Original subtitles

-[up beat music playing] -[car door shuts]

[Dave] Our secret shopper is a local actress named Holly.

We've sent her in to our four worst-performing stores,

each time wearing a hidden microphone

so we can hear everything, Phil.

-Whoa. -Hi.

Hi, how you doing?

[sighs]

Wow. You're, uh, nice.

[Dave] Now, the car she's driving has a ton of problems.

I mean, tires, calipers, filters, everything.

They're not even upselling?

Not only are they not upselling,

every single manager was flirting with her and offered her a huge discount.

Here's Joe at Phoenixville.

"I gotta say, you are just so beautiful."

"I mean, really, truly hot."

"Can I take you out? Can I ask that? I'm gonna ask that. Let me take you out."

Cooch at Paoli.

"What color are your eyes?"

"I've never seen eyes like that. Your car is all fucked up,

but we can just do the oil, save you some cash."

-[giggles] -[Dave] Freddy at Belmont.

"I don't know if you're gonna pass inspection with a trunk that full."

"Damn, baby."

Then Darnell interjects, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Get back out to the shop."

"I'm sorry about him, baby."

"He's a pervert."

-"You got a man?" -Jesus Christ.

After the first three guys blew it so bad,

we decided to send her into Monaco with an actor portraying her boyfriend.

I can only dream about how Chuck did.

Let's let the transcript speak for itself.

"You are so hot."

"Has anyone ever told you that? Is this your brother?"

Then the actor says,

"No, I'm her boyfriend."

Chuck proceeds.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm pretty good at reading body language,

and I thought you were maybe a brother who was disabled."

Holy shit.

[laughs] I know.

These guys are pathetic. Luckily, I don't live that lifestyle anymore.

I'm in active sex addiction recovery, and, uh, it's going really well.

Okay.

Yeah, I mean, after the affair,

I had to show Barb I was a serious, monogamous man that would no longer

be a prisoner to the joys of flesh,

and I gotta say, it's helping every other aspect of my life. I mean--

Okay, Dave, that's it. Thank you.

Um…

Okay, just really quickly, though,

we should just kinda discuss sending her into Will and Shane's store.

No. Will's many things, but he's not a deviant.

Plus, he and Shane would have a fucking meltdown

if they found out we were spying on 'em.

Uh…

Yeah, your call, for sure.

I can wrap it up. I just…

If we don't send her into their store,

the other guys might accuse you of favoritism, but…

You're the boss. [chuckles]

You make a fair point, Dave.

All right, activate Agent McBusty.

[intriguing music playing]

Excellent.

-Get out of my office, Dave. -You got it, boss.

[mellow acoustic music playing]

-[Cal] She's beautiful. You dated her? -[rock music playing over PA]

-[Shane] Yeah. In high school, yeah. -I should've played high school football.

I would've crushed you if you'd played high school football.

Then I would finger your girlfriend.

Thanks. You gonna reach out to her?

Oh yeah. Good call, dude.

Yeah, I'll just DM Jill and be like, "Oh, hey. It's me, Shane. Remember me?"

"I noticed on the Internet you and your husband got a divorce,

and I've been looking at your page every night scrolling through,

thinking about what if it was me and you together and if we had a family, and…"

[scoffs] Yeah, dude, that's not…

I'm not gonna send that. Are you a fucking idiot?

-Well, don't say all that. -Plus, she's got kids now, so…

Yeah.

-Which means she is fertile. -[keys jangling]

And based on my loads, I'm definitely fertile.

But that's all the past now.

This is who I am.

You know, sometimes the future looks a lot like the past.

-Could you not talk like a T-shirt? -I'm not talking like a T-shirt.

-You talk like T-shirts. -When else?

A week ago, you walked up to me and went, "Spring break, 2010."

That was not a week ago. That was 2010, and it was spring break.

All right. Would you just give her a chance?

What have you got to lose?

[woman] An earpiece?

Yeah, an earpiece. You've been playing fast and loose with the script.

I meticulously crafted this. I wanna be able to monitor you.

