Original subtitles

How ya doin'? I'm Gina Falcone.

I may only be a kid, but I ain't no bed-wettin' twerp.

I take care of myself -

like this one time, back in New York...

Hey, Ma! Pops!

Where is everybody?

GINA: The rest of the family was in such a rush

to get to Coney Island, they left me...

home alone!

So it was up to me to protect our house...

and have a little fun.

I was expecting the kid to set cute little traps.

This is almost too easy.

Easy? You know, when you say that,

you really devalue what we do.

GINA: Yeah, I don't like kiddie movies.

All that violence, it's so fake!

When it comes to violence, I prefer what Petey

would call "realism".

Don't bother begging for mercy.

Oh, my poor baby!

I'm so s--

What the hell?!

Crap. Busted.

Gina, how many times I gotta tell you?

Not in the house!

You're gonna get us all pinched!

Anyway, now that we live in the

most boring town on the planet,

I gotta make my own fun.

Ma, I'm goin' out.

Don't forget your mittens!

Is anyone else concerned that she's--

Fugget about it!

MALE SINGER: ♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'Bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ A made wise guy and a capo with the Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out that they'd be ♪

♪ Whackin' Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss, he threw him ♪

♪ From the nineteenth- floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob all wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the feds ♪

♪ The feds say they'll help if they could use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends ♪

♪ And moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it ♪

♪ Fugget about it! ♪

MALE SINGER: ♪ Fugget about it♪

Oh! Fugget about it!

Hey, who threw out a thermometer?

It's a pregnancy tester!

Cheech, look at this.

What's the little minus sign mean?

Whoa, it's negative!

Means a baby's comin'.

You sure?Sure I'm sure.

You want another snot-nosed brat

runnin' around? No!

Pregnant equals negative.

Holy crap! Cookie's pregnant?

I can't be a father again!

I barely survived the first three!

You want my advice?

Pretend to be happy about this.

Then, when she goes to bed...

you skip town like a in' gypsy.

There's my beautiful wife.

If you was barefoot, this picture would be perfect.

OK, what'd ya do?

Ooh, was that a kick I felt?

No, it was last night's eggplant parm.

What's wrong with you?

Ya fall in the shower or somethin'?

No! I'm talkin' about our baby!

Jimmy, this test is negative.

I was... a little late and just, you know,

wanted to be sure.

But I ain't pregnant.

Nobody's pregnant.

Oh, thank you, baby Jesus!

This is the happiest day of my life!

Next time, I'll pull out earlier so

you don't gotta worry.

Don't you move, young lady!

That's not mine!

It's... for a friend.

She had a little scare.

But everything's fine.

Oh, really? What's your friend's name?

Theres...o?

Your father found this!

If he knew it was yours, he'd slap a chastity belt

on you and swallow the key!

Lucky for you, I covered for ya.

Phew! Dodged that bullet.

Thanks, Ma.

Not so fast, Theresa Maria Falcone!

We're not done here -

not by a long shot!

Will you relax?

You should just be glad I'm not pregnant.

Now we don't have to guess who the father is!

Think before you talk, Thereso!

What are you doing?

They're going to need your measurements,

down at the nunnery.

Hey, McCool, thanks for meeting me.

We had a little scare, and

I'm gonna need some rubbers.

A case a week should do.

Don't tell God.

Can't you just buy them at the drug store?

What?! You can just walk in and buy them up here?

In the old neighbourhood, you needed a sit-down

with Father O'Malley and a doctor's note.

I had a connection upstate -

one of the first guys to carry the

"French tickler"!

Are we finished here, Jimmy?

McCool, what gives? Who died?

Oh, just my career.

A letter intended for my lady friend was mistakenly

mailed to Premier O'Shea's office.

So slap the mailman around.

A fellow civil servant?

Never!

The problem is the letter contained photos of me -

playfully erotic ones.

BOTH: Oh!

When the Premier returns from his "trade mission"

to Las Vegas, I'll be fired!

Or, at the very least, reassigned to one of

Canada's bleaker outposts...

like Toronto.

You oughta text your dirty pictures, like I do.

A true gentleman does not text

boudoir photographs to a lady!

It's a picture of your bing-bong.

Quit tryin' to class it up.

You're right.

There's nothing classy about what I did.

For Canada!

...where all degenerates wind up in Toronto.

