Original subtitles

Good afternoon.

To all the men and women of the USS Lincoln.

I know you've been gone for 322 days at sea,

and I want to be the first to welcome you home.

I'm sure you're excited to finally see your loved ones.

But first,

I bet you want to hear from the man

who put you on the boat in the first place.

Please welcome Secretary of War Pete Hegseth.

Yeah. Sup?

All right.

All right. Cut the track. Cut it!

Sup? Dong munchers.

And, yeah, I'm wearing an ammunition

belt made of fireball cinnamon whiskey.

The only alcohol designed to taste better on the way back up.

Relax.

I only brought it to christen

the ship on its glorious return to port.

Yeah.

Whatever.

Anyway, I'm honored to be here

addressing all you brave men and women.

How are you sailors doing tonight?

We're bad.

Okay, I heard. Awesome.

After seven months at war, you're back home

safe in sunny San Diego, which the president just asked.

I ran to blow up.

I couldn't be more proud of you.

Only eight of you attempted suicide.

Two of you. Since I started talking.

You executed over 3000 combat missions.

And you did it with zero casualties.

Zero flight mishaps and zero working toilets.

So I think I'd like to take a moment to honor

one brave seaman. No homo

who, instead of complaining, simply

held it like a man for 300 days. Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you sir.

Is there a bathroom I could use now?

Yeah, probably is probably a Starbucks,

like three blocks from here. Yeah. Go get them.

I also wanted to brief all you sailors on

some of the stuff we've been doing on land.

In case you immediately want to head back to sea

in December as we get into the Christmas spirit.

We're going to execute a guy in a wheelchair on live TV.

Yeah, that's right, public executions are back.

Kind of like scrubs.

And if the guy somehow survives the firing squad,

then he's got a fight. Jake Paul. So check that out.

I also unveiled a new logo for the Department of War.

Yeah. Pretty sick. Right? Check that out,

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry. Is that a Nazi eagle?

It's an American eagle with a Nazi vibe.

Okay.

Yeah.

Just looks identical to the Nazi eagle.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

You know, the only eagle you should be worried about

is your mom. Spread eagle on my bed right now.

Yeah. Paints a picture.

I realize you all return home with a ship

full of weapons grade diarrhea.

Yeah, but your health is of utmost concern. Starting now.

So here with an overview

of how he's making America healthy again.

He's the only guy who snorts more rhino horn than me.

RFK Jr.

Welcome home, sailors.

I'm happy to report that America is healthier than ever.

That's why I officially like to rename cold and Flu season two.

Cold and flu and listeria and measles and trench brain season.

We're also looking into something called

testicular dementia.

And yes, 200,000 pounds of pork,

beef and goat meat have been recalled.

But I just want to stress that catfish Pountney and cricket

are viable protein for any American family.

But I want to thank you.

We were able to spot those recalls early

by testing the meats on your ship.

The research you

provided on operational cruise will be vital for years to come.

And if I may, let me leave you with this.

That I let you. Yeah.

And I'm.

And it's been my esteemed pleasure to speak to. Wow.

All right.

I'm excited to have a really sad

pull up contacts with that guy later.

In conclusion,

you sailors spent over 300 days on the USS Lincoln.

So let me quote Lincoln Park.

You tried so hard and got so far.

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

Thank you for all being willing to go down with a ship,

even though it breaks my personal rule

of never going down on anyone.

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

SATURDAY NIGHT!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE," WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST ROSALIA.

AND YOUR HOST, SHANE GILLIS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SHANE

GILLIS!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

Thank you.

Thank you guys. I appreciate that.

How you guys doing?

That's good. It's good. I'm all right.

I'm fine.

I got a couple things I'm dealing with. Don't know.

I'm gonna lose weight.

It's a bummer.

You know, I mean, when you finally get so fat,

you're like, all right at that fat rock bottom, you guys.

Some of you guys are probably fat as hell, right?

Hey, just one guy.

Yeah, I know you hit that fat rock bottom.

My fat rock bottom sucked this year.

I was in a Bud Light commercial.

Every ten minutes,

I'd look up and see it on screen. I got your point. Like.

I was like, oh, no, I look like a lesbian.

You gotta change. So I tried hiking.

No, no, hiking was horrendous.

I was it was one of the worst experience.

I went hiking by myself.

Everyone was like, you're going to love it.

You're going to take in nature.

The whole time I didn't take in nature at all.

I looked at the ground.

I stared at the ground, trying

not to roll an ankle for like three hours.

The worst part was the only other person I saw on the hike

as it turned the corner, and the only other person I saw

was just a beautiful woman walking towards me,

also by herself. So now I have like 30 40s you know.

We're both both thinking it.

And look at me, obviously.

What I don't like, obviously I'm so pale.

I've never been outside.

I was one of the Adidas tracksuit.

Just walking,

coming out of the woods with my head down towards it.

I've got to figure out what face to make to let her know

I'm not here.

Which is a tough face to make.

I don't know if you've ever tried to make that face.

The best, the best. I came up with this is when I got closer.

I was like.

