Original subtitles

[Taylor laughing] Hey, hey!

[grunts]

-Whoa! -[Taylor laughs]

-Right in there. -There he is!

-I've gotta breathe, Taylor! -[laughing]

-How you doing? -Good!

Thanks for coming by. What do you think?

Well, I think it looks incredible.

-I mean… -Yeah. Come on, I'll show you around.

I'll introduce you later, but that's, uh… that's Erica.

That's, uh… That's Rick. This is our gym.

-Oh, you got a gym. -[Taylor] Oh yeah. Oh yeah!

Always wanted a gym at work.

Get a fucking pump on while you're working.

[Taylor] Oh, it's the best. It is the best. That's why I did it.

This is Katie. Katie's actually a former Australian rugby player.

Has a few dents in her helmet. Rugby's a tough sport.

But Katie, Katie?

Katie? Hey. This is Will from Valley Forge.

[Australian accent] Oh, hi, Will.

Taylor's told me so much about you.

Can't wait to absolutely fuck shit up with you.

[mimics Australian accent] That's right. That's the mentality there.

[laughs]

[American accent] Isn't it funny how she talks?

-I actually don't feel super comfortable-- -Ah, it's okay. It's okay.

-Hey, let's talk about the future, right? -Sure.

-Come on. -Okay.

[mellow acoustic music playing]

[tires squeal]

[laughing] All right! Holy shit.

-Dave, this sucks. -What?!

[Shane] Yeah, dude, it's like a charging station for losers.

That's what they said about Steve Jobs and that Facebook pussy.

This… This is the future. These people know what's up.

-Yeah? -Yes.

You think this is like Apple?

I think it's exact… Yes, I…

There is a spirit of innovation running through this tent.

You can feel it.

[coughing]

[rock music playing over speakers]

[Dave] It's gonna be awesome.

All right. Whatever.

[man on video] Tradition.

-[mouthing] -[on video] Loyalty.

-[mouthing] -[on video] Family.

-TakaTaka. -[man 2] All right, motherfuckers!

[man 1] TakaTaka Teflo-Max rubber is the strongest in the industry.

The negative reviews online are only from haters and competitors…

[man yelling]

…those who can't compete with our Teflo-Max technology.

[dynamic music playing on video]

But the competition will pay for this.

-[man 3 laughing] -Oh, wow! Okay!

[laughing]

Pretty inspired stuff.

[Ricky] Sorry! Sorry.

Sorry.

Does anybody have any questions?

Yes, the young man in the hat.

The sandwiches from the buffet made me sick.

-[yells] You're lying! -The sandwiches are fine, everybody.

-[Ricky] I… I had one. It was-- -[Pete] Delicious.

Does anybody else have any other questions?

-[Dave] Uh, yeah. -Yes, sir.

Can I… Can I get a whole… Can we get a shipment yesterday?

[laughing] Of course you can!

Tomorrow!

All right, no more questions. [chuckles nervously]

[Taylor grunts]

-[Will] Wow. -Do you need a drink? Anything?

-[Will] No. -No?

-You did it! -Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty cool, right?

-The dream come true. -It is a dream.

So let's talk. What are you looking for? What do you want? What's your timeline?

-Tell me everything. -Well, I can start immediately.

Great!

I guess, just, you know, what can you offer?

-[chuckles] -Is that weird?

No, no, not at all.

But the question is really, what… what are you looking for?

What do you need?

Yeah, I guess, uh,

insurance?

Health insurance?

Yeah, uh, we give our employees health insurance, yes.

Not our clients. [chuckles]

[gasps]

Oh shit.

I thought you were hiring us to do marketing.

No. No, I don't have any money for that.

I… I thought, because you said,

"I still wanna work with you," that that meant--

[Taylor] Ye… [sighs]

[somber music playing]

[Taylor] Yeah.

Oh, Will, I'm sor…

Are… If you're looking for a job, I…

I can't.

-[knock on door] -No. N… No.

Go cut it.

[Will] Oh my God, that's some serious fucking egg on my face.

"Yeah, I'd like a job." "There is no job." "Okay. See you, Taylor. Good seeing you."

And that receptionist, what was with that?

"Hello. Australia. Didgeridoo."

[sobs] Damn it!

Good grief, I didn't even wanna work there!

