Original subtitles

How ya doin'?

If you're like me, you could use some time off.

In the old life, it was never easy for me

to take a vacation.

Bookin' on points is so freakin' complicated,

plus I had to leave Cheech in charge.

[Sighs]

[Phone rings]

Son of a!

Cheech, ya better be on fire or dead.

And if so, how are you calling?

CHEECH: Jimmy, I'm locked outta the club!

JIMMY: What are ya botherin' me for?

Call Fats and get the other key!

I can't. He's locked inside.

[Phone rings]

[Inaudble phone chatter]

Whaddaya mean you and Fats are both locked in?

I was on the roof. There's a skylight.

The rest is a blur.

But, it's not our club.

What?

CHEECH: Someone's here. I gotta go.

Turned out to be the Spumante family's club.

Cheech didn't want to pay for the skylight he broke,

so he just up and shot everybody.

Around the neighborhood they still call it

the "Jimmy's Trip to Aruba Massacre".

I always called it

the "Fats is a Big [BLEEP] Crybaby Bloodbath".

God rest his soul.

Now that I'm in witness protection

it's like a permanent vacation.

At a two star resort where everybody says,

"so-rry," all the time.

We've only had one vacation

from this apologetic iceberg of a country.

And was it worth it?

Fugget about it!

♪ Lemme tell you somethin'

♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ A "made" wise guy and a capo with Gambini ♪

♪ But then he found out they'd be whackin' Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ So he threw the boss out of his nineteenth floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long till the mob all wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the feds ♪

♪ The feds said they'd help if they can use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved t'Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it!

♪ Fugget about it!

Oh! Fugget about it!

Jimmy get in here!

I got the dirty little bastard cornered!

What is it, a mouse?

Nah!

It's one of Theresa's boyfriends tryin' to sneak out!

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

No sleepovers, kid.

That's it? You're lettin' him go?

Take him out back and explain the rules to his face!

Ah, Cook, who gives a crap?

I'm free! I've been in there since...

Ah, my eyes!

[Screams]

Look at him, McCool.

He's depressed!

Snap out of it!

Ya got nothin' to be depressed about,

ya useless sack of garbage!

Pop, if ya decide to slit your wrists,

have some courtesy

and do it in the bathtub.

Ya need a gun, slugger?

Take McCool's.

I'm not wipin' your brains off mine.

Nah, Jimmy'll go out like a wiseguy.

Suckin' an oxygen tank in prison.

Sweet Mitsou's Cowboy!

Jimmy's under the moon,

and you're all making morbid jokes!

Clearly Canada's character building mid-winter gloom

is affecting all of you.

But I have a solution.

Please say therapy... Please say therapy...

A vacation!

Oh, come on!

Hear that, Jimmy?

We're goin' on vacation!

Yeah right.

Knowin' McCool, it'll be a day trip

to Lake Who Gives A [BLEEP].

For Canada!

Where everyone needs

to get the hell out once in a while!

[All gasp]

Don't move, you Capitalist Pigs!

I'm taking this plane to Cuba!

[All gasp]

Just kidding!

Welcome to Cuban Airlines.

I'm your pilot, Brad.

That's just a little thing we do to lighten

the mood around here.

Enjoy the flight!

McCool, ya said vacation,

not bein' babysat by a Fed in a Communist hell-hole.

But Cuba's perfect!

There's literally no chance you'll be spotted by the mob.

Then why you comin' with us?

I need a vacation from all things Canuck

or I'm gonna lose my freakin' mind!

Oh... Of course.

I just thought we could, you know... "hang".

The whole point of this was to stop me from hangin'...

myself.

No problem, Jimmy.

I won't get in your hair.

For the next week, ol' Strait McCool's

gonna be all about rest, rejuvenation, and relaxation.

How can you relax in a country that treats people so bad?

Every country has its share of human rights violations...

Except Canada, of course.

Yeah, no, you guys are awesome.

I ain't seen a Cuban since that thing

we did not do in Dallas.

Now 'scuse me, I gotta go kill Kennedy -

I mean take a leak!

I can't wait to take in the music, culture,

and revolutionary atmosphere of Cuba.

The people's paradise.

Shut up Trotsky.

[Knocking on glass]

Kid, get the waitress to open the door!

"Bienvenido a Cuba!

