Original subtitles

How'ya doin'? Jimmy here.

You know my story by now.

Most of it's even true.

Thing about wiseguys

is we hardly ever told the truth.

By hardly ever, I mean mostly never.

We lied to everyone:

cops, judges, our wives,

and mostly each other.

We lied so much

we didn't even know we were doin' it!

Yo Jimmy, these biscotti got almonds in 'em?

Nah, don't worry about it.

[Gags]

Ya need a doctor?

Nah, I'm good.

JIMMY: Lyin' came so easy

that the truth was frowned on.

Like the time Johnny Forthright came to town.

Hey, Jimmy!

With that gut, you're beggin' for a heart attack.

JIMMY: Now there's a reason wiseguys never tell the truth.

'Cause who wants to hear that crap?

Then Johnny comes along with his mouth

and suddenly I'm so worried about my weight,

I had what the doctor called

a mild cardiac incident.

[Gasps]

Once I got outta the hospital,

I reminded Johnny that the truth hurts.

Then I --

--did not wipe the sidewalk with his face.

[Both chuckle]

Anyway, now that I'm in witness protection,

I'm still livin' a lie,

except this one's legit.

And you've never looked slimmer!

What? Goodfellas ain't the only ones

who can lie their freakin' asses off!

Hoh! Fugget about it!

♪ Lemme tell you somethin'

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ A "made" wise guy and a capo with Gambini ♪

♪ But then he found out they'd be whackin' Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss, he threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long till the mob all wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the feds ♪

♪ The feds said they'd help if they can use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved t'Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it!

Oh! Fugget about it!

RADIO VOICE: Blue Tiger, you clear?

Clear.

RADIO VOICE: Take the shot. Take the shot!

JIMMY: Who is it?

Puh... pizza...?

COOKIE: Ooh... If someone ordered pizza this late

it's their ass.

They didn't order pizza! Repeat, did not order pizza!

RADIO VOICE: Pull back! Send in the robot!

It's Halloween already?

What the [BLEEP] are you s'posed to be, kid?

Oooh!

RADIO VOICE: He didn't take delivery!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Jimmy McDougal, you've been duly served!

15 guys and a freakin' toaster to serve a summons?

Can't take any chances, sir.

Not since last year's potty mouth incident.

You Canucks are pussies.

Ahh! Harsh language alert! Fall back!

[All scream]

I don't remember gettin' these tickets!

Public urination?

Drunk and disorderly?

Dunkin' Donuts?

Oh, that's a receipt.

Six grand in parking fines?

Oooh...Not so fast, Cheech!

Did you get these tickets and use my name?

Yeah, but don't worry.

I burned 'em all.

'Member, the whole garage went up?

That was you?

Technically, it was the oily rags

I tossed the burning tickets onto.

Do you gotta wreck everything you touch?

Yeah, like the skylight

he tried to put in the bathroom?

The fresh air helps me go.

Or the ceiling fan he installed last--

Oh!

So I goofed up! It happens!

It happens every day with you, ya bum!

[All gasp]

Who are you callin' a bum?

I'm callin' you a bum, Cheech!

Ya ruined my old life and you're mooshin' the new one.

And ya know why?

'Coz you're a screw-up and you're a bum.

And that's the truth of you.

Cheech, you okay?

Huh, I'm fine.

It'll take more than that

to bring ol' Cheech down, whoa...

How could they say them things about me?

I'm not some kinda moron...

I know I'll pay the tickets,

Jimmy'll lend me the money-

Oh right, he thinks I'm a bum.

[All gasp]

[Screams]

Maybe they're right? What good am I to anyone?

Help!

My husband's trapped in that fire!

Shut up! I'm tryin' to think here!

Ma, ya gotta sign this so I can

get vaccinated at school.

You can't let them pump Gina fulla autism juice!

Uhh... The link between vaccines and autism

has been roundly rejected

by the medical community.

Ooh. The "medical community".

What about the community of celebrities

who know how to raise perfect kids?

Yeah Petey, if they didn't know

what they were talkin' about,

they wouldn't be published in the pages

of Celebrity Minutiae magazine.

But they won't let me go to school

if I don't get them shots.

Then I'll learn ya at home!

I'm not takin' chances with your health.

But you'll risk her catching rubella

or whooping cough?

Oh, don't make up diseases, Petey.

Urgh!

