Original subtitles

- Hey. Kids are asleep already?

I thought you were gonna read them a story.

- I did, but I put on my boring voice, you know?

"I huffed and puffed and blew the house down."

- Eh, what a difference.

Here.

- What? What is it?

- It's braciole, you know, stuffed beef.

- Really, braciole? Who made it?

- I did.

Just try it.

- You're not having any?

- No, I had some, you know, with the kids.

I had some with the kids.

- Oh.

How you feelin'?

- It's not poison, ray.

If I wanted to kill you, I wouldn't do it that way.

- All right. That goes in the file.

Hey!

- Good? - Yeah!

Yeah, good.

Even better the second time,

Now that my tongue's not scared.

Mmm. Man, this is great.

- Yeah? You really like it?

- It's good. I really do.

Let me at it.

- Oh! I'm so happy!

Yeah, that's--oh, look, you're sitting down.

Oh!

I did it, huh? I really did it.

- Mommy!

- Yeah, honey! I'll be up in just a second!

Okay, I'm gonna get ally out of the bath.

You know, there's a lot more on the stove here.

- Not for long.

- [laughs] - yeah.

- Mmm...Mmm...Mmm! - [giggles]

Mmm.

- One, two, three, four, five.

I'm in the conservatory,

And I'd like to call on mrs. Peacock

With the lead pipe.

- I was just one away from the library, frank.

You're just picking on me.

- Tough crap, peacock.

Get your tail feathers in the conservatory.

- Hey.

- Oh, hi, dear.

We're playing clue.

It's keeping robert's mind sharp

For when he's a policeman again.

- Yeah, you know, ray, there's been a wave

Of candlestick murders in the bronx.

- Yeah.

Hey.

Try this.

- What is it? - Braciole.

- Braciole?

- I'm in.

Who made it? - Debra.

- I'm out.

- Here, ray. I'll try debra's braciole.

I'm filled with antibiotics.

Mmm!

- Yeah? Gimme. Gimme.

Jeezaloo!

- See? So it is good.

It's not just me comin' off airline food.

- It's amazing. I mean, that is amazing.

- Are you sure your debra made this?

- I know. I know.

I couldn't believe it either.

She came up with some recipe.

- Recipe?

- Yeah. What?

- Real cooks don't need recipes.

We know how to add love and caring,

Because there's no greater joy than feeding our--

- [smacking and moaning]

- Frank, you're a pig.

Stop moaning.

- So debra can now cook.

The missing color in the raymond rainbow.

- Ah, ha ha ha!

- You should ask debra how she makes this.

- I should ask debra?

[laughs]

I should ask debra?

[laughs]

Give me that!

- This food has magical powers.

I'm gonna string some of this around my neck.

[knocking]

- Hello?

- Hey, andy.

- Hey, deb, is ray here?

- No, he's not home-- he's not home yet.

Hey, you hungry?

- Oh, sure. I could always go for somethin'.

- I made some braciole. Taste it.

- Oh, you made.

Uh...

No, no, no.

I'm actually-- I'm in training.

I'm in training for a running thing.

- Come on.

- No, no. Really.

And I've gone kosher.

I'm in a jewish marathon.

- Okay.

Try it, okay? One bite. One bite.

That's it. One.

- Run away with me.

- Really? Do you like it?

- Oh, my god. It's fantastic!

- Mmm! Debra!

- Yeah?

- It's great.

I don't know what ray's talkin' about.

- What do you mean, "talkin' about"?

- Nothing, he was just trying to be funny at work.

- Funny?

About this?

Was he making fun of my braciole?

- No, he was not.

- Wait, andy.

Andy, he told me he loved my braciole.

What did he say to you about it?

- Did I ever show you how I could wiggle my ears?

Look at this. - Andy, andy.

What did he say about the braciole?

- I did not find it funny.

- Andy!

- He said it was italian for "roadkill."

Please don't hurt me.

- Roadkill?

- He was just kidding around like he always does.

- He always does this?

- No, no.

Listen, I had some theraflu earlier,

And then I realized I do not even have the flu,

So I'm really flyin'. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

- Hey. Hey!

- Oh, hey. Hey! Hey!

Here's your stats, all right?

From now on, you get 'em on your own.

I'm tired of this!

