oh, speak of the devil.

Timmy, with yet more

mysterious text messages.

Have you all got signal?

Yeah, two bars mate.

Cadi, what do these mean?

It's OS coordinates for a GPS map.

Blimey, I feel like I'm in the flipping Goonies.

There you go.

Looks like he wants to meet us at...

Black Hill tomorrow.

Well, well, well.

The plot thickens. [Laughs]

That place is supposed to be cursed.

-[Creepy voice] -The hills have eyes!

Oh, don't, Cadi.

I do hope he hasn't taken up

Satan worshipping an all.

Wouldn't be surprised with Timmy.

You must be thirsty, I would imagine.

-Yes! -Parched.

Sauvignon blanc?

Ah, you remembered.

-Same? -Same please.

-Right, soda or straight up? -It's been a long drive.

Look at the size of those glasses!

[Music over Indistinct mumbling]

[Sentimental music]

There you are!

[Laughter gives way to crying]

Guys, I need to do this video quickly.

So, this is my luxury

accommodation for the weekend.

What do you think, guys?

Nice.

Nightcap?

Yes, please.

Go on then.

Has anyone seen a plug socket anywhere?

Try under your bed.

Hey this reminds me of drama camp,

Do you remember that?

Oh, my God.

♪ Put on your walking boots.

♪ We're going round Jericho

♪ [Together] left, right, left, right, left, right,

♪ left, right, left, right, left, right,

♪ left, right,

♪ we're going round Jericho.

[Off screen] Guys!

Do you mind if I just get some sleep?

I'm still a bit jet-lagged.

[Owl Hoots]

What was that?

What?

There's something outside.

What is it?

Could be an owl.

Owl?

Weirdest fucking owl I've ever seen.

[Sinister music]

[Rubbing]

You got what you need there, mate?

-[Strong European accent] -I have...

same jacket.

It's so warm, isn't it?

I was actually given it

by one of my sponsors

when I was creating content in the fjords.

Yeah, it's beautiful there.

Have you ever...

[Rubbing]

Been?

[Nervously] Erm...

Think I'm gonna brush my teggies.

Right, early start tomorrow, guys.

Bang that light out for me Cads.

Night, night, children.

Night, Cadi.

Sian.

[Snoring]

Great.

Hey, mate!

Have you got any phone reception here?

[Grunts and moans]

[Gentle music and Snoring]

[Phone vibrates]

[Owl hoots]

What happened to Owl man?

Owl man?

Yeah, you know.

Weirdy-beardy guy

looks like an owl that's flown into a window.

He fucked off well before I got up

and I was up at 0500.

Hoorah!

Ooh Chrissy,

can you take a picture please?

Sure. Whereabouts?

Just over there.

Shit!

You alright, mate?

I can't find any signal.

I need to text Celena.

[Indistinct youths voices]

You got a problem, dickhead?

No, sorry.

Turn round then, you prick.

Excuse me.

You heard, nobhead.

-[ECHOES] TORY CUNT! -POSH TWAT!

Did you throw a milkshake

at a horse yesterday?

Why don't ya all just

piss off back home, yeah?

Yeah, it was you.

I saw you driving off.

Are you like deaf or something?

Cos we don't know what

you're talking about, mate.

Yeah, so fuck off you CUNT!

D'ya think I'm scared of you

you FUCKING wanker!

How about we all, take a chill pill, eh?

You wanna slap?

Listen,

why don't you go and do something productive with your lives?

Who's this bald twat then, hm?

This your boyfriend or something? [Sniggers]

Alright, kid, you've had your fun.

Now it's time for you to jog on.

There's a good little boy.

Go on babe. Let's go.

Go on. Bye.

Yeah.

[Radio] With Covid restrictions now being eased,

it seems Britain is bouncing back with

bars and restaurants starting to fill up.

But what are you most looking forward to - Morning Turbo

now lock down has been lifted.

We'd love to hear your thoughts

Send texts now...

Have you been to Chris's restaurant guys? It's amazing.

You're all welcome any time.

Thanks. Take you up on that.

Oh, my God, that is beautiful, isn't it?

Did an online foraging course during lockdown.

I foraged in Greg's Skip once.

Bad days, that was.

Shut up, Cadi.

So are there lots of edible mushrooms around here?

Apparently there's loads.

I did a bit of research before I came.

Yeah, keep your eyes peeled because

Morell's go for over a grand a kilo.

You're kidding!

-How much, a grand? -Yeah

Mushrooms are fucking disgusting.

Nice sautéed with a bit of butter though

On some sourdough bread.

Mmm, bit of garlic.

-Black pepper. -Stop it!

Is that those fucking yobs again?

[Car horn beeping]

I think that's...

