Original subtitles

[Dusty Springfield's "Wishin' And Hopin'" playing]

♪ Wishin' and hopin' And thinkin' and prayin'... ♪

[exhales]

-I'm sorry about this. -Don't you dare apologize.

Thanks to you, we can afford to get the other car fixed.

-Tell him, boys. -Bye, Dad.

-It's all right, Dad. -Whatever.

[both chuckle]

-Love you. -Love you, darling.

Ooh, and tell your boss I hope she gets heart disease.

Ooh. [chuckles]

Morning, Ted.

Hey, Higgins.

-[grunts] -[all] Ooh!

Is he dead?

No, I mean, it's my fault for staring at my phone.

I can't stop checking on my family's flight.

I haven't shared this with many folks,

but Michelle and I, we've been having some marital issues.

Ted, you really don't have to talk about this if you don't want to.

Oh, I don't mind. Tried couples' therapy. Didn't like the other couple though.

-[laughs] -Mm.

Oh, it feels good to laugh.

Yeah. Our therapist gave us this code word to use.

If either of us says "Oklahoma", the other one has to tell the truth.

It's pretty helpful. Did ruin the musical for me though.

So now every time I hear "Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'"

or what-- "The Surrey with the Fringe on Top," or...

-"Shall We Dance"? -No, that's from King and I.

Anyway, if I hear any of those tunes, I think about my wife

telling me that my constant optimism is too much.

And this sharing of feelings

is because I opened up to you about my ex-husband at the gala?

-Yes, ma'am. -Well, that's a lesson learned.

Oh, come on now. I bet deep down you kind of dig we're getting so close.

I do.

-Oklahoma? -I do not.

♪ Yeah, it might be all that you get ♪

♪ Yeah, I guess this might well be it ♪

♪ But heaven knows I've tried ♪

Jamie?

You up?

Hello? Is... Is Jamie here?

Oh, my God. You're Keeley Jones.

Yeah, I am.

Hi, Jamie.

No, no. You can't get mad. You broke up with me.

Like, 24 hours ago.

How long's a man meant to be alone?

What am I supposed to do? Shower by myself?

Sorry, can I just say, I'm your biggest fan.

I follow your Insta, your Snap, everything.

Wow, thank you.

And, Jamie, thank you.

Whenever I break up with someone, I spend months questioning it,

wondering if I made a huge fucking mistake.

But you've helped me to feel good about this decision, just by...

being you.

-You're welcome. -What?

You said I made you feel good about your decision.

Yeah.

Did you mean it?

-Yes. -Then, you're welcome.

I like to make people feel good.

-Mm-hmm. -Mm!

You still gonna be around for the promo shoot later?

Oh, the promo shoot that I've spent weeks setting up for you? Yes.

It was nice to meet you.

Oh...

[players chattering]

Yes, yes, yes!

Yes, Jamie! Jamie, Jamie!

Jamie, I'm open.

Jamie!

-What are you doing? That was going in. -We'll never know.

Jamie, how many times do I gotta tell you to make the extra pass?

Sam was more open than the jar of peanut butter on my kitchen counter.

-[player] What? What's he talking about? -[all murmuring]

Oh, y'all don't know I like to keep the peanut butter open.

So whenever I walk by, I can just stick my finger in there.

Oh.

-Good idea, to be fair. -Yeah, it is.

Look, when Sam is that open, you pass to him.

But why? Even when Sam's open, Sam is still shit.

I heard my name. What did he say?

-Don't worry about it. -Okay.

We gotta play like a team tomorrow, or we're gonna get our butts kicked.

Extra passes.

We're gonna keep doing this until we get it right. Let's go.

[Henry] Dad!

Practice is canceled.

That is a lot longer run than he thinks.

Metaphor.

-[Ted] Hey! -[Henry] Daddy!

I thought y'all would meet me halfway, but that's all right. Hey, buddy!

-Helicopter! -Oh, you got it. Ooh!

Two spins. How about that? You're gonna be a dizzy fella there.

