Original subtitles

How ya doin'? I'm Jimmy Falcone.

I used to be part of a crime family in New York,

and like any father, I wanted to see if my son

was cut out for the family business...

but ya can't just jump into extortion,

racketeering, and murder. Ya gotta take baby steps.

See that guy delivering papers on YOUR block?

Your turf. Don't you want a piece of that action?

Go.

There ya go! Look Out!

Oof! [Panting]

He's supposed to beat the kid up and take his money!

What's he doin'?

He's workin', Jimmy.

Makes me sick.

Okay, so we find someone weaker.

Build the kid's confidence...

See that old deadbeat?

He's behind on his payments.

Take care of him.

My first assault was an old guy, too.

Look at him. This is humiliating - Ow!

What the hell?

What's this about you groomin' Petey to take over

the family business? - What? No!

I can't believe ya picked him over me!

It's not like that. - Fine!

One day I'm gonna start my own crew and

I'll bury you, fat man!

[Gulp] - Anyhow...

I realized Petey wasn't cut out for gangsterin'.

No [beep], Sherlock.

But hey, now that I live in Regina and work in an office,

maybe my son will finally follow in my footsteps!

Actually, Pop, I'm gonna be a physicist.

Yeah right!

Like you could ever be a gym teacher!

Fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

Drive, Jimmy! Drive!

What's it look like I'm doin'? Givin' birth?

[Meows] - Ooohh!

I can't see!

Ow! Ow!

Okay, there's definitely a wall on your right side.

[Screeching tires, crash]

Screw it, we'll go on foot!

[Huffing and puffing]

Go on without me, Jimmy!

Leave me to die.

♪

Oh come on! You can't...

I just need a case of beer!

I can't believe you left me back there to die!

We didn't make it. It's closed.

Kill me now, Jimmy, please.

♪

Hey McCool! When I agreed to move to Canada,

nobody told me the government controls the liquor.

They also control gambling, medical marijuana,

and heroin injection sites!

No matter what your vice, Canada's got you covered.

Why can't I get a freakin' bottle of booze

after nine p.m.?

Jimmy, the days of drive-thru liquor at

alcoholic-enabling prices are behind you.

Mother Canada is here to save you from yourself.

[rears Horse] For Canada!

Where no one has fun after nine p.m.!

[Horse whinnies]

Except in Quebec!

[Grunts] - Oh, cheer up!

One night without a few drinks ain't gonna kill ya.

That ain't the point!

Nobody tells me when I can and can't enjoy a drink!

Well, looks like Mother Canada just did,

ya big baby.

Screw this. I got an idea.

Back in prohibition days, how did people get booze?

Mama used to blow sailors for a bottle of gin...

Which way to the docks?

♪

For the last time, I didn't take your cheap,

gold-plated earrings that are only worth

six bucks at the pawn shop.

It's not that. It's my report card.

I'm acing all my classes - straight D's -

except I got this one 'F'.

You're failin' P.E? HAHA!

Who the hell fails gym?

Gym? I thought P.E. was a bathroom break.

Anyway, if I fail, I fail the eleventh grade.

Coach says the only way I can pass is to sign up

for an intramural sport.

If ya ask me the only sport

worth signing up for is hockey.

It's got speed, blades, and fighting.

I don't know. - You're right.

Look at the bright side...

After ya fail, you and Petey can be in the same grade!

YEAH! You can be lab partners,

share a locker, eatin' lunch at the nerd table.

Stop it! Stop it! I'll play hockey!

Ah, but it's gonna suck to have three periods.

♪

You boys do realize the liquor store's open again.

We don't need 'em no more.

Mother Canada can blow me.

Well don't come cryin' to me if drinkin' that crap

makes ya go blind.

Jimmy, if we do go blind, can I get a monkey?

Hey. This beer ain't half-bad.

Half-bad? It's whole good!

What a relief!

Now we gotta have to throw all this out.

♪

Oh for cryin' out loud!

I'm gettin' sick of you two sittin' around

drinkin' beer all day! You wanna be bums?

Go do it in the garage!

We can't, coz the garage is fulla beer.

Hoh!

Ow. - Oh.

Well could ya at least quit usin' our living room

as your own personal clubhouse.

Why you gettin' on our case, Cook?

We ain't hurtin' no one! - Oh no?

