Original subtitles

How ya doin'?

Back where I grew up, ya had three career options -

cop, priest, or gangster.

My old man was a wiseguy, so that's what I was.

Who doesn't wanna grow up to be their Pop?

Unless he's a priest. Then ya got bigger problems.

...Or a cop, in which case, [bleep] you.

[Intermittent thumping sound]

What the hell's that? I hit somethin'?

[Thumping sound]

[Thumping sound]

Jimmy! What are ya doin' back here?

Impersonatin' a spare tire. What's it look like?

I want to learn the family business from Pop.

You're too young for this, kid.

Go hitch a ride home.

At his age? Are you nuts?

That ain't safe!

Here, take this with ya.

JIMMY: I wanted Pop to let me stay.

But he was bein' such a prick!

I mean, it's not like I was some kinda moron or anything.

[Groan]

Oh my God! I'm so sorry!

Don't worry about it.

We're out here to whack Paulie anyway.

Ya made your bones, kid.

You murdered a man,

then bonded with your father over it?

Technically, it was manslaughter.

And I'm just sayin' it was a nice moment.

Not for Paulie, it wasn't.

Gut shots take forever to kill ya.

Bastard lingered for days.

Don't listen to em, Pop.

I think bondin' over some jagoff

with more holes in 'em than Swiss cheese would be great.

Let's start with Cheech!

This kid... [Laugh] What a card.

But if ya think people up here in Mother Canada

don't got any daddy issues,

fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ he take the boss

♪ he threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much longer 'til the mob want him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ The Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ so he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it! ♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it! Oh, fugget about it! ♪

I hope takin' me to the antique fair

wasn't too traumatic for you fellas.

At first I wanted to blow my brains out,

but then I got numb from boredom.

Now that I been antiquin',

it's okay for me to admit that I like show tunes, right?

'Cause I love show tunes!

♪ Lookit that animal runnin' right beside us ♪

♪ Runnin' really, really fast! ♪

What show is that from?

It ain't. Look.

Oh! I got 400 horsepowers here,

and she's keepin' up with me!

Yeah, but the horses in the engine are teeny-tiny.

For Chrissake, slow down, Jimmy!

What for?

[Crash]

Oh, that.

This wouldn'a [grunt] happened

if Cheech bungeed it to the roof like I said!

If I knew what "bungee" meant, I'da done it.

But I don't, so I didn't.

We're gonna get rich racin' this horse we bought!

I wanna name it in honour of Cookie.

Really?

Yep, I'm callin' this filly "Cookie's [Bleep]in' Wardrobe"

'cause that's all we heard about on the ride home!

That's sweet, Jimmy, but are you sure it's a filly?

I checked. Right up to my elbow!

Sorry I missed antiquing in Moosejaw, Cookie...

Sweet Canadian Pickers!

What a lovely wardrobe!

And who's this?

[Horses neigh]

This is Cookie's [bleep]in' Wardrobe.

Yes, I realize it's Cookie's, Jimmy,

but what of this horse?

It's Cookie's [bleep]in' Wardrobe.

We've established who owns the wardrobe.

No need for - Oh, I see!

Her name is Cookie's flah-frah Wardrobe.

That's terrible!

Beats callin' her "Horse."

Is that so?

I'll have you know that I and Horse,

both happen to think that "Horse"

is a perfectly utilitarian moniker.

Ya can't name somethin' what it is.

That's stupid.

What am I gonna do, go inside and say hello

to my two girls, "Daughter" and "Antichrist?"

Hey look, it's my son, "Massive Disappointment!"

PETEY: Hey!

It looks as good as new -

which means ya screwed up!

It's supposed to look old,

like an antique.

Hey, nice cupboard, Ma!

It's not a cupboard, ignoramus.

It's an armoire.

Don't talk to my daughter that way!

Oh my God!

Do you realize what you just did?

I gave him a dirty look.

That was no mere dirty look.

You have... the Malocchio!

But I don't wanna be a real boy!

It's the Sicilian Evil Eye...

The power to curse anyone who crosses you

with medium-to-serious misfortune.

Does this mean I have to do stuff?

I don't wanna do stuff.

It's a gift that runs in our family

but skips a generation.

I always thought Gina'd be the one to get it.

Ha! In your face, Gina!

GINA: I heard that!

Theresa, the Malocchio is nothin' to be trifled with.

You've got a lot to learn, young lady.

I know - Like what the hell "trifled with" means.

You're both nuts!

There's no such thing as the Malocchio.

It's a silly superstition.

Don't you diss my magic cursin' stinkeye...

Ooooh! I'm real scared!