Ram Richards.

[Bombastic music]

-[Gasp] -You're fucking right.

Friends, Romans, countrymen,

lend me your "beers"!

[RADIO] And finally, no stranger to controversy

Chosen Child star Ram Richards

has lost his court battle

with Alex DeSantos

over allegations of stalking.

Richards, better known as Captain Starmax,

is currently filming

a Power-Pups sequel in the UK

and is said to be

weighing up a possible appeal.

Good old Captain Starmax back in Blighty.

-Little known fact for you... -Radio off.

Ram Richards, real name is actually...

[Radio turns off]

(Reflective music)

Drystan! You made it!

How are y... ow!

How are you?

Do you really think I'd miss this?

Aw!

How's it going, guys?

Sian, doing well?

-Hollywood! -Cadi.

-Good to see you, mate. -How's it going?

So, where's Timmy?

We're meeting him up there.

OK, nice.

Oh, everyone,

this is Pryce.

Come on, don't be shy.

Say hello, Prycey.

Hey.

Hi, Pryce.

Pryce is helping me

with a bit of a project.

Ooh, sounds exciting.

Mm-hm.

So, what kind of project?

Well it's...

It's top secret.

[Chuckles]

Shall we?

I swear I know that guy, man.

Ram, fucking Richards.

Captain Star-twat.

That guy is rich, bro.

[Vaping breath]

[Uplifting music]

Feels like we've never been apart, guys.

Actors' workshop crew.

Ride or die, motherFUCKERS!

Pew, pew, pew! [Laughs]

Such a shame that it had to close down.

I miss the workshop.

You're still performing aren't you Sian?

No. Not since class.

Man, you should totally get back into it

you were good.

I don't think so.

Yo Hollywood,

couldn't you have brought Margot Robbie with you?

No offense pal.

None taken.

-[Off Screen] -More mushrooms Chris?

Make anything with these?

Well, there's a few around my area,

so I don't think I'll bother.

Aw!

Look at that grin.

Must be the new fella.

[Chuckles]

Certainly keen.

OK, press record. Ready?

And action.

So, after surviving my first night,

I'm on

top of the world!

How was that?

Marvellous.

[Reflective music]

Thank you.

X marks the spot.

Still no Timmy.

[Nervous] Erm...

Oh my God, is that a sheep skull?

Oh, that's gross.

There's something carved in it.

It's that star thing.

Pentagram

Well, Pryce is your man

for the local legends.

Mm.

The famed fable of Jack the Wizard

and the Devil's Bridge.

No, I'm alright, Hollywood.

[Wind whistles]

Sorry, do you mind not taking any pictures, please?

I wasn't filming Ram.

It's OK Evie, I know.

Look, actually, guys,

I don't mean to sound like a tosser,

if you've quite finished,

Do you mind popping your phones in here for me, please?

-What? -Eh?

I need my phone.

Thank you, Chrissy.

There's Tim. Bloody hell.

He's put the coordinates in wrong.

Guys, come on.

They'll be safe in here with me.

Promise.

Yeah, my agent would be

kind of pissed if she knew I was here.

We just need to protect Ram

from any... unwanted publicity.

I'm sure you understand.

Can't get any signal anyway.

Thanks, man.

Not a chance.

Just no selfies please.

I love you guys.

[Ravens squawking]

You reckon that really was

the guy from that dog film?

Fuck's sake, Dutch.

You twats are proper fucking boring.

How about a threesome Lex?

Fucking you'd be like

fucking a primary school kid.

[Sniggers]

We should follow him.

Yeah, man.

And rob all his shit.

Yeah.

And I might get a selfie too.

Was a bit grim wasn't it?

Yeah, very.

Oh, my God, Ram Richards.

Ram Richards? Ram Richards?

Captain Starmax?

Social distancing, please.

Ram, I've watched all your movies.

Got them all on DVD and Blu-Ray.

Can we just ask, no social media please?

That bit where your

son's dying in your arms.

I was in bits.

My husband, well he's my ex-husband now,

was like Tash ya daft cow,

what are you crying for?

And I was like, shut up Keith

"his babby's DEAD!"

And he was like,

it's just a bloody film Tash,

I was like, I know it's a bloody film but it's bloody sad, isn't it?

-We're gonna go now. -Can I have that?

No!

Aw bless!

[Background] My favourite, though,

has got to be, Power-Pups.

Bloody love that film.

You can tell a lot about a man,

by the way he treats his dog.

OK, ladies, thank you.

Yeah, we've got to go now.

Just polite reminder,

no social media, please.

Sorry, me waffling on,

I'll let you get on with your little walk, Ram Richards.

Bye, Ram Richards!

