Original subtitles

When will I find my queen?

When will I find the one who is strong enough to accept my eternal gift?

Mistress, it is time.

We must move swiftly.

Like the vampire bats over the Transylvanian Alps, we must fly.

Like the wild caribou stampeding over the snows of the Kilimanjaro, we must

run. like sands through the hourglass.

These are the... Yes, yes, yes!

I understand. I get it.

We must move on.

to the success of the greatest venture of the millennium, the new and truly

unseekable Titanic.

And now a toast to the important people, to Mr. Blatant,

without whose money and, well, whose money the world's greatest ship would

not have been built.

Yes, yes, good show, sir.

Damn right. Only landlubber with barnacles big enough to do it.

And, of course, Mr.

Smythe, whose genius and steady hand designed and built her.

So, gentlemen, are we ready to sail from New York to England?

Yes.

Smythe, why aren't you happy and cheerful and kissing my ass like

everybody else? Why? Why?

It's just that a couple things are bothering me. What on earth could be

bothering you? And don't give me any of that tortured artist crap. What is it?

What? What?

Yes, son. Out with it.

It has to do with some of the corners we cut in order to make room for the

unforeseen extras.

Which unforeseen extras? Which, which, which, which?

Well, the solid gold steering wheel, for one.

Why not?

Why shouldn't I have a little something extra?

This is my last voyage.

After this, I'm retarded.

Well, due to that enormous and, quite frankly, grossly unjustified expense,

having a solid gold steering wheel...

I was forced to make a few questionable changes in the construction of the

Titanic. Oh, no. Not the lifeboats. You didn't cut down on the lifeboats, did

you? No, no, no. Nothing so insidiously moronic as that.

Well, what then?

I was forced to finish portions of the ship's hull with aluminum.

It was the only material available.

Well, what the hell is wrong with aluminum? It's a good, solid, flexible

metal. Certainly a lot better than, let's say, plexiglass. Plexiglass is not

a metal. Shut up, worm. Yes, sir. Quiet.

There is one other minor problem.

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

Well, I know you wanted to bring your automobile along.

I will bring my automobile along. I've had that car with me everywhere I've

gone since high school.

But with the ship being booked to capacity, I'm sorry, it can't

accommodate the extra weight.

The weight of the 14 lifeboats is equivalent to the weight of your car.

Hmm.

Lose them. Lose the 14 lifeboats. What?

The car stays.

The boats go.

But, sir... Don't butt me. I butt you. I'm the butter. You're the butty. I'm

the man who butts. I'm the man and I say the boats go. And now it's time for this

boot-licking dog boy to empty my colostomy bag.

Unless, of course, we have to leave that behind because it carries too much

weight.

and his piss bag, would ya? Come on, Chang, let's go. Come on, come on, come

on!

Ugh, my tiptoe for another.

Sit!

Shari?

Shari? You forgot my bag, didn't ya?

The fuck?

Wow, Glitter.

Look, isn't that the most beautiful ship you've ever seen?

Yeah, it's fucking great.

Did you bring ameroid cream? My ass is killing me from that taxi ride.

Honey, we're going to go on the most beautiful vacation. All you can think

about is your ass.

Well, what? You want me to think about your ass? Well, I do from time to time,

my love. But this time, it's the one of them. Just bring it. My ass is killing

me here.

Yeah, it's next to the toothpaste.

Look, I'm walking funny here.

Well, would you look at her?

We're gonna sail off on this puppy in not a moment too soon.

If we don't sink her.

What did you say?

Oh, well, it's just that, you know, with all of your luggage.

Do I detect a hint of snootiness?

Snootiness?

Merely disdain and contempt.

Unseaworthy scowl.

Did you just call me a cow?

Madam!

I would never presume to be so injurious to our four-legged friends of the cud

-chewing persuasion by making such a comparison.

You know what, Mr.

Man?

I like you.

You got cojones.

Not for long.

You're the kind of man that'll say whatever's on his mind.

I like that.

Then you'll love this. Would you kindly back up as your horrific breath is

beginning to melt my eyeballs?

That's right, buddy.

Hang the rich.

