Original subtitles

How ya doin'?

You know me as a card carryin' ex-capo

from the New York mob.

Let the record show I'm also a hopeless romantic.

I met my wife the same way as a lotta people...

at work.

[♪♪♪]

See, Bobby Pelts was behind on his protection money

so we went over there to discuss "payment options".

[Screams]

I never let emotions get in the way of my job...

Until that night...

She was the classiest broad

I ever laid eyes on.

The face of an angel and a killer body...

I mean that 'figuraly'

and literally.

From that moment, I was head over heels --

I courted her through the arraignment,

trial, and sentencing.

And on visiting day,

she agreed to be my wife.

Yes, yes!

Now that we're in chilly Vagina,

we still know how to keep it hot.

Wait a sec.

How'd you sneak the engagement ring into prison?

He stuck it up his wazoo.

[All groan]

What? It was romantic. And kinda hot.

The ring, I mean.

On account of it havin' been crammed so far up his--

[All grunt]

Ah, Cook, fugget about it.

♪ Lemme tell you somethin'

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ A "made" wise guy and a capo with Gambini ♪

♪ But when he found out they'd be whackin' Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss he threw him ♪

♪ From the nineteenth floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long till the mob all wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the feds ♪

♪ The feds said they'd help if they can use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved t'Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it!

Oh! Fugget about it!

Aw, remember our weddin' day?

You looked so handsome stranglin' the DJ.

Happiest day of my life.

What about when we had the kids?

That's the day happiness died.

Thank God we sent 'em to...

Where'd we send 'em?

Summer camp.

Ya know, to get in touch with nature and crap.

I'd like to get in touch with your nature

if you know what I mean.

What the hell is this?

Ya keep an album of your stinkin' gumars

with our family photos?!

Cookie, I can explain!

Actually, I got no idea how this got here.

Hoh, you guys found my memory journal!

Those were the days, huh Jimmy?

Remember these two broads?

Twins, Jimmy. Double your fun!

And there's Sukie Blowsgood!

I still don't think that was her real name.

Jimmy, I know floozies on the side

were part of the old life,

but I don't need 'em shoved in my face!

And here's Patty Pontoons.

Boy did she ever have big--

--feet.

G'night Jimmy.

Uh oh. You made her quiet angry.

The kind where ya think she forgot

and them, bam! Your nuts are in a vice.

Baby, wait.

These memories ain't even mine.

I dunno what you did, Jimmy,

but think next time, okay?

I'm confused.

Where's the spa at this crummy freakin' resort?

There is no spa at summer camp, counsellor McDougal.

Counselor?

But I've never even been to law school.

I object.

Okay, to review our whistle signals.

[Whistles twice]

Means rabid cougar.

[Long whistle]

Means escaped manic with a chainsaw.

Now, who's ready for a hike through Cougar Canyon

to the abandoned mental hospital?

We're all gonna die.

Can you kids take of your boots

so my ride's not so bumpy?

Alright, time for some real fun.

Ya hungry? How about a shishkebab?

Ya missed!

No I didn't!

The raccoon's kids were in there.

Nice shot. Name's Carmine.

Gina.

What's a wiseguy like you doin' out here in the weeds?

Two months for pissin' off a juvie judge back home.

I guess you can't escape from the wilderness.

You're tellin' me. This place blows.

So let's mug someone.

Screw that. Let's mug everyone!

[Grunting effort]

Good! After screwin' up my weekend ya should move out.

No, I booked you and Cookie a romantic getaway.

Spared no expense...

got ya lotsa points on your credit card

for which you are welcome.

That's not gonna work.

She's so mad she's sellin' her weddin' dress on Ebay.

Look, I been married six times.

I know women.

Take her to this place in the country.

Make her feel special.

She'll melt like butter...

[Chuckles]

Hey, remember Butter Peccaro?

Nothing melted in her mouth, huh?

Cook, I'm sorry.

Lemme make it right and take ya away for the weekend.

Why don't ya take one of your bimbos?

Maybe Butter Pecarro's available?

Oh, Butter was always available.

Jimmy knows what I'm talkin' about!

