Original subtitles

How ya doin'?

Back in the day, I made a lotta money

sellin' protection.

That's when someone pays ya not to hurt 'em.

It's like buyin' insurance,

'cept ya don't get nothin' in return.

Oh wait, it's exactly like buyin' insurance.

There was this one guy -

Don Gambini's wife's cousin.

The Don said we were allowed to collect protection off him,

but we hadda do it "nice".

I couldn't break his face, so I had to be creative.

But I was a wiseguy,

what the hell did I know about creativism?

[♪♪♪]

♪ "Gimme gimme gimme gimme MON-AY!" ♪

I learned how to play

this stupid thing for nothin'?

I got blisters on my fingers!

It's me stompin' on your head coz ya didn't pay protection.

Ya don't see it?

I thought it was a duck ridin' a pony.

Or a giant wang.

[♪♪♪]

[Laughs]

JIMMY: He was laughin' at me like I was some kinda clown.

So I figured I'd show him who the clown was...

It was me.

[Giggles]

That tickles. Haha! Stop it!

Ah, screw bein' nice! Let's go with Plan B.

[Shoes squeak]

Being creative is fine,

but sometimes ya just gotta kick some ass.

Well one thing ain't changed since Brooklyn.

You're still a [bleep] clown.

Gina, don't swear when ya insult your father.

Fugget about it, kid.

[bleep] you!

Don't tell me to [bleep] fugget about it!

♪ Lemme tell you somethin'

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ A "made" wise guy and a capo with Gambini ♪

♪ But then he found out they'd be whackin' Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He took his boss, he throw him from nineteenth floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long till the mob all wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the feds ♪

♪ The feds said they'd help if they can use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it!

Oh! Fugget about it!

Good morning, big boss man.

What are ya doin', Cook?

Just wanted to say I love ya,

and that you're the best husband in the world.

That's real nice, but...

this ain't exactly a good time.

[Fart and splash]

Cook, if ya want somethin', ya don't gotta butter me up.

How much do ya need?Forty.

Ya Frenched me while I was droppin' a deuce

to get forty lousy bucks?

No, forty votes.

I'm runnin' for VP of the PTA

on a healthy snacks platform.

I need ya to help me win.

By bein' nice... or with a bat?

Can ya be nice with a bat?

I don't wanna make a bad impression.

McCool? Why is Petey in handcuffs?

Your son was protesting

at the site of the new oil pipeline.

Hoh, Petey broke his cherry!

Good for you, kid.

Even if it was a candy-ass crime.

I didn't arrest him. I simply gave him a ride home!

If there's one thing Mother Canada respects,

it's an orderly protest.

Granted we don't listen to them,

but we damn well respect them.

I asked McCool to cuff me

so the other protesters would think I was cool.

What do ya got against oil?

How else are we supposed to lubricate engines

or maintain fine hairstyles?

To answer, I will recite

one of my incendiary poems on the matter...

Oh God! He's reading another one!

For Canada! Fill in the blank!

'But soft, what shame on yonder pipeline breaks

'Tis the government, trading blood for oil--'

Yow! Ow! Hot!

See Petey?

That's how ya get things done.

Readin' poems, singin' songs,

and wavin' signs are for pussies.

Ya wanna get ahead? Ya gotta have balls!

And ya gotta show 'em!

Like you are right now, big guy?

Oh, sorry...

Hello, friend.

Can Cookie McDougal count on your vote for the PTA?

Sorry. I'm voting for my husband.

Is that so?

Cheech, show her the incentive package.

Next time, your husband'll be in there.

My husband was in there.

Vote Cookie!

Do I have your word you're gonna vote for Cookie?

Uh, yeah.

Are those Cookie's?

What else am I gonna wear on laundry day?

[All screaming]

Not so fast. You votin' Cookie for the PTA?

Right this way, madam.

That's better.

C'mon Jimmy, let the kids out.

They can't even vote.

No, but their parents can.

Good point.

Woohoo! We did it!

We shut the pipe-line down for fifteen whole minutes!

[All gasp]

Don't engage the police!

We may have taken ballsy hardcore action

but we must remain peaceful!

[Gunfire]

Run for your lives!

They're gonna murder us!

Don't shoot!

But if you have to,

tell the world I wet myself after you fired.

Don't be silly!