It was terrifying.

So for one on hikes,

I try to go to a public gym.

Going to the public gym is a fat guy, especially in New York.

It's a nightmare, dude.

It's just the hottest gay guys you've ever seen.

They're jacked and they look at me like, yeah, right.

Yeah, I know dude.

Also, I haven't been to the gym in so long,

I didn't know women just dress like whores. Now.

Look, I'm sorry, there's no other way to describe.

I said, have you seen it? I've seen the shorts.

Have you seen the shorts? Those neon.

They're like the only. They're like artificial colored.

The wrinkles, the wrinkles go, like, around the cheeks and all

combine at the butthole.

And don't look.

You're not allowed to look for real.

Don't look because they are filming. I'm.

I'm in the background of like ten TikToks right now.

Just.

Oh yeah. Equipment. I've been in the gym excited.

The equipment change.

It's all like kettlebells and rubber bands and ropes.

I'm not doing kettlebells fat publicly, just.

I'd rather die so I don't do that.

What's nice is in, in Texas, my, my my friend Joe Rogan has a,

private gym at his studio, which. That's nice.

I can work out there. No one's around.

He also has a sauna, which I'm good at, that I can sauna

with the best of them.

I got till the day I was in the sun.

I'm sitting there. I'm by myself. No one's around.

So I figure I'll get comfortable.

I take my shirt off.

I'm in my underwear about five minutes in.

There's knock on the glass door, the sauna. That scared me.

I thought I was alone.

I look over

and it was Stephen and Joe

and they open the door and Joe just goes, hey,

Theo said you looked like a gas station egg.

And then they closed the door. They left.

I don't even get to come back. I was like, yeah, whatever.

That was just me and that insult for ten more minutes,

just baking with that insult.

There's no music in there now.

I'm arguing with Theo Van in my head for ten minutes. I

you look like, some type of egg my cousin might have found,

like.

Shut up, you dumb hick.

The thing that

the thing that hurt the most was when he closed the glass door.

I saw my own reflection,

and I looked exactly like a gas station egg.

That's one of the meanest things anyone's told me.

You look like a wet, bagged, hard boiled egg

that's going to be in there for the rest of my life.

I'll be like an old folks home,

looking out the window like I'm not in the egg. Theo. Right.

All right. Lay down.

That's one of those insults that's just in there.

I'm sure you have those.

As soon as somebody says them to you,

you're like, that's in there for the rest of my life.

I've got a lot of those because,

I was raised by two older sisters.

Yeah.

Nasty.

The women are, like, the more psychological.

I was always jealous of the guys

with older brothers because the worse you got,

there was like, come here, queer. Yeah.

I had two big fat bitch sisters.

Psychologically, they both look like me with the wigs.

They never say the meanest things.

They'd be like, everyone knows you're

masturbating in the shower. I'd be like,

no, I thought I was getting away with it.

I wasn't

I was taking a big chunk out of the Herbal Essences

to see through bottle. They knew.

But my sisters did.

So my buddies laughing. So to shut up.

Very nice.

I love you anyway, my sister, she got me with one

that stuck with me for the rest of my life.

I was, I was, I was a little old for what I was doing.

I was in like sixth grade.

I was laying on the floor in front of TV, and,

she was in the recliner behind me,

probably cracking a pilsner with her trucker forearms,

but I was laying on the floor like a mermaid.

I'll never forget what she said.

She said, hey, get out of the way.

The TV bitch hits.

As a child. Bitch. Hips wet eggs.

It's tough,

I tell you.

The thing

that, I'm really bothered by is

I've bolted directly into an Adolf Hitler haircut,

and it's not good because I give a lot of speeches

and the front falls down a lot, and there's no way to adjust it

without looking exactly like you. So the only way I can.

I'm not going to do that. That's gay.

That's it. You're either gay or you're Hitler.

And isn't that where we're at as a country?

Hey, that was the monologue.

Ladies, gentlemen.

It's what it's all about.

Hey, we've got a great show for you tonight. Rosalia is here.

Here we go.

So, stick around and we'll be right back.

Cop talk.

To protect and serve. Up great conversation.

Hello and welcome to Cop Talk.

The only talk show made by cops for everyone,

because we want to show you that talking to

the police doesn't have to be stressful.

I'm officer Doyle Connolly, joined,

as always, by my partner, Officer Dan Carducci.

Dan, how was your weekend? You do anything fun?

No. Yeah. Good.

So our first guest is an author who wrote a book bringing in.

Oh. And I guess I'll write that down.

That's fun.

How are we doing tonight?

Great.

You know, I brought you out here.

To promote my book. That a question?

You seem a little nervous. You nervous about. Something?

No, no. I'm good. I'm not. Not nervous. You got somebody?

Yeah, I have my license.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Slowly. Sorry.

All right, we got here.

Lawrence Kornfeld, 83 Broadview Drive, Connecticut.

A correct yes, but please don't see my address on TV.

Yeah. You're not giving the orders here, jackass.

Okay, I know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, you're free to go.

And don't let me see you around here again.