Ha!

[Scream]

What's the play? Am I throwin' this race or what?

Nah, ya don't gotta throw nothin'.

This animal runs like my bowels on taco night.

Yo Cheech, looks like we're not allowed to race.

Cookie's [bleep]in' Wardrobe is pregnant.

Don't look at me! I pulled out.

Sorry, it's my go-to when I hear someone's with child.

The Dip[bleep] Duo blows it again!

I'll be in the lounge.

Do NOT join me!

I had a lotta money ridin' on this animal.

How'd she get knocked up?

McCool, that's how.

I bet that horse of his did it.

Can't say I blame her.

Horse is hung like a McCool!

Jimmy, we gotta get what's comin' to us,

and we'll do it like our Sicilian ancestors did...

in paternity court!

Jimmy, this is preposterous![Neigh]

Relax, McCool.

We're suin' the RCMP, not you personally.

Yes, you are!

The department says I'm responsible

for Horse's actions.

Geez, that changes things.

Ya saved me a trip downtown.

Thanks.

I want the truth!

[Neigh]

Read back that testimony.

"I want the truth." "Neiiigh."

"I really shouldn't.

I have a race comin' up."

"Oh c'mon, baby. You know I love ya."

"Oh, okay, but use a condom."

"I thought you were on the pill!"

"I am, but it don't protect ya from the clap."

"Hey, I'm clean!

I just got out of a long-term relationship."

"Sounds like someone likes to commit!"

Get on with it!

[Cheech grunting]

I gotta prove you're actually knocked up.

Eh, think about runnin' water.

I object!

Overruled!

Sorry. I thought about runnin' water.

[Chuckle] Anyway, I rest my case.

Oy ye,oy ye!

Court is now in session.

What the hell is this?

The judge is here. We can start for real.

But I got a surprise witness!

[Girly voice] "He did the same thing to me!"

Where'd ya get that?

Bettin' on the ponies.

Yeah, well, how 'bout givin' your big sister a cut?

No way!

The hobos who laid the bets for me ain't gettin' a cut.

Why should you?

Oh, you better think twice before ya mess with me,

ya gypsy wannabe.

YOU think twice.

I mochaccinoed the lunch lady

and she fell into a giant pot of soup.

She get burned?Nah, it was cafeteria soup.

It's lukewarm at best.

But she DID hafta go home and change.

Ya ain't getting [bleep]. Put that in your soup.

Hey, I think the effects of the curse

wear off after a couple of days.

[Strange buzzing]

[Yelp]

Phew...

Ach!

Argh! Not agaaaiiiinnn!!

JUDGE: I never expected to see you

in paternity court again,

Agent McCool.

I'm sorry, your honour?

When you were a boy,

your mother was in here suing your father,

Staunch McCool, for alimony.

Alimony that remains unpaid to this day, your honour.

I see.

So we've got Cookie's [bleep]in' Wardrobe

versus... "Horse?"

What's your horse's name?"Horse."

Yes, the horse.

What is its name?"Horse!"

You're trying my patience, Special Agent.

His name is "Horse," your honour.

Well, no wonder he's

impregnating fillies willy nilly.

Give the animal the dignity of a proper name, sir!

It is a proper name!

And that is not the concern of this nosey, nosey court.

Strait McCool,

I find you in contempt!

Furthermore, I find in favor of the plaintiff.

Agent McCool is ordered to pay all damages.

What?!

We won, without even sayin' a word!

Makes ya think, huh?

How different would my life be

if I just kept my mouth shut?

Yo, Toots! Nice cans!

Ma'am, I'm sorry. That was very disrespectful.

What I meant was, nice cans, your honour.

[Sigh]

According to this,

I owe you tens of thousands of dollars!

I'd hate for this to ruin our friendship.

Yeah, that would be terrible.

Now pay up or I'll break your knees!

How am I supposed to raise that much money

on a civil servant's salary?

Your Pop!

He's out there livin' the high life,

totally crushin' the whole deadbeat dad thing.

Where did you get these?

Oh, I got my ways, McCool.

Petey found them on the internet?

Yes.

He's at the Banff Springs Hotel.

Let's get him.

He pays you, you pay us, everybody's happy -

expect you.

Alright, I'll do it!

Frankly, I relish the opportunity

to righteously confront

my no-account, deadbeat father.

I can't face him! Don't make me go!

I'm scared, Jimmy! Please!

I just can't do it!

I'll be in our room, stress-eating minibar peanuts!

Ya believe this guy? What a baby!

No kiddin'.

Lookit him runnin' off like a yellow-bellied scaredy cat.