What about the example you're settin' for the kids?

Nah, they know better than to sit around

drinkin' like degenerates.

What are you lookin' at old man?

You wanna fight? - [Glass shatters]

I'll[beep] fight ya!

♪

I don't know why I didn't think of this place sooner.

It's right next door and no one's lived here for months.

It's gonna be perfect. Our own personal clubhouse.

I always wanted to have a man-cave...

that wasn't, you know, an actual cave.

♪

Okay, let's work on the fundamentals.

You mean skating and teamwork?

Nah, fugget all that.

First off, both ends of your stick come in handy.

Ooh! [Coughs] - See?

It's easy to make that one look accidental

if you're keepin' up appearances.

Now later, when you're not...

This is called "shirting".

[Punching sounds]

Ya do this on the street, ya get five months.

In here, ya get five minutes.

God I love this game! [Yells]

♪

Once we get power, we should put in a

big-screen TV and a juke-box.

And a bubble machine, Jimmy!

Nothin' says man-cave like a bubble machine.

[Crash]

I thought this place was empty.

It's s'posed to be. C'mon.

Maybe it's one of them polter-ghosts.

Ya mean "geist".

What the hell's a geister-ghost?

♪

Ah, there's nothin' here.

[Loud burp]

♪

[Shattering glass] - How's it goin', eh?

Who the hell are you and what are you doin'

in our clubhouse?

I'm Mike, that's Ricky,

and this here's Kenny.

Thanks... for giving me one of my beers.

It's ghost beer now, Jimmy!

Let it go.

Somethin' tells me you're not the new owners.

Well, no.

We smelled fresh brew, door was open,

the mat said "Welcome"...

woulda been kinda rude not to come in you know.

Well, you guys are still trespassin'.

Come on, fellas.

Let's go find a snowbank where we can drink in peace

until the cops come... - [Crying]

Don't worry, Kenny.

We'll find a warm place

to drink this amazing beer.

Really? You guys like it?

Like it? It's the best.

It's even better than what ya get at the beer store.

And I bet around here we wouldn't have to worry

about bein' cut off

'cause we're all "intoxicated".

Or 'cause they're "closed".

I know what that's like!

You know what? Make yourself at home boys.

Cheers fellas! Welcome to our club!

Where men are free to do whatever they wanna do!

[Zipper]

What the hell are ya doin' Cheech?

I'm takin' a dump on the floor!

[Grunts]

[yells] FREEEEEDOM!

[Laughing]

We'll keep the party goin'

til you guys get back, okay?

[Laughing]

Nice buncha guys.

Hey McCool. What are ya doin' here?

I felt bad about denying you and Cheech's alcoholic

tendencies the other night...

So I'm here to show you that we Canadians

still know how to have a good time...

...but not a long time. I have to work tomorrow.

Sorry, McCool. We're drunk out.

We been partyin' with the neighbors all night.

Great Geddy Lee!

[Laughing] - Those are hosers!

What the hell's a hoser?

Allow me to enlighten you with this

National Film Board of Canada educational film.

♪

The Great Canadian Hoser evolved under the harshest

of winter conditions, but homo hoserectus

has proven himself a survivor...

This meek creature got his name

from having to flood, or "hose", the ice

after losing each hockey game.

The Hoser's inability to attract breeding partners

has resulted in a steep decline in its population.

Their struggle for survival is compounded by

encroaching subcultures of Emos, Metrosexuals,

and white people who like hip-hop.

Today, sightings of this plaid-shirted

nincompoop of the North are increasingly rare.

For more information on the Hoser,

contact The Heritage Protection Council of Canada

or visit your local beer store.

Gentlemen, we are in the presence

of a wonder of nature.

[Farts]

[Laughing] - Yeah, hoh, yeah.

That was excellent.

♪

It's too cold. My ankles hurt.

I can't do hockey.

Yes you can.

Just pretend the other team's a bunch of

crazy broads at a shoe sale.

Now get in there and take what's yours!

[Fighting sounds]

How'd I do? - Not bad.

Next time don't hold back.

♪

Okay, this game is called Brewski Roulette!

One of these beers is loaded.

So ya randomly pick one

and open it near your face.

Ahhh! - [Laughing]

Oh, yeah.

Ya been hosed, ya hoser! [Laughs]

Now...

Hoh! - No, no.

