Original subtitles

I don't like it.

Well, tough.

It's making me mad how fucking lame you dress.

-Why can't you dress like a normal person? -This is normal to me.

Plus, it's an important networking event. I gotta look nice.

-Hey, Kilah, let's go! -[Kilah] Give me a minute.

Yeah, Kilah. Will can't be late for his girl party.

-It's not a girl party, Shane. -It's not a girl party? What's it called?

-"Women in business." -Sounds like a fucking girl party to me.

Okay.

[Kilah] Okay, I'm ready.

-What, sweats? -[Shane] That's a good outfit.

See, that's how a normal person dresses. She clearly picked that up off the ground.

None of it matches. She looks like shit, and that's good.

-Wear a tracksuit, you'd get some pussy. -Not what this is about!

-It's not what it's about! -Okay.

-No! -Let's say you network tonight.

You network so well that some lady dressed like Hillary Clinton says,

"I'll take you out back. I'll tug you in the parking lot."

Yes or no, do you take it?

-Are you guys going? -[Shane] No, we gotta do inventory.

-Might stop by later. Any booze? -No, I don't think there's gonna be.

-My God! -[Kilah sighs]

You're just gonna be sober and fucking chat business with women?

-Not having this discussion. -Me and Cal are coming.

[Will] Absolutely not.

Yeah, yep. We're coming, unless you admit you'll take a hand job.

Shane, you're not going!

-Just admit it. -Fine, you wanna hear me say it?

-That's all I want. -[Will] I'll say it!

I am primarily going to this event to network with women in business…

Sure.

[Will] …involved in the community.

However, if an attractive woman in a pantsuit, let's say--

-She doesn't have to be attractive. -She does!

-[Shane] No, she doesn't. -She does! Yes, she does!

And… and she's wearing, like, a satin blouse or whatever,

and she wants to engage in some sort of sexual, uh, you know, dalliance with me,

am I gonna say no? Of course not.

Of course not!

But it… but it's not about that tonight.

-Kilah, let's go. -All right. We'll see you later.

No, you won't.

Hope you get some pussy. I hope your little ploy works.

-[Kilah] Are you going to get jerked off? -[Will] Don't say "jerked off."

[mellow acoustic music playing]

Hey, how you doing? It's the blue Ford. Thanks.

Okay, so just as a refresher, they think you're one of the owners.

Who does?

[Will] The girl bosses.

I had to tell them that one of the owners was female.

Will! And you're telling me this now, when the place is ten inches from us.

It's fine. Just go in there and make a little small talk.

Small talk?

[Will] But if anyone talks about business,

say, "Talk to my associate, Will. He handles everything."

"Talk to my associate, Will. He handles everything."

Try it just a little bit more dismissive,

like if I were to ask you to do something at work.

You know how you're a lot like this…

-Oh, okay. -[Will] Yeah.

Okay. So like, "Talk to my associate, Will. He handles everything."

-That's nice. -"Talk to my associate, Will."

-"He handles everything." -All right!

"You see that little bitch over there? That's my associate, Will."

-"He handles everything." -Okay, well, none of that.

"That skinny, weird looking guy, that's my associate."

I dunno. I was just going for it.

Don't go… You're… you're making me feel ugly before--

Okay, "Talk to my associate, Will. He handles everything."

-Perfect. -[Kilah] All right.

All right, let's go have a good time. We got…

You know, looks like there's beverages.

[electronic pop music playing over speakers]

Hello! Welcome to the WCWBA. I'm Kathy.

I'm Kilah. This is my assistant, Will.

Kilah!

Ricky, get their coats.

Oh, thank you so much. Wow, this place is just beautiful.

Do you think this dress is weird?

-What? -It's not giving steakhouse tablecloth?

I love steak.

No. Yeah, yeah. It's very flowy. It's elegant.

If I went into a steakhouse and that was the tablecloth, I'd say,

"Uh-oh, this is gonna be expensive."

I'm done chatting, but help yourselves.

There's complimentary cosmos, wine, mocktails.

-Okay, thank you. -Thank you.

-Yeah. -I'm gonna go do that, grab some wine.

All right. Just, Kilah, remember it's a school night.

[pop music continues playing]

[tense music playing]

Why the fuck would you show up to my event?

[man] Why wouldn't I come?

[woman] Because you're not a woman in business.

-[man] God. -You can't let me have anything of my own.

[man] You can't let me have fun?

-I paid for this. -[woman] The audacity! "I paid for it."