Well, I'd be pissed, too, if I hadn't won the lotto and had to carry around

some old stinking filthy rich bastard's bags.

That's terrific, madam. Now, if you'll kindly find reverse and recede before my

hair does.

Each one more disgusting than the last.

I swear to Christ, I'd rather be heading out to sea with animals.

At least with them you can hide the sausage without all the goddamn fuss.

Captain, Captain, you.

Beiner, I thought I told you to stay below.

I'll ring your bell good for this.

Oh, won't you?

I'm so lonely and bored.

What about all those magazines and music that I left here? Now stow yourself.

Go on.

I won't. I won't, I won't. I won't be hidden away.

I won't leave you alone till you make me your wife.

The sea is the only wife I'll ever know.

Now get below before I send you to Davy Jones' locker.

A nice, stinky locker would be great about now.

Go on, go on, and don't pester me anymore.

Why don't you put on that red silk kimono that I bought you from Newark and

wait for me.

Below.

You poop.

All right. All right, son, step up. Don't be shy. Come on, you're next.

You're next. What have you got in the bag?

Painting supplies.

I'm documenting this voyage on canvas for my personal memoir.

Oh, that's sweet.

Hey, at least I know if we run out of booze whose door I'm going to come

sniffing around, huh?

Sniffing around, you get it? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Sniffing paints the joke. Acryla, come on. Next, next.

We're next, my good man.

Hey, you give me about 10 minutes, I'll show you how good a man I am, huh?

Lovely.

Oh, there are lovely people on this ship. I just love lovely people.

Now, hold on. What's in the bags?

Pieces of the last good man the madam had, plus enough clothing to cover every

man, woman, and animal ever breastfed by your mama.

Is that right?

Yes. All right. Moving on. Moving on. Good man. Good man. Nice to see you,

Dad.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, Humpty and Dumpty, where are you going? You can't bring a coffin. There's

no dead guys on this boat. Hey, pal, there's no dead guys. All right, all

right. Everybody's on.

Everybody's on. Come on, sir. You're next. Come on, sir.

The one with no chin. Come on, move it on. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Here

we go.

You know, I don't know about this aluminum hull. Do you think she'll go

down on us?

That would, uh, suck.

Oh.

Thank you. I could use a good stiff one.

Certainly.

Right after this drink.

Hey, what's with this piece of shit then?

Oh, Mr.

Blatton's prized car, right?

He doesn't go anywhere without it.

God, it's this piece of shit.

It's like a good luck charm or something.

Come on, quit diddling, darling. You and I gotta throw out some lifeboats.

Here, why did we have to paint these walls all white? They're just gonna get

filthy dirty.

What's it to you?

I don't know.

Come on, quit diddlin', darling.

You and I have to throw out some lifeboats.

Ay, ay, ay, ay. Earth to wanker. Earth to wanker. Come on, come on, come on. I

can't move these boats all by myself. All right, come on. You know my problem.

Captain on the bridge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How's she faring?

She fares well, sir.

All systems are ready. All personnel are standing by.

Good, good.

Sailor, what have you got in your hands?

Where's the wheel, my solid gold steering wheel?

Well, sir, when I came up this morning, it was gone. So I had to rig up these

pliers to steer it with. And it works pretty good.

Damn you and your pliers!

Where's my wheel?

Sir, it was solid gold.

And this is New York.

Sir, I've just received word that all passengers are on board and all hands

are ready to shove off. You really shouldn't worry. It works pretty good.

It's only a wheel.

Sir?

Check it out.

Willie has it under control.

Sir?

Sir?

Shut up.

Shutting up.

Shove off.

Shoving off.

Piss off.

Pissing off.

Yes, you are.

Shut up, little man.

Shutting up.

Stop it.

Stopping that.

Cut it out.

Cutting it out?

Damn you, man. You will be silent or I shall slap you like a puppet.

I think this guy's not as crap. Then I'll slap you for making it hurt.

All systems are go, sir.

Engines ahead. One third, sir.

Engines ahead one-third. Let's get this ship of fools out of here.

Engines ahead one-third, mister.