I didn't talk about my book at all.

You're lucky I'm letting you off with a warning.

Get out of here. Okay. Thank you. Jesus. Okay.

Friggin dirtbag.

Dirtbag.

Okay, before our next guest, let's hear

a word from my sponsor. Hey, Doyle. Man.

Come on, brother,

AA doesn't work unless you come to the meetings, man.

I want to see you there. I'm not giving up on you.

Sobriety is a long road.

But the first step is coming to a meeting.

Yeah, thanks. I'll think about it.

Okay.

My next guest is a local artist.

Bring him in. Hi.

How are we doing tonight?

Very good. Sir. Officer. Sorry.

Stumbling on your words, you drunk?

Do a little partying tonight.

No, no, no, I don't I don't drink.

So you don't drink. Say you're high. What'd you take?

What? No, nothing. I swear.

Do me a favor and please step out of the chair.

Okay? I mean, I really didn't take anything.

Oh, my God, why is there a dog?

We got something in front left pocket. No, no, we got a hit.

It's just Altoids. It's mints, all right?

Yeah, yeah, we'll see what the lab says.

Tasing him? Yeah. What's up? Your night.

Oh. Yep. Let's take him out. Oh, big time scumbag.

Okay, my next guest is a comedian

who is performing at Maggie's Joke house this weekend.

Bring him in.

Actually. I'm good.

Have a good night.

Smart.

Okay. Our last guest is some broad from some TV show.

Bring her in.

Whoa!

Hi. Hey.

Hey, yourself.

Oh, my God. I was not walking out.

Sorry. I'm kind of drunk and, like, a little high.

I guess. Well, to have a good time.

Lee, I love your hat

It really? Yeah. You want to wear it? You.

Okay, that's the show. We're done.

You ever told a gun before? No.

Move back. I'm going to need you to step back, please.

I said. Move. Move!

♪♪

♪ AS I WATCH MY BABY GIRL

DANCING WITH HIM

I THINK ABOUT THAT LITTLE

KID FROM WAY BACK WHEN ♪

♪ LAUGHING AND PLAYING

UP IN HER ROOM

CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GIVING

HER AWAY SO SOON ♪

♪ I'LL GO HOME TONIGHT AND

I'LL STAND IN HER DOOR

HER CHILDHOOD ALL PACKED

UP IN BOXES ON THE FLOOR ♪

♪ MY LITTLE GIRL IS LEAVING

AND ALL I CAN DO ♪

♪ IS THINK OF ALL

THE COOL [ BLEEP ]

I CAN PUT IN HER ROOM ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ IT'S MY ROOM NOW

MY WIFE SAID IT'S MINE ♪

♪ I CAN PUT ALL MY STUFF

IN HERE AND SPEND

ALL MY TIME ♪

♪ A PINBALL MACHINE

A PACMAN MACHINE

TISSUES AND LOTION AND

A POPCORN MACHINE ♪

♪ A LIFE SIZE STORMTROOPER

A BOX SET OF HOUSE

I CAN FINALLY LEARN DRUMS

MY WIFE SAYS I'M ALLOWED ♪

♪ AS SHE DANCES WITH HIM

IN HER WEDDING GOWN ♪

♪ ALL I CAN THINK IS

IT'S MY ROOM NOW ♪

>> SUCH A NICE CEREMONY.

>> THANKS, I DIDN'T PAY FOR IT.

>> OH.

YOU'RE THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE

THOUGH, RIGHT?

>> YEAH, I SPENT ALL MY MONEY ON

STUFF.

♪ MY WIFE TAKES MY HAND

AND SHE GIVES ME A KISS

SHE SAYS DO YOU REMEMBER

BACK WHEN WE DID THIS ♪

♪ I LOOK OVER AT HER

AND I FLASH HER A GRIN

BECAUSE I JUST HAD ANOTHER

GREAT IDEA FOR MY ROOM ♪

♪ A COTTON CANDY MACHINE

A CUT OUT OF SHAQ

I'M IN HERE ALL DAY

AND I'M NEVER GOING BACK ♪

♪ MY WIFE HATES MY ROOM

WE'RE DRIFTING APART

SHE'S GOING TO LUNCH

WITH HER ZUMBA INSTRUCTOR ♪

♪ HIS NAME IS TAG

HE'S ACTUALLY PRETTY COOL

HE TOLD ME HE LIKES SOME

OF THE STUFF IN MY ROOM ♪

♪ I THANK GOD FOR

THE PARADISE

I'VE BUILT IN THIS HOUSE ♪

♪ I'LL BE HAPPY FOREVER

CUZ IT'S MY ROOM NOW ♪

♪ MY EYES FILL WITH TEARS

AS THEY'RE SAYING I DO ♪

♪ THINK ABOUT ALL THE

UPS AND DOWNS

THAT WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH ♪

♪ I'M LOSING THE BEST THING

THAT I EVER HAD ♪

♪ BECAUSE SHE'S RUNNING OFF

AND SHE'S MARRYING TAG ♪

♪ NOW I GET HER ROOM

NOW I'VE GOT TWO ROOMS

I KNOCK DOWN THE WALL

AND CALL IT MY SUPER ROOM ♪

♪ SUPER ROOM ROCKS

MY REAL LIFE STARTS NOW

I WEAR MY WIFE'S ROBE

AND PUT A GUN IN MY MOUTH ♪

♪ STOP, SAYS MS. PACMAN

THERE WAS MOLD

IN THAT WALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE BREATHING IT IN