[sighs]

[horn honks]

Oh, fuck you!

-This is a disaster. -[Ricky] I… I can change it.

[man] You're an embarrassment to the family,

to the company, and to me.

-Can I get-- -No! Stand back!

I wasted a lot of money on you, on this project.

-[Ricky] I wanna fix it. -No! I've had it!

-Christ, what the hell was that all about? -My dad fucking hates me.

Ah, stop. Everybody thinks their dad hates them.

No. He says it.

He points and he says it.

Shit, really?

As a kid, my dad used to poke me in the stomach with a Wiffle ball bat.

-Said he liked to see my tits jiggle. -Shut the fuck up.

You better close this Valley Forge account or you're fired.

-Fired? -Yeah. He hates you too.

-He doesn't even know me. -It's 'cause you're fat.

Listen, my dad's nuts, okay? My job is on the line too, buddy.

-[Pete] All right. -All right?

-Lock in. -Okay.

-Fucking lock in! -Jesus Christ, all right!

-[Ricky] Okay? -Yeah.

Bye.

Who the fuck shit in his hot pot?

Jesus Christ. Where the fuck is Dave?

[rock music playing over speakers]

[Pete] Dave!

And boss's son! Glad you could make it.

-It's Shane. -[Pete] All right.

You guys coming to the happy hour later? Huh? These Koreans pull out all the stops.

Pricey cocktails, mini-weenies on a stick. You name it.

-It's fun. All on us. -Can I bring a date?

-You can bring a hooker, for all I care. -Hey.

Weird kid.

[sighs]

So are you still pissed?

Oh, about the blackmail? No, no, no! I'm over it.

Of course I'm still pissed, you fat dickhead!

-Do you know them? -[Dave] So we go to a strip club…

-[Shane] Yeah, Pete and Dave. -[both arguing]

-Yeah, I know 'em. -Hmm. The Hogs.

-The Hogs? -Mm-hmm.

You call 'em the Hogs?

They are trouble.

Stay away.

Don't be mad 'cause you can't keep your dick in your pants.

I have kept my dick in my pants for eight months, Pete. I'm a changed man.

[laughs]

Dave, guys like us don't change.

We are tigers in the circus.

You can dress us up,

you can have us jump through flaming hoops all you want,

but one day, we're gonna slip that leash,

and we're gonna bite one of those gay guys on the throat.

That's how it is.

And right now, I got my teeth around your neck.

So get your buddy to sign on the dotted line,

or I'm gonna bite down so hard

that you're gonna be jacking off in a Best Western by Sunday.

Get the fuck off me, Pete.

Try the pancakes. They're terrible.

Now, this car is outfitted with True Thread tires, which suck dick.

Not to mention, they're a bunch of rat motherfuckers.

So take it for a spin around the course, come back, and I will show you

what the TakaTaka experience is all about, huh?

-Okay. -Let's do it.

[Pete] Got this one in the bag, boys.

Got it in the bag. Huh?

[Pete chuckles]

[Shane] I gotta be honest, that commercial sucked dick.

Look, the commercial was… it was artistic…

[Shane] And you stood up and clapped like a fucking idiot.

[tires squealing]

[Dave] Oh! [laughs] Wow!

-Hydroplane. -Yeah, it slipped a little.

Yes!

See? What'd I tell you?

-They suck. They suck. -[Pete] They suck.

Holy fuck, dude. These are unstable tires.

Dude, they're normal tires. Why are you fucking shitting on them?

-[Dave] You didn't feel that slippage? -[Shane] What are you talking about?

[tires squeal]

-[Dave] Oh fuck! Are you kidding me? -[Shane] What?

-[Dave] If there was a kid, we killed him. -We skidded a little, but it's normal.

-[Dave exhales] Jesus Christ. -[Shane] What?

I think we can safely say that was a, what? C-minus at best?

This whole place is a fucking C-minus.

You know what's not a C-minus? A little cocktail party after.

-Yeah, yeah. -[Shane] Oh, I'm gonna call Jill.

Who's Jill?

Jill is the love of my life, and she's so pretty,

and your bitch-ass is gonna be jealous when you see her.

-I'm not jealous. -[Shane] I know you are.

I'm working things out with my beautiful wife.

[phone buzzing]

[sighs] Ah!

-Hey. -[Shane] Hey. Did you get my text?

