Original subtitles

How ya doin'?

In the old life, the trickiest part of pullin' off a big heist

was dividin' up the loot.

So many fingers, so little pie...

Seems a shame to give all this money away

considerin' these guys already skimmed it behind my back.

So I want ya to put a little surprise

in the boxes.

Jimmy, you are a no-good,

back-stabbin' scumbag

who'd sell out his own mother to turn a buck.

I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Aw Cheech, ya always know what to say.

Thanks pal.

Ya put the cash in with the bombs, didn't ya?

Was I not supposed to?

Oh. Oh! I get it now!

C'mere, you! I can't stay mad at ya.

That ain't what happened!

Ya went to town on me with a baseball bat!

So? Ya deserved it!

I still got Louisville Slugger imprinted on my ass!

Ya know what you are?

A brutal, bloodthirsty hood,

who beat up his mother for crossing him.

Aw.

Ya always know what to say, Cheech.

C'mere you...

No way, Jimmy!

You ain't messin' up this hair again!

Fugget about it!

♪ Lemme tell you somethin'

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ A "made" wise guy and a capo with Gambini ♪

♪ But then he found out ♪

♪ they'd be whackin' Uncle Cheech ♪

He take the boss, he threw him from nineteenth floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long till the mob all wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the feds ♪

♪ The feds said they'd help if they can use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it!

Oh! Fugget about it!

I know you're tryin' to save money,

but if you fall offa there,

I'm not spendin' the rest of my life

changin' your diapers.

Cook, I didn't rise to the top of organized crime

bein' scared of heights.

I wish ya were!

Ya wouldn'a chucked Gambini outta that skyscraper

and someone else would be fixin' that roof.

I gotta go get ready for Jazzercise.

[Laughs]

They still do Jazzercise in Regina.

Since when do you wear diapers?

CHEECH: Ya done yet? I'm bored over here.

What are ya doin'? Who's holdin' my safety line?

I tied it off. What am I a mook?

COOKIE: See ya later, boys!

[Car drives off]

[Screams]

[Groans]

♪ [Angelic music]

Salut, mon amis!

Holy crap, God is French.

I owe Shwa Shwa 20 bucks.

[Applause]

I can't believe they're forcing me

to be on the stupid debate team!

Next time think before skipping class

to drive a friend to an abortion.

Yes, that's right.

A friend.

Madame Chairperson, judges,

esteemed yet poorly prepared opponents

from the Catholic school--

Shut up! Jesus totally rode a dinosaur!

I have crafted a tight rebuttal.

[Crowd laughs]

Oh, I get it. "Tight rebuttal".

Very mature.

[Crowd laughs]

Er, let me begin by saying...

[Crowd laughs]

[Sighs] Pass.

[Crowd laughs]

Do you want a--No thank you!

Ew.

Even your sweat tastes like failure.

Baby, I'm so sorry.

I didn't know you were tied to the car!

Cancel the bulk diaper order.

'Ello. I'm Jacques!

Glad you're okay!

Hey Jack. Jimmy.

See this TV he's got?

It's like you're right there with the Wiggles.

Hoh! Speaking of wiggles.

'Dis is my wife Ginette.

Do ya mind my askin', but were you ever a dancer?

Oui, oui. But not with de clothes on.

I knew it! A sister stripper!

Gimme five up top!

Want to 'elp me put up my stripper pole?

Yo, Cheech, quit starring at her ass.

Why don't you take a picture?

I like this guy already.

Well, we don't got no more Labatt's.

Where does a guy get the beer in Vagina?

I know it's Re-gina,

but Vagina make me laugh.

Trust me, that joke gets old quick.

So Jacques, where's that accent ya got from, France?

'Ell non!

I'm from da place with da man-skirts and...

'ow you say...

Squeeze bags of music?

Scotland?

Oui, c'est ca! I'm from de Scotland.

I think man-skirts are Greenwich Village.

What's your last name?

It's Boucher--

I mean McFelcher.

I already told you once, bud.

Feet off the table!

Okay, but first you kiss my hairy ass?

Ya believe this, Cheech?

A bar fight!

It's like I'm twelve again!

I know Botox helps excessive perspiration,

but why do you care?

