Original subtitles

[Shane] Yo!

-[Will] Hey, look at you! -Yeah?

-Someone's ready for their big debut. -Feel like I look like an asshole.

-You see my nipples too much? -Can't see nipples. You look great.

Crazy we're gonna be on TV. Ever been on TV?

-No. -Should I wear collared shirts more often?

-[Will] 100%. -Like a bitch.

[knock on door]

Hi, Phil.

Uh, Phil actually stepped down. Can I help you?

Yeah. My name's Claude. This is Nora.

We're from Coastal Tire.

Phil had reached out to us about selling a couple locations.

Oh. Yeah, Phil's no longer here,

and we're not looking to sell those two stores, so…

[both laugh]

Well, we drew up an offer just in case you were still interested.

Maybe you wanna take a look and reconsider.

-Wow, that's for two stores? -Holy shit!

Oh no, that's for the entire chain.

-There's six stores. -Correct.

[Will scoffs]

We actually think it's quite generous.

Well, they're worth way more than that, so no.

Well, maybe now, but if we open nearby,

we fear your stores will be worth significantly less than that.

See, we are moving our chain into the area no matter what happens to Valley Forge.

So we thought the right thing to do would be to offer you a chance to get out

before you can't, hmm.

-Is that a threat? -[both scoff]

-No, sir! -God no!

[Claude] It is not a threat.

A threat would be if I came in here and said,

"If you don't sell us these stores at this price,

we are gonna come to town and crush you so hard,

you're gonna wish you were dead."

That… That would be a threat. A hypothetical.

Okay, uh, hypothetically,

what if I bend you over and rip your pants down

and start finger-blasting your ass right now?

-Who are you? -I'm… I'm one of the owners.

Your zipper's down.

Okay, you know what? Just get out of my office!

-Yeah, get the fuck out of here. -Okay. I guess we'll see you soon.

Take your proposal!

-It'll be lower next time you read it. -[Nora] Get ready, boys.

-Holy crap! -Fuck were they?

I don't know. Think I should call the police?

You gonna call the police and say two fucking crazy people came in

and just made fun of us?

-Yeah! -[Shane] I don't know if you can do that.

He was the fucking man.

No, he… No, Shane, he's not the man. He's crazy.

I would hang out with him if it wasn't for all the shit he said.

Oh my God, my heart's just beating out of my chest right now.

-It's a hell of a first day. -[Will] Yeah.

[percussive music playing]

[sighs]

[mellow acoustic music playing]

Yo, Cal, I got three cars that need oil changes.

Can you maybe stop trying to fuck this car and get to them?

Could you stop saying I'm trying to fuck cars?

[ominous music playing]

Don't look in the trunk of the Pontiac.

[upbeat pop music playing]

Welcome back to Good Day, and what a beautiful day it is.

That it is. That it is.

This week was the elementary school's art fair at the West Chester Library…

I can't believe those assholes showed up.

We'll turn this around and put them out of business.

Fuck those guys, trying to scare us.

-[woman 1] …see some unique pieces. -That we did. That we did.

[woman 1] The winner went to Reuben Myers for his painting, Cat in My Tub…

-You all right? -[woman 2] The description helps…

Yeah, yeah. Is it… Is it, like, really hot in here?

Dude, it's fucking freezing.

[woman 1] …Grace Martin's painting, My Revenge.

But her parents and school psychologist confirmed she is in fact doing just fine…

It feels, like, insanely bright.

-Very bright. -[woman 1] Let's go to Dave for sports.

[man] Clear!

-[man] Guys, wanna come to the green room? -[Shane] Yeah.

Oh damn, dude, we get our own green room?

We're like Guns N' Roses.

I hope you fucking OD back here. Hoagies, wings?

-No, wait! What are you doing? -What?

Don't go for them. We're about to go on air!

-Why? -Don't go on with a full stomach.

I'm not gonna be full. It's fucking 15 wings. It's fine.

Just start with the yogurt, get a base, and when we're done with the segment,

you can come back, hit the trough, go hog wild.

-I'm not gonna eat fucking yogurt. -It's good for gut health. High protein.

You know what else has protein, is good in your gut, and yours is filled with it?

Uh, "cum."

-[Shane] Ew, dude, no! -Oh, don't--

[Shane] Get your head out of the fucking gutter.

-Hey, guys. -[Will] Okay.

-Hi. -Hi.

-[Shane] Hey. -I'm Jamie. I'm one of the producers here.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Will. Thank you so much for having us.

I'm Shane.

Thank you.

-Yeah. -[Shane] Yeah.