Aye, aye, captain.

Engines ahead one-third.

Attention. Attention.

Stand by. Engine ahead one-third.

Yes, sir.

One-third speed ahead.

Yes Yes

By

the way, you have some vedicchio lettuce in your teeth

Get going, clown!

Go, go, go, go, go!

In position yellow, please stand by your post. All in the near, in position

yellow, stand by your post.

Well, here we go. Out to trace the reverse path the Titanic would have

taken had it not been such an expensive piece of crap and sunk.

Is that your hand on my buttocks? Yep. Very good then, Margaret. A toast.

A bagel. To success.

Two fingers up one nostril.

Cheers.

Taxi.

We're moving.

It works.

The aluminum hole! It works!

It works!

Only 4,000 more miles to go!

Mistress!

Vladimina!

Wake up! Wake up, you sleepyhead!

Come on!

Come on, little sunshine.

Wake up.

We are in the hall of the great ship.

Very good, Igor.

I'm hungry.

What to eat?

There are many beautiful women on board, mistress.

Shall I have Marim fetch one for you?

No, not yet.

There's plenty of time for that.

Just a light snack.

Something I can seduce and feed on easily.

Marim, go.

Wait a minute.

Who the hell is that?

Marim, you know anybody at 555-2748?

Go get the boss a snack.

Good boy.

Hey, babe.

You know, this trip is going to be really great.

I mean, now that you're off tour and all, we can just, like, you know, get

you back into good health.

You can be the same guy you always were.

You know? Are you listening to me?

Well, I'd be more willing to listen if I hadn't squirted toothpaste all over me

ambroids and it wasn't pulsating like strobe lights, wouldn't I?

I told you it was next to the toothpaste.

You should look before you squirt.

Anyway, first thing we're going to do... Baby, baby, baby, baby.

I'm trying to watch what's on pay-per-view here.

I'm planning on vacation.

Just give me a minute, all right? Let me watch this.

tonight on pay-per-view dinosaur valley

girls see natives dance see

dinosaurs see naked women

see more dinosaurs and

naked women

That's Dinosaur Valley Girls tonight on Pay-Per-View.

Honey,

that looks like a stupid movie.

We're not going to rent that, are we?

Hey, Toots.

Do you like girls?

Yeah. As a matter of fact, I was just about to go upstairs and grease down

your mom.

Come with me.

I show you pretty girls.

Uh... Okay.

This is a perk.

Nobody told Igor about the full Monty.

Baby, this is going to be some of the best humping, grinding, licking and

sticking of your life.

Oh, now she's gonna want me to boink her.

Hey, Tiger.

Oh please...

Wake up, sleeping beauty.

I got a surprise for you.

Come on, baby.

Baby, sleeping baby.

Come on, get up. Baby, I'm so tired. You promised.

Baby, I'm sleeping, baby. Come on, you promised. So tired, baby.

Come on. Baby.

Please. Baby, baby.

Please. Oh, all right. Please. We could.

Oh, baby.

Oh!

Oh, you're so good!

Thank you, baby. You're so good. You're so great.

You got another thing coming because we're going to take your tongues and

we're going to stick them right up your butts, okay? You hear that, everybody?

You hear that?

So there you have it.

What a great night.

A great night for suicide.

Take care. Whoa!

Have you ever felt like everything's just totally pointless? Like it's the

same day over and over.

It's not worth it anymore to be around here.

Of course.

That's what I do for a living.

I'm an artist.

I wallow in a world of self-depression.

I look deep into the innermost lonely moments of my soul, and I put it on

canvas and make millions of dollars. But enough about me.

Yeah, well, making millions isn't an option for me.

See?

No, look, look, look, look.

Do what you will.

But I've been on this deck all day long, looking for inspiration, looking out

into the golden horizon, trying to find something to move my soul.

Nothing did until I saw you.

Beautiful alone in distance.

I must paint you. I must paint you, please.

You really want to paint me?

I would consider it a great act of mercy if you would allow me to paint such a

beautiful creature as yourself.

You're a painter and you make a great living?

Of course.

How else could I afford to book passage on the world's mightiest ship if I

weren't so wildly successful?