We don't shoot suspects in Canada

unless they're mentally ill or don't speak English!

Those were mere warning shots

for interfering with the pipeline.

Pop said I needed to show more balls.

Well thanks to your balls,

I'm going to have to report you.

That means I'll have a record.

Ladies love a badass.

After nine recounts, it's my horror,

er, honor,

to welcome the new PTA Vice President,

Twinkie McDougal.

That's Cookie McDougal,

but thank you Mister President.

[Both cheer]

[Clears throat]

[Applause]

My first order of business

is to get rid of school vending machines

for the sake of our kids' health!

You suck!

Um, no.

You can't get rid of those machines.

They're a source of revenue

for after school sports programs.

Which kids wouldn't need if they stayed off junk food!

On that note, as President of the PTA,

I'm going to put you in charge of the vending machines.

So Cookie's in charge of the cookies!

[All laugh]

Take that, Snack Nazi!

Psst.

I heard on the grapevine how yer wife got elected.

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Oh, I'm not here to dangle yer chubblies over a fire.

I want yer help passin' Bill 158

through the provincial legislature.

Politics?

Do I look like a criminal to you?

Actually, don't answer that.

Too bad, I could pay ye from the public trough.

And it's a big trough, Jimmy.

How big we talkin'?

And what, if I may ask, is a trough?

Caramel-coated jelly butts?

Chocolate-covered cheese puffs?

Cheese-coated licorice nipples?

Why do these say

"for sale only in schools and mental hospitals"?

'Coz President Annabelle doesn't care

about good nutrition.

Ya know, this garbage is why

there's a child obscenity problem.

I'm [bleep]in' starvin'.

Ma, ya got any-- Ooh, jackpot!

Absolutely not!

No kid of mine is eatin' this junk.

Delicious junk! I could live on this stuff.

Young lady, if that's all you ate,

ya'd be so unhealthy that--

Annabelle would hafta ban these machines forever!

Challenge accepted.

Gina, that's so bad for you.

So are STD's,

but that doesn't stop you from gobblin' any old--

Eat your Fudge holes!

I'm proud to announce,

with the support of my enormous caucus...

Ha! Caucus.

That Bill 158 has passed!

How do ya like that?

We did our part to change the world.

The real satisfaction

is that we were paid a buttload of money.

Jimmy, I need to see Petey right away.

What'd he do? Hug a tree to death?

Worse.

The recently passed Bill 158

makes any environmental protest an act of terrorism.

Bill 158? Which I...

had nothin' to do with.

Of course, if you did you'd be a terrible father

because this new law means Petey is a terrorist!

I'm here to place him under arrest.

Uh, Jimbo.

Maybe some time in the big house

is just what the kid needs.

Sure, sure. Wait here, McCool.

We'll go get him for ya.

Take your time.

Let Petey cry it out before I bring him in.

If the other convicts catch him weeping,

they'll pass him around

like a pumpernickel bowl of spinach dip.

You know they took off right?

No, No they're upstairs right now

preparing Petey to face justice.

Uh huh.

Why am I so nalve?

How long are we supposed to stay here?

I'm claustrophobic.

I need my mouth guard,

and my Neti pot to clear my sinuses.

Kid, it's been two hours. Relax!

I don't know how you could stand

going on the lam in the old life.

It was tough.

Hidin' at the Plaza hotel under an assumed name,

doin' blow all day, surrounded by hookers.

God I miss it.

I got supplies!

You know, if you hadn't made fun of my lack of balls

I probably wouldn't be a wanted fugitive right now.

You don't know the half of it, kid!

We're the ones who rammed through the bill

that made ya a terrorist.

Aw Jesus, Cheech!

That was you?

In my defense, I got paid a lotta money.

Way to man up and fight for what's right, Pop.

You're nothing but a two-bit bag man

who sold out his own son.

At least he's not a Taliban.

Neither am I!

And I'm going to fight this like a man!

Whee!

That kid is a monster.

I dunno Ma, this junk food diet you got Gina on

feels like a bad idea.

It's just temporary.

I'm tryin' to prove a point for the greater good.

Did you feel that?

Felt like an impact tremor.

[Gasps]

Now I get why Pop and his guys were so big.

Someone messes with ya,

ya give 'em a little belly-buck -- Boom!

They're down for the count.

But you're turning into a whale!