[man] I did pay for it.

Enjoy the women's event. Suck my fucking dick, Max.

Maybe I will enjoy it.

Hey, girly vibes. Oh my God, you guys look incredible!

Are we looking so cute? Are we looking so cute?

Of course we are.

We got our little drinky-drinks?

Oh, get a cosmo. Make sure to have a cosmo later.

-They're gone. Let's get out of here. -I can't. I gotta do inventory.

[Shane] Fuck inventory.

Ooh, you know where we should go? To Oswald's.

-Remember old, dirty Oswald's? -[laughs] Oswald's?

Our parents used to get fucked up there. Let's hit the lanes.

-I haven't been there since I was a kid. -Me neither. Let's get fucked up and bowl.

-All right. -[Shane] Let's go.

-You gonna sign off for this? -[Shane] I don't give a fuck. Yes.

Actually, hold on. Let me do inventory real quick.

-Got it. We're good. Come on. -All right.

You'll have to explain to Will why it's not done.

[Shane] Okay.

[woman] It's fine. If you could make it look interesting at all,

I think that'd be what we're looking for.

-Hey, excuse me. -Hi. Hi.

Um, no, try… If we go this way.

I'm sorry, are you with West Chester Magazine?

I am, yes.

[Will] That's awesome!

I'm Will. I'm from Valley Forge Auto.

-Hi. -[Will] Hey!

Um, you know, we actually won "Best of West Chester"

from you guys a couple times.

-Did you? -[Will] Yeah, we got two plaques.

We would really like to be considered again.

You can go. Um…

So you're a female-owned business?

-Yeah. -Valley Forge Auto?

Valley Forge Auto. That's right, yeah. That… that woman, uh, right over there,

that's

the owner.

[woman] The woman trying to smoke indoors?

Are you kidding?

-Oh, well, no, she's-- -[woman 2] Hannah!

Moira.

I have not seen you since you wrote that piece on my family.

[Hannah] Hmm.

Hannah wrote a piece

talking about how wealthy we are and how we don't pay enough taxes,

and "blah, blah, blah."

Your job is so cool. I mean, you…

You have a job.

Yeah, well, some people do work, you know, for a living.

-[Moira] Ah, cute. -[Hannah] Hmm, yeah, sure.

Speaking of jobs,

I should get back to mine because I'm very successful at it.

-Yeah. -Maybe see you.

-[Moira] See you. -Oops, oops wait!

Oh my God!

I had to step in and save you. You were like a deer in headlights.

Yeah, I mean, she was a little…

[meows]

[meows]

-[meows] -[meows]

-[meows] -[Moira laughs]

You are so funny and, like, really cute.

Thank you.

-You should meet the rest of the girls. -I'd love to meet the girls.

-Ah! -[Will] Oh, okay!

What the fuck is he doing?

[man] Whiskey.

Hi.

-I'm Max. -Kilah.

I haven't seen you at one of these events before.

Yeah, first time. I don't usually come to shit like this.

Well, you don't fit in.

And trust me, that is a fucking good thing. [laughs]

[percussive music playing]

[Max] Yeah, one more, thank you.

So where are you from?

-Close by. -Yeah?

Your accent is incredible. What is that?

Close-by accent.

Fucking Oswald's? This is gonna be sick.

I know! I can't believe you thought of this.

I know, dude. I hope nothing changed.

I hope it's Marlboro Reds, Twisted T-shirts,

pregnant ladies smoking Marlboro Reds wearing Twisted T-shirts.

[Cal laughs]

Oh my God, I forgot about it. I hope they still allow smoking in there.

They fucking better, dude.

This is what it's all about.

Just two dudes going out, having a couple beers, ripping some cigs,

bowling, no kids,

no fucking girlfriends or wives telling us what we can and cannot do.

[laughing] Yeah.

[rock music playing quietly on car radio]

Although it would be nice to, you know,

have a girl.

-Bring some kids, make memories with them. -No, dude, I'm saying this is us.

Like, it's for us. It's for the bros.

You and me are gonna get fucked up. It'll be sick.

Yeah.

I'm just saying, it might be nice to--

-Hey, this song. You remember this song? -[turns up volume]

-[rock music continues] -This shit rocks.

[group laughing]

So my plastic surgeon tells me I need to stop rolling my eyes so much,

and I told him, "Well, then my housekeeper needs to stop complaining about her hip."

[all laughing]

-[woman] Oh, that's so good. -Yeah.

Hey, everyone.

