Original subtitles

How ya doin'?

Ya know, back in the old days,

ya found out someone was gettin' whacked

after it was done.

You'd be all, "Hey, where's so-and-so?"

and everyone'd get all quiet like someone farted.

But with Cheech, I found out in advance.

It was the day I had four root canals.

Wiseguys ain't big on dental work,

but Cookie made me go.

Word came down from Gambini.

Cheech has gotta die...

[Muffled speech]

But I forgot where he lives.

I know, I'm a terrible friend!

Now where is he, so I can go kill him.

[Muffled speech]

What'd he say?

Quit stallin', Jimmy!

I promise I'll make it quick and painless for him!

...Okay, only one of those is true.

[Muffled speech]

What language is that, stroke victim?

JIMMY: I was tryin' to plead for Cheech's life -

and explain that I'd just been to the dentist,

but I couldn't get a word out!

[Muffled speech]

Oh, so this is where he is!

There's a good boy, Jimmy.

They didn't find Cheech, but they came away with somethin'.

[Men screaming and dentist drill running]

And that's why four out of five gangsters

never go to the dentist.

But if you think Canadian healthcare covers dental...

fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ he take the boss,

♪ he threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much longer 'til the mob want him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ The Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ so he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan. ♪

♪ Fugget about it! ♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it! Oh, fugget about it! ♪

[Laughing]

Then Mario says, "Which head?

I got a suitcase full of 'em!"

[Both laughing]

McCOOL: I knew as much!

As I settled in for an evening of whittling and CBC Radio,

I heard a report of two rowdies causing a ruckus.

Surprise, surprise, it's you two!

We ain't drunk enough to cause no ruckus...

NOW we're ruckusin'!

McCool, ya know what your problem is?

Ya don't know how to have fun!

I certainly do!

Why, just last week,

I snow-shoed across a barren, unforgiving tundra

to go ice fish-

[Snoring]

Oh, very funny!

Face it, you're boring!

Boring, eh?

We'll see about that!

Barkeep, fix me three Prancing Mounties!

[Gasp]

What's that, a girlie drink?

Certainly not!

Each ingredient of the Prancing Mountie

is culled from Canada's finest fermenters and distillers -

plus seven ounces of 180-proof Jamaican rum!

Yeah, girlie drink.

To Canada,

where point-zero-eight isn't the limit,

it's the minimum!

VOICE: Jimmy...

[Cough, groan] What happened last night?

Where the hell am I?

This place looks familiar.

[Groan]

Jimmy, how much did we drink?

I dunno. It's a blur.

I had a horrifying nightmare in which,

for some reason, we left Regina and...

[Gasp]

Ho-ly-shit-balls!

Joni Mitchell's Paved Paradise!

We're in New York? Why are we in New York?

You tell me! You're the detective.

This is clearly some kind of fever dream

brought on by last night's debauchery.

Here's what I'll do -

I'm going to will myself unconscious,

and when I awaken,

everything will be back to normal.

McCool, that's nuts! Ya can't -

Mornin', Jimbo!

We really tied one on last night, huh?

Ya made coffee?

Do you know where we are?

We're in New York. What are ya, stupid?

I had this nightmare we were in some

frozen craphole in Canada,

and our name was - get this -

"McGillicuddy!""McDougal."

Oh my God! It's the mountie from my dream!

Wait, no, this is the dream... or is it?

♪ [Dramatic music]

What does that mean?!

This is the end of my career!

I can't call for help. What would I say?

"I thought I'd take the Falcone boys to New York

to reconnect them with the people who want them dead?!"

[Phone rings]Oh, lovely.

That's probably work, wondering where I am.

So don't answer it.This is my work phone. I have to!

No ya don't!

Special Agent Strait McCool.

Oh, hello, Cookie...

Thank God you answered!

Jimmy went out for a beer last night

and didn't come home.

I'm so worried! What if something happened?

I don't know what I'd do without him!

Don't worry, Cookie,

he's, uh, with me!

He had a little too much fun last night.

Oh, I'm so relieved.

Now tell that useless, fat [bleep]

not to come staggerin' home until he's sobered his ass up.

'Cause I'm NOT dealin'

with a giant, sweaty man-baby all day!

Oh, and Cheech is also with me -

Don't care.

Jimmy...

is this your old house?

