Original subtitles

- Hey, how much longer we got to help out with this thing?

- Ray, all the parents have to do their time.

Come on, you don't see bill parker complaining.

- Oh, bill parker.

Mr. "look at me, I'm king of the carnival."

- Oh, come on.

He's doing it for the school.

He's a good father.

- Oh, what, he's a better father than me?

Is that what you're saying? I'm not a good father?

- You want to be a good father?

Go help out in the child care room.

- I'll go. They got a tv in there?

- Hey, barone, what happened?

What are you doing?

- Hey, no, parker, I'm just doing this.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey. Gimme that.

I can do that, thank you very much.

- We're ready to finish the rest of the booth frames.

I could use some muscle.

- Let's rock.

I'll be back to check on those,

And they better be spot-free, okay?

This isn't like home, where I let that stuff slide.

Hey! Hey!

Come on!

My ankles. You wet my ankles.

What's wrong with you?

That's toxic, that stuff.

That sinks right through the socks and into the skin.

I like to bust her chops. Keep her in line.

- All right, barone, see if you can fasten it.

- All right.

All right, parker, it's just fastening right?

It's not like we're doing rocket--

Ah! Oh!

Mother of ugly!

- Again?

You okay there?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mammy!

- Maybe you should do something a little less...

Strenuous.

How about stenciling with the ladies?

- No.

No, I don't have to do stenciling.

The only reason I cut myself is 'cause I'm used to working

With the big tools.

Yeah.

- Hi, dad! - Hey, dad!

- Hey, tyler. - Hey.

- Look at all my new hackidu cards.

- Hackidu.

You can't believe how they love the hackidu.

- I can believe anything you can, probably more.

- We traded, dad.

- Let's see what you have there, son.

Ooh.

Veena-pod, rain-whiffle, e-jazz.

- Hey, let's see what--yeah-- let's see what you got there.

"scra--uh, scrom..."

- Scramisaur.

- Scramisaur. Let me see him.

- Don't get blood on him.

- Wait a minute, ally, you gave away all your cards

For just one card?

- Now, tyler, that doesn't seem quite fair, does it?

- It's okay.

- No, no, ally, mr. Parker's right.

You gave away all your cards there.

- Tyler, let me have ally's cards back.

- Dad.

- Tyler, I don't want to hear it.

Come on, let's have those cards.

- Sorry about this, barone. - No, it's okay.

- Daddy...

- Ally, it's okay. Daddy's handling this. Go ahead.

Thanks. Thanks there, parker.

- Hey, you're welcome.

I don't usually interfere in these things,

But sometimes that's a dad's job.

And you taught him a good lesson there too.

Okay, I'll see you later.

- Wait, where you going?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I thought I would

Go stenciling, like you said.

- Well, stenciling's right there.

- Oh. Oh, there it is. Okay, thank you.

[drill buzzing]

- You could make that shot.

- You want to go one-on-one right now?

- Ray, what is wrong with you?

- Oh, I know this. I know this one.

- Ally told me you just undid her hackidu trade

With bill parker's boy.

- He's a lousy dad. Give me another one.

Yeah, she was giving away all her cards for one card.

I saved her from getting ripped off, that's all.

What just happened? Oh, come on.

You see? You're making me miss it.

That's the trade she wanted to make, all right?

You got to go back over to bill parker

And undo what you undid.

- What are you getting so excited for?

It's just stupid hackidu cards. She'll get over it, okay?

- Wrong.

- What? - You're wrong.

They're not just cards.

I never seen these, whatchamacallem,

Hackensack cards?

- Hackidu.

- Okay, whatever, whatever.

But I know one thing:

Kids love this card crap.

When you were a kid, you were all loopy about batman cards.

You loved 'em.

And our old picnic table was wobbly,

And I took a bunch of those cards

And stuck 'em under the leg.

- I remember that.

They got destroyed in the rain.

- You're not gonna cry, are you, raymond?

- No. That's the thing. He didn't cry.

He just looked... Betrayed.

It tore my heart out.

I can't forget that look.

Stop it.

- What?

- That look. There it is. Stop it.

- I'm not doing anything.

- Don't lie.

It's subtle, but it's there.

Hey, I'm sorry about your cards already.

It's the one thing I did wrong.

- The one thing?

How about when I was 10 years old,

And you backed your car over my big toe?

- Doesn't ring a bell.

- Frank... I'm sick of this.

Go clean your whiskers out of the sink.

- After you.

- Wait a second, dad.

The batman thing is not the same, okay?

'cause you ruined my cards.

I saved ally's cards.

She wanted to get rid of all her cards for one.

- Which is what she wanted to do.

- Will you stop, please, huh? It's over.

- What kind of cards?

- Nothing, ma, just this korean thing

The kids are into now.

- Oh, hackidu.

What card did she have?

- Yeah, I don't know. Scrammie something or other.

- A scramisaur?

- You know about this stuff?

Scramisaur's the fastest creature on hackidu mountain.

He starts off as a slugawog, very slow,

And he can only evolve into a scramisaur

If he gets the sonic crystal.

That's why scramisaurs are rare and valuable.