-Stop now come on. -Oh, my God.

Hey, hey!

[Fake accent] So long, Captain Starmax,

I'll be seeing you!

Yeah. Good one.

Is she still fucking tailing us?

I've had a lot worse than that, mate.

There was this one woman,

who used to do portraits of me

using her own menstrual fluid.

Wow!

The most recent one's been sending things

through to Ram's agent,

we can't quite say how we know,

but we're pretty sure...

they've got ginger pubes.

Oh my God!

Why do you think I'm leaving the States?

Don't worry, Captain Starbuck.

I'll look after you this weekend.

Come on, double time.

Left, right, left, right, left, right,

[Military music], left, right, left, right.

♪ We're going round Jericho

Left, right, left, right.

LEFT, RIGHT, COME ON!

Let's push it!

Let's lose em!

Come on, she ain't gonna catch up is she?

Left, right, left, right, left, right!

[Spluttering] Ram!

[Coughing and convulsions] Ram!

[Jovial music]

There you go.

Ooh, what are they?

Wait up, guys!

[Background] You do know

where you're going, right, Cadi?

Oh, you bell end.

-You've got the map the wrong way round. -[Laughs]

Need to be heading up there.

[Sinister music]

Er...

Guys...

That's mine.

What?

That's my bra. It was given to me

by one of my sponsors.

OK, this isn't funny anymore.

[Ravens caw]

Are you FAMOUS, mate?

You were in that dog film, weren't ya?

OY PUSSY HOLE!

Aw, that film was proper SHIT, mate.

It's fucking WANK.

SHIT, you pussy clart man.

Yo!

Is that watch real?

Listen, why don't you lot just fuck off?

Touch me, brev!

Fucking make us, granddad.

We don't want any trouble, right.

These are our woods, YEAH!

Yeah, our fucking woods.

It's alright. We're leaving.

Oy, lanky twat, was she talking to you?

No, shut the FUCK UP!

Back off, kid.

Seriously, who do you remind me of?

KEVIN!

[Stifled laughs]

You're gonna regret that.

-Cadi, they're not worth it. -Come on.

-[Gasps] -Oh, my God, he's got a knife!

I've always wanted to say this.

That's a knife.

We past your bedtime, Kevin?

Low it Cailan.

Watch... your BACK,

dickhead!

[Ravens caw]

Why don't you lot

just FUCK OFF home hey?

Don't worry about "Home alone".

I've had tougher wanks than him.

[Door bell - DING DONG]

Sorry, I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

I'm just avoiding packing, really.

Great.

Chinese.

Came prepared, look.

And... chicken balls and chips,

your favourite.

You know me too well.

I'm obviously too predictable.

Is it too early?

[Laughs]

That's a no, then.

Oh, my God, that is beautiful.

Look at this place.

[Majestic music]

I forgot my trunks.

-Oof! -Ooh nearly!

Yes, mate.

Whoa! [Laughs]

Come on, you Jessies, it's warm!

[Gasping from the cold]

[Splashing, screaming, laughter]

Evie, watch out for the sticklebacks!

[Hearty laughs]

[SCREAM]

[PANIC]

TOBI!

[Hysterical crying]

I've got him, I'VE GOT HIM!

[LAUGHTER]

STOP IT, Cadi!

You've messed up my hair Cadi!

You haven't even got your hair wet!

Oh look, I've broke my flip flops now!

[LAUGHTER]

Dani,

look who I found scurrying around the bushes.

-Dani! -Oh my God, look, it's Timmy, TIMMY!

ALRIGHT TIMMY?

Hi, Timmy.

About time.

Bit cold in there, Cadi?

About fucking time, Timmy!

Before he went in prison, my dad used to

live on a farm just over that hill.

Beautiful here, innit?

So you gonna tell us what this is all about then?

What's with all the clues?

Did you have to burn my bra, Tim?

Er... Erm...

Right.

Erm...

[Exhales]

Where do I start?

Where do I start? Erm...

So, my dad died about two months ago.

Oh shit, sorry mate.

Oh my God, Timmy, I'm so sorry.

Yeah man, that's awful.

Is that...?

-I just, er... -I needed to, erm...

"Cadi" Come on you lot, stop pissing around. Where are they?

I'm sorry, yeah. I'm sorry.

It's alright.

There's no rush. Yeah?

I mean,

we've only been waiting 12 hours, Dani, but...

Erm... Yeah, well,

it's probably easier if I just show you.

Er... I can take you there now.

Put your phone in the box, please.

This is Pryce Winters.

He's a personal friend of mine and an

incredibly talented screenwriter.

Guilty as charged.

[Kooky music]

Fucking kids have nicked me kecks!

[Laughs]

Oh, Cadi.