AND NOW YOU'RE

TRIPPING BALLS ♪

♪ MY STUFF COMES ALIVE

BEST DAY OF MY LIFE ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'VE GOT

A SUPER ROOM

WHO NEEDS A WIFE ♪

♪ AS THE BLACK MOLD

CONSUMES ME

AND I FALL TO THE GROUND ♪

♪ I SMILE AND I THINK

TO MYSELF

ARE WE REALLY DOING THIS

IT'S MY ROOM NOW ♪

>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

YOU KNOCKED DOWN A WALL?

WE WERE LOADING THE MOVING TRUCK

FOR 15 MINUTES.

>> UH --

>> EVERYTHING OKAY?

>> WHAT THE HELL IS TAG DOING

HERE?

>> TAG WAS HELPING.

GOD, YOU'RE PATHETIC!

Do you like.

Green eggs. And ham?

I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them.

Sam, I, would you like them here or there?

I would not like them here or there.

I would not like them anywhere.

Would you like them in a house?

Would you like them with a mouse?

I do not like them in a house. I do not like them with a mouse.

Would you like them in a box? Would you eat them with a fox?

Hey, the hell's wrong with you?

My dad said he doesn't like green eggs and ham.

Drop it. Walk away.

But he may like green eggs and ham.

Bro, it's a nonstarter, he told me.

He said he doesn█t jeez like them.

Whoa, whoa.

He said I do not like green eggs and ham.

Well, he may like them. He will see.

He may like them in a tree. What's the end. Game with this?

What do you want him to eat that so bad?

Some kind of money thing?

It's my dad's older.

He gets confused sometimes, so I don't

appreciate you being in his house.

Ask him a million questions.

Trying to get him to eat rotten food.

He doesn't like to take you out.

Would you?

Could you? In a car?

I would not, could not in a car. Hey.

Look, my dad just say, all right?

You ask my dad about your rotten breakfast

one more time and hit you so hard.

Your name is going to be Sam.

I was when he hits you. So are you going to die?

Zachary, stop! I can handle this.

No you can't.

Dad, this is going to be like

the Indian scammer thing all over again.

You remember that

when you bought $9,000 worth of target gift cards

and sent them to a house in Mumbai?

I can take care of myself.

Oh, so you're totally fine. So you didn't

almost accidentally hit Cindy Lou with your car?

You didn't think a coyote was our dead

dog from 30 years ago and let him in the house?

You did that, dad.

So I put my career on hold to come help you.

Oh, right. Your career.

Right? Okay, here's where you tell me.

My job at James. Jonathan isn't good enough.

Don't change the name to make it sound fancier.

You work at Jimmy John's sandwiches, not James. Jonathan.

Zach.

I'm going to go, but,

I had a lot of fun last night.

Are you going to criticize my love with.

Okay? Yeah.

I see you brought another world class beauty home from the bar.

Okay. Dad, mom left you for the Lorax. Okay.

Have you seen the Lorax?

He's two feet tall, and his whole face is a mustache.

And right now, that dirty hippies railing your wife.

If it's a bad. Time, I did not know.

If you want, I can totally go.

No, Zack, he's the one who is going.

I want you out of this house.

You're a loser. And you said a bad word.

Yes, I did.

Now get out of here.

Get out of my house and take your degenerate friend

who's always over here with you. The cat's not a degenerate.

He's just having a tough time right now. Whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, I need beer. We're out of beer, man. Get out!

Are you there? You don't hear here. Hey,

he's a menace.

Real classy. Frank, you got there.

You know what? That. Go ahead. Eat that garbage.

See how that works out for you? Oh, I will, son. I will.

Say I like green eggs and ham.

Of this, I am sure. Tell me, Sam-i-am.

Can you get me some more? I get you more. Yes.

I am happy to comply.

Just send five brand Walmart gift

cards to my friend in Mumbai. Yeah.

I told you he was a scammer, dad. Fine.

You're right, you're right son. You're right.

Sorry about earlier.

You're watching History at nine.

It's the devil's dude, Hitler's hidden husband.

But now it's innovation nation.

The products that shaped America.

Well, he's got the board of directors

here on a Friday night. Feel more?

This better be good. It is.

Gentlemen, our designers here at Fillmore

Footwear have created a new type of shoe.

A new type of shoe. He says

shoes are made of leather and have loud wooden soles.

That's the only kind of shoe.

You're right.

Shoes are leather. You know, the loud.

Until now.

This, my friends, is the future.

A canvas shoe with a rubber sole.

The lighter, more flexible. Worlds more comfortable.

Jenkins, if you'll demonstrate.