Poor bastard.

You know, if we steal them pictures back for him

and save his job, he'll owe us big time.

Let's do it!

We'll be ass-deep in French ticklers!

Can you believe she's makin' me wear an ankle monitor?

Be careful what you say with that thing.

It has speech recognition.

Anything about boys and/or sex

and you get a shock!

Even by Mom's standards, it's a bit draconian.

My social life is fallin' apart, and you're talking

about Star Trek?!

I'm only allowed to go to school

and then straight home.

What am I gonna do?

Maybe focus on all the great things

you can do at school.

That's what got me in this mess.

No, I mean an after-school club.

GINA: A club, huh?

Photography... Full.

Drama club... Full.

Witchcraft for Beginners... Full.

All the good clubs are full!

What's "Future Business Leaders"?

I thought it was a recruiting front for the

Conservative party, but it's just a club where you

learn about sales and marketing.

Ooh! Maybe there'll be cute boys!

You're late!

I told you to come straight home from school!

I was doin' school stuff!

I joined the "Future Business Leaders" club.

Oh, please. You don't fool me for a second.

You're just tryin' to stay away from here

as long as possible!

I'll have you know I am full of...

What did they call 'em?

..."viable consumer innovations"!

You're full of somethin', all right.

Tomorrow, you come straight home from school.

None of this phony club crap, ya hear me?

But Mom, the one time I'm not lying, and you--

End of discussion!

Oh yeah? I'm gonna come up with

an idea that's gonna knock your socks off!

You wanna knock my socks off?

Get your virginity back!

Gotta think of a product.

I'll show her.

Think... Think...

Think!

God, thinking's hard!

And so is this chair.

My butt's killin' me!

Europa! I think I got it!

What's goin' on in here?

I'm takin' the lead on the O'Shea heist, Jimmy.

So what's with these mooks?

It's the team.

I call 'em "Cheech's Eleven, Minus Six".

Wait. How many of us are there,

not including me?

What's wrong with you?

We're stealin' some mail, not robbin' a casino.

Why you always gotta stomp on my ideas?

Mainly 'cause they're insane.

But I already gave everybody codenames

in case we get pinched!

This here is Mr. Red.

You're a freakin' racist!

Race ain't got nothin' to do with it!

Now sit down, Geronimo!

This is Mr. Brown - 'cause he smells like a toilet.

Alright, Dale-- I mean, Mr. Red.

You're gonna shoot an arrow through the window

so I can shimmy up.

But I'm terrible with a bow and arrow!

I thought you said you was an Injun!

And I thought this was gonna be a sex orgy!

Alright, meetin's over!

Cheech, you ain't in charge no more!

Well, I had a good run.

Today's modern woman faces many challenges,

but none compare to the very real problem

of B.A.S. - "Bony Ass Syndrome".

Oh, here we go.

Ladies and awkward teen boy, I give you...

hang on...

"Ass-Jax"!

Whoa! I'd love to get one of those

for my girlfriend!

...if I, you know, had a girlfriend.

Hey, this is fun!

Now I see why guys like these so much.

Theresa, it's great you're applying yourself to

something besides boys, but this

is the stupidest thing I ever seen!

Well, Ma, the "stupidest thing you've ever seen"

is setting the Twitterverse on fire.

Who the hell goes on the internet

to look for big butts?

Judging from Ass-Jax's followers, flat-bottomed

girls with low self esteem who want to

jack up their asses...

and a lot of dirty old men.

Probably not our target market.

Those are my Instagram followers, ya idiot!

PETEY: Look at all the orders rolling in

for Ass-Jax!

I never thought I'd say this, but,

Theresa, you're brilliant!

I don't wanna rain on your parade, but how are you

gonna fill 510--

12--

50 orders?

Ma, you just don't have any vision.

Oh, my vision's fine.

I see a bunch of kids who think they're gonna make

a mint off rubber underpants.

But, Mom, presales like this mean start-up capital and--

Save it for the shareholders, Mr. Google.

Theresa, as your IT manager,

I recommend myself for

VP of Sales and Marketing.

Hm. I'd have to see your resume.

"Resumé." But I stand on my experience.

Remember those great ideas I had for Pop's business?

What? Like the public transit getaway?

What do ya mean "exact change"?

Will ya just go?

