Original subtitles

Check it out double-breasted timeless You'll never get away with this a fitted

suit on a pear shape.

You're insane.

What did I tell you about speaking?

I Guess somebody doesn't want their dinner pellets tonight

Just don't talk.

Got it.

Can I help you, officer?

Are you Calvin Sniglet of 3412 Vicious Circle?

Yeah.

We've been looking for you.

Is that right?

Afraid I've got some bad news.

There's been three break-ins in this neighborhood in the last month. We're

doing our best to keep the neighborhood safe, but keep your doors locked, and if

you see something, say something.

Sir, you mind opening the door so I can slip you my card?

What is that?

You think I wouldn't notice this?

You've got a low battery light on your smoke detector.

I've been meaning to change that.

I'll take care of it. You know, undetected flames is the number one

cause of fire in the home.

Okay, there you go. Thank you, officer.

My pleasure.

Oh, and you need to change your wife's newspaper.

locked up for a long time. I'm talking life.

No parole, no appeals.

And then she says her vows and boom, we're hitched. It's going to be

beautiful, sir. So where are we on Shoals? Has anyone found her? Not yet,

sir, but this should really speed things up. Oh, wow. That's great. Great

picture. There's a theory that Calvin Sniglet took her to get back at us for

ruining his plan to destroy humanity.

It's not a theory. He definitely has her. Listen to me. I want every resource

we have.

devoted to this. I also want every resource we have devoted to this other

murder.

30-year-old female Susan Lerner found dead in massage parlor. Somebody rubbed

her out, and you're going to find out who.

Giles, this will represent the final stage of your lieutenant training. Good

luck. Thank you, sir. You're in charge while I take a leave of absence for my

wedding and my honeymoon. But the second you hear anything, anything at all about

Scholz, contact me. How do we get... I'm unreachable. Oh, sir, your heart...

What are we looking at, Charles?

Oh, right.

I think we gotta get used to the fact that she might not be around anymore.

Any witnesses, Charles?

I'm a witness.

I found Ms. Lerner dead on the table. I'm Detective Tribeca. This is Detective

Tanner. Can we ask you a couple of questions?

Sure. Room number four. Take off the robe, get under the blanket, and I'll be

in in a minute.

Did you bring any extra underwear?

Susan's been a regular client for a couple of years.

I came in for her appointment and found her like that.

Did anyone hear anything?

Oh, I heard screaming, but I thought it was coming from Marco's room, because

his hot stones can be pretty hot.

Ooh, you got a lot of knots.

I have a lot going on right now.

Could you give us the names of all the masseuses working today?

Sure can. I can get them from the front desk.

Shoes would have had them names already.

I know.

Anybody want a happy ending? Yes, please.

Absolutely.

That'll do, Pink.

That'll do.

Anything yet?

I'm about to slice it open.

Here goes.

Are you seeing what I'm seeing? I see it, but I don't believe it.

This should do it. One final cut.

Whoa. Whoa, it's amazing.

My God.

Look at the layers.

Pepperoni, cheese, sauce.

And what's that on the crust?

Caramelized cheese.

Little Caesar's is getting busy.

Hmm. That's Little Caesar's deep, deep dish pizza.

Is this the forensics lab?

Mom? What are you doing here?

Oh, the temp agency sent me to be the new forensic specialist.

Mrs. Tribeca, great to see you.

Here's the body right over here.

Why did you dump him again?

Mom, stop it.

Oh, this is serious.

You don't know anything about forensics. Why did they send you here?

Because I told him I could type and that I have a doctorate in forensic science.

You know how to type?

No. Without Schultz.

Hopeless. These lacerations are consistent with an animal attack.

Look at the spaces between the claws. This woman was killed by a Bengal tiger.

Whoa.

How did you even... Neil Young.

I had a fascination with big cats and my derriere.

Mom! How did a tiger get into a massage parlor?

By dressing in human clothes.

Sniglet.

If you can find Sniglet, you can find Scholz.

Found him.

Good afternoon.

Calvin Sniglet, you're under arrest.

Not so fast.

Stand back. He's got a bed bug.

Jesus, you trained for this, but nothing can prepare you. Lay one hand on me and

I set him loose.

Have fun washing and re-washing your clothes.

Putting everything you own into bags.

Constantly scratching tiny bug bites. And worst of all, purchasing a brand new

mattress. I just got used to mine. We're miles away from Labor Day sales.

