Original subtitles

Greetings, friends and potential bullies.

Before Pop bravely tattled on the mob,

there was a time when he had to go

what Wisefellas and Goodguys refer to as "straight."

[Crying]

Why ya cryin?'

I just got this hard-ass parole officer who's...

[Sob]

...makin' me get a regular job!

[Gasp]

That's for getting pinched in the first place!

PETEY: Once Pop's shattered testes healed,

he was well on his way to rehabilitation.

Gimme two abortions in a basket,

double-tap 'em bloody, rye toast.

Comin' right up!

First National's got a payroll comin' in.

You know what to do.

[Inaudible whisper]

I'm confused, Pop.

I understand why YOU work here,

but why does Cheech?

The guy likes eggs. Whaddaya want from me?

Okay, but Uncle Aldo also works here,

and Uncle Sammy, Tutti Marcone...

And isn't that Don Gambini delivering milk?

[Whispering] Petey, shut up!

If I didn't know better,

I'd think you were still running your organization

under the very nose of the New York parole system.

[Gulp]

Kid, I'm on the straight and narrow.

Just trust me, will'ya?

You once said that "trust me"

was gangster talk for "[bleep] you!"

[Sigh] If my suspicions prove true,

I will be very disappointed, Pop -

very disappointed!

Thanks for waitin' 'til my kid left.

Alright, hands up! This is a bust!

I had to do another 18 months 'cause of your big mouth!

Now that we live in Regina,

Pop works a legitimate job every day,

and I've never been prouder of him...

[Gasp]

That's for bein' a rat - which reminds me...

[Gasp]

If you think I'm ever gonna forgive you for that,

fugget about it! ♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it! Oh, fugget about it! ♪

Petey, I know what's goin' on in there,

and it sure ain't clean!

Your son's in there pile-drivin' his crotch into a coma!

Bust the door down!

Why would you wanna SEE that?

Oh my God! Pull him up!

He musta fainted from shame.

[Cough] What the hell?!

Between you and me, Jerk Cousteau,

that is NOT how ya masturbate.

So what the heck is an "OceanLab Six?"

It's a three-month undersea education program

I was accepted to...

but it's prohibitively expensive.

I was under water so no one would see my tears.

When it comes to my kids,

there's no such thing as prohibitionally expensive.

How much we talkin?'

Whoa, yeah, that ain't happenin'.

I've never had to say this in my life, but...

I can't afford that.

Nice goin'!

Now your father's drowning his sorrows in hot sauce,

ya selfish little prick.

Leave him alone.

It's not his fault I'm a work-a-day schmuck

who can't afford underwater nerd school.

[Gasping, panting]

On top of that, I went and ruined my breakfast!

I can help with one of them problems.

I used to make this for Don Gambini.

The man was a notorious over-spicer.

He'd cover his cannelloni in pepper flakes,

then he'd piss and moan about how hot it was.

And when he pissed and moaned,

chefs lost their thumbs.

[Gulp]

Holy crap, these taste like eggs again!

The spice is gone!

Like I said behind the Don's back -

"You're welcome, ya whiny bitch."

I think ya got the solution to

your money problem right there!

Cookie's right!

We could use this to extort every Indian restaurant in town!

"Pay up or the Vindaloo gets it!"

Haven't you idiots figured out there's

legal ways to make a buck?

'Course not. Luckily, I have.

Now, let's go take the spice outta life!

I thought your family could afford OceanLab.

Theresa's always got so much

expensive clothes and jewellery.

She gets those from men

I'm not supposed to tell my parents about.

My family's taking me camping this weekend

to cheer me up.

Hey, do you wanna come along?

Maybe we could comfort each other

in our time of mutual disappointment?

I literally have no experience in this area,

so I'm just gonna ask -

Are you coming on to me?

No, silly!

Why would I do that?

What are you even talking abou-

Yes!

Well then, I'd love to go camping.

In fact, I've already pitched my tent...

[Applause]

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to "Scorpion's Hive,"

the publicly-funded show

that provides investment opportunities

for private venture capitalists!

[Crowd cheering]

Has this ever happened to you?

[Sniff] Oh no!

I over-spiced my food.

It's burning a hole in my tongue!

Jimmy? You're supposed to be at work!

Agnes, get back to the office, quick!

What if someone needs a map?

Hey, lady,

them spices hot enough for youse?

♪ [Old-school hip hop beat]

[Rapping] My name is Neutralizer,

and I'm here to say

I'm gonna take all the spice from your spices away!

Spice it, yeah! Spice it down!

Oh God, stop it!

Ming's right!

Just tell us about the product so we can rip ya a new one!

