Original subtitles

How ya doin'? It's me, Gina.

Yeah, I'm drivin'.

I'm not wearin' a seatbelt neither.

Blow me.

Before Pops became the fattest stool pigeon in history,

he was my hero.

If there was an award for Father of the Year,

Pop woulda got it.

Don Francesco says Hello.[loud bang]

[laughter]

GINA: Then this happens...

So, I look at the FBI guy and say...

You stinkin' Feds can blow me,

I ain't testifyin' against nobody!

Then the man from the Feds says...

But the mob is gonna kill you

and your whole family, Jimmy!

Ya with me so far, kid?

I get it! You're turnin' rat!

Just wait, there's more...

If you testify, we can give you immunity.

Do ya know what 'immunity' means?

Enough with the [beep] puppets!

[loud grunt]

Now, Pops is the puppet

and the Feds are the ones pullin' the strings.

This is the thanks I get for savin' all of your lives!

And if you don't think I'm better off dead

than livin' in Canada's icy butt crack,

fugget about it!

♪ Lemme tell you somethin'

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ A "made" wise guy and a capo with Gambini ♪

♪ But then he found out they'd be whackin' Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He took his boss, he threw him from nineteenth floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long till the mob all wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the feds ♪

♪ The feds said they'd help if they can use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it!

Oh! Fugget about it!

You clowns think ya can avoid me?

We have nap time together every day.

Now cough it up!

The new kid already took our money!

What are you little crap stains tryin' to pull?

Who's this 'new' kid?

Just give me another wedgie and let me go.

Another wedgie?

Who gave ya the first one?

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

[shouting]

[tense music]

Yeah, hide behind the skinniest statue on earth.

Dumbass.

[loud crash]

[cough]

[gasp]

I know this looks bad,

but for once I'm innocent.

[beeps]

I think the furnace is on the fritz!

What's ten degrees in American?

Dunno. Depends on the exchange rate.

"Apologies for the intrusion,

but I'm here to save the day!"

What's with the pantyhose?

It's a unitard!

I'm MapleMan!

MapleMan?

Canadian superhero?

Fighting minor infractions and belligerence everywhere?

Ya look unitarded, Captain Leaf.

[gasp]Theresa?

Why are you dressed up as Sapling Girl?

MapleMan's trusty sidekick?

Who's always getting him out of sticky situations?

I'm just wearing what they gave me for my job

as a booth babe at Regina ComicCon.

[gasp] Do you know what this means?

Of course not.

You'll be working with Bentley Withermoon,

the renowned actor who plays Terence Timber,

aka MapleMan!

That sounds like a lotta nerds.

I better bring my pepper-spray.

Theresa, you have to introduce me to him!

So much of my belief system

is based on the teachings of MapleMan!

Well, it's a hundred bucks for an autograph,

three hundred for a photo,

or a thousand to brush his hair.

I have to go sell my stamp collection.

And can I borrow your brush?

Gina, you've irreparably damaged school spirit

here at Celine Dion Elementary!

Don't worry, our hearts'll go on.

The only place that'll accept you now, my dear,

is Our Lady of Peace School for Wayward Girls!

Not the nuns! No! Anything but the nuns!

That's right.

Enjoy that juice while you still can!

The only snacks the nuns'll give you

are warm holy water and stale body of Christ!

Yummy!

[tense music]

[gasp]

Thank you for coming Mr. McDougal.

I came as soon as I got your call.

Ya got a real sultry phone voice.

I'm afraid Gina's in a great deal of trouble.

Your fancy skeleton statue nearly crushes her,

and she's the one in trouble?

You got a lotta nerve, professor.

Next thing ya know, she'll be blamin' you

for this hat I stole off that Special Ed kid.

Well, we talked her down to a one-day suspension.

Pretty good for your 'old man', huh?

Just wait'll I get my hands on that kid who framed me.

Knock out his teeth for me, will ya?

I missed Readin' Rainbow for this.

Five seconds and I'll be shaking hands

with a syndicated television legend...

Okay, that's it for today!

Maple Syrup Man will be back tomorrow...

for some reason.

[loud whisper] Theresa! Theresa!

Introduce me!

Er, Tabitha, I had some notes

regarding your Booth Babe-ing skills.

Shall we discuss them over a drink?

Sorry, I left my fake I.D. at home.

[chuckles] Don't worry.

No one asks for I.D...

in my hotel room.

Yeah, no, I'm really tired

from wincin' at people's breath all day.

Most girls in your position

would leap at the chance

to get a few tips from an industry veteran.

Sorry you were in the war, but thanks anyway.

See you tomorrow!