What do you want, Sniglet? Not much.

Just for you to close the L.A. Zoo and set all the animals free. No way. Never

gonna happen.

Then the animal attacks will continue.

And you'll be seeing Dr. Scholz back at the forensics lab.

Well, that's good.

As a corpse.

I walked right into that. Set all the zoo animals free.

And you can have your human back.

Uh-oh.

Siri, get me the mayor.

Calling Mayor Joe Perry.

Siri, hang up.

You can't...

It'll be chaos, and we can't have chaos this weekend. It's catastrophic.

We all enjoy the nation's largest cat festival, but I have to think about the

safety of our citizens.

If the lieutenant were here right now, you know what he'd say.

Giles, don't be foolish.

That's a good Atkins.

I couldn't stay away.

These are my future in-laws, Frank and Tonya. Can you point me to the bathroom?

Down the hall and make it quick.

These animal attacks will continue unless we listen to Sniglet's demands,

not to mention Scholl's. We have no choice.

Sniglet is a madman. If we give in to him now, who knows what he'll do next.

Damn it, Giles. 90% of the city's revenue comes from zoo tickets.

Detroit has cars. Wisconsin has cheese.

L.A. has fat people roaming around looking at animals in cages.

Phew, that's better. Welcome back, Mrs.

Wiener. Now if potty time is over, we have a rehearsal dinner to get to.

All my life, I've wanted to be the kind of lieutenant who prevents people from

getting killed.

Give me the mayor.

I'm closing the zoo.

Oh, wow, that's so wrong.

I know what you're gonna say.

Closing the zoo was a mistake.

People are still getting killed, Sniglet lied, and... Scholz is no closer to

being found.

Your career is doomed, Giles.

Good doomed or bad doomed.

And as far as Dr.

Scholz... Monica, you're alive.

How did you escape?

I used my bun to pick the lock on the cage.

After that, it was a simple matter of seducing an armadillo and then walking

out the front door. After which, Monica and I had quite a nice talk.

Didn't we, Monica?

It was okay.

Giles, I was quite intrigued to learn that you were not only having an

inappropriate relationship with the head of forensics, but that subsequently you

were having an inappropriate relationship with another detective.

Why are you doing this?

I could talk about things like ethics in civil service, transparency in law

enforcement, but the simple truth is, you traded hoes, now we trade in blows.

Acting Lieutenant Giles, you are hereby suspended.

Mr. Mayor, please, we can fix this. It's not Giles' fault. Are you speaking as a

cop? Or an ex-lover. Ex-lover.

In accordance with the line of succession, Detective Hoffman is acting

lieutenant.

Giles, don't worry. We're going to figure this out.

You were right, Angie.

It was a mistake for me to even try.

You suspended a good cop.

Maybe the best.

I told you about the secret bathroom.

Angela Tribeca.

Dr. Hornbein, I need your help.

Please, sit down.

Calvin Sniglet has somehow trained the zoo animals to attack humans.

So the hunted are becoming the hunters, the consumed are becoming the consumers,

the downtrodden are becoming the up-not-trodden. I don't know how to stop

him. Personal things, please.

Fine.

I found out my father was alive.

He faked his own death when I was 12.

I went to see him and he ran away again. Yes, yes, I know that. What I want you

to tell me is how did that make you feel?

Angry. That's a secondary emotion.

How did it make you feel?

Sad. Alone.

Those are all secondary emotions.

Tell me, how did it make you feel?

Hurt.

Hurt, yes.

That's easy to hurt children.

They have no control over what happens to them. Neither do animals, actually.

Mr. Sniglet is both an animal and a child.

Now he's fighting for control.

How do we stop him?

Oh, I'll help you.

Under one condition.

And now, by the power vested in me from the state of California, the city of Los

Angeles, and audible.com, I now pronounce you lieutenant and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Total failure.

Hey, he's just a guy who's trying to do the right thing, and it resulted in

seven people dying. Total failure is the name of the drink. It's two shots of

Four Loko and a can of new Coke.

I'm worried about you, Giles.

Why don't you just go hang out with your serial killer date?

It's the only way I could get him to agree to help me find Sniglet.

Lieutenant Hoffman signed off on it.

Sorry.

I'll make Lieutenant soon.

Honestly, I haven't given it a second thought.

