Original subtitles

You're entering the vicinity...

of an area adjacent to a location.

The kind of place where there might be a monster...

or some kind of weird mirror.

These are just examples.

It could also be something much better.

Prepare to enter...

As per your request, please find enclosed the last man on Earth.

Finally... solitude.

I can read books for all eternity.

It's not fair.

It's not fair!

Wait. My eyes aren't that bad.

I can still read the large-print books.

It's not f...

Well, lucky I know how to read Braille.

Hey, look at that weird mirror.

Cursed by his own hubris.

There's a political debate on. Quick, change the channel.

Hey, that's what Fry said when we turned on the debate.

C-SPAN9 presents The Thrill of Politics.

- Wha... - Huh?

Look, I know there are no car chases...

but this is important.

One of these two men will become president of the world.

What do we care? We live in the United States.

The United States is part of the world.

Wow, I have been gone a long time.

It's time someone had the courage...

to stand up and say...

I'm against those things that everybody hates!

Now, I respect my opponent.

I think he's a good man.

But, quite frankly, I agree with everything he just said!

These are the candidates? They sound like clones.

Wait a minute. They are clones!

Don't let their identical DNA fool you.

They differ on some key issues.

I say your three-cent titanium tax goes too far.

And I say your three-cent titanium tax...

doesn't go too far enough.

If I were registered to vote, I'd send these clowns a message...

by staying home on election day and dressing up like a clown!

You're not registered?!

Nope. Not vaccinated, either.

Besides, it's not like one vote ever made a difference.

That's not true.

The first robot president won by exactly one vote.

Ah, yes! John Quincy Adding Machine.

He struck a chord with the voters...

when he pledged not to go on a killing spree.

But, like most politicians...

he promised more than he could deliver.

The point is, one vote can make a difference.

And even though it won't...

I'm still taking you to get registered.

Yes, that's a capital idea.

Let's all go register.

Professor, when did you become so obsessed with voting?

The very instant I became old.

Mmm!

Mmm!

The problem with both parties...

is that they always want to give your tax dollars...

to the less fortunate.

The less fortunate get all the breaks.

You know, Fry, you could join a third party, maybe.

Only weirdos and mutants join third parties.

Really? I better keep an eye out at the next meeting.

What party do you belong to, Bender?

Eh, I'm not allowed to vote.

'Cause you're a robot?

No. Convicted felon.

We favor unreasonably huge subsidies...

to the brain slug planet.

Okay, but what are the brain slugs who control you...

going to do for the working man?

Attach brain slugs to them.

Sure, you say that now.

So is it true you can make...

all kinds of shirts and ropes out of hemp?

Dave's not here, man.

I also heard hemp makes great shampoo.

It does? No way!

I got to check out this brochure.

So, what are you doing to protect...

my constitutional right to bear doomsday devices?

Well, first off, we're going to get rid...

of that three-day waiting period for mad scientists.

Damn straight!

Today the mad scientist can't get a doomsday device.

Tomorrow, it's the mad grad student!

Where will it end?

Amen, brother!

I don't go anywhere without my mutated anthrax...

For duck huntin'.

Sure, humans are cute...

but how else are we supposed to test cosmetics?

I concur.

Now here's a party I can get excited about. Sign me up.

Sorry, not with that attitude.

Okay, then screw it.

Welcome aboard, brother!

- All right! - You're out.

That was pretty cool.

I think I'm actually starting to get interested in politics.

And so, with two weeks left in the campaign...

the question on everyone's mind...

is who will be...

the next president of Earth...

Jack Johnson, or bitter rival John Jackson?

Two terrific candidates, huh, Morbo?

All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo.

In other local news...

disaster struck on Saturn's moon ofTitan today...

when a titanium mine collapsed...

trapping 1,000 robot workers.

What? Lord have mercy!

Unless something is done quickly...

the trapped robots will be dead within 300 years.

Sir, what rescue operations are planned?

The plan is, basically, to pave over the area...

and get on with our lives.

News of the mine's closing...

sent titanium prices skyrocketing.

All right! I'm rich!

What are you talking about?

My body's 40% titanium.

I'm finally richer than those snooty A.T.M. Machines.

Too bad you can't spend it.

- Oh, can't I? - No.

Watch me, poor man.

Pleasure doin' business with you.

Game's over, losers!

I have all the money.

Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves.

Hey, get away! Shoo!

I'll give you $5.00 to not do what you're thinking about doing.

You just lost $5.00.

