Original subtitles

My friend just bought one of those.

Let me drive it. Fantastic car.

It's a fantastic day.

Okay, at 3:00 this morning, you were singing campfire songs.

And now look at you. What is with you, Jeana?

Tom. I think we're gonna get to know each other better.

You're gonna sleep with Tom Lindeman?!

Yes! Yes, okay?

Why?

I'm in love.

Why?!

I don't know, because he's smart and handsome and wonderful...

Ach! He's on television! So what? Everybody is!

In two weeks, I'm gonna be on a cruise in South America.

We're gonna make love, and we're gonna watch sunsets.

And it's gonna be like we're the only two people in the world.

You know, if he was the last guy on Earth, maybe I could see it.

No, wait, I can't.

You used to like men.

Yeah, I used to eat dirt when I was a kid, too. I outgrew it.

Okay. So you like girls now. Great.

But this is about me, Caroline I started dating when I was 15 years old.

That's zero in ten years.

Yeah, I've dated some losers, and I've had my heart broken, but I still believe in love.

And I found, I found Tom.

Can't you just be happy for me?

Wait, let me think.

Mmm, no.

Tom Lindeman tonight or any night.

Exactly. Thank you.

Listen... I need a word.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's varied? Diverse?

How about "rich"?

Rich, thank you! You're worthless!

"Rich" cultural background.

See that? Savin' my ass on the first day.

We're gonna get along real good.

Susan wants you plugged in.

Nah, she just wants me.

Oops. Oops. Should I say that on TV? Hi, Susan.

You're shooting me from the waist up, right? 'Cause we don't wanna see the blue jeans.

Tell Lindeman to stop yakking and get ready.

He's there. You're fine.

'Cause anchormen don't wear blue jeans.

Looking good? Blue skies?

Clear.

Clear. Another clear, cloudless day in Tom's nostrils.

How much time you need?

I need five seconds, is all I need.

Alright. Here we come. Ready, remote...

How's that chlamydia, Susan? Joking. Joking. Oh! Oops.

Three, two...

And, and, and... Take remote!

Hi. This is Tom Lindeman.

If you can't get him to listen to me, I'm just gonna take to him next time.

And I don't care if he's pickin' his nose and the whole world sees it.

Ready VT-1.

Boys. What's this golf game doing on here again?

Must be a virus.

Yeah. This, uh, virus keeps getting in there and setting up Championship Golf Challenge.

Really? You boys are the challenge.

Hey! Hey! How many times do I have to tell you this is not a cup holder?

Ha ha ha! Ow!

- You... you... - You...

I'm gonna get that noon anchor job. I can feel it.

That's great!

I can't believe you bought a house!

Yup!

I feel old.

- In you go. - Thank you.

You saw that?

Yeah.

I tape you every night.

Mmm... Well then, uh...

From the future most recognizable face in town to his most devoted fan.

Opens my door any time you want.

It's beautiful.

Uh... Tom?

Yeah?

I think I need a little more time.

Okay. Give me about ten minutes to set up the bed.

That's a joke. A defense mechanism.

Come from rejection.

I'm not rejecting you.

Good.

What... Um... Okay!

Jeana? Jeana, come on!

I was joking.

Half-joking! I want it to be special.

Not like this.

Okay, okay.

I know you're not comfortable getting physical with me.

Can you tell me why? Is it me?

I can't believe what she said to me. I mean...

it's unbelievable.

I mean, I believe it because now it all makes sense, but... wow!

Blue skies?

...proposal draws the ire of animal-lovers all over.

Good evening, everyone. Thanks for being with us.

And ready, remote, ready or not.

She's 25 years old, okay?

Tom! Tom?

She seems to know all the moves. She's right there.

But... Ha ha ha... Yaahh!

Tom?

And now we go to Tom Lindeman, standing by live. Tom?

And, take remote.

Get this: My girlfriend... okay? Me!

My girlfriend?

Is a virgin.

I'll be having sex with a complete virgin.

I love live TV! Oh, yeah, baby!

You're on! You're on!

Hi, this is Tom Lindeman, coming to you live from downtown.

Hello?

What?

No, but Station 50 called.

They wouldn't tell me.

What did he say?

Tell me! Guys... !

Oh, wait. I think I hear her coming in.

Did you see the news?

Oh, yeah. Um...

Your granny's on the phone.

Hi, Grandma. What?

I'm your favorite granddaughter now?

When'd this happen?Hey, Grandma, can I call you back?

Get this: My girlfriend... okay? Me!

My girlfriend is a virgin.

Kill, Jeana. Kill!

I guess you saw it, huh?

Everybody saw it. You told the whole city.

Come on, I didn't mention your name.

You didn't have to. Everyone I know has been calling me.

Would you talk to me?!

I made a mistake.

And I feel horrible, I do. But you said so yourself...

your virginity's not a major thing.

It's not. It's a minor thing.

But it's my minor thing.

I was just tellin' my camera guy.

You gotta admit, it's a little unusual.

What? I just never did it with anyone,

It's not like I didn't try.

So you're saying the effort was there, you just lacked the aptitude?

It just hasn't worked out. Uh...

I'd be with a guy and we'd be headed that way, and... stuff would happen.

"Stuff"?

Stuff.

Like his ex-girlfriend would come back from China.

Or he'd have a court date, and I'd never see him again.

Or... I'd get the chicken pox.

You're supposed to get chicken pox when you're a kid,

but I would get them when I tried to sleep with someone.

Anyway, I was just hoping you'd be a little more careful with the information.

I know, I know.

What do you wanna do? You wanna break up over this?

No. Do you?

No.

So, come on, relax. We'll order a pizza.

I'm not hungry.

What are you doing?

I wanna make love with you. What's wrong with that?

Nothing.

It can be the lead story at 11:00

How humiliating.

It's okay. I'm fine.

You must wanna kill yourself.

