Original subtitles

- Hey, hey, it's the monkees.

- Hi, daddy. - Yay, daddy's home.

- Hey.

- How was chicago?

- What are you saying, I'm cheating on you?

Is that it?

She means nothing!

You missed me. - [chuckling]

- You missed all that fun stuff.

- Daddy, what did you bring us?

- I bring you? Um...

All right, well, let's see. Got something.

I brought you something. Okay.

For michael,

Some lovely apricot shampoo.

Yeah.

For geoffrey,

Conditioner.

Mm.

All imported from the enchanted isle of marriott.

You having trouble getting your shoes on, ally?

Not anymore.

- Ray.

- Don't worry, I didn't forget you, my darling.

For mommy, something as sweet as she is,

Some fine candy.

- Aww, the mints from your pillow.

- Yeah, that's part of the hotel's turndown service.

- Well, tonight you're gonna get my turndown service.

- Well, I guess mommy doesn't want peanuts

From the sky.

- Hi, everybody.

- Oh, there you are.

- What took you so long?

- Yeah, you're just coming from across the street.

- Yeah, well, I got confused

And went to where I wished you lived.

- All right, they're here, let's do this.

- Wait, wait, wait, what about the other guests?

- What other guests? Everyone's here.

Do you have the mortgage? - Yeah, here we go.

I've been waiting 30 years to do this.

- There you go.

- There we go. - Ooh.

- [chuckling] yeah.

- Oh-ho.

- Yay.

[applause]

- The house is now paid off.

And here's to the wonderful people

At lynbrook mortgage,

Thanks for the calendars,

And you can all kiss my great american ass.

- [laughs]

- Grandpa. Grandpa.

- Oh, oh, sorry, kids. Don't say "ass."

Hey, that was fun. - Yeah.

Let's have a real party.

Marie, go get our marriage license.

- You know, now that the place is all ours,

I can't wait to redecorate

And get rid of some of that old stuff.

So long, frank.

- All right. Can we eat, please?

- Yeah, okay. Come on, kids.

- Mom, dad, congratulations.

The house becomes part of your estate,

Which, in the old country, would be passed down

To the firstborn son.

- In the old country, you'd be working in the circus.

- Monkey suit's coming off.

- So, marie, what happened?

I thought you were gonna have a big party to celebrate.

- It is a party. I made bruschetta.

- Oh, well, I thought when you said you were having a party,

That would include--

I don't know, some friends.

- Oh, who has time for friends?

Have a deviled egg, dear.

- What do you mean you don't have time for friends?

- Well, after you and raymond moved in,

I mean, I guess someone had to help you raise a family,

So we had to give--

We just had to give up some things.

- Your social life?

- Well, we still have a social life.

- Ma, robert's eating all the deviled egg,

Won't give me any.

- They don't feed us enough in the circus.

- Yeah, ha.

- [laughs]

[coughs]

- Hey, did my father give geoffrey some wine today?

- No, why?

- 'cause I was putting him to bed,

He said, "I love you, man."

Perhaps you would like some wine.

- Hey, listen, you know what your mom told me at that party?

They don't have any friends.

- You sound surprised.

- Well, it's kind of sad. It's kind of sad.

- Well, it's not sad for the people

Who would have to be their friends.

- Except we have to be their friends.

- That is a little sad. - Yeah.

I mean, look, we're their whole lives.

And it occurred to me that if they had more friends,

We'd have less them.

- Have you worked out a budget for this?

- All right. Break it up.

- Oh, what? What do you want?

We just saw you.

- We just brought you some leftovers.

- They don't qualify as leftovers if they're still warm.

- Let's watch some highlights.

- Frank, you already watched this game.

- So I know how good the highlights will be.

Let's not ruin these by talking.

- [clears throat]

So, gosh, marie, it must feel so liberating

To own the house now, huh?

- Yeah.

- Gosh, think of all the things you can do now,

Like, gosh, you could entertain more.

- Hey, we just had a party.

What are we, studio 54?

- But, really, you deserve your own social life, you know?

Especially now that all your house obligations are over

And we seem to be managing.

- Mm-hmm.

- Now might be the perfect time for you to just say,

"hi, neighbor."

- I got all the friends I need right here.

- You see, debra?

I mean, I would love to start entertaining again,

But if we have guests,

What am I supposed to do with this?