I propose we make a web commercial -

keep this synergy going!

I have no idea what synergy means...

and that impresses me.

You're hired!

Alright, this'll be a cinch.

We sweet-talk his secretary, get in

his office, and grab the envelope.

Say no more, Jimmy.

They don't call me "Ol' Sugarlips" for nothin'.

JIMMY: Hey, Pal.

Is Premier O'Shea's secretary around?

If you mean "administrative

assistant", that's me.

A man secretary?

Abort! Abort!

What's wrong with you?

Guys can have lady jobs.

It's the twentieth century!

I got spooked. But this is good.

Now that it's a guy, we just rough him up

and barge in.

In a government building?! Are you nuts?

We gotta go back to the drawing board.

Sounds good.

Now I can finish that picture of a duck.

Where's my crayons?

Our first commercial! I'm so excited!

How can you be in a commercial?

We're in Witness Protection!

Mom, it's alright. We thought of that. Watch.

THERESA: Hey, girlfriend. Do boys ignore you

because you have a small, bony ass?

Then you need... Ass-Jax!

With Ass-Jax, you'll get so many guys

you'll have to beat them off with a stick.

In fact, you'll be beating guys off all over town!

You can wear Ass-Jax in da club!

Shake that thang!

THERESA: Up on charges?

Wear Ass-Jax to court!

Ass dismissed!

THERESA: You can even wear them to church.

Bless me, Father, for I have booty.

THERESA: Don't be a jack-ass.

Go to assjax.com and order your Ass-Jax now!

Now what are you gonna do?

Ya actually gotta make the damn things!

Ma, we're already on it.

COOKIE: Wow! How'd you do this?

Simple: I had a vision...

and told Petey to make it happen.

At first, we considered outsourcing to

a Chinese production facility...

...but then Petey reminded me that they have

a terrible Hunan rice recipe.

"Human rights policy."

Whatever. Anyway, as a job creator,

I wanted to keep the factory here in the state of Regina.

But I crunched the numbers,

and the labour costs would kill us, so...

we automated!

I gotta say, I'm impressed!

This is a hell of an operation you got here.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we gotta

move some latex butts.

GINA: Move it or lose it, toots!

JIMMY: Hello.

I'm the Minister of Fish, Wildlife, and, uh...

Nuclear War.

We need to get into the Premier's office.

Oh, yes, sir.

I'll open it right up.

Wait a second.

How can you be the Minister of Fish,

Wildlife, and Nuclear War

when he's standing right over there?

Hello!

I told ya we shoulda used Mr. Brown.

PETEY: I gotta slide. Talk to ya!

You got one!

PETEY: Straight from the breeder.

Ooh, what a sweetie!

I'm gonna call you "Minksy".

Yes, I am! Yes, I am!

Where the hell did all this crap

come from, Theresa?

Who's paying for this?

I am. I've been pre-approved

for, like, a zillion credit cards.

This is just like with your boyfriends:

have fun now, pay later!

Oh, you're just bitter 'cause you never

did anything with your life.

Excuse me?! Never did anything with my life?

I raised three kids!

Ooh, three whole kids!

Talk to me when you raise an empire, Ma.

Security!

Gina, get your hands off me.

Take it easy!

You don't wanna slip and fall...

repeatedly... onto my boot.

So you're a goon for your sister now.

She signs the cheques.

♪

I got it!

What the hell is that?!

You're supposed to get an envelope!

Aw, crap! Wrong building.

I'll go put it back.

Where's my stuff?!I returned it all.

My handbag collection?

Returned.

My diamond tennis bracelet?

Returned.

The meat dress I bought off Lady Gaga?

Cooked it for dinner.

Really? You just made a $20,000 meat sauce.

This isn't fair! Why you doing this to me?

I'm trying to teach ya about personal responsibility!

The ex-stripper mobster's wife is gonna tell me,

the CEO of Ass-Jax, about responsibility?

Do not talk to me like that, young lady!

My house, my rules!

Well, then maybe I won't live in your house,

ya jealous cow!

Where you goin'?

THERESA: I'm takin' my operation overseas!

And, by "overseas", I mean downtown.

Go ahead and move out!

You're never gonna make it!

This town's gonna eat you alive!

And your little dog, too!

You're gonna come crawlin' back! You'll see!

My baby!

This meat sauce tastes like sweat.