Or someone else. Seen this?

"Our favorite reporter, Tom Lindeman, told everyone... and I mean everyone...

"that his girlfriend's a..."

Oh, my God!

"Whoever she is, let's hope she doesn't hold a grudge."

Hold one.

You have to get even.

For women everywhere.

You know what really gets me, is that technically he never really apologized.

You broke up with him, right?

Of course she broke up with him. She's not stupid.

Excuse me.

Can you tell me where this is at right here?

You're lost. You're not even close.

Sweet.

Well, since I'm here, can I get, uh, can I get, uh, some French Sumatra please?

Whole beans.

Okay.

You don't break up with someone when you've been brought together

by something as powerful as the triple-sneeze incident.

The what?

The triple-sneeze. How I met Tom.

You crashed into his car.

But it was a meaningful crash. I was driving along, and I sneezed three times,

and then I hit him.

Yeah. You should hit him now.

I've never sneezed three times before in my life. I've never been in a car accident.

And I didn't hit the fat weather guy from Channel 10, I hit the dreamy reporter,

the guy I was fantasizing about all that time

when I was trying to get over Charlie.

I mean, things like that just aren't coincidence.

You bump into a guy like that, and it means something.

- Oh, sorry! - I'm so sorry!

I'll get it. She pushed me.

It's okay, it's okay.

I'm... I'm really not that clumsy.

Oh! Ooh!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Uh... French Sumatra?

Yeah, it was.

That's her favorite, too.

He's not... uh, it's not.

My favorite.

Good morning!

She seems so normal.

I mean, you know her better than I.

How comes you couldn't tell?

Well, gee, I guess I missed the big "V" stamped on her forehead.

Whatever you're thinking, don't say it.

We'll take it nice and slow since you haven't seen the software before.

And you haven't seen the hardware before.

Yeah, Lawrence, that was a real exciting newscast.

Like watching your own autopsy. Listen, can we just talk about work?

Oh, forget it!

Animals!

Oh, my God! Six hundred firefighters know my sex life!

Technically, it's an anti-sex life.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

What?!

You've made my life a nightmare!

You think mine's been a joyride?

I'm off the anchor list. I don't even know why you're upset.

Apparently virginity's "in."

I don't care about what's in! I care about my private life, and the fact that you told

a few hundred thousand people!!

- So you're not going? - No!!

Fine!

Norma, I need...

No, no. Jeana.

Those aren't your tickets!

Ha ha!

Ha!

I'm not going.

Are you sure, honey?

Yes. When can I get my money back?

Uh, okay... Uh, let's see.

Oh, dear. Oh, okay.

The cruise departs 13 days from now.

Deadline for refunds was yesterday.

I paid $6,000 for that ticket.

Actually, it was 6,082.

But you could've gotten it all back if you would have had cancellation insurance.

I did! We did. You got the insurance, right?

Well, actually, it says here that he didn't.

Yeah, I thought I'd save us a few bucks. 'Cause...

Gimme my ticket, you oaf!

Oh, so now I'm an oaf?

Give it! I'm the one who's been saving for years!

I had this all planned before we met!

I paid you $6,000 for that ticket! My half! Uch!

Actually, um, it was $6,082.42.

That you would have been refunded.

If you would have had the insurance.

If he wasn't an oaf.

So you guys broke up, then?

No.

Why does everyone assume that?

It's just tradition.

We'll work it out. We just need to talk. Everything'll be fine.

Good!

Nick, look at this. Can you believe this?

They're calling me "a local bright spot."

That's great, Zsa Zsa.

"A personality to watch."

And you know what else?

Me and Tom are back together.

He's taking me on a Brazilian cruise. It's...

He's what?

Oh, Jeana, hello. You did... you didn't know? She didn't know.

That is so like Tom. I can't believe this. I mean... Isn't he funny?

Oh, look. Tom's twin.

The cruise tickets. Let's find them.

We should break something. Come on, it'd be good therapy.

No.

Does daddy like mommy?

I think daddy likes mommy a lot.

Where'd mommy go? Where's mommy going? Yes!

Daddy, don't spank me!

Ay!

Aah!

Whoa. She's hot.

Great stuff, huh?

So I've been getting calls all night about that thing on TV,

Tom Lindeman telling the whole world his girlfriend's never had sex.

Turns out this buddy of mine knows Lindeman,

happens to know that this girl's name is Jeana.

Let's see what else we can find out.

Lindeman.

My name's Tim. I'm a friend of Jimmy Debbs.

Ha ha, sure.

I work in TV production and Jimmy said maybe you could get me in the door at Channel 8.

I can help you out with that.

Great, thanks. Oh, before I forget,

Jimmy said you're dating this girl I went to college with, uh, Jeana...

- Yeah, Jeana Summers. - Ah, that's it.

Drive off a really high cliff.

You went to college with her? Have I got questions for you.

Why would that be?

Twenty-eight new messages.

Hey, Jeana. We met three years ago at the trade show. What's up?

It's Domination Deluxe. We provide a valuable service

to men in Northern California, and we're looking for a few good vir...

Alison Farmer, host of Channel Eight's public affairs talk show...

...and I'm thinking,

m... maybe you haven't met the right girl yet. Come to mama.

All my friends look up to you, and we're all waiting, too,

So you're our hero. I mean, you should go on Oprah.

And my mom says I should copy everything you do..the way you eat and sleep and talk.

So what are you gonna do right now? I mean...

Channel 8 News. May I help you?

He seems so nice on television.

It's special effects.

Oh. I don't blame you for not sleeping with him.

Gee, thank you.

Neither do the other ladies in the office.

Listen, this trip was supposed to be the highlight of my life.

It still could be, right? I mean, I could meet a guy on the cruise.

Can't we just switch the reservation?

Well, I'm sorry, but the policy is strict

because the cruise line can't resell your ticket when you cancel this late.

