Original subtitles

How y'doin?

I'm Jimmy Falcone, former goodfella

currently freezin' his ass off in Canada.

Back in the old life I never saw snow...

And I don't mean drugs.

I delegated that to Big Blow Belucci.

I'm talkin' real snow...

Jimmy complained about the cold.

I want youse guys to make it summer around here.

[whirring]

Thought it was callin' for a huge snow storm.

Not that I'm complainin'!

[sigh]

It worked.

From now on, it's gonna be summer all the time!

Except Christmas. I like a white Christmas.

But warm, capisce?

I love New York in November.

Hey look, Dolphins!

[honking, screeching]

Ahh!

[rattling]

Palm trees in New York...

If global warmin' means the end of the world, so be it!

Hey Rocco! That counts as a break![groan]

Now I live in Regina where global warmin' ain't hit yet.

It snows all the freakin' time here.

I mean it never stops.

Don't worry, Jimmy. I got your back.

[loud gunfire]

Cheech! What the hell ya doin'?

There's too many snowflakes!

I can't get 'em all!

Tell Ma I went down fightin'!

If you think I can even remember what summer feels like...

Fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

[glass breaks] COOKIE: You two-timin' son of a bitch!

What's her name!

I dunno what you're talkin' about!

[grunting]

Hey!

Hoh! You been workin' out?

Whoa!

Say hello to the Devil when ya meet him,

ya two-timin' greaseball!

I just took the last soda.

Jimmy! Cookie! For God's sake!

The entire neighborhood can hear this hullaballoo!

Jimmy's cheatin' on me, McCool!

Lemme shoot him!

Cookie, I surveil Jimmy regularly

and I can assure you he's doing nothing of the sort.

Though he did glance at a copy of

"Jugg Lovers Quarterly" at the gas station.

Shame shame.

The feds won't forward my subscription!

Don't you see?

Cookie's busy with the kids, you're busy with your job.

When's the last time you two spent

some quality time together?

Does drunk, angry sex at three a.m. count as quality?

It barely even counts as sex.

Heed my words.

Quality time is the key to a happy marriage!

This from a bachelor whose best friend is a [beep] horse.

Cook, why would you think I'm cheatin' on ya?

Because ya snuck out last night.

I woulda chased ya, but the Ambien was kickin' in.

I swear on the soul of my mother,

that wasn't me.Then who was it?

I dunno, but we're gonna find out.

Wanna grill the kids? I'll get the waterboard...

Nah, we gotta catch 'em in the act.

Like when Gina stole money from my wallet.

She won't be doin' that again.

[grunting]

Look at you slavin' away.

How much is Dad payin' ya for this?

Five bucks.Five bucks?

You're gettin' screwed by the man.

He's inside, nice and warm,

and you're out here freezin' your ass off

for no money like a sucker.

I like helping out.

You're gettin' exploited!

And so are all these other kids.

Sounds like you're developing a social conscience, Gina.

Yeah, I dunno what that is.

But I'll tell ya, if anyone's doin'

any exploitin' around here, it's me!

[♪♪]

So it's Cheech sneakin' around.

Sorry I punched ya in the face, Jimmy.

I don't remember that.You were sleepin'.

That explains the loose tooth.

Lookit Cheech's clothes.

In the ol' days he only ever dressed up to pull a job.

That knucklehead's gonna get us all in trouble.

We better follow him.

How we supposed to do that if he's got the car?

I know we're probably followin' Cheech

on some depraved crime spree, but this is fun!

This is what McCool was talkin' about!

I got a bicycle seat up my ass, how exactly is this fun?

Why didn't ya just take Petey's bike?

I thought this was Petey's bike.

It's worse than we thought.

Cheech is goin' into a crack den!

Nah, nobody dresses up for a crack den.

[sirens]It's probably just a whorehouse.

We gotta get Cheech outta there before he gets pinched.

Let's do this nice and quiet...

[loud clatter]

Ah screw it, let's just do it loud and mean...

Ahh!

Jimmy! What are you doin' here?

Me? What about you?

You're sneakin' around for a dance class?

Why didn't ya just tell me?

No offense, Jimmy.

But I got a life outside you, ya know!

This looks like fun!

Jimmy, maybe ballroom dancin' is just what we need

to spend some quality time together.

Why not? Beat's ridin' bikes.

May I have this dance?

No, no, no, you cannot dance together!

Your bodies are, how you say?

Incompatible.

You are built like pickle barrel

and you are bag of oatmeal.

Hey!