This next game is choice.

Okay. So like ya take a nickel, eh?

Put 'er between your cheeks...

okay, and you get a clench on, right...

and you just like, yu know...

Giv'er! - Ting!

Hoh! - Yeah! [Laughs]

That, ladies and gentlemen,

is how ya play bum darts.

We have much to learn from your people.

[Sighs, grunts]

I think it went up. - Hoh hoh!

That's cheating!

♪

Ow!

Two minutes for spearing...

That's it, you're a growing girl.

[Growls]

Yeah, hit her! We're not playin' in Europe!

[Gasp] - [Growls]

[Screams, cheering]

There ya go! Now we're havin' fun!

♪

See ya later, Cook. We'll be next door, eh?

Again? That's the third night this week.

I know, eh?

But for the first time since we moved here,

I met some fellas I can really relate to.

Look at yourself.

You can't walk two steps without breakin' into a sweat,

you smell like the floor of a saloon,

and if you say 'eh' one more time

without meanin' the first letter of the alphabet,

I'll twist your nuts off.

I can still go, right?

Hehehe.

C'mon Cookie. I'm just goin' over there

for a quick round of bum darts.

Jesus, it's worse than I thought!

It's not what ya think!

It's just a fun little game.

Jimmy. Think back to the old life.

When you were hangin' around the club with your friends,

did you guys ever play games that involved...

your butts?

[Ticking sounds, ding!]

Hoh... you put it like that, it sounds all kinds of wrong.

Warm up the TV. I'm stayin' in.

But first I gotta throw out all our nickels.

♪

Oh, hello.

You must be one of Theresa's many, many boyfriends?

[Deep voice] Petey, it's me.

Have we met before?

I can't quite place you.

Well, better get back to the books.

Nice meeting you.

[Gasps] Oh my god.

What's happening to me?

[Growls]

Hey Jimmy!

Jimmy!

Just ignore 'em and they'll go away.

[Shattering glass]

What's the opposite of ignore?

Cause that's what I'm about to do.

What are you idiots doin'?

I'm trying to watch TV with my wife and

you're breakin' my windows?

We just want ya to come over, Jimmy!

Kenny got fireworks!

We're gonna set 'em off in the house!

Normally I'd bust your head open,

but you get a pass 'cause you're mentally challenged.

Ooh take off your dress lady and

come party with some real men, eh!

Alright, I'm warnin' ya now, and ya only get one.

Oof! That's it!

Ahhh! - Whoa, Jimmy.

I can't allow you to assault these gentlemen.

What the hell are ya doin'?

I reported the Hoser sighting to the

Heritage Protection Council of Canada,

and they have proclaimed this land to be a National Preserve,

a protected domain for the endangered Hoser peoples.

Are you freakin' serious?

I'm as serious as an Atom Egoyan film.

Ohh I think he just called Jimmy a Gonad.

They're here to stay, Jimmy, and you,

I'm afraid, are trespassing.

WHAT!

Jimmy, check out these birthday candles from Rome

that Kenny gave me. And it ain't even my birthday!

[Bang] - Ow, that smarts!

[Bang] - OW! Jesus, another one?

Ooh, I think that's the last -

[Bang]

Marone, those Romans know how to party!

[Snoring]

Nuh unh uh!

[Sighs]

Look at these freeloaders livin' off the

government like a buncha war widows.

Those stinkin' widows get all the breaks.

[Car horn]

Woohoo!

Ow! What the hell?

Hi Pop.

Petey, what are you doin' up there?

I'm observing the neighbors for an anthropology paper:

"Hosers in the Mist."

I've collected fascinating data on

their nesting patterns.

I'm hoping to analyze a sample of their droppings.

Some of them droppings are mine.

How long ya been up there?

This is day six.

You're hidin' up a tree spyin' on three men.

Is there somethin' I need to know about ya, kid?

No, but could you empty my pee-jug?

Whoa!

♪ [Rock music]

Turn off the -

Yo McCool, tell these morons to turn their music down!

I wish I could, Jimmy, but Canadian Classic Rock

from the eighties is their cultural birthright.

Would you tell an Indian not to bang a drum?

A Quebecer not to eat poutine?

An Albertan not to marry his cousin?

Ah my parents were cousins - no,

wait...siblings.

Hey Jimmy!