Yeah, it is. But how'd you know?

[Gasp]

I added the last part.

They always leave me out.

Why do I have to help clean out the garage?

I didn't do anything wrong.

Mom found cigarette butts outside,

so until the culprit comes forward,

we're all paying for it.

Only time I touch smokes

is when I buy 'em off a reserve

and sell 'em at the high school.

Gina, that's wrong!

If a 300 percent markup is wrong,

I don't wanna be right.

PETEY: Who's this guy with Mom?

And why does he look like me?

Maybe it's your twin brother.

That's impossible!

This guy's at least 20 years older than me.

Besides, THIS is what happened to Petey's twin!

Nom, nom, nom, nom!

Why would they make a flip book of that?

Prob'ly so ya can do this -

Bleugh! Bleugh! Bleugh! Bleugh!

Eww, talk about shame eating!

It would appear the parts of your house

that haven't been vandalized and/or used as a toilet

have been converted into a veterinary clinic.

That's 'coz this is a mob doctor's office.

Mob doctors are usually greedy,

money-grubbin' veterinarians.

No kiddin'!

Fifty G's for a baboon heart, and I can barely climb stairs!

Uh...

I think the doctor is in.

Did you do this, Cheech?

I didn't touch the guy! I leave 'em bloody, not naked.

Well, I didn't do it.[Clears throat]

I have no idea what happened,

but the good doctor

is wearing my handcuffs!

'Atta boy, McCool!Oh!

Yes, we can congratulate my decline into degeneracy later.

But right now, we need to focus on getting out of here before -

[Door knock]

Doc, it's Leo! Open the door!

Tutti got shot in the ass - again!

Oh crap! It's the Gambini crew!

LEO: Dino, kick it in!

Good day, gentlemen!

Who are you? Where's the regular doc?

I'm his, uh... brudda?

His brudda, huh?

And who are 'dese guys?

'Dese are... my interns.

They're, uh, deaf and mute,

so they won't be able to say a single word...

Not a single word!

Now, let's get the patient

into the, um, examining room.

Jimmy, what's wrong with you?

We're deaf and mute! Close your eyes!

Is the garage cleaned out yet, Smokey?

[Gasp]

What the hell are ya doin' with that?!

PETEY: I want to know who that is.

That's - That's none of your business.

Forget you saw it,

and do not bring it up in front of your father, ya hear me?!

But who is he?

Who is who?The man in the picture!

What picture? I don't see any picture.

There's no picture!

Dammit, my ring came off!

[Garburator grinding][Scream]

See what ya made me do, ya nosey bastard?!

Shouldn't ya clean any potential obstructions

around the abrasion collar of the contusion

so he don't get necrotic fasciitis?

I - I'm sorry, what?

Shave his ass, so hair don't get in the hole!

Oh, of course.

You two - Prep the patient!

You're quite knowledgeable.I grew up around here.

I've seen more shots in the ass than a Catholic altar boy.

Lookit these clowns, shavin' asses for a livin'.

C'mon Dino, let's go smoke!

Who's he callin' a clown?

Hey, I thought you was mute!

Nah, he's the deaf one.Oh.

So you're the mute?Exactly.

Got it.

Wait a minute -

We could argue all day

about who's mute and who's deaf,

but we really should be focusing on your ass, Tutti.

You - Focus that razor on this man's ass!

[Panicked breathing]

Thanks, Cheech.No problem, Jimmy.

Ya killed Gambini for me. It's the least I could do!

[Gasp]

Jimmy?!

Guys, get in here! It's Jimmy Falcone!

And Cheech!

Who do I gotta blow to get remembered around here?!

TUTTI: Guys, get in here! I got Jimmy Falcone!

Relax, gentlemen!

Tutti had a reaction to the anaesthetic.

He's fine now.

What was all that about Jimmy Falcone?

He's probably just upset about being in the man's former house.

Wait a sec -

How'd you know this was Jimmy's house?

Well, no one breaks into a random residence

and paints "Kill Jimmy Falcone" on the wall.

Just hearin' that stinkin' rat's name

makes me wanna kill him,

and kill anyone he's with -

and then kill a buncha other people,

on account'a bein' so keyed up!

C'mon Dino, let's go punch somethin'!

[Muffled shouting]

Quit floppin' around!