This place is a bit haunted for me.

[Reflective music]

Back when I was a kid,

we came on holiday here.

Caravan club.

I told my dad I got into drama school.

[Punch] Drama's for puffs, he said.

Oh, shit mate.

I got used to it to be honest.

The only time I ever really felt safe...

or happy...

was with you lot at Workshop.

Sodding kids.

Oh, Cadi.

Maybe we should call the police.

No, I'll find em, little ferrets.

You rock it well, Cads.

Suits you.

[Majestic music]

Look at that view.

We should all do this again sometime.

Guys... it is good to be home.

So, is Dani having a nice time?

I have no idea.

He's not been in touch?

He's obviously having too much fun.

Well, maybe we should do the same.

Hm

Here we go. Have your glass.

OK. Thank you.

Do you think we'll be able to tempt Tanya Tyrell to the dark side?

Yeah, I think we can

definitely make her a tempting offer.

Well, in terms of publishers,

we're a good fit, aren't we?

Yeah, a tight fit.

A tight fit?

[Sniggers]

Interesting choice of words.

What you got?

Sweet! These are magic.

-Really? -Yeah.

Magic mushroom?

-[Sniggers] -Hmm!

Shit!

I haven't texted Celena.

I can't get any bloody signal up here.

How is married life?

Got a kid, haven't you?

Must be about a teenager by now.

My son would've been eight this October.

[Sentimental music]

-Man, I am so sorry. -It's alright. It's fine.

We only found out when Sian told us.

If it was my saffy,

I don't know what I'd do. I just...

I'm so sorry.

Listen.

Dani.

I don't know what happened, but...

you are a good man.

[Music builds]

Oh, gosh, look at those.

They're beautiful.

I fucking hate mushrooms.

It's dripping.

Aww!

Oh God, that's rank.

Oh, Howdy cowboy!

-Howdy cowgirl. -Hey Erin! Erm...

Did you see some yobs

go by here recently?

Yeah, I went past two guys

and a girl in track suits.

-Yeah, that's them. -Little bastards.

You wait till I get hold of them.

[Awkward laugh]

So, er, where are you headed?

Oh I'm just gonna head back

and grab a shower.

Not smelling too fresh, so...

Yeah.

I... I mean, er, you don't smell.

Well, you smell... great!

[Awkward laugh]

Guys, er, where are we heading?

Er...

That way.

How are things, then, with Dani?

[Sighs] Dani is just... Dani.

Well, maybe it'll do you some good,

having some time apart,

and you can just...

think about what you really want.

Mm.

-You know, I'm... -I'm always here.

Thanks, Hugo.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

Celena wanted us to do

couples counselling.

My head wasn't in the right

place for it, I don't think.

There's a lot of blame going around.

For what?

Well... I blamed her

for not being able to swim, and she blamed me for everything else.

-OK, yeah. -Not being able to swim

is kind of a deal-breaker.

Sorry, that must sound really weird.

Hungry?

Yeah, starving, actually.

Sharing's caring!

Erm...

I'm clean, don't worry.

I don't know about that.

The shower's definitely calling Erin.

Uh! Cheeky git.

It is a cute photo.

Hm.

What was he like?

[Exhales]

-He was just the most... -amazing,

funny,

just loving little boy.

Sorry.

-[Whistles] -And there it goes.

Phew!

What made you and Celena

want to try counselling?

[Sentimental music]

I er...

-We lost our son... -in an accident.

-God, Dani, that's... -It's all right. Er...

Shit happens.

I know, like, I will never be able to

understand what you've been through.

I do know that you are a strong,

talented...

beautiful woman.

My sister, Emmy.

She was a student, and

it's ironic, really.

Spent the majority of her medical degree

in the hospital as a patient.

-Oh, oh, er... -Shit, I'm sorry.

At least it wasn't the red.

Mm.

Once...

I erm...

I locked myself in my car, in our garage.

Hose pipe,

coiled in my lap.

And then I remembered...

I've got an electric car.

[Laughs]

Keep smiling, Dani.

It's nearly ready, guys.

Mmm, smells delish.

Where's Dani?

Back up there with that bird.

What you making?

Wild mushroom risotto.

Friday's special.

I've got some "special" mushrooms here

if anyone wants any.

I fucking hate mushrooms.

Well, pick them out then, Cadi.

Well, if anyone wants any,

I'm just gonna place them just over here,

just in case anybody changes their mind.

[Distant mumbled voices]

[Sinister music]

That's what it's about.

I want that fucking watch.

We're gonna get it Dutch, don't you worry.

I've got an idea.

Wait here.

The fuck's she going?

Dani, where's your lady friend, man?

I need my phone, please.