Here's the other two grand.

Now that's ten grand altogether plus three grand for the bid. And if I don't

get it by next Tuesday, I'm gonna break your fucking knees.

Better yet, I'll break your fucking fingers.

Let's see you paint houses with broken fucking fingers.

So, how about if I change into a blue shirt and you and I go back to my cabin?

So, uh, where are your paintings?

Oh, uh, well, you know, I have a very catchy style and whatnot, and I don't

like being surrounded by my own, you know, work, because I feel it might, you

know, influence my future work.

And you're very beautiful, by the way.

Thank you.

So, uh, what's your specialty in painting?

Oh, I, I, I, I paint.

Nudes. I paint nudes. I paint nudes.

Oh, so maybe that's how you'll want to paint me then.

Let's get started.

Ready. Okay.

How's it going?

Good.

So, how's it going?

It's good.

Are you done yet?

I'm taking a look.

Come on, let me see it. Come on, let me see it.

Fine, go.

What the hell is that?

Look, I'm a painter, okay? But right now, I just paint houses.

But I'm going to France this summer, and I'm gonna become a very famous artist.

So what do you say? I get naked, you and I hit the sheets, done, boom.

In your dreams, asshole!

Nice.

She'll do just fine.

Delicious.

Oh, look at all these fucking people. Where are we supposed to sit around

here? I don't know.

Look, don't beat up that before I've had my three bloody Marys. Be like what?

Mr.

Glitter Bolin. Oh, my dear sir.

Oh, how are you?

What's your name then, Mary?

I'm Mr.

Bushsmell. The ship's cruise director.

And, you know, I just want to tell you what an extreme pleasure it is to have a

real live rock and roll star here on the Titanic.

Right. Hey, thanks. Yeah, right. Well, I owe this year for us to get a frigging

seat around here.

Well, there'll be no humping out here. We do that in the kitchen freezer.

That's just a joke.

Anywho, I'd be happy to get you a seat just as soon as I ask you one teensy

-weensy little question, okay?

Do you think you could maybe get up and do a song with the band, you know? It

would be a really, really great thing.

Oh, come on. Piss off, Mary, aye?

Oh, come on. It would be a great thing for you to do. All right, let me tell

you something, all right? I'm not bullshitting you, okay? I am not a

bullshit artist. If there's one thing I hate, it's bullshit.

Okay, you ask anyone around here. I do not bullshit anybody.

And that's why I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I tell you it would be

totally awesome.

Listen, isn't there someone else famous around here who could sing your friggin'

song for you?

Oh, there are lots of famous people here on the Titanic. Well, right over there,

that's the socialite Molly Black.

And I'm... Oh, okay. Over there, that's Sir Prince Leonardo of DiCaprio.

Oh, he's so skinny.

But, you know, none of those famous people sing, so why don't you just get

up there and sing us a little song? Aye, aye, aye.

Yeah, go on, sing a song.

I'm not a fucking singer, I'm a rock star. Oh, come on. One teeny tiny tune.

Well, uh...

Maybe I'd do it for some compensation.

Get me some compensation?

Compensation?

Do you mean that you want me to... do you?

Or something like that?

What the fuck is that? Not like that at all.

Well, if you don't want me to... do you, then what

do you want?

Just, you know, Give me the goods, man. Give me the goods.

Give you the goods?

Yeah, give me the goods.

Wait, is it me or are we still talking about me?

No, no, no, you're booze. Some drinks, some booze. Oh, booze. Booze. Well,

that's easy.

Drinks are free on the house for the rest of the cruise.

That's what I'm talking about. And the lady?

Oh, absolutely.

All right, now we're talking. So I'm going to start with three Bloody Marys,

and I'm going to have them up on fucking stage, aren't I?

It'll be our pleasure.

Oh, hey, hey.

Thank you so much. Right. Just get me drinks.

Robbie,

pull Mary's plug and dip it three times, then bring it up to the stage.

Excuse me, honey.

Oh, about last night. I just... Mary!

I haven't seen you in so long.

We have so much to catch up on. Can you excuse us?