Theresa! You gotta introduce me to-

Buzz off nerd -

Oh, Petey!

I didn't recognize you in your pyjamas.

[screams]

GINA: Can I ask ya a question?

Shoot.You ever worry that-

I said "shoot"!

C'mon, it's your turn!

Oh, right.Ha!

Ya missed! What a loser.

Cheech, ya ever worry things

are slippin' outta your control?

Yeah, but I got special underpants for that.

It's this mystery kid at school.

He's hauntin' me -

and I don't even know what he looks like!

The Kid Without a Face...

How'm I supposed to sleep now?

Lemme tell ya, Francis Bacon once said-

no, wait, it was Kevin Bacon!

He said "knowledge is power".

Yeah, I should snoop around,

find out who this kid is.

Good idea, Cheech.

Oh, and if ya call me a loser again,

I'll slice your [beep] nuts off.

[grunt]

You're tough, but fair.

Get the file on the new kid

and check the teacher's lounge for snacks.

Not in that order.

What the hell's this?

In case ya gotta hack into the mainframe or some [beep].

Hey, why is my locker open?

What the hell is this?

It's a picture of the best summer of my life.

[gasp]Carmine!

I'm baaaack- OOF!

That's for getting me suspended.

Not that I care, but still.

And THAT'S for breakin' Celine Dion!

What was that for?

That's 'coz I missed ya.

I'm impressed.

Musta took a lotta determination to track us down.

Ya know, your Pop killin' my Pop and all.

It gets ya outta bed in the mornin'.

That and...

I wanted to see ya again.

Musclin' in on my marks was a nice touch.

And you're short.Shut up!

I grew one and a quarter inches since last summer.

I mean on the vig, ya chiselin' mook.

I got expenses.

Takin' a cab all the way from Brooklyn wasn't cheap.

The meter's still runnin'.

Ya wanna lift to your house?

What was I, born yesterday?

C'mon, I'm gonna find Cheech sooner or later.

Hopefully sooner.

These vendettas take a lot outta ya.

Well, good luck findin' him.

The guy's a phantom.

He lives in the shadows,

and moves as silent as a warm breeze.

[horn honks]

CHEECH: Hurry up Gina!

Cheech Falcone is getting bored!

Anyway Carmine,

I ain't gonna make gettin' to Cheech easy for ya.

I wouldn't want ya to.

Last time I had any real fun

was when you and me mixed it up at camp.

Ya mean when I kicked your ass?

How do ya know I didn't let you kick my ass?

And the gloves are off!

If you say so.

I left ya a juice-box and some crackers!

See ya soon!

GINA: You back-stabbin' son of a hoor!

Open this door right now

and I'll let ya keep SOME OF YOUR LIMBS!

Fruit punch?

Aw, ya remembered my favourite!

What's she doin' here?

Replacing someone who doesn't know how to play ball.

Oh, I know how. Just not with yours.

Sadly, Tabitha,

you lack the talent to portray

a convincing Sapling Girl.

Like it takes talent to have

a unitard jammed up your butt!

I'll have you know I majored in unitards

at Juliard!

C'mon, Petey, let's get away from

Doctor "Who Wants To Touch My Wiener?"

But I sold my stamp collection!

I told ya the furnace wouldn't "fix itself".

Now the toilet water's frozen.

I know. I been chippin' yellow ice all night

tryin' to get my cell phone out.

Cheech dropped a deuce

and it's just sittin' there, mocking me.

That's it. I'm callin' the repairman.

Is Cheech here?Nope.

Dammit!

Between you and me,

ya don't really like Cheech much do ya?

What're ya talkin' about? He's great.

I mean, he's alright. He means well.

Actually he doesn't.

But he's my uncle, whaddya want?

But if he wasn't around no more,

we'd be okay, right?

Maybe you would, but who the hell would I hang out with?

What, did ya kill him?

How'd ya do it? Me and Ma have a bet.

[sobbing]

Holy crap! I was kiddin' around.

Ya did kill him!

JESUS CHRIST, GINA!

I didn't touch him!

I haven't seen him since last night...

[sobbing]

It's all my fault!

Kid relax, I saw him an hour ago.

He went to them nerd Olympics with Theresa.

Why'd ya think he was dead?

I'll tell ya on the way. C'mon.

And I wasn't crying.

Whaddya mean ya can't get here for two days?

It's so cold, I can see Cheech's breath.

I thought ComiCon was gonna be

a comedy show for convicts!

Y'know, where every punchline is 'don't drop the soap'.

[laugh]

Ya'know who should be in prison?

Bentley Withermoon.

He almost was.

Three times, but he always got off.

It's ironic -- nothing sticks to Maple man.