Nicole, how are you?

I'm… okay.

It's going okay.

I'm holding up.

I'll see you guys around. [chuckles]

[chuckles] Okay.

What was that?

Oh, she is so needy.

-Yeah, she does. She comes off needy. -Yeah.

It's like she wanted us to ask her what was going on,

and it's like, who cares?

Honestly, fuck her.

[all laugh]

Oh my goodness, you're bad.

-Yeah. -[cell phone buzzing]

Oh, sorry, guys.

[Kathy] Who's Shane?

Ugh, I am not answering that right now. I need a break from him tonight.

Ugh, I hear that.

He's probably drunk already, just wants to nag me.

Honestly, he might show up, and he'd hate that I'm having fun.

He sounds so controlling.

He is.

-Chad's the same way. -[Kathy] He is.

-He is. -Yeah. Wait, who the fuck's Chad?

[Kathy] Well, Shane is not here now.

Cheers! Should we go try on some clothes?

-I would love to try on some clothes! -[laughing]

Oh my goodness! Yeah, 'cause there's so many choices around here. Yeah.

-[woman] How about that? -Well, that's a dress, but…

[percussive music playing]

Yeah.

All right, I'll see ya.

[Max] Okay.

[knocks on door]

Hi!

Hey, uh, do you know where the bathroom is? I gotta piss.

[laughing] You're so cute.

Of course I know where the bathroom is. This is my store.

[Kilah] Oh, sweet.

It's really fucking nice in here.

It's like, um, a fancy Goodwill.

So what do you do?

Uh, Valley Forge Auto.

-[woman] Oh. -[Kilah] Cars and shit.

Well, your pants look so cozy.

Perfect for this event.

Yeah, um…

They're Walmart.

Oh my God, you're killing me.

[laughs] "Walmart."

[gasps] I'm dead.

Yeah.

And I would like to not ruin them with piss.

So do you know where the bathroom is?

It's right back there, past the vintage leather jackets.

-Thanks. -[woman] Mm-hmm.

Bitch.

Trash.

-[Moira] I think you need to get this. -[Will] Does it look good?

-You're a fox! -So good!

-Oh, no way! -Gorgeous.

-Wow. -[Moira] Foxy little minx.

-[Will] I feel great. -[Moira] I love…

Hey, Kathy, can we chat?

-Uh, just give me one second. -[woman] Okay.

The next time you invite a bunch of people to my store for a big event,

it'd be nice if you let me know who they are. Yeah?

Are you hearing me, Kathy?

Do not talk to me like that, Jenny!

I'm sorry, but if you're not going to take your job

as head of WCWBA party planning seriously,

I will find someone who will.

Fair?

Oh my God, are you fucking crying now?

Okay. Of course.

Oh my God. Are you okay?

I don't know.

Kathy, I'm so sorry.

She always treats me like this.

Last year, I got the hiccups during my husband's eulogy,

and she said I was faking it for attention.

Well, she's a bitch!

The biggest bitch.

And just because her husband's Max Goodman,

no one ever calls her out on anything, you know?

Newsflash, I saw her and her husband fighting earlier.

-[gasps] -Are you serious? That's awesome.

I hope he fucking kills her.

-[Moira] Kathy! -I'm sorry.

Okay, listen, I know why they're fighting.

He is sleeping with Nicole, and it's supposed to be this big secret,

but everyone knows.

-Oh my God. And we hate Nicole. -[Moira] I know.

[dramatic music playing]

[Will] Hey.

Move along, Nicole.

-[Moira] So desperate. -[Kathy] Yeah, it's embarrassing.

I'm gonna grab a smoke.

-Yeah, I'll join you. -[Kilah] Okay.

[upbeat pop music playing]

[cheering]

Hello. Welcome to Oswald's Family Fun Center.

Hey, can we get a lane?

[woman] Uh, how many kids?

Oh, no kids, just two bros.

Okay.

[cheering in background]

Can we not do that?

I mean, it's not illegal, but the wait's gonna be, like, an hour.

[Cal] An hour?

Yeah, we prioritize larger parties. People who have families come here.

Oh, well, we're about to drink enough beer for a large party.

[Eve] There's no beer.

-No alcohol at Oswald's Family Fun Center. -Since when?

Since there was.

What?

-If we had beers, can we bring them in? -Did you bring beer in here?

-No. -No.

No, you can't.

-Why not? -You guys can't be drunk around kids.

Not at Oswald's Family Fun Center.

