Original subtitles

How'ya doin'? I'm Jimmy Falcone,

alias McDougal.

Before I moved to the not-so-Great White North,

I was a capo in the mob.

Crime's been in my family for generations.

It all started with my grand-pops, Giuseppe.

He was a shoemaker in the old country.

Real handsome devil.

Anyway, one day the village Don asked him

to make a pair of shoes.

The Don believed shoe-size

was a reflection of his manhood,

his size-four manhood.

He coulda drove a big car

or bought a freakin' boat or somethin',

but the guy wanted big shoes. Whaddaya gonna do?

Personally I'da blamed the whole thing on gravity,

but gravity wasn't invented back then,

so Giuseppe hadda skip town.

By the time he got to the next village,

he was met by fear and respect.

Dante Respect and Luciano Fear

had a family that needed some muscle.

Giuseppe just whacked a Don,

so he seemed like a good fit.

[laughter]

All those years dealin' with feet

made him kinda homicidal,

so grand-pops moved up the ranks pretty fast.

Then one day he came to America -

Ya mean he got run outta Italy!

Point is, even though I'm livin' like a schmuck in Regina,

I like to think he's lookin' down on me and smilin'...

...and wonderin' why the hell ya threw his family business

down the crapper!

You know what? Just Fugget About It!

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

Alright, scumbag.

You think you can come onto my turf

and just take what you want?

Do you even know who I am?

Ya got three seconds to get the hell outta here.

Now is that nice?

I give ya a chance to walk away

and ya just laugh in my face?

Did you just eat a condom?

Alright, enough screwin' around.

Say hello to my enormous friend.

[shrieks]

Yeah, that's right.

Go home to your mother, ya overgrown rat!

...to conclude my show-and-tell

if a man at the park asks you into the woods

to find his lost dog, remember...

there is no dog.

Good job, Mary.

You go sit with Prudence the Safety Hippo.

Gina, your turn.

Alright, let's get this over with.

I wanna talk about personal safety.

There's a lotta creeps and weirdos out there -

not to mention stoolies, deadbeats,

and guys who just don't listen.

Ya gotta protect yourself...

so you're gonna need one of these.

[gasps]

She's got a gun!

Relax! It ain't loaded. [alarm rings]

Now it's loaded.

ALL: Ooh!

Alright, who took my facial stuff?

No idea.

Jesus Christ!

You look like a sixty-year old avocado.

Well, I took care of that raccoon.

Sent him runnin' with his tail between his legs...

least I think it was his tail.

If not, you should see the wang on that rodent.

TV ANCHOR: Breaking news!

Celine Dion Elementary is under lockdown

after reports of a gunman holding a class hostage!

That's Gina's school!

Oh my God, we gotta get down there right now!

No can do. This stuff takes twenty minutes.

Jimmy, we gotta go!

Where the hell's Jimmy?

[loud crash]

What are ya waitin' for? Let's roll!

...good question, Billy.

Personally, I like to go for the knees.

But, if ya gotta take someone out,

give 'em two to the chest and one to the head.

After that, he ain't gettin' up no more...

Okay, any other questions?

Besides "Can I hold the gun?"

ALL: Awwww!

Alright, we need firepower. Wanna take the Uzis?

Nah, I don't wanna look like a show-off.

I hate to say it,

but shouldn't we just let the cops handle this?

You worry too much!

We know what we're doin'.[loud shot]

Shots fired! We need guns, dammit!

I'm filling out the requisition as fast as I can!

Get your ass in there!

And take some grenades!

[♪]

I can't remember which classroom's Gina's.

I only been here once for interviews

and I was pretty drunk.

Whoa![loud shot]

[screaming]

There they go! Saskatchewan's finest!

[neighing]

Fear not Cookie, I came as soon as I heard!

No time for pleasantries, I'd better get inside...

But may I say, it's a glorious morning today!

Dammit McCool, there's no time!

No [beep]! Get in there and save my daughter.

For Canada, where we downplay

our increasingly frequent gun violence!

[loud crash]

If there ain't any more questions, I guess I'm done.

Ahh! [loud shot]

Oh. ALL: Oh!

Gina, I been lookin' all over for ya!

Oh crap. You're the guy with the gun.

Whoa! You brought shotguns?

And a troll!

This ain't good. We better beat it -

Hey McCool! You here for Safety Week?

It appears you own a number of illegal guns, Jimmy.

I'm going to have to conduct

a thorough search of the premises.

Do you have any idea the paperwork

this is going to generate? DO YOU?

You're blowin' this way out of prop...

porp... size.

Pop, this fell again.

I told you it's too heavy to use as a curtain-rod.