Yeah, it's just that we all agreed

-that we weren't gonna be using our phone. -Seriously,

I'm getting sick of this shit.

Give him his bloody phone back It's getting ridiculous.

I know you're used to calling all the shots "Drystan"

but I'm sorry, we're not in Hollywood now.

-Alright love, calm down. -PISS OFF.

And I'm not your love,

so don't TELL me to calm down!

-What's going on? -Is everything alright?

I don't give a shit who you are.

Just give him his FUCKING phone back.

Guys... we're not trying to be awkward.

NOW!

Listen, Evie, we're not

-trying to upset anyone, OK? -Do not fuck with me!

[Distant rolling thunder]

What the fuck are they doing?

Just give it some time.

No, you fucking didn't?

[Sniggers]

-So how's your grandma doing? -[Italian accent] She is in hospital

When's the scan? Franco? Franco?

-I said... -[signal breaking up]

Yeah well let me know what they say, OK?

I miss you a more.

Ahh, I miss talking to you too.

I'm excited to be with you.

I know, I'm so excited to see you.

I want you so badly.

Oh... that's hot, babe.

I need you to send me wire, Chrissy.

Sorry, you need what?

To send me wire, Chrissy.

What do you need, Franco?

Franco?

Do you mind?

Yeah OK, just...

Alright.

[Reflective music]

We did it.

[Sighs]

"Dani" Thanks, Chrissy.

It looks lovely.

Cheers, this looks amazing.

"Evie" Oh, thanks OrlyPie

Yes, here is where

I'm going to get my massage later.

Yes, I hope there's a happy ending too.

"Sian" So come on, Timmy.

What is it you're going to show us?

Oh, well, now that we're all here, ooh!

"Evie" Say hello, Pryce.

Hey, Evie and your lovely followers.

I don't mean to be difficult, but why

don't we put our phones away

and enjoy this wonderful countryside?

Ooh, PixieLou seven, don't be mean.

I quite like his hair like that.

I'm not telling him that [Laughs].

Oh, for fuck's sake!

You know what? Whatever.

Thank you.

"Cadi" I know. How about a little game of

spin the bottle?

Cadi, we're not 15 anymore.

OK, truth or dare then?

OK, truth.

Timmy, can you explain

what the fuck's going on?

So here... here goes.

So...

the Actor's Workshop closed down

when the studio burnt down.

They reckon it were druggies.

"Chrissy" That was so awful.

Go on, Timmy.

I broke in

and then...

I torched it.

"Sian" What?

My mum was in hospital.

My dad was in prison again!

I was angry, I needed money.

You all could have been something.

You all could have had careers like Ram,

especially you, Sian.

I'm sorry I messed it all up.

I'm sorry I couldn't

confess it until now.

I completely understand

if you can't forgive me.

Well... I appreciate you telling us.

Yeah.

We all make mistakes.

I mean, it's a pretty

huge fucking mistake.

But, it's all good, mate.

Yeah.

We forgive you Tim.

Couldn't you have told us all this on FaceTime?

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

I think my dad buried

something in these woods.

-[Chuckle] -So, we are like the Goonies.

HEY YOU GUYS!

[Laughs]

Seriously, I'm not joking.

It's OK, Timmy. I believe you.

If you just let me finish my risotto,

I'll go help you dig.

OK then.

Well, well, well.

Timmy the little outlaw.

I guess I'm just a chip off the old block.

No mate.

OK. Truth.

Evie.

Who's the better kisser?

Cadi or Sian?

I never kissed Sian.

Don't lie.

-"Chrissy" OK. -Whose turn is it next?

Drystan.

I've got it.

Let's do... a past life regression.

Can you really regress us?

Let's find out, shall we?

Ooh, sounds amazing!

"Cadi" Sounds like a load of bollocks!

[Laughs]

"Cailan" What the fuck are they doing?

Shh, I'm trying to listen you moron.

Now that you're all sitting

nice and relaxed,

slowly breathe in to the count of four,

and slowly breathe out

to the count of five.

With each breath,

you drift deeper... and deeper.

Breathe in...

and out.

With each breath,

as you listen to my voice,

you drift deeper... and deeper.

Now picture roots

growing from the soles of your feet.

For this...

is a magic forest,

where many miraculous matters

may materialize.

Peeking out through the trees

is your spirit guide,

follow it

wherever it may lead you.

[Mystical music]

Now you see a doorway

in the centre of a tree.

You open it

and go down the stairs.

Down.

Down.

Down.

[Something running]

Shh.

There is nothing to be afraid of.

You now find yourself

in a different time,

in a different place.

What can you hear?

[Horse snort]

What can you see?