[Chuckles]

Ah, shut up, Cheech.

♪ [Car radio]

Look, I just --

♪ [Radio gets louder]

I don't know how you idiots forgot that--

[Three whistles]

[Squawks like a bird]

--means hornet's nest surrounded by poison ivy.

I said, it's a loonie for number one

and a deuce for a deuce.

Or five bucks for both!

Yo' Carmine, gimme a sec

I gotta go make fun of my brother.

Hmm...

[Laughs]

Only you could come to summer camp

and catch the leprosy.

Gina, what's that boy's name?

What are you, a cop?

It's Carmine.

I think that's Carmine Gambini.

As in his father was Don Gambini.

As in Dad killed him Gambini

and that's why we're in witness protection Gambini!

You been drinkin' from the rusty fountain?

'Coz that's two bucks.

I'm telling you, that's him!

We were at his Christening!

I Christen thee, Carmine.

[Glass shatters]

C'mon, just 'coz he's from New York

and his pop worked in sanitation

and fell from a nineteenth floor window--

Oh my God how did I not see this?

You have to stay away from him!

What if you let it slip that Pop killed his father?

I don't let things slip. What am I, a Cheech?

You can't go near Carmine! Okay?

Stay away from him, he's trouble!

Carmine equals trouble!

Petey, if you're on your period be careful.

There's bears out here.

[♪♪♪]

Dinner at five.

Dress code in effect.

Enjoy your stay.

You hear that? A dress code.

Only the best for my Cookie.

Don't pin your hopes on any "undress" code

when we get upstairs.

You were informed of the dress code,

were you not, sir?

Of course I was! What are you, blind?

Ya believe this prick?

I guess he just knows a sleazebag

when he sees one, Jimmy.

Can we stop?

Let's not mess this up by bein' mad about the past.

Let's just enjoy tonight.

Whaddaya say, baby?

[Both gasp]

Oh, you sick motherfu-

I am amazed at the size of your freakin' balls.

Thank you.

To bring me to a swinger's party.

I had no idea, I swear!

C'mon, we're gettin' outta here.

Oh no we're not! Ya wanna swing?

You got it! I'm gonna powder my nose.

Try not to get anyone pregnant!

And order me the Tube Steak.

[Phone ringing]

Cheech residence.

JIMMY: You humongous idiot.

Hey Jimmy! How'sa weekend?

How the hell did you find this...

pervert parade?

Ad in a magazine, where else?

JIMMY: What'd the ad say?

Uh, "Couples only". Like you two.

What else?

"Loving environment".

Again, tailor-made for you crazy kids.

Okay, did you read the top of the ad?

Uh yeah.

"Mid-summer Bang-a-Palooza".

So, you two all made up?

Hello?

The other counselors are going to feel pretty stupid

at their makeout party

when they realize they forgot dish duty.

[Sighs]

I'm so lonely.

[Door slams]

[Gasps]

Oh, hey... C-Ca-amper.

I heard ya talkin' about me to Gina.

Oh?

Wanna hear a joke? Knock, knock.

W...who's there?

Orange.

Orange... who?

Orange ya lucky this ain't a bag fulla hammers?

Ow!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry about your dad!

What about my dad?

You know, how my dad killed your dad.

That's why you're beating me, right?

No, I'm beating you

'coz you told your sister not to hang out with me.

So... this isn't about your father?

Well, it is now!

Petey, can you whip up some snacks

for the makeout party?

[Gasps]

Ew! Is that pee?

Some of it is...

[Clears throat]

Your lack of nudity is making the other patrons...

uncomfortable.

Well we wouldn't want that, would we?

I can be just as adventurous

as your little New York skanks.

I'm goin' to the S&M grotto

to spank me an accountant.

That's it! I'm callin' McCool.

Special Agent Strait McCool.

McCool?

[Gasps]

Please tell me you're here to watch us.

Only if... That's what you're into.

Oh God. Don't come over.

I was nervous my first time here as well.

You can always use the safe word "Kumquat".

Last year it was "Harder"...

which we really should have thought through.

Isn't this stuff illegal? 'Coz it oughtta be.

Not at all!