[Increasingly- unhinged shrieking]

[Increasingly- unhinged shrieking]

♪ [Tense horror music]

THERESA: Petey, I need ya to do my homework...

for the rest of high school.

GINA: This is my hidin' spot.

Get out! PETEY: No!

Someone criticized Theresa at lunch

and she turned the cafeteria

into the prom scene from "Carrie!"

Let's end this.

We'll drive a stake through her heart.

COOKIE: That's for vampires!

Don't ya know anything about the supernatural?

Ugh, if ya went to Catholic school,

you'd know this stuff!

PETEY: You're hiding from Theresa, too?

COOKIE: Sure - she's Malocchio-in' people

left and right like a drunken gunslinger!

But I got a plan.

I'm sick of bein' pushed around

by that power-crazed little psycho -

Oh hi, baby!

How's my favorite girl?

Hey, sis! Ya look so good-

Aw crap, I can't do this.

Just zap me right now.

[Strange hiss]

This still beats suckin' your bony butt,

I'll tell ya that much.

STAUNCH: Baccarat!

[Grumbling in foreign language]

Gentlemen, welcome!

Join us.

The game's poker,

but these fops think it's Baccarat.

They don't speak English, nor do they understand cards.

It's like taking candy

from several sleazy babies.

Excuse me. Are you Staunch McCool?

The one and only, good sir.

I need to talk to ya about somethin' from your past.

My past, eh?

In that case, I'll pour you a drink.

What's your poison? Cognac? Absinthe?

Lithuanian discount cola!

That discount cola's pretty good!

JIMMY: He's gettin' away!

I got an idea!

Alright, let's get him!

[♪♪♪]

We gotta ditch some weight to go faster.

[Screams]

The air's so thin up here, I can hardly move.

CHEECH: I got this!

[♪♪♪]

[Screams]

Did the Marquis of Catalonia send you

because I slept with his sister?

What? No.

Is this about the gun smuggling to the Congo?

Please!

Do you expect those child soldiers to arm themselves?

No!

Strait McCool sent me 'cause ya slept with his Mom.

CHEECH: This is the ride of my life!

Coincidentally, that's exactly what I said to Strait's mother.

Alright, kid,

I'm takin' away your allowance,

I'm groundin' ya,

and I shredded your driver's license.

Ma, what the hell are ya doin'?

I'm teachin' Theresa values!

Gimme that stuff back,

or I'm gonna super-triple-Pinocchio ya!

You haven't got the balls!

Ew!

Yeah, no, I don't have balls

but that's got nothin' to do with this!

Ha!

Malocchio-ed by your own Malocchio!

That sounds lame.

Hoist by your own petard!

Not as lame as that.

What's gonna happen to me?

No!

I've gone full-frizz!

Someone wants to meet ya, McCool.

Ask him for the money.

Hello Strait. Been a long time.

How dare you try and shake my hand!

Mother had to take in sewing

and moonlight as a dominatrix

because of your neglect.

And you never came to my birthday parties!

I offered to pay but she refused,

said my money was dirty,

and ill-gotten from card hustling

and shady deals.

Not to mention the counterfeit My Little Pony merchandise!

That's a lie, damn you!

I'm no monster!

Why didn't you answer my letters?

Did your Mother burn them

without showing them to you?

How would I know?

I don't see the resemblance. Do you?

If it's money you want, Strait,

I'll gladly wire it from my bank in Geneva.

But in the meantime,

let's make up for all the lost years

and get to know each other...

Son.

"Wire from Geneva". Oldest line in the book.

As if McCool'd fall for that.

Oh, Papa!

Oh, Strait!

[Sobbing]Oh, Jesus.

Are you nuts invitin' this guy to stay with ya?

He's a con man!

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone".

What is that, The Beatles?

The Bible, Jimmy!

Oh, musta skimmed that part.

Jimmy's right - I been a deadbeat,

and I said all the same things he's sayin' to you.

Just not as fancy.

But he's my father! He'd never lie to me.

Come, Strait, let's do all the things

I missed when you were growing up.

Start with givin' him lotsa money.

Or with changin' his diapers.

I hear that's real nice.

Why are you dressed like a female gym teacher?

I tried washing my clothes.

The washer caught fire and burned 'em.

This stupid curse is the worst.

Are you kiddin' me?

How'd this get in here?

The Malocchio works in mysterious ways.

Help me, Ma! I wanna be rid of this.

Alright, but it's gonna be tough.

First, I need your picture.

Wait, I should do my hair...

[Screams]

[Both laugh]

[♪♪♪]

[Both laugh]

[♪♪♪]

[Both laugh]

[♪♪♪]

[Laughs]

Yay!