-Slower helicopter. -No way. Come on now.

[both laughing]

[sighs] I missed you so much.

-[Henry] Group hug. -[Ted] Hey! There he is.

Hey, big guy. Look how tall you got. What the heck?

And look at this. You got teeth now?

-I already had teeth! -And you can talk!

Also, Miss Welton, sorry to report,

but this weekend's match will not be completely sold out.

Not a surprise.

We've lost four matches in a row, and we're facing relegation.

But why be sorry? I think it's all going rather smashingly.

Ah.

I'm happy to be the new brand ambassador for Darsteiner.

The favorite beer of Jamie Tartt.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Get my tats.

Get that one. It's very important to me. Chinese for "arm".

[snapping]

-[Keeley] Jamie. -What?

-Just drink. -Yeah.

No judgment, but are you back with that twat?

Bon appetit.

No. We're done. God, I love that you care though.

I'd kiss you on the mouth if I could reach those lips.

You know, I put this whole thing together. I get 10%.

Hey, do you like mythology?

You've seen a unicorn. You ever seen a brewnicorn?

[neighs, chuffs]

-That's fucking funny. -Oh, no.

What's that? It's my beer-by.

-Come on. -Okay.

Y'all getting all this for free. Not even extra.

Keeley. If any of the other players needed some branding work done,

is that something you'd be interested in?

Don't offer me a job 'cause I was nice to you in the loo the other night.

Why not? Men give each other jobs in toilets all the time.

Yeah, they do.

-I meant employment. Like job-jobs. -So not hand, or blow, or foot?

Foot?

Oh, you're right. Technically, it would be feet, right?

Just give it a thought.

Unless you want to carry on doing... What is it you do?

I'm sort of famous for being almost famous.

Excellent. Maybe think of it as a plan B.

Yeah.

Okay, little tip for y'all.

Fries are called "chips". Chips are called "crisps".

And "bangers" aren't great songs,

but they do make you feel like dancing 'cause they're so darn tasty.

When you gonna win a game, you fucking wanker?

Hey, Baz. Fellas. This here is my wife Michelle.

Pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Lasso.

-Nice recovery. Well executed. -Yeah, coach's wife. She's heard it all.

-Yeah. -Hi, Ted. Hello, young man.

Here are the darts. There's the board. Try not to hit any regulars.

[Ted] Yeah, go have fun.

-Your table's this way. -Go on. After you.

-Three fish-and-chips? -Yes, please. And two pints.

-I like your style. -Yeah.

Look at this. You...

Do they wrap the fish-and-chips in newspaper?

-I read they do that here. -No, no. I wish.

Boy, I'd love that. Having my food teach me stuff?

Yeah, that's your dream scenario.

A donut that knows about Rosa Parks or something.

Yeah. Exactly. Can fit a lot of wisdom just in the hole.

Yeah.

-Oh. You already done, bud? -Yeah, he probably should be.

-Ooh. Well, I'm sorry about that. -Happens all the time.

-What are you doing? -I'm just curious, yeah?

The photographer will send me the pictures and I'll kill those that look like shit.

Then I'll send them to you.

Firstly, there won't be anywhere I look like shit because...

And B, why don't you just bring them over and we can look at them together?

Maybe we're naked.

Oh. [laughs]

Hard no. Thank you again, Jamie.

Smart move.

Excuse me?

I have to hang out with that prick.

The fact that you would choose to be with him is frankly mind-blowing.

I'm not with him. We broke up.

We're working together, actually. And who asked you anyway, huh?

Right.

I didn't know that, so... Apologies.

No, it's fine. Weigh in on my life.

I'll make sure I text you anytime I have to make a decision, yeah?

In training, Sam was wide open and Jamie wouldn't pass to him.

But Sam was wide open. Now that's what I'm dealing with.

[phone chimes]

Yes.

-Here it is. -Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay.

-Now, hold on a second. -["Bring It On Home To Me" playing]

Think we might have missed a page. Oh, boy.