People drank in front of us all the time when we were kids, and we came out okay.

-All right. You wanna leave? -Yeah. I'm gonna take a piss.

-Where's the bathroom? -Bathrooms are for customers only.

What's the cheapest thing we can buy to use the bathroom?

-Fountain soda? -Great, I'll have two small piss sodas.

[loud slurping]

Oh, Kilah said there's a ton of booze at that place.

Will's a fucking liar. We should go there. You wanna go there?

-Yeah, I'm down. -[Shane] All right.

Are you going no hands?

[Cal] Yeah.

That's crazy. You must have a monster dong.

I swear to God, my dick's getting smaller as I'm getting older.

When I was a kid, I was like, "My dick's…" I felt like Simba.

I was like, "I'm gonna be fucking king someday." It's like--

[toilet flushes]

[door opens]

[Shane clears throat]

[man] Come on.

[percussive music playing]

Hi! I'm Will.

-Max Goodman. Hi. -Yeah, nice to meet you.

-Max from Good Day West Chester. -That's the one, yeah.

I met your wife in there. She is really sweet. What a lovely store.

[scoffs] Yeah.

Yeah. Lovely store. Not for everybody. Um…

Boy, it's so good to run into you

because we've been trying to get on TV for quite some time.

You know, I… I don't really set that up, but that's, like, more producer…

But maybe I'll… I'll give you his email.

How about that? I can, like, maybe set that up for you.

-I would love to. I write great emails. -[Max] Sure.

I'd love to email a producer. Sounds great. [laughs]

-[Max] Yeah, man. -[Will] All right.

It's good talking to you. And it was really nice talking to you.

[Kilah] You too.

-[Max] See ya. Okay. -[Will] Yeah.

[Max chuckles]

How'd you know he was married to that bitchy lady?

Oh, well, I know everything.

He's married to Jenny, but he's having an affair with Nicole,

who's a needy bitch.

Also, stay away from Jana. She's a total backstabber.

What the fuck are you talking about? Can we leave?

What? Kilah, things are about to get good.

Madeline's about to give a toast,

and she's been MIA since Natalie's bridal shower.

♪ Three, four, let me hear you scream If you want some more ♪

♪ Like, ah, push it, push it Watch me work it… ♪

[Jenny] Okay, West Chester women.

Let's party!

[all cheering]

[dance music playing]

♪ Superstar, everybody wanna come up When I'm at the bar ♪

♪ All the people wanna try Gimme some more ♪

♪ Try a little harder, honey Give me some more ♪

♪ Let's go, I'm a superstar Getting busy with the boys hanging… ♪

[Will] I think that looks really good.

Yeah, it does.

-I feel rugged. -Yeah.

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Let me hear you scream If you want some more ♪

♪ Like ah, push it, push it ♪

♪ Watch me work it, I'm perfect ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Let me hear you scream if you want… ♪

[Moira] Yeah, it's, like, hot.

♪ Watch me work it, I'm perfect ♪

♪ The look, the lips, the hips, the tits ♪

♪ The hair, the eyes The skin, the waist ♪

♪ You see what I can do On this microphone ♪

♪ So guess what I'm gonna do To you at home ♪

♪ Four, three, two, one ♪

♪ Four, three, two, one ♪

♪ One, two, three, whoo… ♪

[Moira] You know who you look like?

Harry Styles.

-Oh yeah? -[Moira] Yeah, it's, like, in the eyes.

♪ One, two, three, whoo! ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Four, three, two, one ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Four, three, whoo! ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Let me hear you scream If you want some more ♪

♪ Like ah, push it, push it ♪

♪ Watch me work it, I'm perfect ♪

I don't know. Is it too much?

-Uh-uh. Not even a little bit. -[Moira] It makes you look tall.

-[Will] Does it? -[Moira] Honestly, it's hot.

[Will] I feel like this is what George Washington wore,

just obviously not gold or leopard. But…

Only on the weekends.

Oh my God, Shane's here.

[Moira] That's Shane? He looks so tall.

-Do not pay him a compliment. -I'll take care of it.

Kathy, don't.

-So you're Shane? -[Shane] Yeah.

What are you guys doing here? Celebrating Chewbacca?

No, it's the WCWBA.

And, just so you know,

Will needs some space.

Oh, okay. I'll have a beer.

I'm not a waitress.

Really? You're so young and pretty. I thought you were a waitress.

-What kind of beer do you want? -[Shane] I don't know. Surprise me.

-Hey, what was your name? -Kathy.