It's Spice Neutralizer.

Ya sprinkle it on overly-spicy food

and it kills the heat - but not the taste.

Who's your target market?

Mangia-Cake white people

who can't handle a little 'peppah.'

What are your sales figures?

Hey, wasn't I married to you once?

You look terrible, Cheech.

Ugh!

Glad I walked out on you. You bad man!

What's your business plan?

To make a crap-ton of money

and send my kid to space.

I import knock-off yoga pants,

Belgian video games, and spices.

I'm out. Bad idea!

As an Irish-Canadian,

I wasn't even aware food could be spicy.

I'm out.

[Audience gasps]I like this idea,

but I don't want to invest in it.

I'd prefer to license it from you.

What's that mean?It means I do all the work,

assume all the risk, pay you a half the profits,

and you do... nothing.

You've always wanted to do nothin', Jimmy!

Hold out for less than nothin'.

Are you serious, Pop? You got the money?!

Yep, looks like you are gonna be sleepin' with the fishes!

I know you didn't mean that the usual way,

but I still peed my pants a little.

What am I gonna tell Anna?

She invited me camping so we could

forget our OceanLab disappointment.

Could ya just enjoy somethin' for once?

What she don't know won't hurt her.

Howdy, sir!

I'm Ron, Anna's Dad.

This is my wife, Bathsheba.

I hope you're up for a rollicking,

kick-in-the-pants adventure

in the wilds of Saskatchewan, Petey!

And don't worry,

I'll see there's no hanky or panky between these kids.

We'll keep things as chaste and pure

as our Lord Jesus.

I'd say "have fun,"

but that's clearly off the table.

Bathsheba, stop staring at the man like a harlot.

Okay, let's hit the road!

Thanks for coming, Petey.

I need at least eight inches between you two back here.

Move your keister over, son.

Let's pass the time with music!

♪ Oh, we're going to the mansion ♪

♪ on the happy day express

♪ And the letters on the engine ♪

♪ are J-E-S-U-S!

[Laugh]

Whaddaya mean ya lost the Spice Neutralizer recipe?

Wheatthin's gonna be here any minute!

Just write it down again.

I would, but I can't remember it.

I only got so much room up here.

I can't re-memberize a whole recipe

AND the names of all the Hobbits.

[Doorbell]

Aw crap, that's Wheatthin!

Maybe it's in my other pants.

You don't have other pants.

Okay, okay, I'll scratch "other pants" off the list.

That is a lotta zeroes!

Let's count them again.

One...

Two...

If I didn't know better,

I'd think you were stalling me for some reason.

He's onto us. Forget it!

Okay, look - Cheech lost the formula.

We'll find it. We just need time.

But I've already bought factories

and hired sweatshop workers.

Spice Neutralizer launches next week.

I'm having several Spice Girls neutralized

to mark the occasion.

Touch Ginger and I'll cut ya!

You have 'til Monday to produce that formula.

Otherwise I'll have to sue you for misrepresentation.

Sorry, Jimmy, it's nothing personal,

just business.

You can't say that! That's my people's saying!

How does he do that?!

Cheech, if ya don't remember that formula,

Wheatthin's gonna take us for everything we got.

I got this, Jimmy. Trust me!

Do you mean trust me-trust me, or [bleep] you-trust me?

The nice one.

Cheech didn't lose it.

Someone stole it!

And I bet it was that Ming broad from "Scorpion's Hive."

That's classy. Blame the Asian!

It's got nothing to do with bein' Asian -

and everything to do with bein' Cheech's ex-wife!

How much more motive does she need?

She's right. You know what they say -

"Hell hath no flurry like a woman's corns."

Are we still in Canada?

I don't see this campground anywhere on the map.

If you're not on the map,

the government can't find you and forcibly re-educate you

with the lies of the Antichrist.

I see...

I'm just going to retire to my tent

for the rest of the weekend.

Oh, we don't use tents.

We're sleeping in old "Archie Bunker" here.

Do me a favour, son.

Take that bag of automatic weapons

from the roof rack inside.

You don't mind if I call you "son," do ya?

We're facing Armageddon together.

That makes us family!

Uh, what?

I'll go set up a perimeter.

Aw darn, I forgot razor-wire!

Oh well, we'll have to rely on prayers

and homemade frag mines to keep Satan away.

Anna, I'm trying very hard not to freak out,

but HAVE I BEEN KIDNAPPED?!

Sorry, every few months,

Mom and Dad drag me out here to wait for the End Times.

I couldn't face another Rapture fail

without someone rational to talk to.

So you picked me? Oh, that's just great...

Wait -

You think I'm rational?