Why are ya stickin' up for him? The guy's a pig.

He's not a pig!

He's the product of the forbidden love

between man and maple tree!

You just can't see the real him past your nerd boner.

By the way, you should wear a jock under that costume.

Man, I ain't seen so much butt crack

since we extorted the plumbers union.

Maybe there was something else you did wrong?

He fired me 'coz I wouldn't put out!

What?!Guy sounds like a creep.

No respect for the ladies.

Yo, space jugs!

Let's see if I can come in peace.

[doorbell]

Cookie, shame on you for even thinking

of calling a repairman when you have me!

A housewife alone.

A repair man.

This reminds me of a dirty movie I saw.

Does it? Strange.

Ah, there's nothing like using your hands

to bring back the heat!

Good thing I brought my big tool!

That was a line in the movie!

Did you ever appear in--

I don't know what you're referring to, Cookie.

I'm just here to perform

some sweaty, dirty work.

That's another line!

[gasp] You're The Randy Repairman!

Damn my gambling days.

I knew that video would come back to haunt me!

Sir, can I see your wristband?

[squeals]

How is this the first I'm hearin' about Gambini's kid?

What, I gotta tell ya every little thing?

Ya do when our lives are at stake!

What if he squealed on us to the mob?

Then we'd be havin' this conversation in Hell.

The day Cheech gets taken out by a six-year-old,

I'll eat my shirt.

Well, get ready to choke down some polyester,

'coz this kid's the real deal.

Got a little crush there, kid?

Yeah... I mean NO!

Shut up, dumbass!

Alright, to be continued.

Now let's find Cheech quick

before we wind up relocated to Yellow Horse

or White Knife or some [beep] place.

[both gasp]

God, ya can almost smell the virginity in here.

[doorbell]

Hello?

I'm down here.

How ya doin'?

I'm Gina's friend.

That's funny 'coz Gina doesn't have any friends.

Hoh! You callin' me a liar, Gina's mom?

Nobody calls me a liar!

Where do you get off?

What did somebody drop a deuce

in your cereal this morning, ya dried up old floozy?

Okay, yes, now it makes sense!

C'mon in and wait for her.

So, what's a guy gotta do

to get some milk and cookies around here?

Oh, you're a hungry little spark plug, aren't ya!

Yeah. Hungry for revenge.

[chuckle] Good one.

[tools clattering]

Hello?

Cookie--GAH!

Nice to finally meet ya, Cheech.

You're bigger than I imagined.

Has everyone seen my movie?

Who wants cookies?

Hey, where'd ya go?

[screaming]

Oh my God! Oh my God!

[grunting]

Hey, you're not Cheech!

No [beep], you little monster!

Owww! Jesus, McCool!

[grunting]

Where'd it go? Where'd it go?

It's gone...

Hold me, Randy. Tighter.

Cookie! Get a hold of yourself!

Who was that crazed demon child?

It was Gina's friend.

That explains a lot, but why was he after Cheech?

I dunno, let's go down

to the comic book convention and ask him!

A comic book convention?

And I get to kill Cheech? Double win!

GAHH!

Jeez, I hope Pop's havin' better luck

findin' Cheech than I am.

Mmm...

Psst!

Ow! Gina!

That's for lockin' me in my locker!

Thanks for the snacks though.

Hey, can I "aks" ya somethin'?

Say ya do off Uncle Cheech.

What next?

Oh, I got plans.

I want you and me to run away together.

Hit the open road like Bonnie and Clyde.

You wanna get gunned down in slow motion

at the end of an old movie?

No, I mean the bank robbin' parts!

But none of the kissy parts.

Ew, you're gross.

Maybe the huggy parts.

Don't get your hopes up, sicko.

But look, do ya really gotta kill my uncle?

Of course I do!

Good luck findin' Cheech in this joint.

The man's a master of disguise and concealment.

He could be standin' right behind me

and ya'd never know it.

Yo Gina, spot your Uncle Cheech

a couple bucks for a slice willya?

Dammit!

I been lookin' for you, mister.

Not another one!

Look junior, I know what you're thinkin',

but I ain't your father.

Holy crap, you're even dumber than the legends.

Time to put you outta my misery.

Yo look everybody!

It's the midget from Game of Thrones!

[excited screams]

Funny, huh?

They never look as tall in person.

But this is official police business!

Let me in!

Not until I see a wristband, sir!

Can we wrap this up soon, Sugar Cheeks?

I'm getting writer's cramp.

Ho!

What's the meaning of this, you me wannabe?

In season one, episode four

of The Adventures of MapleMan,

you vowed to stand against injustice

no matter where it occurred -

even if the hour was late

and the location less-than convenient!

