Original subtitles

If you're single and blue, we'll take good care of you at the Melody Club.

And it's never too late when you're out with a date for the Melody Club.

You can dine and drink and even sit through our cabaret.

The hours we keep are awful, so we sleep all day.

an axe, why not come and relax at the Melody Club?

If you can't sleep at night, then we'll soon put that right at the Melody Club.

If you want a new sensation, don't sit at home feeling blue.

Get your hat and your coat, come and so wild old you can do it at the

Melody Club.

This is very good. Your place is much better since you took over, huh? I

couldn't have done it without your help, Tony.

Oh, it's nothing.

We make the club as big as I can.

See if we have more customers.

Excuse me, please.

Ah, good evening, madam.

Is this all? We have your usual table.

Get my camera, beautiful. We have work to do. Make sure you get that picture.

Have I ever missed? Oh, no.

Excuse me a moment, sir, but Mrs. Soames is looking beautiful tonight.

If I may say so. Now, how about a nice photo?

Why not, Jim? It'd be so nice.

When should we get it? Tonight, if you're staying for the next hour or so.

Go ahead, then. All right, then, sir. Now, just close up nicely there. Nice

big smile.

There we are. The perfect souvenir of a happy evening.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Improving your mind, luscious? You should let me show you the real thing

sometime. You?

Oh, I'm very deceptive, you know. You must be. Come on, check the address.

I've just got the picture. Oh, good. They're staying, then. Sure they're

staying. I shall let them have it before eleven.

Ninety-one Barclay Avenue.

Oh, that sounds wealthy.

Still, one day we'll all be rich. Then I'll buy you that rabbit coat.

And I'll tell you where to...

Hello, Bertie.

Max here. I've just got the picture. The address is 91 Barclay Avenue. 91 Barclay

Avenue? Yeah.

And you're all right until a quarter to eleven.

That suit you? Yeah, these jobs don't take long.

Be seeing you.

Come on, Cora, we've got work to do.

I hate work.

I know, sweetheart, but this is important.

How do we know we'll find anything worth pinching? We don't. This is a sprat to

catch a mackerel, stupid.

I hate fish.

It ain't that kind of a mackerel.

This one's got a diamond necklace on its tail.

What a dumb place to wear it.

Why does a guy with my brains get mixed up with a dame like you?

I keep telling you.

We're doing these jobs so the boss can get the melody club, see? Why doesn't he

buy it?

I told you. The owner won't sell.

But the boss, he's smart. He fixes so the members get robbed while they're at

the club, see? So what happens?

They collect the insurance money.

Listen, sweetheart.

The news gets around, see?

People stop coming.

The place gets a bad reputation.

The police close it down. So what happens then? No.

The boss steps in.

Buys the place cheap. We do the big job on the bank next door. And everything in

the garden sprouts lovely.

I hate sprouts.

Come on, will you? Get ready.

We've only got an hour.

You know what you gotta do? I know.

You keep out of sight. I ring the doorbell. If no one comes, we do the

breaking. If someone comes, I collect him for a good cause.

They slam the door in my face and we call the job off. Right.

How can they be there when they're at the club?

Sometimes more than two people live in the same house. I know that.

I'm not stupid.

Come on, will you?

What good cause shall I be tonight?

Same as last time. Prevention of cruelty to Siamese cats.

We ought to collect for something British. It's more patriotic.

And besides, why can't you ring the bell yourself?

Because I've got a suspicious face.

Come on, will you?

Don't you realize these jobs are our pin money?

I know.

I hate pins.

This way, genius.

There we are, sir.

Some people just can't help being photogenic, can they?

It's one of my most artistic efforts.

Look, Jim. Do you like it?

Not bad at all. How much is it? It'll be on your bill, sir. Thank you. Thank you,

sir.

Good morning. Is Miss Wilson about?

Good morning, sir. Tell her please Inspector Dodds would like a word with

her. Oh, she's in her office, sir. This way, please.

Good morning, Miss Wilson. I'm Inspector Dodds. Why don't you sit down?

Thanks.

I want to talk to you privately.

Yes, maybe I've got a mysterious spirit. No, you can talk quite freely in front

of Tony. He's my head waiter and he's been here for years.

You took over this place three months ago from your uncle when he died, didn't

you? Yes.

And since then, a number of your members have had their homes robbed.

Mr. and Mrs. Soames are the fourth in two weeks. I've been reading about it.

But it's nothing to do with me, if that's what you're thinking.

No, I know that. I've checked up on you.

You seem all right.

Thanks. But it strikes me that someone here may have something to do with it.

Are you suggesting my staff or any of my members might have... I'm suggesting you

may be too young and inexperienced to know.

Have you any explanation to offer?

None. It's just an unlucky coincidence.

Well, I hope so for your sake.

I'm not going to make an investigation now, but I'm warning you. If these

robberies continue, I shall have to close the club. Is that clear?

Very, I'm afraid.

Sorry, but there it is.

I'll be getting along now.

Good day.

Good day.

Short and not so sweet, eh?

He's to make a trouble for us. He'll make a plenty trouble.

Tony, you were here in my uncle's time. You know the staff members even better

than I do.

Do you think any of them could be behind these robberies?

It's possible.

The staff, I think, is all right, but the members... Oh, crookies look the

same in a dinner jacket as honest men.

Sometimes they're better.

Yes, that's the trouble.

But don't worry, Miss Gin. I shall keep my eyes wide open, so... It's all very

well, Tony, but you haven't time to watch everyone.

Neither have I.

I have a good mind to ask the inspector to put a plainclothes man in here to

keep an eye on things.

No one would know he wasn't a club member.

But Miss Jean, everyone will know.

It's a big boots, the ball hat, it's a raincoat. Oh, Maria, a policeman, I say.

Everybody around expecting the troubles. We lose the customers. Much more

publicity like that and we shan't have any customers.

