Original subtitles

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[doorbell rings]

- Who's that?

- It's probably that dumbass whose side mirror

I clipped in the parking lot.

He's here for vengeance.

- Maybe you should, like, escape out

the back window or something.

- I'm tired of running, Beavis.

It's time to, like, deface the music.

Did we ever get a gun?

- Stewart? - Good news!

Kaitlyn and I are getting a divorce.

We can finally be roomies.

- What?

- I got a case of beer, my CPAP machine,

and I'm ready to party.

Gah!

- Um, that's not the guy from the parking lot, Butt-Head.

It's Stewart.

[both chuckle]

- Oh, yeah.

Honest mistake.

- Man, feels great to spread the ol' wings.

Bachelorhood is the bomb.

- Why did you come here?

Couldn't you, like, just score with, um, um,

Stewart's wife whenever you wanted?

- Yeah, I wish.

More like I could have someone always in my face

telling me what to do.

From now on, I'm all about freedom

and kicking it with my friends.

- Uh, we're not your friends.

- [laughs]

Methinks I've been roasted.

So anyway, I figured guys like you must be

pulling chicks left and right.

And this DILF wants in on the action.

- Uh, excuse us, Stewart.

Beavis, a word, please.

Stewart thinks we've scored.

[both chuckle]

- Dumbass.

We never score.

And we're never gonna score.

Never!

- Yeah, but he scored, dumbass.

He's got those kids, remember?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I forgot that's how kids happen.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Maybe he can teach us to score.

- Exactly.

He'd finally be good for something.

- Uh, Stewart, you can stay.

- Oh, rock and roll, guys.

I'll just sleep here.

- Whoa!

There was a bed hiding in there that whole time?

- Let the scoring begin.

- Oh, yeah.

- Guys, I'm really, really excited about this video.

We have John Brookfield,

and we're in his home gym,

and we got some cool videos coming up.

- So basically, we're gonna get down like this.

And see, it's hand-over-hand grip...

- Get down.

[both chuckling]

- He really is getting down.

- See my position with my legs?

- This rope is very similar

to a limp, flaccid, floppy schlong.

Now, watch me closely.

- And see? It's hand-over-hand.

- This is like elite masturbation training.

This guy can spank any monkey you throw at him.

[both chuckling]

- He is the elite of the elite monkey spankers.

- Someone was like, but, sir,

my monkey weighs 400 pounds.

He can spank it.

- You, too, can be an ultimate monkey spanker.

But book now.

Places in my garage are filling up.

- Left arm.

This left arm says, I don't like that.

I'm gonna push back against you.

And see now, the core is getting hit--

- Sometimes I like to spank my monkey while I got

my feet pressed up against the wall

with one hand on the floor.

See? It goes like this. See? See that?

It's important to work out like this.

This is actually the technique that

I taught the NASA astronauts.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah.

- Pull it up like this. - Yeah.

[both chuckling]

- Whoa!

Take it easy.

- Now, this is a very advanced form of masturbation.

Um, if you do this for 15 years,

you can get to where you can actually put your own schlong

in your own mouth.

[both chuckling]

Now, usually I have to imagine a steroided-out guy watching me

when I'm spanking my monkey.

But today, I got the real deal.

- Or I could do what I call around the world.

- Whoa! Around the world?

Jesus.

- I can do this real slow or real fast.

- This is the filthiest thing I've ever seen.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah, really.

- See?

- You know, like, they say there's

movies that don't work, you know,

'cause there's, like, no sexual chemistry?

They don't have that problem here.

- They sure don't.

These guys were made for each other.

[chuckling]

They can't wait to get it on.

That steroided-out dude is like, you know,

I just wanted to come over and stand in the corner

and watch my neighbor spank his monkey in his garage.

But I didn't expect to fall in love.

[both chuckling]

- It is International Chest Day.

- You know, Butt-Head, I've been in a lot of garages

with a lot of old men.

But I've never seen anything like this one.

- Uh, maybe keep that part of your life to yourself?

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, okay.

There was some rope, but... [chuckles]

You know what? I did see this once

in an old guy's garage.