If I gotta be on a team fulla losers,

I want it to be a winner.

You're our only hope!

Doc, fill these pits with everything you've got!

Ew! Now his face is leakin'!

I got this one!

Everyone at headquarters had a good laugh

when they heard I had to bail you out of jail

yet again, Jimmy!

Did anyone mention me?

We didn't start it, we just joined in when it got goin'.

Oh, of course! You didn't do it!

Just like the last time, and the time before that.

There will come a day, Jimmy,

that I won't be there to catch you

when you take yet another

of your enthusiastic leaps from grace!

Oh you'll be there, McCool.

Ya got no friends, no life.

Ya got nothin'!

He's right.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, don't ya think it's funny

how we got so much in common?

Almost too much, if ya know what I mean?

He means your wives are both hot-lookin' broads.

Ho-ho-ho, sounds like somebody

want a crack at Ginette, non?

You're a big man and I've seen ya fight,

so I'll pass.

But I may rub one out to her at some point

if that's okay with you.

You honor me with your future masturbation!

[Hums]

[Gasps]

Still rockin' the dress reds, McCool?

Ya look like a giant apple with legs man.

David Suzuki's whispy beard!

Slade Donovan?

Lanny MacDonald's magnificent moustache!

That's right.

What are you doing here? You need something?

What I'm doin' here is above your pay-grade.

What I need is for you to do your damn job,

Dudley Do-Wrong.

[Glass shatters]

[Raucous laughter]

JIMMY: Nice going Cheech!

[Both laugh]

Jacques, I told you not to associate with these people!

What in the hell is goin' on!

Cheech tried to hump the Wiggles

and he knock over de TV.

I need a new one, Mountie!

Yeah and get us a new TV, Mountie!

Wait a sec, why do you have a Mountie?

Why do you have a Mountie?

BOTH: Witness protection!

[Both laugh]

I was a Biker in Quebec

who ratted out my own drug suppliers!

I was a capo in the mafia who killed my own boss!

I knew you McDougal boys

had a dirty rat deep inside you!

Actually, mine's a hamster.

Say goodbye, Jimmy.

Protected witnesses are forbidden to fraternize!

Jacques!

Jimmy!

Jacques hot wife!

Why am I under house arrest?

Jacques' the one who started the bar fight.

Aw jeez, I just can't stop rattin' on people!

And I cannot have you making me look the fool

in front of my fellow officer.

Until Jacques testifies,

Slade wants you to stay indoors and be a good boy!

What am I, a puppy?

Metaphorically, yes.

So don't make me rub your nose in it

whilst hitting you with a rolled-up newspaper -

which I would never do in reality

as cruelty to animals is most un-Canadian.

Unless you're an Inuit seal hunter.

Then it's a matter of survival.

But I like hangin' out with Jacques!

He's the first cool friend I've made here in Vagina!

[Laughs]

Yeah okay, still kinda funny.

I'm sorry, Jimmy

but there's to be no more playdates

with your degenerate Quebecois bestie!

For Canada, where uneven population density

makes it's hard to meet new people!

As Ernest Hemingway once said:

[Sighs]

"This shotgun tastes like..."

[Gunshot noise]

Thank you.

[Applause]

I never understand what's going on at these talk-fights,

but we won, right?

Somehow.

Even though I pulled that argument out of my butt.

They don't seem to care what I say.

Your face is doin' all the work for ya.

That's ridiculous.

People aren't that shallow!

Sorry, I just kinda got lost in your eyes...

Theresa snap out of it!

Okay if you incest--

Insist! I meant insist!

Um, ew...

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[All giggling]

Are you wearin' a safety line?

'Coz those things are dangerous.

I need a favor, Jimmy.

Can you 'elp ol' Jacques?

I dunno.

If McCool finds out he might take away my TV privileges.

I need you to hide dis pour moi.

Just until Slade stops being such a, 'ow you say?

Ball-squeezer.

Ya mean ball-buster.

Not when Slade do it.

Better I don't say what it is.

We keep this entre nous, non?

I don't know what 'under noo-no' means.

But ya better be careful,

ya don't wanna get kicked outta the program.

Ah, who give a [bleep], eh?