[Horse whinnies]

[Hooves]

[Struggling]

[Epic music]

[Choking]

[Swords clanking]

[Screams]

[Charging]

[Battling]

"Ram" [whisper] What is left unfinished?

Cadi!

NO!

-"Ram" [whisper] -What is left undone?

Now, as you listen to my voice,

you can travel through time and space

back to the present.

On the count of ten, I'll bring you back.

Ten, nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four,

three, two, one.

Whenever you're ready,

you may open your eyes.

"Sian" That was fucking mental.

Did fuck all for me.

[Snickers]

That was weird.

-Thanks for sharing Dani. -Anyone else?

There's someone in the woods?

"Ram" Feels real, right?

I feel like I need a pint.

Evie, did you hear that?

[Strange music]

I feel "really" good.

Yeah.

So do I.

Fuck this.

Fucking hippies!

Guys!

Maybe we should all stick together.

It's okay, Chrissy.

Pryce will keep an eye on him.

Yeah.

I got you.

-It's all right, Chrissy. -I'll go get him.

[Laughing]

I feel s... strange.

[Background laughing]

Oh, shit!

CADI!

Guys!

I think we have a problem.

"Evie" Houston, we have a problem.

"Sian" I got 99 problems,

but a bitch ain't one [laughs]

Guys, I think we might be high.

[Breathing heavily]

Oh my God. Cadi!,

stop messing about.

[Sighs]

[Mystical music]

[SCREAM]

BUSH! Did you see it?

Anyone, did you see? BUSH!

-Now, now, Chrissy. -Don't panic.

But I think we might be tripping.

What? These are legs!

-"Ram" Yeah, they are. -You got two of em.

Come on, Pryce.

Let's go find Dani and Cadi.

Oh man, I didn't sign up for this.

No, but it's a pretty cool plot twist.

Guys, these are my legs!

Look at my legs, isn't this incredible?

Yeah, let's get em going.

Left, right, left, right, left...

Guys, who's going to help me dig?

[Mystical music]

[Child giggling]

What the...

[Tense music]

[Growling]

[Hissing]

My knife!

Do you know the story of Jack the Wizard

and the Devil's Bridge?

Jack begged the Devil to build a bridge

from the land of the Engles

to the kingdom of the Celts,

but the Devil apprised.

If I build you this bridge,

then you will sacrifice unto me

the first soul that crosses,

for I am... Cythraul!

[Growling]

But Jack was a clever man,

and he threw a bone across the bridge,

and his dog went to get it.

Not quite the soul the demon

was looking for.

And that made the Cythraul mad,

and she devoured Jack's soul too,

entombing it in the bridge's stones.

Forever!

Oh, poor doggy!

Are you lost?

It's OK.

It's OK!

Can't hide from me, I'll find ya!

-Come here ya little crowbag, show y... -[WHACK]

Whoa.

Wait, please!

NO, STOP, WAIT!

RAM!

-Hey guys there's a castle over here! -Ram!

You've got a tiny head.

[Muffled screams]

[Child howls]

[Melancholic music]

Where did you bury it, you old BASTARD?

"Evie" You know Timmy's birthday.

We must have been, like, 17 or something.

Why didn't you kiss me?

You're going way back there, mate.

Hey, don't cry.

I'm not crying.

-[Italian accent] -Ciao Christina,

it's Franco, listen...

my nonna's medicine

will now cost $42,000!

Please

I desperate!

I can borrow?

Per favore!

You send to my bank again.

Aargh!

Just...

stop.

[Sighs]

You didn't come to me funeral.

You ungrateful little SHIT!

Hey.

Hey, Pryce.

You all right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

What are you looking for, soft lad?

Where did you get that?

Give it here.

No.

What did you just say?

I said, NO!

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

You don't get to hurt me anymore.

NEVER AGAIN.

Well, well, well.

Look what the little boy's grown into hey.

Fuck you!

That's my boy.

I had feelings for someone else.

Who?

Cadi.

It was Cadi.

Did you ever tell him?

You know that voice, in your head.

Do you ever wish it'd just shut up?

"Cadi" YOU TWO AT IT AGAIN!

Fucking history repeating itself Sian.

-Cadi, what happened to your head? -You've hit your head.

FUCKER!

I TOURED HALF WAY ACROSS THE FUCKING WORLD BECAUSE OF YOU!

-Get off him! -YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR AN ALL!

GET OFF HIM!

Cadi.

Cadi, wake up.

-Cadi! -Wake up!

CADI!

Cadi wake up.

CADI!

Oh shit, he's dead.

I've killed him.

[Hollow thud]

[Frenetic digging]

[Wondrous music]

Fucking bastard.

Oh my God!

I should get knocked out more often.

