Original subtitles

[owl hooting]

We have to go in.

You fucking nuts, dude? It's terrifying in there.

What if you go in first,

and then if you run into a beast of some kind,

you scream, "Murder beast!" Then I'll know not to go in.

No, dude, I'm not going in alone. I need you.

Fucking scary as shit in there.

[owl hooting]

[whispers] Will!

Will!

Fuck! All right.

[ominous music playing]

Will!

Fuck.

[woman] Shane!

Hello?

[bird screeching]

[woman, singsongy] Shane!

[Shane] Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Hello?

-[ethereal music playing] -[baby cooing]

-[Shane] You all right, lady? -[woman] Do you wanna meet him?

-[baby crying] -Meet who?

[woman] Your son.

He has a full scholarship already.

Fuck yeah.

So fucking sick.

[woman 2] No!

[ominous music playing]

No!

Where'd she fucking go?

[branches crack]

-[screeching] -[Shane] Oh fuck!

-[yelling] -[Lucy] Oh my God!

Shit!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Dude!

-Oh my God. -Fuck, are you okay?

-I was just having a nightmare. -Yeah, you were talking a lot.

Yeah?

[laughing] Who is Will?

-It's my cousin. -And he's gay?

-Sometimes. Yeah. -[giggles]

[plucked acoustic music playing]

What's that?

Oh, that's a sign I made for a protest last week.

All right, I'm gonna… I'm gonna head out.

[Lucy] Okay.

Do you wanna, like, hang out later?

-Really? -[laughing] Yeah.

Listen, I was having, like, a fucked-up day yesterday,

and you actually fucked that out of me, which is awesome, and I appreciate that.

-Yeah. -But, you know, we're pretty different.

How?

You're young and liberal, and I'm, like, old and I own a gun.

Okay. How old are you?

How old are you?

-I'm 28. -Sick. I'm gonna brag about that.

-Cute. I'm gonna text you. -Okay.

You text me, you're gonna fall in love, and then I'm gonna break your heart.

-Oh no, my heart? -I don't want bullshit when that happens.

-Jesus. Deal. -All right, yeah.

[Lucy] Yeah. Stupid. Break my heart?

[groans]

-[woman] Holy shit. -Hey.

-I knew you were gonna be fucking huge. -Cara!

[Cara] The entire house was shaking.

[imitating creaking]

[Lucy] Okay, sorry. Shane, Cara. Cara, Shane.

-[Cara] How was it? -We'll debrief over coffee in ten minutes.

Wait, we're out of coffee.

Uh, hey, Big Bear.

-I'm Shane. -[deep voice] "I'm Shane."

[Cara] Would you mind grabbing us some coffee?

Okay, I'm not gonna get… I'm gonna leave.

-Oh. -[Shane] Uh, it was nice to meet you.

-If it's cool with you. -All right.

-Next time, or I don't know. -Okay.

[laughing] Bye, Shane.

-[Shane] See ya. -[Cara] Bye, Shane!

-"I'm Shane." -[laughs]

-I like it. -[Lucy] I know.

[mellow acoustic music playing]

[upbeat percussive music playing]

[Phil chuckles]

[cell phone buzzing]

Hey, Phil.

Where is Shane?

Uh…

I don't know. Have you tried calling him?

-What do you think? -I can tell by your tone that you have.

When I see him, I'll tell him to call you back.

-[silence] -[pensive percussive music playing]

-Is everything okay? -No, Will, everything is not okay.

Have you guys closed one fleet account this month?

Oh, uh…

Yeah, that's what I thought. So listen, I have been working on this.

I went to City Wide Bagels today,

and they have an entire fucking fleet of bagel delivery cars,

and they are interested.

Okay, that's great. I love bagels.

Cool, Will. Who gives a shit?

Listen, Shane will go

to City Wide Bagels today,

and he will close that fucking account today.

Your only job is to make sure he does it.

-Can you handle that? -Yes, I can handle that.

[Phil] Can you handle that?

-I can handle that. -[Phil] Good.

[call end tone]

-[Cal] Nice, man. Gonna see her again? -[Shane] I don't know.

She's got political posters in her room.

Actually, you and her… You share the politics of a 20-year-old woman.

So you're not gonna fuck her 'cause you don't like her politics?

No, I'm a guy. She could be literally a Nazi,

and I'd be like, "That's fucking nuts."

-You'd fuck a Nazi? -I'm not saying… You know what I mean.

-[Cal] Oh, hey, Will. -Hey, I had sex last night.

You did?