- Tell them that you lost a bet

And you got to clean and feed him for another year.

- Come on, we all know that frank can be a lot of fun.

Hey, you know who else is a lot of fun?

The mauers next door. - Mm-hmm.

- I like the mauers, yeah. - Yes.

- No can do.

- Well, why not?

- Because I may or may not

Recently have flipped one of them the bird.

What?

He was trying to put a piece of garbage in our garbage can.

- Well, that's no reason to flip them a bird.

- Hey, I can't have the garbage man thinking I dye my hair.

- Oh, so then all that is natural.

- Hey, you know who's cool? The stipes.

- Yes, the stipes. - Yeah.

- Who? - You remember.

The--those old, nice people that robert lived with

The first time he moved out?

Yeah, if they're still alive, they're very friendly.

- I ran into the husband in a hardware store,

He's actually not a jerk.

- Well, see, it sounds like you guys

Would have a blast together.

- Really, probably would.

- But what are we supposed to do with these stipes?

- I don't know, you could...

Invite them over for dinner or drinks.

- You could play "guess what I forgot."

- What about a board game?

- Yes, yes, a board game, great idea.

- Oh, that's a good idea, debra.

Frank, we're having company.

- They better like swearing.

- Well, what should we do? Should we call them?

- Only as soon as possible.

[laughs]

- You know who has their number?

Robert, who lives in your house right now.

- Oh, I have so many menu ideas.

- Yeah, we're all very excited.

Out of the chair, dad.

- Yeah, hey. - Come on.

- I just want to watch--

- Yeah, well, go outside. Mom's outside.

You're gonna go play with your new friends.

Here he comes. There he goes.

Yeah.

I know that dance,

That's the "I want to have sex with ray" dance.

And here's my "if you insist" dance.

What are you-- don't laugh.

- Mmm. - Heh, this is fun.

This is like a date.

- Yeah, except on a date, you never got to level two.

- [laughs]

Come on. Come on.

- Mmm. - Come on.

Okay. All right.

- Hi, dears!

[all laughing]

- Come on, move over.

- You remember the stipes.

- See, harry? I told you he was home.

- Yeah.

- How may we help you?

- You know, harry's a big fan of your column,

And he wouldn't let up until we swung by to say hello.

- Hello.

[all laughing]

- So, listen, it's so nice to see you,

Thanks for dropping by.

- Hey, ray, I told harry you would let him

See tomorrow's column today.

- Yeah, you know what I'd really like,

If you'd tell me tomorrow's scores.

Yeah, then I could make some bets.

[all laughing]

- Mom, what are you doing? Why'd you bring 'em here?

- Well, they wanted to see you.

- Well, yeah, but debra and I, we were--happy.

- Just five minutes, okay?

- Well, no, ma. No. No. No.

- Why are you making such a big fuss over it?

Our friends wanted to see you.

- I want them to see you.

- All right. Okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry people like you so much.

I'm sorry that I'm proud of you.

I'm sorry that I raised you to be a nice boy.

- [sighs]

Five minutes.

- Okay. Okay.

- I tell you, ray, you got the life.

- Yeah. - Sportswriter.

You get to go to different places,

Meet famous athletes.

- Yeah, well, yeah, there could be worse jobs.

- Hey, ray? - Yeah.

- Hey, tell 'em who you met the other day.

- Come on, dad. - Who did you meet?

- Yeah, who? - No, no, come on.

Tell them, it's funny.

- Nothing, evander holyfield sat next to me.

- Holy-- - evander holyfield.

My boy and evander holyfield.

- He's a boxer. - Oh.

- Uh, try to keep up.

Sorry.

- So--so what happened?

- You know, I just-- I said,

"hey, how you doing?"

He said, "great." you know?

Yeah, he's a good guy. He's a good guy.

- Wait, you talked to him?

- Yeah, sure. Sure.

You know, like, "good fight, huh?"

That kind of thing.

- Yeah, oh. - Yeah, yeah.

- [sarcastically] wow. That's a terrific story.

Yeah. - Yeah.

- Okay, so--

- Hey, dad, how about the time I took you to the all-star game?

- Yeah. Press box.

- [gasps] - oh, you lucky bastard.

- Oh-ho.

Our son would love this,

He's a regular sports nut.