I'm grandma.

I have this and candy.

- Well, wait a minute, mom.

How valuable is a scramisaur card?

- Oh, you can't find 'em in the stores.

But if you find one mint condition, no creases,

That's $65.

- [gasps] - $65?

- Holy crap.

This is the work of the north koreans.

- So you had a scramisaur, and you lost it?

- Yep. What do you know, ray?

Ally knew what she was doing all along.

- Or parker did.

- What?

- You, sir, are a numbskull.

- Numbskull-awog.

- Wait a minute. Parker didn't know.

He was just trying to show me what a great dad he is.

- He took you for a ride, satchmo.

- Come on. - Hey, wake up.

You think this is just hackidu cards?

You think it's about daddy

And setting a nice example for a little boy?

This is business.

This is 65 bucks.

Pull your head out of your pants.

- No, frank, bill parker's not like that.

Where you going?

- I got a little unfinished business

With your boyfriend.

- Boyfriend?

- Well, this could explain why all the kids are blond.

- And smart.

- Oh, hey, parker.

- Oh, hey, barone.

I was thinking about how we made the kids

Trade the hackidu cards back,

And I kind of felt bad for taylor.

- Tyler. - Tyler.

- No, no. He's fine. - Yeah?

- Okay, all right, 'cause, you know,

They seem fine, then later on, they get all upset.

So, you know, it's okay if your boy wants to trade back.

- Oh, thanks, you know, that's really nice of you, barone,

But that wouldn't be fair to ally, would it?

- No, you're right, yeah.

You know what might be the fairer thing

To, like, even the trade out?

Maybe ally could give your son just a couple cards

For that scrabby-- something.

Whatever that thing, whatever they call it.

- I don't know. They have the weirdest names.

- Yeah, yeah, that hackidu.

I think that's korean for "stupid americans."

[both laugh]

Yeah, so what do you say?

- Oh, thanks,

But we should probably leave well enough alone.

Don't you think?

- Okay, listen, you know...

You want to know the truth?

My mother has this connection with the kid and that card,

And my mother kind of wants to give it to her,

'cause, you know, she's...Old.

So you know what?

Why don't I just give you a couple bucks,

And you can get a couple more cards for your son,

And I can tell ally that my mother gave it to her,

And we make the old lady happy?

- You want to buy it? - Yeah, I'll buy it.

You know, just be done with it.

Who cares? Whatever.

So what do you think, like, 3 bucks?

- I was thinking more like 100.

- You knew.

You knew, you knew, didn't you, parker?

You knew all along.

- Yeah, like you didn't, coming in here,

Telling me sad stories about your mother.

Everyone knows you hate your mother.

- That's my scramisaur.

- No, it's my scramisaur. - You ripped me off.

- A deal's a deal. No givesies backsies.

- No, you gavesy backsy first.

- Tough noogies, barone.

- It isn't tough noogies.

Wait'll I tell my wife the guy

She thinks is better than me is not.

There's your king. There's your king.

Long live the king, right?

Taking advantage of a little girl.

That's who you're working for.

Don't--quit.

Don't work. Come on. Come on.

He's taking advantage of all of you.

He looks nice. He's the iceman. That's who he is.

Come on, everybody, come on.

Come on.

Let's go.

- [singing] fly on hackidu mountain

Where the flames shoot forth in the night

From the source of the hackidu power

The power of justice and might

Buy 'em, buy 'em hackidu buy 'em, buy 'em hackidu

Buy 'em, buy 'em, buy 'em, buy 'em, buy 'em hackidu

- Buy 'em, buy 'em hackidu!

- Buy 'em, buy 'em hackidu!

- All right, all right. Easy, easy.

Let's be careful.

Uncle robert has a boo-boo on his upper thigh.

- Daddy says it's your hiney.

- Okay. All right.

That's enough tv.

Who wants some sugar?

- Me!

- Okay, there you go.

- Daddy.

Did you get my scramisaur back?

- Well, here's the thing, honey.

It turns out that mommy's hero mr. Parker is a big stinking--

- Ray.

- No, I couldn't get the cards back, ally.

I tried. - Oh.

- Yeah, I even went to a lot of stores.

They don't have hackidu cards.

But I did get you this.

Huh? It's a troll on a pencil.

Hey, hey.

Whoa. Ha-ha.

Somebody needs their hair combed.

- Thank you.

- Eh, you got to hand it to little ally.

She didn't cry.

She just looked...

Betrayed.

- Well, why'd you get 'em hooked on the cards anyway?

- Me?

You're the one that had 'em watch the tv show.

That leads to the cards.

- I didn't know that was the tv show.

I was just turning the tv on to keep 'em quiet.

- Why don't you try to read 'em a book once in a while?

- Reading, that's your answer for everything.

- Do you even know how to read, ray?

Oh, I read, I dance, I'm pretty.

- All right, all right, all right.

Here. Save your marriage.

His name is brother russell.

He owns a comic book shop. He's got cards there.

- Russell's vintage comics?

- Yeah. He's a good guy.

If anyone has scramisaur, he does.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

This is in hohokus, new jersey, all right?