You more suited to Juan Carlos.

Nice to meet ya, Juan Carlos.

[laughs]

Ooh, someone's a smooth talker!

[chuckles]

You, what is name?

Name is Jimmy.

I Svetanka. Now dance me!

Dance me... long and hard.

[growls]

Please don't hurt me.

So Gina, what is this "union" of yours going to do for us?

Suppose ya hurt yourself shovellin' huh?

Who looks after ya?

If your shovel breaks, who buys ya a new one?

Our parents?

They're the ones who sent ya out

in minus twenty weather in the first place.

Them grown-ups are playin' ya for stooges!

Yeah! I shovelled Mrs. Wilson's place

and she didn't pay!

Sign up with the Brotherhood of Snow Shovellin' Youth

and she'll definitely pay.

They'll all pay! Who's with me?

[chanting] Union! Union! Union!

Jackets are mandatory for members.

Fifty bucks a pop.What?

Fifty bucks?

Gina are you serious about organized labour

or is this just a cash-grab?

Don't worry, Petey.

The jacket money comes outta wages.

Ya won't even notice.

And if I hear any more of that scab talk,

I'll cut your [beep] eyes out.

That was freakin' amazing!

It was like I was on that show,

"Dancin' with the People Who Used to be Stars".

With Juan Carlos, I was dancin' on a cloud...

of tacos and vending machine cologne.

McCool was right about us spendin' time together.

Except we didn't really spend any time together.

Because our bodies are...

"How you say? Incompatible."

Ah, she don't know what she's talkin' about.

I'll prove it to ya.

[♪♪]

Ow!

[loud thumps]

Jesus, when's the last time we danced?

Sorry...No problem...

[loud crash]Lemme think, was it at our wedding?

Ow!Oops.

Nah, I got nabbed for that diamond ring robbery

before our first dance, remember?

Ah!My bad...

Did you guys get electrocuted or somethin'?

Maybe ballroom dancin' ain't our thing?

Well, if we can't dance together,

there's no point doin' it at all.

I agree. Ballroom dancin' is out.

Good call, you looked like a coupla seagulls

fightin' over a french fry.

[humming theme song]

Ah!I need you ride me, Yimmy.

Ride me right now!

Svetanka, no! I'm married.

Ride me to dance studio! I am late!

Oh, ya mean drive ya! Sure.

Ya know, every time you talk, it sounds like a come-on.

Is Svetanka's accent.

You know, Yimmy, dancing with you last night

made me so wet.

Okay, you should really stop talkin' now.

What? You are sweaty man.

Come in for one dance?

I don't think my wife would like that.

You know you want to.

We keep forbidden dance a secret.

Come, Yimmy.

Again with the sexy talk!

Jimmy?

Care to tell me what you're doin' here?

Ah!

You're sneakin' around behind my back, ain't ya?

What're ya flippin' out for?

I just came for a quickie with Sweatanka.

Dance! Quickie dance!

I thought we agreed ballroom dancin' wasn't for us.

Says the broad who's standin' in a dance studio!

I had to double Cheech down here on Petey's bike.

I popped in to use the washroom.

Ya know what?

Juan Carlos asked me to be his partner

for the Golden Ballies...

You ain't touchin' no one else's golden ballies!

It's a dance contest, you moron!

Ha ha-ha!

Oh yeah? Well...

I'm gonna enter, too..

I just need to find me a -Dance partner?

That's right!

I'm gonna win them golden balls with Sweatnka here!

Oh Jimmy, it is so on!

It couldn't be on-er!

Jimmy, can I get a ride home?

Cookie broke Petey's bike!

[bell rings]

Ha ha-ha!

Where do ya think you're goin'?

I got rehearsal.

These tap shoes ain't gonna tap themselves.

Well, I got rehearsal too, Mister.

Who's gonna stay home and watch Gina?

Gina? She ain't even home!

I ain't seen her in days.

In that case... dibs on the car!

I got no time for this!

I gotta pick up sequins for my fancy pants.

Wait, I just heard that.

Catch ya later, sucka!

You... come back... here....

[sigh]

Oh man, all this dancin' has really...

[clears phlegm]

...whipped me into shape.

[doorbell]

How'ya doin'?

I'm Gina, Business Agent of BOSSY Local One.

My comrade here says he performed

snow-related labour for you and ya didn't pay.

What gives?

I didn't know he was doing it.

Didn't know? What are ya, blind?

Legally, yes.

Can ya see good enough to fish

a freakin' fifty outta your purse?