So basically I need a boyfriend who'll betray me sooner.

That would work.

And this opportunistic person can have my ticket?

Yes, I'm afraid so.

He wrote us a check for the total amount.

But I'd suggest legal action and have the perfect lawyer for this.

It's my cousin Maggie.

She used to have a little drug problem, you know,

but she's, like, all clean and sober now, she's, like, a lawyer,

and she's doing great. She's perfect.

Look, you cheating S.O.B, you talk to my client again,

and I will rip your lungs out!

Sorry. That one kind of tries my patience.

He's cheating on his wife. Kind of like my husband cheats on me!

You know what? Maybe I should go.

No, no. I'm sorry. Okay, let me get a look at you. Hmm, you're pretty.

You sure you're a virgin?

Doesn't matter. Okay. I need you to look hurt. I need you to look vulnerable.

The jury will hate him.

Eh, God, I was a virgin once. Didn't take.

You know, a lot of people think lawyers don't have sex.

But I went to this lawyer convention, and let me tell you something:

This lady here...several attorneys. At least that's what they told me.

Enough about me. How can I help you?

Oh, th... that's okay.

No, no, no. Listen to me. You deserve me.

We are gonna burn this guy! Okay, let's have a little fun.

Let's put him on the bonfire, see how high the flame gets. Who's with me?

She sounds perfect.

Yeah, but I can't sue until he takes someone else,

so I'm getting those tickets back. How do I do it?

Put out a contract on him?

Hmm. Too expensive.

I'll chip in.

Ever notice how your advice about men always includes death and destruction?

Mmm. A girl can fantasize, can't she?

Oh, I know. Just fix it so he doesn't wanna go.

Hey! Wait up!

He'd give up those tickets for some big story!

He needs to save his career. And so I've devised the Phony Fire District Scandal.

We make believe we're doing inspections

of the software companies so that we can steal the software.

You guys convince him the evidence is on our computers.

So that when he comes to me for the access,

I trade him the information he wants for those tickets. Both of them.

I've seen you around the club.

Great.

You know, don't you?

Word gets around.

On what, the Virgin Alert Network?

How do you guys find this stuff out?

Hey! That's personal, okay?

Oh, personal?

Well, Glen, for your company's needs, I'd go with these guys.

This is fascinating, and I think we should, uh,

discuss this in more "depth" at my house.

Excuse me?

Let me explain something to you, Jeana.

You haven't slept with anyone yet 'cause you haven't met the right guy.

I still haven't.

You gonna stab me with that fork?

God, I'll bet you're a real tiger when somebody turns you on.

Check, please.

No, bad girl! Come on!

Hey! A little help, please?

I don't wanna get hit by a train.

Have a seat. Grab the wheel.

That's good.

Just pull on that emergency brake in the middle there.

Got it!

Thank you.

So what's wrong with it?

It's outta gas. The gauge is busted.

Why don't you get it fixed?

Well, 'cause I like her the way she is.

Well, I'll see ya.

Well, hang on. Uh.

The only way I know how to thank you is...

Know where I can get a couple spoons?

I gotta go.

Can't let this melt.

Look, no offense, but you're a guy,

and it starts with ice cream and deep conversations

and "Oooh, I'm so sensitive," but eventually, the true male comes out,

and you'll start taking money out of my wallet and hitting on my best friend.

Or it comes out right now, and I have to punch him in the nose right here.

Well, with an attitude large enough to crush a small country having arrived,

I think it's safe to call it a day.

Yeah, well, the gas station's 12 blocks that way.

Perfect.

"Professor Stewart Schell says post-initial copulative regret syndrome...

"or losing it and then wanting it back...is becoming more common."

Well, listen to this: "One result of this week's public discussion

"has been the formation of VAGUE, or Virgins Against Guys Under-Evolved.

"VAGUE was organized by local women who discovered a common bond

"in their anger over Lindeman's blunder." You got company, girl.

Hi. You don't know me,

but, the thing is, I live upstairs and can I borrow your window?

Sure!

Careful, darling.

Next time, I'll bake cookies.

I joined that group... Virgins Against Guys, whatever...

What for?

Not because I'm pure or anything. I just wanted to support your cause.

It's not a cause. I'm not making a political statement.

Boy, are you edgy.

I... I just wanna find a guy

who wants to wake up with me as much as they wanna sleep with me.

Yo might try Finland.

Seriously.

Improvements?

You wanna get this guy, right?

No! I want those tickets, and I want out of here.

We're just goosing it up.

Wait a minute. I'm the woman. I'm the schemer.

The thing is, you're not that good at it.

I'm not?

It wasn't a bad first effort, it's just that we have more experience

with this sort of thing.

So, just what have you done?

You're better off just knowing the first level.

Oh, there are levels now?

Relax. It's under control.

Don't forget the nude pictures the guy from Utah sent you.

Alison Farmer again, Channel 8.

You gotta come on my show and tell everyone where to get off.

Oh, My God. I am looking out the window, and there's a tornado coming.

And an earthquake. Gotta go.

Hello.

Hi, it's Tom.

How could you give that photo to the newspaper?

I didn't.

It's the one on your desk.

Really?Huh, you're right, it's gone.

Thanks for noticing. By the way, great performance on the radio.

Okay. That was a trick, and I'm gonna kill Jimmy Debbs.

Oh. You wanna know what my favorite part was?Really?

It was Zsa Zsa telling me that you guys were back together.

How could you do that after all we had? After the way we met?

What are you talkin' about? You crashed into my car.

What do you want?

I'm comin' over tonight to get my stuff.

Thanks for the warning.

Lindeman.

Give me my ticket back!

You cancelled.

And if "no refund" is good enough for the cruise line, then...

Twice she hangs up on me.

You should give her her money back, man.

You're missing the clues. Clearly, she still wants to go with me.

I hate him.

We don't want that shit no more! One, two, three, four!