That's the hottest thing a girl's ever said to me!

Petey, you're downright logical.

[Gasp]

And don't worry about my family.

They're nutty, but harmless.

Petey, the Bible says it's an abomination

for a man to lie with another man,

so you can't sleep with me in the men's quarters.

Thankfully it says nothing

about black market assault rifles!

[Chuckle] Anyway, you'll be bunking with Anna.

♪ What a friend we have in ♪

♪ Jeeeesus!

Alright, me and Jimmy'll muscle

that formula away from Ming.

You gals go home and synch up your cycles.

We're not sendin' two goons in

to intimidate a small-boned lady!

It needs a woman's touch.

Gimme the formula, toots,

or I'll rip your freakin' lips off!

Jesus, Ma!

What the hell big crazy bitch talking about?

I'm talkin' Russian Roulette with an automatic

unless you start singin'.

Hoh, Ma!

Where the hell ya been all my life?

The formula's gotta be stashed around here someplace.

She comes from a very crafty culture.

Isn't that a little racist, Cheech?

Talk to me when you've spent

three weeks in a Chinese finger trap.

Oh God!

That's strong!

I feel like I've been maced!

Nah, mace feels worse than this.

See?[Scream]

Dammit Cheech, what the hell is wrong with you?!

I'm tryin' to illustrate a point!

Ow! Daddy!

[Scream] My eyes!

Still not as bad as mace, but - [scream]

Finish up those K-rations, kids.

They'll keep for 600 years, but they do get stale.

How's that filtered urine, Petey?

[Laugh] Someone just volunteered for first watch tonight!

Petey, if anyone tries to get in,

shoot first and beg the Lord's forgiveness later.

[Laugh] That's a joke.

You won't need forgiveness for slaughtering

whatever unholy abomination comes knocking.

Whoops! Forgot the urine filter!

I know this isn't what you expected, Petey,

but once Mom and Dad go to sleep,

maybe we can...

...have a fumbling session

of heavy "commiserating" about OceanLab?

Very heavy...

and very fumbling.

Oh God, you talk so sexy!

Oh, there's plenty more

inexperienced innuendo where that came from.

RON: Oh no, you shot the urine filter!

[All laughing]

I'm telling you, O'Shea did it!

That leprechaun always whines about

not making enough money from the TV show.

Alright, thanks, Ming.

Sorry I pointed a gun at your head.

Oh, that's nothing compared to Canadian immigration.

[Double gasp]

Theresa did it!

That's just great!

Now she's suin' us, too. Way to go, Cheech!

How is this in any way my fault?

Goin' on that crazy TV show was Cookie's idea.

Don't blame me, ya sack o' [bleep]!

Guys! Guys! Calm down.

We all know this is Petey's fault.

No, it's Ma and Pop's for havin' a brainiac for a son.

Yeah, if he was a moron like the rest of us,

this woulda never happened!

Aw, screw you guys!

I'm gonna go talk to O'Shea myself.

Unlike you idiots, I know how to get things done!

Yer supposed to blow up the OTHER guy's car,

Mr. Get Things Done.

I'm tellin' ya, McCool,

O'Shea's behind this!

Are you suggesting the Premier is embroiled in some sort of

Spice Neutralizer conspiracy?

That's preposterous!

So you're not gonna help us?

Au contraire, Jimmy.

I'll see this through to the end!

My first step -

Spending nine hours on hold with

your government-sponsored insurance company.

For Canada,

where no-fault liability means everyone gets screwed equally!

♪

The jig's up, O'Shea.

We know about your problems with "Scorpion's Hive."

How'd ya find out?

Let's just say...

Ming told us.

She knows?!

After she swore I didn't talk in me sleep!

You slept with my wife?!

Ah, we only cuddled...

...with me penis in her.

Sonofabitch!

Who gives a [bleep]? You were married three days!

I've only had this shirt three days.

I still don't want him stickin' his dick in it.

Now give us what we want, O'Shea.

[Both coughing and choking]

Security, get in here.

I've got some trash to take out.

Oh, right. I'll crack a window.

♪ [Ominous music]

There's something I should tell you.

My pop got enough money together

to send me to OceanLab.

[Gasp]

I thought we were sharing our mutual sorrows,

but you were just practicing holding your breath!

It's not like that, Anna.

I just didn't know how to tell you.

Dad warned me about privileged rich boys

who try to take advantage of innocent girls.

Try? No. Did? Yes.

But I like you, Anna...

[Alarm blaring]

Yay! It's finally the Apocalypse!

That, or it's a roving band of Liberals

seeking to feast on our Bibles and unborn babies.