Daddy, you left this in the bathroom.

I almost dried my hair with it.

Really? Both of ya?

Exactly now?

Jimmy, I can't keep this under my mattress no more.

Keeps pokin' me in my sensitive areas.

McCOOL: Sweet Kiefer Sutherland, Jimmy!

Why you gotta make such a big deal?

It's just a few home-security items.

Just having that one within our borders

violates the Geneva convention!

This is just like Chuck Heston warned us.

One day the government's gonna show up

and take all our guns.

Next thing ya know, we're in camps gettin' brainwashed

about evolution and global warming.

I got a constitutionary right to bear arms!

Yeah! You can't tell people what to do with their sleeves!

Perhaps you possessed that right when you were American.

But you're Canadian now.It's true, Pop.

Canada's Charter of Rights and Freedoms

does not protect gun ownership.

Or as they say in Quebec:

La Charte canadienne des droits et libertés

ne protège pas la possession d'armes.

I memorized it in both official languages!

Now you're turnin' my own son against me.

And you got him talkin' Spanish!

Is this everything?

You're not holding out on me, are you?

Me? Hold out on a cop? Never.

Then what's that slight bump on your waistband?

I'm a little excited, thanks for noticing.

Lift your shirt, Jimmy.

Is this how you get your kicks, McCool?

You really oughta see a therapist.

For chrissake, just hand it over!

What, you too?

McCool's right.

Like it or not, we're Canadian.

Dont'cha think it's time you assimilated?

No! I've had this gun since I was ten.

No one's takin' Remington Steele!

Hand it over, Jimmy.

What if I don't?

Then I shall be forced to arrest you.

You'll be charged, tried, convicted,

then remanded to jail.

The days will be lonely and the nights long...

Until your cellmate, Rusty,

sells you to the Skinheads who run the yard.

No amount of toilet-brewed prison wine

will erase the memory of their oddly gentle love.

You want this gun, McCool?

You're gonna have to pry it from my cold, dead pants.

"Hands", Jimmy. I think you mean "hands".

Whatever! You're not gettin' it.

I'm a responsible gun owner.

Hey, where'd it go?

Dance, [beep]![loud shots]

Dance!

[maniacal laugh]

[groans]

I was just gettin' my rhythm!

Hoho, look who's back in town.

Feelin' strong today?

'cause I got somethin' for ya...

Oh, crap...

Alright, let's do it the old-fashioned way.

Put up your...dukes? Uh, claws? Hoofs?

What do you call them foot-hands?

[growling]

Alright, which one of you is first?

[screams]

Oh! Ho! Oh!

Well kid, ya really did it this time.

They're gonna kick ya outta school...

Yes!

...unless you take this medication.

No!

They're puttin' me on drugs?

It's called Apacify.

It reduces psychotic tendencies in children.

Side effects may include dry mouth, disorientation,

nausea, and increased thoughts of murder.

Huh, well, I'm sure they wouldn't prescribe it

if it wasn't a hundred percent safe.

Tell that to Mr. Flip.

His ma took thalidomide. Look how he turned out!

Mr. Flip turned out fine!

It's not his fault he's a monster.

I ain't takin' 'em!

I don't like this either

but if you don't, they'll take you away from us

and send ya to a special school where ya gotta wear a helmet.

You always told me drugs was bad!

This is medicine!

It comes from a nice man in a laboratory.

Drugs come from a bad man on the street corner.

You mean like the guys who used to work for Pop?

Quit stallin' kid. Pill or helmet? Your call.

There! Ya happy?

Your daughter's a freakin' druggie now!

Congrats, you just won Mother of The Year!

Oh God, I hope this is the right thing to do.

AH! Eww!

Don't touch me with that thing!

Ah... [gasp]

I just got rolled by a [beep] raccoon!

[zips]

Ever since I got up today, I been feelin' off-balance...

and I got a persistent itch in my trigger finger.

Don't you see, Pop?

When you gave McCool your gun,

you gave up an essential part of your American identity.

You're right. Now I gotta steal it back.

It's gonna be hard with no gun.

Or, you could finally embrace life as a Canadian.

How the hell do I do that?

By embarking on a long voyage

of introspection and self-discovery.

Self-discovery?

Like what you were doin' when I walked in here?

No, I'm talking about a spiritual makeover.

Did someone say "makeover?"

What? My fashion sense was tingling!

[♪]

Jeans, jean shirt, and a jean jacket.

It's a Canadian Tuxedo!

These jeans are too tight.

[pop]Ah!

What was that?

My balls just went back in.

[pop]

...and they're out.

I still don't get why I'm tied up.

