Original subtitles

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- [sighs] Oh, boy.

[chuckles]

Well, here we are, back at the unemployment store.

Another day, another dollar. [chuckles]

- This is how we give back.

[chuckling]

- Yeah. - Next!

- Uh, we looked real hard for jobs this month, sir.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, so hard.

So hard. - Yep.

We looked and looked, and we weren't even drunk.

- Yeah, yeah, so you can mail us our check now.

That'd be great.

- Did you go on any job interviews last month?

- [sighs] - [groans]

So many. Yeah. [chuckles]

- Where?

- Oh, uh, Sam Goody Records. Yeah.

- That's right.

[keyboard clacking]

- It says here Sam Goody Records

went out of business in 2006.

- Was 2006 last month? - No.

- Yeah, that must be why we didn't get the job, then.

[keyboard clacks]

- I have good news.

We finally found someone who would hire you.

It wasn't easy, but this could finally be your chance

to start a fulfilling career. - Uh, what?

- What did you just say to me? [chuckles]

- Here you go.

And congratulations on your new job.

- That sucks.

- Yeah, we were just sitting here

minding our own business, and you gave us a job?

[chuckles]

What kind of unemployment store is this?

- We know our rights, sir. [chuckles]

You're not gonna get away with this.

[chuckles]

[jet engine roaring]

[chuckling]

- We have jobs.

[chuckling]

- Welcome to "Camping with Steve."

I'm in a pretty nice neighborhood today,

so I'm trying to blend in.

I picked up this suit jacket

from a thrift store for 10 bucks.

I picked up this guy for 4.99.

So I'll just walk around, acting like I'm coming back

from a big meeting downtown or something,

maybe meeting an important client,

and then I'll slip into the woods

when the time is right.

- Then I'll just slip into the woods

and go behind people's houses and look in their windows.

[chuckling]

Maybe spank my monkey, you know?

I brought a tent just for that.

[chuckles] - [chuckles]

That's his business. [chuckles]

He's a professional creep. [chuckles]

- [chuckles] And business is good.

[chuckles]

- So if folks do get suspicious,

I'll just pull out my phone and pretend I'm talking on it.

You know, "buy, buy, sell, sell."

Lay it on real thick so they don't suspect a thing.

But--

- It would be, like, more believable

if instead of saying "buy, buy, sell, sell,"

he was on the phone arguing about custody of his kids.

- Yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

No, I'm not in the woods! [chuckles]

Well, they're my kids, too, Marcy!

[chuckling]

[water dripping]

- A hammock is the absolute perfect thing for this.

I'm bone-dry.

- Uh, the hammock is perfect for this?

- Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe a house would be perfect for that, you know?

[chuckles]

Boy. [chuckles]

[gas hissing] - That means dinner time.

Holy, man. Let's see.

- You know, Butt-Head, watching this guy, you know,

um, makes me think, um, we did pretty well in life, you know?

- Yep.

It's someone for us to look down on, and it feels good.

[chuckling]

- And it's about time to get to bed.

- You know what this reminds me of, Butt-Head?

What was that movie? Um, "The Blair Witch Project."

[chuckles]

- Yeah, this is "The Blair Failure Project."

[chuckling]

[distant siren wailing]

- Onions, pre-diced, so convenient,

at various grocery stores.

- Oh, you hear that? [chuckles]

I guess somebody finally called the police.

[chuckling]

- It's the failure police.

[chuckling]

- Yeah. [chuckles]

They, like, come up on him, and they're like,

Hey, how we doing today? [chuckles]

Do you have any idea of how much of a failure

you were being? [chuckles]

- Hey, hey, sir, we're gonna let you off

with a warning this time.

So go ahead and just sleep in the tent in the woods for now.

- Oh, just a tip. The light in your eyes is out.

You might want to get that looked at.

[chuckling]

- Garbage or supplies and--

- Whoa, look, it's a businessman.