Ah, zip it Skeletor.

You're nothin' but a chubby-hatin' Fatist.

Ma, this is child abuse

and I'm not gonna stand for it.

There, now you're not standin'.

Alright, we're conducting a hard-target search

of every road house, outhouse, chicken house,

and steak house in a three kilometer radius.

Actually, our target's a tree hugging enviro-terrorist,

so skip the steak house.

Meanwhile, I have a plan so crazy it just might work.

[Phone rings]

What took ya so long?

The vain hope you'd have a change of heart

and bring Petey back.

Ain't happenin', McCool. We're on the lam.

Ya can look for us but it'll be like chasin' the wind.

Keep lookin' for him!

Petey and I are shadows in the night.

Ya might get close,

but we'll slip through your fingers like smoke--

He just showed up.Dammit!

I'm surrendering peacefully, McCool.

Good for you, Petey, but Bill 158 is very specific.

I'm sorry to have to do this.

Do what?

[Screams]

"Die, you terrorist pig."

That's laying it on a bit thick.

But protocol is protocol.

What happened to you, McCool?

You used to be a servant of the people.

Now you're just a stooge for big oil.

If that's going to be your attitude,

you leave me no choice.

Me, me, me. Bee, bee, bee.

A box of biscuits. A box of mixed biscuits.

And a biscuit mixer.

Me, me. Good.

Here. You must be thirsty.

Thanks.

Well I'm thirsty for justice, you little punk!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it easy!

Can't you see the kid's scared?

Oh, he'll be scared all right.

When all he has is a toothbrush

to fend off his kill-crazy cellmate, Cannibal Dave.

What's happening?

Better play ball kid,

I can't control him when he's like this.

Just give me a lead pipe and five minutes alone

with this little twerp.

Are you playing good cop and bad cop?

Budget cuts, Petey. Work with me.

What the hell's goin' on here?

I was just about to tell Petey his only way out of jail

is to reveal the identity of his fellow terrorists.

Hear that, kid?

Tell these guys who your hippie friends are right now!

No!

Unlike some people in this room, I'm not a rat!

You sonofabitch.

No McCruel, don't!

I'm not gonna let some snot-nosed pantywaist

call me a goddamn rat.

He means me, McCool! Calm down.

Here. Have some water.

No one tells me to calm down!

I specifically said

I want the protection money in coins.

Now ya gotta pay twice--

[Snores]

Huh, wha?

Between these sugar crashes and my sleep apnea,

I'm dyin' over here.

Hey you! C'mere.

Get back here...

ya little... shit bird...

Poor needlessly obese child.

You need responsible adult intervention...

Ah, Thank God.

Outta my way, mooks!

Freakin' machine took my--

[Snores]

[Loud crash]

Um, hi.

I'm a vegetarian and I have food sensitivities.

Can you run me through any non-GMO menu options?

When I eat you alive,

will that make me a vegetarian?

I'm askin' for a friend...

Who I recently ate.

You mean whom I recently ate.

[Clears sinuses]

I'm going to run screaming now.

It's dinner time.

[Thunder]

PETEY: No, I'm still hearing 'beat you,'

but I think you mean 'eat you.'

Didn't your mother tell you it's rude

to talk with your mouth full--

Don't you talk about my mother!

[Chokes]

Hey! Hey! Spit it out!

Come on. Spit it out!

The skinny kid's whuppin' Cannibal Dave!

Finally, someone's standin' up to that psycho!

I think we got ourselves a new psycho!

I got ya! Now spit.

It. Out!

[All gasp]

Yeah! That's right! I'm crazy!

Anyone else wanna slice of Petey Pie?

Can you please pass the salt...

bitches?

Since we helped ya,

I thought ya might spring my kid

from the ol' felony resort.

Sorry lads, I don't negotiate

with the parents and uncles of terrorists.

What about aunts?

Say the word, I throw on a dress,

you and I hop a plane to Boca.

My boy might be a know-it-all,

a pain in the ass, and a god-awful poet.

But he ain't a terrorist!

The law says he is!

Me hands are tied.

A lady-friend did this last night,

but ya see me point.

That pipeline's a cash cow

and I intend to suckle her teat

'til me belly's full and me lips blister.

I see what's goin' on here.

Ya need a little incentive to change your mind.

Can ya break a ten?