I got ya outta school! You're welcome!

What you don't get, brainiac,

is when I miss school, I lose business.

And when I lose business, I get dark impulses.

So you're gonna take care of my business.

What's in it for me?

I won't break your nose.

Throw in my arm and ya got a deal.

Wakey, wakey!

Canada has plenty of freshly-painted

substandard housing for people like you.

Move along, my downtrodden friend!

Just soak me in gas

and light a match, McCool.

Mordecai Richler's Legacy, Cheech!

This isn't about Jimmy's parking tickets, is it?

Sure is.

Could ya pull a little magic act

and make 'em vanish for me?

One can't simply vanish parking tickets.

One pays them.

And if one is so inclined, one pays them in advance.

This one guy sounds like a jagoff.

Could a jagoff do this?

Hoh! Now do that six thousand more times.

It's a bus token, Cheech!

You could always go to City Hall

and fight those tickets.

It's your right as an honest citizen...

Well, citizen.

I'll do it!

I represented myself in court for littering once.

Talked 'em down to a six year stretch.

Then I'll leave it

in your marginally capable hands.

For Canada!

Where we still believe in magic!

[Sighs]

Looks like someone misses Cheech.

Me? Miss that bum?

Not a chance.

Why? Did he call? Not that I care.

If he called I'd tell him to go back to Bumtown,

or wherever he's been the last coupla days...

Did he call?No.

I'm goin' to bed.

You stay here pretendin' you don't regret

the awful things ya said to him.

Pop, this is weird.

It ruins it if ya talk!

Is your boss around, sweetheart?

I gotta talk to him about some tickets.

Hoh, a lady Mayor!

How about we ram a few motions

through your council chamber?

♪ [Sultry saxophone]

I was thinkin' your Honoree,

since I did ya a favor.

Three by my count. Maybe you could do one for--

[Gasps]

Madone!

Aw, sweet lady.

She died doin' what she loved...

Screwin' the people.

I'm worried.

I said some completely accurate things

to Cheech that he totally took the right way

and I ain't seen him since.

Last I saw, he was filled with vim and vigour,

ready to fight those tickets in court.

So don't worry, Jimmy.

Jimmy!Cheech!

Great news!You paid the tickets?

No! I'm runnin' for Mayor!

Rob Ford's big red face!

I did not see that coming.

And you're sure the Mayor was alive

during your... octegenarian boot-knocking.

I may be a lotta things, but I ain't no necropalegic.

Alright, then it was natural causes.

More or less natural.

But you running for her job is out of the question!

Especially over parkin' tickets!

It's more than that!

I gotta do somethin' with my life

before it's too late.

So I'm runnin', McCool,

runnin' like a cokehead's nose.

Get ready to catch a serious dose

of election fever

because the Mayor is dead!

Oh, That's good copy, Carl!

Oh, Candidates throwing their hat into the ring

include Premier Mickey O'Shea,

who's running on a "Why the Hell Not?" platform.

Former strip-joint manager Pierre Le Shwa-Shwa,

who's French. As if!

And area man Cheech McDougal,

who promised "Pizza Fridays"

every day of the week.

What do ya think of me now?

You're a drunk and you didn't finish high school.

I think you got a shot!

Are you insane?

Witness protection rules

strictly forbid running for office!

So kick me out!

When I'm mayor,

I'll have a whole police force to protect me...

and get me lunch.

I get you're excited

but there's no way in hell you can run for mayor.

Alright then...

[Chokes]

Strange.

Neither of us tried to stop him.

I had no confidence in that fan.

What's your excuse?

Wow you just say Gina's name

and they shower you with money.

[Gasps]

Here I'll take care of that.

I'm the substitution teacher.

And I'm a nurse.

I bet none of you

want to get a big ol' dangerous needle, do ya?

[All murmur]

[All cheer]

I think I found my calling.

Saving the children...

Please don't touch me.

Why are you here?I skipped work.

Me and McCool are takin' Cheech out to cheer him up.

What are you doin'?

Ma's home-schoolin' me 'coz I ain't vaccinated.

After this I gotta unload the dishwasher for "Home Ec."

Is Cheech ready to go see some strippers!

Oh, hello Gina.

Cheech said he was goin' to the election rally.

I guess he meant erection.

Election rally? Jimmy let's go!

COOKIE: Gina, time for gym class!

We're playin' hang-the-laundry.