What happened to the other guy? [chuckles]

- Yeah, it's like, hey, business guy,

you should go talk some sense into that bum out in the woods.

- Yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

[chuckling]

- [sighs]

One day you're at home spanking your monkey,

and the next thing you know,

you're protecting America from terrorisms.

[chuckles] - It's important work, Beavis.

Stopping the terrorisms. [chuckles]

- Um, Butt-Head, what is terrorisms?

- Uh, I don't know. It is a mystery.

- Well, might as well get to it.

[can clatters]

- Excuse me, sir.

You're gonna have to take your shoes off

and put 'em in, like, a bin.

- Sir, sir, do not take your shoes off, sir.

Put 'em back on, please. - But that guy told me--

- Put 'em back on, or you go to the back of the line.

[chuckles]

- Sir, I told you to take those shoes off

or I'm gonna take 'em off for you.

- But that guy right there just said--

- OK, OK, this is all gonna go a lot faster

if just follow the rules, folks.

- Listen up, people, we're gonna make this

really clear for you.

- Take your shoes off and put them in the bin.

- Take everything out of your pockets

and put it in, like, a laptop computer or something.

- Take your laptop computer out of your bag

and put it in, uh, I think, like,

a 3-ounce bottle of shampoo.

- And then put your bottle of shampoo in your shoes,

um, maybe.

They explained it, but I didn't really get it.

- It's all very simple, people.

You just have to follow the rules

or nobody gets through. - That's right.

[chuckles]

- OK, I don't understand. Does my iPad go in a bin?

- No, it does not, ma'am.

It goes in one of these gray things right here. Yeah.

- If you have any bins, take them out of your bag

and put 'em in a gray thing.

- Nobody gets through until every bin is in a gray thing,

and your shoes are either on or off.

Um, I don't remember. One or the other.

- Why is this taking so long? I'm gonna miss my plane.

- Whoa. They have planes here?

- Oh, that's intstrusting. Yeah.

- Can you please just hurry this up?

- Ma'am, I don't know the rules.

I just enforce 'em.

- We're keeping you safe, ma'am.

Now go to the back of the line.

- Having power is cool.

[chuckling]

- Yeah. [chuckles]

[crowd chattering, grumbling indistinctly]

- Your personal electronics go in a children

under 12 or something.

I don't remember the rules that good,

but you have to follow 'em, or you go to the back of the line.

Those are the rules.

- Thank you for your cooperation.

- They just called my flight.

- Why can't I just go to my plane?

- OK, sir.

Sir, first you have to put all this stuff in,

like, a 1-quart resealable, uh, shoe or something.

- We're keeping you safe, sir. [chuckles]

For your own good.

- You haven't let anyone through security

for three hours. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm hungry. - Oh, yeah.

Uh, OK, OK.

We'll let one person through if they go to the coffee store

and get us some cake pops. [chuckles]

- Yeah, yeah, and, um--

and some sugar packets for dessert, yeah.

- I'll do it. - No, you're not!

I've been here longer.

I'm getting the goddamn cake pops and sugar packets!

- [grunts]

[people shouting indistinctly]

- [chuckles] Security kicks ass.

[chuckling]

- You know, I didn't think I'd like having a job,

but it's pretty cool. [chuckles]

Yeah, get 'em! - [chuckles]

- Yeah, yeah! Go for the nads!

[people shouting, blows thudding]

- A brawl broke out today at a TSA checkpoint

at Highland International Airport,

causing hundreds of people to miss their flights.

The Transportation Security Administration is holding

a press conference now.

- What happened today was unacceptable.

18 planes took off completely empty,

and several people were injured

when an empty car seat was used as a weapon.

The people responsible have been fired,

and we've promoted a new team to lead the TSA forward.

I'd like you to meet them now.

[camera shutters snapping]

[chuckling]

- We're gonna, like, protect you from America.

[chuckles] - That's right.

Thank you, drive-through.

[hard rock music]

♪ ♪