I think a plainclothes man's a good idea.

At least he could report there was nothing wrong.

This may be all right.

Perhaps we should have someone to watch the place, huh?

Why not a private detective? He's look more like human beings. No one be

frightened. I think you've got something there.

I think I shall have addresses somewhere, as I see.

Hello?

Oh, it's you, Max Calypso.

How many times have I got to keep telling you it's not for sale?

We'll get over last night, so don't waste your time making me any more

offers.

Goodbye.

Tony, what do you know about Max Calypso?

Nothing. He's coming here sometimes. I don't like him. I don't like him either.

He's a cop.

He's a detective.

Mr. Freddy Forrester, Baker Street.

Well, what have I got to lose?

How do you do?

How do you do?

Are you Mr. Forrester?

At your service. Can I use something for you? Well, I... You sit down.

Now.

You do accept commissions of a confidential nature, don't you?

I accept anything.

I mean, yes. This is a matter of some delicacy.

Quite right. I quite understand.

You can speak to me with perfect frankness. I take it this matter of

delicacy concerns a man? Well, I... Quite, just as I thought.

Something like a straying husband? Not like a husband at all.

He's not. A scoundrel.

Never fear.

We'll make him pay. We'll bring him to heel.

We'll run... But Mr. Forsythe... Now, don't start to feel sorry for him. Yes,

boy.

Nice weather we're having for this time of the year.

Grows awfully quickly at some people, doesn't it?

Now, about this erring husband of yours. Look, Mr. Forrester, my case has nothing

to do with marriage, divorce or love affairs.

I'm quite unentangled. You are? You are?

It concerns a club, the Melody Club.

Oh, I know it well. It's run by a smashing piece of crackling called Jean

Wilson.

My name's Jean Wilson.

Really?

The same as hers? What a coincidence.

Yes, I'm the smashing bit of crack thing.

Of course, I knew all the time.

Yes, of course.

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Forrester, but I really don't feel this is your sort of

case. But how can I earn, I mean, how can I earn your gratitude if you won't

let me help you? I need someone experienced.

Experienced? How do you think I served all these cases?

Excuse me. But really... Hello?

Who? Scotland Yard?

Oh, I'm getting tired of being bothered with every single corpse you find.

Why don't you save them up until you've got half a dozen and then ring me?

I've got more important things to do.

Plunderers. Now, let me show you some of my more spectacular efforts.

Now, here we have the great civil service mystery.

One moment the fellow was sitting at his desk in Whitehall, happily cutting down

our rations. The next moment, he disappeared.

These are the only clues he left behind.

When I tracked him down... Where?

Well, it wouldn't be in the public interest to reveal that. Well, now, this

will interest you. You remember Korborowski, the master spy?

Well, that's his codebook. Now, hereby I have to tell... But it's completely

blank. What? Oh, invisible ink, of course.

Wonderfully clever, these chaps, you know.

Wonderfully clever.

Oh, what a nuisance.

Excuse me.

Hello? No, no, no, I can't come to anybody's rescue. I've got a very

important client here.

What? Kidnapped?

Bound hand and foot and taken to a blazing house and...

Met on a barrel of dynamite. I say, he is in a mess, isn't he?

What's going to happen to the poor man?

Oh, he'll be all right. It was only Dick Barton.

He must have kept extremely busy.

Oh, it's like this all day. Now, Miss Wilson, won't you tell me about your

case? All right.

Have you seen this morning's papers?

What? You mean about the robbery? The police suspect the club and have

threatened to close it. Now, what I want is someone who doesn't look like a

policeman to come down and watch out for the crooks.

Spares do happen to be in. Fine.

Dear, Miss Wilson, that's right up my street.

They're caught the moment they enter.

Well, I think I'll give you a trial.

Now, the best thing for you to do is to work as a waiter at the club.

A waiter?

Yes, then you'll be able to move around and watch everyone without their

suspecting you.

Here's a retainer. I believe that's usual.

I simply couldn't, really.

Well, if you insist.

Well, Miss Wilson, your troubles are over.

I'll see you at the club at 2.30. You bet.

I mean, of course.

Goodbye.

He should be here any moment now.

But honestly, Tony, he seems kind of crazy.

But they say he's a very clever.

Well, let's hope they say right.

Anyway, he's going to work for you as a waiter.

So what?

Oh, you can teach him enough to get by.

Well, it's... Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

This is Tony, my head waiter. Mr. Forrester.

How do you do?

Hmm.

Well, I'll leave you in Tony's hands.

Well, I'm sure you should get along splendidly.

Yes. You have the experience?

Experiences? Good heavens, I've had many, many experiences. I remember one

day I was walking down... I meant the experience of waiting.

Oh, yes, yes. I've sometimes had to wait for hours. Look, I mean at the tables.

Well, no. Actually, I must say that I haven't spent very much time around

tables. All right. It's maybe you better pay very careful attention, huh?

Now, this is the main points.

You serve from the left, clear from the right. Serve the food hot, the chamois

pan cold, and don't keep the customer waiting.

Smile and be pleasant. Make it a small joke. Keep everybody happy.

It's okay.

Cool food, make it a hot joke, keep everybody happy, smile.

Yes, I think I've got that.

So good.

Now we take the menu.

See? Sometimes, these people, they don't know what they want.

So you make it as a suggestion.

So, madame, I consider this the place du jour. It means that today is special.

Madame, sausage, demiglace, carne, pomme, purée.

What's that?

Sausage and mash. What's the matter?

Oh, madame, perhaps you would prefer pudding en raison de corinne, corinne,

venile. Eh?

La madame. Oh.

Madame. Maybe you would like a framework for your suite, huh?

Framework?

Raspberries.

This is rude.

I'm learning.

The fruit, my friend, not the musical sort.