[Groans]

Shwa, shwa, economic growth.

Shwa, shwa, anglophone pigs.

[Applause]

What do ya think Cheech is up to?

God willing, a public withdrawal.

Sounds dirty.

[All gasp]

♪ [Low synth]

[Applause]

I'm not one for long speeches...

so thank you and goodbye!

Oh wait, I forgot the thing!

Hang on, watch this.

Not tonight honey.

I have a...

Oh, I just don't love you anymore.

That's marriage for ya.

But don't worry, pal, I got ya covered.

Hi, I'm Cheech McDougal.

I been all over this great city...

well, maybe not "great".

Face it it's a [BLEEP]-hole.

Anyway, I been talkin' to folks all over Vagina,

and while I can't remember any of them conversations,

I know what people want.

And that's... uhh...

Sex.

If you're poor or ugly, which is most of ya,

sex is hard to come by.

But not anymore!

Today I give you

The Affordable Orgasm Act!

Hey!

Don't worry.

Under my Universal Prostitution plan,

the government pays for it.

In that case, can I have one too?

You bet your ass, ya can.

And on election day, bet your ass on me!

I'm Cheech McDougal and I approve these whores.

[Applause]

I know what you're gonna say.

But I was on my way to quit

when the mailman showed up.

Mail-person, we're in Canada.

I'm pretty sure Gloria's a man.

Anyway, he had a bag fulla donations

for my campaign.

The people have spoken and they want me!

Ya sure ya heard 'em right?

For the first time in my life, I'm not screwin' up,

I'm gettin' it right!

And I owe it all to you.

What?

Ya gave me the kick in the pills I needed.

You're not just my nephew, Jimbo,

you're my best [BLEEP] friend.

And one more thing, Paisan...

[Chanting "Cheech"]

Can ya tell this is a hairpiece?

And that's why eating mashed up insects

is good for the environment and your complexion.

Someone's gonna have a healthy glow tomorrow!

[Coughing]

Oh no, you're all gettin' sick.

Thanks a lot GMOS!

Okay, everyone eat these donkey placentas.

They ward off sickness and dark forest fairies.

Waldo, make sure to chew.

[Burps]

[Applause]

Oh!

My superiors are threatening

to have a beaver chew me a new one.

It's little consolation

that I get to choose the beaver.

No one back home is gonna mistake

that Elvis-lookin' Huggybear for Cheech Falcone.

Besides, there's no way he's gonna win.

Yeah, what's the harm in lettin' him lose?

It'll be good for his self-esteem.

But the opposing candidates

will make mince-meat out of him.

C'mon, Canuck politicians don't take the gloves off

like they do down South...

Do they?

You tell me.

This footage, provided by the O'Shea for Mayor Committee,

was filmed at a Cheech McDougal campaign stop.

'Course I'm a feminist!

My dinner ain't gonna cook itself.

What the hell's an L.G.B.T.Q?

Some kind of [BLEEP] sandwich?

But, if I slip one past the goalie,

then I'm pro-choice.

Hey, you filmin' this?

There, now the kids can see me do this in one snort!

See McCool, he don't need to quit.

His big mouth's gonna mess this up.

Public reaction to the Cheech McDougal footage

has been swift.

I like Cheech.

You really know what you're getting with him.

Yeah! He speaks his mind.

Like, it's confusing, but, like, he speaks it!

[Giggles]

It's high time we got our own sandwich!

McDougal's numbers have soared, giving-

What is wrong with these people?

This video is just the beginning!

They're going to dig into Cheech's past

and do you know what they'll find?

A lotta dead bodies?

A man who up until a few months ago

did not even exist!

[Phone rings]

Yeah?

SHADY VOICE: I have been digging into Cheech McDougal's past...

Whoa.

I got no idea who you are,

but McCool was just talkin' about you!

You come alone?

My wife usually helps me, but that's not what you meant.

I cannot shwa reveal

my shwa, shwa, identity, shwa.

C'mon out, Shwa shwa.

How did you shwa shwa it was me, Monsieur Jimmy?

Call it a hunch.

I did some digging on Monsieur Cheech.

What I found was most shwa shwa.

Cheech forgot to sign his nomination papers?

Even if he wins, he can't be mayor shwa.

His campaign is as illegitimate

as my shwa shwa children.

Can you imagine?

He had it in his grasp!

And he shwa-ed it up!