-Yeah. -Well, congratulations!

-Yeah. -All right!

-Thanks. -There's a win.

'Cause you've been just a little bit… Recently, the… the…

-'Cause you've been down, you know-- -All right, stop.

Well, how was it?

You know, it was sex. It was pretty fucking cool.

All right. And… and… and did she…?

-What? -You know.

Did… did… did she orgasm?

Oh. No, fuck no.

Wait a second. Did… did… did you go down on her?

Yeah, a little. Not… Yeah.

That's your problem right there. It's like bare minimum is 15 minutes.

-Planning for potentially 45. -45 minutes? Who told you that?

-I read it. -You have a book about how to eat pussy?

Yeah! What's wrong with… What's wrong with that?

Bro, every day you say shit that makes me… You're giving me a headache.

Talking about pussy like that.

Dressed like a guy who sells duct tape on television.

Is this an audiobook?

-Uh, it is, but I have the hardcover! -Jesus Christ, dude.

Forget all that! Here's what we need to focus on.

Phil called earlier, and… and… and he is pissed.

He's, like, at his wit's end, wanting you to close one fleet account.

I've closed fleet accounts.

I know, but he wants you to do more. He went to City Wide Bagel.

He got them all good to go, ready to close,

and just wants you to go finish the deal.

-All right. -All right?

-[Shane] I'll go. -He's serious about this.

-He's so serious. -[Shane] All right.

-Okay, so am I. -[Will] All right, thank you.

He's done, like, the 15 minutes, you know, and wants you to give it a final lick.

-Oh my God, dude. -Shane, come on!

[phone ringing]

Valley Forge Auto, this is Dave.

Davey boy. Konnichiwa.

[Dave sighs] What do you want?

-What's going on with the deal? -Um…

Fuck!

We haven't really discussed it yet, actually.

What do you say we grab a dinner and talk about it?

I'm not doing that. I know where your dinners lead,

and I don't live that lifestyle anymore.

And, furthermore, Barb tracks my spending.

When we land up at a strip club, she's going to see that.

What? Strip club? No one's taking you to a strip club.

-An old-school business dinner. -No, we're not doing that.

Really? You don't wanna go to dinner with the higher-ups at TakaTaka,

make a real sweet deal,

make a bunch of cash, and look good in front of your boss?

-Hmm? -I… I can do a dinner, fine.

Maybe it should be a lunch. Something in the daytime.

You kidding me? These guys don't eat lunch until 8:30.

-You gotta do something late. 9:30, 10:00. -9:00 is too late!

Man, when did you become such a goddamn indoor cat?

I'm in sex addiction recovery. By the way, you should look into it.

Dave, stop yelling!

[Pete] Speaking of strip clubs,

what was the name of that joint we used to go to with the Latin chicks?

The big tits and the unbelievable sandwiches.

-Desperados. -You remember Desperados?

I've never seen a butt plug that big.

That place was un-fucking-believable.

Yes, it was. Yes, it was, Pete.

Uh… [chuckles]

Man.

Yeah, it was good.

What do you say we go out to dinner?

I'm talking about you, me,

about nine Koreans, and a handful of strippers.

Sound good?

No!

What did I tell you, man? You don't even respect me.

We are no longer friends. I have not forgot how you betrayed me,

and I do not appreciate you trying to completely make me lose my momentum

in terms of my sexual re… re… re… re… Um…

Listen to me. This deal ain't gonna be around forever,

so you go back in that office

and tell fucking country club Captain Morgan

that Pete Seidel doesn't wait for anybody. Capisce?

And a sayonara.

[exhales]

This is gonna get fun. This is gonna get fun.

[sighs] I'm fucking starving.

Botan.

Botan! What do you say we shag ass, grab some wings?

Is that what I've been smelling? What is that?

-Bulgogi. -"Bu" what?

[Botan] Bulgogi.

[scoffs] More like bu-golden retriever.

[laughs] I'm fucking with you.

You know, you saying we eat dog is like we say you fuck cousin.

We do fuck our cousins.

Only in weird part of country.

That's not true. I've had sex with multiple cousins.

-Oh. -[Pete] A victimless crime.

Why don't you throw that dog food out?

Meet me in the parking lot in five minutes.

Boys, Botan and I will be back in about three and a half hours.

Don't wait up.

[Botan] Cousin fucker.

Fuck!

[sighs]

Fuck. Fuck!

-Fuck! -[kicks wall]

[Phil] Dave, shut your door!

I was just very passionate, boss. Sorry.