For you, senor. Some Italian dish, maybe, huh? Spaghetti, ravioli,

minestrone, huh? Splendid. No.

The special de maison.

Crepe sous etre.

Couchier. It's a pancake.

It's all very simple, you see. Speak of the foreign names.

Now we take the wine list.

All the way up and at the most expensive page.

And then give it to the gentleman's son.

Then fix your eye on him so he don't turn to something more cheap.

All right?

I think so.

It's good. Now remember, this young man, pretty girl, is a good tip.

He's the one to impress.

Old man, pretty girl, he's a better tip.

He's a good impress.

Married couples is...

Not so good.

And don't forget the coffee.

We imagine.

We're a gutter salad.

I suppose that's fair enough. Yes. There's one more thing. It's your

accent. My accent? Yes. It's too much plum in the mouth.

Too much plum in the mouth? Of course. I don't understand.

Oh, you mean I should speak with the music in the voice to play the kisses in

the moonlight.

Play the trouble with the husband.

You see what I mean? Is it good?

What's the matter?

You take the Mickey?

My tailor will be absolutely horrified.

I'm sure this must have been made for Arthur Askey.

Oh, it's not too bad.

Now look, I want you to keep your eyes open the whole time. If there's anyone

who especially needs watching, I'll let you know.

Trust Freddy, they're almost in the net already.

Excuse me, please. I have the costume.

Smile, a bit present. Make it a small joke.

Hello. You like something?

Ah, you're new here.

No, senora, not new.

Just fresh.

I'll have the dinner.

Soup, chicken, fruit salad.

What, all in English?

I suggest something foreign. Like a sausage with mashed spider.

Bellissima.

And for the senor, something Italian, perhaps?

Macaroni, spaghetti, ravioli, mussolini, al capone. We've got everything.

Or perhaps the senor would like something very special.

A pancake with a suzette.

How dare you? I'll have the dinner, and you'll have the same, Hector.

Yes, my dear.

I tried to please everybody. What's the matter, huh?

Hector, have you ever been here without me?

I forget the wine list.

I think we'll have champagne.

Certainly, senor.

Delicious. Etta!

Oh, di signore, you must not inhale the soup.

Better have it in a bin.

Oh, di di, what a mess.

Never mind, never mind. Now you must use it in spoon, like this.

Take it away.

What's going on? Absolutely nothing.

I've never been so insulted. It's that man.

Another minute.

Remove the soap.

Please, the waiter is very inexperienced.

Inexperienced? He's mad.

Madame, I shall arrange everything.

Please, don't worry. No more troubles. I promise.

You bring us some champagne. It's on the house. With my compliments, huh? Hurry,

hurry, quick.

Tell you, everything would be happy.

I didn't do a thing.

Not a thing. We'll get a long spin until they start to argue about something.

I think it must have been the way the little man was eating his soup.

Look, don't worry about that now.

You see that couple who've just come in?

That's Max Calypso and his girlfriend Cora.

Find out everything you can about them. If there is something going on, I'm sure

they've got something to do with it. Okay?

Okay. Trust Freddy.

You order the grub. I'm going to have a word with this glamour person.

Keep to business.

Don't I always?

What do you think they are?

Well, strike a light.

Fresh, eh?

No, senor. Just new.

Back in a minute.

Well, the senora is superstitious.

Oh, sure.

Always was. I hate sleeping 13 in a bed, but I like fortune-telling. And what's

that you call it? Trick-sighting?

Well, the senora means the, uh, neo-Freudian psychoanalytical

researchers. That's what I said.

Has the senora been psychoanalyzed? No.

Max Calypso says it's silly to pay someone to tell you you're nuts, but I'd

like to.

This Mr. Calypso, he's always with you, huh?

Hey, what's the idea?

Oh, nothing, except I know a most distinguished professor who is in his

country at the present moment. He can psychoanalyze anything, especially the

ladies. You can make all the offers and threats you like, but the answer's still

no. The club's not for sale.

And if it was, I wouldn't sell it to you.

It's always had a good name.

We're going to have to smile a bit now, ain't it?

You can always resign your membership.

Me?

I like to be loyal to the old place.

You, little old Fauntleroy.

Okay, laugh.

But you'll be sorry.

I try to arrange something tomorrow.

Oh, gee, that's wonderful.

We keep it a secret, huh? Cross my heart.

You still here?

Oh, yeah. The signora and I, we arrange a most beautiful dinner.

Go and get it. I'm hungry.

What are you waiting for?

I think perhaps the signora like some coffee afterwards, huh?

No, no coffee.

Just a moment, yes.

What do you mean, no coffee? We make it, we got a salad.

Break both his legs.

Little Lord Fauntleroy.

Where's Daddy's name?

If Cora can be convinced she's suffering from a guilt complex, she may spill the

beans about Max to get rid of it. If there are any beans to spill.

Exactly. But supposing Max turns up?

He won't. I fix everything.

Well, I hope for your sake he doesn't.

Still, I dare say you've handled more desperate characters than Max.

Oh, good heavens, yes. Dozens and dozens.

Desperate? Well, I don't say he'd shoot you in cold blood.

Well, that's all right.

What? Do you mean he's got a gun?

Well, men like that usually have.

They have?

As if you didn't know.

Anyway, what's a few bullets to you after catching people like Kolborovsky?

Oh, what's a few bullets?

That's a few bullets.

Look, are you sure you like this plan? I mean, wouldn't you like me to think of

something else? No, I think the idea is worth trying.

Anyway, if Max did turn up, you might be able to scare him into a confession.

You did say scare, didn't you? That's right.

That's what I thought you said.

Are you sleeping here on Fraulein Cora?

Yeah, I'm Cora.

Professor Finkelfrut.

Oh, I was expecting you, Professor.

Come in.

I'm sure.

I understand from a good friend of mine that you wish the secrets of the

subconscious mind to know.

Gee, that would be wonderful.