Swinging is perfectly legal, consensual,

and quite frankly, beautiful.

Beautiful? There's a skid mark on this chair.

Don't panic, Jimmy.

You're free to walk out at any time.

Though I recommend staying

for Randy Mouthfeel, the Erotic Hypnotist!

Oh, the things he makes people do!

There's Cookie!

I'll go say hello--

[♪♪♪]

Lemme get this straight,

you thought takin' me to the Royal Pork Hotel

would make up for that photographic walk

down mammary lane!

There's nothin' to make up for!

That was the old life.

Well, 'the old life' was a two-timin' scumbag.

Ya know, I never heard ya complain about it

when you were sittin' pretty in Brooklyn

with a big house, fancy cars, and piles of money!

How dare you!

[Loud pops]

[Both scream]

[Both panting]

Well lookie here.

You folks done blew yerself a foursome.

There's a lotta that goin' around tonight.

Hop on in!

We'll run ya to the gas station.

So ya can introduce us to cousin Leatherface?

Forget it.

We'll just stroll back to the hotel

for some Kinky Karaoke.

Heh heh heh. Ow!

Pricked my finger.

You toldhim?!

What is with the men in this family?

You're all a buncha natural-born stool pigeons.

He beat it out of me!

Then he got angry... quiet angry.

The most dangerous angry of all.

Ya think they forgot then BAM!

It's Sonny at the tollbooth.

What's nice weather at a tollbooth got to do with--

Ya never saw The Godfather, did'ja?

No!

It's one of the many things I'll never get to do

after Carmine rats us out to the Mob!

I'm too young to die!

I'll never know true love

or learn advanced Klingon!

Y'know there's a connection there.

Leave this to me.

We'll have an ol' fashioned sit-down.

Oh thank God.

That's for squealin'.

And that's for never seein' the Godfather!

Hey, this ain't no gas station.

[Farts]

Now it is.

[Both laugh]

What the hell's goin' on here?

Well chubby man and red lady,

these here are my brothercousinfathersons.

So it's a "Deliverance" reunion?

Cookie, in these situations,

scatterguns trump wisecracks.

Lemme handle this.

What do ya want? Cash?

Credit cards?

Our skin to make a suit?

We're from a tight-knit community

in the Black Prairies of Northern Saskatchewan.

And y'all got somethin' we need.

You ain't gettin' nothin' from me, Hills Have Eyes!

Yeah you stay away from my wife--

Oh go bang a whore, I'm still mad at you.

Aw shucks ma'am, I don't know what yer thinkin',

but we don't want nothin' from you.

We want yer brother.

He's my husband!

Well excuse us Missus High Fallutin'.

Lookit me!

My husband ain't my brother.

I ain't got no blood disorder.

My head's a regular shape!

Whoop-de-do!

Shut up, will'ya!

Boys, show 'im we mean business.

Ow!

Easy, Mick. Yer too excited.

Well feller, you can either help us out,

or you can eat a buckshot salad.

I never thought I'd say these words

to a gang of horny hillbillies,

but please be gentle.

Hang on, hang on!

You idiots drove all the way from the Black Prairies

to get it on with this sack of crap?

Hey!

Wut? No ma'am.

Y'see, as of late we noticed

something real wrong with our young 'uns.

We reckon there's been too many cousins

and siblin's and whatnot makin' babies.

Bottom line is, our chitlins ain't right.

[♪♪♪]

Yikes!

Stands to reason,

we need a new swimmer in the ol' gene pool.

I don't think you hootenannys understand how this works.

I can't birth no babies.

We know! We ain't stupid!

Ours is a matriarchal society

and the womenfolk demand

to be babyfied forthwith.

Now the standards of beauty in the Black Prairies

might not be what y'all'r used to--

I love it!

After years of hot stripper-body bimbos,

you're gonna have to bump uglies

with a bunch of barnyard fuglies!

Ha!

[Whistles] Alright ladies!

He's a ready! Come on in.

♪ [70s porno music]

♪ [70s porno music]

Close your [BLEEP] mouth, Jimmy.

Havin' a sit-down in a boat was a good idea.

'Coz you're not allowed to stand.