[Phil sighs]

[phone ringing]

-Valley Forge Auto, this is Will. -[Phil] Hello, Will.

Hey, Phil. Calling me on the, uh… the… landline here?

That's right. I snuck up on you. It's a battle tactic.

[scoffs] You wouldn't understand it.

Have you talked to Shane about closing that account?

I… I… I… I have, but Phil, listen, I wanted to flag something for you,

which is that I think what's going on here is

I'm being put in the middle of a family situation

that's being passed off as a business situation.

-If this was business, I could handle it. -Like the way you did with Mike Weir?

-Well, that's low-hanging fruit. -Guess what?

Low-hanging fruit shop is still losing money, and it's been a month!

But Phil!

[dial tone]

[sighs] I mean, the hanging up is freaking nuts!

Hey, she bust?

No. Why does everyone keep asking me if the girl orgasmed?

It's not even up to me. I think they decide.

Also, it's kind of lame being good at sex, you know?

For a guy.

Shane, we gotta go to City Wide Bagel now.

Hold on there. The small hats can wait. We got a problem here.

Listen. You don't make enough money to be bad at sex.

-This is what you're talking about? -It's why chicks love working-class guys.

Yes.

[Tommy] Laying it down is all we got! Go to a strip club. Who's in there?

Police officers, firemen, crossing guards.

Watch a porno. Who's in that? Pool boys, plumbers.

-Yeah. -Guess who's not a working-class guy?

A doctor.

Pornos tried to do it with the doctors. What happened?

-Didn't work. -[Andy] Nobody believed it.

Nobody thinks a doctor's built like Johnny Sins. Throbbed up.

Okay? My doctor's name is Nimesh Shandrandry.

Fuck, that's a funny name.

Got a cock like a marker cap. He's not exactly laying it down.

It's why he spent his life thinking.

-They gotta think their way into pussy. -Will thinks his way into pussy.

He's reading a book about how to eat pussy now.

Are you reading a book on how to eat pussy?

That's the end of this! Shane, we gotta go close a fleet account now.

-Okay. -Oh, okay.

[Kilah] Shane, Jill is here to see you.

[romantic music playing]

-[Andy] Oh my God! -[Tommy] There she is.

-[Andy] Is that the girl from last night? -No. No.

-[Andy] We gotta-- -[Shane] No, no, Wops.

Wops, please. Please stay here. No Wops out front.

-Shane. Shane. -[Shane] Okay.

-[Shane] Holy shit, hey! -[Jill] Hi! Hey!

-How's it going? -[Jill] Wow.

-It's, uh, good to see you. -[Shane] Good to see you.

-It's been a long time. -It's been forever. How's everything?

Uh, it's good. Yeah.

That's great.

[both chuckle awkwardly]

I… I'm a… a nurse.

-Nice. -Two kids, and I'm divorced, uh…

-Sorry to hear that. -It's fine.

I'm lying. I'm not. That's… I'm happy about that.

[both laugh]

-Cool. -Yeah.

I… I… I got your messages.

-Ah. -[Jill] So I…

[Shane] Yeah, sorry about that. Just got excited.

I sent too many, and then… I didn't mean to come off like a psycho.

No, it's not psycho. Don't be sorry.

I just, uh… I… I actually went to message you back,

and, uh, your profile was gone,

so I was like, "Did he block me?"

No, no, no. After I DM'd you a lot, I felt embarrassed, so I tried to…

I deleted my entire account.

I was hoping it would get rid of the messages I sent, but it didn't.

-Okay. -Yeah.

-I'm sorry. I should've responded sooner. -No, it's…

Yeah, you're not psychotic. I'm psychotic. I just showed up here.

-No, this is… I'm happy you did. -Yeah.

Good. Great.

Yeah.

Uh, who are these guys?

-[Shane] Oh, that's the Wops. -[Jill] Kind of recognize that one.

You might have seen him on the news. He gets arrested a lot.

-[Jill] Hmm. All right. -Do you wanna get a beer?

-Yes. -[Shane] Yeah?

-Yeah. -Right now?

-[laughs] No, no! That'd be crazy. -[Shane] Oh.

-Uh, but I can on Saturday. -[Shane] Saturday would be awesome.

-I'm free. -[Jill] Okay, eight o'clock?

-[Shane] Eight's great. -[Jill] Okay.

-[Shane] Yeah. -Great.

[Shane] I'll call or text you. I'm sure I'll text you before.

-A lot. -[Jill] Okay!

-Too much. -Okay, bye.

[Shane] Saturday.