Don't be afraid to kill anyone, Petey.

The Bible says it's okay, more often than not.

Play the numbers, son. Always play the numbers.

[Banging on door]

You were right, Dad!

Oh Lord,

forgive me for tongue- kissing this heretic!

[Bawling]

Wake up!

[Groan] I thought I told you girls to stay home.

Aren't ya glad we don't listen to you very often?

[Phone vibrating]

Theresa followed O'Shea.

He's meetin' with buyers! C'mon!

Woo!

One more stamp and I get a free coffee!

Everythin's comin' up Cheech!

O'SHEA: I'll have to see the money

before I can commit to anything,

ya cheap, sleazy bastards.

[Otherworldly sound]

Oh, that's where my flashlight went.

JIMMY: Not so fast, O'Shea.

You're too late, ya jackasses!

It's done.

You can't sell stolen property.

[Laugh] Oh God, listen to me.

Yeah, right! [Laugh]

And violence never solved anything!

[Both laugh]

This is getting weird. The deal's off.

Now look what ya did. Ya blew me chances!

Screw you, O'Shea!

That Spice Neutralizer recipe belongs to us.

What the hell are ya talkin' about,

ya giant bloody festerin' tit?

I was about to sign a deal

with a rival network for me own investment show -

"Piranha Creek!"

I thought you was tryin' to extort me.

For what?

If "Scorpion's Hive" found out about

"Piranha Creek" before I jumped ship,

they'd gnaw the flesh off the deal's meaty bones!

Wait, which one of youse is the piranha?

It's Canadian television, Jimmy.

We all are.

Oh Christ,

now I'm stuck on that low-payin' show.

Hey, would ya look at that.

[Toby crying]

Lookit that indeed.

Tabby's mom is lookin' pre-tay fine!

How do ya like that, Petey?

The Gupta Family here was under the impression

the Age of Kali Yuga was ending.

That's the Hindu apocalypse.

Between you and me,

these kooks put the "mental" in fundamental.

Everyone knows the End of Times is a Christian Armageddon!

Sorry about the gunshot wound, Mr. Gupta.

That's the thing with time-share Apocalypse bunkers.

They're affordable,

but the scheduling's a pain in the rump!

[Chuckle] I'll go take down the perimeter.

I'm glad no one stepped on a frag mine.

That could've been very messy! [Chuckle]

Lucky I'm good at digging mass graves!

Please God, tell me that was a joke.

RON: It won't be one day!

Anna, listen, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about OceanLab.

And I'm sorry I called you a heretic.

So, will I see you at school?No...

Mom saw us making out,

and now she wants to send me away until the baby comes.

What?!

I know, but guess where they're sending me...

[Explosion]

RON: I'm okay! A mine went off!

Arm seems to be gone!

If I pass out before we reach the hospital,

be sure to refuse a transfusion!

[Weeping]

Goin' somewhere, Toby?

[Double gasp] You've come for vengeance!

Make it quick! Not the face!

Open casket!

Who's going to rub Mother's feet?!

Calm down! Pull yourself together!

Thank you, Jimmy. I deserved that...

And probably that, too.

Now you're just doing it for fun!

Stop it, Jimmy! It's my turn.

Ow!

You stole my formula, didn't ya?!

Yes... At the TV studio.

I knew Jimmy would quit Regina Tourism once he got rich.

[Sob]

I couldn't face work

without my best friend in the whole wide world!

[Sob]Who, me?

But I had a change of heart and left the recipe in your car.

Mom insisted on coming with me.

[Glug]

It was too late to put out the fire,

so I grabbed Mom, stopped, dropped, and rolled her,

and we took off.

But ya saved the recipe, right?

No, it went up with your car.

Ah, great. I'm screwed!

Thanks a lot, ya stupid son of a bitch!

Lucky it's easy to remember -

baking soda, flour,

vanilla extract, and...

...a dash of cumin.

I don't know why that was so hard to remember, Cheech.

Oh yeah? Go on, ask me -

Which one's Frodo?

[Car horn]

I have your brand new SUV,

courtesy of Saskatchewan Government Insurance!

[Crash]

Canada's Worst Driver!

I must've left it in gear!

Put on a pot of coffee, Cookie,

I'm going back on hold.

Yo, Cook! I got Petey on Skype!

I hate it here!

I've been sea-sick for three weeks!

Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. McDougal,

I'll take care of him.

I hope you kids are bein' good down there under the sea!

Well, Mrs. McDougal...

I won't lie to you.

Ah, gettin' screwed in a submarine...

It's like he's in the Navy for real!

♪ La la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la Saskatchewan! ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la! ♪