Kathy. Great rack.

-Oh! -[Shane] Really great.

Kathy?

That was fucking easy.

-Hey, I'm Cal. -Uh…

Nice to meet you. It's a hell of a party. You wanna see me chug this?

No.

Wow. They got more of these at the bar, right?

-Willy boy, what are we doing here? -[Will] I'm mingling.

Yeah, he's having fun. Is that okay with you?

Oh my God.

[Will] Yeah, I'm having fun. Is that okay with you?

I leave you for two hours, you start dressing like a Black vampire.

Thank you.

-Kathy, you're giving him beer? -Yeah, Kathy fucking rocks.

-He said I have a nice rack. -[Shane] Mm-hmm.

Excuse me, can I ask why you guys were invited to this event?

Relax, Jenny.

I invited them.

And why did you do that?

Because they are a female-owned business.

Holy shit, you told them that?

[gasps]

So you lied.

I knew it!

I knew Walmart lady didn't own a business.

Shh.

-Shh. -Did you just shush me?

No.

[Max] Fill that all the way to the top.

-Thank you. -[Jenny] I'll be straight with you.

This is a nice event,

and we worked really hard to put it together,

and you all are trash.

Wait, aren't you the lady having an affair with Max?

[crowd gasps]

-[woman] What? -[Will] Kilah! Shh.

No, no, no, that's Nicole.

[gasps]

[Will] Kilah, that's an open secret everybody knows. Shut up!

You pig!

Nicole?

Nicole. Yes, yeah, we did.

Okay, okay! Let's all calm down. I don't like this.

Oh my God. Shut the fuck up, Kathy!

Don't talk to her like that, Jenny.

And, Moira, your new lips look like shit.

[crowd gasps]

You said you could barely notice.

[Kathy] You bitch!

[gasps]

[crowd gasps]

-[Jenny screams] -[crowd gasps]

Oh, I'm gonna come.

[Moira] Okay! Okay! Let's calm down.

She may not own that business, but we do have a member

of the LGBT community here tonight at our event.

Wait, what?

I'm not… I'm not gay.

-What? -What?

No, I'm not… I'm not gay.

[crowd murmuring]

Were you… were you just pretending?

No, I wasn't pretending. This is just who I am.

No, Will is gay, but he likes women. He's, like, a new letter in the thing.

Uh, I mean, it's a little complicated,

but that's true.

Before he came here,

he was actually hoping to get jacked off by one of you.

-That's not true! -That's true. We talked about it.

-Did we talk about it? -[Will] We talked about it.

But that's not what I'm doing here, and you know that. All I said was,

if there was, like, a beautiful woman that… that wanted to do that,

then I was like, "Oh, you wouldn't get a hand job from one."

I can't believe you talk like that. I would though.

Hey, Will, I think we can get you in the magazine after all.

Yeah, fucking Count Wackula tries to get a hand job at the Chewbacca party.

You look great.

You two gotta get the fuck out of here right now

because you're ruining my good friend's big night.

-Aw, thank you, Kathy. -I didn't mean to smack you that hard.

No, it's okay.

-I'm sorry. -[Moira] Guys!

-I love you. I'm so sorry. -[Moira] Oh!

[Jenny] Oh, I love us.

What the fuck is going on in here?

[sobs] Your lips look really good.

-Thank you. -[Jenny] Natural.

[mouths] What the fuck?

[women] Mmm!

-Can you guys get the fuck out of here? -[Kathy] Yeah.

-Gross. -Hey, thanks. Kathy. [clicks tongue]

[Will] Yeah, well, thank you. We really did have a lovely time.

Take off the fucking merchandise.

[Will] I'll Venmo you for it.

[Cal] Can we get the fuck out of here?

♪ Certain kinds of trash You just don't see anymore… ♪

-[Shane] No hand job? -[Will] Shane!

♪ Certain kinds of trash Aren't around anymore ♪

♪ You just don't see 'em ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Certain kinds of trash Aren't on the floor ♪

♪ People don't need 'em ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ You just don't see 'em ♪

♪ No, no, no, you just don't see 'em ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ People don't need 'em ♪

♪ No, no, no, you just don't see 'em ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Things like pop tops From the 12-ounce can ♪

♪ You just don't see 'em ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Cigarette holders and colored sand You just don't see 'em ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Pieces of magnetic tape Caught in a tree ♪

♪ Things are the things That I love to see ♪

♪ You just don't see 'em ♪

[song fades]