- Yeah, listen, listen.

So I was coming back from the bathroom,

And I see my father standing there,

And I don't know what I'm thinking,

But I sneak up behind him

And I kind of goose him a little, you know?

Yeah. [laughter]

He turns around,

I goosed joe garagiola.

[laughter]

- 'cause from behind, I look like joe garagiola.

- Oh. - Yeah, ray?

- Yeah, yeah. He's a good guy too.

Joe's a good guy. Yeah.

- Oh, isn't this fun?

I'm so glad you came over.

- Oh, we are, too. - Yeah, well, us too. Us too.

- Oh, hey, chinese here. What do we got?

Hey, deb, get some forks.

- You know what would be nice is some tea.

I'll make some tea. - Oh.

- I wouldn't mind some tea.

- Hey, you know who used to like tea?

Joe dimaggio. - No.

- That's right. Mr. Coffee.

[laughter] - there, mr. Coffee.

And you know what?

You know who used to like coffee?

Mr. T.

[laughter]

Hey, swizzle. - Hey, don't get comfortable.

The stipes are over visiting your parents again.

We got to get out of here in case they decide

To drop back over.

- Well, what about the kids?

- Well, robert's babysitting.

- Oh, do we have to go? I just got home.

I'm tired. Can't we just hide?

- No, no, no.

Don't unbutton your shirt. Stop it, stop it, stop it.

- You don't know that they're definitely gonna come over.

- Yeah, you'd probably love it if they did,

You could do a revival of your one-man show,

"my fair raymond."

- Hey, I was trying to help out.

That's why I got stuck there,

And where'd you disappear to anyway?

- I was in bed. It was midnight.

You don't even have an intermission.

- What? What, do you--

What, you think I liked that? Come on.

Those stipes smell like the attic.

- Hey, where's the candy? The kids want some candy.

- The kids know they're not supposed to have candy at night.

- Okay.

I want candy.

- It's on top of the fridge, robert.

Come on, come on, button up. We got to get going.

We'll call you from the restaurant.

- So, hey, ray, how come you're not going over

To see your new best friends, the stipes, huh?

Mom was just going on and on about it,

How they loved your stories.

- See, ray?

- I was being polite.

- You know they were my friends first.

They would've loved my stories too.

I just happened to be in a sitz bath

When they came over.

- All right. Robert, we won't be late.

Come on. We got to go.

- I'm not hungry. Come on.

I had banana splits at the office.

- You get banana splits at the office?

- You can just have appetizers, all right, you--

- What? What?

- There he is.

- Where have you been?

- All right, don't get sucked in,

We're going out, you understand?

Hi.

- There he is, the man of the hour.

- Hi.

- Did you get a haircut?

No, I just-- I combed it today.

- [laughs] there he goes.

- Raymond,

I want you to meet our son, seth.

- Ray barone, finally we meet.

- Hey, how you doing?

- I'm a big fan of yours. - Well, thank you.

- We have very similar writing styles.

- Seth's a sportswriter too. - Oh.

- Well, mostly in internet chat rooms,

And I call in to all the sports radio shows.

You've probably heard me.

Seth from massapequa?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Great, man, that's great. Good for you.

Listen, we were kind of on our way out, right?

- Yes. Yes.

- Wait, wait, wait. Where are you going?

- We're just going out to dinner,

But you guys make yourself at home, you know.

Marie knows where everything is.

She put it there, so-- - yeah.

- Hey, I read your column today,

Great, just great.

- Hey, harry says you're better than lupica.

- Oh, well, thank you. Thank you.

- I love your baseball stuff.

- Thanks. - Thanks.

- Except you could be

A little more objective about the mets.

- What do you--what? - Ray, ray.

- You seem to have a real axe to grind there.

- Well...

Wait, listen, you understand that they pay me

To write my opinions, not to be objective.

You know, I find that, in sports writing,

If you pull your punches,

You're gonna end up the one getting hit.

- Oh. Now, that's a pro, son.

That's why you're still on that internet.

- Hey. I bow to the master.

- Ray... [laughs]

- Hey, rita, harry.

Sorry I missed you last night.

- Hey, rodney. So--

Ray, tell seth that story you were telling us

About the squirrel that ran up your leg at the king dome.

- Oh, that was so funny.

- Ah, you told them the squirrel story, huh, ray?