Oh, look at this.

Oh, wow. Oh, my God, look at Jenkins.

Come on. Look out for Jenkins.

The boy didn't slip at all and did not.

The perfect for running, sporting,

or even a casual stroll and sneaking.

It's all right.

Sneaky. These are perfect for that.

God damn, you crazy son of a bitch!

You really did it. A shoe for sneaking a sneaker.

Well done, sir. This is very smart, I love this.

All right, well, they're not for sneaking.

But they are, because you see what these gentlemen

shall never hear? You.

And she'll never catch you thanks to sneakers.

Nope nope nope nope nope.

We're not not calling them sneakers. Okay, so creepy name.

We're thinking run. Well said.

It's actually not bad.

Not bad.

Gentlemen, under your seats, you'll each

find a pair of run wheels. Take them for a spin.

Wow, wow. Oh, my God, I would like, feel more of.

These are cherry fresh slick.

The grip is aces. Loads more snug than my Malloy.

Like a bounce. So why?

And. I'll tell you what.

They're pretty stylish.

They could probably even help my tennis game.

She'd never hear me.

Well, I think you're on to something big here.

Film on? Yes. Well, we feel the same.

I don't. See? They work. Hey.

Thank you.

You're going to save me a lot of trouble with these.

What?

You fellows, you know how it is.

You come home late clop, clop clop. And your wife wakes up.

You work with her again. Where are you?

Oh, baby. How can I be with her? She died.

You were there when it happened.

It was only an accident.

Oh, we meant to scare baa baa baa.

The night is ruined.

But now the murderous cow stays asleep.

Thank you. Sneakers.

Did your wife kill your mistress?

So what's the marketing plan for these guys?

Well, we'd like to lean into the multi-purpose aspect.

Run wells for whatever the day demands back.

How about sneakers? She'll never hear you.

No, no, no, they're made for running.

Or maybe they're not.

After all, I can run in any shoe,

but I can only sneak in these.

Exactly.

It's an untapped market, and we'd have it all to ourselves.

And my mistress would still be alive.

And so would mine.

You too.

Well, Filmore.

I admit, at first I didn't like the idea of a shoe for creeps,

but I'm in

fine sneakers.

It is now for the not fun part.

Changing the world isn't cheap,

so I'll need a sizable investment from all of you.

Wow, they really do work.

Oh, no critical error. Oh.

Looks like someone needs new

heating and air conditioning system.

That can be scary.

Most companies have high fees,

hidden cost, and a lack of transparency.

Not us.

And upfront heating and air conditioning

will tell you from the beginning.

This whole process is going to be a nightmare.

First, one of our salesmen will come diagnose your problem.

He's going to be nice. He's cool.

The kind of guy you don't mind having in your house

and you'll never see him again.

Instead, 4 to 5 of the weirdest guys

you've ever seen in your life show up.

They'll spend the next three days in your house

making a mess, desperately trying to figure out

what the hell is going on with your AC unit.

The you.

When you walk by,

at least one of our employees will have a horrific injury

that will have been bandaged up

by another employee that has seen much worse.

Equip based on about toe toes. But I also got a foot fetish.

Ain't Tony got a foot fetish?

He does.

It's one of the better fetishes our guys have.

Have kids in the home.

I hope not,

because that means most of our guys can't be there that day.

Why? And if you got windows,

these guys are going to look at them. Oh. Jesus. Right at you.

Oh. He found you.

And that's not all.

These guys are going to openly smoke

cigarets around you and your family.

Hey, little do stay away from these.

Because you get too many girls.

One guy will have one of those shirts

that doesn't cover his whole belly,

and he's going to have a lot of belly hair.

Or is it pubic hair? No one knows.

And of course, one of our worker's

girlfriends will show up and they will get into a long,

loud domestic dispute out front of your house.

Oh, anything. Who is just a friend?

Just a friend. You're being crazy.

Craig, Oregon. 000.

Hey. If you need any help,

you can call our office and talk to Haley Haley's job.

From what I can tell, is flirting

with guys wearing Unlaced Timberlands.

So what do you want? Let me take you out to dinner.

For real?

Star. What? Whoa. Haley married one of the owners years ago.

Back then, he was doing all right.

He played college football. Things were looking good,

and he hurt his knee.

Now he spends 30 minutes in his car

after work,

wondering how he can get from the front door to a beer

without having to answer a question.

It's whatever

it up front.

Hey, what is taking you guys so long?

Oh I'm sorry, do you want to fix it?

Coming out here talking in khakis and Flip-Flops.

Tell you what, tough guy, you can tell me what this is.

I'll do the whole job for free of pump. Wrong.

Now get out of my shot.

It was a pump, but he didn't know that.

Now let's hear some testimonials.

Yeah, I'll talk about it.

I mean, first they showed up and they.

That we showed up. Shut up man,

when it comes time for payment,

we do not accept check, credit card or cash.

You have to Venmo us and say it's for pizza.

The big Hvac companies don't do this kind of stuff.

But you didn't read our reviews,

and that's your problem up front.