Nice. Wings. [chuckles]

Most people go with veggie platters or hummus bullshit, so…

I love wings.

[Jamie] Yeah.

Me too.

I tried to give 'em up for Lent last year. I made it a week.

Oh no! That means you're gonna go to hell. I'm gonna go to hell too.

Will's gonna go to hell, but it's gonna be a different one.

Oh, well, can't wait.

[both chuckle]

Uh, all right. Well, today's segment's gonna be nice and easy.

We're gonna bring you guys out, ask you some pothole questions,

all softballs, and then you can plug your shop.

-[Shane] Awesome. -[Jamie] Sounds good?

-Yeah. -You got some time, so enjoy your wings.

[laughs]

-[Jamie] Back in a bit. -[Shane] Awesome.

-Bye. -[Shane] Thank you, yeah. Bye.

Ooh!

Holy fuck, I love her so much.

If she tells me to kill you, I'll fucking kill you right now.

-Okay. -I'll do whatever she says.

She's very pretty.

-What'd you say about my future wife? -She's pretty.

-I would kill you for her. -[Will] Okay.

[ominous music playing]

[Cal] Shit.

[beeping]

Fuck.

[quietly] What the fuck, man?

[car engine revs]

[tense music playing]

Andy, Tommy! Andy, Tommy, it's Cal!

-[Tommy] What? Yeah? -I saw a black SUV outside!

Was he eating crab meat?

I don't know, but he's right where the crab was.

-Oh, it's like somebody told you that. -Just get over here!

-[Andy] How do we know it's really you? -Who else would be talking about crab?

-[Andy] Copy. We're on the way. It's you. -Just hurry up!

[Andy] That's pretty rude. Sounds like Cal.

-That's where they keep all the nerds? -You know it. Except we just got one nerd.

-Budget cuts. -There he is. Hell yeah.

-So how long have you worked here? -[Jamie] Uh, like, nine years.

-Oh, wow. -[Jamie] Yeah.

I mostly do sports, though,

'cause everything else bores the shit out of me.

Hell yeah. Me too.

Can't tell you how many times I gotta produce segments

where local businesses send me weirdo employees.

Gotta figure out how to make 'em look cool for seven minutes.

I was trying to look professional. I buttoned this up.

[Jamie] It's a good try.

-I look like a professional darts player. -That is the look you've got going on.

-My cousin, he's weirder than me. -Yeah, I could tell.

So do your kids play sports?

I don't have kids. You?

Oh, no, I don't have kids, but if I did have kids, they would play sports.

-They'd be fucking… They'd be huge. -[Jamie] Yeah.

-[Shane] Yeah. -You're a big guy.

Yeah? Is that nice? Is that a nice one?

-I meant it nice. -Oh, it's good, then.

[both laugh]

[operatic music playing]

Fuck yeah.

So fucking sick.

[baby cries]

[baby cries]

-Do you need something? -Oh, yeah, um…

Is there a way I could hook my phone up out there so it shows up on the screen?

-Yeah, just talk to the nerd in there. -[Shane] Oh, sick.

-Why? -I wanted to surprise my cousin with this.

[Jamie] Oh!

Joe, what did you say to him? Tell me what you said word for word.

Okay, yeah, give him his money back. My goodness.

The payroll company's charging how much for that? When did that start?

Lisa! Lisa, you gotta be kidding me!

I'm stuck here. I can't exactly, you know…

This is sort of important, so… so can you just handle it?

I didn't yell. That's not yelling.

Hi, it's Will from Valley Forge Auto.

We've got word that one of our deliveries is late.

I'm trying to figure out when we'll get it.

I can't be on hold long. Not one of these things where I'm on hold,

then it hangs up, and then I wanna break my phone.

I'd really prefer if you put it on the desk

and I listen to what goes on in the background.

Nope, Phil's gone. I'm in charge. Please just tell me.

What do you mean he left? Is he coming back? He took his tools?

Dave, what do you know about Coastal Tire? Are they coming into our market?

Dave, turn the music down. Dave!

[Jamie] Oh, it's so good. It's so good.

We're gonna get it set up.

-Awesome. -You're gonna be on in, like, 30.

-Okay. Great, yeah. -Cool?

-Well, it was great seeing you again. -Yeah, you too.

Hey, um, we do a happy hour at 1:00 p.m. nearby.

-1:00 p.m.? -[Jamie] Yeah.

-Is that too early for you? -[Shane] No, I love it.

-Lunch is beers. -Lunch is beers.

-[Shane] Yeah. -I love it.

-You love that? -I love that.

Oh my God.

-It's… -[Jamie] You good?

-Yeah. -[Jamie] Okay.