Cora with a lid off.

Precisely. Most interesting sight to see. Now, straight away we commence.

I thought only gypsies use those things.

Perhaps there's something of the gypsy in me.

Uh-huh.

And now the business. Peter?

You mean you want me to sit here?

Sure.

Ah, this is good.

Now, first you must make your mind a blank.

My mind's always a blank.

Now, into the crystal you must look in.

Really? This is exciting.

Do you think I'll see the winner of next year's derby? If you do, let me know.

Now, in the crystal you will see the secrets of the subconscious mind

revealed. The naked truth.

Will you see it too?

Naturally. You continentals don't waste much time, do you?

Now, concentrate, concentrate, concentrate, concentrate.

What do you see?

Spots before the eyes.

Spots before the eyes.

Most significant.

Most significant.

This is a disease that in Germany we call the old, the old, in the short, old

and the golden trousers.

This is what you have, a guilt complex.

There is something on your mind? Something you have done?

Something concerning a man, perhaps?

Well, I've had my moments, of course.

Now you must me tell about this man.

Yeah, but which one?

Which one?

Yes, which one?

Perhaps I can help.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I can see something. Perhaps it is the man for

whom we are looking.

Yeah, he is dark.

He smoked a cigar.

And he's ugly.

You know such a man?

Oh, doesn't. Ask him his name.

Excuse, please. What is... His name begins with an M.

Mark, nine, nine.

Martin, nine, nine.

Max.

Max.

Max, perhaps.

Could be Max.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's in a restaurant.

He's with you. He's ordering dinner.

He's picked up the menu. He's reading it. Oh, couldn't be Max. He can't read.

Say, did you tell me this guy was buying me dinner?

Yeah, yeah. Did he look wealthy?

Yeah, but where does he get the money? Oh, never mind about that. Is he

spending it?

Yeah, he's spending it. And am I loaded with jewels and furs and orchids?

Yeah, but where does Max get these things?

I tell you, it's not Max. He wouldn't buy me a dandelion. Who is it? But it is

for you to say. Oh, no. You're doing the old Morzak. Come on, find out who this

guy is.

But Fraulein. Don't Fraulein me.

Concentrate. Concentrate. Who is this guy with a dome? I see nothing.

Better try harder.

Only myself, upside down.

You. So you're the man.

Was? Why, Finkel.

To think you saw it all in the crystal.

But, Fraulein.

Call me honey.

But, Fraulein.

Fraulein, don't be shy.

Where's the gypsy in you?

You. Yeah.

I thought it funny when you said you wanted to be alone.

Don't you dare shoot my fiance.

What? We discovered each other in the crystal, didn't we, Finkel dear? And

he's going to buy me jewels and furs and orchids.

I always did say the truth without a jewel.

What a waiter with a grand canyon between his teeth. I'm going to fix you.

Don't be foolish. That might go off. It is going off. I'm going to rub you out

once and for all, coming around here snooping.

Don't be hasty.

I mean, you'd feel silly if you shot me and then found that you hadn't got a

license for that thing, wouldn't you? I mean, you'd feel ridiculous.

Stay away from that door. Who saw that one?

I'll get that long streak next time.

Fiance, you mastermind.

He couldn't help it. He hypnotized me.

Hypnotized? Impossible.

You're unconscious all the time.

What did he come here for?

To find out about you, I guess.

Oh, he did. What did you tell him?

Nothing. Only that you couldn't read.

I bet that Gene Wilson sent him here to spy on us.

Better let the boss know about this. Who is the boss, Mac? Only me knows, and I

ain't telling.

I hate crystals.

Stop acting the goat, Max.

I was on the very brink of discovery when she misunderstood my intentions,

and then Max came in. I see, and he recognized you.

Yes, I'm afraid he did.

The teeth.

A little Ivory Castle, you know. How did you mash your skin?

Oh, it was a terrific fight. You were perfectly right about the guns. He had

one in each hand blazing away at me, and the girl was armed, too.

As a matter of fact, she had two arms.

Oh, never mind. I'm back here, safe and sound.

I warned you that Max was probably dangerous.

You can always give up the commission if you feel it's too risky.

Risky? Dear Miss Wilson, it's nothing at all.

Well, you can't work at the club as a waiter anymore. Do you think you could

find something which would... Conceal the mailer? So no one would recognize

you. I'm sure I could. Miss Wilson, I've been a master of disguise since the day

I was born.

I remember my father looked at me and he said, he doesn't look like a son of

mine.

Oh, may I please, sir?

Decent be proud, Harold.

I think of what, sir?

Miss Mitrout, confound it. P-R-O-U-T.

Oh, yes, Miss Wilson told me to expect you. Address?

Chapel Richard.

Where else?

Oh, yes, sir.

Do that button up.

Good evening, sir.

Good evening.

This way, please.

Your face is new to me.

Yes, it's new to me, too.

Evening, my dear. Oh, good evening, General.

Thank you.

Melody Cloud?

Oh, yes, the General's here. It's for you, sir. Hello.

Yes,

yes, I'm waiting for you now.

What? You can't come?

Oh, confound it, that is a nuisance.

No, no, I shall go straight home, that's all.

All right, Charles, how about a time?

Most unreliable.

Navy, of course.

Give me back my hat and coat. Oh, you're not going, General.

I'm not staying alone. I don't want to dine with them.

Oh, there's another military gentleman here on his own.

Is there?

Yes, sir. A cavalry gentleman, too.

By Jove, are you sure no one's joining him?

Oh, I don't think so, sir.

He'd probably be most flattered if you'd join him. Take me to him, my dear

fellow. With pleasure, sir.

This is the gentleman, sir. Colonel Mason B. Trupp. Ah, there you go.

My name is Blitzen. General Blitzen. Later than I did.

How do you do? I heard you were dining alone.