[Sniffs] Oh, you just did.

Mmmm, somethin' smells...

[sniff] ...fun.

What do ya s'pose it is?

What? My crime-dar was tinglin'.

Bolivian marchin' powder!

Just lemme say,

I am so glad you're back in business, Pop.

I never really lost faith in ya.

It ain't mine, Gina.

So ya stole it? Even better!

Sorry kid.

Ah, ya rat bumstead stool chicken suck-a-butt-

Dammit!

I'm so mad I can't even curse right!

I can't have this garbage in my house.

We gotta give it back.

After we have a taste.

No! Ya dumbass!

If McCool catches us with it,

he's liable to send us right back to New York.

And the downside to that is?

What's Jack doin' at a rail yard?

Fingers crossed he's gettin' another shipment

of Sweet Mama Yeyo!

Get ready to hand this off to him.

Dammit!

What seems to be the problem offi-- HA-CHOOO!

I hope you have a good explanation

for being out of the house and following McFelcher around!

Mother Courage! I feel great!

You ever just feel great, Jimmy?

Yeah, I wanna order a bunch of Chinese food

and just stare at it!

Egg rolls! Egg Rolls!

We should drive to the coast!

And fast! Right? Really goddamn fast!

I swear, I could bench-press this SUV!

You want to see me do it?

I will effing do it, right now! Watch me!

[Screams]

[Grunts]

Oh, hey Slade. Just whaling on my pecs.

The devil's dandruff!

This is a new low, even for you, Strait McFool.

Shut up! Spot me! Count my reps!

Better yet... Come at me, bro.

Where the hell were you?

The dork patrol had a debate tonight!

Oh, right. Sorry.

I was getting a handy from the convertible chick.

You don't even know her name?

Don't need to. I'm good-looking.

Thank you, Botox.

There's more to life than being good-looking, Petey,

and as much as that isn't true,

this isn't you!

For once people are judging me not for who I am,

but for how I look!

And it feels great!

Now excuse me, I need to go buy a crap-ton of body spray.

I'm telling you, McCool, those were Jacque's narcotics!

Oh Balderdash, Jimmy!

I see what's going on.

You're jealous of McFelcher's freedoms!

No I ain't!

The guy's about to get himself kicked outta witness protection.

Funny, because that's exactly what you're doing.

Now where's Cheech?

I cleaned the car!

Got into all the cracks and crevices...

with a straw!

It's spotless now.

Jimmy, it's spotless!

Cheech, I have no choice but to put this on you.

No! You can't make me a robot!

Cheech! Stop it.

I don't wanna!

[Both struggle]

That is not funny!

Stop it. Hold still right now...

Stop it!

Oh, you guys are dicks.

Jimmy, you are de biggest badass!

[Laughs]

You don't just do de coke,

you make de arresting officer do it, too!

I love you guys!

Jacques, level with me,

you're up to somethin', ain't'cha?

Non, mon frère!

Then what were ya doin' at the train yard?

Did'ja join the circus?

Tell me ya joined the circus.

Alright, I tell you.

I got a thing for the train.

[Laughs]

Anyway Jimmy, I go now.

Ya believe that?

He ducked my question like you duck a subpoena.

He's plannin' a heist!

Before we do anything,

can we get some more Peruvian disco sugar?

Doesn't anybody just say cocaine for Christ sake?

I got the wobblies real bad,

and I'm startin' to hallucinate.

Ain't that right, Lonnie?

Who are you talkin' to?

Alright, ya wanna know

what he might be heistin' from that yard?

A lotta stuff comes through there.

Lemme check the manifest...

[Mumbles]

Wheat. Wood chips.

Somethin' called dildos from PEI.

It's so obvious!

Everyone needs Dildos!

Cheech, grab yourself a Methadone

from the mini fridge and shut up.

Thanks kid.

Methadone?

It's Sunny D. [Bleep] does he know?

A'right, what else we got?

Coal. Lumber. Potatoes.

Hey, wait a sec...

Maple syrup.

Why would he steal that? It's three bucks a bottle.

That's the knockoff crap Ma buys.

This is the Grade-A stuff they only tap once a year.

Kid's right.