-Whatever. -Hey, hey, hey. What is this?

I already told you,

my buddy does all the Sheetz commercials in Western Pennsylvania, all right?

You play ball, I might be able to put in a good word for you.

I don't wanna be in a fucking Sheetz commercial!

I'm trying to give you an opportunity. Don't you want to be an actress?

You think Scarlett Johansson went directly to getting harassed on The Avengers set?

Fine, but this is the last one. I'm tired of dealing with these assholes.

Hey, listen. It's the last asshole, but it's the most crucial asshole, okay?

You gotta nail this guy.

And I'm gonna warn you.

He is a fucking freak.

Your nipple's out.

Go!

What are we talking about my nipples for?

-Step, chassé. -[Kilah] Chassé.

-And then, here's the big one. -[Kilah] Wow.

Do you have to stretch for that high knee? That's a high knee.

I don't have to stretch, but I do work it out.

[Kilah] Okay.

[Dave] Walk in. Ignore the girl at the front.

It's YouTube tutorials.

-[Kilah] Oh. -[Dave] The manager.

Focus on him.

The guy with the fucked-up face, yes.

-Flatter him. -Fucker.

Hello!

-[Holly] Hi. -[Kilah] Hey, how are ya?

Good. Can I just get an oil change?

-Sure, let me just pull up my screen here… -[Dave] Call him Timothée Chalamet.

Whoa, has anyone ever told you you look like Timothée Chalamet?

Wha…

[snickers]

Kilah!

-Me? -[Holly] Yeah.

No! No, I've never actually heard that before. I…

Wow, that's a really… Thank you.

-What a nice compliment. -[chuckles] Yes.

Uh, I mean, look at you. You look like a movie star yourself.

You got a little Reese Witherspoon meets Charlize Theron thing going on.

That's… Wow. Thank you.

Yes. Yes, we can…

The, um, uh, oil change. Yes, we could… we could definitely…

-Kilah, can we bring that screen right up? -Yeah.

-What kind of car do you have? -Honda.

Oh, Honda. [laughs] That's great.

That's good. Uh…

Great car. I had a Honda for a while.

Did you?

Uh, I mean, it was, uh…

I had a… It was a Toyota. But I'll tell you what.

Let me go check and make sure we got some space for you,

and, uh, we'll get you right on in.

-[Holly] Cool. -[Will] All right.

[Cal] Look, the bearing's broke. It won't even get on.

-What'd you do to it? -I didn't…

-You drop this thing all the time. -I don't drop it.

Guys, guys, guys. Look at this woman up front.

I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I think she's into me.

-[Cal] How? -Dude.

Shane, yeah, she said I look like Timothée Chalamet.

-Oh my God, dude! -Come on!

[Shane] You don't look like Timothée Chalamet.

You do look like a frail lesbian, so maybe she's got a thing for that.

Shane.

I hate to side with Shane here, but there's no way that girl's into you.

Also, if she has a thing for frail lesbians,

don't let her come back here and see me.

Big lesbian, thick lesbian.

I'm a Portland 12, final boss.

The head honcho of lesbians.

Why don't you just go talk to her? You're 40 and single.

-It's pathetic. You got nothing to lose. -You're just as old as me.

-Who are you asking out? -I'm not as old as you.

And I've asked out a lot of… Dude, just go do it.

[Will] Okay, fine, fine. What do I say? How do I… I mean…

Dude, she thinks you're Chalamet. Go play it cool.

I'm just gonna be a little bit aloof, just a little like, "Yeah, whatever."

Holy shit. Yeah, hit her with a "whatever" immediately.

-She'll be into that. -I don't have to do much.

She's really coming on to me.

[Shane chuckles]

[Will] Some women, they're attracted to who they're attracted to.

You think she's into the top half of a mythical creature?

Listen, I'm just gonna go play it cool, and we'll see what happens.

-Also, Cal broke this. -I did not. He broke it.

You've seen him dropping it, right?

[intriguing music playing]

[music building]

[Kilah] Why is there newspapers on the windows?

What are you, trying to rape kids, you asshole?