Don't you wanna go ride a real double-decker bus?

-After we finish. -Mm-hmm. See? I like that.

First we gotta build it, then we can ride it.

It's kind of a Field of Dreams paradigm.

[laughs] Okay.

Well, six hands are better than four.

♪ I know I laughed when you left ♪

♪ But now I know I only hurt myself♪

♪ Baby, bring it to me ♪

♪ Bring your sweet loving ♪

♪ Bring it on home to me ♪

-♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ -♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[Ted] Good morning. Hey, how you doing?

-Hey, look at that scarf. I like it. -Oi! Wanker. Don't you fuck up the match.

I appreciate you. We'll see what happens, huh?

Hey, check it out.

You never seen one of these before. That right there, that's a scone, okay?

Tastes like a muffin, but it sucks all your spit out.

There's your breakfast.

-All right? What do you say? -[Henry] Thanks, Dad!

Okay. There you go. Some people's kids... Holy moly.

It's nice, isn't it?

-Oh. Yeah. I can make us some breakfast. -What's wrong?

Nothing. I think I'm just jet-lagged.

I'm fine, Ted.

No, no. No. Michelle, you got to talk to me. Okay?

Oklahoma.

Every day...

I wake up hoping that I'll feel the way I felt in the beginning.

But maybe that's just what marriage is, right?

I'll keep trying. You know I will.

Ready to go!

[clears throat]

[Ted] You're gonna need pants, kiddo.

-Yeah. Let's get some pants. Come on. -You know...

I mean, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Marriage. Just so complicated. So many different challenges and...

I think-- I don't know. I'm sorry. You ever been married?

Ha!

Nate, Coach's views on romantic relationships

are not too dissimilar from his views on cooking steak.

Spend more than five minutes on one, loses its flavor.

-That sound about right, Coach? -Yeah.

Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

Fire away.

If you were worried about your relationship,

why did you fly 4438 miles away?

That is a specific number to know off the top of your head.

My dad used to be a cartographer. Used to say I was .001 miles tall.

Yeah. Well, it's a good question. Why do it?

I think at some point, I realized that

me being around so much was doing more harm than good.

Anytime I tried to solve any of her problems...

or do something sweet for her, it just would backfire.

And then she and this therapist we were working with

decided that maybe the best thing to do would be to give her a little space.

And so...

-Well, I gave her 4400 and... -38.

...38 miles' worth of it.

[knocking on door]

Sorry to interrupt. I was told one of you had my phone.

Oh. Thank heavens.

I deleted some apps to optimize performance.

Not Battleships, I hope.

Ah. Oh, well. I was playing that too much anyway.

I'll leave you lads to your match day planning.

Wait, hold your horse. You mind if I get your take on something?

Wow, of course. Uh...

Very exciting to be invited into the inner sanctum.

Team Lasso, as it were.

You and the missus. Y'all been together a while, yeah?

-Oh, yes, 28 years. -Oh.

Five boys, three dogs, one 20-year-old cat

whose impending death will wreck me emotionally,

and one small house that manages to fit us all in it.

Sounds like a full life.

But I assume y'all have had your fair share of hard times.

Did you not hear the five boys, tiny house, dying cat part?

-[meows] -[all chuckle]

That's the thing.

If you're with the right person, even the hard times are easy.

[whistles] Someone call 911. I wanna report a truth bomb.

I think they do 999 here.

-It is-- -That's 999.

-It is, yeah. -[Ted] For emergencies?

That seems troublesome to me.

You know, toddlers and just butt dials and...

'Cause it's one key.

You'd probably have police cars and ambulances zipping all over the place.

-Happens a lot, doesn't it? -It does. Yeah. That explains it.

There you have it.

-[crowd cheering] -[Arlo] Arlo White here with Chris Powell.

Live from Nelson Road Stadium, the home of AFC Richmond.

All right, get in a fucking circle. Let's throw this down!

Right, hands in. On three. One, two, three...

-[all] Richmond! -Let's go! Let's go!