I'm going to teach you the most important part

of being Canadian.

You need to suppress your innate American urge

for self-preservation and apologize to me.

For what? Ow! Ya Motherf-

It's the Canadian way!

I wrong you, you say sorry to me.

Ow! Ow!

You're grounded.

What are you doing?

I'm using aversion therapy to turn Pop Canadian.

That's for grounding me last week!

That's for taking away my make-up!

That's for not letting me date a black guy!

It wasn't racial! He was forty years old!

[sigh] Thanks Petey.

I feel a lot better.

Sorry.

Sorry...

Really [beep] sorry...

I believe we've made a breakthrough.

What's goin' on, Petey?

What's the big surprise?

I present to you... [drum roll]

Canadian Dad!

I don't get it. He looks the same,

except he's dressed as a Village People.

Go on Pop, say it.

Sorry.

No, the other thing.

[sigh] Forget a-boot it.

Oh my God! He's a whole new man!

This calls for a celebration!

You're finally a real Canadian.

I'm so proud of ya.

What the [beep]?

Hi Mommy! Hi Daddy!

Guess what! I did all my homework!

You did your homework?

Uh huh.

And then I cleaned my room.

And Then I cleaned Petey's room,

and then I made Uncle Cheech and me had a tea party!

Who wants huggie-poos?

Gina, you feelin' okay?

Petey made you Canadian too?

No, Daddy.

It's because of the magic happy pills Mommy gave me.

These rainbows are made of smiles,

wishes, and good dreams!

Speaking of good dreams

I'm gonna skedaddle off to bed!

Night night!

Wow. I guess that Apacify stuff really works.

If you want me to babysit tonight,

I'm gonna need a bottle of whatever she's on.

Jimmy, ya didn't yell at the parking guy

for scratchin' the car.

Ya didn't send back that pink chicken.

And ya gave the squeegee kid a loonie

instead of runnin' him over.

Frankly, I'm blown away by the new you.

Hey! We're standin' in line here!

Those were our tickets!

Jimmy, do somethin'!

I got it.

Sorry my wife yelled at ya!

Ugh!

Hold this.

[loud thumps and screams]

[man sobbing]

Here's your purse back.Keep it. Looks better on you.

Some night out!

I really wanted to see that movie, but noooo...

Captain Canada here

had to drive those mooks to the hospital.

You're the one who wanted me to be Canadian.

The Jimmy I know woulda taken apart

those line-jumpin' jagoffs.

Bein' Canadian doesn't mean

ya gotta let people walk all over ya!

I didn't let 'em walk all over me.

I took the high road.

Yeah, the high road to Wuss-burg.

I wanted ya to give up your gun.

Not your entire freakin' manhood.

What are you sayin'? I ain't a man no more?

'Coz if you want a man, I'll show you a man!

C'mere baby!

Ooh! Now we're talkin'!

Ooooh! There's my big, strong man.

There's those big, strong arms...

And there's your big, strong...

Your big, strong...

JIMMY: Gimme a sec.

Where are ya, big fella?

Lemme concentrate...

C'mon what's the matter with ya,

Up... come on...

[mutters in Italian]

[sigh] We could just...cuddle?

ANNOUNCER: Tonight on TBS,

Matthew McConaughey in "Failure to Launch"!

[sigh]

[squealing]

[groan]

Hey Jimmy, who died?

What? I'm fine.

You can't fool me.

I know somethin's wrong.

Spit it out.

Well, I got this friend, see...

He's havin' a little problem.

Stop right there.

Who's this [beep] friend?

I thought I was your friend!

Shut up! The guy's in trouble!

You don't wanna help? Get outta here!

Okay, relax. I'm listenin'.

Alright, look.

Not to get too specific,

but let's just say, my friend, who is not me,

is no longer able to achieve or maintain

a viable...erection.

Quit beatin' around the bush.

What's your friend's problem?

His ring-a-ding-ding's got no dong.

Hoh! Why ya gotta be so graphic?

Okay. I got this.

Ol' Cheech knows a thing or two about a thing or two.

Ya do?Oh yeah.

There's a simple solution.

Really? Thank God!

Tell your friend... to blow his brains out.

WHAT?That's right.

It's over. He ain't a man no more.

Tell him to make a dignified exit.

You'll be doin' him a favour.

Jesus, I was mad at the guy,

now I just pity the poor son of a bitch.

[sigh]

Hi Daddy!

Can I nudge in there and brush Mister Chompers?

Sure kid...whatever.

Oh, who's a big glummy-pants?

Let's see a smile, Captain Frowns-A-lot!

Mommy!

Daddy's being a grumpy-puss!