So, you're blackmailin' us?

Eh me? Non non! I like you guys.

I give Monsieur Cheech the shwa

to save himself from the suicide-inducing

embarrassment of this blunder!

Nice of ya, thanks.

If it were me,

I would light myself on fire

and shwa in front of a train.

Yeah, I get it. He's a dope.

Then no one would have to shwa

upon my corpse and say,

"Here lies the stupidest shwa on earth."

Okay, enough!

So can I shwa on your vote next Tuesday?

Now that Cheech is ineligible to run,

we're in the clear, Jimmy.

Why the frown?

'Coz I still gotta break the news to the guy!

So what? It's his own fault.

Exactly!

I called him a bum and a screw-up

and it almost destroyed him.

If I tell him he screwed this up,

I don't know what he'll do.

Hopefully kill himself.

In the old life

you were never supposed to truth someone.

What if I 'truthed' all you guys?

What if I told Petey

sometimes I wanna punch him inna face

for bein' such a goofy little know-it-all.

Or if I let McCool know I think his horse

has more personality than he does?

Suppose I told Gina here

that Theresa's actually my favorite?

Or if I told Cookie--

Watch it!

I gotta let Cheech down easy.

Make him think quittin' is his idea.

This is gonna be harder

than sittin' through a Canadian movie.

Least at the end, I'll know what happened.

But depressing, confusing cinema

no one cares for is our national heritage!

So watch out for Big Parma.

They want us to waste money on medicine

and cheese when we should really be using it

to make sure blockbuster movies

have solid opening weekends.

Run! Big Parma!

♪ [Cinematic music]

I didn't teach you, kids...

You taught me.

[Sighs]

Can we stop by the office? I wanna get a reference.

[Stomach gurgles]

Hey Jimmy.

Ya want a lucky rabbit's foot for election day?

Nah, I'm good.

So, ya gonna pack your bags?What for?

Come next week,

we're all movin' to the Mayor's mansion!

Bring a chainsaw.

That place needs more skylights.

[echoes] Pack your bags,

pack your bags, pack your bags.

Actually pal, we are movin'.

Now that you're gonna be mayor,

McCool's relocatin' us.

I don't think they'll let me be mayor

from some other town.

No, you're stayin' here.

And I can't even tell ya where we're goin',

'coz you're not in witness protection no more.

Anyhow, I came to say goodbye.

You're gonna make the best Mayor

this town's ever seen.

And from what I hear, the youngest.

You're leavin'?

I'll never see you, Cookie, Theresa,

Gina, or whatsisface again?

Yeah.Sorry...

But I got everyone rabbit foots!

[Applause]

[Chanting "Cheech"]

Thank you.

Thanks.

I appreciate it.

Okay. Shut up!

Seriously shut the [BLEEP] up!

[Mic feedback]

I can't do this.

Bein' mayor means I lose my family.

So I'm out.

Awww, he's a family man!

[Applause]

'Sides, all I'm gonna do is fleece the city dry,

then burn the joint down for insurance.

But there'll still be free prostitutes, right?

Yeah, for me!

Dont'ya get it?

Just 'coz you like me

is no reason to vote for me!

I got no idea what I'm doin'

outside of robbin' you [BLEEP] holes blind.

Finally! An honest politician!

[Chanting "Cheech"]

It's like talkin' to a wall!

Alright, that's it!

I'm gonna break all of you's thumbs!

C'mere you!

Oh you want one?

Alright! Stop smiling!

Hey Buddy get outta the way,

I'm tryin' to hit your wife!

They just kept cheerin' for me!

Even when I had a handicapped kid in a headlock.

No offense, but voters are stupid.

Hey, the election results are in!

Pierre Le Shwa-Shwa

narrowly edged out Mickey O'Shea

to become the next Mayor of Regina...

That crazy Puerto Rican

wants to keep Universal Prostitution alive.

I gotta get a taste. I wrote that legislation.

I'm sorry I truthed ya, Cheech.

It's okay.

Just do me a favor and we're even

help me pry this rug off.

I stuck it on with hot glue.

Yo airhead, ya got my money?

No, but I have blisters on my tongue

and I think I pooped a kidney.

That's it!

I don't care what Hollywood says,

we're gettin' our shots.

Kids, roll up your sleeves.

McCool, drop your pants.

But I have all my shots.

I said Drop 'em!