[player] Let's go! Let's go, boys!

Let's go!

Jamie, you a germophobe?

I'm trying to think of a reason you didn't put your hand in with the team.

Didn't want to.

Sometimes you remind me of my grandma with the channel hopper.

You just push all the wrong buttons.

Well, then, how's about you and me make a deal?

Okay, I'm listening.

You get to keep on preaching all of your yeehaw bullshit,

and in exchange, I'll keep ignoring you because this team is tragic.

I score all the goals, and I'm the only one they come to see.

Does that sound fair? Hands in.

I'd love to hash out the nuances there, but I'm not having the best of days--

Doesn't matter what you say.

In my head, I'm just hearing the crowd cheer my name after I score a goal.

♪ Jamie Tartt, doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo Jamie Tartt, doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo ♪

As undeniably catchy as that tune is, I need you to cut the crap right now.

Dad!

Hey, big guy. There he is. Hey.

[Henry] Jamie Tartt?

-Hello, little lad. -Would you sign my shirt?

[Jamie] All right, turn around.

That's pretty cool, huh?

[Jamie] Now, next time I score a goal, it won't just be for me.

It'll be for you too.

And for me. But just for us.

-[Henry] Cool. -Good lad.

Good boy.

Come on, let's get out there.

♪ Jamie Tartt, doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo Jamie Tartt, doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo ♪

-[all clamoring] -[Arlo] Link finds space.

He rears back to shoot it.

Oh! A stunning goal by the Canadian midfielder!

I hate that poxy wanker! Fucking Lasso!

-Nice family though. -Damn it, Paul! Don't humanize him!

Well, after only six minutes, Richmond are 2-0 down.

And the Richmond supporters

-are making their feelings known. -[crowd chanting] Wanker! Wanker! Wanker!

[Arlo] Chris, you have to think, if this continues,

Lasso's time at Richmond will be short and not very sweet.

-Tartt receives the ball. Clever there. -Go on, Jamie.

He finds space. He has Obisanya on the right.

No, he's doing it himself.

And, oh, what a finish!

Jamie Tartt with an incredible solo goal!

Jamie Tartt, you fucking king!

♪ Jamie Tartt, doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo Jamie Tartt, doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo ♪

[Arlo] And thanks to budding superstar Jamie Tartt,

Richmond are right back in it at 2-1 in the 29th minute!

-What's he yelling? -"Me."

He's pointing at the name on his back and repeatedly yelling "me".

Me!

I thought he was saying "meat". But yours makes a lot more sense. Okay.

[Arlo] Obisanya joins the attack. Oh! The Nigerian is taken out!

-[whistle blows] -Come on, ref! They got to knock that off!

[Arlo] It'll be a yellow card here for Benson.

And you have to say, he got off easy there.

-Obisanya is still down. -He might be hurt.

Yeah.

Excuse me, mate.

Oi! Check on your fucking teammate.

[Arlo] Oh, the captain dispensing some wisdom to the young superstar.

Nothing wrong with that.

-Sam? -[Sam] Yeah?

I'm gonna have to move you there. There you go.

-What is your fucking problem? -[Arlo] Oh! What is this? Kent and Tartt

-are at each other's throats! -Oh, God. Okay.

-Guys! Knock it off! -[Arlo] Hopefully cooler heads'll prevail.

-I'll fucking kill you! -Same team!

-[Chris] Unacceptable, Arlo. -[Arlo] Have you ever struck a teammate?

-[Chris] No, but I've wanted to. -For what? He's my own player.

-[Chris] I'm actually a bit jealous. -You gotta be...

[Arlo] We haven't seen this since 2001 in Newcastle.

And a season of lows for Richmond sinks even further still.

You all right, Sam?

Honestly, it doesn't even hurt anymore.

But everyone was making such a fuss, I thought I should just stay down.

No. Listen. I'm gonna pull you up, you're gonna pretend to limp very badly,

and you're gonna gesture like you think you can bravely go on.