Yes, but I... It's a good idea for us servicewaters to get together now and

again, don't you think?

Well, I... Yes, I thought you'd agree with me.

What did you say your regiment was?

Regiment? Oh, the 71st. Oh, the 71st, eh?

By God, the old gallopers.

By Joe!

Yes, the old carapace.

Splendid. Splendid.

Mason bit trout.

Let me see now. Your mother would have been one of the Devonshire trouts from

Torquay, wouldn't she?

Oh, just an old trout from Torquay.

Good evening, General.

Good evening, Terry.

Bring me my usual, will you? Curry, hot and plenty of it. And one of my special.

Certainly, General.

And for you, sir.

Some Italian dish, maybe, huh?

Here, have your list. Speak here. Here, me and the strawdicks.

Well, then, this is ridiculous.

Bring in some curry and one of my specials.

Oh, boy, make mine a double special. Curry makes me so thirsty.

Makes me thirsty, too. That's why I eat it.

You served in India?

India? Oh, yes, a second home to me here. Sort of thing, you know. I was out

there for 30 years. I don't remember having met you. Well, I was up the

Khyber Pass most of the time.

On the left, sure.

Go ahead. What were you doing?

Oh, just keeping an eye on things, you know.

Ah,

do you remember old Stinker Marsden? He was in your regiment.

Stinker? I should say I do.

Oh, damn, sir.

He's been such an old stinker. What? A fine soldier. A magnificent, sir.

Well, we'll drink to it.

To old Stinker.

Stinker.

Excuse me, General.

Yes, what is it? How about a photo?

Why? Well, you're our most distinguished guest tonight.

Why, I don't know. What do you think, Trout? The troops might like some

pictures, won't they?

Yes, I'm sure they'd like to stick them up in there.

Yes, I was always pretty popular with the troops.

All right, young fellow. How is this? Oh, characteristics are characteristic.

Now, hold that.

Right. It'll be ready in two hours, sir. You'll be staying that long, won't you?

Oh, I think so, yes. We've got a lot to talk about, haven't we?

Two hours?

When I was in India, I... What the devil are you doing, Trout?

Just keeping a sharp lookout, sir. Sharp lookout? What for?

Never know when the enemy's going to creep up on your hair.

Is anything wrong with you, Trout? Certainly not, sir. Absolutely anyone.

Well, come and sit down, then. Hopping about like a busted jack-in-the-box.

Sorry, sir.

When I was in... Trout!

Extraordinary creatures, women.

Don't play with fire. Are you liable to get burned?

And people have no sympathy with you until

you've learned this slogan.

Don't play with fire.

You won't sleep a wink And you'll get scorched as sure as fate

Cause it's hotter than you think Now don't think that I keep on

warning you Because I have been spurned I also like

to get warmed up But brother, I have learned my lesson

It's the most peculiar thing And once you switch the heat

on Those fire bells start to ring So please watch out for

those flames There's Satan in his new attire And

if you want to live to be old and gray, brother

hydrophobia.

Monsoon season.

I know our troops.

Out of food and ammunition, defeat and starvation, staring them in the face.

Now, all around here was the enemy.

Ten times our end strength, plenty of everything, and literally dusting for

blood. Not a pleasant situation, eh, Hallett?

I guess a real stinker, I should say.

A stinker. A fine soldier.

We'll drink to it.

Stinger, put that damn cord. I keep telling you that's Tiger Mountain.

It's too large to be moved.

Besides, it was covering my roof.

Must have been very large.

Now, tell me, what would you have done?

Oh, I would have... Well, okay.

I was just going to get a bird's-eye view of the battlefield.

Bird's-eye view? Useless, my dear Herring. This is a down-to-earth

problem. Yes, yes. Oh, so it is. So it is. Now, tell me.

What would you have done?

I've got it.

I'd surround the enemy.

Impossible. Not enough men.

No.

I'd blow them to pieces with my artillery.

No shells.

No. I'd bomb them.

No planes.

Now, it didn't happen to be a few crossbows lying about him, was it,

though? No, Harold.

Equal thought of a battle, wasn't it?

Well, I suppose I could have always sent the enemy a stinker.

Stinker.

Fine, sir.

Well, drink.

Stinker. Stinker.

Your photo, sir.

Thank you, my boy. Thank you, sir.

Here. Here, I can hear the troops when they see this picture.

Is your nose all... Always make a noise like that, my dear Kipper.

Oh, no, Father.

Only when I do it.

I told Miss Wilson the whole place ransacked. Even my medals and the spear

from the King of Wambash. I'm terribly sorry, General, but I don't see why you

should come to me about it. I suggested the General should come down with me. We

had dinner here last night with one of your members, a stranger. Stranger, a

confounded imposter. Just a moment, sir. It seems that this so-called Colonel the

General dined with is a fraud.

No such person exists in the British Army.

Mason, betrothed. I'd like to meet that man.

I'm interested in frauds. Couldn't possibly have anything to do with it,

Inspector. He was here all the time.

There are such things as outside contacts.

Morning. Oh, I do hope I'm not interrupting anything.

No, you may as well be in on this.

This is Inspector Dodd.

How do you do?

And this is General Blitzer. Well, well, General. So nice to see you again, Sir

Seuss. By the way, I happened to think of a solution to that problem last

night. Look, this was hydrophobia.

Excuse me. These were our troops, right? They're you!

Scoundrel! Villain!

Traitor! Arrest that man! Now, now, just a moment. What's all this?

That's the man, the bogus colonel. Mason B. Frout.

Obviously planted there last night to keep me occupied.

I knew he was fishy.

Arrest him, I say! Wait a minute.

Mr. Forrester happens to be a private detective working for me.

He was here last night in disguise to keep an eye on things.

Well, from now on, I'm taking charge. I warned you what would happen if these

robberies didn't stop. I'm closing this club in 48 hours. Inspector?