Back in the day, the 'ol Amber Princess

was tearin' New York apart.

The Five Families walked away,

let the Frenchies have the whole sticky mess.

Get goin', that train hits Regina any minute now.

And I get points on whatever

ya steal off Pepe Le Puke.

Gina, we're not stealin' from him,

we're stoppin' him for his own good!

"For his own good"?

What happened to you, man?

Ya used to be beautiful!

I have no father.

How did I get an A+ on this?

I skipped class on test day.

I know.

Now what say we pretend you're 18, studsauce?

If I could move my face,

I'd look very interested.

Okay, if Petey's not gonna show.

One of us has to go up.

[Groans]

[Sighs]

Hi everybody.

I'm Theresa McDougal, thanks for comin' out tonight.

Okay, debating...

Um, I think the other team's points are all lame.

And they dress like dorks.

And, um, I do not know what is going on

with that one chick's hair.

I got this one, sis.

Thank God, I was runnin' out of argumations.

What made ya come back?

My teacher just touched me inappropriately.

Petey, I'm so sorry.

Oh no, it was great!

But I realized I can't be the kind of person

who cruises on looks alone.

But the touching? Top-notch!

God, I wish I had your pores...

What did you say?

My point exactly. Now, what's the topic?

What's a topic?

I'll begin by quoting Aristotle.

Where was I? Oh, yes...

[All gasp]

Aristotle once said...

[All gasp]

Sorry, I'll start again.

Aristotle once said...

[All gasp]

Ahh! It's like I opened the Ark of the Covenent!

Don't look at me!

Don't look at me!

See kids.

That's what happens to fornicators.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

There he is! Take the wheel! I'm goin' in.

What am I Burt Reynolds ?

Just take it! I'll climb out.

Do I take it and you go, or do you go and I take it?

What is the difference?

Crashin' into a [Bleep] train is the difference!

I'm goin'! You figure it out!

Ask Jack if he's carryin'!

Ahh!

Jacques, stop! Don't throw your life away!

You're a great guy, Jimmy, but I gotta fly free,

like de mighty penguin!

You're gonna get pinched!

And your English sucks!

Ya got a sweet deal here!

Why throw it away for pancake topping?

Because ten million dollars in maple syrup

is a lot sweeter deal, mon ami!

Ten million?

Jeez, I'd throw away one of my kids for that.

Metaphysically speakin', of course.

Hey, 'ow 'bout I give you ten percent for 'elping me?

After all, you and Cheech's clowning around

took da heat off me, mon chum!

Ten percent?

Okay, make it 15!Deal!

Okay-Alright!

Let's stop shovelling coal on dis diesel train

and shake on it.

[Horse whinnies]

What's dat?Aw crap.

You were right, Jimmy!

McFelcher was up to something!

How the 'ell did 'e find us?

He's a, uh, really good cop.

Your ankle monitor!

The one I put on your ankle to monitor you with.

It led me right to you!

Okay, I'll settle for five percent.

I guess I blew the debate.

How badly did we lose?

We won!

Jetsie totally stepped up!

Boy can he talk!

It was like watching a master at work.

And his Dutch accent! So sexy.

Sorry I was such a jerk.

Well, good looking people always get a free pass.

So... we're cool?

No! I said 'good looking'.

You're hideous.

Hey, Jetsie...

Looks like your witness was planning a caper

right under your nose, Slade.

What is this, Scooby-Doo?

Shut up, man.

Jacques, listen, I just wanted to stop ya

'coz I liked havin' ya around.

Can ya forgive me?

Non, Jimmy. Vas te faire foutre.

What's that mean?

"Go [Bleep] yourself".

Sounds so pretty in French.

Well Jimmy, you put yourself at great personal risk

to prevent a Maple syrup drought

in Western Canada.

Uh... No, that's not exactly what I was--

That's our story, Jimmy,

and we're bloody well sticking to it.

Gotcha. Hey, where's Cheech?

Ah, finally gettin' the help I need.

Your move, Lonnie.

Yep. I'm gonna make a full recover--

Hey that's my king ya sonofabitch!

Right there is why ya should never touch drugs.

You're right, baby.

Now let's go get hammered on Maple Syrup and Vodka!