Heating and air conditioning.

We'll save you money, but it'll cost. You.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

ROSALIA.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ SINGING IN SPANISH ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ SINGING IN SPANISH ]

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It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Unfortunately we have to start tonight with a tragic

developing story involving President Trump.

No, not that it's a president.

Trump has sadly not won the Nobel Peace Prize.

I know, I know, but don't worry.

I think he's taking it all in stride.

The no.

Give it up today to a person who works.

At the United Nations.

He's genuinely angry that he didn't win the peace prize.

Trump kidnaped Venezuela's president.

Then he did so much war that were running out of missiles,

and he still thought, this is my year.

It's truly like if I thought I might win

an Oscar for Tom and Jerry.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now every play who learned she won the Nobel Peace Prize

at a conference in Germany,

joked with the crowd that if they clap a little more,

she may share this prize with Trump,

which is a harmless little joke that might make Trump bomb

whatever country he thinks she's from.

The Pentagon announced that the execution of the Fort

Hood shooter would be live streamed,

which will be the first public execution in the U.S. since.

I want to say, a couple of weeks ago.

I ruined the fun.

Ice agents will reportedly start using shock gloves,

which do not leave marks and cause incredible pain.

Hopefully to an agent

who forgets to take them off at the urinal.

Oh. Oh.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is being criticized

for a new Department of War logo.

It features an angular eagle

similar to the one used by the Nazis.

Hank Smith asked how upset people were about it.

On a scale of here to here.

You know, do you fit, guys?

You finally got one on doc.

Hank.

Seth also met

with a crew of the USS Abraham Lincoln,

which had been at sea for a record 322 days

and is now docked next to oh no, the USS John Wilkes Booth.

What are the odds.

During the Michigan Senate debate?

Mike Rogers claimed that Abdul El-Sayed is

being bought off by Al-Qaeda.

And that's what I can't stand about al Qaeda.

The bribery.

President Trump says the U.S.

does not think the death of a Russian laboratory worker

from a suspected case of plague is a result of a bioweapon.

But Trump also stressed that it's important

to understand that he didn't really look into it,

and he doesn't care what happens.

House speaker Mike Johnson

joked this week that if Republicans

lose the House, he may go home to Louisiana

and start a lawn business.

Of course, in Louisiana, lawn business is just what you do.

When the toilet done broke.

And people

suffer. The world.

The world's superpowers, including the U.S.,

Russia and China, are now racing to be the first country

to put a nuclear reactor on the moon.

Y'all are the three craziest bitches on this planet in hell.

I mean, it's like if Jen Shah,

Kelly Dodd

and Tamra Judge were competing

to put a nuclear reactor on the moon, am I right?

I mean, I'm genuinely asking.

I don't know who any of those women are.

FBI Director Kash Patel announced that he is engaged

in a staring contest with the tip of his nose.

According to a new poll, 75%

of Americans would oppose an AI data center

being built near them, making it

one of the country's most unifying issues.

Here to comment is the man who proposed

building the world's largest data center in Utah.

Shark Tank's Mr.

Wonderful Kevin O'Leary.

Thank you. Colin, it's a pleasure.

Thanks for having me.

Thank you for being here. So what happened, Mr. Wonderful?

Protesters in Utah are forcing you to downsize your project.

I'm glad you asked, Colin. And it's very simple.

All I want is to buy up 40,000 acres

of God's untouched splendor and replace it

with a very loud computer that steals your job.

Is it going to take up precious water? Absolutely.

Is it going to provide a necessary service?

Who's to say?

But on the flip side, it's

going to make me a tremendous amount of money.

And I think that's great,

right.

For most Americans don't want data centers near them.

And I agree with them completely.

You do. Of course.

Calling

these things are terrible and shouldn't be anywhere.

That's why I'm building one in Utah.

And and this is actually very simple.

I'm going to show you on this map.

All right.

See, this is Stratus, my data center

with the most evil name of all time.

And sure, it looks big. The noise and water pollution.

That's only going to affect this area.

Colin, you have to understand, I don't live there.

Right where? Like other people do. Live there.

You're missing the point.

That's not real to me, okay?

Those people's lives, those are Sims. All right?

Look, I'm a numbers guy, okay?

When I missed out on investing in Scrub Daddy,

I learned a very valuable lesson,

which is I'm going to destroy the world.

All right.

That sounds pretty extreme.

Well, that's because you're poor.

Actually I'm not.

My wife gives me lots of spending money.

Okay, so it's not.

It's not. It's not nice.

And aren't you being sued for defamation in Utah?

Look.

Yes, I made the mildly inflammatory claim

that every single person in Utah who opposes me

is a paid communist super agent from China.

Was I wrong? Perhaps.

But just because they're not doesn't mean they aren't.

What? Look, call it.

When I missed out on Bombas socks, I.

I could have gotten mad, but instead I made a decision.

I'm going to make the future go away.

And we're doing just that in Utah. Mr.. Wonderful, everyone.

For that reason, I know that can have.

Tuesday is national.

No broad day, but

but last year it was on a Monday,

so I guess it kind of bounces around.