[optimistic music playing]

Oh, let's fucking go!

Kilah, getting fired up! Fired up out here.

-[Kilah] That was crazy. -Yo!

-[Shane] You see that shit? -I did.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Take a breath! Take a breath! Take a breath!

[Shane] All right.

Oh my goodness, Shane!

[Shane] Sorry, I'm excited, bro.

[door opens]

Knock, knock.

-Hey! Hey, Bonnie! -Hey.

I was so worried about you. I've been trying to get… get… get you.

Hey, what are you doing? What's going on?

Um, I was hoping we could talk.

Oh, okay. Um…

Look… really underwater right now.

How about… Can we do supper?

-I have plans tonight. -You do? Great.

Good. That sounds fun.

Yeah, just some friends going to Nitro Taco.

Uh, well, maybe tomorrow night?

Honestly, Phil, I think we should just cool it off for a bit.

-Cool off? -[Bonnie] Yes.

[clears throat] Cool off.

What is that? I don't…

Wait. Is this about Shane?

I apologize for how he behaved yesterday. I just… I can guarantee you he likes you.

He really doesn't, but that's okay. This isn't just about Shane.

[solemn music playing]

Oh.

Phil, you work all the time.

I wanna travel.

I wanna go out to eat places. You just never have time to do things.

You make these plans, then you can't do it because of work, work, work.

Bonnie, if I could get somebody else to do it, I would, but I cannot.

[Bonnie] Shane and Will, let them take over.

-I cannot trust them to run six stores. -[Bonnie] Yes, you can.

You don't give them a chance.

I wish I could ride off into the sunset or to the Poconos with you,

but I can't do any of that until it calms down, Bonnie.

-[sighs] -Until it calms down.

When are things gonna calm down? When?

[Phil] I don't know.

-No, I want to know when. When? -I don't…

-I don't know! -When?!

I don't know when! You're the fucking clairvoyant.

-Okay, I didn't mean that. -You just made this really, really easy.

You know what? I have to go, but I'm taking my crystal with me.

Also, I'd like the letter I wrote you last week back

because I am going to burn it and release the energy to the wind.

Oh.

That seems… very significant.

It is.

Bye, Phil.

Bonnie.

[sighs]

[whispers] You're struggling.

Fuck, that was hot.

[tapping on phone]

Fuck!

-[Will] How about that? -[Shane] Awesome!

-[Will] Jill?! -Yeah, Jill.

-Two for two. You had sex with that girl. -Oh, no, no. I've forgotten about her.

-We're focused on her. -Listen, couldn't be more happy for you.

Very exciting. We need to go close that fleet account now.

For sure, but

could you tell me about that book?

[curious percussive music playing]

-Wh… You serious? -I'm serious.

You can't fucking tell anyone ever I asked you about this.

Just give me the basics.

Uh, I think we've probably got five minutes.

-Yeah. -[Will] We can cover it quick.

-Hey, Cal, get rid of the Wops! -[Shane] Good call.

Will, I never thought I'd say this. Can you please teach me how to eat pussy?

[music stops]

What, um… What is she doing?

[Phil] She's releasing our energy, Dave.

[Dave] Hmm. Uh, it feels to me that you probably dodged a bullet.

At the same time, though, I can tell this is hard for you,

and, um, I'm sorry about that, boss.

Fuck.

-[cell phone buzzing] -[Will] Okay, the frenulum.

This is the place where the labia connects just under the clitoris.

-That spot is basically like-- -Why the fuck did you give it a crew cut?

It looks like a drill sergeant yelling at us.

[yelling] "You better find that frenulum, private!"

If it's one of the girls you've been with, make sure you draw ass hair too.

Why… Why don't they know to shave that?

I don't know. It's like a mullet, dude. It's clean-shaven up front, then like a

ponytail hanging out their butt.

You're getting distracted by the hair. We don't have much time,

so just focus on the parts.

-[Shane] Okay. -[Will] Good.

-[phone line ringing] -[tense percussive music playing]

Your call has been forwarded to a…

Where is everyone?

I don't know. Oh, by the way, Pete from TakaTaka called me.

He keeps pressuring about this deal. Says he wants to take us to dinner.

I told him Will doesn't really like the idea, so…

No, we're gonna think about it because Will's not always right.

No, he is not.

[military drumming]

[crowd shouting in distance]

[Will] If this was a business situation, I could handle it.

Dave.

I've got a little mission for you.

[softly] Yes, yes.

Whatever you need. Whatever you need, Phil. Of course.

So that area is basically like the underside of the head of the penis.