Safety first. So...

you know who we are.

And you know what I gotta do.

And you know what I gotta do about what you gotta do.

And you know what I gotta do

about what you gotta do about what I gotta...

Aw Jesus, sit-downs are boring!

Wanna fight?

I thought ya'd never ask!

[Impacts and grunts]

I better intervene...

and call an adult!

[Imitating a chicken]

He's more chicken than I am!

[Whistles]

Three full whistles and two semis means stop fighting!

Come on, you guys!

I know they ain't pretty.

Just close yer eyes and think of somethin' sexy,

like a siblin' or barnyard animal.

It'll all be over before ye can say 'webbed feet'.

Find yourself another stud, toothless.

Uh, Jimmy.

You're gonna get us both killed!

I'm givin' ya permission!

Fer the record ma'am, we'll only hurt him.

You, we'll intergrate into our community.

Come on you've done it a thousand times

with Cheech and your crew --

Wait... You know what I mean.

Sorry, ain't happenin'.

Oh, I see!

Big stubborn Jimmy's gotta prove a point!

You're gonna feel real superior

when they turn your skeleton into a side table!

Now now ladies. Be patient.

We been out-maneuvered

in this round of the chess game o' reperduction.

So you're gonna let us go?

No ma'am. We're gonna hafta resort to science!

Bring in the do-dad!

[All laughing]

[Mechanical sounds][Both gasp]

[Mechanical sounds]

[Laughs]

That do-dad don't sound good.

Oh, it don't feel good neither.

Ow!

Stop it, you two!

You can't settle an old mafia vendetta with violence!

Ow!

I like you, but I can't trust you not to rat us out.

Wait... Do you like-like me?

Shut up.

Why would I rat you out?

I hate the mob.

Yeah right, and I'm gonna be Prom Queen.

I mean it.

When your Pop killed my old man,

the mob left us high and dry.

That's the mob for ya.

Wait a minute. What am I doing?

He's six-years-old! I can totally take him.

Gina! Tag out!

Ouch! Ooff. Bad idea. Terrible idea.

Gina! Tag me out!

[♪♪♪]

Look, the mob screwed me, I'd never help those jerks.

But I gotta avenge my old man.

I know, but you're not touchin' my old man.

He's a gafone, but he's alright.

Fine, but somebody's gotta die.

[Screams]

[Splash]

[Ducks quack]

Not Petey.

Too easy.

That would just make me sad.

How 'bout my Uncle?

Technically he's the reason for all this.

You don't gotta problem with me comin' after...

Cheech? Nah.

But I'm not gonna hand him to ya on a platter.

Ya gotta earn it.

Of course. There's no free lunch.

If you can find out where the Feds put us...

be my guest.

But is it worth all that trouble?

It is if I get to see you again.

Hey keep it down,

we got people tryin' to make out in here!

Okay, I'm gonna just come right out and ask.

What the hell is 'makin' out', exactly?

Don't look at me,

I don't know what those [BLEEP] animals do in there.

This here's the suck-nozzle.

The claw's painful, but essential.

Where the hell'd ya get that thing anyway?

Ebay.

I'm also biddin' on a nice weddin' dress

from Jimmyeatsballs69.

Jimmy, don't put yourself through this.

Just nail those broads, will'ya?

Do it for me!

No Cook, I never cheated on ya,

and I ain't about to start now.

If it means my Brajool gets chewed up

by that thing, so be it.

For Chrissake, cut the act!

It's no act.

All the broads back home were for show.

Part of my job as Capo.

I'd take 'em to dinner and drop 'em off after.

No messin'.

Really?

Since the day we met, Cook, it's only been you.

Oh, Jimmy...

Alright, let's do this.

Wait!

I got a better idea!

Step right in ladies!

And don't forget to sign up for Kinky Karaoke!

Sorry gentlemen.

The swinging community

has a strict "no unaccompanied men" policy.

Aw, I wanted ta see the sex rest'ernt.

For Canada!

A country so freaky our national animal is the beaver!

We still got a room here.

Wanna hit the sheets?

Nah.

Let's steal a car and go home.

I hate the [bleep]in' country.