We don't want that shit no more! One, two, three, four!

We don't want that shit no more! One, two, three, four!

Face it, man. You're just another women's issue.

Right up there with menopause and maternity leave.

How's this story affected your life?

What is your stance on sex education?

I am never talking to you people!

Hi, Jeana. Wendy Sagen, President of VAGUE,

Virgins Against Guys Under-Evolved. Isn't it great?

You on the cover, our group picture inside.

We have to work together to end male domination of social and political...

Listen, I've had a rough day.

Jeana, let us hear your story. We really need you to speak at our rally.

You know what? Wait here.

They're all monsters, you know!

Most men are criminals! I know! I have brothers!

It's like I'm some kind of freak or something.

What's wrong with people?Don't they get enough on Jerry Springer?

Tom has made his choice, hasn't he?

So why don't we both just be big people. Okay?

Gee, thanks for the advice. Now, if you'll excuse me.

Bye, Nick.

Bye, Jeana.

Does this have dairy in it?

It's okay. I'm with the fire department.

'Course she wants me back. That's why we're here,

so she can deny it to my face. Women love these games.

If you say so.

"A map to your stuff." What the hell is this?

It's a map to your stuff, man.

Oh, come on!

That was my favorite racquet!

She is playing hard-to-get.

I bet I know where she is.

Come on, Jeana. Break those balls.

This is great. A little sanity.

Fleeting, though, it may be.

Come on, let's get outta here.

Listen...

- Watch it, Igor. - Genghis.

Nice bonfire. I'd say we're even.

Yeah? We say you owe her a cruise ticket.

Why don't you let these two work it out?

Who the hell are you?

I'm friends with Tom. And Jeana.

Wrong. You can't be on both sides. It's us or them

And "us" is leaving.

I just have to talk to you...

Let go of her, you animal! Hey, everybody!

Everybody, it's the reporter who violated his girlfriend's privacy on television!

Unbelievable! I pity your girlfriend.

Yeah. How could you do that, huh?

The guy made a mistake.

You broads expect us to be perfect all the time. I'm sick of it.

"Broads"? You don't know what we're talking about, mister!

- Hey, don't point at me. - Don't call me a broad.

- Toots? - Aargh!

Will you unpack already! My goodness.

Well, hello.

This is perfect.

The cruise ship...

the beaches...

the sun...

and me.

A fight broke out today at a public rally at the State Capitol.

Members of a group supporting women who are virgins

clashed with a construction worker who allegedly whistled at a woman.

Tensions have been high between local men and women since...

Isn't that your grandmother?

It is. The whole city's off its rocker.

Wait. How can your grandmother be a virgin?

It goes beyond the issue of sex

and one woman's privacy

We're sick of the construction workers, the mechanics, the car salesmen,

all the males that are insensitive to half the population.

The trouble with men in this country is that they're in this country.

Can't we ship them all to France?

It's not that complicated at all, man.

If a girl doesn't wanna sleep with me, that's cool.

A train runs through this station every 45 minutes.

And in other news,

several nuclear warheads are missing from a launching site near Moscow.

Don't worry. I'm leavin'.

You're a photographer?

Yep. That way, when they arrest me for stealing your purse,

I can take my own mug shots.

Listen, I'm really so...

Look, I got a gig out at, um, El Dorado Hills.

Wherever that's at. So...

- Hey! - Hey!

There were six reporters here looking for you,

so I just gave 'em your home address.

Just kidding. Actually, I gave 'em a fake address.

So they'll probably be back any minute to kill me.

Hmm. Coffee?

Listen, I'm sorry about the other day. That wasn't really me.

Uh-huh.

You're never clumsy and you're always in a good mood, huh?

It's a powerful drug, denial.

I am in a good mood. I've just had a lot of creeps in my face lately.

And so you assume that every guy is one, huh?It's funny how women do that.

It's because men are such men.

You know, they're at least 60% of the relationship problems.

Sixty percent, huh? I didn't know that.

Maybe 70.

Think this thing'll make it to El Dorado Hills?

I don't know.

I'm new here, and I don't even know where El Dorado Hills is.

Let's take my car.

It's just that every guy that looks at me lately wants... a date.

I wasn't asking for a date the other day.

As a matter of fact, I haven't been on a date in three years.

You're kidding.

Nope. It's not worth the trouble.

I always run to the next guy.

Yep. You end up regretting it, too, huh?

I can tell by the reaction from the innocent little frozen dessert the other day

that you've been through the ringer, what... three times?

Pretty close.

Actually, you nailed it.

I take it you've been burned by a woman or two.

Try six. So don't put it all on men.

Six? You're a slow learner.

Anyway she broke it off four hours before the wedding.

- No! - Yeah.

She always did like doing things at the last minute, God bless her.

Oh, my God. So what'd you say to that?

Well, I would call the bakery where she worked,

and I would disguise my voice, and I would order pastries.

"Can I get five pastries? I need them now."

She gained 12 pounds eatin' the leftovers 'fore she figured out it was me.

Oh, no! Oh, terrific!

Hold it.

Okay.

Perfect. Perfect. There you go.

Beautiful.

Okay.

I never knew my feet looked like this.

Yeah, well, it's amazing what you can see when you really look, huh?

Yeah. It is.

So, I saw you dancing with that friend of the bride up there.

Did you get her number?

Didn't get her name.

She liked you.

I know.

Fascinating.

You really gave up on us, didn't you?

That's right.

This last guy, we had these moments

where it seemed like everything was possible.

It seems to me that men and women only really get together

by some great cosmic accident.

Yeah. A fluke, huh?

My parents are divorced. My roommate.

I don't know anyone who has what they want romance-wise.

Well, this is great, huh?Sharing each other's painful experiences?

I'll tell you what. I'm having a root canal next week.

I'll give you a call and tell you the details.

Cheers.

Animal crackers, fireflies...

Kick the can.