-They'll love it. -Oh, okay.

[Arlo] Obisanya is on his feet, but can he continue?

Is he okay?

-[Arlo] Looks like he'll play... -[crowd cheering]

-...through the pain. Such determination.

-You love to see it. -Attaboy, Sam!

[Arlo] Tartt steps up to take the free kick

with an opportunity to tie the game.

Will he find a teammate or go for glory?

With Tartt, that's usually a rhetorical question.

And he's done it!

That's two for Jamie Tartt,

and Richmond are level in the 38th minute!

-[Chris] He's a special player, Arlo. -Look at this.

[Arlo] And you have to wonder. Where would Richmond be without him?

I'll be right back.

[Arlo] We certainly haven't seen this before.

Ted Lasso is running into the stands.

-Well, where the hell is he off to? -[woman] What's the wanker doing?

[Chris] He's not slowing down on those steps.

That's some real impressive cardio from Ted Lasso there.

[fans chattering]

-Hey, Rebecca. -Hello, Ted.

-You're doing great, Dad. -Yeah, you got this.

Thanks, guys. I wanna bench Jamie.

But I wanted to check with you first.

But, Ted, you're the manager.

So whatever you decide, you have my full support.

Thanks, boss. All right. Later, alligators.

Bye, Dad.

[Arlo] And it appears Coach Lasso has decided

to rejoin the match already in progress.

Roberts, warm up. You're going in. Let's go. Come on.

Hey, highlighter. We got ourselves a sub.

-Sixteen's going in for nine. -Okay.

Appreciate you, sir. Thank you.

Okay.

Well, it looks like Lasso is making an early substitution here.

He's bringing Roberts on, and he's taking off...

-[fans] What?! -[Arlo] Jamie Tartt?

[fans clamoring]

He's our best player!

-[crowd booing] -Me?

[all chanting] You don't know what you're doing!

You don't know what you're doing! You don't know what you're doing!

What on earth?

He's taking off his best player.

And with less than a minute remaining in the half.

-[crowd] Wanker! Wanker! Wanker! -[announcer] Roberts for number 9, Tartt.

Way to play out there. Way to get us back in.

[Jamie] Shut up.

Fucking stupid twat.

-[crowd chanting] Wanker! Wanker! -[Arlo] The referee looks at his watch,

-and that's halftime. -[whistle blows]

What kind of reception awaits Lasso in his locker room?

[players murmuring]

Oi, sit down and listen.

We got ourselves a tied game. Nice work.

Fellas, we're broken.

We need to change. And, look, I know change can be scary.

One minute, you're playing freeze tag out there at recess with all your buddies.

Next thing you know, you're getting zits, your voice gets low.

And every time your art teacher Miss Scanlon leans over your desk

to check and see how your project's going, you feel all squiggly inside.

[chuckles]

Mm.

She was a striking woman.

Not classically beautiful, but striking.

First time I ever saw tan lines.

Most of the time, change is a good thing. Now, I think that's what it's all about.

Embracing change.

Being brave.

Doing whatever you have to, so that everyone in your life...

can move forward with theirs.

'Cause maybe it's the only way you can truly help her be happy.

Obviously by "her", I'm referring to Lady Football.

Good save.

Sam, we're gonna shift you to midfield for the second half.

Beard's gonna walk y'all through the rest of the changes.

Oh, hey, hey, hey. One last thing.

I want everyone's eyes on me when I say this. Look at me.

[player claps]

-Never really liked Tartt. -We know, Roy.

Everybody, come on.

[Arlo] Two minutes of added time remaining.

Still level at two goals apiece.

Richmond have played well, even without Jamie Tartt.

Here we go. Oh, he's open. He's open. He's open.

-There you go. -[Arlo] A through ball from Cockburn.

And Kent is off to the races!

Kent has only one man to beat.

He could take it himself

but he makes the extra pass to a wide open Obisanya!

Oh! And he buries it!

Oh, my God! Whoo!

[Arlo] Richmond take the lead

with barely a minute of stoppage time left.