I'm not going all the way out to frickin' hohokus.

Come on.

It's an hour and a half.

Some of that's still indian territory.

- Ray--

- No, look, I'm sorry ally's upset,

But I'll talk to her, all right?

I'm putting an end to this card baloney.

$65. Come on.

- Buy 'em, buy 'em hackidu!

- Yeah, okay. Knock it off.

Upper thigh hole.

Ally.

Oh, those cards.

Here, give me those for a second, okay?

Listen, I want to talk to you. I want to talk to you.

Come over here.

Look, I know you want that scramisaur.

But there are some people out there,

And all they want want to do is get rich,

So they make kids think that things are more valuable

Than they really are,

Things like--like...

Pieces of paper with pictures on 'em.

- You mean like money?

- No, no, no.

No, money is important pieces of paper with pictures on 'em.

Look, what daddy doesn't like about the hackidu people

Is that they've made you believe

That this scramisaur thing is worth $65.

- $65?

- Yeah, yeah, that's why you wanted it, right?

- No.

- Well, why'd you trade all your cards for it?

- 'cause scramisaur's my favorite.

I love him.

- What do you mean, you love him?

That's the only reason you wanted it?

- Yeah.

It's okay, daddy.

- Come on.

You should be a bad boy, right?

Be a bad man, right?

Stupid new jersey.

How you doing?

I'm looking for russell. Is russell here?

- You I.R.S.?

- What?

- Are you with the I.R.S.? - No.

- You look like I.R.S.

- I do?

- No. That's just it. You don't.

- I'm a friend of your sister amy.

- Oh, yeah? I'm russell.

- Ray barone, robert's brother.

- Oh, robert's brother.

Get out.

Thanks, clarence. See you at the convention.

- Listen, I just--

- Let me tell you about your brother.

Two childbearing years into gigantor.

Then he dumps her without so much as a smack-me-bum.

- I don't really know what you mean, but...

I think amy was the one who broke up with robert

Without the... Smack-your-bum.

- Can you blame her?

I mean, the guy's got no backbone.

He can't commit to anything.

What kind of person's that?

- Yeah, well, you know, robert and I,

We're really not that close.

But listen,

I saw you had a sign saying you got hackidu cards.

- We're closed. Good day, sir.

- Listen. Listen to me, please.

I just drove two hours in the rain and the traffic,

And my back is all sore,

And the only thing I had to eat

Was cheerios on the seat of the car.

- Your brother was very lucky to have amy.

She's very supportive.

- She's the one who said, "open your comic book store,"

When the rest of the family was saying,

"up your medication."

- Look, I love amy, believe me.

- Your brother needs help.

If he could just learn to love himself.

He needs to learn to love himself.

- [sighs]

I mean, that's the greatest love of all, right?

- Amy should be with you.

- Hey, don't think I haven't thought of that, you know?

Listen...

Okay, I need a certain type of hackidu card.

- No, you don't.

- Yes, I do.

My daughter needs a scramisaur.

- Let me tell you about hackidu.

It's evil.

- Oh, god.

- It's got no substance, no truth.

It's like junk food for the mind.

It's kiddie crack.

- Yeah, okay, it's kiddie crack.

Well, I need $65 worth of it.

- How old is your daughter?

- Seven. - Seven.

I'll tell you what she needs.

Are you familiar with little lotta?

You see, lotta's a little girl with a bow on her head,

And although she's morbidly obese,

She still finds happiness.

- Do you have a partner?

'cause maybe...I could talk to him about this.

- Don't you get it,

You long island suburban automaton?

You can't hear the truth over your lawnmower, man.

- No, wait.

Listen, russell... Do you have a daughter?

- I have a snake.

- All right, well, then you know what I'm talking about.

I agree with you, russell.

Look, I hate this hackidu thing, and I hated the last thing,

And you know what?

I'm gonna hate the next thing too,

But when your daughter or your reptile

Looks up at you with those eyes,

How are you gonna say no?

- Have you even given comic books a chance?

- Do you have a scramisaur?

- I might.

- All right. I'm buying some comic books.

- There you go.

You see, kids have such wonderful open minds.

They need to be shown--

- Yeah, okay, all right, I'll take these right here.

- Ooh, some excellent choices.

This one's a classic.

You know your daughter is gonna love--

- Where's the scramisaur?

- Here you are, my friend.

Mint condition.

No creases.

- Thank you. - Ah-ah-ah.

Let's have a little smile.

That's what it's all about, man.

Your total's $289.50.

- Got it. - Hey, what'd I tell you?

That russell, good guy, huh?

- Yeah, yeah. He's got a message for you.

Go love yourself.

- Ah, that's nice.

- Ally, come down here.

- Hi, daddy.

- Got you something.

- Scramisaur. Thank you, daddy.

- How about that, raymond, huh?

Little girl smile.

You can't put a price on that.

- How about 289.50?

And while I was there,

I got you some comic books too.

- Daddy, you're the best.

- Ha-ha.

No. What?

Don't fold it!

- Hey, look at this. Little lotta.

[laughs]

Look how fat she is.

Look at that.