Girls don't have penises.

But it's like the same anatomy. So if you think about a penis…

You imagine it as a penis?

[Will] It's not that, but there's a lot of the same nerve endings.

Never thought I'd say this. Black people and Italians are dead right on this.

-This is gay. -[Will] No, no, no.

The frenulum would be like this area.

And you can imagine that, if somebody was sort of like,

you know, massaging that, that'd feel quite nice.

-It would. -That's what you can do.

You can kind of take your finger and work along the outside labia,

and then just sort of massage it.

-[Shane] Just lightly massage it? -[Will] Yeah.

-Wops are gone. -Nice.

-What are you talking about? -Yeah, what are we talking about?

-What are you making me look at? -Okay, Shane.

-Eww, Will! -Kilah, absolutely not! This is guy talk.

Kilah, do you have a "fren-ju-lum"?

-Mm, I can check the back. -Frenulum.

-Girls don't even know. -How many did you need?

-[Shane] How many frenulums do you need? -You know what? I'll just erase it.

All right. Then, Kilah, please, back to your seat.

What the fuck is going on in here? Huh?

Nothing! We're just going over some stuff.

What are you going over? That's a vagina and a penis.

What are they d… Fuck it! I don't even wanna know.

And you. You don't answer your phone when I'm trying to get ahold of you.

You're on that goddamn thing all day long until I need to talk to you.

What are you so fired up about?

-Why am I so fired up? -[Shane] Yeah.

Have you closed one fleet account today, Shane?

Did you even ask him?

Uh, I… I… I asked him.

And he didn't wanna do it. What a fucking surprise.

Here's a 411 for you idiots.

This business is failing.

Valley Forge is failing.

It's going through the fucking floor.

And what have the two of you done? Not a goddamn thing.

Everything I ask you to do, you don't do it, or you bitch about it,

or you tell me you're gonna do it "a different way."

I told you to fire Mike Weir a month ago. You know what's going on over there?

He's done nothing but just dump money down the toilet.

Mike needs better marketing so he can drive car count.

Guess what? Mike Weir doesn't need anything

but a bunch of boxes because he's packing up his office.

I sent Dave over there to handle it.

-What? -[Phil] Yeah.

Dave is doing what I asked you to do a month ago.

He's firing Mike Weir, and he had no problem doing it.

And you, all I asked you to do was get along with Bonnie.

Just be nice to Bonnie. But you couldn't do it, could you?

And now she wants to cool off,

and she's gonna go have tacos with friends at a great authentic Mexican restaurant

that I wanted to go to.

I'm sure once the full moon vanishes or whatever, she'll be all right.

[Phil] Yeah, that was fucking hilarious a month ago, dude. It's worn out now.

You're just jealous because I had a girlfriend.

I'm jealous that you had a fucking girlfriend?

For your information, I had sex last night.

-She was pretty hot. -She's very attractive.

Also, a girl just came in here, and I'm going on a date with her Saturday.

That's why Will's drawing the fucking pussy diagram.

Do you think two sluts even compares to a loving relationship?

Fuck you, dude! You're banging some fucking hippie.

Like, that's not impressive either, man.

-Fuck me? -Yeah!

-Fuck me? -Yes!

Okay. Things are gonna change around here.

Things are definitely gonna change

because I am done trying with the two of you.

-What does that mean? -[Phil] What do you think?

You wanna be a mechanic? Go be a mechanic.

You wanna order khakis online? Be my fucking guest.

But you are no longer partners in this business.

Got it?

Well, what the fuck does that mean?

It means I am releasing your energy. Okay?

[cell phone buzzing]

Just keep going with this.

Okay, so, um,

there's nerve endings all around.

Fuck.

♪ Fuck the whole world ♪

♪ Without you, I'd rather die ♪

♪ I need you here ♪

♪ You're the best part of my life ♪

♪ Fuck that, this time ♪

♪ I need you right by my side ♪

♪ Without you here ♪

♪ I would not still be alive ♪

♪ I'll wait forever There's no one better ♪

♪ This is true love ♪

♪ There's nothing like it It's hard to find it ♪

♪ Please don't give up ♪

♪ Tell me what you need me to do ♪

♪ I'll try my best ♪

♪ I'll give up never We fit together perfect ♪

♪ Whoa! ♪

♪ Fuck the whole world ♪

♪ Without you, I'd rather die ♪

♪ I need you here ♪

♪ You're the best part of my life ♪

♪ Fuck that, this time ♪

♪ I need you right by my side ♪

[song ends]