What's goin' on in here?

Daddy's sad, Mommy!

Do you think we should give him some of my magic happy pills?

Huh mom?

No! Those are for you, and not for much longer.

Run along now.

I don't know about you, Jimmy,

but that kid's startin' to freak me out.

Leave her alone. She's happy.

What's wrong with you?

Our little girl ain't our little girl no more!

Can't you see that?

Hey. She's Canadian. What do ya want?

Now excuse me,

I gotta go pay protection to some raccoons.

[sobbing]

What's wrong, Ma?

Did you see Petey's internet history?

Worse! He turned your father into a Canadian

and now he's... not himself.

You probably don't wanna hear this,

but our walls are real thin,

and I know you and Dad are havin' a -

[cough] intimacy problem.

Oh God, the thought of -

[gags] you listening.

I know this is gonna sound wrong -

[swallows vomit]

But I think I can help.

Not... Another...

[retches] Word...

Theresa, this problem runs a lot deeper than what...

[gagging]

...you're talkin' about.

Ma, he's an Italian guy.

It don't go any deeper than that.

You need to make him jealous.

When one of my boyfriends doesn't pay attention to me,

I flirt with someone else.

You should do that.

Jesus forgive me for talkin' to my daughter about this.

Lemme get this straight. [vomits]

All I need is some stud to slobber all over me,

Jimmy gets jealous, turns into the gorilla that he is,

and everything's back to normal?

Exactly!

And then we never speak of this again.

Yes... [gurgling]

please.

But first -

[vomits, swallows]

...we're goin' to confession.

Normally I wouldn't participate in such subterfuge,

but seeing as it's for Jimmy, count me in.

Alright, when Jimmy walks in,

we're gonna be on the couch smoochin' and canoodlin'.

I'll be rubbin' your muscles...

Don't worry. It don't mean nothin'.

[chuckles]

You might wanna lose the shirt

and oil yourself up, big guy.

[gasp] Cookie!

Get a hold of yourself!

It's been a few days. My hormones are ragin' here.

I'll behave.

[gasp]

Quick, get on the couch!

Oh no!

My husband has caught us in a compromising position.

Surely now he will be so enraged,

he'll beat the crap out of my lusty paramour -

What? No one said anything about -

And sweep me off my feet, carry me upstairs,

and make angry, righteous love to me!

Cook, what are ya doin'?

Or...he could skip the beating up part

and go straight to the hot, crazy Baboon lovin'?

Look, it's real sweet of ya to try and snap me out of this,

but ya don't gotta debase yourself

with this greasy Latin hustler -

Jimmy, it's me -

Silencio Muchacho!

This is between me and my wife...

who I can no longer pleasure.

Snap out of it!

All of this because ya hadda give up your stupid gun?

The gun was the last thing I had from the ol' life.

I used to be Jimmy Falcone, King of New York.

Now I gotta accept that I'm Jimmy McDougal,

King of the Schnooks.

Jimmy, you're a lot of things...

a good breadwinner, a loyal husband,

a totally half-assed father,

but you'll never be a schnook.

Cook, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me,

and I wish it was true.

Oh for God's sake! He's killin' me here!

What do I gotta do - [phone rings]

Jimmy McDougal, former man.

Gina, slow down.

...jump into a lion cage? Put the kids in danger?

What's that Gina? You're in danger?

What do I do, McCool? Tell me!

I gotta get down to the school!

Ah!

[car drives off]

Where's he goin'?

What the hell just happened?

I don't know, but this spray-tan

is giving me a tremendous rash...

Took ya long enough

to get down here, ya moron!

Hoh! What's with you? Why you bein' so mean?

I thought you was on good-girl pills?

I never took those stupid pills!

I been fakin' the whole time!

What? Why?

To get Ma off my freakin' back!

I been dumpin' the pills in the teacher's candy dish

and Prudence the Safety Hippo got into them

and went nuts!

Hang on a sec. I'm not followin'...

What's a Hippo got to do with safety?

[loud roar][bell rings]

[screaming]

That is one angry, angry Hippo.

Come on, ya son of a bitch.

[loud roar]

[loud bang]

Whoa, I think ya killed him.

You think? Let's make sure.

[loud grunting]

Whoa, that felt good!

Alright kid, I gotta go.

You be good now.

"Good"?

I mean you be you.

Will do.

You know, I kind of feel bad for the kid in that suit...

Suit?

Jimmy, what happened?

[grunt]

I deserved that, Jimmy.

COOKIE: Oh my God, you're you again!

Did you get a gun or somethin'?

Oh, I got one baby, and it's made of wood!

[laughter]