If you want to quote the show to me,

that's an extra sixty dollars.

Silence!

MapleMan stands for fairness,

equality, and decency.

You stand none of those things,

you egocentric, misogynist hypocrite!

How DARE you!

How dare YOU, sir!

You have no right to fill

the sacred MapleMan unitard!

Security!

Sure, hide behind your goons!

Oh, hi Jetsie! Agh!

Mapleman?

Thank God you're here...

I fell through this table.

Ugh!

Uh... Would Cheech McDougal

please proceed to the information desk.

[feedback]

That's the big table near the front door.

If ya get confused, tell a grown up you're lost.

Uh, over and out.

Well if it ain't Jimmy Falcone.

Hoh! Carmine! Lookit you! 'Scuse me.

Cheech McDougal, do NOT come to the information desk.

Repeat. Do not-

CHEECH: Make up your mind!

Gee kid, ya got the same

psychotic spark in your eye as your ol' man.

I also got his propensity

for violent, blood- soaked revenge...

and his inability to whistle.

Kid, look. I owe ya a huge apology.

I'm sorry for what happened with your Pops.

He was a -- uh, well, I won't say a 'good' man.

He was... a man. Let's leave it at that.

You call that half-assed tap dance an apology?

You murderized him!

He was gonna kill my Uncle.

Then I woulda had to kill him back, so we skipped a step.

But don't take it out on Cheech.

I'm the guy ya want.

Don't worry.

I promised Gina I'd never touch ya.

Who's worried? But that's nice.

She's a good kid.Oh, she's great!

Easy there Romeo...

But listen, ya kinda already got your revenge on me.

How do ya figure?

Look at me! Look around ya.

I'm livin' like a schmuck here,

I mean, my life ain't bad,

but it's a far [beep] cry from good, know what I mean?

CHEECH: Oh for Christ Sake!

For the last time, kid!

I never banged your mother!

[tense music]

Let me tell you something,

you ignominious little snot-stain!

I am a classically- trained actor!

If it weren't for all the money I make,

enduring these weekends

with you halitosis-ridden cretins,

I'd never be caught dead in this asinine outfit

providing masturbatory fantasy-fodder

for overgrown adolescent twerps!

And furthermore, I hate Canada

and MapleMan can gobble my knob!

[all gasp]

Did you get that, Theresa?

He's a one-take wonder!

And....Post!

I hate Canada

and MapleMan can gobble my knob!

You look fat in that suit.

Theresa! That's not nice.

What? Bitch took my job!

I told ya I wouldn't make this easy for ya,

so you're gonna have to go through me.

Ya know, for a guy ya can't stand,

ya sure seem to care a lot about Cheech.

Trust me, this is killin' me.

I'm gonna regret it the next time he opens his mouth.

Wait a sec. Does your mother do hoop waxes

down at the Korean Spa?

See what I mean?[grunts]

[sigh]

Alright, I changed my mind about offin' Cheech...

But not about...

What?

Ah, it sounds mushy.

So spit it out!

Nah, some things are better left unsaid.

What are ya chicken?

Shut up.

I'm no chicken, you're a chicken.

Yeah yeah, I'm rubber, you're glue,

just shut the [beep] up and tell me.

[sigh]

I didn't change my mind

about how much I like ya.

I'm... I'm glad about that.

And bein' glad hurts my face.

Ya make my face hurt too, Gina.

So whaddaya say you and me

shake down a coupla these booths?

Why not?

These dorks have been bullied all their lives.

They know the drill.

You're under arrest

for assaulting a police officer, young man!

It's maximum security juvie for you.

It'll be no picnic my fine friend:

lights out by ten,

and only four hours of social media per day!

McCool! Wait!

ALL: Aw....

Guess I'll have to take a raincheck.

Guess so.

But those blow job screws won't keep me down for long.

You gonna wait for me? Pffft. Screw that.

That's my gal!

Well, son, I hope you picked up some

comics to read where you're going.

For Canada!

A dumping ground for American culture

since 1867!

[loud boom]

I knew it! There IS a more North!

Yes Jimmy, and this is where we'll be

until I'm certain the elusive Carmine Gambini

is no longer a threat.

How soon did he give ya the slip?

Somewhere between the washrooms and the parking lot.

That's my boy.

Petey, did you see how many hits our MapleMan video got?

Yeah...

But look what they're calling it.

"Idiot Fan Pwned by MapleMan".

I can't take this no more!

I'm walkin' home!

I'll just head South!

How hard can it be?

Which way is south?

We are so far North, it's all friggin' South!

Agh![growling]

[all laughing]