I shall have to speak to the yard about you.

Keep quiet or you'll get into trouble.

Don't let him speak to you like that, Inspector.

Mason, blit, trout.

Stinker, mast.

Ruffin, villain, dead deserter. Let me get my hands on him. Will you stop it,

both of you? Well, he started it. One more word from you. Well, if you're

going to adopt that attitude. You're under arrest.

You can cool off in the station while I check up on you. But you can't. Quiet.

Come along, General.

I'll leave you in command, Inspector.

I'm terribly sorry, but everything's under control.

You're darned right.

I'll have supper here myself tonight.

I'll put a stop to these robberies.

Good morning, Inspector.

Never mind about good morning. What have you to say to this? I've been reading

about it.

What can I say? This has made me the laughing stock of the force.

I'm sorry.

Sorry? I'm not so sure that you're not mixed up in it. You've no right to say

things like that. I have a right to say anything which seems to be a

possibility. You knew I was going to be in the club all the evening. But this is

ridiculous. Would I employ a detective if I were a crook myself?

That might be a blind. You're not going to talk your way around things this

time. And you can keep this. I'm not accepting any presents from the club.

Presents? Didn't you pay for it? I wouldn't waste my money and the

photographer said it was on the house.

Anyway, tonight is the club's last night.

There's nothing I can do, is there? No, nothing.

Good morning. I say, have you read about old Dodds? I just had to come down the

moment I got out of his concentration camp.

Of course, I shall have to have him fired for unlawful arrest.

But I say, isn't it a scream?

Can you imagine that old bath-bun coming back and finding his own place robbed?

Look at this.

Yard's top thief-catcher.

Yard's top half-wit.

I'd give anything to see his face now.

I must be imagining things.

No! I'll make you smart for this.

But I was in jail last night.

And you'll be soon back there again.

By the time I finish my investigation, everyone's going to feel as if a sharp

steel comb's been torn through them.

Especially you!

That's the finish of the club. He's closing it tonight.

Well, we've still got another day. Never say die, you know. Sometimes your

optimism's a little trying.

The point is, Mr.

Forrester... Oh, do call me Freddy.

All right, Freddy.

Thank you, Jean.

The point is, we haven't found anything out and now it's too late.

Miserable. Never mind.

Horrible. I wonder why Birdie gave it to him. Not like Birdie to give things

away.

Unless... Unless he had a particular reason for wanting to take the photo.

I can't think of one.

Blitzen had his photo taken too, didn't he? And so did Mr. and Mrs. Soames.

Birdie's taken a photo of everyone who's been robbed.

Doesn't that strike you as significant?

Oh, most, most.

You were with Blitzen that evening. What exactly did Birdie say to him?

Oh, a lot of gubbins about his being the most distinguished guest and asked us

how long we were going to stay. He did?

And then he said it was going to take two hours to develop the photograph.

Sure, I don't know what I thought. Then he went off to phone somebody.

What? That's it, of course.

That's right.

What's it?

Birdie must be mixed up in it. He makes sure the victim's going to stay long

enough for the robbery to take place.

Then he phones the information through.

And I bet he phones Max.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Very likely. He had his picture taken.

And the only way that Birdie could make sure he was staying was to offer it to

him free.

So we are getting somewhere, aren't we? Now all we've got to see is whose

photograph is taken tonight and send the police right to that address.

I'm afraid that's no good.

Birdie may take a dozen photos in an evening. How do we know which one's the

victim?

I think it's all planned beforehand.

And all Birdie does is to give the okay.

The only thing we can do is to take a chance on its being, Max, and trick him

into going off to some place before Birdie telephones.

That's a jolly good idea.

What place?

I've got it. Yours.

Splendid. What?

Well, yes, of course, then you can catch him red-handed.

Besides, if we are wrong, then we don't lose anything.

My place is so terribly untidy. I mean, I haven't done the washing up, and I

haven't paid for beds, and it's not the sort of place that I'd like to invite

people to. You don't care what Max thinks, do you?

Certainly not, but it's just that I'm naturally house-proud.

Well, then forget it.

Besides, you'll get a chance to get your own back for the last time.

Doesn't that appeal to you?

Yes, it thrills me to the core.

Good. Then that's settled.

I'll think of a way to keep Birdie busy.

Hello? Hello, Max.

Birdie speaking.

Everything all right at your end?

Of course it's all right.

What's the matter with your voice?

I've just got a bit of a cold.

Yes?

What did you say so we can get cracking right away?

The address is number three, Chelsea Mansions.

Better get round there right away. There's less time than usual tonight.

Three, Chelsea Mansions.

Okay.

Come on. Even you will have to hurry tonight.

Funny about that voice.

Wonder if the boss knows.

When will we know who the boss is, Max?

I don't see why it's such a secret.

Maybe he doesn't want it broadcast all over town.

Here, sweetheart.

You paralyzed?

No. Just thinking of a use for this spear.

What? You wouldn't see the point.

You ring the bell. I'll stay here in case they're in.

What's up?

They've got Max. They're beating him up. They're going to send him to jail.

What? That's right. I heard a guy say so.

Poor old Max.

He hates prison food.

What are you talking about?

Oh, you escaped.

Escaped from what? That rough house that's going on inside there.

Rough house?

Come on, let's get out of here.

Let me out of here! Get down!

Well,

so you're the crook. Well, I am surprised a man in your position.

You criminal lunatic. You'll get five years for this, both of you. Both of us?

Somebody else here?

Don't try and fool me. You plotted this, you and that precious girlfriend of

yours. You're under arrest.

What again?

Have you broken into my place?

You idiot. You nincompoop.

You arch maniac.

I came to help. Miss Wilson phoned and said you were in danger.

Well, you are.

But it's true, Inspector.