- Some guy tied you up like this?

- No, no, no.

I mean, there was just a dude there,

you know, like, tied up like this.

The old man said, don't worry. That's for later.

But then he said, don't worry.

He's got a safe word, you know?

- Let me show you one more video.

This one's of a giraffe and a pigeon being friends.

The zookeeper says they're inseparable.

- That's not happening, Stewart.

You've been here for two weeks and no one has scored.

- Yeah, we're supposed to be, like, up in the clubs, Stewart.

- That was our agreement.

- I don't know.

Kaitlyn always said--

- Kaitlyn is gone, Stewart.

She's probably dead or something.

- But we're still alive.

And one of us has a boner.

- You guys are right.

To heck with Kaitlyn.

The three amigos are gonna ride.

[bassy club music playing]

- Stewart is finally gonna show us how to score.

- Soon the secret knowledge will be ours.

- So you guys must be experts in scoring with chicks.

How do you do it?

- Uh, what?

- You know, how do you score with chicks?

- Uh, you tell us first or something.

- I get it.

It's hard for you to explain it all to a noob.

I guess I'll just have to watch and learn from the masters.

♪ ♪

This is what I'm talking about!

No wonder this place got a great review on Yelp.

- Damn it.

How are we gonna score, Butt-Head?

He won't tell us.

- Uh...

- I guess I could use the old wedding ring.

They say ladies really go for married guys.

- They do?

- Oh, yeah.

'Cause then chicks know you, like, put out.

- Now, we know his secret. Get out of here, Stewart.

We don't need you, you son of a bitch.

Me and Butt-Head are gonna go score.

Yeah.

- Hey, baby.

I have, like, a wife.

- I'm Beavis.

I'm very married to my wife.

My wedding was yesterday.

- Yeah, mine was too because I'm, like, married to my wife.

- Oh, God.

- Damn it.

Oh, check it out.

More chicks at the bar.

- Hey, baby.

My wife is, like, my lover and my best friend.

- My wife, Cindy, is super hot.

And we score whenever we want,

even in front of our sons, Greg and Warrior.

- I wish I was banging my wife right now.

She's a slut.

- Guys, I wanna teach you some line dance moves

we can do together.

I'll say this about Kaitlyn.

She was a damn good line dancer.

Oh, Kaitlyn.

- You divorced guys are the worst.

- Unbelievable. - Damn it.

That chick liked me and you ruined it, Stewart.

- Sorry, guys.

- My wife Cindy's not gonna believe this.

[grunts] - Ow!

[bassy club music playing]

♪ ♪

- Damn it.

The only chick who sucks enough to score with Stewart

is Stewart's wife.

- Yeah.

Wait a second.

Then maybe she'd score with us.

- Oh, yeah.

And she's single now.

[doorbell rings]

- Beavis and Butt-Head, I know why you're here.

- You do? - Cool.

- You wanna talk me into getting

back together with Stewart.

- Oh, okay.

- Damn it.

- How's Stewart doing?

- Stewart sucks.

- He does kind of suck, doesn't he?

Still, the place seems a little empty without him.

- We didn't come here to talk about the past, Stewart's wife.

- We're here because you want something

and we also want something.

Now, I'm not saying it's scoring,

but--but it is scoring. Yeah.

- So what do you say we leave your kids alone in the house

and go back to our place?

- Yeah.

Hey, you'll never believe where one of our beds is.

Yeah.

- Kaitlyn! - Damn it, Stewart.

We're trying to score with your wife.

- Yeah, really. Yeah, don't you knock?

Come on.

- Kaitlyn, please forgive me.

I hate it out there without you.

I swear I'll never buy another scratch-off ticket again.

- [sighs]

Stewart, get over here.

Beavis and Butt-Head, out!

- Well, it was fun while it lasted.

- No, it wasn't.

It sucked.

- Oh, yeah.

Well, it sucked while it lasted.

- Hey, you're the sumbitch who busted my mirror!

[tires screeching]

- Uh-oh.

[tires screeching]

[metal music]