It's last second, but you get a babysitter we could--

Yeah, I can't, uh, make that.

That's all right. Uh, maybe some other time.

I don't think I can do this.

Like, you can't do this phone call right now?

No, Shane. I… Uh, I'm saying

I don't think that this is going to work out.

What? Why?

Well… Well, like, a bunch of reasons. Uh…

Okay, one of which is you are sleeping with my babysitter's roommate.

What?

-Who told you that? -Cara told me that.

Did she… Did Cara tell you about the huge orgasm I gave her?

No, Shane, why would she mention that to me?

I don't know.

Maybe it would make you more interested in, like,

my capabilities as a lover.

It's not about that. It's like…

It's fine that you're seeing other people. That's good.

I'm… I'm seeing other people. I'm having orgasms.

What?

I'm not… I'm not putting all my eggs in this one basket.

-I am! -Don't, Shane!

I'm… You're… Oh my, you're… you're…

You are a mess, okay? You're a mess.

And I'm sorry that that's a mean thing to say,

but, like… you get it. Right?

You're such a fun time. You're… You're such a good time.

And you can do that, and I… I can't. I cannot afford to be a mess, you know?

I have two kids, okay?

If I'm a mess, then suddenly, they're messes, and I can't have that.

Right?

Shane?

Oh my God. You're gonna kill yourself. Shane, please don't kill yourself.

No, I'm not gonna fucking kill myself. You should kill yourself.

-What? -Nothing.

I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I do love you, I think.

Okay. Hmm…

[laughs]

-[call end tone] -Fuck!

I'm… I'm sorry, dude.

What the fuck was that?

[thumping rock music playing]

[sighs deeply]

-Fuck. -Fuck.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Hey.

What's up?

Nothing. Just thought I'd come by, see if I could help.

No, we're good.

Well, that's what riding on absolute dog shit feels like.

-Hey, Will. -Oh, hey, Pete. Fuck you.

Okay. What'd you guys think? Those tires sucked. Am I right?

Just kinda everything sucks.

Okay. Well, why don't you guys come with me,

and I'll show you what TakaTaka's all about. Let's go.

Safety, comfort, reliability.

[Shane] What?

-Yo! -[Will] Dave, what if I--

-No, I got it. -[Will] Well, I'll--

[Dave] No, this is…

-[Pete] Hop in there, big boy. -[Shane] Thank you.

[Pete] Goddammit!

-So you're just not gonna talk to me? -I'm fucking busy.

-Then I'm gonna go. -No, I'm fucking gonna go.

Nobody's fucking going! Let's do the track.

-What's going on with you? -Nothing.

You've been trying to get us to buy these tires all day.

You were shitting on the other ones. Now you are trying to force us to do this.

-Why are you doing this? -Pete's fucking blackmailing me, okay?

-Shut the fuck up! -Fuck you, all right?

He took me to a club.

He took a picture of me sucking a stripper's tits.

-He'll show Barb if we don't close this. -So that's why we're here.

You tricked me into coming 'cause you were caught being horny again?

Un-friggin'-real.

It is, dude. This company fucking sucks. These tires suck.

-You don't even fucking know that! -Yeah, you're right. Let's find out.

[tires squeal]

-[all] Whoa! -Whoa! What the fuck?

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Shane! Shane! -It's 20 miles an hour, dumbass!

-What are you doing? Jesus! -[Shane] Testing the fucking tires.

[tires screech]

[Pete] Jesus!

Goddamn it!

-I just swallowed my fucking nuts! -Shane!

-[Dave] Jesus! -[Will] Whoa!

Shane, what's going on? What's gotten into you?

-Slow down, man! -[Will] Slow down!

Yeah, fucking Jill broke up with me, dude.

Your little book was right. She was hot and cold.

-I'm sorry, man. -Oh, water hazard!

-[Will and Pete yelling] -Holy fuck!

-Fuck, fuck, fuck! -[yelling]

-[Shane] This thing's hydroplaning. -No shit.

You're doing 85 in an Acme parking lot, you moron.

-Shane! -How about this?

-[all yelling] -What the fuck?

[Will] Shane! What the… What the…

Shane! Stop!

-Come on! -Let's take this on the road.

-No! No! -No!

-Do not take this car on the road! -Stay in the course!