[Traffic sounds]

[Loud impact]

[Bizarre sound effects]

[Barnyard animal sounds]

[Sobs]

[Laughs]

Alright Staunch, where's the money?

Patience, Jimmy. It's on the way!

Isn't it, Dad?Indeed.

I spoke to my bank manager, Hans, and he assured me--

Hans?

That name sounds as made up as all your excuses.

So you doubt my word, good sir.

And I use 'good sir' sarcastically.

I'll write Strait a cheque for the full amount.

I bet that ain't worth the paper it's printed on.

Actually it's gold-flake paper.

Very expensive.

Ooh, real nice, Dad.

This is from my Cayman Island account.

It'll take a day or two to clear.

Oh Christ, another dodge!

Jimmy!

Until this check clears,

I don't want to see you, understood?

Unless there's witness protection business,

or if you need anything, or if you just need to chat.

But outside of that!

You are persona non grata while my father is visiting.

Good day, sir.

Okay, I'm ready. What do we do?

Sit, my child.

Here's the thing about The Malocchio.

The curse wears off after a while,

but there's always the danger of being re-cursed.

One could say it's a...

recursive curse.

Or one could shut up and let Mama talk.

Sorry.

Anyway Theresa, I can't take the Evil eye away from ya.

But I can do this.

Gina.

Did you put those pictures online?

Not yet, we didn't.

But if you ever give anyone in this house

the Malocchio again...

Your social life goes ka-blooey.

Uh, uh, uh...

Okay, you win. I'll learn to control it.

For the record, "recursive" means occurring repeatedly,

and since we're on the subject of a curse

that can re-occur,

"recursive" is a doubly- amusing wordplay because--

No one cares, Petey!

Alright, we gotta prove once and for all

that McCool's Pop is a no-good grifter.

And we'll do it by breakin' into his house.

[Grunts]

Actually, let's use the door.

Canucks always leave 'em unlocked.

No Jimmy, it's "breakin' and enterin',"

not "enterin'"...

Stupid.

Elvis Stojko's Quadruple Jump!

What are you two doing?

We got him, McCool!

And we got him red-handed.

I told you my red hands were from eating pistachios!

Looky here.

Credit cards, and not a single one with his name on it.

Passports from different countries,

different aliases.

And a bag of mustaches!

I bet this one ain't even real.

Ow! It's real, you twit!

He's a flim-flam man.

We just can't figure out if he's flimmin' ya or flammin' ya.

I assure you

my intent is neither to flim nor to flam.

Then why do ya got McCool's bankin' information

written down here?

For the money I owe him!

But... I didn't give you that information.

I... found your bank book. I had every intention of--

Rippin' you off!

Don't listen to them, son. They're idiots!

They couldn't find tar to tar and feather me,

so they used maple syrup.

Jimmy kept drinking it!

Then Cheech tried to get feathers out of a foam pillow.

For an hour!

Strait, I'm not a good man.

In fact if I didn't escape from Morocco when I did,

I wouldn't still be a man at all...

but I never lied to you!

Not my own flesh and blood.

But he did break your window!

Look the baby horse is crowning!

I can't believe I ran my own father

out of town on a rail -

Literally. The 3:15 to BC.

Ya did the right thing.

Sooner or later, he woulda ripped ya off

and ripped out your heart.

Which would not be as gross

as what I'm lookin' at right now.

I was blinded by the need for a father figure,

but who needs that when one has such good friends?

Ya still owe me the money.

I know, Jimmy. I know.

Oh! I finally gave Horse a name!

Didn't I, Diefenbaker?

Excuse me a moment.

Special Agent Strait McCool.

Here it comes!

ALL: Eww!

[Whinnies]

Aww!

Um... That's not a horse.

That's a mule.

Hmmm, that's interest-- Oh Jesus Christ!

What?

Mules happen when horses do it with a donkey!

Cookie's [Bleep]in' Wardrobe

was knocked up when we bought her!

Good news. You're off the hook.

Diefenbaker ain't the father!

[Relieved sigh]

Splendid, because if I did have to pay you,

I have the money!

My father's check cleared.

Oh?

He was telling the truth, Jimmy.

My long-lost father

was telling the truth the whole time!

How do ya like that?

I was so sure he was a dirt bag.

Well, I guess we better sue the guy

who sold us the pregnant horse.

Perfect! I'll go get my lawyer wig.

Yo McCool, can I count on you as a witness?

For Canada -

where apparently a jackass CAN ride a jackass!

[Mule braying]CHEECH: Hey Jimmy, can I go next?