Ma? How'd you find me?

Ah. Right.

THERESA: This is the living room...

and this is a room for the Siamese.

Your cats have their own room?

What cats?

THERESA: The one on the right doesn't

actually work here.

Po Po?

Tea, special blend.

What's with the munchkin?

That's Po Po, my Burmese manservant.

He does what you do, only more and better.

Theresa, I'm trying to mend fences here.

I'm in a condo.

There is no fence.

What's in there?

The Ass-Jax nerve centre.

Eat it, Koji-san!

We're the ones with leverage!

Don't make me Fukushima your face!

Mom, we're busy in here!

GINA:

Oh, this tea's tasty!

It's a blend of jasmine, oolong, and

great white shark semen.

Theresa, I know you're mad at me, but I miss ya.

I want ya to come home.

I'll even take off the ankle cuff!

Does this mean no more breathing down my neck

and getting on my back about boys?

We'll work it out.

I'll try not to get on your case so much.

But there's gotta be some give and take.

It is kinda lonely here at the top.

I'll think about it.

Hold on. I gotta take this.

It's my attorneys.

Oh, God, I hope she comes to her senses.

Minksy?

Minksy, wake up!

Yo, Minkso! Up and at 'em! Come on!

Oh, great. You killed the freakin' dog!

Now Theresa will never come home!

Hm.

Nah.

Sorry, Minksy. Nothing personal.

PO PO:

Oh my God!

Ma, what is wrong with you?

You're tryin' to kill my dog, ya psycho?

No, no, no! He's already dead!

I'm just getting rid of--

I was right! You are a jealous cow!

But to take it out on poor Minksy?

Ya know, my lawyers told me to get

legally emaciated.

I wasn't gonna do it, but now I am!

You're thin enough, young lady!

No, wait.

"Emancipated."

It means I'm bein' freed from ya,

like the slaves were in the '60s!

You're... divorcing me?

That's it!

COOKIE: Petey! Gina! Let's go!

Hey, hey! They're still on the clock!

Get in the car, now!

This is kidnapping!

They're my kids. I'll nap 'em all I want!

Ha ha! Who got the leverage now,

Petey-san?

Here, let me get the rope.

How do you do that?

Do what?

I got it!

I can't wait to see them pictures!

You can't wait to see naked pictures of McCool?

What? I like photography.

Now we're talkin'.

It ain't a real heist unless you're

spillin' blood.

JIMMY: Crap! It's O'Shea!

Ah, me darlin'! Let me show ya the end of me rainbow!

Ya think they're doin' it?

Hi, Petey.

PETEY: Are you wearing Ass-Jax right now?

No.

PETEY: Good, then it's safe to sit down.

Check the link I sent you.

PETEY: The Ass-Jax are fine...

until you try to sit down.

O...M...G!

Ah!

PETEY: There's so many lawsuits, I stopped counting!

It's over, Theresa.

What about my money?

PETEY: If I were you, I'd put on a ball cap and sunglasses

and get the hell out of that building, quick.

Oh, Po Po. At least I'll always have you.

Actually, my name is Edward, and my

paycheque bounced...

so I ate your dog.

O'SHEA: Ahh! There! I'm done!

Alright, me darlin'...

back to Vegas with ya.

Uh... Good morning, Premier O'Shea.

A few days ago, I inadvertently sent you

some personal mail.

I've come to apologize and

beg your forgiveness.

Grab it off the desk, boyo.

I'm hittin' the showers.

Can't run the government covered in body glitter,

smellin' like a Reno cathouse!

Stompin' Tom Connors!

What are you two doing in here?

JIMMY: We was savin' your job.

You owe us one.

Boy, listenin' to a guy hump all night

sure makes you hungry.

Wanna get some sausage?

Why are you wet? It's not even raining!

You were right, Ma!

I'm crawlin' back, broke, homeless, and unemployed.

Go ahead, say "I told ya so."

Nah. I think you learned a bigger lesson than

I ever coulda taught you.

I sure did:

I learned, if I'm gonna take

a pregnancy test, I should do it

at the mall bathroom.

That's what ya got from this?!

Nothing about being responsible and thinkin'

before ya do stuff?

Uh... Nope.

Ah, forget it.

I'm just glad you're back.

THERESA: Oh, boy.

It's good to be home.