- Are you sleepin' with andy? 'cause you can do better.

- [chuckles]

That's funny.

- Yeah.

Hey, what smells good?

- Oh, I made braciole again,

You know, 'cause you liked it so much.

- Yes, I do.

[chuckling]

All the colors in the rainbow

Oh, that smells good.

[singing] debra made something good.

Wha-wha.

Wha-wha-wha.

Raymond really likes it.

Yeah-hah.

You ain't got to make nothin' else

But that braciole.

Ah-ooh ah-ooh ah-ooh ah-ooh ah-ooh.

I could

Eat this stuff

Until I

Lose control.

Whookee-hah.

Whookee-whah ha-ha-ah.

Whookie-hah-ah.

- Here's a little sauce for your roadkill.

- Whoo.

Whah.

You know, you could've just said,

"please don't sing."

- Food here is good.

I might have a comment about the service.

- Oh, is that what you do at work?

You make fun of me all day?

- What? No. No!

Is that what andy said?

Oh, why the hell would he say that?

- I don't know, but he actually loved my braciole.

- Look, I love your braciole!

Come on!

It's the best thing you ever made!

- Oh, baloney!

How come you told everybody it was roadkill?

- That's a joke. - Oh, no, it's not!

- Of course it is. Come on, I was just kidding.

Come on, you see how much I love it.

I could use a towel.

- Hello, debra.

- What is it, frank?

- Nothing, dear.

I was just wondering if there's any

Of your delicious braciole left.

Oh, oh, these are for you.

- Oh, dad, not now, please, all right?

- Hey, you got a little spot there.

I'm tellin' you, debra.

That stuff you made is so great,

I woke up thinkin' about it.

Is, uh, anybody eating this?

- No, frank.

You know what? You can have it.

At least someone appreciates it.

- Hey, I appreciate--

- Thank you for the flowers, frank.

- Anyone who can make braciole like this

Deserves a whole hillside

Full of heavenly scented marigolds and daffodils.

- I happen to agree with that.

- That's very sweet, frank.

That's very sweet.

That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me

In quite some time.

Would you like something to drink?

- No, no, I don't want to dilute the flavor.

Please sit down.

You should be resting with your feet up.

- Thank you, frank.

- All right. All right, come on.

- Oh, what's the matter, ray, hmm?

Is it so weird that I'm being appreciated instead of mocked?

- Is that I how I raised you?

- Yeah. Okay, dad!

- Mmm!

This is so delicious.

You really got it, kid.

- Do you really think so?

- There's just, like, a sweetness to it.

How do you do that?

- Well, you know, some people use raisins,

But I had some currants.

- Well, this is a beautiful thing.

- Thank you, frank.

- I thought you were taking a bath.

- I was.

I finished.

- Oh.

How was it?

- It was fine, frank.

Thank you for making it for me.

You haven't made a bath for me in 35 years.

- Uh...

You seemed to need it.

Listen, marie, this is not what it looks like.

- I'm not talking to you.

I do have a question for debra, however.

What have I done that you feel the need to destroy me?

- What?

- Who told you about braciole?

- Nobody. I found a recipe in a magazine.

- You found a recipe.

Oh, you're a cook now.

Frank never mentioned braciole to you?

- No. - No.

No, I didn't say a thing, marie.

- Quiet.

- Frank never told you that braciole

Was the very first thing I ever cooked for him?

- Oh, boy.

- No. I didn't know that.

- You didn't know that.

Do you know what he said to me

When he tasted my braciole in 1955?

He said, "be my bride."

- Marie, come on!

- "be my bride," frank.

"be my bride."

But it's very clear now

That you'll go to any girl with a pot!

- You hardly make it for me anymore!

- 'cause I didn't want you to get sick of it.

- I'm 64 years old. What are you savin' it for?

- Marie, I'm sorry.

I didn't know it was your special dish.

- Don't you have other household things

That you need to take care of, like...

Like the laundry?

Raymond, give me those pants. I'll wash them.

- That's okay, ma.

- No, I'm washing those pants for you, damn it!

- Mom. - Take off your pants!

- Could we turn the heat up?

- What do you want me to say, marie?

"I'm sorry I made braciole"?

This is insane.