I got someone who wants to say hi!

[Laughing]

Yeah, this is awesome.

Lookin' good, Mike!

Alright, if we can't touch these guys,

we're just gonna have to drive 'em out...

Ya want me to get the car?

No, I want you to turn on the hose.

Let the ice-related injuries begin.

Ouch, uh, Cheech, gimme a hand here.

Sure Jimmy. I'll just - woaah, ow!

Whoa. - Ow!

Hey... whoa!

Woo... [Laughing]

Oh, wow, Jimmy.

How the hell are you stayin' on your feet!

The ol' beercap on the boot.

What a noble people.

They use every part of the beer.

Alright, we're gonna cut their power, 'cause if

I gotta listen to "Raise a Little Hell" by Trooper

one more time, I'm goin' on a shootin' spree.

[Electric zap]

What the..?

[Laughing, farting]

Wily bastards. Time to play hardball.

Nothin' drives people out like good ol' toxic waste.

That's probably what drove my third wife away.

Yeah, Cheech. Toxic waste.

In your Brooklyn apartment.

Beauty, eh?

Beauty, eh. It's like the northern lights landed.

You get the beer, I'll get the Kim Mitchell.

That's it!

One of us has gotta go, so here's the deal.

One game of Brewski Roulette.

Mano a hoso.

If I win, you guys move away and never come back.

You're on, eh?

But if we win, we get your house!

My house? Alright, fine.

Either way, I get you mooks outta my life.

See ya tomorrow!

Tomorrow!

And don't get cold feet, eh?

Oh we won't!

I can't even feel my feet.

♪

What're ya doin'?

You should be suitin' up for the big game.

I'm not playing. I'm out.

I already got my P.E. credit.

Are you kiddin?

Ya got a beautiful thing in your grasp and

I ain't lettin' ya throw away my big chance!

Your chance? How is this about you?

Shut up and put on your skates, Frankenstein...

If you like hockey so much, why don't you play?

BECAUSE THEY WON'T LET ME!

I don't wanna give ya the gory details,

'cause there's a lot of 'em,

but I got banned from hockey forever.

Apparently the only blades you can use are

the ones on your skates.

Aw Gina... I had no idea.

Why would ya? You're dumb as a post.

But you sure do shine on that ice.

What a waste.

Maybe I got one more game in me.

Ya do? - For you I do.

It's just the Moose Jaw Milkmaids.

Bunch of farmers daughters. I'll cream 'em for ya!

You're the best, sis!

Alright, cut it out. Your beard's scratchin' me.

♪

According to the official rules of Brewski Roulette

scratched in the bar at Jerry's Tavern in Thunder Bay,

three beers in the case are loaded.

First one to spray two beers in his face loses, eh?

Sounds legit.

Jimmy! No!

Have you lost your freakin' mind?

You're bettin' our house on a stupid drinkin' game?

I won't let you do it. - Oh, [whip sound].

Shut up, ya drunken mooch!

Cookie's right! They're baiting you, Jimmy.

You can't win.

Hosers always think three beers ahead.

I gotta do this.

I can't live this way no more.

Also, I'm kinda thirsty.

Ah! - Ugh!

Ha! Nice one, Jimmy!

Whokay, no, just a false alarm.

♪

Whoa! - Hahaha!

It's down to four beers.

Two beers, Jimmy. Two.

Shut up, McCools.

♪

Who's the best! - Right here, guy.

Pack 'er up, eh?

You been hosed!

Not so fast...

I wanted to study the effects of imported beer

on hoser physiology.

Everyone knows a genuine hoser's body will reject

any beer that isn't brewed in Canada.

You've been drinking American beer!

You hosers are posers!

So what? A bet's a bet, eh?

And we won.

That may be the case, but you will no longer enjoy

the protective embrace of the Heritage Protection

Council of Canada. Hosers are endangered,

but goofball louts like you are a dime a dozen.

You boys are on your own.

Good day... eh?

Well Jimmy, looks you better start packin'!

That was pathetic. I can't believe you lost!

Who knew the Moosejaw Milkmaids would be

so freakin' tough?

Oh, look at that hot chick, eh!

I'd sure like to slip a puck past her goalie.

What did you say?

♪

Finally disposed of that toxic waste, Jimmy?

Yeah...

yeah, that's it, toxic waste.

♪