"Timmy" GUYS, guys, I found it!

What the fuck, Timmy?

You look like you've seen a ghost!

[Sombre music]

[Muttering]

[Rushing water]

"Celena" TOBI!

Tobi!

TOBI!

[Muffled spluttering]

Stay with me.

You're OK.

[Hysterical]

Calm down, Celena, calm down.

I've got him. I'VE GOT HIM!

Is he breathing?

Celena, go and get your phone.

Go and get your phone.

Call the ambulance.

CELENA!

AMBULANCE!

Breathe, breathe.

Please.

[Gasp]

He looks blue!

[Crying]

Baby!

[Child howling]

Tobi.

You've come back to me.

Why did you leave me?

No, NO, STAY!

Don't leave me, please.

TOBI!

[Child Howls]

[RAGE]

[HOWLS]

[Sobbing]

[Majestic music]

"Ram" It just makes you realize how...

small we are,

doesn't it?

Just starlight harvesting,

star matter.

"Ram" Amen, brother.

[Gasps]

Wow!

No, no, no, no.

It was here. I swear it was here!

If you say so, Timmy.

No, I'm telling the truth, honestly!

Look, Timmy, I think...

you've brought us all out here,

you spiked us with mushrooms and now...

Can we just leave this treasure shit.

-I didn't, I promise! -Guys.

I need the toilet.

Oh, shit.

A number two?

Uh-huh.

Alright Evie, don't go far.

Stay where we can hear you.

Don't be gross.

I'm not letting you listen.

[Frustrated]

[Relief]

[THUD] [Panic]

Oi oi.

Caught with your pants down, hey love?

Get the fuck away from me.

You know, you're actually kinda

fucking fit, you know.

"Lex" What the fuck are you doing, Cailan?

Shuddup!

FUCK OFF!

I think me an you are gonna have some fun,

darlin!

[ROAR]

What the FUCK was that!?

FUCK!

Come on!

[Beast roars]

[Hissing]

"Sian" Evie, what the fuck?

What time is it?

It's about midnight.

Do you think we should...

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, we probably should.

"Chrissy" Probably should what?

[Low growl]

[Scream]

[Screaming]

Did you just hear that?

[Tense music]

Cadi, be careful.

-Hi, guys! -Sweet baby Jesus!

Isn't the sky incredible tonight?

Dani, you're soaking!

And I'm alive.

Oh look, there they are.

Chrissy!

Chrissy?

-Wakey! -Chrissy!?

-[Gasp] There's blood! -What?

Chrissy!

"Cadi" Dani, get your phone.

PRYCE HAS GOT IT!

-The fuck is happening!? -What do we do!?

CHRISSY!

OH SHIT!

[SCREAMING]

"Pryce" And... CUT!

[Laughing]

Is that owl man?

[Dutch accent] Hello.

Am I still high?

So guys...

this... is Jeff.

That's my fucking knife!

Oh, er...

Ram, explain yourself now!

[Dutch accent] I like, er, no clothes.

Sorry!

He's an actor.

Like you guys.

-[English accent] -RADA trained, actually.

We asked Jeff to do a little bit of

role play for us this weekend.

For our project.

So we could get a bit of footage.

Where did we meet again, Jeff?

[Dutch accent] Amsterdam.

-Smoke and a pancake! -[laughing]

Jeff, you are an artiste!

[Mock Dutch] Jen tink en ya schmeergles.

I just made that up.

-Pretty good, actually. -Thank you.

You branched me, you motherfucker!

Oh, so erm, my character's name

is Cythraul.

-Cythraul. -Cyth-rraul.

And no, I'd never do that.

Not without a stunt coordinator present darlings.

"Cadi" Home alone.

Little bastard.

You wait till I get hold of him.

I did alert the local authorities and

they have been detained.

Apparently they are rather notorious around these parts.

-You paid... -whatever his name is,

Jeff.

To scare the living shit out of us,

just so you can research your film?

Yep, say cheese!

-You WANKERS! -Whoa whoa!

We weren't exactly expecting everyone

to be off their heads on fucking mushrooms, were we?

Works as a plot twist though right?

Yeah, it totally does.

"Dani" Chrissy,

did you know about this from the start?

No. I only found out five minutes ago.

I just...

I thought it'd be fun

to play dead when you rocked up.

Chrissy, you were magnificent!

-Aw! -Bravo, bravo.

[Laughter]

Oh.

Timmy found his treasure.

No way.

-[Gasps] Go Timmy! -Wow!

I was hoping to donate it to...

charity, you know?

Help kids like me.

"Chrissy" I think that's a great idea, Timmy.

Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

Yeah?

Yeah, man.

Thanks, I will.

Drinks on Timmy!