I never would have made the stuff if I thought

It was gonna turn everybody's world upside down.

- Hey, ma, I have nothin' to eat over there.

You said you were makin' me dinner.

- I don't cook anymore.

- Robert, how much does ray make fun of my cooking?

Don't look at him.

Don't you look at him, robert.

- He's not wearing pants.

- Answer me!

I know he makes fun of my cooking.

I want to know how much of it goes on behind my back.

- He makes fun of it all the time, dear.

- That is not true!

That's not completely true, debra!

I love your braciole, and I am not lying today!

- Is that why you're making fun of it,

Making jokes about it at work?

- You make jokes about this food?

Have you no decency?

- Oh, stop! Come on, dad.

It's just, you know, it's just...

Wife jokes, that's all.

It's somethin' you do when you--

You know, when you're with the guys.

- I never.

- Oh, yeah, what are you talking about?

Like you don't make jokes?

- First of all,

If I have anything to say about your mother,

I'm not afraid to say it right to her face.

Second of all, those are not jokes.

- Yesterday, you called me an old bag.

- If that's a joke, then it's on me.

[laughs]

Right in front of her.

- Uh, you know, actually, not to defend raymond,

That is a guy thing, debra.

I've often found that men use the wife joke

To form bonds and share common experiences.

Am I sitting in sauce?

- Yes, robert.

- Good.

I was afraid I popped a stitch.

- Oh, robert, come on. Take off those pants.

- What?

- Take them off!

- Well, what are you--

- I get those pants!

- Don't fight it, man. Don't fight it.

- Come on, let's go home. I'll clean you up.

- All right.

- Thanks, ma.

- Are you coming or not?

- Of course I'm coming.

You're my wife. I belong with you.

I'm coming!

I'll call you.

- I'm gonna go... Freshen up.

- Ray, can I talk to you?

- Yeah, all right.

I'm a little chilly.

- Why do you have to make wife jokes?

I don't do that. I don't make husband jokes.

- Well, come on, are you tellin' me

That you don't go out with amy and linda

And make fun of all the stupid things I do?

You know, you don't talk about the way my lips move when I read

Or you caught me biting my toenail that one time or...

Or, uh...Uh...

- No, I don't.

In fact, I try to spin it in the other direction.

Linda thinks you have a master's.

- Master's?

- Degree.

Master's degree, ray.

This is what I don't understand.

You're always making fun of my cooking,

But I finally make something you like,

And you're still making jokes about it.

Why?

- I'm a complicated person.

Come on, it's just-- that's who I am.

I just--I make fun of the wife a little.

You know, "oh, oh, oh, here's ray.

Hey, ray, what'd she do to you last night?"

And then if I say,

"she made some braciole, and it was quite tasty,"

Whoa, who wants to hang out with that guy.

- But don't you think there's something wrong

That the only way you can be popular

Is at my expense?

- I wish there was another way.

- All right.

- Aw, come on.

I'm kidding.

Come on, hey, look, we know the score here.

You got it all over me, right?

You're the pretty, smart, together, good one.

I'm the one they say, "how did he get her?"

So I don't know, maybe in my stupid way,

I'm telling them how, you know?

"she can't cook. Ha, ha!"

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

What? It could be worse.

You know-- you know chuck wilson?

You know what he told me?

He said his wife is so cold, when he gets into bed with her,

He has to shoo away the penguins.

Shoo away the penguins.

That's cold...

Wilson's wife.

And yet, I don't think any less of her.

- I don't care what the other guys think about me.

I care what you think about me.

- I'm not gonna make jokes anymore.

- Thank you.

- You still gonna cook for me?

- Yes.

- You want to take your pants off?

- No.

- Okay then, can I have more sauce?

Oh, come on!

Come on.

Come on.

- Hey.

What are you doin'?

- I'm having some tea.

- Didn't make any dinner?

- Yes.

Tea.

- Oh.

- And what did debra make tonight?

- Lasagna.

It's over.

- What?

- I think the braciole is all she can make.

Listen, marie, I learned something.

A man needs more than braciole.

A man needs...

Chicken...

Veal, eggplant parmesan.

- Manicotti?

- Yes.

Manicotti.

- Oh, frank!

Oh!

[laughter]

And, frank? - Yes?

We'll never speak of this again.