Hey, buddy! Little help?

Thank you!

Hello, peasants.

Bender! What happened to you?

You look different. Did you get a haircut?

No! I sold my body.

Sold your body?!

Oh, Bender, I've been down that road.

I know it's glamorous and the parties are great...

but you'll end up spending every dollar you make...

on jewelry and skintight pants.

This is crazy, Bender.

How are you going to live without a body?

Bodies are for hookers and fat people.

All I need is a wad of cash with a head wrapped around it.

Well, at least now you can pay off your loan shark.

Yeah, right, what's he going to do, break my legs?

Ah, this is the life!

Another martini, please!

Shaken, not stirred.

Oh, yeah!

Put it all on black.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

21 red.

I beg your pardon... 33 black.

Yes!

The rich get richer.

Strike! In your face, Leela!

Ow!

Timber!

Hey, Bender, can I take a ride in your car?

Maybe if you clean up first.

It looks like your neck stepped in something.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's just your body.

Hey, you look me in the shins and say that.

Hey, I've had it up to here with this place.

I'm off to the head museum...

to hang out with classy heads like me...

who appreciate the finer things:

Poetry, philosophy, hats.

So long, coffin-stuffers!

Could one of you coffin-stuffers please carry me?

Now, which group of heads...

is good enough for me to hang out with?

What do you think, Fry?

Fry?

Mmm.

Hi.

I'm Claudia Schiffer's head.

I recognize you.

Didn't you use to have a body of some sort?

Yeah, but it was holding me back.

You know, I just did the cover...

of the Sports Illustrated swim cap issue.

Well, you're looking great.

Thanks. I wouldn't mind losing a few pounds, though.

Couldn't hurt.

Ah, U.S. Presidents!

Sturdy shelves, good security...

this place has class.

Hey, sugar cookie!

You know, legally...

nothing I can do counts as sex anymore.

I apologize for his rudeness, ma'am.

He gets this way around meaty-looking women.

Hey, I remember you.

I was going to vote for you one time.

But voting isn't cool...

so I stayed home alone and got trashed on Listerine.

Frankly, I've never felt voting...

to be all that essential to the process.

No kidding, Ford.

So then the hooker-bot says...

"That's not my expansion slot."

And my friend says...

"That's not my gold-plated 25-pin connector."

Oh, Bender.

Thou robots really cracketh me up.

You know, I like it here.

What's the rent on one of these jars?

Sorry, Bender, but we can't allow...

every Tom, Dick and Harry to move in.

No offense Jefferson, Nixon and Truman.

Maybe Mr. Bender can get a spot...

in the closet of presidential losers.

Bob Dole needs company.

Larouche won't stop with the knock-knock jokes.

Pass.

So telleth, Bender...

What hath happened to your body?

I hocked it.

Hocked it? Why wouldst thou do that?

Same reason you hocked your teeth.

Ah, booze money.

I remember my body.

Flabby, pasty-skinned, riddled with phlebitis.

A good Republican body.

God, I loved it.

I hear that.

I spent most of my teen years loving my body.

Course, it was tough love...

Fry, he opened up relations with China.

He doesn't want to hear about your ding-dong.

So, Nixon, even if you miss your body...

being a head's great, too, right?

No, son.

It's a sad and lonely life.

Oh, great. Now you tell me.

That's my style.

I like to kick 'em when they're down.

One, zero, uh...

One, one, zero, zero, one...

Bender, what is it?

Whoa, what an awful dream.

Ones and zeros everywhere.

And I thought I saw a two.

It was just a dream, Bender.

There's no such thing as two.

I know what this is about.

My body loved me and I turned its back on it.

Well, old friend, tie a yellow ribbon 'round your neck...

'cause I'm a-comin' home.

You sold my body?! To who?!

I can't reveal that information...

but you look like a nice robot.

Tell you what... I'll give you 50 bucks for the kid.

Hey, my clothes are worth 50 bucks.

Deal.

How could I let this happen?

I can't go through the rest of my life like this.

Don't you have a self-destruct button?

Yeah... but it's on my body.

What am I going to do?

Uh, I can't stand to see a robot cry.

Let's watch TV.

And so, ladies and gentlemen...

I'm throwing my head into the ring.

I'm announcing my candidacy for the presidency of Earth.

Scoop Chang, Beijing Bugle.

Sir, the Constitution clearly states...

that nobody can be elected president more than twice.

That's right... no body.

But as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body.

Bender, he's got your body!