Max Calypso is coming here. He's your man. I'm trying to catch him. That's why

I mistook you for him. He better had turn up if you want to stay healthy. You

turn up, all right. Don't try any monkey business with me. Good heavens, no.

Didn't expect to see you here this evening.

I like the old joint, didn't I tell you? How long are you staying?

Till closing time.

It isn't usual for my guests to carry guns.

Well, just a trophy I won during the war. Really? I can't even imagine you in

uniform. Sure he was. He looked darn cute with those broad arrows and that

funny little hat they gave him.

Ouch! What's the matter?

I was kidding.

Hey, sweetheart.

Well, let's hope you're soon back in uniform, Mr. Calypso.

Good evening.

I don't like that dame.

Why not?

And what did you want to kick me for?

Don't look good to break your arm in front of all these people.

Well,

that'll save us a bit of trouble.

Must say it worked very well last time, didn't it?

Excuse me.

Hello?

Gene? Yes, Freddy here.

Well, that's extraordinary.

Decent of you to be so concerned about me.

Yes, yes, he's here.

What? They're at the club and staying till closing time?

I say, we'll have to alter our plans a little bit, won't we?

All right, well, I'll phone you back a little bit later.

Goodbye.

Well?

Whiskey and soda?

No. Game of chess, perhaps?

No.

Who heard the story about the commercial... What was that phone call

about?

Oh, well, that... Is Calypso coming here or isn't he?

Well, you'll never know who might pop in. Take yourself, Vincent. I knew it

was a pack of lies.

You're coming back to the station with me on a charge of assault.

But I tell you, Max Calypso's your man.

I'll check up on that when I've got you safely back at the station.

Won't you think seriously before you take this step? No!

I hate to leave you like this.

Come back.

You'll get 20 years for this. I've got to go now, but do make yourself at home.

Yeah, I thought that voice on the phone didn't sound like you. Yes, and I'll

tell you another thing. My camera's been missing the whole evening. It's as

though someone didn't want me to take photographs.

There was a guy waiting for Max at Chelsea Mansion.

Yes, they rumbled us. I don't like it.

I'm going to put them off the scent. What do you suggest?

I know.

We'll stage a robbery at Cora's flat while we're here.

It'll look like we're one of the victims.

Then we're in the clear.

That's all right, but who's going to do it? You are. I am? Sure.

Cora will give you the key.

All you've got to do is disarrange the place a bit.

When we get back...

I would just complain we've been robbed. No one's going to break into my flat.

I hate burglars. Shut up. This is for your own good. Yeah, that's what they

said when they sent me to reform school.

Shut up, will you? Now, look, you two, I don't like the idea of this at all.

Supposing I get caught?

Of course you won't. This is the only way, I tell you. Here, will you find

someone else to do it? Look, sweetheart, when the boss ain't around, I give the

orders, see?

You wouldn't like any nasty accidents to happen because you didn't cooperate,

would you?

All right, all right. Where's the key?

Hand it over.

Why can't he break in like us, making the job easy?

That's no way to learn a trade. I said hands it over.

Don't you touch my bacon ration.

Now look, the job won't take more than half an hour.

Go through the darkroom window, take my car, and come back the same way. You

just look as though you're developing a photograph.

Well, it might work. We'll wait here for you. All right.

Well, that ought to suit you, handsome.

These here are your premises, sir.

Well, I know, officer. I was asked to look after the place by a friend.

Oh, well, I must say they present a most unusual appearance.

Yeah, well, he's a very unusual person. He's an eccentric.

He says if the country's in a mess, why shouldn't he be?

Oh. Well, in my opinion, the circumstances smell highly suspicious.

I shall have to investigate.

Oh, there's no need to bother, officer. My friend just asked me to arrange a few

things for him. Oh, he did, did he? Yeah. Well, now, it'll be better for you

if you confess the old truth. Yes, but I... And nothing but the truth. But I

haven't done anything. I was asked to come here. Oh, so you won't confess, eh?

All right, Raffles, you got the methods with the sort of people like you.

Where's that guy got to? She'll be back by now.

Tell him to hurry up. I don't trust these crooks.

Yeah, better phone.

Who's the boss?

I'll tell you, I don't know. You're lying.

Who is he?

Hold up.

He'll be the worst for you. But I've told you, I don't know. Max gets his

instructions from someone else and we fixed up the robberies to ruin the club.

I've told you the truth, then let me go.

Go? We've only just started.

Oh, you stay there like a good boy.

Hello.

No, this is an officer of the law.

Who might you be?

Oh.

Well, I've got a very nasty character here who has just confessed to me all

about his confederates.

Don't believe him. Been there.

Yeah, good officer.

Yeah, you hold him there. We'll be right over.

Yep. Goodbye.

I've got to get back to your place right away.

The cops have got Bertie.

Serves him right.

That'll teach him to be honest in future.

Listen, genius.

He's blowing his gaff about his confederates.

What's a confederate? Ash, you dope. Don't you see? He's trying to save

himself by squealing.

Now look, when we get back there, deny everything. You ain't never seen Bertie

before. He's just a thief that's broken in.

Get it?

Yeah, I think so.

But we've seen him heaps of times.

Never mind about that.

Oh, what's the use? Look, let me do the talking, but remember this. You ain't

never seen him before.

Get it?

Okay. If you say so. Come on.

I haven't time.

You sing it, Tony.

He's singing.

Boo! No!

Nice work, officer. This is the owner.

How do you do? Good evening, madam. You low-down rat! I'll teach you to break

the place up! Get her off her legs! Why should I stop her? Ouch!

Didn't I say I'd do the talking, sweetheart?

The lady's naturally upset, officer.

So this is the thief, eh? Yes, sir.

Captured red-handed.

Cool, I'm glad you got here, Max. Don't you talk to me, you common burglar.

Well, I like that. It's a clear-cut case to me, officer. All you gotta do is put

him in the cooler. The lady and I'll give evidence. Why, you... Quiet, you

anti-social gangster.