I'm sorry to have to do this.

Nice shot, McCool.

I'll see if I can find us a way out of here.

Cheech, put some stitches in Tutti's behind, will you?

Why?

What kind of pretend doctor would I be

if I allowed this man to get necrotic fasciitis?

Marone! Look at all these drugs!

Pick me! Pick me!

Don't worry, fellas. I'm gonna pick alla youse!

Yay!

I found something!

It's a long shot, but it might work.

Follow me!

Did you sew up the hole in his keister?

JIMMY: Yeah, both of 'em.

McCOOL: But there was only one... Oh.

Who are you?

How do you know my mom?

And what was your major at Harvard?

♪

♪♪

[Gasp]

Of course!

You're my father!

And that's what I'd look like with boobs.

[Unzips fly]

JIMMY: This is never gonna work!

What's the matter with you, McCool?

It's all I could come up with, Jimmy.

I'm a little stressed out, so cut me some slack!

JIMMY: Okay, sorry.

Where'd ya find this getup, anyway?

Just inside the door of an escape tunnel in the basement.

[Gasp] Calgary Stampede!

Let's go back!LEO: Where ya goin', Doc?

Say, that's a nice animal!

Wait a sec...

I don't remember seein' no horse inside!

Dino, shut up! Whatsamatter with you?

He's a vet, ya moron!

See, this is why you still live in ya mudder's basement.

MARIE: Leo, ya sonofabitch!

Where the hell have you been?!

Aw crap, it's Marie!

[Shudder] Remember Marie?

There's a piece of work. [Bleep]in' shoot me now, Jimmy.

What are ya doin' out here with these mooks?!

I bet ya forgot our anniversary, didn't ya?!

Hoh, baby!

'Course not!

I was, uh,

just talkin' to the doc here about...

your big surprise!

I, uh - No, you weren't.

Sure I was!

I was explainin' how, if ya didn't help me out,

I'd put you and your fancy [bleep]in' horse

in the East River

in small packages.

Oh yes, that.

This better be good!

♪ [Romantic music]

♪ [Romantic music]

[Panting]

Great, I'm back in New York,

and I don't even get to see it!

Ugh!

Smells like New York back here.

Ah, so you're the one who was smoking, Theresa!

You saw nothin'!

I guess it makes sense.

Everyone in this family is a big fat liar.

Who you callin' fat?

And who you callin' a liar?

...Wait, no, I'll give ya that one.

Now I know why I don't fit in -

Because the man in that picture

is my real father.

But you and Pop are so alike...

[Sisters laughing]

I can't even finish that.

Maybe this needle-dick is your father.

Does that make Petey a bastard?

Yeah, so nothin's changed.

Mock all you want.

I'm going to Harvard to find my dad!

Ha!

The guy graduated from Harvard. It's not like he lives there.

Yeah, the only people who live at their schools

are janitors and Harry Potters.

I know! It's just a starting point in my search for -

COOKIE: Is somebody smoking?!

It's Petey!

I knew it!Going to Harvard! Bye!

Ugh, this is the slowest goddamn horse in New York.

Somebody give it some hay or sumthin'!

[Gasp] [Radio chatter]

Yo doc, what gives?

Jesus H. Diefenbaker! Did we steal a plane?

LEO: You're killin' my anniversary here.

Tell the horse to go faster,

or someone's gonna be shavin' your ass tonight.

Help me out here!

What the hell's that?

Horse stimulant from the vet's office.

Jesus, Cheech!

Who finds random drugs and then just takes 'em?

I do, Jimmy. It's called livin'.

Well, don't get any big idea-

OW!!

I don't feel nothin'. I think that was a dud.

[Laughing]Yee haw!

Helluva thoroughbred ya got there, doc!

That gives me an idea...

♪ [Fanfare]

That horse better come up a winner,

or it's the glue factory for him,

the cement shoe store for you,

and the supermarket for me.

Killin' makes me hungry.

I think we can totally do this! I think we can totally do this!

Every moment of my life has led me to doin' this!

Let's do this!

♪ [Fanfare]

ANNOUNCER: It's a beautiful morning at Belmont!

The sun is shining,

the horses are ready,

and the great Canadian invasion

was a false alarm.

I don't know what you did at the park,

but do it again as soon as you hear the bell.