I'm on a fixed income --

Yeah, yeah. Things are tough all over.

Now make with the money.

In my day, we didn't -

Well your day's done, Stegosaurus.

[whistles]

Giv'er the snow job, boys!

Ya want it cleared?

That's another fifty bucks!

Heheh.

Ow! Ouch!

I don't know how dancers sew on these sequins,

By usin' a double top-stitch.

How many times I gotta tell ya?

Aw, I can't focus!

Cookie's so competitive about this dance contest.

She's drivin' me crazy!

You want me to pull a Tonya Harding?

Take out her knee?

Say the word, she'll never walk again.

That's my wife you're talkin' about!

Besides, I'm way ahead of ya.

I slashed her tires so she can't get to rehearsal.

Isn't that your car, Jimmy?

Yeah, but it's also her car.

That's why you're the boss, Jimmy.

Always thinkin'.

Now gimme some change for the bus?

Ugh. I entered this contest to stick it to your father,

but he's really givin' me a run for my money...

Ya really wanna win? You're gonna need an edge...

[gasp] Theresa Maria Falcone!

This is just lewd, crass and...

Totally hot!

Nice work.

Ha ha-ha!

This shouldn't bother me

'cause I grew up around Italians,

but your dance partner is really greasy.

He drinks olive oil. Says it keeps him young.

He's actually seventy-two.

Ha ha-ha!

Hoh! I ain't payin' you jagoffs

to stand around gawkin!

Get back to work!

Gina, I've been elected Shop Steward,

and as such, must tell you the BOSSY membership

feels they're not getting a fair shake.

That's crazy. I'm payin' five bucks a house.

It's market rate.

But you're charging our customers fifty!

What happens to the other forty-five?

Ya think them fancy jackets pay for themselves?

Theresa bought them.

And you still haven't paid her back!

I got a... uh...

...health and retirement plan to pay for.

Them things don't come cheap.

You know what else don't come cheap? Us!

On behalf of the members of BOSSY Local One,

I hereby declare a strike!

[cheering]

[whispering]

...just as soon as Brother Oliver has his potty break.

Whoa, look at the balls on this room!

I suddenly feel inadequate.

I feel nervous. You nervous, Juan Carlos?

[laughs]

Do you even speak English?

[laughs]

Hey Cook. Geez, ya look great!

Just like them old-timey prostitutes.

Aw, Jimmy thanks. Look at you.

That costume makes me wanna say... 'Ole'!

Yimmy, why you talk to old hoor?

[quiet grunt]

Oh, sorry. Old hoor is Cookie!

Don't listen to her.

I just wanted to wish ya luck in the contest.

And sorry I sawed the heels off your dancin' shoes.

Thanks babe.

And I'm sorry I put horse laxative in your dinner.

When'd ya do that?[loud gurgling]

I gotta go!

♪ [upbeat jazz music]

[applause]

♪ [tango music]

[applause]

♪ [electronic music]

[loud cheering]

I won! I won!

[loud crash]In your [beep] face, Jimmy!

Way to go, Cheech!

Wait, what'd he say?

Yimmy! We won second place!

Hey, get your Chernobyl-lickin' tongue outta my husband's mouth.

Is that what I think it is?

It's these pants! They make me look huge!

And like I'm pointin' up!

Listen, Slut-tanka.

You boinkin' my husband?Dah.

Hoh! "Dah" means yes!

What's the Ruskie word for 'no'?

"Nyet".

That's it, I haven't boinked her. Nyet!

Ya haven't boinked her yet?

Well have fun with your Russian floozy, ya pig!

What's wrong with you? You're gonna get me killed.

Oh, you die for me? So romantic...

No, I die because of you!

You and I got no future, y'understand?

Forget future. Taste present!

BLECH...

Present taste like vodka and lip gloss.

Look, get it through your skull, I ain't interested.

Svetanka no believe you.

Alright then... I'm gay!

Ooh! Is hot.

I bring man to bedroom for Yimmy.

How about Juan Carlos?[laughs]

I watch.

Yeah, my answer to that is...

Hell no, we won't blow snow!

Hell no, we won't blow snow!

Would you guys just get outta here?

I don't need this crap!

We are not leaving until our demands are met!

Fine, let's just settle this thing.

You're willing to negotiate?

Wow, I thought you'd just hire a bunch of scabs

from the hobo jungle.

I tried that. Didn't turn out so good...

It's cold.

You wanna have sex?

[chanting continues]

So there it is.