[intriguing music playing]

[sniffs]

Ah, fuck! This is real, man. I fucking told you it was real.

It's the Adderall. All this FBI hoopla's been messing with his REM cycles,

so he's been taking Addies to stay awake and alert.

-Is there always this many birds? -[Andy] It's a lot today.

-[Tommy] So many fucking birds. -Why would you bring him?

He can't miss this. Anyway, about the car. So you open the trunk.

-Yeah. -You see duffel bags.

-Mm-hmm. -Then a sensor goes off.

-Mm-hmm. -You look outside, you see the SUV.

-[Cal] Yeah. -Whose car is this?

-That guy I've been telling you about. -[Tommy] What, your boyfriend? [laughs]

-That's a good one. -No, it's a weird customer.

I went to his house yesterday, and I saw that same black SUV out there.

You didn't think to fucking tell us you saw the same SUV at this guy's house?

No, it slipped my mind. Honestly, I saw a lot of weird shit out there.

Weird like how?

[man] Yeah!

Weird like how?

[ominous music playing]

-Hi, Cal. -Shut up, Frank.

[Andy] Who are these jagoffs?

-Hey, what the fuck happened to your head? -Just got a fresh cut.

Cal, I told you not to look in the trunk, man.

Big surprise, Frank. Nobody listens to you.

Why'd you open it? You see what was inside?

-I didn't see anything. -You sure about that?

Hey, why don't you back off a bit? This is our friend.

Friend? Frank!

You invited a dude with guinea friends to our fucking sacred space?

-I didn't know! -The fuck was that?

-Who you calling guineas? -Oh, this is a problem.

This is why we don't trust you. This is why we send you to get milk.

I'm done getting the milk! I wanna do bigger things.

What the fuck are these guys talking about?

Listen, I didn't see anything in the fucking trunk.

Why don't you take the car and go? I'm done working on your shit.

[Thatch] Nope!

We are not done.

-Oh! -Shit, he's got a piece!

-Take it easy. -[Andy] Hold on! Relax.

-You brought a gun? You out of your mind? -Put that thing down!

-Calm down. -Shut the fuck up, wop!

You can't say that!

-Now! Now, now, now! -Now what? What are you talking about?

-[Frank] Now! -Put it down!

Hands! Drop the weapon!

[all yelling]

-[Andy] Okay! -Get down! Shut the fuck up!

We've got more Good Day West Chester coming your way after these few messages.

-I'm freaking out right now. -[Shane] About what?

-What if we made a huge mistake? -Oh, relax. It's gonna be fine.

I can't relax!

-[Jamie] Hey. -[Shane] Hey.

-About to bring you guys out. Ready? -[Shane] Great, yeah.

-I'm having terrible fight-or-flight. -Fucking fight.

-You can't flight right now. -Okay.

-[Shane] Let's go. -All right.

Can't flight.

[TV theme music playing]

Hello and welcome back.

For our next segment, we have two very special guests.

The owners of Valley Forge Auto, West Chester's local tire shop,

are here today to provide some much-needed advice

due to the increasing

pothole issue that's plaguing our town.

Shane, Will, welcome to Good Day West Chester.

Hey.

[Will] Huh.

All right. Thank you, guys, for being with us today

because we gotta know what's going on with all the potholes.

Gotta be good for business!

[chuckles]

Yeah, there's, uh…

There's a lot of hole in the road and, uh, in… in… in the streets and, uh…

-I don't have a pulse. -What?

-I don't have a pulse. -What the fuck?

And… And… And, uh…

You know, there's hole, uh, everywhere in the shop and, uh…

[woman 2] Yeah. No, I think I see exactly what you're saying.

I think the big question here is, we wanna know as car owners,

how do we better prep our tires for the potholes?

Uh…

Uh, one way to prep is, uh, you could not hit them.

-[laughs] -So sorry, women.

Oh.

[silence]

[Shane] But, uh, if that's not possible,

we recommend swapping out your current tires for TakaTaka tires,

which we carry exclusively.

[woman 1] TakaTaka tires?

Oh, it's a Korean brand. They're strong as hell.

You could hit a pothole going 100 miles an hour,

and those ******* wouldn't pop.

-[man] Oh. -[Shane] Sh**.

Sorry about that.

But the tires are unreal.

So I'm guessing our viewers could go to Valley Forge

to get those installed?

Yeah, we're the exclusive retailers, and honestly, it's a great place to go.

Me and Will just took over recently, and normally, he can talk.

[woman 2 laughs]

Normally he goes around the shop bothering customers, being like,

"Would you like to see me dance? I'm a good dancer."