Right! Right! Me, too!

So, um, when do I get to see my wedding photos?

Your what?

The photos I took.

Oh! The photos you, uh, yeah, yeah.

I'll tell you what. Here is my business card. You just call.

May I?

Yeah.

Oh, wait.

My roommate's been getting these weird calls, so we changed our number.

Uh, lemme...

I'll get the door. Sorry.

Okay. Mary Beth. Great red hair. Great smile.

Broke your heart in so many pieces you had to pick it up with a dustpan!

Remember that?

Why can't I remember that?

So you bumped into him just as you were saying how meaningful that could be.

And he reads a lot, and thinks, and smells good.

And he's got a sexy voice. So what? He's the enemy, right?

Well, we've been workin' together.

We need to know each other. So let's bond.

Enjoy, fellas.

- Thank you. - Thanks a lot.

Hi, guys. Welcome to Firehouse.

My name is Julie, and I'll be your waitress. You're Tom Lindeman.

Yes, I am.

Don't talk to me. Your waiter will be right with you.

Did you see that?A week ago, women loved me.

Well, I guess people can wise up in a week, huh?

I don't think it's in me to be this bitter, male-bashing person

like that lawyer. Or you.

I like men. Not the ones I've met.

You'll be much happier once you accept

that all the romantic notions you've had your entire life are crap.

And the gender you were counting on to create your bliss

is really just hot to get you in bed and move on.

Your divorce is the most depressing thing that's ever happened to me.

At first, it was like this... feud?

Yeah, a feud, 'cause I had to win.

I had to win. I had to get her to go on the cruise with me to save face.

But now, I don't know, I mean, now it's just kinda like...

You're in love with her.

Love? You think?

Yeah. I can hear, I can hear it in your voice, the way you talk about her.

You're right.

I'm in love with her.

'Cause she fries my stuff, and I should be angry,

but I get, I don't know, excited and everything,

and I guess I'm thinking about her.

You gotta tell her. Hm?

Maybe after she cools off. I'll give her, say, ten years.

Then there was Kathy, right? Oh, my...

See, this is what I'm talking about, right?

This woman comes into my life, and I've forgotten what all the other ones did to me.

So this girl you met, she a babe or what?

You don't divide 'em into babes a... a... and non-babes.

Yeah? What, then?

I don't know. I mean... There's "her", and then there's everybody else.

"Her"?

Yeah...

Yeah, but she said she's done with men. I think that she's hung up on this guy.

Well, take your shot. He's probably some loser.

Why the long face?

Hey there. It's, uh, Paul, and, uh, this is my voice.

Listen, this gallery in, in Midtown is showing my photos,

and the opening's Friday night, and maybe if you're not doing anything,

you know, or, or, you know, maybe if you wanna bring your roommate,

and I swear, I'm not hittin' on her...

It's just, just that I don't know anyone here and it'd be, uh, it'd be nice

to have some people come, so...

Now, let me stress, this is a, uh, this is a non-date type of activity.

No dates for anyone.

Farnham Gallery at, uh, 8:00 P. M. , so there you go.

Um, talk to you later, if you want. Bye.

What am I doing?

Well, it would be wrong not to support the arts.

The woman is diabolical.

This is why you don't trust women, 'cause they're crazy.

'Cause they hide things and they're secret.

What?

Nothing.

Don't worry. Those tickets are in a very safe place.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I got a tip on this story.

Firefighter says there's something fishy going on in the Fire District.

Gonna ride along with them later today.

That's very interesting. Let's go.

Okay.

My boss won't talk to me. Women despise me.

I don't know what's going on any more.

I need this story. I need my pride back.

This'll do it. Our guys do an inspection of the software company.

They're in the computer room, they get the building manager flustered,

he doesn't realize four guys go in and only three come out.

So one guy stays back and then what?

He dials out on the modem. It's so simple.

These places have all the security to keep people from getting in,

but there's nothing to prevent someone from getting out.

So he dials out to... ?

The mastermind.

No one sees this guy. He just pays our guys to do the job.

Once the connection's made, he dials out on the modem,

hacking into the computer system.

Okay. I gotta see this.

No. They see you, I'm... I'm dead.

They won't.

And three come out. Very smooth.

Whoa!

Jeana, look at this.

I just had sex on my lunch hour.

This waiter at Dominick's, out by the dumpster.

It was so hot.

So I'm not one of you guys any more. I'm outta the club, okay?

Yeah. Funny you should say that. Check out the celebrities page.

"Yeah, I had sex with Jeana Summers. We were both pretty wasted"?!

Who the hell's this?

The drummer from Deadly Barter. Jeana, this doesn't look good for us.

Get me Alison Farmer. I'll do her show.

So, basically you're a romantic?

Was. Now, I'm in recovery.

Hm! But you're not mad at men?

No. I'm mad at God for making me attracted to men.

It's just that everyone looks at you differently when they discover you're a virgin.

And they have all these weird opinions about what that means.

When I was in high school, my virginity was admirable.

When I was in college, it was "cute".

Now that I'm older, people just find it incredibly strange.

That's her? That's your virgin girlfriend?

Shhh! Be quiet!

What do you want?

I'm just surprised.

At what?

You made her out to be this, like, this, this...

...instead it's this big fight between men and women.

You don't, you don't think her ears are a little big?

Are you kidding? She's fantastic. You can't even see her ears.

I'm just sick of the whole virgin-fest.

That's not the real issue.

- What is? - Love.

Respect. Caring.

And these are words that nobody's mentioned since this whole thing started.

All my friends say their first time was awful.

It shouldn't be awful. It... it should be astonishing or superlative.

It should be something that's worth waiting for.

It's hard enough being single and scared and alone.

And then you have people smacking you in the face every day

with what a fool you are for believing in love.

Maybe if you wait a little longer, take a little more time...

She is so wise, so together.

Mm-hmm.