Disgusting.

What's happening? You have to narrate.

The mechanics are looking at my car.

The guy up front is actually really nice.

-He's probably still an ass. -[Dave] Yes.

Exactly.

Keep those instincts. These guys are pieces of shit.

Don't let your guard down

around this guy. He's a pervert.

Grade A pervert.

Now take your jacket off. Let 'em breathe a little bit.

Tell him you're hot. Tell him you're sweaty all over.

Hey, uh, can we turn the air up in here? I'm just getting, um…

feeling a little sweaty all over.

[Shane] Nice.

[Cal] Is it me, or is she acting, like, extra hot?

Like she's posing.

Yeah. She's definitely up to something.

-What are you up to? -[camera clicks]

Oh, yes… definitely.

It is. It's definitely a little sweaty all over.

Kilah, can we turn the, uh… the… the air down a little bit?

-Hmm? -Come on, man, I'm freezing.

Okay, sir, I have a blanket in my office.

-What? -[Will] I'm serious.

If you wanna bundle up a little bit.

Full disclosure, there's some cat hair on it. If you're allergic--

No, I don't want a fucking blanket.

And I'm not allergic to cats. I'm not allergic to cats.

-You like cats? You own any? -Okay, sir, just back to your phone.

-A little Candy Crush, maybe? -What?

I was just trying to be nice. Know what might be a good idea?

Take laps around the building.

I'm not going running while waiting for my car to be done. Idiot.

Do you have a call to make?

-Call your mom, see how she's doing. -Why don't I call your mom?

Call my mom. Good luck. You'll be on for two hours.

-Just find out if my fucking car's done. -Okay, it's a "no" on the blanket.

We're gonna cool it down in here for ya.

-This whole place is fucking… -[cell phone buzzing]

[groans]

Yeah?

DeRosa, it's Phil.

What do you need?

We sent a secret shopper into your store the other day, and, uh, needless to say…

[DeRosa] Goddammit!

-It was that fucking Black guy, wasn't it? -What?

No, and I hate the way you just said that.

Phil, he was starting shit with me, okay?

I don't know what to tell you.

Uh, do you remember heavily flirting with a young woman?

Yes!

The Black guy's wife, I know. Listen.

-This is what I'm saying… -Holy shit. It wasn't them.

It was a blonde woman named Holly.

She drove up in a fucked-up Honda.

Ah fuck.

[intriguing music playing]

It's a fucking stakeout.

-[message sent tone] -Oh!

[Dave] I need you to get a discount. Get him to get you a discount.

I'll give you 300 more dollars.

[Will] Excuse me, ma'am? Or miss?

So, uh, we had a look at your car,

and it does look like we're gonna need to do some serious work.

Oh no.

[Will] Yeah, uh, we're gonna wanna do the front rotors, the front brake pads.

With that, we really should do the front tires,

and also, I'm sure you noticed the huge sort of crack in the windshield.

-[Holly] Uh-uh. -[Will] Yes.

Um, we wanna fix the crack 'cause that'll fail inspection.

Excuse me, are you acting ugly in there or something?

Shut the fuck up.

Everything okay?

Uh, yeah, everything's fine. [chuckles]

So how much is that gonna be?

[Will] Well, you're looking at about $2,200 all in, um…

But, uh, you know, we could…

[Dave] Holly, please, more seductive.

Amp it up, for Christ's sake.

Definitely, I… I would fix the crack.

So… how long have you been a manager here?

Oh, uh, no, I'm not a manager. I'm actually one of the owners.

One of the owners? Okay.

Yeah. My uncle's the main owner, but he doesn't know what he's doing,

so he sorta relies on me…

[laughing] Yes!

Yes.

Cool, so, um, you could probably do a discount?

Oh, a d… a discount?

Say it.

-I'd have to check with one of the owners. -[Holly laughs]

[Will] And… [laughing]

Thank you. Yeah, look at those. Jeez.

Hey, Will?

[Will] Huh?

[Shane] Your mom called. You forgot to make your bed again.