Ménage à trois.

I love it.

Oh, wow. Glitter Bowling.

I love your album, Stubble Judge. I think it's great, really.

Yeah. Yeah.

Both at the Moons, my favorite. Soul and Ace.

Genius. Yeah.

Well, you ruggers know fairies gave boots a little piss

from a fairy yeah he came up to

me in the blue moonlight he said you

drink and smoke your life away you should

at least have a good therapist

I am so sorry. That guy is such a creep.

I didn't mean to put you through that. Anyway, thanks.

It's my pleasure really.

So, what's your name?

Oh, uh, Sherry O'Kerry.

Is that a real name? Sherry O'Kerry?

Well, actually I changed it.

It's Susie.

Susie Fifa Fifa.

I see. Well, I'm Vladimina, and it is a pleasure to meet you.

Well, it was really great to meet you. I gotta go.

Wait, I couldn't help but notice you the other night on the ship's deck.

You seemed very...

Very distraught, very sad.

Yeah, well, this trip hasn't exactly been the greatest.

Well, perhaps your luck is to change.

What do you mean?

Well, it seems we were both searching for something that escapes us.

Yeah?

Don't be worried.

I'm not going to force anything on you.

I just want to show you how we can help one another.

You weakling!

Well, Emma, this song is on the mind, baby.

Got a piece of paper that says you're my girl.

Putting you on my heart.

RUN!

I am a vampire, and like you, I too need a partner.

But every being I try to convert dies.

No one is strong enough for my gift.

No one has a spark needed to accept it and live in death.

That's really great. Why me?

When I look at you, I see a being who surely does possess a sensitivity and

strength needed to join you.

We can care for one another till the end of time.

Won't you join me, Susie?

Can we do that to men?

Sure.

Can I get back to you?

Sure.

Why don't I call your room later?

He might answer.

How about if I call you?

Well, I'm in the ship's hull and there's no phone there.

Why don't you page me? Do you have my pager?

Maureen, give her the number.

Sure. Do you have a pen and some paper?

No.

Excuse me, sir. Do you have a pen and some paper?

Sure. Here it is.

I'm on my 50-minute break.

about you.

Go away, you pest.

Go.

I have my pen and paper back.

No!

You have 4422.

It's 4421.

Thanks a lot. No problem.

pager work at sea it's an 800 number it works all over the world please consider

my offer it'll be great fun really oh i i will i just i need to get some

sleep it's been like a really weird day ah it was really nice meeting all of you

bye bye bye now she's a great

girl what a terrific set of jokes Man, did you get... Yeah,

well, bring that one with the pen.

Take him to my den.

Let me stick me, don't call me late for the RG, baby.

Let me stick me, don't wake me late for the RG.

It's wood time, sister!

Did you feel that?

I said to the kid, it's bigger than yours!

Bigger than yours!

Nice try, chum boy.

I'll lick you yet, you, you, you, two-bit, penny, anti

-lesbian vampire from purgatory.

And I'll... put an end to your evil and erotic and sensual and seductive ways,

which are quite fun to watch, but are pure, unadulterated evil nevertheless.

First of all, I'm not from purgatory.

I'm from Staten Island.

Secondly, no one has ever licked me before.

At least not that way.

Besides, would you really want to destroy, for all eternity,

someone who can do this?

And then...

Holy moly!

Oh, and I almost forgot this.

I've broken free from your seductive clutches, you scrumptious lesbian

vampire! You're going down!

Ouch!

What now?

This ship is going to sink like a rock!

I'm so bored waiting for that Captain Man of mine.

I'm going to give him a piece of my mind.

What the shit?

There's water everywhere!

You sure it ain't princess?

You pee sitting down or what?

Oh my god.

What am I gonna do?

Baby baby, I'm so glad I found you It's this vampire lesbian queen who's trying

to make me her undying companion.

I just... I don't know what to do.

Go get some booze. It's on the outside.

I gotta go play.

Rock and roll.

Rock and roll, baby.

Yeah, baby.

Captain, catch my love.

Oh, Captain.

Mr. Persington, get this deranged one out of here. Yes, sir.