..the right person comes into your life, and it's a whole new thing.

It's too bad you just don't know who that person's gonna be.

Me.

Your boyfriend revealed your biggest secret on TV.

Now here you are.

Come on.

Tell us a secret of Tom's.

I don't think he has any.

There's not much going on inside there.

What?! There's a lot going on inside here.

"So wise, so together"...

Okay, she doesn't know how I feel. I gotta talk to her.

No, no, no, no, no. You don't wanna go in there now.

Look at her...she's all worked up, and she's emotional.

Just, uh, let her cool down.

Okay. You're right. You're always right.

She's gonna be at the health club 'till 7: 00, so I'll talk to her after.

She is photogenic, though. Wow!

She'll be at the health club until 7:00. I have to tell her.

"I know you're Lindeman's girlfriend." She'll hate that!

Hi. I'm Carl. Welcome to the club.

Hi, how are you?I'm just here to talk to someone.

Well, you can talk to me. Uh, tell me, what exactly are your fitness goals?

I'm just looking for...

We've got a Premium Membership you might want to take a look at.

Can I just...

No, no, no. We don't let non-members wander around the club.

She's probably just right around the corner.

Ah, that's great. You know, we got full cardio...

Free weights. Pool, aerobics...

Uh-huh, right. What's it gonna take?

Hah! I'm glad you asked.

This is the cardio area.

Hey!

I know you.

Well, what... I didn't know you...

Paul here just joined the club.

Thank you, Carl. Can you give us a minute?

You know, I haven't finished my tour yet.

Okay. Hey! You know what? You're gonna love this.

It's so far out there. I, um... I know...

I know...

I know, uh, I was pretending to be cool,

but I would love it if you'd come to my opening.

- I'm coming. - You are?

Yeah. It's, uh, this Friday, right?

Yeah. Terrific, great. Alright, it's a date.

Excuse me?

Oh, no. No, no, not "It's a date", like it's a figure of speech.

Not like, not like what you thought.

Not like a date.

Why don't we?

I think we should.

You know, you shouldn't stop like that.

You need to warm down before you...

You don't date.

It's against your religion.

Our whole friendship is based on the fact that you don't date

and I won't. You said yourself it's a mistake to run to the next guy.

Okay. But not if it's me.

Um...

I'm... I'm not coming.

Wha... wha... whoa. Why not?

I think I should be by myself. Really.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Is that all it is?

What else?

I don't know. Something like you still have feelings for that guy you were seeing.

Get serious.

What if he called you tonight?

I wouldn't care.

That's not what your face says.

Can I... Jeana...

Hey! I haven't finished the tour yet.

Carl, will you shut up! Jeana, please?

If you've gotten him out of your system, then why this big feud?

Who called it a feud?

Well, n... no specific person.

Come here.

Listen to me.

My life has been a catastrophe lately.

I don't want to get into details, and you don't want to know.

Believe me. The truth is, I am thrilled you don't know.

You are?

This friendship is the only thing in my life that's working.

Can't we just leave it be?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

So... maybe I'll show up on Friday,

but that's the best I can do.

She said "friendship", man. You're history.

Now, how 'bout those abs?

We should be the town of the toast, and you're busy thinking or something.

I got a lot on my mind, Zsa, Zsa.

Like what?

A certain computer geek? I don't need this.

You know, I have a shoot with Fabio in the morning.

Lindeman.

Hey, it's Randy at the Fire District.

You saw how the scam works. Now you need the list of companies they're hitting.

Who has the list?

It's in the inspection files in the computer system.

But only the computer people have access to all the files.

Really? Very interesting.

Alright.

This is the most sexual-looking food I've ever seen.

I wish you'd come with me.

Wow!

It's an opening. People dress up.

[Laughs]

I would kill myself for you.

I would kill mys... I would kill myself for you.

I can't.

- Hi. - Hello, love. Come on in.

Have a nice time.

Wow! You look terrific.

Really.

I'm running late.

For what?

It's private. Not for broadcast.

I'm working on a story about bogus fire department inspections

and, uh... I really need some information.

Me, help you?

You have every right to hate me.

What are we doing here?

You love this place.

That's what I mean.

Whoo!

I'm not having fun.

Then you're crazy. Look at this, it's perfect.

Okay.

It is dirty pool bringing you here. We had great times here.

But where can we go?We had great times all over this city.

I thought we were gonna talk about business.

Jeana, I've broken up with plenty of women

and this is the first time I've ever done it

and thought about that woman constantly.

Okay. You know how you divide things up?

There's "her", and then there's everything else.

"Her"?

You.

Ugh. I screwed that up.

You know, I wrote some things down here, some notes, and, uh...

Okay. Okay.

I don't know.

I'm not very good without a script, but I... I wanna be.

Good.

For you.

I'm supposed to be someplace.

Let me explain.

Listen, we discuss the district or I'm leaving.

Okay. Alright. You win.

I need those inspection files.

Well, then, what's in it for me?

Wait a minute. Both tickets?

One of them belongs to me, and I'll trade you the files for the other one.

That hardly seems fair.

Huh. "Fair"? When'd you learn that word?

Okay. Alright. I know we're having this fight,

but if we could just step around it for a moment...

Oh! You can't step around it!It's the same thing! You want something for nothing!

You're the reason why relationships don't work!

Okay. Blame me for the world's problems. Are you giving me the files?

Are you giving me the tickets?

I'll stop by and pick them up tomorrow.

I wanted to see your pictures.

I got some at my place.

Okay.

That's a nice dress.

Thanks.

Yes, ma'am. It went really well, actually.

No. Well, I can't really talk about that right now.

Because she's right here.

Yeah. I'll talk to you later, Mom.

Hmph. Wrong number.

I kinda told her about you.

Would you like some tea?

- Yeah. - Okay.

A little hot.

These are wonderful.

Thanks. Thank you very much.