Then he does dance moves, and people get a kick out of it.

-Yeah. -[Will mumbles]

I'm not actually a good dancer. I watch a lot of tutorials.

But honestly, he's been doing a great job. He's really good at the shop.

Everybody loves him. All the employees love him.

He's really good to the employees. Yeah.

Oh, well…

[gentle acoustic music playing]

Thanks, dude. We do have great employees.

And… And… And Shane's my cousin, and he's just the sweetest guy.

He'd do anything for you.

He's really a handsome guy even though he doesn't--

[woman 2] That's sweet!

-Don't! -What?

-Mind that. -Oh, you guys are really sweet.

Seems like a fun place to work. And I also heard we have some videos.

Yeah, the videos.

This is a surprise for you, Will. Does this connect to--

-I don't like that. -[woman 2] Yep. It's already up there.

[Shane] This is an Instagram page I've been building.

Almost 11,000 followers.

-[woman 2] Oh! -Holy shit!

-[Shane] You can follow-- -Sorry!

[Shane] Yeah, don't swear. Willscandyshop69.

It's a little behind the scenes. This is what he's up to. Look.

-[Will] I mean, we work late hours. -[Shane] Yeah.

-That's a filter, obviously. -It's not a filter. That's his real face.

-And this one is called "cheesing." -Cheesing I hate.

He does not like cheesing. But you ask someone a question,

when they get it wrong, throw cheese at 'em.

-[woman 2] You've been cheesed. -[woman 1] Gonna catch on.

-[Shane] It is gonna. -[Will] It's all over the shop.

[cell phone buzzing]

-[woman 1] We got Lucy the Lib calling. -Let's go ahead and get rid of that.

And this is Dave. He works with us. He is a recovering sex addict, so…

[woman 1] Best of luck. Looks like Lucy wants to talk.

Oh yeah, she's calling a lot there, huh?

-[woman 1] Maybe she's watching. -[woman 2] Hi, Lucy.

And this is our best one. It's got 60,000 likes.

[woman 1] You have the greatest hits collection.

[woman 2] Yeah.

-[Shane] Look at that. -[woman 1] Poor Will.

Okay.

-Do you wanna take a break and answer her? -No. She's…

-[woman 1] Call her? -She'll be all right.

This is a good one. This is just a classic scare.

-Oh! -Yeah!

And then this is just…

-[man] Oh. -[woman 1] Oh.

[woman 2] Oh.

[man] Oh.

[Will] So… the pothole… The, uh…

The… The pothole, uh, they can really--

Sorry, guys. It looks like we're getting some breaking news.

The FBI has just raided Valley Forge Auto in West Chester

in connection with a months-long sting operation

following Thatch Followman and his nephew, Frank Followman.

-That's Cal's best friend. -We take you there now.

The FBI confirmed they've been working with Frank Followman as an informant

on his uncle Thatch Followman's white nationalist enterprise.

They've arrested two Italian brothers, Andy and Tommy Andiamo,

and they believe the connection is from this photo at Valley Forge.

One of the mechanics, Calvin, is being questioned as well,

but Frank Followman claims he is not involved

and is in fact his very best friend.

[Frank] Cal had nothing to do with it! And he's my best friend. You can ask him.

We interviewed the only other employee who was at Valley Forge that day, Kilah.

Oh sh**.

Honestly, there are so many f***in' freaks that walk into this place,

that this isn't really that surprising.

A little while ago, there was a rape van right out front.

Turns out it was one of the guys that works here.

-Crazy f***in' bonko shit. Am I right? -[Ricky] Dad, I…

Am I allowed to say "rape"?

F***!

[Will] Kilah, why would you say one of our employees was in a rape van?

But you didn't provide any context!

Well, stop screaming at me.

I'll be back in 30 minutes.

Just do not talk to the newspaper or anybody else.

Okay, I will.

[sighs] Kilah says congratulations.

Would you pull over here?

Yeah.

[somber music playing]

[woman] These are really pretty.

What's the occasion?

[Shane] Uh…

I got a waitress I barely know pregnant.

These are not gonna be enough flowers!

Congratulations.

Thank you.

-Okay. -I don't know what the fuck to say.

Uh, "sorry"?

For what?

Coming in her?

God damn it, Will.

[Will] You got it.

[knocking on door]

Yeah, that oughta fix it.

Shut the fuck up, Cara.

I'm sorry. Is Lucy here?

Yeah, but she can't come out and play 'cause she's too busy being pregnant.

Okay. Can I talk to her? Can I come inside?

-Again? Sure you wanna make that mistake? -Oh…

This is serious. You gotta fucking grow up.