Thanks for letting me read the first draft of your book.

I love the end when he makes Lieutenant.

I'm not great at emotional pep talks and inspire people to action, but for you,

I'm going to give it a shot.

Ow!

Quit feeling sorry for yourself and step up to the plate, you big pussy.

People need you.

And if you're going to focus on what you've lost and not on what you have,

then you're really stupid.

I'm talking to myself, too. My dad left me. Who cares?

I raised myself, and I became a great cop.

I was basically my own dad.

So what if no one ever told me how sex works?

That explains a lot.

When bad stuff happens, the dad in us picks up the little kid in us, and we

get the job done.

So?

Ready to go to work?

Son?

Yeah.

If I could have everyone's attention, please, I'd like to say a few words

about my mentor, the man who's taught me right from wrong, courage under fire,

the difference between there, there, and there, and how to take care of the

weakest among us, the animals.

I'm talking, of course, about Calvin Sniglet.

Hello, everyone.

Oh, my God, she's with him.

It's going to be so much fun shooting her. Welcome, everyone, to the last, to

the last.

Hello. Come on. Seriously?

Check two.

Check. Hello.

Ah, come on.

Hello. Can you hear me? Anybody? Can I check it? Check it two. Check. Give me

check two.

Hello. Check. Come on.

One, two.

Can I get another microphone, please? Do you see?

Yeah, just give me a new microphone. This is... How about now? Can you hear

me? Check. Yeah, there we go. Okay.

Much better. All right. We're good now, folks.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your last day on Earth.

Humans are the most destructive force this planet has ever seen, and it ends

today.

Calvin. Oh, hey, Angie. Good to see you.

Turn yourself in.

We know your heart's in the right place.

The way that we treat animals is absolutely insane.

But killing all the humans isn't the answer.

Go volunteer.

Be an activist.

Heck, run for mayor. You got my vote.

It doesn't matter anyway.

Humans had their time on Earth.

But like all species, they eventually go extinct.

I'm just here to speed up the process.

You can't win.

There's too many of us. You're right.

I'm all alone.

Or am I?

Say hello to my little friend.

Devour them!

Damn, I thought it was a jet ski.

Hunter, let me loose.

I'm a trained zookeeper.

Hello,

my majestic jungle.

If I never be in another porta-potty again, it'd be too

sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

It's pretty bad out there.

We might not make it out alive.

I just want to say, I always planned on getting back together with you when I

ran out of options.

That means a lot to me, but we're gonna be okay.

Sniglet's dead, and I'm sure the tiger's getting full.

We just need a weapon.

Angie, hand me the... Angie?

Hey, Stripes!

Pick out someone your own size!

Shit.

Bad kitty.

You have the right to remain endangered.

Giles.

Giles.

Giles.

I'm not going to make it. No, no. Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

And you should know that I love you more than I've ever loved anybody or

anything.

More than my parents, siblings, chocolate, money.

You'll always be my partner.

And now I'll always be alone.

Congratulations.

What was that?

I said...

Congratulations, Lieutenant.

Good work, Detective Giles.

Or should I say... Lieutenant Giles.

I mean, this was all... The final exam.

You passed with flying colors.

But what about Sniglet and the zookeeper?

Say hello to Todd Bender from Vice.

And Chris Harbinson from the daycare center.

Special kudos to Harbinson. He had to spend 15 years in prison to prepare for

this. So fun.

You got married, right? Yeah, right.

Say hello to my niece, Natasha.

Good to see you, Uncle Pritikin. You too, honey.

But the tiger.

Congratulations.

But if it means anything, I was into the handcuffs.

We went to different cities tracking Sniglet. He killed people.

All death row inmates said we're going to get executed anyway.

What?

There were times when people worked the case that I wasn't there.

Giles, you're overthinking it, as usual.

Well, you know what is real?

This party.

So let's get to it.

I feel good.

I knew that I wouldn't. I feel good.

I knew that I wouldn't.

What

a

party, huh?

We have the taxpayers to thank.

I'm probably going to put you in a big office.

I'm going to miss having you near me.

Oh, that reminds me. I did such a good job at the guiles training. I got

promoted to captain.

I get to keep my office, you stay at your desk, and everything stays exactly

the same.

You're under arrest for the murder of Angie Tribeca.

Murder?

But bad as her.

We just received some disturbing news.

This is not Angie Tribeca.