Uh, I don't live at home. That's--

She also said there's a lot of hard socks in your room again.

Shane! That's my cousin--

And she said it keeps gumming up the washing machine.

It almost started a fire in the dryer

'cause you had too many hard socks 'cause of whatever you do in your room.

Okay, I am so sorry. That was totally inappropriate.

I don't live at home.

I don't have hard socks. I'll be right back. Hold on one second.

Okay, you saw that. Clearly, she was flirting.

-Clearly, she was flirting, but… -But what?

Cal and I talked. She's trying to use you for a discount.

-Okay, well, because she… -Because, dude, look at her.

Girls like that don't go for guys like us unless you got money or a huge dong.

Unless you got that surgery you've been googling, you're oh-for-two.

How do you know what I've been googling?

Shane, stay off my computer!

-And… and also, you know, maybe-- -And?

Maybe you have boner brain, she knows it, and she's using it against you.

No. No.

No, what? You do. Unfortunately for you, the only way to get rid of that poison is,

you're gonna have to jack off at work.

Okay. Absolutely not. That's disgusting.

It's not that weird. Cal jacks off all the time at work.

What?

-It's a victimless crime. -Okay, no more jacking off at work.

[Cal] What?

[man puffs air]

Un-fucking-real.

[scoffs] Yeah, right.

-[Chuck] The chick is single? -[Phil] No, she was a secret shopper.

[Chuck] What?

And you were technically harassing her

along with a disabled guy that was her companion.

-No, her brother. I thought the same… -Hey. Chuck, hang on. Hey, what's up?

Hey, I was just popping by to see if you might wanna go grab lunch.

Whoo, no, no. I would like to, but I can't get away.

I'm just kind of swamped, so…

[Bonnie] Hmm, yeah.

So?

So… I was thinking you and I should go away for a weekend,

just the two of us.

Maybe next week, we could go to the Poconos.

Yeah, there's… there's no way I can get away next week.

I mean, I've just got so much going on here.

-But I need-- -[Chuck] Phil, who's the lady?

Chuck, be quiet. So can we just pause that conversation?

Yeah, sure.

Okay. We will go there.

I do not know where it is, but it's a destination.

-I love you, babe. -I love you too.

So, Chuck…

-[Chuck] I'm here. -[Phil] He wasn't her boyfriend.

-Okay, so I'll call her. -No!

-[Cal] How long's it been out there? -All day long, just sitting there.

-Yeah, that's weird. -Yeah. What do you think?

Do you think it might be, like, CIA or FBI or something, maybe?

No. Why would you even think that?

So I've been stealing, like, a lot from Target.

-What, Kilah? -It's just little things.

Some things that are like… they fell from the shelves.

I'm helping. I'm cleaning up. It's ChapSticks, lotions, travel items.

So you're saying you think the FBI and the CIA are in a windowless van

sitting outside of the shop because you stole so much from Target?

No. I was just telling you something. You think they're here for me?

[Cal] No. That's crazy.

Are you sure?

Worst-case scenario, it's a guy jacking off in there.

People can jack off that also work for the FBI or the CIA.

Okay, the CIA is not jacking off in that van.

They killed JFK, Cal. You don't think they can jack off in a van?

Those seem like two wildly different operations.

You know what? I'm gonna call the police. Thanks for nothing.

Good.

Maybe they can come down here and jack off.

-[line rings] -[operator] 911, what is your emergency?

-Hello, yes, officers. -Yes.

Officer? Yeah. I need to… There's, like, um, an unmarked van,

and it's blacked out, and there's rape going on.

I'm almost positive.

-Okay. -Unrelated question.

What would… What is the punishment by law

for someone who is stealing small makeup personal items from Target?

What?

-Hey, uh, Holly. -Hey.

Everything okay?

Uh, yeah, I just can't find my fucking earring.

Gotcha, yikes.

Um, well, listen,

you know, I hate to say it,

but we can't really offer that much of a discount,

but I did talk to the guys,

and, uh, we could resurface the rotors instead of replacing them

and save you a couple of hundred bucks.