A group of scientists are studying

whether newborn babies possess consciousness.

If not, we can eat them.

According to new data, the price of the American dream,

which means owning a home, raising two kids,

and sending them to college has risen to over $5 million,

making it harder and harder for men

to start that secret second family.

It's rough.

A Florida TikTok creator who has a full face tattoo

and calls himself a demonologist was arrested

for allegedly revealing women's private information online.

Man, it's always the ones you least expect.

Actress Holly Berry is denying accusations

that she choked her teenage son. Despicable.

I wish Holly Berry would try to choke somebody her own size.

I got close.

They want to see you.

Monday is Indigenous Peoples Day in Columbus Day,

which is like if Easter was also National Nail's Day.

Oh my God.

An Ohio man has been sent to prison for texting a picture

of erect penis to a state senator.

And I'm not going to show it to you,

but let's just say Shrek might be part donkey.

The two oldest man alive who turned 114

and 113 years old, share the exact same birthday.

And they shared a little high five, killing them both.

That got dark at the end.

Well, fall has officially arrived.

It's very exciting. Here to share her tips for some fall.

Family fun is a mother whose baby sitter canceled.

Oh, I call it a happy fall.

Happy fall. Thanks for being here.

Both of you. Oh, yes. Where are my manners?

This is my daughter, Coco.

She's my little buddy tonight because someone just, wasn't

getting along with the sitter, so I broke another one.

Yes. Yes you did.

Coco, you want to say hello to Colin?

Hello to Colin.

Great.

So I am here to talk fun fall activities for the family.

First up is one of my favorites. Pressing leaves into a book.

Coco and I love this one.

Mommy picks the book and Coco goes

and fetches a beautiful orange and red leaf from the yard.

I fell into a pile of leaves

and no one knew where I was for a day.

No no no no no, it was not a day.

I found you pretty quick. So you follow me the next day.

No, wait, wait. No, no. Okay. It was not the next day.

You were gone from noon to night,

and you were gone 12 hours at most.

And then we pressed a leaf into a book.

Well, I didn't have dinner yet. You.

Well, you did have dinner.

You had pizza, so. Well, I didn't like it.

Why do you. Well, you eat it.

It's not good if you don't like it, better.

If you don't like it.

It doesn't matter. If you don't like it.

It's still dinner. Doing it because you ate it all.

And that's dinner because you ate it.

And that's it. That's a dinner guest.

I love you.

What did you say, Colin?

Nothing. Nothing. For a while, I,

wondered, why don't you give us another full tip?

Oh, I would love to.

One of the things Coco and I love to do together

is make these gorgeous dried apple dolls.

And, fun fact, we got the apples

just this weekend at a beautiful local apple orchard.

My mom kissed a farmer. No, no.

Coco. No.

I got stuck in the corn maze

for three hours so she could kiss a farmer.

Okay, no, no no, no, you got lost in the corn maze.

And I was helped by a farmer who you kissed for a second.

I kissed him for a second because

I was scared that I couldn't find you.

You weren't scared when you kissed him by the car.

Okay, okay. Okay, okay.

You are lost on the details of this story, Coco.

I mean, you don't know, and it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter because I found you

and we had a great fall day, and we made apple dolls

and here it is.

And you're my best friend.

Colin, say it again for me.

I have said nothing.

Great for my next funky fall tip. The farmer.

My dad now. No, Coco, the farmer's not your dad now.

Okay, then who is Coco?

Coco bean, you are not doing this right now.

Can I have another clue?

No. I've given you three clues. You've enough clues.

I'm sorry.

What are the clues?

Over 50 on TV, openly and proudly gay. Okay.

Well, I mean, now I definitely want to know.

Well,

I want to know how cool everyone thinks

it is to serve soup in a pumpkin.

Is it Sean Hayes?

That's what I said. Go, go, go shopping.

I'm a mother whose babysitter canceled everyone.

Nathan Lane for weekend Update.

I'm Colin Jost and Michael Che. Goodnight.

Hi. I love you, Freddy.

You've always been my special boy. Thank you. Mom.

I love you so much.

Let's get some rest. You.

Nurse.

Be honest with me.

How long do you think she has left?

You never truly know.

But given her condition, I'd say it's a matter of days.

I'd advise you to stick around this weekend

if you want to be there for her final moments. Oh, God. No.

This can't be happening.

I'm sorry, Mr. Davis. Losing a loved one is never easy.

You sure can't make it a few more days.

Just because

this weekend.

I have tickets to see JellyRoll at the sphere.

I'm sorry.

Just like schedule wise, I'm just trying to work it all out,

you know? So. Is there any way we could push this to Monday?

I can't push it.

It's going to happen when it happens. Totally.

I'm sorry.

I think I'm just having a hard time processing all this.

You see, my mom and I were very close.

And also, I heard Teddy swims might be there.

What of.

Teddy swims? He might be opening for jelly at the sphere.

Yeah, I don't know who that is. Okay.

You don't know who Teddy swims is,

and I'm supposed to let you kill my mom?