Oh, Wade, listen, listen. You must listen to me.

Okay, I'll take it from here.

Beamer, I told you never to come here.

Yes, but the whole bottom of the ship is filled with water. The ship is sinking.

What the hell are you talking about?

Have you been using the vibrator in your ear again? I told you never to do that.

Excuse me, sir, but it's Mr.

Smythe. He says it's urgent.

Not now.

He says it's urgent. Something about a rip in the hull or something. I didn't

quite catch it all, but he's quite panicked.

Give me that.

Hello? Captain, this is Smythe. We have a serious problem.

I'm in the ship's hull.

We are taking on water. I repeat, we are taking on water.

I tried to call the boardroom to warn them, but nobody would pick up.

And Willie's down here too, and he's dead.

He's probably just drunk.

No, he's dead. I'm quite sure.

Kick him a couple of times. He'll come around.

It doesn't matter. Look, it's imperative that we begin an immediate evacuation of

the ship. We have an hour, and maybe even less, before we go down.

Are you sure?

Yes! No way to stop it. No!

Can you give me another hour?

No! Now get to it, you drunken two-sheets-to-the-wind-cell-stole fart!

What is it, sir?

The ship is sinking and we're all going to drown in an hour.

Don't panic!

What? Come back!

Show me how to use this radio so I can call for help!

Ah, screw them all.

Let them be drowned like rats.

Well, Bina, my love, looks like it's just you and me to the end of this line.

Oh, to hell with that. I'm getting out of here.

Bina, wait.

In spite of all the times that I've pushed you away from me, I'm asking you.

No, I'm begging you now.

please bena my love don't leave me captain captain my love i won't

leave you not to the bitter end oh that's a good girl thank you bena my

love thank you now take off your clothes captain drop your laundry we have an

hour you little devil

Oh No,

she's not here now, what do we do?

We'll have to split up. You two go that way, I'll go this way.

Miss you, alright?

I cannot leave my love.

I cannot leave my love. I cannot leave my love. I cannot go

back there and drown.

Couldn't eat another thing.

Well, what a horrible way to die.

Drowning at sea.

Horrible? I've never felt more alive than when I've been in the embrace of

the sea.

Oh, and of your plants, of course.

Oh, Captain, I have a confession to make. What is it?

I'm a man. My name is Ralph. Ah, ah, okay.

First, the wheel.

Then, the ship.

And now, Ralph.

Hey, Ralph.

Write yourself out. This is it.

Goodbye, my love.

Goodbye, my love.

Oh my god! What do we do now?

I've got to get you out of here.

We're going to have to swim for it. We better take our dresses off. It'll be

easier.

My dress already came off somehow.

Oh, don't you look good.

All right, take a deep breath.

Follow me.

um

I don't know.

with their natural flotation devices.

Now, will you shut up, you drunken excuse for a lifeboat?

Unless you want my paddle embedded in your breastplate, you'll finally move

the fuck out of my way.

Look at that pathetic soul.

You're not anything like these people.

Listen to the cries in the distance.

Thousands are going to drown, but...

You have a choice.

You're my chosen one.

We could be happy for eternity.

Won't you join me?

I can make you very happy.

What do I have to do?

Just relax on my back.

Hey, stop it.

Is that you, sorry?

Get off of here.

Get off.

Wow, isn't that lovely?

I'll get me some of that tonight, eh?

Marim, look!

The boss has finally found love.

We must go now to Staten Island to prepare the mistress's lair. We must go,

go like the rabid werewolves over the fog-scrouded moors of Hwanda.

Look at that.

I'll tell you something. I never had this kind of fun working for Doug.

Frankenstein come on big boy let's split

oh my I see things so differently I

feel like I'm flying oh we can fly you'll be able to do a lot of cool

things now just think no more hangovers no more bad hair days

oh wow no more bad hair days No more bad rock store boyfriends.

We're going to have so much fun.

These boots from a fairy, yeah He gave

them to me in the blue moonlight He said

you drink and smoke your life away You

should at least have a good pair of boots

We'll take these boots and wear them well

Put them on your feet of

course Cause if you wear them