Liberated from American business interests

and Mafia-controlled casinos since 1959."

Commie Sonsabitches.

Y'know, I ran one of them casinos down here

back in the day.

I banged so many Cuban broads

they gimme a nickname:

"Don Juan de Gonorrhea".

How old were you?

I dunno, twenty? No, ten!

Look around Jimmy, Cuba's a paradise!

[Giggles]

That's enough!

You're not leavin' my side for the next week.

Ma, he's a nice Canadian boy.

He's French-Canadian.

He'll have your panties off faster than you can say--

--I tink de word you're looking for is "wow".

Gimme those back.

I should mention, and I know this from experience,

do not drink the tap water here

lest you get a porcelain-shattering case

of "Batista's Revenge".

Huh?

[Stomach gurgles]

Oh!

[Farts]

[Groans]

Wanna go for a dip in the pool?

Nah, too many German tourists.

Hoh! It's the Bay of Pigs!

Jimmy, lighten up. Cuba ain't so bad.

It ain't so good either.

Where's Gina?

I'm supposed to watch her in case she drowns...

somebody.

She's probably over at the kids club.

[All scream]

Ah, to be a child again.

That no-good quack won't even look at Petey

unless I buy a timeshare!

Petey's going to have to ride it out.

[Farts]

Escorpión azul...

Escorpión azul.

[Farting]

Ma, I think he's tryin' to tell us somethin'...

Cuba is home

to the legendary Blue Scorpion.

Reputed to cure everything,

from cancer to diarrhea.

[Farts]

But Petey, we can't go into a dangerous jungle

just 'coz ya got fizzy gravy.

Mom's right. I'll be at the pool.

How does he do that?

On second thought, we're goin'!

Why should Petey suffer?

This vacation sucks.

So long as you don't!

Gina, what are ya doin' in here?

I thought you'd be out sellin' black market bibles.

Y'know there's a swim-up bar.

Ya don't even gotta get up to go to the john.

What's this?It's nothin'.

It's a porno machine Jimmy. Don't ya know anything?

Gimme That! Mind ya business.

Greetings fellow Americans.

I represent the five families of organized crime.

Who do not exist.

We've joined forces with our government

to encourage patriotic sociopaths, like you,

to eliminate the Communist leader of Cuba.

If successful,

you'll be granted super-Made status

and be untouchable by the mob.

You'll also get

a lifetime Presidential pardon from the Feds.

Ain't that right, Jack?

Act fast and we'll throw in a free lobotomy

for your yappy Missus.

[Moans]

How did you know about this?

How did you not?

It's been around since the sixties.

So you're gonna kill Castro?

Look who just clued in!

Are these guys gonna [BLEEP] or what?

So once we take out El Presidente

we can go back to New York!

No way. I'm doin' this alone.

When you and Cheech get involved,

things always go straight into the crapper.

She's got a point, Jimmy.

Sometimes you're a real screw-up.

Ya can't do this alone!

You'll wind up in Cuban jail

with all the poets and playwrights.

It'll be so boring.

Cut the act, Pop.

If we're gonna get our old life back by killing a guy,

let's do it together like a family!

Fine!

But I'm not takin' a backseat on my own caper, kapeesh?

[Grunting effort]

You were sayin'?

One day I'll be taller,

but you'll always be a fatass!

Let's go.

[Screams]

What am I doin' here?

We're supposed to be on vacation,

not out in the sticks huntin' down an insect!

Keep lookin'!

Extremely rare Blue scorpions can't be that hard to find.

I see one!Where?

On your arm!

[Screams]

Get it off, get it off!

[Screams]

[Panting]

Are you kiddin' me?

We had one and you went and killed it?

[Sighs]

Petey, we're not campin' here!

Get outta the sleepin' bag!

Alright, we only get one shot at this.

How do ya know he's in there?

'Coz while you girls were packin' your bikinis,

I was plannin' this caper to the letter.

Every day after brunch,

he comes to that window to feed his pigeon,

Lee Harvey Birdswald.

And when he does--

--I'm gonna turn his head into a mist.

Jimmy, that's beautiful.

I thought it up on the ride over.

Wasn't sure if I'd use it.

I for one am glad you did.

Gimme that! Offin' Castro was my idea!

I'm doin' the honors.

Why wait?