I took that one at, uh, my granddaddy's ranch in Texarkana.

Here's a nude one of my mom.

I'm joking.

I call thees one "The Agony of De Feet."

They're so in love.

[Joan Jett and The Blackhearts play Crimson and Clover]

Thanks. I'll be going now.

What?

I have to go. I'm sorry.

We've got something here. You don't feel that?

- I don't want to! - But you do.

If I stay, we'll ruin everything. I know it.

I'm not asking for anything tonight.

Hey, I'm not asking for anything this year. Just don't go.

What this movie needs, Cary Grant.

Walter Matthau.

Walter Matthau, hm?

- Mmm-hm. - I see how you are.

We didn't say no kissing, did we?

Not yet. Maybe we should. In ten seconds.

Okay.

I should go home and change.

No, no, no. You look great.

Move over just a bit. Right there. Alright...

Scoot over here.

Mmm. Together forever.

Oh, really?

Well, on film.

Let me get one more, real quick.

Hey, Jeana!

You guys know each other?

You guys know each other?

Yeah. We work together.

But you're a still photographer.

On the weekends.

My camera guy!

Oh, my God!

Then you know, you know everything.

That is, uh, fairly accurate.

I thought you were the only guy in the world who didn't know.

You're the guy he's been blabbing to in the first place.

Right. Jeana...

And you didn't tell me!

You didn't want me to tell you!

What's this? The same dress as last night?

What? What does that mean?

It means, you know, that...

She went home with someone she barely knows.

What exactly are you trying to imply?

How do you know what dress she had on last night?

Because what you're implying is none of your business to imply.

You were with him last night?

How long has this been going on?

You wore this dress to see him.

I didn't "see" him.

You said she had big ears.

- What? - That's just weird.

What were you doin' together last night?

- What's the difference? - There's a big difference.

- Gimme that. - No.

I didn't plan on seeing him, and you weren't honest.

God, you're just as much a guy as the rest of them!

I... I can't believe I did it again.

I don't even like popcorn.

My camera guy!

Hey, guys, guys!

Gimme the ball!

You told me that I was in love with her.

That was before I knew that your "her" was my "her".

As a matter of fact, I can't even believe that I have the same "her" as you.

Hey, wait a minute! You two are ridiculous!

At least you have somebody to fight over!

I have no one!I just have my... my...my work, my midget porn,

and...

Yeah, that was kind of personal.

[Bob Woodruff featuring Lucinda Williams sing There's Something There]

He didn't go for it.

There's a backup plan.

Backup plan, as in what?

As in Ken and Barbie don't make it to the airport tomorrow.

Just say "Plan B" and it's on.

I couldn't do that.

You okay? I mean, for real.

For real? I'll let you know.

You wouldn't give me a chance the other night,

and then you go sleep with some guy you just met?

Wait. Who said that I... ?

You trying to get back at me?

I'll give you the files for the tickets,

and then we never have to speak to each other again.

Ha ha! I don't think so."A", you're the last person I'd give 'em to now.

And two, I don't care about that story any more.

You need that story!

This whole thing has pumped up our ratings like you wouldn't believe.

My boss loves me.

I start anchoring the noon show as soon as I get back from the cruise.

- Fine! - Fine!

Fine. You and the mannequin have fun on my vacation!

Fine!

At least she has sex.

I'm not going.

Of course, neither are they.

Randy? Launch Plan B.

Hi!

Oh, hi.

Hmph. Nice bunch of girls.

I'm desperate, desperate I tell you.

And I'm starting over. So I won't be going to Vegas with you, Jack.

I won't be seeing you in Vegas, Jack.

Sweetheart?

Yes?

I'm here to break up with you.

No.

Not 'till after our cruise.

I need those tickets.

Kiss me, Grandpa.

They're in this room, aren't they?

What?

This must be worth a couple thousand.

It's 3, 500, plus tax. So whatever you are thinking, don't.

If you don't give me the tickets, I rip this in half.

Booooo!

Losers!

Hi, my name's Caroline. I'll be your roadblock for the evening.

Yeah, you look like a roadblock.

You're unbelievable!

Watch it, shorty!

You're invited outside.

Alright, let's go. Ladies first.

Anybody see any ladies around here?

I'm so tired of this.

Good. Then let's go to Rio.

For the first time in my life, I'm in love with someone. You.

Do we have to do this right now?

I've been thinkin' so hard that I've been getting nosebleeds.

I've been thinkin' about you and me

in the same place at the same time, all the time.

Just...

Just give me another shot, Jeana.

Will you marry me?

Sit here.

"Will you give me another shot, marry me?"

Did that sound stupid?

It's not so smooth you should lead off with it.

Ach, sorry. I just didn't have time to rehearse,

and all I know is that all this crazy stuff happened between us,

but somehow I love you, and I really think that that's how it's supposed to feel.

Do you remember the first time that you told me about this trip?

How excited you were? Let's just start right there.

Right there.

I'm not your girlfriend any more.

Then come as a stranger. We'll share a cabin.

We don't even have to talk to each other or look at each other.

Let's just stop being enemies. It feels wrong.

No boyfriend-girlfriend, no sex. Just acquaintances.

Okay. Yes.

I just wanna get far away from here, that's all.

If you even so much as look at me the wrong way and it's Tom overboard.

Okay. I'll pick you up tomorrow morning at 8:00.

Stay.

Hey, tough girl.

What do you call two lesbians...

Oh! No. I've gotta call Randy.

What a rumble, huh?I barely got out before the cops got there.

We got 'em good for you, though.

For me? I didn't want a war. This is you.

You and those virgin whackos stirring things up.

Oh. You didn't start this?I didn't almost get punched in the face tonight for you?

Caroline you always get punched in the face by every guy that you talk to.

I just wanna get along.

Is that what your big plan was all about?

You were the one who pushed me into that.