No, it's okay. You don't have to do that.

Oh, no, no. It's not a big deal. I talked to the guys,

and I told them that she's, uh…

Well, she's great, and, uh,

they'll take care of it for you, no problem.

Um… Wow, okay.

[Dave] If this freak doesn't give you a discount, I'm docking you 200 bucks.

-No! -You okay?

Yeah, sorry, I'm fine. I just, um,

remembered that I left something on at home.

I can take you anywhere you wanna go. Oh fuck, I don't have my car!

-Sir, we're fine, thank you. -Goddammit, dude.

I'm sorry, that sucks. Do you need to go? I could call you an Uber if you want.

No, it's okay.

Okay, well, let me know if you change your mind, and…

Hey, you're really sweet, by the way.

Um, I've been to a lot of these shops,

and you were the nicest manager I've met by far.

Oh!

[chuckling]

Well, thank you very much. That's, you know, really, uh…

-Say it, Will. -Hey, uh…

That's… that's… that's a little chicken soup for the, uh…

-Hey, um… -[Dave] Yes.

The discount, Will.

I'm sorry to ask this, but would you ever wanna…

Give her the discount, Will. The discount!

Uh… [sighs]

Oh, man, the guys are right. I'm an idiot. I am so sorry.

-You blew that. -[Will] Sir.

I'm gonna, uh…

I'm gonna go check on your car. I'm sorry, Holly.

Fuck!

[melancholy music playing]

You didn't blow it, dude.

Yes, I did. There was a clear opportunity, and I just bailed on it.

Bro, you think you blew it? I DMed Jill Stuart today.

I haven't talked to her in, like, ten years. Psycho shit.

She's the love of my life. She'll never talk to me again.

What'd you DM her?

[Shane] I tried to say hi. I misspelled "hi." I sent "H."

So then the next DM is me going, "I meant to say hi, ha ha ha."

Then, obviously, no response,

so I was like, "It's crazy to talk after this long, ha ha ha."

I kept saying "ha ha."

Oh, why would you do that?

I don't know. I didn't know if she…

Fuck you. You're the one who fucking blew it. That was pathetic.

What? You said I didn't blow it.

I was being nice to you, dumbass.

[Will] Okay, Shane…

Also, the surgery doesn't look that bad.

[Will] But you gotta go to Turkey for it to get it cheap.

-They do hair, too, right? -Yeah.

That's a good trip. Fly to Turkey, come back with an Elvis haircut

and a ten-inch dong. That'd be fun.

Yeah, I honestly think about it all the time.

Go to Thanksgiving… You and me both go to Thanksgiving with full wigs

and giant dongs.

Uncles would be pissed.

-Yeah. -They'd be like, "My nephew's trans."

"Transed into more of a guy."

Then they would copy it. Now we're in a family of ten dudes

with long hair and huge dongs.

That'd be crazy, especially 'cause all of us are kinda ugly.

I'd see your penis if it was fake.

It wouldn't be weird to show each other our penises.

Post-op, no.

Post-op.

I'd pay a pretty penny for them to botch yours.

[Will] Shane!

[phone rings]

Hello.

Shane, it's DeRosa. Yo, listen, man. Heads up.

Phil and Dave are sending some secret shopper around

to all the stores.

Those fucking dickheads. There's a secret shopper.

Yeah, dude. Super-hot chick, man. Blonde. [sighs]

Phenomenal rack.

Anyway, she's spying on all the stores. Can you believe that shit?

She got some hot chick name too.

-Is it Holly? -That's it, yeah, Holly.

So look, man, keep your eyes peeled, okay?

And, oh, take a pic, 'cause I forgot, all right, dude?

Especially from the back when she's walking out the door.

-All right. You're fat, bye. -You're fucking fat, you dumbass.

-Fuck, he hung up. -What were you guys talking about?

Oh, your girlfriend's a spy.

Who even is this woman?

What kind of fucking actress is this?

She's quite photogenic, I guess.

Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?

Did Phil send you in to spy on me?