I'll go in there right now and blow his head off.

I'm the boss. I'll do it.

But I'm the boss' uncle!

Shut up, ya mooks.

Ya want the whole country to know what we're doin'?

She's right. Keep it down!

Hey look, it's McCool!

Yo, McCool!

Cheech! What are ya doin'? Hide the gun.

See what I mean? Right into the crapper!

Fancy seeing you three!

Come to take in the sights,

sounds, and smells of Old Havana?

Yeah yeah, sights and smells.

We're doin' sounds tomorrow.

Why are ya walkin' around all alone?

[Gasps]

Not now Cheech.

What?

I'm just sayin' he looks all lonely and pathetic.

Like a loser.

I'm not lonely!

Matter of fact, I'm going to visit my Cuban friend,

Reynaldo... Garcia.

Well then ya better get goin'--

Hey I knew a Garcia once! Drove an ice cream truck.

Here in Havana?

No, New York.

Think they're related?

Oh my God, Cheech!

[Grunting effort]

I doubt it.

Reynaldo is an... orphan.

Well he's probably dyin' to see ya then.

Hang on, it wasn't Garcia.

It was Gonzales!

For the Love of...

[Annoyed grunts]

So, probably not related.

Okay, well, off to the um... orphanage.

Cheerio.

Dammit!

Put this in your mouth.

What? What did I do?

[Moans]

Ohhh, Esmerelda.

Your hands are so soft...

[Moans]

[Groaning]

He's trippin' balls, Ma.

When are you gonna give up? When he's dead?

You wish! Keep lookin'.

C'mon Petey, let's go back to the resort.

[Groaning]

Fine. Take your chances with Ma.

Theresa, ya can't leave me here.

Why? 'Coz you're scared

I might actually have fun on this vacation?

No!

Because I'm lost!

[Monkey chatters]

Get outta here!

That is not how my son is losin' his virginity!

[Monkey slowly chatters]

[Chattering intensifies]

[Laughs]

Our one chance, and you blew it!

It's McCool's fault!

Guy wouldn't shut up about his stupid friend!

Ya did it to me again.

Without you dopes,

I'd be toastin' Castro's headless cadaver

with a Cuba Libre.

Y'know that's just rum and coke.

Presidential palace, por favor.

And that, mi amigos, is how the Cuba Libre

differs from a mere rum and coke!

Ahh.

I see what you're doing here.

Ya do?

Don't think I didn't notice...

You drove around a little bit.

I-- uh-

[Laughs] It's okay comrade!

But you do that with the tourists, yes?

Not with El Jefe.

Okay? Okay.

Hasta luego!

That is one charming mother [BLEEP].

What a presence, this guy.

I got goosebumps.

No wonder he's so hard to kill.

Ah goddammit.

It's like, I just wanted him to like me.

I know! I couldn't make a move.

Ya almost forget the man's a bloodthirsty dictator.

Ya think he liked me?

Punch it!

[♪♪♪]

[Woman screams]

Oh!

[♪♪♪]

[Gasps]

[Laughs]

Why the hell are we back here?

It's the only road I recognized!

Did ya have to stop for a fare?

Gina this resort ain't cheap.

Jimmy!

McCool, you been drinkin'?

Oh yeah, me and Reynaldo Garcia,

when we get together...

Ay-chi-wa-wa!

I miss Horse...

[Rattles]

CASTRO: I'm in here!

Horse?

CASTRO: No! It's El Jefe!

I'm in the trunk!

Oh God, Jimmy, you didn't!

Technically it was Gina.

And the rat comes out.

Drumheller's dinosaurs!

What have you done?

Okay. This is fixable.

We'll drop him back at the palace and--

Hey, the cab!

[Several loud thuds]

[Sustained horn honk]

[Explosion]

Congratulations Jimmy,

you've liberated Cuba and ruined my life!

I trusted you!

See, that was your first mistake...

[Sirens]

[Gasps]

We can still get through this!

Let me do the talking.

Oh, thanks a lot guys!

JIMMY: Come on!

Move it!

Keep going, keep going!

CUBAN: Damn, they took El Jefe!

JIMMY: Just keep going, keep going!

Keep going.

[Grunting effort]

MAN: Halt!

You are trespassing on American soil!

Do not move or we shoot!