Pushed you?I merely gave you a great idea!

Who said "Jeana, don't let him get away with this,

"Jeana, you have to get even"?

I don't know why I listen to your advice about men anyway.

Your marriage was a disaster.

You're right. It was.

That's why I try to help my friends avoid the same mistakes.

Aw, Caroline, I'm sorry.

Oh...

Oh, no!

No! No!

Hello, you've reached Fire Station 50.

We're out on a call right now. If you'd like to leave a message...

Aaargh! No!

Engine 50, you know what to do.

And let's get this right, gentlemen. Jeana's counting on us.

You got it. No problemo.

Jeana, come on! We're late!

I'll be right down!

Or if you want, we can go with the...

more classic shot, something like that.

I have to, uh...

I have to go. Um, keep these and look...

I'm so sorry. I... look at these, and I will, uh. I'll call you.

I know he's on a call. That's why I'm calling dispatch.

Get him a message. Tell him that Jeana says call it off.

What? No! I... Great!

Uch!

Ow!

Ouch!

Oh!

Hey, sweetie. What do you say we take the long way?

Hey, guys?Randy put you up to this, right?

Uh, no. Never heard of him.

But if you can get back to your vehicle,

we can finish this training exercise and get you out of here.

Ah, training exercise. How clever.

Yeah. If only I'd made the Fire Department.

I look good in uniform, baby.

Think she's too tall for me?

Yeah.

She did what?

She went to the airport with whats-his-face five minutes ago.

What airline?

I don't know. What am I, her travel agent?

Uch, I can't let her go with him.

Okay, um... Okay, look. Just get to the airport and start there.

Alright. Thanks.

Where is the airport?

So we're not going to the airport?

That cat's been up there a long time.

So we're not going to the airport?

Well, we're not going to that airport.

I got us seats on a charter jet.

We're going to another airport.

So they'll wait for us?

Well, no, there's passengers, you know, on the flight

besides us, so, no, they wouldn't wait.

Relax. It's quality time, honey.

So I come to the I-80 split...

Yeah...

...and I stay to the left.

Sure.

Oh, God!

Ha ha ha! Fake cat!

Fake cat.

Alright.

Aaah!

Not now, not now. Dammit!

What're you doin' to me, man? What're you doin' to me?

Fix the gas gauge!

We need to do something or we're not going.

Well, at least we're not going together.

I'm serious.

Alright. I'm serious, too. Uh...

We'll get there. This is temporary.

We have to do something. We... you have to do something!

We need to go through a lawn or a back yard or something,

because we need out of here!

I do like it rough, but I'm not gettin arrested for you!

Talk to him.

Uh, hi, I'm Tom.

You originally from Sacramento?

- Carmichael. - Carmichael's pretty.

Hey, look at it like this:

There's a three-sided poly gon

and associated with each vertices is a name:

Jefferson, Hamilton, and Franklin.

What's a vertice?

It's a point of a geometrical construction.

Oh!

Thank you very much.

Look at this. First the Datsun, then the Gremlin, and now you.

Well, guess what?You're fired. I'm getting a new car.

Hey! Hello! Hi!

We're here for, uh, The charter jet.

Too bad it's not here for you.

Man!

It's like everybody wanted us to miss that plane.

You have no idea.

That story you're working on, it's fake.

What?

I made it up for the tickets.

Wow!

You musta really wanted to stop me from goin'without you.

I didn't want you to go.

You... you didn't wanna go with me?

You're surprised? I've never been more furious.

You told the whole world my biggest secret, and you didn't apologize.

Wait. That's what this was all about? You wanted me to apologize?

Yeah.

Wh... why didn't you just say so?

I wanted it to be your idea.

Oh...

'Cause, you know, it's funny.

If you had slept with me just once, none of this would have happened.

You're never gonna marry me, are you?

I should've been crushed when that plane took off,

but I wasn't. I was relieved.

Let's face it, it's over.

Hi.

You ever watch Channel 8?

Virgin.

What are you doing here?

Oh, don't ask. Long story.

Listen, I'm sorry, Caroline. I was such an idiot.

Well, me too. We... we shouldn't talk about men, I guess.

Somehow, I don't see that happening.

Well, don't listen to me so much.

You know, uh, recent events got me thinking.

So... I called old Adolph.

You called your ex-husband after two years?

Mm-hmm.

I apologized for driving his truck into the lake.

What did he say?!

He said he's really lonely.

Oh, he misses you...

No, he misses the truck.

Yeah?

Caroline, it's Paul. Can I come in?

Uh, no, I... I just got out of the shower.

Well, do you have an overseas number for Jeana?

Some way I can get ahold of her?

'Cause I really need to talk to her.

Uh, no, I don't have a number for her. But, um...

What would you want me to tell her in case she calls?

Tell her...

Tell her that I want our night together to last forever. Okay?

Tell her that I am done blaming women, okay?This was my fault.

I tried to tell her, but she didn't want me to know, you know,

and I didn't want to disappoint her.

You know? I never want to disappoint her.

You can understand that, can't you, Caroline?

Yeah, I can.

I've been alone pretty much all the time in the past three years,

and I... I've done a lot of thinking, and I... I got to know myself,

and what I want, and it turns out who I want. I... I, that's why I chased her to the airport.

I've never chased anyone before.

I walked into that coffee shop by mistake. Alright?

I was lost. And it turned out to be one of those cosmic accidents

she's always talkin' about, you know? Like a sublime event, you know?

Something arranged by the gods so that two people are happy. And I...

I've been waiting, just like her,

okay, for my something superlative and astonishing.

And then she ran into me.

Just tell her...

Tell her I love her.

Like never before and never again.

Going out for several hours. Door's unlocked.

Well, that was subtle.

Oh!

Sorry. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

You okay?

Actually, um...

I'm seeing spots.

There's one right here and right here.

Uh, have you had chicken pox?

What?

Never mind.