-[Shane] See how it goes on a road. -[Pete] I'll throw up!

Where the fuck are you going?

[Dave] Go back, you motherfucker. Stop! What the fuck is wrong with you, dude?

-[Will] Shane! -[Dave] Fucking stop. What the fuck?

-This asshole is going slow. -[Dave] No.

-No, do not pass this car! -[Dave] Stop!

No! Shane, listen. I didn't take that other job.

And the reason I didn't take it is because there wasn't even another job.

There was no offer. I'm an idiot.

We're both fucking idiots, and we're both gonna die alone,

and our business is fucked.

No, we're not gonna die alone.

-I love you. And you're handsome and tall. -Shane, pothole.

[Will] And I hear hair implants are great nowadays. Just please!

-[Dave] Pothole! -You trying to make me cry?

-Shane, pothole! -Oh shit!

[all yelling]

[brakes screeching]

[all groan]

[Dave] Fuck!

[Pete] Jesus Christ!

Sorry about that, fellas.

[sighs]

[Shane] What the fuck?

-[dramatic music] -There's no sidewall damage.

What?

There's no sidewall damage. I was going 50. These should be flat.

[triumphant music building]

Holy shit, are these actually good tires?

I told ya.

[music ends]

So, uh…

Good tires?

Yeah. Yeah, they were really… We were surprised.

-Surprised? -Yeah, I mean, your marketing is terrible.

Well, marketing is very difficult, so…

It is. Thank you, Will.

-It's not. -No, it's not.

But your tires are great,

and, uh, I think we're gonna take you up on that deal.

What deal?

Yeah, your son told Dave we could get TakaTaka at cost.

-[Dave] Below cost, actually. -[Ricky] No, no!

What? I would never make a deal like that.

-[speaking Cantonese] -[Ricky in English] Why would I do that?

[Dave] You told me at the strip club.

That's when we were at the strip club together, remember?

I believe in those tires too much to give them at discount.

And whoever I do business with

should believe in them just as much as I do.

-Yeah! -Shut up!

Hey, we respect that.

If you don't believe in your product, who will? What's the point, you know?

It's like when a girl's only charging three bucks for OnlyFans.

Am I buying pussy or gum?

If you wanna get your name out there, you gotta advertise, right?

You gotta be everywhere. So how about this?

You pay our lease.

[laughing]

No, no, no, no, no! I'm serious. I'm serious. I'm serious.

You pay the lease at all of our stores, and we'll carry TakaTaka exclusively.

[Shane] I mean, think about it.

If you guys wanna break into America, we're kind of perfect for that.

-We're about as American as it gets. -Homer Simpson.

We don't need a discount on tires. We need something big, and so do you guys.

Businessman.

[Shane] Before we settle anything, I do have one term.

Pete, let me see your phone.

Give me the fucking phone, Pete.

-What's the code? -6186.

-Got that picture of Dave sucking tit? -It's under "All I Want for Christmas."

"All I Want for Christmas"? God, I hate you.

I'm deleting them.

Saved one for myself.

A little insurance.

So, what do you think?

One year.

-Do it for one year. -One year?

Deal. Absolutely.

-Yes! -All right!

-[Shane] Thank you. -Thank you.

-[Ricky laughing] Hey, man! -[Dave] All right!

[Ricky continues laughing]

What's up?

-[Ricky] Whoo-hoo-hoo! -Thank you.

Get the fuck out of here, Pete, you fucking scumbag.

That lease shit was great.

-Thanks, man. -Good thinking, man.

Now we just gotta sell Phil.

Fuck.

[car door closes, engine starts]

[Ricky] Dad, Dad, Dad, wait!

-Whoa, Dad! Dad, wait! -[tires screech]

Hey, guys!

Can I get a ride?

Yeah.

-No! -I guess.

-[Shane] Why not? -What? I can't hear you. [laughs]

[Will] Oh, no, no, no, we're just going straight home.

[upbeat rock music playing]

♪ I'm trying to pick you up ♪

♪ I only let you down ♪

♪ I call your mother and your sister From a pay phone ♪

♪ Said you're back in town ♪

♪ You know they slung me a rope ♪

♪ The only one I knew ♪

♪ It all glitters Till it crashes now, baby ♪

♪ It's just the best thing to do ♪

[song continues]

[song ends]