I accounted for every day, right down to the minute.

You tell me,

when could I have possibly slept with Svetanka?

I know what I saw, "Yimmy"!

Okay, fine! Ya got me.

I been ridin' her like a freakin' tilt-a-whirl.

I knew it -- Wait a second...

You'd never admit to somethin' like that

unless you're lyin'.

And if you're lyin', it means you didn't do it!

Aw, c'mere ya big lug!

It's official.

I will never understand women.

[cackles]

[knocking]

"I vant you." Signed, Svetanka Gabba...

danova... illyanna... vitch.

Who was that?

[gasp] Is that for me?

You big sweetheart!

Let's do that! Right now!

[whispers] Bring the bear.

ALL: Hell no! We won't blow snow!

Ah!

What the hell are you doin' out there, ya whacko?

No more wait. Is time for sexy.

[growls]

[shudders]

I told ya before, I don't fool around on my wife. Ever.

Maybe this change your mind?

Hoh! Sweatanka -

For the last time, get outta here!

[squeaking]

And take your two perky friends with ya!

[squeaking]

If Cookie finds out this broad's stalkin' me,

she's gonna go ballistic!

She'll kill Svetanka, I'll be next,

and a coupla the kids might get clipped in the cross-fire.

It'll be a bloodbath!

But surely she won't blame you!

You're an innocent victim here.

Clearly you never been married.

And don't call me a 'victim'.

It makes me sound like a candyass.

Jimmy, don't you see?

You're keeping a secret from your wife.

That's just as bad as cheating.

Again, clearly, you've never been married.

Cookie's your partner for life.

Are you gonna start with that quality time crap again,

'cause that's what got me into this [beep]-show.

I know this is highly implausible

considering your background,

but I think you should tell the truth.

Ya think?

Alright, today's as good a day to die as any.

But just to be safe, I'll take Svetanka

into protective custody in the morning.

For Canada!

Where most men would pay to be stalked

by hot Russian girls!

[sonic boom]

ALL: Hell no! We won't blow snow!

Where you been?

Seein' McCool.

Don't worry, he'll corroborate.

Look, you and me gotta talk.What's up?

Ya know Sweatanka?

Yeah, what about her?

She's been stalkin' me.

[steam whistling]

Here we go...

Oh boy... Thanks for the crappy advice, McCool...

[sigh]

Well, I can't say I blame her.

You're not mad?

Oh, I'm gonna slice her up later, but I ain't mad at you.

You didn't do nothin'.

[clatter]What was that?

Whoa, this is just like that movie

where the crazy stalker broad cooks the rabbit.

Oh God, ya think she's in the house?

Hell, I bet she's right behind us.

Ah!

Wha? I'm makin' beans.

♪ [tense music]

Ugh. Won't you budge on anything?

Hey, hey, hey, I gave you a two percent wage increase

over ten years, didn't I?

What's takin' so long?

Those kids are still on the picket line.

Mary's got frostbite, Oliver's cryin' for his blankie,

and I don't even know why I'm still there!

Know what? Runnin' a union is too much hassle.

I'm out!

Oh no you're not!

You have a responsibility to those kids.

Don't make me sic the Labour Board on you.

Grow up, Petey. I already paid 'em off.

Speakin'a which...

What's this?

You and Theresa's cut of the money I made off this scam.

Count me in!

Um... I don't know...

I don't think I can...

And I just sold out.

Hey! Petey broke his cherry!

If Svetanka can't have Jimmy, no one can!

I never understood that about stalkers.

Ya love the guy, so why kill him?

It's stupid.

So... I kill you first?

Did I say 'stupid'? Let me re-phrase that...

Svetanka, you're never gonna have me,

so ya might as well just kill us.

[cocks gun]

But before you do,

can I have one last dance with my wife?

Dah. One more time you flop around like puppets,

then I shoot you.

♪ [tango music]

[loud crash]

[laughs]

You look like circus bear boxing a kangaroo!

[laughs]

Now THAT's what I call dancin'!

Jimmy, you're a genius!

Well, I got my moments.

[screams]

Jimmy look out!

JIMMY: Gina! Good job.

Beans!

Why'd you hit Cheech?

Eh, I was on a roll...

Pop, you get the quicklime. I'll chop her up.

See? Isn't this nice?

We're doin' stuff together...

It's quality time...

Just like McCool said.

Good news Jimmy, Svetanka's visa has expired!

We can deport...

Oh God... Is she dead?

Nah, but give us five minutes.

[laughter]