American soil? Yeah!

[Machine gun fire]

[Kissing sounds]

[Spitting]

Ugh. American soil.

[Mouth full] Oh, that's better.

I cannot believe you assassinated a president

to get away from Canada.

I thought we were friends.

What's friendship got to do with it?

Apparently nothing!

Alright, let's get one thing straight!

I'm not offering you weirdos asylum, got it?

But we killed Castro!

We killed Castro, too!

Killed him good!

Shut up!

If I had a dime for every nutjob

who hopped that fence claiming to have killed Castro,

I'd have a mountain of dimes

and I'd sit on that mountain

and declare myself the King of Dimes.

That sounds amazing.

My point is, we're handing you right back

to the Cuban authorities.

Excuse me, Colonel Korn, I think you'd better see this.

Multiple sources confirm, Castro has been kidnapped

by a red-headed midget posing as a little girl.

Yeah!

[Neighs]

Yes Mr. President, it's confirmed.

Yes sir, I'll do that.

♪ [Military snare drum]

Oh, I am so [BLEEP] fired.

[Gasps]

What? I can swear.

[♪♪♪]

Aw Petey, I'm a terrible mother.

I couldn't find one stinkin' bug...

[Farts]

It's an arachnid.

And you're a great mother.

A great mother wouldn't let this happen.

But you can't watch your kid's every move, right?

Well, I should have thought before I drank from that--

--I just want to keep Theresa from makin'

the same mistakes I did.

Oh we're on Theresa now?

You don't gotta worry about me, Ma.

How did you find us?

And what's he doin' here?

You won't believe this.

Jean Phillipe here likes to catch these

and stick 'em up his ass.

Keeps down da 'emmeroids!

[Screams]

Get it off, get it off!

[Screams]

[Grunting effort]

[Panting]

Ma! What the hell!

Sorry, those things creep the [BLEEP] outta me!

Ya got another one up there, JP?

[Squishing]

Oh!

[Grunting]

[Farts]

I'm cured!

If you woulda trusted me,

we coulda had fun instead of runnin' around the jungle

like Boob Raider.It's Tomb Raider!

Shut up, Petey.

[Sighs]

Theresa you're right.

Um... ya didn't do anything

with Jan Phillip here, did ya?

Not at all.

I'm not the one he likes.

Anybody else feel a breeze or-

holy crap you are good!

[Sobs]

Ah, Jesus.

What, no goodbye?

All this time I've gone above and beyond to protect you,

and now you lie to me

and walk away like it was nothing?

What are we, married? You lied to me, too.

I did no such thing!

Really? What about "Reynaldo Garcia"?

You saw through that?

I made him up.

I felt silly being out all alone

while you three were having fun committing a murder.

Don't take it so hard, McCool.

Of all the cops I've ever known,

you're my favorite.

That's not saying much.

Comin' from me, that's sayin' a lot.

Put 'er there, pal.

[Plane taking off]

Hey, where's Air Force One going?

ARMY COLONEL: Well, Castro was found

with third degree burns

by three Canadian tourists who revived him

with the venom of a blue scorpion.

Can you believe that [BLEEP]?

This family is a freakin' curse!

So... No medals?

No gettin' super-Made?

No.

What about the free lobotomy?

I'll give you a lobotomy! C'mere.

Yo Colonel, seein' as we pretty close

to offin' El Commie-dante,

ya think we could get a chopper ride back to our resort?

Get the hell off my base.

[Foghorn]

OBAMA: Gorgeous weather in Cuba, huh?

Damn shame the American people can't go there.

Maybe I ought to do something about that?

Can you believe this?

Ma and them flew home first class

courtesy of El Presidente.

And we're rowing a [BLEEP] truck!

I stand by my choice to sell our passports

to those A-rabs in Gitmo.

I don't even know why we bothered with a vacation.

I'm just as depressed as I was before.

But Jimmy, you lied to a policeman,

stole a taxicab,

and almost 'whacked' someone.

What more could you want?

Ya know, you're right!

And I made twenty-eight bucks drivin' that cab.

Which you'll have to declare at customs.

And you wonder why we didn't wanna hang out with ya.

Keep rowing, Jimmy. Keep rowing.

♪ [singing La-la]

♪ La-la-la Saskatchewan ♪

♪ La-la la la-la