Get outta me office!

Pleasure doin' business with ya.

Ya didn't do any business!

I got a whole ten spot says otherwise.

[Laboured breathing and giggling]

Don't ya think you've gone too far, Ma?

There's Japanese whalers circlin' the house.

Relax, Theresa.

A few more pounds and she'll be unhealthy enough

for me to call a PTA meeting.

Ya know, I'm gettin' sick of people talkin' about me

like I'm not even here.

It ain't like I'm hard to miss!

As soon as I get rid of those vending machines,

I'll give ya some carrots and you'll go back to normal.

Listen to yourself!

Whaddaya mean "normal".

Ya sayin' I'm not normal just 'coz...

Hang on.

'Coz I gained a few pounds?

I'm still me, ya know!

Jeez, get off your soap-box, kid.

Before it breaks!

[Both laugh]

Yeah, laugh it up at the fat kid, ya jerks!

I can still kick your asses.

As long as I lean on somethin' while I do it.

Aw crap.

And bring me some freakin' cupcakes!

Okay kid, time to tell on your little Jihadi friends

and come home.

No way. I'm not a snitch.

Wait a sec', how the hell are you still alive?

I followed the old adage

and kicked someone's ass on my first day.

Good for you kid. Who's ass?

This one?

No, actually Cannibal Dave here

got on the wrong side of ol' Psycho Pete.

Look at you with a prison nickname!

Are you puttin' me on? You beat up this guy?

Shame on you, Pal!

Cheech... drop it.

It don't add up.

No way a weed like you could take on this Palooka.

Am I wrong?

Can we drop it-- AGH!

Y'see, that makes sense to me.

Petey, just name names

before Cannibal Dave comes back for another helping!

I will not rat out my friends.

I have to take a stand.

Visitin' hours are over!

I was wrong about ya, kid.

Ya got bigger balls than I thought.

[Groans]

Need a painkiller?

No, you're sitting on my colostomy bag.

Now they'll see what vending machines do to kids.

Better hurry, Ma.

Annabelle's about to steal your thunder.

Irresponsible parents who don't care

what their children eat

are why I want to remove all vending machines

from our schools--

Don't you dare, Westminster.

I'm the VP of the PTA

and I've fed my kid

nothin' but vendin' machine junk food to prove--

You did this on purpose?

What kind of a mother are you?

Gina's fine!

She's been on a blissful sugar high for days.

Lower me down!

Fugget vendin' machines!

The real story here

is how you people treat overweight kids!

I think the real story

is the childhood obesity epidemic!

Go eat a sangwich, Boney M.

Maybe if you media jagoffs

stopped celebratin' people for lookin' like skeletons,

portly kids like me would-

Oh crap!

Run for your lives! Chunkzilla will kill us all!

[Car alarm]

Alright, we're gonna get ourselves busted as terrorists

'coz Petey needs help on the inside.

He better give me the top bunk or I'll cut him.

While we're at it, we'll hit O'Shea where it hurts.

Right in the pipe. Boost me up.

Once we're terrorists, do we gotta pay dues?

Either that is really shoddy workmanship

or we're the A-Team of wreckin' crews.

I love it when a plan comes together.

Cheech, no!

The pipeline appears to have been built

with substandard materials

as part of a kickback scheme

master-minded by Premier O'Shea.

Shame on the voters for electin' me!

The Judge agreed,

and fined everyone in the province 600 dollars.

The men who uncovered the plot had this to say.

Their faces have been distorted

for reasons that are none of your business.

We were, uh, just innocently walkin' by

when the pipeline broke.

And we didn't have to use the bomb or nothin'.

Sorry, I meant "or anything".

REPORTER: Bill 158 has been repealed!

Activists throughout the province

are singing "Yub Yub" and dancing like happy Ewoks!

You did it, Pop! You did it!

Thank God I'm getting out of here.

REPORTER: Unfortunately,

along with the pipeline being destroyed,

so too were the surrounding wetlands.

Dammit!

How's it feel to be a free man, kid?

We miss the quiet time in jail.

Don't we, Wilson?

Nice to see ya looking healthy again, Gina.

I miss my scooter.

You were hell on wheels, sweetie.

Another one died. Sorry, Petey.

"Oil-covered Avian, who hears your call?

I do. Ca-Kaw!"

Cheech! No!