I'm not killing your mom.

I'm a hospice nurse.

Look, I know it's hard, but you're going to have

to make this decision yourself.

I'll give you some time to think.

I'm not.

Hey, Fred.

It's me. Jelly roll. Jelly. Oh my God.

Hey, listen, man, I heard about what you're going through, man.

I know it's hard, Fred, but

some things in life are just more important.

So I should stay here with my mom.

Heck no. Dummy.

I'm saying, come see me this weekend at the sphere

with Teddy Swims.

Hell, man.

Maybe I'll invite you on stage with me and we'll find out.

You have the voice of an angel. I already know that. I do.

Damn right you do.

The point is, Fred, you can't miss this.

Jelly on, brother, jelly on.

I know what I must do.

Gotta go to the concert.

Mel, leave her here with you at the hospital.

Hospice is not short for hospice. All.

Okay.

Mr. Davis, your mother is dying. I urge you to reconsider.

Fine.

Give me a moment to think.

Man, it's a hard one, Fred.

You know, when I was in prison, there was one person

I always turn to for advice. Who? Jesus. What

was good for it?

I'll give you my complete and total approval

to pull up to the sphere. To see my boy jelly roll.

Oh, we'll be turning water into Bud Light.

Marina. Let's go. Yes.

Thank you. Jesus! You made it.

I don't need to be here with my mom. Oh. Relax, man.

You'll be reunited with her in two weeks. Anyways.

Wait, what? Don't worry about it.

What does that mean?

Don't worry about. It.

Don't worry about it. About that.

Hey, besides, at my concert, you'll even meet a special

somebody sitting in the seat right next to you. Oh.

Hi, Fred.

Fresh off for divorce.

I love Jelly Roll, and I'm looking for a man

to roll this jelly on me.

Oh, my God, she's perfect. Oh, and wait, Fred,

there's someone else here to see you, too.

I'm Freddy.

It's your mom.

I just came here to say that

I died a while ago and nobody noticed.

Oh my God. What?

Oh, no.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Davis. Wow. You did kill my mom.

No, I didn't.

If you'll excuse me, I just need a second to think.

I'm going to miss you so much, Freddy.

These next two weeks without you are going to be so tough.

Wait. Why do people keep saying that?

It's going to happen in two weeks.

I'm not canceling my submersible experience.

Don't worry about it.

All I want is for you to be happy.

Be kind and see JellyRoll live at the sphere.

This weekend with. Daddy. Swim lover.

Oh come on.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, ROSALIA.

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All right, folks, welcome to the Clayton

Middle School chess semifinals.

This is a game of concentration.

So please check your volume.

Opening move E4.

Oh, nice. And I will be moving my pawn to c5.

Excellent openings, gentlemen.

Woo! That's my baby! Develop those pieces.

Get that horse involved.

Get the queen on Castle. His ass.

Are those your parents?

I don't think so.

That's my son in the white.

I gave birth to you right there in the TJ Maxx.

What's your name again?

T.J. go, T.J..

That's. That's my boy. Go!

Chett. That's enough.

Horn. God, you've got no class.

I got no class.

Oh, you're lucky I even let you come to this chat.

It's not even your wake.

Oh, he's my son, too. Oh, well, I know he's your son.

You gave him them knock knees and inverted nipples.

Keep my nipples out of your mouth, woman.

And let's just remember where we are

and what we're doing.

I won't be moving b4 as in before you learn

that about my body.

And I take your queen. Oh, come on, hit him back, son.

Where are you? Ready to play? Was dirty.

Almost as dirty as that scrawny little girlfriend you got.

Tell me, how did you go from eating this whole piece?

Ten bucket of goodness to sucking on a bone every night.

So I am right here.

Oh, I see you.

And your breath smells like a book.

Okay, Knight takes your rook.

Booyah! That's our baby.

Sure is.

I gotta hand it to you. You got your brains

and your legs.

Oh, what, you mean these?

Don't you dare.

Remember this?

Remember this

takes me right back to high school.

Me and my skimpy little uniform at the big game.

Remember this?

Remember that?

Oh, I remember

you were the pitcher of the softball team.

Everyone kept telling you

to put your leg down and throw the ball.

Nothing made you crazier than watching me

do my pitching grunt.

Do it for me. Ha ha.

Oh, there it is.

Oh. That's right.

Then I showed up to your house after the big game

and nothing but my plate

and a foam finger.

Hey, here's a question.

Should I go? Sure. Whatever.

And then we went back to the ball pit at Mickey D's

and did what all lovers do.

By the time we left,

the only balls that were left were the ones on your body. Oh,

Okey dokey.

I'm just going to boop this here and move that in a loop.

T.J. Fleming is the winner.

No, ma'am. You don't need to come up here.

You were my knight.

Jumping over the board to get where you needed to go.

You were the queen and move. Connection.

And you were the king. Barely moving at all.

But when I did, it made the board shake.

Check

And mate

♪♪

>> MY THANKS TO ROSALIA.

AND SORRY ABOUT EARLIER.

THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

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