You are so mean all the time.

[knocking on door]

Come in.

-Oh shit, I'm s… -Oh my God!

-I thought that was gonna be funnier. -[Lucy] Oh my God.

So funny.

-Sorry, that scared me too. -[Lucy] Yeah.

-You brought me flowers. -Yeah.

Is that what you do when you get somebody accidentally pregnant?

I don't know. I never did that before, so…

-Hmm. -[Shane] Yeah.

Honestly, I was thinking about leaving town.

Hmm.

But you didn't.

-No. -[chuckles]

My work's here.

My family's here.

I was thinking you should probably leave town.

[both laugh]

-[Lucy] So stupid. -You're not even from here.

-Okay. Well, okay. -Go.

-What? -Good point.

You don't even know where I'm from.

We never talked about it. Where are you from?

-Chicago. -That's great.

-Yeah, my mom's from there. -Yeah.

My dad is Armenian.

Your dad's Armenian? Is he from Armenia, or does he just wear sandals everywhere?

-No, it's just the sandals, actually. -Yeah?

-He ever hit you with a sandal? -[Lucy] No.

He's gonna now.

-[Lucy] My God! -He's gonna be pissed.

-[laughs] Oh my God! -"What have you done? Huh?"

Dad?

-That sounds like him? -[laughs]

Well…

What do we do?

[gentle music playing]

Just

whatever you want.

Okay.

I'm just gonna need a little bit of time, if that's okay.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

What do I do?

Whatever you want.

All right.

I'll leave.

God, this is fucking nuts, man. [scoffs]

[Shane chuckles] Yeah, I mean,

kind of makes sense.

-Thanks for coming over. -[Shane] Yeah, no problem.

Um, should I get you, like, soup or something?

Why? I'm not sick.

-Well, now I want soup. -[Lucy] Of course you do.

You know what else I want?

[Lucy] No!

-What? -Why? What's the worst that could happen?

-You get fucking double pregnant? -[Lucy] I might get double pregnant.

-[Shane] You're the one who suggested it. -I didn't suggest shit.

-You were looking at me like meat. -[Lucy] You were staring at the bed.

-Your hormones are already acting up. -Yeah, my hormones. I want you so bad.

-Serious? -[Lucy] Get out, please.

-All right. Call me, please. -Yep.

[puffs air]

Fuck.

-I think you'd be a great dad. -Big time.

Let's talk about something else.

Also, she might not even go through with it, so…

For sure.

Look who it is, fucking David Duke.

-Can't believe you're a white supremacist. -[Cal] I just worked on the cars.

Oh, which reminds me. Yo, do you think Frank can get a job here?

Frank? I'm not even gonna answer you.

Frank, like, the guy who just got arrested by the FBI for being a white nationalist?

-Nazi? -[Shane] Let's get him a job.

No. Well, not quite. He was an informant.

It's a whole thing, but don't worry about it.

How'd the news thing go?

Honestly, worse than your hate crime thing went.

Shane got a girl pregnant.

Oh, which one?

Waitress. Lucy.

Oh, that's good. That's good 'cause you had the… the whole thing

going on.

Thanks, man.

Let's everybody get back to work here. I gotta call TakaTaka.

-I'm sure they're freaking out. -About the white supremacist thing?

-Yep, about that. -Don't worry. That's gonna be fine.

-Oh, don't worry about that. Okay. -It'll get cleared up. Trust me.

[Will] I'll trust ya. I won't worry about that.

Well, you heard it from Cal. It's fine.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Yeah.

-Okay. -You don't need to say that shit to me.

-Sometimes you need to hear it. -Sometimes you don't, so just shush.

-You shush. -I am shush. You're the one still talking.

Well…

I love you.

Fucking…

[mellow guitar music playing]

[cell phone buzzes]

[rock music playing]

-[thud] -Oh, Shane!

Oh my God!

Call an ambulance! Oh my God!

-It's a gaping wound! -Fucking asshole.

-It's just ketchup. -I know.

I got you. I finally got you.

"I got you. I finally got you." Fucking clean that up, dumbass.

You clean it up, bitch.

-I'm gonna fucking kill you. -Oh, no. Wait, whoa!

-No, no, no, whoa! -[Shane laughing]

♪ Ah-ooh ♪

♪ Got you where I want you ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Ah-ooh ♪

♪ Got you where I want you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Maybe just a smile ♪

♪ Oh, hey ♪

♪ Did you know that I can dance? Could we talk for a while? ♪

♪ Well, I think you're smart ♪

♪ You sweet thing ♪

♪ Tell me your… ♪