[Chuckles]

Pryce.

Shall we?

[Guitar plays]

♪ It's time for the singers to sing.

♪ It's time for the filmmakers

♪ to do their thing.

♪ It's time for the fathers to

♪ have more sons and daughters.

♪ Put on your walking boots,

♪ we're going round Jericho.

♪ It's time for the people to move,

♪ we're going round Jericho.

♪ We've got something to prove,

♪ WE'RE GOING ROUND JERICHO!

♪ Left, right, left, right,

♪ left, right, left, right,

♪ we're going round Jericho,

♪ left, right, left, right,

♪ we're going round Jericho,

♪ left, right, left, right,

♪ we're going round Jericho,

♪ left, right, left, right...

[Orchestral music]

♪ It's our time.

♪ It's our turn.

♪ There's things.

♪ We've learned.

♪ A new wave's coming.

♪ A new wave's coming.

♪ The tide is turning.

♪ It's our time.

[Clapping, cheering]

"Erin" You're glad you came then?

"Alfie" Of course I am darling.

Hey Dani!

What happened to you guys last night?

Long story

This is Alfie, my fiancé.

-Oh! -Alright mate, how's it going?

Good actually, yeah, good.

Oh er, congratulations on your engagement.

Thank you.

Nice to meet you, [phone vibrates] oh, excuse me,

I just need to take this.

Got a good one there.

[Laughs]

"Chrissy" Yeah, it's nice, I like it.

It's not for me?

No, of course not.

Has anyone seen a plug socket anywhere?

- Do you mind? It's for my wife - Of course. Yeah, yeah.

Pleasure to meet you.

Thank you!

I can't even be arsed.

Did you get through to Franco?

Yeah.

And?

Are you excited about the first big meetup?

-Hey Chrissy. -Hey.

-Mind if I sit here? -Feel free.

I erm, think I might take a rain check.

Thanks Prycey-wysie.

You're welcome.

[Giggles]

-Cheers! -Cheers!

I'll be out your gaff

by the end of the month.

Thank you though.

Appreciate it.

It's alright.

I love you man.

You big gay!

You know, I am actually gay, right?

Love you, brother.

Love you too.

Thank you.

Cheers to that.

Cheers!

"Jeff" Go team!

"Everyone" Go team!

-To fame. -To fame.

And fortune

And fortune!

Cheers everyone!

Guys, can I just say

how much we appreciate

everything you did for us last night.

And we've been talking

Sian Arwall as... "Jack the Wizard".

-No way! -Think I'm gonna need more than a part

in your movie to forgive what you

did to us last night.

Yeah, fair enough.

"Chrissy" How much footage did you

get last night, Jeffrey?

[Laughs]

Wanna see?

"Everyone" Yes!

"Sian" You sneaky bastard.

"Cadi" What the fuck!

Budge up you lot.

"Pryce" Yeah, just forward this bit.

"Sian" That's got to be illegal?

"Evie" Get off him! [Whack]

-Ooh! -Your right hook's deadly, mate.

Lethal.

"Ram" Look at this guy, he's amazing - So creepy!

Yes mate.

Fantastic!

There's Kevin!

Hurray!

[Jeering]

Love that!

[Embarrassed laughter]

Delete that now!

"Police" She's legging it!

"Dutch" Get off me man!

-"Police" Nice bit of bling son. -"Cailan" Grrr.

"Dani" Oh, lookout, snack police!

Way!

Don't even think about it!

[Laughs]

[Serene music]

So this is a famous

Devil's Bridge, is it?

[Children playing]

I found something.

So did I.

I love you

Love you, too

[Music swells]

♪ His name may be Drystan,

♪ but it's Ram to me,

♪ way, hey, blow the Ram down.

♪ Exchanged Notts for the U S of A,

♪ way, hey, blow the Ram down.

♪ Blow the Ram down boys, blow the Ram down,

♪ pull down his pants and blow the Ram down.

♪ We're singers and actors, filmmakers and all,

♪ way, hey, blow the Ram down.

♪ We've all come together, for adventure, for a ball!

♪ Way, hey, blow the Ram down.

Everybody!

♪ Blow the Ram down boys, blow the Ram down,

♪ pull down his pants and blow the Ram down.

♪ We're singers and dancers, filmmakers and all,

♪ way, hey, blow the Ram down.

♪ We've all come together, for adventure, for a ball!

♪ Way, hey, blow the Ram down.

♪ Blow the Ram down boys, blow the Ram down,

♪ pull down his pants and blow the Ram down.

"Dani" [Howls]

♪ Blow the Ram down boys, blow the Ram down,

♪ pull down his pants and blow the Ram down.

[Cheering]

[Stirring music - Jericho]