That dirty, double-crossing bastard!

How dare he run off with Richard Nixon.

Nixon must have bought your body from the pawnshop.

Yeah, and that electric guitar.

♪♪

I'm meeting you halfway, you stupid hippies.

I am not a crook's head.

Yeah, you are. You stole my body!

Fry, Leela, you got to help me.

Ordinarily, I'd say no and lecture you...

on how this is your own fault for being such an idiot.

But when a robotic Nixon is on the loose...

we have a duty to take action.

Idiot.

Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates.

Puny human number one...

puny human number two...

and Morbo's good friend, Richard Nixon.

Hello, Morbo. How's the family?

Belligerent and numerous.

Good man.

Nixon's pro-war and pro-family.

Great. First he steals my body, now he's touching my stuff.

Come on. We've got to find some way to talk to him.

Morbo demands an answer to the following question:

"If you saw delicious candy in the hands of a small child...

would you seize and consume it?"

Unthinkable!

I wouldn't think of it!

What about you, Mr. Nixon?

I remind you, you are under a truth-o-scope.

Uh, well, uh...

the question is-is vague.

You don't say what kind of candy...

uh, whether anyone is watching...

At any rate, I certainly wouldn't harm the child.

You scored big points tonight, sir.

What are you talking about? They ate me alive out there.

Yes, but your body stayed on message...

and that message is, "Look at my shiny new body."

The robots ate it up.

You've got real charisma from the neck down.

Nixon with charisma.

My God!

I can rule the universe!

Give me my body back, you two-bit thief!

Now, look here, you drugged-out communist...

I paid for this body and I'd no sooner return it...

than I would my little cocker spaniel dog, Checkers.

Shut up, damn it!

Please, Mr. Nixon...

we're appealing to your sense of decency.

Very good!

Seriously, though, I'm never giving back this body.

Now, beat it, before I get Cambodian on your asses!

It's hopeless.

We might as well turn in my head for the five-cent deposit.

No way.

I'm not letting my best friend get recycled...

Not for five cents, not for 500 cents.

Leela, I've got a plan.

I've got a better plan.

Why would Nixon stay at the Watergate?

They give you a discount if you've been here before.

Keep going. We're right behind you.

Whoa, mama. Get a room, you two.

We're in a room!

Well, then, lose some weight.

Oh, yeah, you women's libbers really know how to party.

Psst, there I am.

Hey, Betty Friedan...

send a little of that lotion my way.

Okay, almost got it.

Steady...

steady...

don't panic.

Ooh.

Uh-oh.

Huh? What the...

You shaggy peaceniks have some nerve.

I'm just here for what's mine.

Don't make me kick your neck.

Bring it on, soup can.

All right, break it up, you two.

That's it!

You're all going to jail...

and don't expect me to grant a pardon...

like that sissy Ford.

You'll never pardon anybody...

because you'll never get elected president.

The voters of Earth aren't the pea-brained idiots they were back in your time.

Oh, no? Well, listen here, missy.

Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973...

but your average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever.

The only one who's changed is me.

I've become bitter and, let's face it...

crazy over the years.

And once I'm swept into office...

I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat...

and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place.

Well, he lost my vote.

Like one vote ever made a difference.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

I'm going to inch myself over to the phone...

and call the police.

Not so fast, Nixon!

Are you familiar with... audio tape?

Uh-oh, I don't like where this is heading.

And I'll go into people's houses at night...

and wreck up the place.

My God, I really sound like that?

I thought my voice had more of a Clark Gable quality.

The jig's up, Nixon.

We'll trade you the tape for the body.

Oh, expletive deleted.

You've got a deal.

Hey, I've got one last thought.

Ah, it's good to be back in one piece again...

except I can't get these damn bumper stickers off.

The sheer drama of this election...

has driven voter turnout...

to its highest level in centuries... six percent.

Exit polls show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing...

with an estimated zero votes.

Yes! The system works.

The time is 7:59...

and the robot polls are now opening...

and the robot vote is in.

Nixon has won!

- Get out of town! - Oh, no!

Why would robots vote for Nixon...

now that he's just a head in a jar?

I give you the next president of Earth!

Nixon's back!

I can't believe it. He won by a single vote.

Well, it ain't my fault.

I'm a non-voting felon, thank you.

Well, it's not my fault, either, 'cause I forgot to vote.

Oh, crud, I knew there was something I meant to do today.

Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president.

May death come quickly to his enemies.

Who's kicking who around now?

Knock, knock.