Yeah, isn't that chuck wilson's story?

- That's not chuck wilson's story.

- [whispering] yes, it is. Yeah.

- It's not.

- I'll tell you a story.

I was recently gored by a bull

Which is about 2,000 times larger than a squirrel.

You see, they were having an illegal rodeo--

- Oh, here it is.

Raymond, would you mind?

- What, you want to take my picture?

- Yes. - Okay, yeah.

- Here.

Rodney, would you mind getting a picture of all of us?

- Why would I mind?

Add a little insult to my injury.

- I want to get in on this. Come on, frank.

- I'm in, but I'd better sit down,

Unless you want to get a shot of my garagiola.

- This is phenomenal. I'm posting this on my web site.

- Hey, you got us in focus there?

- I sure do.

Everybody, say "raymond."

All: Raymond.

[camera shutter clicks]

[door closes]

- Beautiful. - Yeah.

Hey, where's deb?

- I heard the garage door.

- Oh, no.

- Oh, raymond, stay with us.

You can see her anytime.

- Hey, hey, hey, where you going?

- I'm going to eat.

I would ask you to come along,

But I see you have a girlfriend

And three boyfriends and another girlfriend.

Oh, come on. Look, it's okay.

They said I could see other people.

Okay, all right, I'm sorry, stop.

- You have a problem. - Give me your keys.

You can't drive in this condition.

What--

Come on, I don't have a problem.

- This can't keep happening, ray.

You have a sick connection to your parents.

Do you understand that? It is sick.

- All right. We've already been over that.

- Yeah, but you're worse now.

You don't get enough attention from your parents,

So you have to get an extra set? You're sick.

- Okay, I won't do it anymore. Come on, I'm sorry--

[stammering]

Come on, let's go. We'll sneak out.

We'll go eat.

- Hi, dears.

- Hi. - What's going on?

- Hi. No, nothing.

- Everything all right? - Fine. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you find that aaa booklet you're looking for there, debra?

- You're sick!

- All right. Keep looking.

Listen, you know, I think you and the stipes

Should go to your house maybe for the rest of the night

'cause debra and I, we made plans to go out and eat.

- Oh, I know, I know, but couldn't you just

Spend a few minutes with us?

I mean, you hardly talked to seth at all.

- Well, ma, I don't even know seth, okay?

I don't even know the stipes.

The stipes are your friends.

Why don't you just go and be with your friends?

- Because we need you, raymond.

- Well, what do you mean, you need me?

Why? Dad's in there, he's funny.

- No, he's not.

Couldn't you come in for just a few minutes?

- No, no, no.

Ma, it's enough, please. It's enough.

- Okay, okay. - Yeah.

- It's fine. I understand.

It's just that I-- I like to see you with them

Because, you know, I don't get to see you like that anymore.

- What? Like what?

- Well, when you come over to the house now,

It's just to eat or watch a game,

And it's different to see you excited when you're talking.

I like it.

- [sighs]

Okay.

Guess we should all go back inside.

- Really? Yeah?

Okay. I guess it's okay.

- Oh, you're such a good son.

Thank you, honey. - Mm-hmm.

- He's coming back.

- Got to give the people what they want.

- A common misconception is that a bull

Will charge when shown the color red.

Actually, it's motion--

- Uh, ray. Thank god.

Uh, here. Have a seat.

- Hey, no time for that, harry. We got to go.

We're gonna be late.

- Oh, yeah. You're right.

- Late for what?

- We're taking your parents

To the big senior jamboree at the v.F.W.

- Wow. A senior jamboree.

Well, that's perfect. That's perfect for you.

Ma, you'll have fun.

You go, you'll have fun. Go ahead.

- You should go too, ray.

- What?

- Yeah, you were just telling your mom

That you wanted to spend more time with them.

- Yeah, come on with us, ray.

They're giving free eye tests tonight.

- No, no. I mean, look, no.

We wanted to go out to eat you know?

Right? So, no.

- But you got to give the people what they want.

- Come on, raymond. There'll be refreshments.

Come on, come on.

- [sighs] how bad is this thing?

- Sounds like a nightmare to me.

I'm not going.

- Bye-bye.

- I hope you like dancing, raymond.

- Chinese?

- Love it.

[both laugh]

[upbeat polka music]

[laughter]