[announcer] Scorer for Richmond's third goal, number 24, Sam Obisanya.

[whistle blows]

-I'm so sorry! I'm just so happy! -No, I love it! I love this energy!

-Here, Coach. -Oh, yeah!

That's the way you do it! Nicely done, gentlemen! Nicely done!

Way to do it! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Took balls, what you did.

That's all we got is balls, Roy. It's all we got.

All right! Yeah! There you go. Way to play.

-[crowd chanting] Wanker! Wanker! -How about that, Coach?

-You hear that, Coach? -[chanting continues] Wanker! Wanker!

-Well, same word, ain't it? -Yeah, but different.

[chanting continues] Wanker! Wanker!

Yeah, kind of like back in the '80s when bad meant good, right?

-Who was President back then? -Ronald Reagan.

-"Ronald Reagan? The actor?" -[laughing] Oh, man.

I love it when you do Doc Brown. You walked me right into that.

[chanting continues] Wanker! Wanker! Wanker!

There's your dad, right there.

Daddy! Dad!

Hey! There he is!

[whooping]

How about that? We won one.

-[Henry] Daddy? -Yeah?

What's a wanker?

Well, kiddo. That is a... That's a man that likes to be alone with his thoughts.

Make sense?

Let's give you a better view of all this. Ready? [grunts]

Get up there, kiddo. Look at that.

Wave to the people. That's it. Let them know. Let them see, huh?

Oh, shit.

[Mumford & Sons' "Forever" playing]

One touch.

I keep thinking about the first time we met back at school.

Us being the only two people in that big old parking lot at the exact same time.

[chuckles softly]

So random.

No way for us to know that it was going to be the start of something.

[yelps] Oh.

-Hey. -Did I scare you?

You snuck up on a woman in a parking lot at night.

Yeah, Roy, well done.

I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I was also an idiot yesterday, so...

It's okay.

Good night, Keeley.

Good night, Roy.

[Ted] I look back at everything we've been through,

and I wouldn't change a single thing.

Even now.

What are you saying?

Michelle, if there is something I could do or something I could say

that would make you be happy just being with me, I'd do it.

I'd do it in a nanosecond.

But I ain't got no control over any of that.

You don't have to keep trying anymore. It's okay.

I'm gonna be okay.

Yeah?

[Shannon and Henry laughing]

-[Shannon] Okay, quick feet. There we go. -[Ted] Shoot.

I promised myself I would never quit anything in my life.

But you're not quitting, Ted.

♪ I know I've had you troubled... ♪

You're just letting me go.

Hey...

-Yeah. -[Shannon laughs] Come on.

[both] Oh...

-[Shannon] You ready? -Yeah. Thank you.

-It's all right. -I appreciate you, Shannon. Thank you.

Hey, buddy. I'm gonna see you the second after the season's over, okay?

-And we'll talk every day? -Absolutely.

Just like we do, big guy. You know it. Okay? Well, give me a hug, please. Yeah.

♪ So if you doubt for the time That you're spending... ♪

Okay, now, okay.

Hey, I love you. Go ahead, get on.

♪ And if you doubt For the love in your heart ♪

♪ Think of London And the girl you're returning ♪

♪ And the days you defend Will turn to gold ♪

♪ So love with your eyes Love with your mind ♪

♪ Love with your Dare I say forever ♪

♪ Do it for yourself ♪

♪ Do it for the girl ♪

♪ Do it for your Dare I say forever ♪

Oi, wanker. Good job tonight.

Thank you, sir.

Keep an eye on us. We might be turning this thing around.

♪ But we could live quite happily And quietly unfazed ♪

♪ So if you doubt for the time That you're spending ♪

♪ And if you doubt For the love in your heart ♪

♪ Think of London And the girl you're returning ♪

♪ And the days you defend Will turn to gold ♪

♪ So love with your eyes ♪

♪ Love with your mind ♪

♪ Love with your ♪

♪ Dare I say forever♪