Better take him off, officer. Don't you listen to him, officer. That's Max

Calypso, the one I was telling you about. And that's Cora. They're the ones

you want to arrest.

Stupid, isn't it? The way they try and talk their way out by lying. Well,

they're trying to frame me. Ask him his name. Ask him if he was a Max Calypso.

Sure, my name's Max.

That don't mean a thing.

I have to inform you that the prisoners made certain accusations against you,

sir. I guess we can ignore them. Can't believe a low type like that, eh?

Or a type like you.

Stand where you are. I'll have you now. Shut up! You can't bounce a cop, Max.

Cop? This is the guy from the club. The waiter. Your fiancé, Finkelstinker.

Look!

Well, hello there.

Well, I'll be... You bright squealer.

I'm gonna phone the boss.

You gotta move fast.

We captured that stupor again.

Yeah, I reckon we better do it tonight. Too many busybodies trailing us.

No, you don't!

Get back there. Hold on, boss.

Leave me alone, you little... Get her over there. See she don't start no

trouble. Say, boss, get this.

The dame's just turned up as well.

Must be trailing a pet bloodhound.

Sure. Yeah, we'll bring her along too.

Okay. Be seeing you.

Now, you two.

Think you're smart, don't you?

Well, you found out a bit too much.

I never did like you.

Little Lord Funkleroy. Don't you dare threaten Miss Wilson.

Shut up.

I'll jam this gun in your ribs. You wouldn't dare.

You and I talk too much.

Now listen, we're pulling the bank job tonight. We're going back to the club.

It'll be empty by now. We're taking these two along.

You won't get away with this. Oh, no? No, we'll put the whole police force on

your trail. Yeah, I don't think so somehow.

The boss has got plans for you and you.

I didn't say a word. Nice little plans. He's going to tell you about them

personally. Inspector Dobbs is already after you. That flatfoot.

Go get the car around the back.

And no double-cross. I ain't forgetting you. Oh, I'm sorry, Max. Go on, get

going.

See there ain't no one on the stairs.

I wouldn't like our friends to run into anybody under these embarrassing

circumstances. Okay, Max.

Now, you two, we're leaving.

You're going to walk in front of me like good little children, see?

And don't forget, I've got an awful happy trigger finger.

Can't you leave the lady and just take me?

Come on, you ham, get going.

Get over there. Oh, where? Shut up. Go on.

Find some rope in that bag.

Tie their hands.

Cora, keep them covered.

I got work to do. If they make a move, let them have it.

Okay.

There. Now get out of that butt.

Guess you didn't know about the old air shaft, did you?

So that's why you wanted the cloud. Yeah, that's why, sister.

Give me those leads.

Now the soup.

High explosive.

How'd you like it? Thick or clear?

Hey, you, climb in there.

What, me?

Yeah, you squealer. Yeah. Don't argue.

What do you want me to do?

30 foot down, you'll find a brick wall.

That's where the bank have extended their strong room.

Put the charge against the wall, and then they'll put tap to it.

Get it?

I think so. Right.

You couldn't tell... Get moving.

I

don't think

you're allowed.

I wonder if I might have a cigarette.

Yeah. Why not?

Make the most of it.

You're still there.

Would you be terribly kind to get my cigarette holder?

I'm absolutely lost without it. It's in my pocket here.

Oh, sure.

Help! Stand back. Move.

Who are you?

I couldn't help it. He took it from me. You doof!

Now we can get the police.

I don't believe you dare fire that thing. Now stand back.

Don't tempt me. I've got an awful happy trigger finger here.

Stand away, I say. I'm the one with the gun.

Why, so you are.

Quick, we'll lock them inside.

Give me that chair.

That should fix them. Come on, we'll phone the police.

Tony, hold this. Watch out for Max and Cora. We'll phone the police.

Not so fast, my friend.

Don't play the fool, old boy. They're the ones you should be pointing at. No,

Mr. Forrester.

You're the ones.

You stupid idiots.

It's maybe you better fix things, huh?

But boss, I could... Come on, quick.

The boss?

You?

Yes, me, the boss.

Now get back.

Fine head waiter you turned out to be.

Head waiter? It's all finished.

I work for myself now.

Stand where you are. All ready, boss.

Check those leads.

Good. That bank safe won't give me much trouble.

So clearly you stumbled on the truth to make it necessary for me to deal with

you. You didn't think the truth would escape me, did you? I suggest you work

here because there's a girl she want to call a police.

I think you are a fool and will discover nothing.

Well... So now we should take a little ride together, huh?

A little ride?

I'll be expecting that.

Do we have much trouble in getting petrol?

Better take Bertie along, too. The little rat tried to squeal on us. It's

very interesting.

We shall find room in the car for you. But, boss, I... Shut up. I don't like

squealers. All set, boss.

Good. Put up with your hands.

I can't, Bertie.

We'll take over from here.

I'd have been down here long ago if it hadn't been for you.

Go and get that charge from the air shaft.

I know what's been happening. We nabbed him outside and he told us. I'm so glad

you're here now.

Get hold of this beauty and take him out.

So, you're the head man, eh? That's right, but we wouldn't have caught him

if it hadn't been for Freddy. He seems frightfully brave.

It's nothing at all, except the fact that I have fists of iron.

Come on, get these two out of here. Put that down.

I've got a few more words to say to you. Oh, there's no necessity to lavish

praise on me, Inspector.

It's all in the day's work.

You lunatic, you numbskull, you menace at large. I'll teach you to catch me in

man traps. Inspector Freddy's been a... You'll get all the credit.

Hmm. But if that dangerous masquerading tomfool of yours ever gets in my way

again... He won't, I promise you.

Inspector, we had our little difficulties, but you'll have to admit

that once I got on the trail, everything went off with a bat.