We took speed! Lotsa speed!

I never thought I'd say this,

but thank God for illegal drugs.

ANNOUNCER: In gate five, we've got Saucy Buckets,

and in gate six,

we have Obviously a Pantomime Horse.

That's the horse's name, folks, not a description.

It's good name!

♪ [Tense music]

♪ [Tense music]

♪ [Tense music]

♪ [Tense music]

[Starting bell]

[Groan]Did we win?

The important thing is, "Did we have fun?"

And no, we did not.

Dammit!

I needed that money to buy my way

out of this horrible life!

What did you just say?

I, uh, said...

Let's go put that stinkin' animal out of our misery!

That's what I thought you said.

Phew!

So this is Harvard...

I always wondered when you would realize the truth...

my son.

Father!

Come join my research team, Peter.

I'm developing a pill that cures Global Warming.

But how?

It makes human flatulence

refill holes in the ozone layer.

You said "flatulence."

That's Science for farts!

COOKIE: Petey...

Come home to Mama!

[Scream]

Mama, noooooooo!

I'll be your mama.

Okay.

Peter Frampton McDougal,

get off this bus right now!

I wanna meet my real father!

Keep this up and I'll see to it ya meet Jesus!

Now come on!

I always thought that if I died inside a horse,

it would be more... sexual.

That's Shaky Dino Bonzinni.

Guy can't shoot to save his life.

Keep movin' 'til he runs outta bullets!

Hey you, Silver!

Keep still!

Leo, you gotta see this!

Ya kill him yet?

How do ya like that?

The horse's got moves!

That gives me an idea...

♪

♪♪

So this is just a horse dancing...

for three hours?

[Crowd booing]

See what happens when ya gloss over rehearsals?

How could you think I'd have a kid

with someone other than your father?

Because I look so much like that guy!

[Sigh] He's your uncle.

My brother, Paulie - the brainiac.

You have a brother?

Why'd you keep him a secret from us?

Your father put him through Harvard,

but when he found out what Pop did for a livin',

Paulie ratted him out on a two-bit gamblin' thing.

Pop did a year in Attica.

Oh, so obviously Paulie's dead now.

Jimmy let it slide

as long as we never spoke of Paulie again.

YOU are definitely your father's son...

Mainly because you're both dopes -

and 'cause Paulie got picked up exposin' himself on the subway.

What a sicko, gettin' naked in public.

Weren't you once a stripper?

That was for money,

which is socially acceptable.

I told ya the script needed work!

We shoulda hired David Mamet.

And have the horse sayin' [bleep] and [bleep]

all over the stage?

No thanks!

We gotta retool.

Maybe do out-of-town previews?

Bottom line is the horse is done.

I'm replacin' him with Nathan Lane.

Obviously, A Pantomime Horse, your time is up.

It's gonna be horse steaks tonight, boys!

So this is how it ends.To be fair...

I knew we were dead after Rex Reed's review.

McCool! Where ya been?!

Not trying to get tickets for this debacle,

I'll tell you that.

But thank the Northern Lights you're still alive!

We won't be for long if you don't get us outta here.

Boys, I owe you an apology.

This escapade was clearly the result

of my trying to prove I was fun.

We owe you an apology!

You're a freakin' wild man!

Yeah, this is the best time I've had in years!

'Course I can't remember that many years - but still.

Thank you, gentlemen.

That means a lot coming from you.

Alright, let's mop up the circle jerk,

'cause we're in big trouble!

Buck up, boys!

We're going back to Canada.

Yeah, in a pine box.

No, the same way we came...

On the backs of Prancing Mounties!

I'm scared, Jimmy.Me too.

Who knows where we could wind up?

I'm on it!

[Groan]

[Gasp] We're home! We did it!

We dib id!

Where ya been, Pop?

I got drunk, dressed as a horse,

ran for my life - ya know, weekend stuff.

I did some stupid stuff, too.

Ya know what they say, Petey -

If you like my father, then you'll like my son.

That's not at all what they say.

Whatever.

You're the one with the brains.

[Sniff] Do I smell smoke?

It's probably Petey!

What's wrong with you?!

Don'tcha know smokin'll kill ya!

Alright. See ya later, Broadway.

And not a word of this to anyone, Jimmy.

For Canada, where -

Blaaaargh!