So there's nothing going on between… Because I actually thought that we…

Oh my God, Phil's an asshole!

And his earring sucks, and his clothes suck,

and that deep, dumb voice.

It's pretty messed up you did that. You came in here dressed all hot,

tricked my friend into thinking he has a chance

when he never ever came close to having a shot with you.

Well, out of everyone at Valley Forge, he probably has the best shot.

Wait, what?

But there's still no shot. There's still no shot. I mean, you're really nice.

Unlike you, asshole.

I suppose I could browse for a little longer. It's not…

-[Shane] Why… -[Will] Who are you talking to?

There's a guy in that van over there talking to me through this earpiece.

What?! And it's being recorded?

Everything I just said?

Everything I've been saying about Phil as my boss?

Yeah, I got a mic right here.

-It's been there? -No wonder we didn't see it.

We're being respectful.

We liked your personality. We wouldn't stare at your jugs.

Right, yeah. Have you ever heard of a secret shopper?

All right, fine. It's me. I'm the secret shopper.

Kilah, what the fuck are you talking about?

No, I am.

[Shane] So Phil's been in that van all day?

No, it's your boss, Dave.

Oh my God, you gotta be shitting me.

Uh…

This is too powerful.

I can't handle it.

Oh fuck!

[banging on door]

-[man] Open up! -What the fuck?

-[Dave] Whoa! -Oh my God, Dave!

-Excuse me. What the fuck? Close the door. -Are you jacking off in a windowless van?

No, I'm not jacking off. My cock is hard. That's not jacking off though.

Officers, it's not a fuckin' crime to be hard in a van.

This looks like a crime.

It's illegal to have an erection in a van? So if I'm in my home and my dick is hard,

you could break down the fucking doors and arrest me?

-Can you get out of the van? -[Dave] What?!

-Get the canines, the dogs. -[Dave] Fuck you!

[Shane] You want dogs?

-They'll chew on your knob. -I don't want that. It's illegal.

Listen, make an adjustment, come on out.

I'm not breaking any laws! My dick just happens to be hard!

I have high T, officer.

-You can't arrest me for that. -Wait, wait, wait. Is that my Instagram?

[Shane] Ew, Dave.

No, is that… That's you?

Okay, please close the doors. I think we've had enough today.

-Sir, get out of the car! -[Dave] Fuck you!

[cop] Get out of the van! Move!

-Let's go! -I'm the guy with a hard dick!

Kilah, the cops are here.

Their guns are out. Someone is jacking off in there.

[cop] Stop moving! Stop! Give me the phone!

Hey, sit back!

[Holly] One of the owners?

[Will] Yeah. My uncle's the main owner, but he doesn't know what he's doing,

so he sorta relies on me. I mean, he thinks he's very smart.

That's what you're choosing to focus on?

The insubordination? Of course.

Dave was whacking off in a van.

No, I was not. I had an erection in a van.

It's not illegal to have an erection in a van, for the last time!

Dave, be still. It's not illegal to have an erection in a van

in Pennsylvania.

Thank you.

-I can't believe you were spying on us. -It's not spying, Shane.

It's called secret shopping. It's a common managerial tool.

This is a real problem, Phil.

I agree with you, Will. It is a real problem.

Using my imaginary incompetence to hit on Holly?

I agree, it was a problem. He's just trying to be a manager, manage his stores.

Shut the fuck up. How'd you get hard?

I just happened to be hard.

-[Shane] You were just hard? -Yes.

-[Shane] No reason? -[Dave] I'm on medication.

What is it?

Ginkgo biloba.

Fucking ginkgo baloney.

No.

It's not ginkgo baloney! Ginkgo biloba! It's a secret from the Orient.

-Did you wash your hands? -After touching my own dick?

Oh, got him.

♪ Don't kill me ♪

♪ Just help me run away from everyone ♪

♪ I need a place to stay ♪

♪ Where I can cover up my face ♪

♪ Don't cry ♪

♪ I am just a freak ♪

♪ I am just a freak ♪

♪ I am just a freak ♪

♪ I am just a freak ♪

[song ends]